63 (Part 1): Flash Gordon (1980) – Starling Productions – Dir. Mike Hodges – Sam J. Jones, Melody Anderson & Max von Sydow

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This film, I think, can go with the horror, because the things I can remember from this are things that scared me. So the idea of hot hell scared me, that these balls would come through your roof and burn you. Yes. Britain. An ancient kingdom with legends of violence, cruelty and torment in its blood. Join your hosts, Ross, John, and James, as they bravely tread where few would dare. Witness their journey into the horrific history of British horror. They are... The General Witchfinders.

Ladies and gentlemen, goblins and ghouls, welcome back. We are back with the 63rd episode of the General Witchfinders podcast. I'm James in Bournemouth in Southern England. I'm John Pountney here in South Wales, which is still in the south of Wales. I'm Ross in Dorchester in Southern England. This time, Flash, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the earth.

Join us for the fantastic adventures of Flash Gordon. Flash uses football to fight his enemy, Ming the Merciless. Gliders, are you a man on the right by the moon? successful will he survive find out now what a theater near you music by queen rated pg hooray right that's the one we should say at the outset right number one You might want to get comfy for this one, because as I was watching this, I felt this is such a coalescence of so many of different actors, themes, ideas.

From not just the Witchfinders, but from our lives, I thought. I thought there's so much going on here. Might this be the episode to end all episodes? This might be it. And before we get going, yes, we know we are a British horror podcast, but listen up.

Because if I was to say to you this, this is a movie that features the following thing. A main character being tortured in a dungeon who was then executed in a full execution sequence. by masked and hooded characters. Another character is whipped and tortured, whilst another character is killed in a folk horror setting. There is then a giant swamp monster.

And this film was banned in Singapore for satanic imagery. Exactly. Exactly. You might say, well, this sounds like a horror film. And the mad thing is, this film, even though it is science fiction, has the same pulp roots as because, you know, I'm a big comics fan. And when you look at like the history of comics, which of course is where Flash Gordon came from, you've also got the history of horror comics. And in the same way that it's kind of that.

pulp level of appealing to sometimes the most basic feelings that people have and the most basic entertainments that people have, there's some kind of overlap between the two. And in the same way that this is... and we will inevitably be talking about star Wars in a bit as well. In the same way that this is like an odd nightmarish version of star Wars. It is. Yes. This is also.

The horror roots that we've examined in this podcast so far, this is like a branch coming off of that horror tree and blossoming a weird science fiction horror hybrid. Yes. Well, I love that. That's very nice. Thank you. I've been thinking about this, guys. Yeah, okay. Well, let's get to the script.

Let's go then to the script. The longest script ever. But like I said, it's because there's so much stuff going on. Wake me up in 20 minutes. Got you. No problem. So this film is full of fantastic people with fascinating lives. This intro might be a bit long. And that's coming from us. So please do bear with us. Flash Gordon is, of course, a space opera superhero film directed by Mike Hodges, based on the King Features comic strip, created by Alex Raymond.

The main cast featured Sam J. Jones in the title role with Melody Anderson, or Nella Mooty, amazingly, Max von Sydow, and Topol, one of many mono-named... people in this film. We'll come back to that later on. If you watch the credits, there may be some human trafficking going on. That's all I'm going to say. The supporting roles included Timothy Dalton. Marangelo Melato, Brian Blessed, Peter Wingard, and, of course, Peter Duncan.

And we will explain for our foreign listeners. Suzanne Danielle as well. Suzanne Danielle's in this film too. We'll explain for our foreign listener when we get to that sequence why this is such a big deal for people of our age.

The producer was Dino De Laurentiis, who had been interested in making a Flash Gordon film since the 1960s. He'd already overseen the comic book adaptations Danger, Diabolic and Barbarella. De Laurentiis turned down... And here's the big first thing, a directorial offer from George Lucas. George Lucas, those of us who are big Star Wars fans will tell you that in the 1970s, Lucas started saying that...

He thought it's really important that kids start to get back in touch with heroic virtues, selflessness, doing things for others, community. And he was like, the best way to do that is, and he thought back to his youth and thought back to how much he used to enjoy the Flash Gordon strip. He found out that Dino De Laurentiis had the rights and said, would you be, you know, can I make Flash Gordon? And he was told, no.

So thus, George Lucas had to go away and create Star Wars. So again, this is why this movie is like the weird odd twin or odd distant cousin of Star Wars. The mirror universe. You've got it.

A version intended for Frederico Fellini did not go into production. Mad. De Laurentiis first hired director Nick Rogue. I know. Michael Allen to begin development in 1977, but then later replaced them with Hodges and writer Lorenzo Semple Jr. Ross, have you got what Lorenzo Semple Jr.? I won't say it then. due to his dissatisfaction with Rogue's Vision, in which Debbie Harry was to play Princess Aura. Oh, I didn't know that. Which you can see. And Keith Carradine was to play Princess Aura.

De Laurentiis co-produced over 500 films, with 38 of his Hollywood productions receiving Academy Award nominations. His CV includes Serpico, Death Wish. Halloween 2 and 3, Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Destroyer, Firestarter, Raw Deal, and the original Hannibal Lecter incarnation movie, Manhunter, which he, of course, retitled.

Thomas Harris's Red Dragon, which they then went on to make a few years later. This was because he had previously flopped with Art of the Dragon and didn't want to tempt fate by using Dragon again. He produced all the subsequent Dr. Lexa films, apart from Silence of the Lambs, and he also made Blue Velvet. He was the producer of Blue Velvet.

Dino De Laurentiis? Yes. No way. It's Matt. He's just done so much. I only think of him for King Kong and stuff like that. We could do a whole spin-off podcast on him alone. Yes. Like how he hired Lynch to do June. And then after like June didn't work, like Lynch went back to him and said, you know, can I make this movie blue velvet? I can do it super cheap for you.

And oh my God, there's so much going on. It just feels like he was always like, he had a good idea, but just couldn't work out. There's loads of fucking hits on that list there. Oh my goodness. I did read that. Sergio Leone was meant to direct this as well. Which again is, if you can think of three directors that you wouldn't think were going to direct sci-fi, it would be Sergio Leone.

Nick Roig and Fellini. What the fuck? And Mike Hodges of Get Carter fame. He wants Get Carter. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He can do a campus. Christmas sci-fi opera. You got it. And it says here that Flash Gordon was mainly filmed in Britain on soundstages at Elstree and Shepparton Studios. And one other. And I'll leave this as a little trailer for everyone.

This was, as I was watching it, and I watched the credits all the way through, more on the credits later on when we get there. I was like, it's filmware? And I looked it up, and it turns out, well, I'll let you know when I get there. Keep the powder dry, people.

But it's a James story from my life. And I know how much the original listener, the listener maybe enjoys those every now and then. So here we go. The film adopted a camp style. similar to the 1960s Batman. Why did I say that so weird? A cab style similar to the 1960s Batman TV series. This connection is no coincidence. Writer Lorenzo Semple Jr.

had written the Bible for the 1960s Batman TV series, guiding other writers on the show. For instance, Batman should never break the law, not even to park in a no-parking zone, during a crime-fighting emergency. Semple also came up with the idea of the colourful pow zap pow graphics into the fight scenes, naming every gadget the bat this or the bat that and creating Robin's trademark catchphrases.

holy prices collection of intrusion snoods and all you know that's james ad-lib that that was it in the script so well done yeah hey well i love 1960s batman as well adam west is the man right okay so back on flash gordon The filmmakers had to tackle some ambitious technical challenges. For the Hawkmen scene, they built a 60-foot high, 100-foot wide blue screen.

illuminated by clusters of quartz halogen lights requiring a million watts of power apparently um i i was watching the making of uh today and um brian blessed did his own stunts and fell Out of his harness at one point, he just slapped onto the floor. Oh God. What a man. Got back in it and started again. I know, and I climbed Everest. Ross, on the one that you watched, Ross, do they mention what the original ending was going to be?

I can't remember. Don't worry. It's in my notes. We'll talk about that when we get there. I told you I was excited about this one. Yeah, yeah. Right, okay. Now, the film's soundtrack, of course, was a notable element.

composed and performed by the rock band Queen. It was... Oh, it is good. Even if you don't like Queen, this is good. Right. It was one of the... earliest high budget features to use the score primarily done by a rock band with howard blake composing additional orchestral score pieces and lovely they are too yeah but did you hear do you know who originally was going to do it it wasn't going to be queen who was it the pink floyd

Wow. But they wouldn't do it. And then the producer heard, and he called, get me the queens. Get me the queens. Right. So it says, So director Michael Tommy Hodges. So, yeah, it was a British screenwriter, film and television director, playwright and novelist. His films as a writer director include probably most famously.

Get Carter. The man who directed this movie directed Get Carter. Talk about range. Mad. Pulp, also with Michael Caine. Yeah. Morons from outer space. Really? Yeah. Which is a VHS. If you grew up in the 1980s, always in VHS video shops. It was on ITV late night quite a lot. Is it Robbie Coltrane or someone like that? It's Smith and Jones. Oh, yeah. And Jimmy Nail.

And who's Billy Connelly's wife? Barbara Dickerson. No. No, the other one. Barbara Windsor? No, the other one. No. Elaine Page? No. No. The one out of Not That I've Got News. Pamela Stevenson. Pamela Stevenson. And he also co-wrote and was the original director of Damien, colon, Omen 2.

One of the original Omen, of course, one of the Witchfinder favourites. Yes. Until he left the film after three weeks as a result of creative differences. Oh, I've got to go back and do Omen too. Oh, there's a story there to be had, isn't there? So, Sam J. Jones was cast after being spotted on The Dating Game. Which is a blind date, isn't it? Yeah, by De Laurentiis' mother-in-law, Ivy Webb. His only prior acting credit was the supporting role in the romantic comedy, Ten.

Starring Bo Derek and, oh. Dudley. Dudley Moore. That helps. In 1979. And this is mad. He beat out both Kurt Russell and Arnold Schwarzenegger for the part. Wow. He prepared by studying taekwondo, even though there's no real taekwondo, and running six miles in Hyde Park twice a week. However, Jones had a... had a dispute with De Laurentiis and left before principal photography was completed. So much of his dialogue ended up being dubbed by the actor Peter Marenker. After this film's release...

Playgirl reprinted his 1975 nude photo spread. He then went on to star as Chris Rorschach in the TV series Code Red. That massive hit. And apparently in a TV adaptation of The Spirit. Interesting.

Right. Melody Anderson played Dale Arden. She's a Canadian former actress who later became a social worker. Did she really? That's interesting. Interesting. And people of our age will also know her as the female lead at the NBC 1983 series, Manimal. No way. Yeah. I didn't know that.

She made numerous guest appearances on television, including both Battlestar Galactica, Dallas, TJ Hooker, Chips, and was in the pilot episodes of both A-Team and The Fall Guy, Donald P. Bellisario, for the win. Me and Beck were looking at old... editions of the Argos catalogue in bed. Nice. Sexy. Yeah. And there was a chips playset. Cool.

Do you dress up as... Oh, I remember chips being a really big thing. Yeah, I loved chips. It was Poncherello and all of that. Yeah. Right, so then Ornella Muti, the Italian actress who played Princess Aura, turned down the lead role in the Bond film For Your Eyes Only. In 1981, because the production wouldn't hire her costume designer. And she, I was going to say, I didn't write it down in my notes, but she's got the most Bond girl vibes. Yes.

Imaginable. She is so someone who should. Who's this? The daughter, Ming's daughter. Yes, yes, yes. She reminded me very much of Fatima Blush in non-canon Bond, Sean.

Connery, Bond vehicle, never say never again. Say never again. But there are other Bond links to this film, which is Topol. Yes. From Fiori's Only, which is the year after this, I think, isn't it? Yeah. Oh. Which is a great bond. It suffers from not having a John Barry score, I always think. But I do like the sequence with the yellow 2CV. And actually, there's some really good sequences in that. And then obviously we've got Sir Tim Dalton.

as TV's James Bond from two films, and also Rassilon, as I like to call him. Yes. As Pertwee would say, Rassilon rather than Rassilon. He, I think he's very good in this. Yeah, he's amazing. Oh, well, we'll get onto it. He is, part of my, the vibe on this, we'll get back to it in a second, is. Part of this film's charm is the supporting cast are so phenomenally good. And way superior to Flash Gordon. Way superior. He's not the best, is he? No.

No, but Timothy Dolan, they could have just been him. Anyway, right. So back to... Welch as well. Yes, of course. Back to Ornella. So, Ross has put, she later insured her breasts for $350,000. She was sentenced to eight months in prison by an Italian court for cancelling a theatrical performance due to illness, but then attending a social dinner with Vladimir Putin. Wow. That does sound a bit Bond. It is very Bond. She avoided prison by paying a compensation to the Verde Theatre. Wow.

Max von Sydow, who played Emperor Ming, was the Swedish and French actor. I didn't realise he had any French. He was internationally known for playing the 14th century knight Antonius Bloch in Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Legendary. He then made his American film debut as Jesus Christ and the Greatest Story Ever Told in 1965. He then later went on also iconically to star in The Exorcist. Yes. You have to do it in that voice. He's father Merrin in the exorcist. And as my notes say.

He was playing like, he was in The Exorcist three years ago. The next thing you know, he's rolling around with Sam Jones. He must have wondered what the hell was going on in his life. It was psychedelic. Right. And then three days. And then he was also in three days of the Condor. He also played Blofeld in the gasp. Almost. We didn't plan this. The non-Canon Bond film. Never say never again. Is he in that? He's Blofeld. He's Blofeld.

Do you see him? That's what the internet told me. Is he on screen? Let's have a look. That's interesting. Never, never, never say never again. Never. Right. Never say. And the title, of course, comes from Sean Connery himself. Saying yes. Talking about Bond saying never again. There's a picture of him. He's got hair. Yeah. That's interesting. I need to rewatch it.

No, for the 58 millionth time. As if that wasn't enough from Max von Sydow. He also appeared in Conan the Barbarian. And of course, he's in Star Wars The Force Awakens. Yeah, he's the best thing in that. Oh, John. Enough. Right. Don't you dare. He's not, he's not in it for long enough. And he's the best thing in it. Right. Anyway. Adam Driver, I think we're probably, I'm sorry to say that. Anyway, right. So he was nominated for an Emmy for his role.

as the three-eyed raven in Game of Thrones. Of course he was the three-eyed raven. Oh my goodness. I forgot about that. What a career. Amazing career. Yes. Topol, who plays Dr. Hans Zarkoff, was... Was it just, but was in 1935. Sorry, it was born. I thought it might be born. In Tel Aviv, he was an actor and producer known for Fiddler on the Roof, most famously. And, as John has said, be your eyes only.

He also appeared in episodes of, oh my goodness, what? Sequest DSP. Did he really? Wow. And Tales of the Unexpected. But then again, who didn't? Topol was the first Israeli actor. ever to be nominated for an Academy Award. After Toppo's death, the family revealed that he had been involved in Mossad missions. Wow. They said that he went on unexplained trips abroad, equipped with a miniature state-of-the-art camera and tape recorder.

and that he was in regular contact with Mossad, who visited the family home through the backyard in disguise. Wow. That's a film to be made, though, isn't that? Yeah. On several occasions, Topol carried out wiretapping and other operations using his international acclaim. to divert tensions with ambitions. He's actually spying whilst making a James Bond film. Wow! He's a bit like the Israeli Michael Portillo, isn't he? When you watch any of Michael Portillo's documentaries...

He's got to have a bit in it about spying. Yes. And then how, oh, when I was part of Margaret Thatcher's cabinet. And then he'll tell a story which really... Doesn't sound very much like he was spying at all. One where he was being followed by someone on a motorbike and he knew that he could go to somewhere like the Ritz, go in the entrance on one side and then go through to the other side. On a motorbike.

That is bombast. No, the person following him was on a motorbike. I think he was just in a taxi. If he did that, he would drive over someone's table while they're trying to eat their breakfast and they'd be carrying trying to eat it. Yes. And then they'd look at their glass and do a double take. That's always a good bond. Or Pigeon would go, oh, the Tupac Square would give a double take as he went past. That's better than all the Daniel Craig Bond films already. Okay.

So our next absolute icon that's in this area, Timothy Leonard Dalton Leggett. So basically, Timothy Dalton. Still with us. Still with us. Wonderfully so. Prince Baron. He gained international prominence as the fourth actor. portray james bond in the living daylights and license to kill and he's brilliant and of course

As many people will tell you, he is a really brilliant Bond who never had the scripts. He is fantastic. He is a real deal. Living Dead, that's the first Bond I saw at the cinema. Yeah. And I was going to see... Superman Quest for Peace, but it was sold out as I went through that. Oh, wow. That surely was the only sold out screening in the world, Ross. I think even the premiere. Paul Lighthouse. That's why. Full answer. As it was now. 79. Dalton. Yes. Yes. Good for him. Brilliant.

So it says he had been approached by the producers as early as 68 for On Her Majesty's Secret Service or possibly for Live and Let Die, where he told them that he was too young for the role and declined. He was approached again around 79 or 80 for your eyes only, but... didn't favour the direction the films were taking. His loss. Double take man. And all of that business. And all of that. He was then approached in August 1980.

after Roger Moore retired, but because he was set to begin filming Brenda Starr, he could only do The Living Daylights if the Bond producers waited six weeks. They offered the role to Pierce Brosnan instead. But when the use of Broston's hiring was leaked, the makers of his series, Remington Steel, exercised the right to renew the show.

So the offer was withdrawn. Welcome to the James Bond podcast. Having completed Wonderstar, Dalton was now available and he accepted the part of Bond in the living daylights. Post Bond. He has done, he's brilliant. So he played the Nazi spy Neville Sinclair in The Rocketeer. No way. Yes, and he's very good in that. I remember that film. If you've never seen The Rocketeer, it's very good.

He also played a parody of Bond named Damien Drake in the film Looney Tunes Back in Action, which I've not seen. He played, as John says, Rassilon in the Doctor Who special The End of Time at the end of 2003 and beginning of 2004. He returned to the theatre to play Lord Asriel in the stage version of His Dark Materials. And a lot of people will know him, I think, because he played Simon Skinner, who ran the local supermarket in the action comedy slash horror.

movie Hot Fuzz in 2007. Regarding his personal life, Dalton was in a relationship with reporter Kate Adie as a youth. Wow. Good God. actress Vanessa Redgrave between 1971 and 1986. Shagger. That's it. It's it. One word. Shagger. Top shagger man. He also briefly dated actresses Stephanie Powers and Whoopi Goldberg. Whoa. Whoopi Goldberg's dating history could be a podcast in and of itself as well, I fear.

That'd be really good. I should also point out a very quick credit where due, there's another, there's another podcast that often looks at like 80s movies called Betamax Babylon. And I can't, I think it might have been when they just looked at Flash Gordon.

And the guy who does beat Max Babylon said that he'd spent some time once with Timothy Dalton for a media thing. And first of all, he said he's a great laugh, which is very nice to hear. And he said that other than people kind of saying, oh, James Bond at him.

He says the main thing that people shout out at him is freeze your bloody bastards. He said, he's all, he's all about it. He's really, really, he said, Oh, I'm really happy that, you know, all these years later, people still remember it. And my God, yes, we do.

So, yeah, that's good to hear and respect you to Peter Max Babylon for that. Not far to go now. Not far to go. No, but this is all good stuff. Peter Wingard, another icon of the British culture who plays General Klytus. in very much a Dr. Doom-esque mask, has a rather extensive and confusing personal history with a large chunk of his Wikipedia entry attempting to work out exactly where and when he was born.

We can be sure that Mike Myers credited Wingard with inspiring the character of Austin Powers. Yeah, baby, etc. Wingard became a British household name for his starring role in the spy-fi series Department S. which also inspired, weirdly enough, Grant Morrison in the comic series The Invisibles. Oh, okay. Tendrils all over the show.

His character, Jason King, novelist and a detective, was reportedly based on the author Ian Fleming. Blue Grade famously told Wingard, you with your funny dark hair, moustache and terrible clothes, you're not my idea of a hero at all, but my wife loves you. So you've got to do another series. Wow. Although Department S failed to sell to a US network because of its peculiarly British humour, in inverted commas, the character was popular enough to be spun off into his own series, Jason King.

Wingard later toured in the title role of Bram Stoker's Dracula. In 1975, the same year his career suffered a major setback, following a conviction for gross indecency. Toilet Trader was it. Such are the George Michaels. But five years later, he appeared in Flash Gordon, leading him, appearing in the persona of Klytus in the Queen's special. A 50-minute film promoting the soundtrack. Which I could have found. Wow. He later guest starred in the Doctor Who story.

planet fire in 1984 and in the same year he had a leading role in the hammer house of mystery and suspense story and the wall came tumbling down where he played a member of a coven of witches and general commanding a nato nuclear base That sounds brilliant. That does sound amazing. I've not seen that. I'll add that to the list. Yeah, they repeated them on Talking Pictures a while ago, and I found a lot of them really, really boring.

But that one sounds really good. And then it says, in his later life, screenwriter Mark Miller, the comics writer Mark Miller, who basically came up. with the series Kingsman, right? That's all his thing. He claimed that directors, including Matthew Vaughn for Layer Cake and X-Men First Class, were mistakenly told.

that Wingard had died when they tried to cast him. Understandably, why they tried to cast him in both Layer Cake and in Kingsman. Wingard shared his flat in Earl's Terrace, London, for some years with fellow actor Alan Bates. Wow. Right? Now, according to some sources, this was a romantic relationship. But for me, that sounds like speculation. But Ross does say, check out our episode on The Shout, which again is a great one, which we enjoyed doing for more episodes on Alan Bates.

Then, here we go. So, John Hallam, this is a short one. He was also Luro, one of the Hawkmen. Needed to pop him in quickly as he was in loads of stuff that's Witchfinder adjacent, including Knights of God. The series where Nazis have taken over Britain. Yes. For kids. With Patrick Troughton as well. Yes. The Wicker Man and was light in Doctor Who Ghostlight.

He played Captain Drinion in Prince Caspian, and like most people on IMDb, was considered for several roles in Life Force, but was actually cast as Lamson. So hooray, Life Force. Nikki Kelly was offered a part in the film, but chose to take up a job offer as yellow coat Sylvia on sitcom Heidi High. Whoa! Correctly deciding it would mean more long-term work. Correct.

All of the main cast members were signed for multiple films. The first movie didn't do as well as expected, so the sequels were never made. An animated Flash Gordon film by Taika Waititi was cancelled. Like many Taika Waititi projects, shade from James there. Akira, his Star Wars film. You know, we could just keep going. But by 2021, the plan was revived to make it a live action film.

No sign as yet. And least we forget, of course, this film is so closely associated with Brian Blessed Obi-Han. Brian, who played Prince Voltan. was actually offered the lead role of the doctor in 1966 to take over from William Hartnell. Big star at the time. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Zedcast. Yes. But he has to turn it down due to other projects. He probably would have been quite a good doctor. Yeah. He played Cesar Augustus in the BBC2 drama series I, Claudius.

and King Yukranos in the Doctor Who serial Mind Warp. Mind Warp. Yes. Another brilliant... All these Doctor Who stories are absolute classics, by the way. Great. We should probably try and cover something like Mind Warp. A bit hard on the list there? Yeah. And then it says, and she married, or he married, Colin Baker's companion, Perry. Yes. Sending her televised travels in the TARDIS. Wow.

Brian appeared in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical Cats. Yes. The original, the original lineup, along with Bonnie Langford, of course. From Doctor Who. Paul, what's his name? Give me some reggae. Yes, yeah, Paul Nicholas. Not Paul Nicholas. That's a different one. Yeah, Paul Nicholas and Elaine Page. Another mention for her tonight. Yeah, we're going well.

Right. And then, of course, if that's not enough, he provided the voice and live action reference for Boss Nass in Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace. Exactly. Which I thought parts of this film... Really reminded me of the production design. Very much so. If you look at the making of some of the drawings for Flash Gordon.

I reckon we've fucking picked up for Phantom Menace because some of the tanks and stuff in it were exactly the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very interesting. Right, so in real life, he has completed 800 hours of space training in Russia. I don't know why. Has not yet. Well, because he wants to go to space. Brian Blessed. Yeah. He has attempted to climb Mount Everest three times without oxygen. And again, British listeners will know all about this.

that he's such a stalwart and a part of, you know, the national treasure. He's, he has got like kind of national treasure status. And it's one of the things that he keeps trying to do. In the 90s, he was doing it loads. Yeah. Or seems to be doing it loads. And yeah, he wants to do it without oxygen for some reason. Christ only knows. Right. Anyway.

Has anyone done it without oxygen? I think they have, yes. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fucking Sherpas going up and down all the time doing it. Just because they're not white, no one gives a shit about it. No, exactly. He also claimed that he punched a polar bear after reaching the North Magnetic Pole on foot. He also reached the summits of Ankongua in Argentina and Kilimanjaro in Tanzania.

and survived a plane crash during an expedition into the jungles of Venezuela. What a man. He also appeared on and won an episode of Celebrity Stars in Their Eyes. impersonating the proper singer luciano pavarotti amazing wow right and then finally we are indebted to andrew long on blue sky who pointed out that in the first episode aired in 1989 Brian played a Cumbrian sheep farmer, Lambert Simpson, in Series 3, Episode 10 of Boone.

There's a few cool dudes in this film, isn't there? It's just insane. Yes. I could have done, but... eight times over because there's more and more people like even if i just did all the dwarfs in this film yeah what things will they've been in ross they've got their own section

In the cast, at the end, it just says dwarves. Again, my notes just says it was a different time. The credits, we're going to have it. Normally, a lot of the films we watch, no credits, is it? No, it just says the end. Not on this one. There's some stuff to come. Amazing. Okay, can I just say that I don't think I'd seen this film.

until um i watched it for this although there were there are two bits in it which i remember three three bits in it you must you must have seen it so i remember the hot hail Yes. So we could talk about that. So we start off with Ming is being shown the earth for like a really obscured viewer screen. Someone's put graphics all over it.

Yes. And it's a terrible model of the Earth. Yeah. It looks like the old Universal model, doesn't it? Yes. And he's sending a series of plagues upon the Earth by pressing buttons. And laughing. Yes. Klytus, I'm bored. What plaything can you offer me today? An obscure body in the SK system, your majesty. The inhabitants refer to it as the planet Earth. Will you destroy this? Later. I like to play with things while... before annihilation.

which include earthquakes. What else? Oh, tidal waves. And hot hail. So hot hail is something I was... what this is i worry you're saying this film i think can go in for horror because the things i can remember from this are things that scared me so the idea of hell um scared me that that these these balls would come through your roof and

and burn you yes well here's something before as we start here this was intended to be a children's movie as i said this was designed for a family audience yes when this film was re-released because they remastered it re-released it on blu-ray and i thought i'm having this because dear listener if you heard the end of the the last podcast this was the first film that i ever saw in the cinema

You must have been four or five, James. Yes, I was. I'm mad that you can remember it. Well, it made such an impression on me. Yeah, God, it's very vivid imagery. Now, four... my amazing co-hosts, please tell our dear listener, when I hold up the DVD, what rating is Flash Gordon now? You ready? It is a 15 now. Yeah, because it's basically a rape fantasy. The whole thing. But the original script was that the Mike wrote...

Nicholas Rogue. Nicholas Rogue version. Ming was going to go into all different planets and what he would do was kill everyone on the planet apart from one female with which he would repopulate that planet. That was the original premise of this film. There's kind of a nod to it, isn't there, later on? Yes. Which I put down is very good, watching it again as an adult. The whole just kind of like, well, I like to test out the planets, and if anyone comes back...

If anyone turns up, I fucking kill them. And I wipe the planet out because you're going to be a threat to me. And I thought that was quite good. Anyway, so we're straight in. In terms of the film, you've got, and I've just put amazing straight off. Peter Wingard's name comes up on the screen. Max von Sino. And then Queen. With, as I said, this and Highlander.

Their score for Highlander is very good. It's very, very good. And it's just, you're in. And what I've put is, lovely start. It's a nod to the comics. which this film will absolutely embody. And I didn't realise still watching it again as I grew older in terms of the styling. And the production design of the movie, they've tried to make it look like the 1930s comics. The production design is amazing. It's excellent. Exactly. I've never seen something so red. Yes.

And that's so hats off to him. They really wait for it to say, try and say, okay, well, let's look at these 1930 strips. And let's try and bring them to life. And they went for it. But it's interesting that back then, when people made comic book films, they said, oh, well, we need to make them look like comics. Look like the comics. Yeah. Yes. Which I much prefer. I don't watch any. I want to watch Dick Tracy again.

Oh yeah, that's probably a good one. And then I've written down Lorenzo Semple Jr., Batman, but Ross has already, we've got that in the script, and then Hot Hail!

Because it said we get a bank across of all the things that Earth is, that Ming is bombarding the Earth with. Yes. And then we're into the film and we start off on somewhere which is supposed to be like... the like uh the northeast i'm guessing of america kind of like north of cape cod yes clearly to those of us who are from these windswept isles

It is so clearly Scotland. Yes. It looks exactly like the start of The Wicker Man, doesn't it? Yes. It's the same sort of vibe. Yeah, the guy who played Flash was saying that. you know that was the first thing they shot and it was like they made us go all the way up to scotland they had all these planes and stuff and he was just like this is mad they've been spending so much money on this yeah like you said james this is meant to be somewhere in america so

you know, why go to Scotland with something like America? If you're going to go and just stay somewhere nearby, you know, somewhere in London. Yeah. Well, I think the budget, and again, I'll keep my powder dry until we get there, but on the, again, when this version that I have here. There's a very, very long and elaborate documentary on it. And they reveal what the ending was going to be. But they literally just went...

We can't afford to do that. The ending is great anyway. The ending's great. It works. But that is not the ending. That should be the ending. We'll get to it soon. So, the first person we see... is Robbie Coltrane. A young Robbie Coltrane. Is he? Yes. Cracker himself. Cracker himself. Hagrid, for those of a different age, is there getting the plane ready and we're introduced to Flash and Dale Arden.

We're told that Flash... I can't visualize that at all. That Flash is a very big American football star. He's on the front of a magazine that the two pilots are reading. Newsweek. Newsweek, lovely. And the only other passenger on this very rickety looking plane is Dale Arden. They take off. They're going to be heading back. And even though I found it very weird, I thought, okay, he might have just been having like a recuperation week if he's injured.

It's weird that they're listening to American football on the radio. And they're like, you're going to have a good season this year, Flash? I'm like, surely he's playing already. Surely the season has started. And then I kind of went to myself, I will let him off. Maybe he's had an injury.

I have to say that I didn't understand the start of the film whatsoever. Because I have no idea what brings these characters together, why they're on the plane, why they don't know each other. The start of the... first 10 minutes of the film really reminded me of the Christopher Reeve Superman. Yes. The era and everything is so similar. So you're like, oh, it's, it's a weird.

So you can just imagine the producer sitting there thinking, right, Star Wars has been massive. Superman has been massive. What combines superheroes with... sci-fi and then i'm just going to buy the rights to whatever that is and then it's basically flash gordon isn't it yeah yeah um and that's that's basically how the film starts yeah but it's just like starts with superman and then it turns into sci-fi it's just

But it's mental. And you're just like, why are they on this plane? Where are they meant to be going? Where have they been? None of that is described at all, is it? It doesn't matter. That's what the filmmakers want. It doesn't matter. They're just going to get them into the sky. Yeah, it was a different time. So when they're up in the air, Ming's weather attacks begin again, and the plane starts going all over the show.

is that despite the fact there's two very well-trained pilots at the helm, Flash Gordon feels he's got to put his fucking nose in. Yes. And leans in and goes, hey guys, it might be clearer, higher up. And I've just put, fuck off, Flash. And it's just like, imagine just somebody turning up and telling you how to do your job. Bloody annoying. As a pilot. Yes. And whilst they're stuck in the storm and the storm is raging.

We cut to Topol, Zarkov, the scientist formerly of NASA, that he's living in what I put, this insane set. Yes. It's like a giant conservatory. A giant conservatory with a rocket in the middle of it that can take off. It basically looks like something from Thunderbirds or something, doesn't it? It's such a weird model. I really thought with this part that with Star Trek First Contact and the guy that invented the first warp drive, I can't think of his name now, the guy from Babe.

Yes, Zephryn Cochran. I think that's totally ripped off from this setup, isn't it? Where it's got like the trees, it's got this ramshackle building, and then it's got a space rocket in the middle of it because it's just like, how is it? But again, how has he built the space rocket? He's there on his own with his mate.

So that's what the director was saying. He said, we can't do this. It doesn't make sense. He goes, when they made these comics, it was before we went to the moon. Now we know what the rockets look like when he goes to the moon. And they're just, I'm just going to do it like this.

that's fine, just to take off. What's your problem? I'm not going to say. Apparently, every day they show the rushes to the crew and they all started laughing and the producers go, why are they laughing? And the director had to go talk to them and say that. Don't laugh. He thinks it's a serious film. I don't know why you're both doing Indian accents. I'm trying to do Italian. Trying to do a bit of Italian. Right. So, whilst we...

So Zarkov is trying to ready his rocket because he has figured out that the earth is under attack. But guys, did we notice who his assistant was? I recognised him. Hats off, now dearly departed, and a man who cut a swathe through the films of our childhood, it's William Hookins. William Hawkins is Porkins from the first Star Wars. Oh, no way. And he is one of the guys, one of like the feds who comes to, um,

Hawkins. Stay on target. Yeah. He is one of the feds in Raiders of the Lost Ark who comes to Indiana Jones. Yeah. Yeah. And when they. my favourite scene set up of all time ever where they basically explain what's going to be happening. It peppers a nut on the subject. It's an amazing line in that bit. So yeah, he recruits Indiana Jones. He is then also in 1989 Batman. Yeah. He is the guy. The corrupt cop, is he? The corrupt cop who is then...

He's not called Harvey Bullock in the film, but he is then who the comics character Harvey Bullock in Batman comics is based on. So hats off to the late, great William Hookins, who was also in this film. So in this bit, there's a bit when you see people doing the reporting on the TV. Yes. Just don't worry about the eclipse. The world going mad. Yeah.

But that bit really reminded me of, we haven't covered it yet on here, but the, the last crater mass, lots of stuff on TV like that. And the sort of the sound of a figure of that. Yeah. So. William Hookins isn't going to be going with Topol. Even though he threatens him with a gun. He does threaten him with a gun. Cut back to Flash's flight.

And then in a scene that I never really noticed the first couple of times, it was only when I watched it in better definition, that the thing that kind of kits Flash's plane has got like Ming in it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, you see his face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the director said, he said, the director said none of the script makes sense. Yeah. He goes, we have to figure out why, why, where do they go?

yeah so they just he's oh he's just made that up so we're gonna make it like ming like crashes into the into the thing it's just and so many times he said yeah he said we never um storyboarded anything because it was impossible to storyboard because he said um a lot of the crew were italian so that they would understand what i was asking to do anyway he said they had this amazing um uh set designer but he said he would turn up and he said

they would not allow for any of the where the cameras are going to go or whatever like that so it'd be like this looks amazing but i can't shoot on it yeah so there was so he said there were sets they built but they could never use so he said incredible He would like, we've just got to improvise all of this and just make it up as we go along. I think he said, I think it said on Wikipedia that it was Fellini's set designer. Yeah. And then they kept him on this from the bit that...

Fellini had kind of developed, which, I mean, the sets are absolutely stupendous on this, aren't they? They are. They're in a world of their own. Reminded me slightly of... Vincent Price, Dr. Fibes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So. Fibes. Yes. Fibes. With the pilots being sucked off out of the.

Out of the cockpit. It's left to Flash and Dale to try and crash land the plane. We then get what I can only describe as dreadful, dreadful miniature work. It does look really... It's one of the things in this film that does not stand up very well as the test of time. The crashing plane. Their plane crashes into Zarkov's massive conservatory. Massive conservatory. Yeah.

William Hookins sort of dives out of the way, and I don't know if it's insinuated that he's dead. Yeah, and you don't see him again. I think he takes that opportunity to escape. To leg it out. I think so. This is at the point where I wrote, this film is insane. It is.

Because they gave up making notes. Yeah, this is, what? When they come out of the crash plane, Flash takes off his shirt, thus revealing, and I love it, a t-shirt just featuring his own name. And his own name. Big fan of anyone wearing a t-shirt that's just got their own name on it. So this is an example of the, so they did that set and they got there and he said, how are they going to get out the plane? And he said, there was no way.

for them to get out of the plane, how they built that set. So he said, I'll cut a hatch in the top of the plane. He goes, planes don't have hatches in the top, but we had to do that in order to get them out of it. So... Again, it's very quickly established. Melody Anderson, Dale Arden, figures out that it's the disgraced NASA scientist, Zarkov, and he basically says...

They're like, oh, have you got a phone we can use? And he's like, yes, it's through here. Although it's clearly a space rocket. Clearly space rocket. Fair of them. The earth should have been doomed with these two ding-dongs helping us out. What is her background meant to be? I can't remember. She's a travel agent. Right, okay. Is she really? Yes! Because I thought if she was a journalist like Lewis Lane, you know, it kind of...

She's a travel agent who then gets really, really good at fighting and gymnastics. Yeah. Despite there being no evidence that she could do this. Is she a travel agent in the comics? i don't know it's a very bizarre like yeah i think it's they probably had to give a reason to be in that hotel at the start i don't know i don't know anyway um we find out and i put down here shocking design from zarkov

He says, I need two people to operate this spaceship. One of you needs to keep his foot on the pedal. Yes. And it's like, why don't you put the pedal on the other side then? Prat. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Like everything in this film doesn't matter. They then fight. And what I put is a huge American football player in his peak physical fitness is easily overpowered by a tiny scientist.

He later on takes on the whole of Ming's Imperial Guard. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in this, he literally just like whacks him over the head and that's it. He's down. And then... that's it they're off they're off to the races they take off we get the rocket taking off and then what i've put there is

really good music here as they drift into space yeah all the planets are very close but yes and i've just put that's my next i've just put where the fuck are they supposed to be yes there's loads of planets really really close together it's like that can't be earth Takes no time to get out of our solar system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're zinging along at a right on pace. Into the first example of many, many bits of ink.

being dropped into water. Which looks good, though. It looks great. I like it. My other note here is just flashy slacks. He's wearing a very striking pair of beige slacks, which, you know... again, struck me as a young man. I just remember him. He's the only character I really remember him being in beige trousers. Besides Roger Moore's James Bond. Of course. Come on. And then I put...

We get to our first horrific bit, which is we see the Ming's scientists with the goggles on their eyes. Yes. And they look creepy and weird. And what I've also noted is, oh, that's interesting. I wonder if any of these guys, one of these guys was then Lobot in Empire Strikes Back. Yes. Look it up on IMDb.

Prosthetic eyes. And it's ears. Ears and eyes, yeah. So one of those guys is Lobot, just by the by. I had the figure of Lobot. Yeah, great. He's a character who's been so well developed in the secondary canon of Star Wars. Trust me on that one. But what I, one of my notes here is we are now at the 12 minute mark. Yeah. Not on the podcast. Not on the podcast, of course, but think about that. So think of some of the films that you were watching, you know, like the long set up.

Credits are still on the screen after 12 minutes, aren't they? They've got interspace. Bang. They've arrived. The setup, we are off. Yes. And also, just the line, when they're tracking them, they say they're on the Mong Scale 3. Which I laughed at as a schoolboy. And yeah, cancelled. I shouldn't laugh. But that as a term is now probably, well, it is very offensive. But it was still very funny to hear that they were on Hmong scale three. It is a kind of British.

The horror of British schooling in the 1980s, isn't it? Yes. The cruelty of children. Children. And as they're travelling through space, my note is, why has being in space made Dale go so horny? She goes all like super sexy and is kind of like, there's a weird sex undertone in this movie. It's not an undertone, it's an overtone at some point. But she's like writhing around, a bit like Barbarella at the start of it.

why is she gone so why is her being in space maybe the music of bride the guitar work of brian may yes perhaps oh where are we and he goes hey it's me flash And I said, he's got a weird obsession with his name, either saying it or wearing clothes with it on, just in case we weren't 100% sure. I wonder what his real name is. It must be a nickname. It can't be his real name. Oh.

What struck me as being weird at this point, as you say, James, we're only 12 minutes in, but also in kind of like real time. In the plane, they didn't know each other. And now they're in space and they've got to... mongo or whatever it's called the planet um like it's it's like they're already in love and a couple yeah and then i think in a few minutes they propose to each other or something oh that's later that's later that happens

But they have only met each other like four times. Yeah. Like you've been together hours. Yes. You've flown through space or you must've, they must've gone through some kind of wormhole and ended up, you know. Blah, blah. In the monverse. Yeah. But how are they, you know, how are they now engaged or whatever they are? You know, they're an item. Well, they say it's a dramatic event. It spawns people, don't they? But you're quite right. It is all a bit too quick.

Their relationship is very, very fast. It's just demented. Flash Gordon's real, its first name is Stephen. Stephen Flash Gordon. Stephen Flash. Wow, lovely. All right. So they then land on, they land on. Is it Mongo? I don't think so. Yeah, it might be Mongo. Something like that. They land on Mongo and they are arrested by the quite scary looking guards. Oh, those guards. Yeah. They're amazing, aren't they? With the kind of funnel-nosed weird...

Stormtrooper equivalent. But I remember them very clearly from my childhood. As soon as they came on, I was like, fuck, I really remember those bastards. And they make a horrible noise when they die. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite remarkable. They look like plague doctors, don't they? Yes, they do. Yes, yes.

And so they are then taken to the Imperial Palace and quite remarkably, and again, for the space of this film, Max von Sydow is like, these people are just waiting for a revolution. Yeah. It's like you've been here two minutes.

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And then we also get introduced to what I call like the probe droid. I don't know if it would have a better like drone. Yes. You know, kind of the thing. And what I put is as a kid and probably until I was a teenager watching this film, I had no idea that's Max von Sydow's voice. Oh, is it? Coming out of the... Yes! Like the thing in the Death Star. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Stop. Lizard Man. Stop. And all of that business. Yes.

Amazing. And then, so, yeah, so we see the probe. It kills a lizard man. Yes. It melts. Weird lizard man who got faces inside their actual mouths. Yeah, weird. Yeah. It melts Topol's gun because he says, I've got a gun. And, you know, the probe is that. That effect. Back then on TV, it would suddenly go to a freeze frame while something disappeared. Yes. Yes. And then we're introduced to kind of like Ming the Merciless's court.

And inevitably, because it's me, I've written dwarfs! There's a lot of them, including... Old British stalwarts. Ross didn't put me in the introduction, but of course, Kenny Baker, a.k.a. RTV2. Of course, Kenny Baker's in there. Legend. As is Rusty Goth. Yep. Another one. Nearly all of the time bandits are there. All of the time bandits are there. Every famous dwarf you possibly imagine. And then Deep Roy turns up on a leash. Deep Roy turns up. Deep Roy's a legend. Yep.

Everyone up to Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis. It's too early for Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis would have been about two probably at this point, wouldn't he? And I've just put, wow, when Ming-Ming turns up. Now, one of the things why they say this film has been gone up in the ratings is obviously the torture stuff.

But also because they say it's suggested that he's playing an Asian character. Yeah, Yellow Peril. Yeah, and I don't want to get this cancelled, but it's one of those things. I didn't watch it. I thought... is he is it just kind of like the beard so much like they do they don't really do anything well there's a reason they made him green in Defenders of the Earth though right yes yes I guess so right but at the same time so he turns up and once again he looks amazing though

Despite that, his costume, his look, he was rocking the lot. Very skinny. Yeah, and I put about three or four years prior to this, Max von Sydow was getting vomited on. by Linda Blair. Now he's doing this in hell. Yeah. And then, so what I've put is that this scene is great, right? Because what it does is it introduces everybody that is in the film.

It sets it up very well. It sets it up and I've put, this is very 1930s comics. Once again, being very true to the source material. So we're introduced to everyone. There's no shadow at this point, but normally if you had the... You're a bad guy. You would be using shadows and stuff in order to imply his evilness. But everything is really brightly lit in this. Garish. Yeah. But it's just to get those colours, isn't it? Yes. Yes.

So yeah, so we're introduced to the various different warring tribes and the great setup of this movie and ultimately the rest of this film, which is all through their lives, Ming has made them fight each other and be at each other's throats. So they never think let's team up. It's going to take earth men to come along and say, put your differences aside and learn to fight together. There you go. Which is a good thrust of the film. I'm all for that. That is good.

um but then i've also i've then put it said as ross says we see what's what is it the the the actor who did you just say the deep roy we see deep roy and i've just put he's being used as a pet cancelled. Yes. You wouldn't be allowed to do that now. Even in an alien setup, you can't have a dwarf as a pet on a leash. We get the great kind of like, who is this Earth man? And he's like, Flash Gordon, New York Jets quarterback, and what have you. None of these words.

mean anything to us i'm english yeah how come we're all speaking the same language this is never it doesn't matter it doesn't matter um they and then we have the fantastic kind of fight scene with brian may's and queen's football fight which has been used in a couple of other films i think observe and report the second rogan comedy used it once i remember thinking oh that's football fight from flash um

he then gets not you know it doesn't it doesn't work out if he gets knocked out because topple messes it up by chucking one of these eggs yeah at his head yes so they're like right he must die for this For this insolence. And then before that, before they execute him, we get a really, really good line, which was, he says, if you would have known anything about the true nature of the universe.

you would have hidden in terror. Yeah, that's good. That's a great line. He does have all the best lines, doesn't he? He does. He does, he does. When you meet, you meet the majority of baddies in this scene, don't you? And I think they come across as a lot more interesting and cooler than the goodies. You're just like, I'm rooting for the baddies from now on. You know, you've got a guy with a gold face. Yep. You've got the daughter. Disco Doctor Doom.

The daughter who's the sex pot of the film. I'm doing inverted commas. You've got Ming the Merciless, and then later on you've got a lady who's called General Something. One bit we missed here is Ming... uses his ring on her. And she starts writhing in a weird sex ray. Why does he just use that later on when he wants to seduce her? But they say it's worked even more.

even more than it does on his daughter. Yes. And I put that strange and weird. Yes. So he used a bit of sex ray on his daughter. Bizarre, horrific. But I think that's potentially down to... maybe sloppy scripting and just people reading things off the piece of card that they've no idea what it means the other thing which once again i've watched this film a good few times um and i'm always like do i miss something here

But during the football fight sequence, when he's making, when Flash is sorting out all of the guards and then, you know, Ming says, Klytus, are your men on the right pills? Yeah, that's good. That bit. When Clytus, he gets all the guards together and says, you fools, he's playing some kind of barbaric game. And then he goes, match him like this.

And what I put is, he doesn't do anything. How are you supposed to match him? And it's like, do I miss him doing something with his hands? But he just goes, match him. Like this. And I was like, what's happened? Anyway.

That's just the me thing, I think, possibly. Amazing. And then just my other notes here is I've just put, when you see Timothy Dalton, he looks phenomenal. He just looks like, he is Douglas Fairbanks Jr. In terms of looks and charisma, you think they could not have cast anyone better. He looks so 1930s and 1930s swashbuckler. He's bang on.

He is absolutely brilliant. Yeah. So yeah, Flash loses. He's taken off to prison. And I put, this is very, very S&M, this bit. When he's in the prison, tied up. Not M&S. Not M&S. This is very S&M. And has he got that weird mask on? Yes. At that point. Yes, which, yeah. And I've also put Peter Wingard's mask looks a bit crappy. This is the worst bit for people. Yeah, because you can see the black makeup and through the holes. Yeah, but I kind of like that part.

Well, it shows that it's a mask rather than he's a robot. Yes. I really, I thought that Wingard, despite wearing a gold mask throughout the film, steals the film massively. It's just brilliant because... Well, it's like Darth Vader, isn't it? Like Darth Vader steals every scene in Star Wars. This guy, Wingard is the same here in this. Apparently he begged the director for him to take the mask off at the end and he refused to let him do it.

I would have liked to have seen what disgusting face was underneath. That would have been good, wouldn't it? And then he says, okay, well, you're going to die, Earthman. One last wish. What is it? And he's like, I want to see Dale. And then what I put is she comes in and he goes. you look great. And I thought, that's a really weird flex slash opening line. Not like, oh, thank you. Oh, you look great. Yeah. What? She's being turned into some kind of space concubine. Yeah.

Those sexy clothes they force you to wear against your wheel. That looks really good. I watched it through tonight before we started and there's loads of extras in this which are like in the shadows you don't notice.

Yes. All done up and stuff. And lots of sad dwarfs. Lots of sad dwarfs. Yes. Ross, well, we'll get onto that. I said, when we get to our closing credits, um, we then, so they, they're just like, Oh, we're, we're running out of time. And the, the, the reverse sand timer and all the rest of it.

and he's like oh i'm really sorry dale blah blah blah but you know try and save earth whatever that doesn't really matter um we then find out that he's going to be executed again as we said at the start this is weirdly kind of horror coded this whole sequence

Number one, he's in execution pants. He's in quite weird pants that they're going to execute him in. Something for the mums, isn't it? Something for the mums. And or Freddie Mercury. And so they put him in. The execution guards look very, very spooky. Very horror movie. Yeah. And, though, he is then treated by a doctor. And, guys, do we notice who the doctor was? Yes. He's from a sitcom, but I can't remember his sitcom. He is. Ross? He had a moustache. I don't know. I'm not sure.

He's Howard from ever decreasing. Yes. Yeah. Another. And again, for our foreign listener. And we may have mentioned ever decreasing circles before an extremely popular British. The doctor guy was very, very British sitcom from the 1980s. And Howard and Hilda were like the comedy neighbors. They always wore the same, they were a couple that wore the same clothes. Yeah. And he, it's so kind of, he was like this. Oh, Hilda, well, I never. Was he a recurring person on?

that was house party as well yes but to see him in this and being like So to see him then as an adult, once you then have had the lifetime of watching Ever Decreasing Circles and have him going, Aura, you know I need you. I'm like, that's Howard from him. So apparently... the producer was like he needs to be a good looking man and um and the director said no no he's he wouldn't he wouldn't he sort of was one of the things he's stuck on i want him to be this actor because i want yes wow yeah wow

okay uh so then uh they he says this will help you on your way which of course is even though you think he's being murdered by the gas it's obviously some sedative literally just to knock him out to make it so that flash doesn't die His body is then taken away and we kind of get, we see like his gravestone at that point. Yes, which has been cut off with the flash of the golden logo. Yeah, which I put. I was just like, what the f***?

Very nice. It was very nice of Ming the Merciless to use his Flash's trademark font on his gravestone. Yeah, it's like, oh, they've got his t-shirt off it before they put him into his weird, you know, ceremonial... You can see Ming going, he's that copyrighted. Yeah, and then they've given him his own kind of tomb room, haven't they? Yep. Nonsense. When we find out that he's not dead, basically, in order so that there's a scene where...

Oh, Ming's daughter is called Princess something. Yeah. Princess Aura, isn't she? So basically the mirrored coffin is basically so Princess Aura can look up Flash's arse. Yes.

Isn't it? But I did put, why would you have a mirrored coffin? Why would you have a mirror in a coffin? It's very strange. In the director's commentary, the director was quite surprised it was a mirrored coffin. There were so many bits in the film where he was like, oh yeah, that's quite good, isn't it? It's like, you fucking made it.

um they reuse that coffin later on to be the thing where which she uh princess or gets um uh tortured on yeah whoa and also you reuse the hands from the big because at the beginning

When they first get to Mongo, Flash goes to shake hands. They fire their hands off and electrocute them with those metal hands. And they said, we didn't have anything to film, so we just made it up. We flipped the... we reused that coffin and then we got the hands from the earlier scene to be the bit was stuck on and he goes amazing for something we improvised so that seems to be one of the scenes which everyone seems to remember and yeah yeah that's mad yeah

So, yeah, so we find out that Princess Aura is really hot for Flash. And as I put it here, that every woman in this movie is characterised as being up for it. Yes. That is the long and the short of it, isn't it? It's a very, very sexualised movie. And the clothes that she gives Flash, she gives him a very stylish scarf, which I felt was like the Italian influence of this film. Utterly superfluous right here. Finish off that outfit with this flourish. Get this scarf off.

And so while they're escaping, we see that Zarkov is being mind wiped. So they can use his intelligence as part of the, you know, kind of the... Ming's intelligence force. So many scenes like this in films from this era, isn't there? Yes. Where there's like a sped up newsreel of like Hitler and... Well, what I've put is...

This montage is absolutely wild if you think about it, right? Because one of the traumatic things, so we get all the stuff of him being at NASA and you see him basically being fired from NASA in reverse. But then we also see... That he's sad because his wife is dead. Yes. And that we learn that his wife has died because they show us it happening. Yeah. They throw her into a swimming pool. For reasons which are not clear.

And the thing is, it's clearly not a very deep swimming pool. You could just stand up in it. And I put, his wife drowns very easily. And then she's just like, oh, my wife dead! Maybe it was Michael Barrymore's party or something. Yeah. Very possibly. And then, so yes, and then as John says, we get the whole, you then find out Topol in his Jewish heritage. We find out that, you know, his parents were refugees from World War II, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He plays his own father. Yes, he does. Yeah. And then it kind of reverses him to an embryo and he goes, Mama. It's so good, this film. And then they're like, like Ming says, oh, don't. let him have any more than level four his brain won't be able to take it and klytus goes put it up to level six

And then I've put, why does the machine scream at level six? Yes. Why does the machine give out a scream? There's no need for that anyway. Because it definitely wasn't him screaming because you can see his face and he's not screaming.

It really reminded me of the film called, I think, Warlords of Atlantis. Atlantis. The guy that was in the Aeneidin line in the 70s has gone to Atlantis. And this was on telly all the time in the 80s when I was growing up. And there's exactly the same effect of someone's, he's got this kind of mad mask on.

And I think they show him the future of humanity. And it's basically Hitler and everything all sped up. And I think it's like a mushroom cloud. And then he's screaming. And I just thought, God, there's so many films that go for this kind of. insane punishment. And I think that they comment when they say Hitler goes, oh, he was on the right track. It always has to be a yes.

You know, we're a villainy movie. Which implies they know about Hitler. Yeah, yeah. Yes, very true. So yes, then we find out Flash has been kind of secreted away by Princess Aura 2. She says, I'm going to take you to my secret pleasure moon.

And I was like, oh, that's very porno, isn't it? Yes. And all these moons, they go, none of them, how? None of them are moons. None of them are moons. No, they're not moons. None of them are moons. They're just, they're like floating, floating islands. Yes, that's right. Well, they're not moon shaped, are they? She goes, over there, the planet Arborea. And that's not a planet. No. That's not a planet. And I thought that was a, there was a breakdown in British to Italian in terms of set design.

It must be what it looked like in the comics. Comics or something like that. And we then cut back to poor old Dale Arden, who has now been turned into one of Ming's concubines. And what I put is... but the concubine set is not as classy as the rest of the movie. It's really cheap and horrible. Having a children's film where they are...

literally called concubines as well. Yes. There's something which you'd have to explain to your children what a concubine is. And they suggest that Ming is obviously going to have sex with her. And they say, basically, to make it not so bad, here, drink some of this stuff, which I put down. They've got it from the Galaxy of Pleasure. I was like, a whole galaxy of pleasure? That's a film I want to see.

galaxy of pleasure yes all this is very uncomfortable very yes you're just like oh god Epstein Island Epstein Island yeah all of that and then this is also so she then decides but Dale decides that she She can't go through with this. She drugs, you know, she, she drugs the one woman. She likes it. And this is where I put, she's gone from being a gibbering wreck as a character, basically being a, to being Wonder Woman in 30 seconds. She can do like.

Gymnastics. She's really good with a gun. And I put, is this because she's slightly pissed? And in that way that everyone, all of us have had a few drinks. I'd love to go with that. I could have a go. Let's go for it. Maybe Dale's just drunk for the rest of the film. It's possible. Yeah. So at this point, Ming has got no problem with raping her. No. But later on, he has to be married to her in order to do it.

i think it's just because he's he's so won over by her spirit oh yes i think that's the thing he's decided she's too good for concubine level because she managed to you know break free okay so yeah uh and then Oh, this is we also get like the telepathic phone call. God, this woman's really turning me on. Which is also really, I just watched it thinking this is like something off the two Ronnies. It felt like a Bond film to me. Yes. I think it's worse.

Well, is it worse? It's the sort of thing Bond would be having, like, on a phone call. To M. To M, with someone, like, undoing his thoughts. I just think it goes on too long. Yes. And it's neither funny nor kind of... necessary because well they they don't use telepathy again in the film do they it's it's basically just because the whole kind of oddly enough john i thought about this as i was watching it was like with the whole like well you can't have it so

For the purpose of the rest of the film, Flash can't be in the palace anymore. Flash has got to go and do things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unite the rest. And also, Dale thinks he's dead. They could have just done a thing where she sees a video of him running away or something and goes, but that's all it is, isn't it? It's just a device for him to say to her, don't give up hope. I'm going to try and...

Don't worry. Hang in there. I'll be back. But also, why would you need this device in the cockpit of your space rocket? Sexy reasons, I don't know. It's like, if you're flying your spaceship, why do you need to talk to someone telepathically? That's free, isn't it? Surely you could just have a microphone and like... So, but for reasons that I, even when I was watching it and making copious, copious pages of notes, I did miss why they decide that they need to stop at Arborea.

basically to go and see Timothy Dalton they do tell you I can't it doesn't matter because she's having isn't he a secret lover and she thinks that's the way she can go and like hide Flash yes Yeah, I guess so. We don't really know why she wants to hide Flash at this point, do we? She wants to cop off of him at some point. That's basically it, isn't it? Yeah. Because I couldn't tell if it was some kind of resistance movement against her father. Not yet. No.

Because then what we get is what I would call the folk horror section of this movie. And this is where, once again, the tendrils of the things that we've looked at start to manifest themselves. in this film. So Arborea is, basically, it looks like Endor as well. Yes. It's Endor before Endor. I think it's certainly prefigured Endor, doesn't it? It's woodland. It's like a woodland moon. It's all wood.

And the thing that we get is, first of all, we get that there is a young man going through an initiation ritual. Again, which is very folk horror. And... This is the point we said at the start, we explained this to foreign listeners. The man in this sequence is a man called Pisa Duncan. Pisa Duncan was a children's TV presenter on Blue Pisa, the iconic Blue Pisa in this country.

And in later years, he became Chief Scout, a role now played by Bear Grylls. It's somebody I can't stand. Often wore a jean, a green and white checkered suit. Do you remember that suit? Yes. Designed by the competition. Yes. Kiddy. Kiddy, yep. Right. So traditionally, in Blue Pizza, especially in its earlier iterations, one of the hosts would be very... Action man. Would be like in the action, and they would send him outside to do various different things.

Yeah. Peter Duncan was so popular in this role. They gave him his own spinoff series. Yes. this ladies and gents was an episode of Duncan. Yes, Ross. This is an episode of Duncan dares. One of the episode of Duncan dares is, Oh, they dare be to be in a movie now. I'm fascinated as to who from the BBC went, oh, they're making Flash Gordon at the moment. Check if we can get Pete Duncan in this in some way. Or did someone from the production crew reach out and say,

oh, if you're coming to film something, do you want to be in it? Because I'm assuming, when you think about people being children's TV presenters, he's probably got a background in acting and had probably done some acting before. But yes, so it is he. It is Peter Duncan. So it's so weird seeing someone who was a large part of your 80s TV child experience suddenly popping up on the cinema screen.

Peter Duncan. Apparently he's the only Blue Peter presenter who did a stint at presenting, left, and then came back and did a character presenting as well. Well, well, well, well, well. He, um... So this scene for me is one of two great horror memories of a child. This is the only other scene I can remember as well and being terrified of it. So he's basically, they're all...

basically dressed a bit like Robin Hood and his merry men. And the initiation ceremony is to put your arm into this weird tree trunk. thing that looks like it's made out of clay. And in there is some kind of mini beast with a sting. It looks very hammer. Yes. The beast looks very hammer horror. If it stings you, you go mad.

And this, I saw this around the same time as Star Trek II, the Wrath of Khan. I was going to say, this makes me think of the same vibes of having that finger in your ear in Wrath of Khan. Because that, I remember watching the uncut version of that one. I was... And it scared the wheelies out of me, where obviously Chekhov and Captain Terrell, is that his name, has the kind of... Botany Bay. Botany Bay. Oh, no. Has the thing put in his ear.

weaves itself around your cerebral cortex, blah, blah, blah, blah. So yeah, these two, it's a very similar kind of vibe, isn't it? Where these horrible... Critters are like things on Earth, but they're beyond. It's an armadillo with a scorpion's terrorism. Yes. And if you get stung, you have to beg to be murdered. Or you go mad through the pain or something.

Yes, sounds like IBS to me. Very horrific for what is basically supposed to be a children's film at this point. This is when Stuff for Kids was just virtually like... The difference between an X-rated thing and what was for kids was very slight, wasn't it? I don't think you had nudity, but you certainly had probably the same level of horror. Yeah. Which is mad when you think of some of the stuff that was on.

when we were kids yeah and they they just weren't they didn't have any problem people talking about sex just you couldn't see it yeah yeah it's like carry-on films were on at six o'clock yeah it was just like a kid's bring to watch a carry-on film yeah yeah

People getting their leg over. That's the noise your leg makes. Yeah. Well, it does now. Now, so they set this up. Flash doesn't do it yet. But it's very much set up that you know that Flash is probably going to have to undergo this same ritual at some point. Yes. We then also find out that Zarkov finds Dale Arden.

And even though they're like, Agent Sarkov, go and get Dale Arden. After about 30 seconds, he's like, I'm fine. I'm fine. And what I put is, why haven't they put an override switch on him? Yeah. Why is there no override? Did they not think he might rebel at some point? So back on Arborea, Princess Aurora is like, right, I'm going to go back. I'll be back in touch with you in a bit.

And then all of a sudden it's literally cut to her being tortured. Yes. I put cut to surprising torture scene. Yes. And then as the scene goes on, they do explain, oh, when she came back, we've arrested her. But my God, it's suddenly such a jolt that, you know, she's in one scene, one minute. The next thing you know, she'd be bloody tortured. And again, this is my first point when I was like, no wonder this is now a 15. This is a scene of actual torture in a kid's film.

I felt a bit like with this, that this is a bit where a few scenes were dropped because it's just like so and so and so and so. And then suddenly you're just straight into this part and it's like there's nothing in between, is there? It's a bit weird. Yeah. And this is when, is this when General something or other turns up who was one of my favourites when I was a kid? I can't think of her name. General Carla. Is that her name? Yes. She's very good. When she dies.

I remember very much when she, when I was little, when she dies, it's just like oil comes out of her soup, which I remember thinking that's really creepy and weird. Yeah. Yeah. Very strange. And also they threaten. They threaten Princess Aura with the boar worms. Yes. Yes. Which, again, unbelievable for a kid's film. Not the boar worms. Prepare for torture! Confess, and we won't hurt you anymore. And then she's like...

when my father hears about this and he's like, well, guess what? And then I put is Ming was just concealed by sophisticated lighting. It's like there's a slow reveal, which is basically someone just turning a light onto it. Before I go, okay, when she comes in, I'll stand over here. I'll hide here. Yeah, okay. Eating grapes. It's very Beatles about, isn't it? Here comes Emperor Beedle. Amazing. Yes. And so we find out that what he says is, well, you know, I've given Klysis permission.

torture you because I know you betrayed me and Flash Gordon's alive. Bad vibes. Yes. Meanwhile, Flash has been stuck in a prison, in like a swamp prison. With a lizard man, and I put the lizard men are always getting a kicking in this movie. Richard O'Brien's playing a little flute. Yes. And a hawk man who I've put, Flash got me bothered to learn his name. He goes, stay here, Hawkman. I was like, fuck off. My name's Jeff.

Yeah. Fuck off. Yeah. And does he ever get saved, that Hulk man? Or does he just stay down there? I don't think he does. No, no, no. And then I put, oh, Richard O'Brien starts getting lines here. Because again, Richard O'Brien is a huge name. I didn't even manage to get him in the list of amazing people at the start. The man who gave us the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And what I put is, he's like, I've got a plan, Baron. Ha ha. You know, because they basically...

They could do anything. They could just kill Flash and go... So basically, they want him to escape so they have a reason to kill him. Although they could just do that. In many ways, this is like the first episode of The Crystal Maze, isn't it? This is the genesis. Richard O'Brien says, come along, team. Come on, get out of there. If they had a really massive budget. Yes. Richard O'Brien pretends to be a prisoner and says, oh, you know, I'll help you escape. Flash.

and sort of leads him through Arborea, only to find, oh, Flash, you bastard, you've broken out. Yeah. Oh, and you shouldn't be here. This is only for special Arboreans. So now you've got to put your hand in the...

The initiation wooden hole. Flash manages to basically outwit Prince Baron by pretending to be bitten. He makes a break for it. And then we get... the scenes that i put this is also very horrific number one because it's an 80s child kind of child fear here yeah as he's escaping he kind of falls into like a quicksand yes style

Very 80s children's film. It's very 80s. Reminds me of Never Ending Story when the horse falls in the swamp. And once again, I put, this scene is horrific. If you watch it, you know, that fear of drowning. and not being able to touch the bottom of somewhere, being somewhere where you can't get any purchase. That's really scary. Like Colin Baker's Doctor happens to him in Trial of a Time Lord.

Yes. And then... But he gets out of that and then he gets eaten by a big light load of rubber. Yes. I didn't understand what was happening there. Well, he gets eaten by a creature. which envelops him, a woodland terror. A scurry clam. Which looks, again, pretty horrific. And this scared me a bit as a kid, I think.

And then it's a case of Prince Baron, just for a laugh, Timothy Dalton, finding it all very funny, chooses to save him. And it's like, ha, you foolish earth man. You know, you would have died, but, you know, I can't have you. essentially having sex with my girlfriend that this can't be but then with that dun dun dun the hawkmen turn up i guess prince once a word yeah and basically it's then

That's TV's Brian Blessed, isn't it? TV's Brian Blessed, wants a word, and they zip him away straight off to the Hawkman world. This is turning into a mammoth episode. So listen, we're going to pause it here and come back. On this cliffhanger? Yes.

I don't know if we're going to do that as two episodes or what, but it depends how quickly we reconvene. But this is where we've got to so far. So come back either after the break or in the next episode to find out. In six months' time. I have a six. Yeah, yeah. If we're all still alive. You have been listening to The General Witchfinders. Support the show and continue the conversation.

at patreon.com forward slash general witchfinders. Subscribe and spread the word at generalwitchfinders.com. Farewell, and don't have nightmares. Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Pattinson star in Die My Love, a ferocious portrait of a woman engulfed by love and madness. Lawrence and Pattinson play a passionate couple who, after moving to an isolated house in the country, find their relationship unraveling following the birth of

of their first child. Vanity Fair hails Lawrence's performance as astonishing, and Time calls it the kind of performance you go to the movies for. From director Lynn Ramsey, Die My Love is only in theaters November 7th, rated R.

Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Pattinson star in Die My Love, a ferocious portrait of a woman engulfed by love and madness. Lawrence and Pattinson play a passionate couple who, after moving to an isolated house in the country, find their relationship unraveling following the birth of

of their first child. Vanity Fair hails Lawrence's performance as astonishing, and Time calls it the kind of performance you go to the movies for. From director Lynn Ramsey, Die My Love is only in theaters November 7th, rated R. All right, remember, the machine knows if you're lying.

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