23. Feeling Good About Your Body

Are you fed up with the gay dating scene? And are you exhausted trying to find a decent man through bars, clubs, and dating apps? Listen, I hear you. Dating in this day and age can be exhausting. But the truth is, Your dream man is out there and he is waiting for you. My name is Frank Backri and I've mentored thousands of single gay men from around the world.

So how do you attract lasting love no matter your age or appearance? That is the question, and this podcast will give you the answer. Welcome to Gay Dating Secrets. Let's get started. Hey everybody, welcome back to the podcast. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about body image and the role physical attractiveness plays in gay relationships. So this is a huge topic that I've been wanting to talk about for a while now and I'm excited to dive in.

Uh before I do, a couple of exciting life updates. I recently moved into a brand new home, new construction in North Carolina. So I've been spending the past few weeks. getting my new home to put together and all furnished. So that's been a lot of fun. And I got notification from Spotify that this podcast. is in the top 1% of most subscribed podcasts.

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So let's talk about body image. Now If you've been listening to my podcast when I started it years ago, you know that one of the key and fundamental things to understand. when it comes to a successful relationship is that physical attraction is not going to sustain a relationship. Physical attraction is going to fade over time. It's going to change. Energetic attraction.

is what sustains a relationship. So you can think of energetic attraction as your compatibility, whereas physical attraction is your chemistry. There's a podcast episode I released called Chemistry versus Compatibility. I think it's my favorite podcast I've done. It's one of my favorites on the show, and it's the one that has

Um gotten so much positive response from those of you who have sent me messages on Instagram. Um, many of you have said that deeply resonated for you because you've noticed that you've been confusing chemistry versus compati compatibility. So uh in summary, chemistry is that initial spark. It's that physical attraction you might have towards someone. And that is what might initially bring you towards someone. But chemistry phase.

Compatibility is really being with someone that you are aligned with, that you shared you share values with, that you um have a lifestyle that aligns with their lifestyle. So compatibility is Something that you must prioritize when dating over a physical attraction and chemistry, surface level chemistry. So I wanted to go deeper into a piece of that in this in this episode and talk about um body image.

Now body image is something that Many gay men that I've sp I speak with and coach, many of them struggle with their body image. So think about this right now. When you look in the mirror, are there parts of your body that you wish you could change? And it might even be interesting to ask yourself, how often do you really look at yourself in the mirror? How often do you check yourself out?

A lot of times when I talk with gay men, they say they don't really like to look at themselves in the mirror, especially when they are naked, because they don't like the way their body looks. They wish that they could change something about their body. And if this is sounding like you, then you are not alone because most gay men do have challenges with their body image. And I think this episode is going to give you some perspective to help heal some of that.

Now, when it comes to my personal journey of of understanding my body and and my appreciation of it. Um I did struggle, even though now I do have a healthy body image and I and I've learned to love my body.

I used to really struggle with with my body. Um I started to have body hair, especially chest hair, at an earlier age than most men when I was um in my teenage years and early twenties and it was something that I was really ashamed about and I would shave a lot of my body hair because I thought um that it was unattractive. And I also was very skinny for many years of my life. I didn't have much muscle on my body. I was kind of lanky.

um very slim and I was insecure about that because I didn't again think that I was attractive. And then I remember one day in college, uh I I decided to grow my chest hair out a little bit, and I was probably going to shave it around the time when a man that I met had noticed some of my chest hair and said that he found it really attractive.

And I was really shocked when this happened because for so many years of my life I thought that my body hair was unattract unattractive. I thought that body hair on men was undesirable. So I what I thought Was unattractive was actually something that others found attractive. And this is when I started to realize that there are people out there that are attracted to all kinds of body.

Whether you have a thin body or a thick body, a hairy body or a hairless body or something in between, there are people out there that will find you physically attractive. So after I realized that, I started to embrace my body as it naturally was, which was hairy. And I found that over time I would draw in and attract men that liked And preferred a man with a hairy body. Now

It's interesting'cause sometimes I will still meet men who will say that they prefer a hairless body. They don't like the way a really hairy uh male body looks. And that's okay. And I've learned to be okay with that and and understand again that there are people out there for everyone when it comes to body image and physical attractiveness.

So how much do you feel like you are trying to alter your body to appeal? To more men? This is a very important question for you to ask. How much do you feel you're trying to alter or change or modify your body because you think it's going to make you more attractive? Now One interesting experiment that I did because I wanted to years later, this happened uh last year. I wanted to experiment and see.

How altering my body would influence how other men would find me attractive. So I was the ex- I was the a subject of my own experiment. And it was after I had COVID. I've had COVID twice. Uh, and after I had COVID the first time, I lost a bunch of weight and I was feeling very frail, very weak. I lost a lot of weight because I lost my sense of taste. So I was very um discouraged and I was not motivated to eat as much as I normally would. So I ended up losing a bunch of weight.

So after I finished losing uh losing that weight during COVID, I decided I was going to do for the first time in my life a genuine bowl. a bulk where I was intentionally going to add uh eat a surplus of calories in my diet. and see how that changed my body and see how it changed the way that I thought about my body and also see how it changed the way that other men perceived my body. Because up until that point, I had always been kind of that slender.

slightly toned body image that uh was what I was comfortable with. So it was very interesting because as I started to bulk up and intentionally eat more. I had a lot of fear. I had a lot of fear around losing the body that I was used to having and how that might change how attractive I I felt and how attractive I was to others. So in this span of around two to three months,

I had put on about twenty to twenty-five pounds and that was a combination of some muscle and also fat as well. So my body had definitely filled out and it was absolutely noticeable. And what I did is I started to send before and after pictures to men on various uh on various dating apps. And I wanted to see the response. And these were men that I didn't have any relationship with, they didn't know who I was.

Um, so they they weren't biased in sharing their feedback because I didn't already have some kind of dynamic or relationship with them. So I was sending these before and after photos of what I looked like when I was more slender and toned to when I was thicker and filled out. and had more of a belly and had more thickness all around.

And it was interesting because to my surprise, over 90% of the men actually preferred where I had the thicker look, where I had more of what one might consider the dad bod look. And this really blew my mind because for so many years I thought that in order to be sexy and desirable, you had to be thin or you had to be fit. The body that I had created over this bulk was more of an average body that one might consider average. You know, definitely thickness there. There was a belly.

And there were such a positive response to that. So when I did this experiment, it was very difficult for me because I was having so much resistance and fear to doing it. But I'm so glad I did. And I'm so glad that I was able to gather this feedback from the community because it made me realize that there is you do not have to be thin and you don't have to have six-pack abs and this perfect quote chiseled physique. in order to be sexy, in order to have an amazing relationship as a gay man.

And that's something that I really hope sinks in for you because there are uh over the years of supporting hundreds of gay men, body image is one of the very top challenges and insecurities that gay men experience. So as a result of this insecurity, a lot of gay men overemphasize the importance they put on their physical appearance. And they make that and believe that to be one of the more important factors that determines their relationship success. And this is completely not true.

So there are men out there that are interested and attracted to your body as it is right now. Whether you're thicker, whether you're thinner, whether you have muscles, whether you don't, and whether you are hairy, whether you're not hairy.

Okay? Now, here is my theory on why a lot of gay men also struggle with their body image. My theory is that a lot of gay men try to make themselves Sexy and attractive to all gay men. They try to make themselves sexy to 100% of gay men outside.

And this is an unwinnable game to play. You will never be sexy and physically attractive to 100% of gay men. If we were to take a hundred gay men and ask them if they find you physically attractive, No matter who you are, you will not get someone, you will not get all of those gay men sit to say yes. And you might challenge that and say, well, that can't be true. Because if someone has a very muscular tone,

youthful looking body, then they will obviously be considered attractive by all gay men. Well, this is not true. I can tell you myself that if you were to ask me physically What is my preference if I were to just consider someone's body? Which of course when we're talking about relationships, you don't consider. But if you were to ask me, what is my preference physically? Uh my preference is not the six pack. My preference is

Um a guy with a beard, a guy with a belly. I'm I find that wildly attractive. And there's probably many reasons why. Um, but that's just been my preference, more of that bear look, so to speak. Now let it many gay men out there don't find the bear look or the bear physique to be sexy. So it goes back to my original theory, which is that you cannot make yourself

sexy and attractive to 100% of gay men. So if you're trying to change your body to make yourself more attractive, then this is not a good use of your energy. So, what I invite you to consider instead is that no matter who you are and what you look like and what your age is right now. You can you can assume that there are are already about 25% of of men out there, gay men, that will find you physically attracted.

I think this is a really healthy, much, a much healthier perspective to adopt when you are thinking about your body and your physical attractiveness. Just assume that about a quarter of gay men are gonna find you physically attractive. And for some people, of course, that number might be a little bit higher. For others, it might be lower. But the point I'm making here is that there's no reason for you to try to make yourself physically attractive to 100% of people.

There are many gay men who will who one would think, oh look at them. They have such an incredible body. There's no way that they'd struggle in relationships, or there's no way that they'd be insecure. And this is actually not true. So just because you see someone To be physically attractive was it doesn't mean that they also have their own issues with with their body and the way they perceive their body to be. In fact, a lot of gay men I've s that I've spoken with who

um have very fit muscular bodies, they also struggle with feeling confident in their skin and feeling sexy and attractive. There's things about their body that they wish that they could change.

So when it comes to your your own body, it is important for you To feel confident about your body. Not because of what others think about it, but because of what you think about it. What do you think about your body? So when I went through my experiment where I bulked up. There were some people through that experiment when I asked for the feedback. There were some people who did prefer.

The thinner, slimmer, and even the fitter version of my body. There were certainly some people there. So as my body changed, There were some people that were finding me less attractive, and there were other people that were finding me more attractive. So no matter how your body changes. you're going to find that there's always gonna be different people that find you attractive. Okay, your body is always going to change throughout your lifetime. Your body is something that will not stay the same.

So the more attached that you are to the way your body looks right now, the more suffering you're going to set yourself up for as you age and as you go through life. So instead of attaching yourself to your body and attaching yourself to how others feel about your body, what if instead you just focus on embracing your body and feeling amazing about it and feeling grateful? for the way that your body serves you, for the purpose that your body has in your life.

for the m the incredible things that your body enables you to do. This is a so this is such a healthier way for you to think about your body versus thinking, oh, I have a little bit of a belly that I should probably lose. Now, of course you can do whatever you want to do for your health reasons, but health is such a big term and it it encompasses so much more than physical health. Health also includes your mental health and your emotional health.

So a lot of gay men put so much emphasis on their physical health and they neglect their mental and their emotional health. So this is why you might experience some people that might have a very physically fit and defined body. But when it comes to their emotional intelligence, when it comes to their um Mental intelligence, it's lacking. Okay, and if you've met men like that, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

And it is possible to be both physically fit and emotionally fit. So I'm not saying that if you're physically fit, you're not emotionally fit. What I am presenting is that make sure that if you're someone that puts a lot of focus on your physical health, if you're someone that goes to the gym, you're working out, you're lifting weights five, six, seven times a week. How much focus are you are you also putting on your emotional, your emotional health?

Okay, how much focus are you putting on growing your mind? If you're focusing a lot on growing your body, make sure that you're putting just as much focus on growing your mind. Now in my in my uh adult life as a gay man, something that you may have heard from previous episodes is that I really poured a lot of my attention into my mental health.

I I would go to the gym, I'd work, I'd work on my physical health, but I also would work on my mental health. And that's why I invested in in coaching and becoming a coach. I invested in coach training. And it was the most valuable skill that I ever learned to this day because it allowed me to develop this understanding of myself and what I have to offer and and uh who I am as a person and what I value and how my brain works. And that has been

So incredibly useful. It's been just as much, if not more useful, than understanding how to lift certain weights and use certain machines at a gym. So make sure that if you are putting so much emphasis on your physical health that you are also considering, okay, how can I also invest in my mental health? and in my emotional health. These are important just as important so that way you can really show up to dating.

At the highest level, exuding the highest vibration. So that way you really are making yourself magnetic, not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

That's what I got in this episode of Body Body Image. So I want you to think about right now what is one thing that you can embrace about your body? One challenge that I'd love to leave for you is to take a moment sometime in the next day, and I want you to. Strip down to nothing and look in the mirror.

And I want you to really look at your body and notice what comes up for you. Notice the part of your brain that tell you that you're not good enough, you're not attractive enough, that you're not worthy, that you're too fat, that you're too thin, that you're not muscular enough, that you're too young, that you're too old, whatever it might be.

I want you to start to think about what you can embrace and what you feel confident about. Now, the the one thing I want to leave you with on this episode is that. One really important thing for you to do if you feel like you are because I know that there are some of you listening to this that are thinking, oh, well, it sounds good for you. That's great. It works for you because you're hairy or because you're this, because you're that.

You must make sure that you are putting yourself in environments where people embrace people like you, where people appreciate your body type. So a lot of times I hear gay men say that they feel like they're constantly judged for their body. A lot of gay men tell them that they're fat or they're unattractive. And I ask them, well, who are where are these gay men coming from? Where are you experience experiencing this?

And many of them say things like, oh, well, it's guys on Grinder who see my photos. And I say, well, have you considered that maybe it's not that you're the problem, but maybe it's the environment that you're putting yourself in that's the problem. So one expression I love to share with my clients is don't change your act, change your audience.

Don't change your act, change your audience. So if you're feeling really judged and criticized about your body right now, you're you got yourself in the wrong in the wrong audience. You've got to change that.

So, get yourself out of environments where you feel judged and criticized and not welcome, and put yourself in environments where you are. Um, so One example is like there there are there are websites out there, there are apps out there, there are groups and communities out there that embrace different body types in the gay community. So I always find it wild when a gay man tells me, oh, I'm just

I'm I'm a big, beefy, hairy, bearish guy, and I'm just not I don't fit into the gay community. I say, have you heard about all of the events out there that are geared towards bear looking men? Um, and the app even apps out there that are more geared towards men who are hairier or men who are larger or thicker. So what if instead of you needing to change, you you, you just need to change where you put yourself online and also offline.

It's not about changing your act. It's about changing your audience.

Okay, so that's what I got on this episode on Body Image. And again, if you've enjoyed this podcast, I really would appreciate it if you would leave a five-star review. It takes uh 30 seconds to do and it really inspires me to keep producing lots of episodes out there for you. Now I'm also getting a lot of messages from you all who are listening asking about getting more support, getting more coaching on some of the topics I've covered in this podcast.

And I wanna let you know in case you don't know already, that I have created an online program called the Find Your Dream Man Program. It is a an online coaching course specifically for gay men who are looking to find love. And it is perfect for you if you want to learn how to apply every single concept and more that I've covered on this podcast. So the Find Your Dream Man program.

is something you can access right away. It is the best course out there for gay men who want to show up in the best possible way, have incredible relationships, and feel amazing about themselves in the process. All you need to do to get full access to the program is go to www.gaydatingsecrets.com forward slash attract. Forward slash attract A-T-T-R-A-C-T. You'll be able to see everything that's included in that program. And when you enroll as a special bonus.

You are invited to also include a one-on-one session with me. This is the only way that you can have a private session with me. Again, that's that's going to gay datingsecrets.com forward slash attract. That is the best place for you to start to get the foundation and learn all of the best coaching tools that you can apply to yourself to help you attract the man of your dreams.

And also if you wanted to dive deeper into something specific and get my perspective and and for me to offer you my coaching as someone who's been in the industry for 10 years supporting hundreds of gay men around the world. Then when you enroll in the program, you can also choose to include a one on one session with me. I would love to be able to connect with

more of you over the next year and provide some support. So that way as you go into 2023, you are bringing your best self and you are attracting men of the highest caliber. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast and remember, he's on his way. If you liked this podcast and you want to take your growth and transformation to the next level,

I want to share with you my brand new podcast called Life Coaching Secrets. It's where you will learn the exact tools I use to become confident, attract quality men, and even create a successful business. Head over to the Life Coaching Secrets. Secrets Podcast to get started. I'll see you there.