What Doesn't Kill You... ft. Alex

And I remember being younger and like when my dad would go to the bathroom, I remember thinking like, oh, I can't wait to like, be able to be like my dad. And then growing up in rural Iowa and rural places, small towns, drinking from a very young age was very common, very much a part of it. And I really, I didn't drink in high school and I thought that I'm not going to be like this. I'm going to do something else. And then when I got to college that's kind of when. Things change.

Probably other people share that story as well. And I went to design school and design school is incredibly competitive and you're encouraged to be incredibly competitive and. One of the first things we did when I got into design school, I studied landscape architecture at Iowa state was we went on this nine week road trip and we went all the way up to Winnipeg, Canada and all the way down to moderate Mexico. And when we went to Mexico, I was 20 years old at the time and in the closet and.

I was so terrified of drinking because I was so terrified of getting drunk because I was terrified of losing control of my life. And. I was afraid of outing myself. And so that was like the main reason why I didn't drink because you know, I've heard all the stories. I've seen all the movies about like, oh, when you get drunk, you get crazy and lose control. And I was like, that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to out myself.

But when I was in Mexico, I got completely wasted for the first time, like blackout drunk. And I remember it felt so good and. That then led to like coming back to Ames and back into the college life and like really leaning in really intensely to that experience. And then I had the experience with study abroad and while I was in Amsterdam studying abroad, I really, really leaned into it. Like I tell people, like, it's part of my story where I tell people I didn't really actually study abroad.

I like partied abroad. Like I didn't really study it at all. I was literally drunk. I didn't want. Participate in any other like drugs or marijuana in Amsterdam, but drinking was very much a part of that experience and getting blackout drunk. And I, there was this moment where I was like drinking two bottles of wine and then going out with my friends like that kind of like it just snowballed really quickly.

And then part of like now, like sort of merging into adulthood after graduating, I moved to Omaha. And then I moved to Kansas city and then now I'm in Chicago and all these places, what they have in common are extreme, heavy drinking cultures in Omaha and Kansas city. It's all about breweries and like going out for happy hours and in Chicago, it's the same thing, lots of drinking, lots of local places.

Anytime you meet up with someone it's about drinking and maybe that's just about being a millennial, but it feels very. Especially in Kansas city, it felt very much a part of the culture of that entire city. And so that kind of brings us to like about two years ago. And that's when, like I was drinking quite a bit. I was working at this arts institution and it was fairly intense, really an intense experience where we were working with artists from all around the world.

We were putting on this huge exhibition and. Drinking was just part of it. We would go out with the artists, go out with the curators, anyone who was visiting, we'd go out, go out, drinking, go out, dancing, et cetera. And then after that job was over, which was in January of 2019, right before the pandemic. I had applied for 150 jobs. I was like really stressed out. My relationship was beginning to fail while it was in like the end stages in my life felt very much out of control.

And I ended up having two. Take what I thought was going to be a temporary job at a grocery store. And I thought, I just literally just need money in my account. This is going to be fine. There'll be a couple of months. And this was January. This was February, 2019, right before the pandemic. And then during, you know, that first month I was really unprepared for what was going to happen at the grocery store. I was really unprepared, like, especially as a CIS white man, like.

Pretty privileged to be able to like go into this place that was filled with people who aren't like me. And I went into this space and witnessed really. Unfathomable human rights violations by customers, the economy and capitalism, and witnessing that even before the pandemic started, like I got, I couldn't like I couldn't handle it. And I just started drinking and drinking and drinking like every night drinking, like one of those small bottles of vodka every night just to go to sleep.

So then I could get up and drink a bunch of coffee to be wired enough to go to work. And like suppressing the depression and then the pandemic kit. And I realized in like my boyfriend at the time we've made up, we've apologized. We're like we're friends now, but at the time w I guess we'll say, like, we broke up on March 11th, which is a really important date in the pandemic, which is the one that wh Phil announced that this is a pandemic and. Then on March 13th, you know, everything shut down.

And I realized my life at the grocery store is going to be over in a matter of weeks or days. Like I thought it was going to be. And I, as the uptick of the pandemic escalated very quickly. So did my drinking. And because I was like not just dealing with a breakup, which was hard and difficult for anyone, I'm assuming.

Which can lead to a lot of people drinking, but then you add the pandemic and then you add the, like this precarity of a job, which was supposed to be days long or weeks long, which turned into 14 months of me working there. And really the heinous acts by customers. Like I was hate crimes, five times witnessed two really unbelievable things, which. Even now I'm like having a hard time processing what happened, but on March or on that I saw, I really started drinking a lot.

And then I got COVID like at the beginning of COVID and I didn't have health insurance. And I was like, I didn't have any of the symptoms at the time, which will allow you to go to the doctor to get. Tested. I like had the no taste, no smell like that. Sort of an extreme fatigue, which at the beginning of the pandemic in April, those foreign symptoms. And so I also had COVID, which made me like my brain literally stopped working.

You want me to like tell this story to be like depressed and sad because you know, there's a, there's a happy ending. It just really, like, I lost absolute control of my life and the drinking became this like steady regulator of like, okay, I'm going to drink this much and I'm now I'm going to pass out so I can sleep. So I don't have to think about anything.

And so like then on now we're sort of getting into like the journey of sobriety, which I have a friend who's been in AA for about six years. She said, Alex, you know, I go to this weekly meeting, there's a lot of LGBT people in here it's really supportive. A lot of listening ears. People want to help you. Maybe you could come be my guest for this one session. And I said, sure, why not? And that sort of opened up a chasm of living the identity, even know what's possible. And it also opened up.

Level of depression like that. I, or like a level of scariness that I didn't know was even possible for a human being to experience it. Some of the things that I heard in these meetings were, you know, I'll keep it anonymous, but it was very intense, like things that I didn't realize that alcoholism could get you to. I recognize like my dad is an alcoholic and I saw how that like led to my parents being divorced, but that's not.

Even beginning to be the extremes of what I heard in these meetings. And it was in that moment where I was like, okay, like I have to like change something in my life. Like I have, I'm going to stop drinking in this moment. And that was on May 6th, 2019. And I'm that sort of person that's like. Well, if I just put my mind to something I'm going to do it, and the going to the meet, I went to a few meetings and it became like too much to hear about the extremes.

So I might be an example of someone in your podcasts of who went a, gained a lot from it, and then was able to like take that, internalize it and sort of set my own garden boundaries up in order for me to not drink. Which was just how my personality works and it's, I have not drank or anything for 593 days. And I really can't imagine drinking again, to be honest. It's a long story, but.

The pandemic really opened up for a lot of, I think what I experienced in the pandemic, especially working at a grocery store, a lot of people who looked like me acted like me were me, the old version of me coming into the store every single day. And by. A crate of truly a crate of beer, you know an entire box of wine. And I would see them every single day. And because I was one of the heads of customer service, most of the people I worked with were 18, 19 20, 21, and they couldn't scan alcohol.

So I would have to literally see these people every day, like, oh, hi, welcome back. Like, oh, how are you today? Oh, this flavor looks good. You know, like that sort of weird small talk, but it was like, Girl, like I just saw you yesterday and you're like, and it just became encouraged during the pandemic and really like, reinforced that it's like, yeah, this is what we do during the pandemic to cope, we get completely wasted.

And because I didn't fit in with everyone else, every other millennial who was like working from home or receiving unemployment to stay home and stay safe, I was not staying home and not staying safe while experiencing working at a grocery store. I didn't know what it felt like to be able to like, learn how to make a cocktail. I didn't have that luxury or privilege to do that.

And instead of I stayed home and didn't drink and it was, you know, it was really fascinating to like, as I started, like unlearning who I was as a person during this experience, you know, unlearning what drinking has to do with my life as well was a really huge part of the pandemic. Yeah, I

I saved $200 a week for an entire 14 months. And I was able to quit working at the grocery store because I saved over $6,000 from not drinking because I was spending about $200 a week on alcohol. And so when I stopped, I just like set that money aside and like just watched it grow in my savings account and was like, kind of horrible. Like I'm not, I was not like a massive drinker. But still was drinking a lot and $200 worth of alcohol and just how much that adds up.

Like it that's a very quickly,

And then just, I was like, I need to be over this. And then there were so many positive things that came out of it.

Or any other gay club, you know, you get you Preet, you meet with your friends, you pregame, and then you go out, you know, you could expand this to any city. I'm sure it's very similar. And it's just part of the gay culture. Like you go to brunch and you go to the place of the bottomless mimosas, and you, you post about it online. And then, you know, You get completely wasted and then you go to Sunday fun day and you maintain your drunken state.

And then you post about having something which I find weird called Sunday scaries. Like, I think it's hilarious if that's even a phrase because it's like really celebrating, being an intoxicated or. You know, drinking or spending a lot of money that maybe you do or don't have. And so like, my sexuality has, it's been interesting because it's like made me have to have a different set of friends or be around friends who don't make it a big deal, which was really difficult. At first.

The main question I received was like, because I got sober kind of at the beginning of the summer, a lot of people would ask me, how long are you going to do this? When are you going to like, drink with us again? And I became friends with this great group of people. They happen to be muscle gays. So like the stereotype of the gay community, drinking alcohol or drinking and drugs being a major component of it. And I was sort of quickly folded into that group.

And then after I sort of, they realized like Alex is not drunk or high with us. I sort of was sort of quickly transitioned into the designated driver and then quickly transitioned into not being invited anymore. And sort of my thoughts on that are like that. I was maybe a bit too much of a mirror to them where it was like, every time I said I'm not drinking, there was always this sort of fumble of why only drink on the weekend. I only drink at parties. I only do this like once or twice a month.

And I'm like, I've hung out with you every single weekend or every single, you know, I've hung out with you a lot and know that that's not true, but I never said that I'm not judging, but just like reflecting on it and. It was a very strange experience to be like quickly absorbed into a group and then sort of quickly let go from the group because of my lifestyle choices were not analogous with their lifestyle choices and I'm not judging it.

I had the most fun I've ever had in my entire life with these group of people, but it was also very strange being around people who, me being sober. I would sort of make these excuses or make these. Comments about like not drinking and being around drunk people is kind of very similar because you're just watching people be crazy or, you know, people on drugs that are like one letter drop, one letter drug names, you know, like watching people just be completely gone.

And me being completely there, it was like, we're just in two different realities right now. And. You know, I had to like sort of make these excuses like, oh, I'm a grandma. I really enjoy watching people have fun. Or I'm like the grandma at the park bench watching my grandkids at the playground have fun, but it kind of, wasn't fun as well at the same time.

And. I dunno, it's like the lifestyle change and like alcohol being such a major factor in everything about the gay community, or I would even just expand it to like, millennialism everything that revolves around millennial culture. It's always a happy hour. It's always going out for drinks and it's been difficult, like dating people too, because when you say I have to like put on my like thing, like. Capital letters like I don't drink or I am sober.

Like, just so it's like very clear, like I find with going and getting drinks with you. But I, this experience where I went on a date with somebody and they drank an entire bottle of rum in front of me. And like, I don't care that you're drinking. I'm not like that level of sobriety. Like, it's fine. If you're drinking around me and understand that other people it's an issue. Watching somebody drink an entire bottle of rum and then literally fall down my stairs, me calling Uber for them.

They don't remember it the next day. And I'm like, this is really a lot to take in. And so I think the sexuality part, I mean, it also folds back. This is the last thing I'll say it kind of folds back into why I didn't want to drink in the first place because I didn't want to cover. Or I was having a hard time, like coming to terms with my sexuality at the time.

And so anyway, yeah, lots to fold in and think about, but I'm still thinking about it and thinking about like, is this something that we'll do for the rest of my life? I'm not sure, like I plan on it. But there's a lot of peer pressure.

I didn't know you were sober. I didn't know that you are a part of this community as well. Amazing. And so it's like allowed me to break down some barriers that I thought existed. That was like, actually we share a lot in common now that we're both on this journey. So like the Instagram direct messages are a part of it, but also like when I'm around, I got a party or something like last weekend I was at a party and I mentioned that I'm not going to drink. And everyone was like, cool, no problem.

We've got some water, you know, I could make you you know a mocktail or whatever. And I was like, I'm good. I got my tonic water, which I love. Like I just bring tonic water everywhere. And as a mix. But if I'm drinking a Virgin gin and tonic just hold the gin. And a lot of people were really very supportive and then some people, I don't know if you've experienced this, this too, but like when I mentioned that I don't drink people will come up to me and ask me questions.

Like, how is it, how has it been? Like, how do you get, I have some people will say. Social anxiety and drinking helps me like get into it. How do you do that? And I said, well, I'm not an extroverted person. I've like turned myself into an extroverted person through not drinking. Which is when it really positive lifestyle change. Like now when I'm out and about like, I don't need to be.

Wasted or even a little bit tipsy to go, maybe talk to that cute guy in the corner, or even just maybe be that cute guy in the corner. Who's not drinking. And that's been a really amazing positive change. Yeah. A lot of people are like, I could never do that. And I'm like, well, I thought the same thing. I don't try to preach to people, but I do think that more people could be sober than they think they can be.

It's like, not this part, but sometimes it is really hard, but there's like moments where it's like, oh, this is kind of nice. My bar tab is $4. And most of the time the bartender might give you the, you know, whatever. Diet Coke or whatever you're going to get. They might give it to you for free. So like a night out can be, you know, $20 or whatever, and instead of hundreds, depending on where you go. So yeah, there's lot of positive things and I think it's probably different for everyone.

It's certainly made me a lot closer to my friends who are sober. And yeah, opened up a lot of conversations with people.

But every my, my life completely folding in, on itself and melting away. But I will say like the clarity that came from it pretty quickly was very powerful. Not drinking or not being hung over, allowed that, like, it started off very small, these like little moments where I had clarity to be like, okay, what am I going to do about this situation? Or how can I change my situation?

Or re-evaluate a situation, or we think something The clarity is worth it, not being hung over or feeding or, you know, like kind of being an example of other ways to exist as a gay millennial. Like, I feel kind of great to be a role model for some people in my life about you can be gay live in Chicago, go out to boys town, go out to the dance clubs, go to the gay beach and not drink like this is possible. And my body is very grateful. It is.

Like, I feel a lot healthier, like not just like weight loss and being able to reach fitness schools, but just like mind, body being so much healthier. And, during the pandemic, as an essential worker, I experienced, you know, extremely, extremely horrific things. And one of those was in my own life. Like I was pushed to the brink of suicide twice. Bye rabid customers physically assaulting me or hate cramming me or witnessing racism and bigotry.

And I think those moments of suicide were very, very intense. And I think if I would have been drunk, I went to Ben sitting here with you right now. I think if I would've been under the influence of alcohol, That razorblade that I was holding in my hand, would've been put to use as opposed to being able to stop myself because I wasn't under the influence of something.

And I'm sure other people have other experiences, but like for me, like being at the lowest, darkest, deepest place allowed me to like turn around and look like I have a lot to be grateful. And again, it was because I had that clarity of mind, even in that moment of extreme depression, I was able to like find the little tiny fragments that were still like dust bunnies in my brain and be like, okay, you're not going to do this.

Your life fucking sucks right now, but you're not going to end your life. And. Yeah.

And like, she always brings it back to her sobriety and it was just like, okay, if Bernay brown can do this, I can do this. And she's always like giving these little helpful hints. Okay. I'm kind of obsessed with Bernay brown, but that's okay. Yeah. And that there's, you know, there's many different realms of alcoholism. Like, you know, you don't have to be at rock bottom to like decide to be sober.

But through the pandemic and through sobriety, like, damn it really helped me. Like there are these things that entered my life and probably enter other people's lives. And they're tough. They're really tough. And it's so easy to grab a drink and just quickly instantly it's gone. But it's still there.

Anyway, that's my, and I guess the other thing that I used to do, I did it for like the first year of my sobriety, the first 365 days was that every day I would write down the number on my calendar, like a little sort of, you know, planner, daily planner. I would write at the bottom how many days it was. And it was just like that little tiny thing, a little reminder. Of being proud of myself. Like at first I was like, when I had one week, I was like, oh my God, I can't believe I did this.

And then it was two weeks and then it was a month and I got a little coin from my friend that was like one month sober. And then it was two and then it was six months and then it was like a year and now I'm like, oh my God, It's pretty amazing. So I do like some of the AA stuff and like the coins and just these like little celebrations and my friend who invited me to the AA meeting she's one of my really good friends and I'm like, I'm almost at 600 days and I'm like, I can't believe this.

I'm so proud of myself. And she's really proud of me. And it's like, you know, I think it's like great to have friends or connections with people who are, who are there to support you. And cheer you on. It's like, yeah, 593 days or 211 days like this. Whenever I see somebody posting about it, I'm like amazing. Yeah. One day. Awesome. Get it, girl. I love you. XOX so like it's, you know, I follow a lot of on Instagram.

I follow a lot of sobriety Instagrams, and it's like, Sometimes you see people who are like celebrating 30 days there, so you can see on their face, on the post. It's like so exciting. And it's like, I am so excited for you and with you. And I get that same thing back when I post about my sobriety and yeah, I guess a network of people and friends is, is a really great thing to have.

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