Hi everyone. And welcome to gain a podcast about sobriety for the LGBTQ plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Ben and Martin. I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful for my sponsor walking me through my FET step. As of this recording, I am 276 days sober. And today we're welcoming a guest to share their experience, wisdom and hope with you. Welcome to the show, Danny.
My
oh, sorry. No problem. Why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners?
Hi, my name is Danny. I, she, they pronouns. I have been sober according to my app for 651 days. And I'm super stoked to be here. Thank you so much
for having me. Oh, it's my pleasure. And congratulations on that sobriety length. That's. But with math, it's hard. Is it over two years or just about two years?
It's the last two years. I think it was. Yeah, like just over 21 months.
That is fantastic. Congratulations. Well, why don't we to get to know you better? Tell us a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was.
Yeah. So I was never like a daily drinker. I was, I mean, for me, I guess, spoiler alert, like I'm like leading with the headline. I was always a binge drinker. And that really actually didn't show up until I went to college. So I guess like going back to the beginning where it all kind of probably came out of I identify as a queer femme Mexican child of an immigrant. And so There's a lot of cultural things that, that entails. I'm also like a child of divorce.
And basically what I learned at a fairly young age is that if I am like perfect or like good quote unquote I'll never. In trouble or I'll never like I'll just fly under the radar and be invisible. Because I experienced like a lot of like adverse childhood experiences. And so like my coping mechanism was perfection. Just, just be perfect all the time which is totally attainable. And obviously probably you know, just anyway. So as I. Grew up.
I just sort of maintained that I didn't really drink because that would skew the perfection. And as I got into college, it was my first time away from home. It was like wildly cliche. And that I, you know, I had my first drink and I didn't really love it, but like I loved the feeling. If that makes sense. And so I would, I just started binge drinking and so not so great stuff came out of that. And that only exacerbated the drinking and. Out yet. I didn't actually come out until I was 25.
But alcohol kind of like laid the groundwork for me to feel comfortable, to maybe explore my sexuality in a way that like, I guess I just wasn't comfortable or ready to do on my own sober alcohol and that. and that experience that I had and I guess like a trigger warning is just like I experienced sexual assault. And so that basically. With my drinking exacerbating and just, it was really not so great.
I have flunked out of college and that was like the final, like, you know, blow to that, like belief of perfection. And so I was like without a coping mechanism. And so I just like held on tighter to alcohol. And that wasn't so great. But when I was looking around everyone was kind of drinking the way I was. And so it was easy for me to give myself an out like, oh, everybody else is drinking this way. Clearly I don't have a problem. Like because nobody else thinks they have a problem.
Shortly after I moved back home, I did I came out and it was an incredible, like, it, it felt like home in a way. And that, that was fantastic. And I really leaned into it. I was like, yeah, I'm out 25. Like what, what am I going to do? Yeah. I started working in the queer nonprofit sector. And that really, I think is where the drinking, I started to recognize that I was drinking a lot, but again, I was surrounded by folks who were drinking. As much as I was, if not more.
And so it was just so easy for me to, to push it off and push it off. And so part of my job entailed being in like queer bars, nightly, like I was, I was there like every single night. And I w I, it never occurred to me that I didn't need to drink every night. In the bar. And so I was just at that point drinking every day. It was, when I look back at that time, it seems wild because my life is so, so different. It's like bananas to think about it. But anyway, I continue to do that.
I eventually took a little break and I was like, you're drinking a lot, Danny. And so I slowed down on the frequency but really like accelerated in the like amount that I was drinking. And so continuing to work in the queer community, I started to, I got a different job that allowed me to like, get out of the bar scene. But still like my whole community, my whole circle, like everybody. Yeah. All of our socialization revolved around drinking.
And eventually B pandemic, I guess, like pandemic happened or is happening. And someone that I cared for was like, I. I'm going to begin my recovery journey. And I was like, whoa, okay. Like me too. Like, and it was never really like discussed beyond that. It was just assumed that I was doing it to support them because again, my drinking, according to the world was fine. It was not problematic at all because because of what everybody else was doing.
Which is such a lame way to like evaluate the problem. But anyway, so throughout the pandemic, there was, there was, you know, I, I w we weren't seeing anybody, I wasn't going out. I wasn't having to navigate telling people that I wasn't drinking. So like the, the few people that I talked to throughout everything, it was like, oh yeah, That's so great that you're supportive. Yeah, you don't have a problem. Like that's so great. And in my head I'm like, yeah, I, we don't, we just don't.
We just don't talk about it. I don't, I don't know how to say it beyond that. It was just something that I think too, to recognize that I had a problem with drinking. I think a lot of folks would have to. Wrecking or grapple with their own with their own drinking. And that's not, that's not my thing to, to carry. That's not what I hope to elicit in in other folks it's this is my journey. And so I think it was just like easier for everybody, myself included to just be like, oh, well, here I am.
Kind of coming to now. I experienced like a lot of something that I hear a lot about. When folks talk about like the first 90 days, I didn't have like the experience that a lot of folks talk about with the first 90 days being. True. Very, very difficult. Like, it was tough, but like, it wasn't, it wasn't what folks described. So I was like, okay, cool. Like was like, how, how great that I didn't have to, to navigate that. And then this past summer I experienced the worst 90 days ever.
And it was like in the middle of my like sobriety. Just the hardest stuff I've ever had to deal with. And like, my world was falling apart and I was like I, I want to drink. And the person who I had. I was like supporting by not drinking. It was no longer in my life. And I realized that I also had no sobriety community whatsoever.
And I was like, like, I guess I could start, I guess, you know, I was starting to like negotiate with myself, like, oh, you didn't tell anybody, like, nobody would be like, worried about you. If you started drinking again. And that like scared me. It just like really scared me. And so I was like, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta tell some folks, you gotta tell people that you're not drinking and you're not drinking and you haven't been non-drinking because it's the best decision for you.
And so that's what I did. I went to the internet and I told her Instagram. And so I instantly told everybody in my life And that was incredible. I started a separate Instagram and it has led me to meet like cool people, like you like a whole new sober community. It's allowed me to connect more richly with the people in my life. And I, yeah, so I guess that's like where I am, like my start to finish. That's where I'm at.
Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, I can certainly relate to a lot of what you, you went through. I know that, you know, Drinking probably got like the worst time that like, or when it kind of really snowballed into something that I had to address was when I was surrounded by people who were drinking like me, or like supporting my drinking.
And so like that whole like inner perfectionist of like, I have to be careful of how everyone's perceiving me once I'm surrounded by people that are all like, drink, drink, drink, like that's when I kind of went off the deep end, so to speak. But finding sober community is just so important. And I'm so glad that I found you and that you found the, the sober Instagram community.
I have so many of my guests come on from there, but it's just because there's not a lot of like LGBT plus and sober, you know, communities locally, like throughout, like, unless you live in a big city, like New York city or something like that. And like, even then there's like little ones scattered throughout from what I've seen, like it's reconnect online, which has just been brutal.
Yeah, exactly. Cause it's just so much of queer culture is like rooted in, in the bar scene and like, rightly so. Like that's where it was safe to be out and queer and like, especially for black and brown trans folks, like it, it all tracks. It's just like now how, how do we connect outside of the bar scene? How do we connect without alcohol? And like, Unique to the queer community, but not necessarily like unique for like the community, like the
global community. Yeah. And I mean, how do you feel like, I know we talked about like, you know, our community centers around places with a lot of alcohol generally, but like, besides that, how do you feel your sexuality or your gender, gender identity played a role in your addiction and your recovery?
I think that. How am I like sexuality played a role, was that it was when I came out. And then when I was also working at an LGBTQ non-profit and even now, cause that's like my job too now it was expected. It was expected that I would be out. It would, it was expected that I One, I guess, be out, out like out of the closet, but also like out in the community and where the community was, there were in the bars. And so when I would like get messy or anything like that, it was.
Expected or just like laughed off. Whereas I think that in other times, like maybe if I wasn't out or if I was well, I think I felt like I wasn't out it might've been looked at a little bit differently where we're like, oh, you know, You've kind of been drinking a lot, like recently, but now it's just like, oh, that's what like, of course, like she's this old and like she's out and single or whatever, and like, it's okay. It's okay. For whatever reason. I don't know.
But I do think that played a role in it. And I think I, as I was identifying more, so like kind of seeing. How I was drinking was not how other people were drinking. Who that every time I wanted to drink, I wanted to drink and I wanted to get like, just completely, I, I wanted to get drunk and other folks don't drink like that, or like, don't have that goal. And so. It was really starting to weigh on me.
And I was recognizing that, like, I was doing all these things, but I was you know, I was hurting myself or I was hurting other people. Or I was missing some really great things that were happening like right in front of me because I thought I was having fun, but I was really just. Blacked out. And I, I, I mean, like I missed most of Robin, I saw Robin live and I can't even tell you, like what happened half the time. And that's like a really big regret. It's silly, but like Robin's great life.
I can imagine. I've had experiences like that, where like, I look back, I'm like, I don't remember that night. And like, cause my husband and I also do like a pop culture and movie podcasts. And he's like, when's the last time you saw the craft? I'm like, I think we watched it last year. He goes, that doesn't count. Now what would you say some of the positive changes have been in your life now that you're living sober?
I think that. I already knew that like my friends and like the like queer friendship, family, like my chosen family were incredible. But like the second that I said out loud, like that I'm sober and I'm like, not planning. Like I I'm not for somebody else. Like I'm sober for myself. The second I said that, like, I was just like inundated with these. Just like wave of support from like people who were like, you know, I struggle with this too.
Like or, or friends who are like you know, I'll always make sure I have like sparkling water for you. People who check in on me. It's really shown me that beautiful side of the queer community. Like people who I. I wouldn't expect to have reached out to me, like did. And I think that it has made the relationships in my life richer and deeper, and I'm, I'm so, so grateful for them.
And, and I think that sometimes I experienced like FOMO where I have to you know, where I won't get invited to stuff where I'm like, oh, like, I, you know, I wanna, I wanna go here. And then I kind of think about it. And often it's like folks, just very sweetly thinking of me and like not wanting me to be uncomfortable in an uncomfortable situation around alcohol. And like, I find that very lovely if I think about it that way, that like how, how lovely that like people care.
So, so deeply that they would like try to, you know, navigate that. So I, I think that I have. Found myself more. I have like put myself first and prioritize that. Like I'm not out at the bar, so now I can afford, you know you know, I'm able to like pay for therapy. I have these other, like these resources available to me that I, you know, I wasn't prioritizing. And I was, you know, stuff about like my own healing and my own recovery, which is larger than like just say, like being sober is.
You know, prioritizing that and I'm, I'm really grateful for I'm really grateful that sobriety has given me the opportunity to like,
explore that. Yeah. And I know that therapy is huge, especially like for the us in recovery. What are some other things that you do in your daily life to help keep yourself sober?
I have an incredible. Dog, her name is honeybun and she is precious. When I was having those, you know, those brutal 90 days that I was telling you about earlier it was honey bun and her sweet little face who, you know, got me out of bed and like to take her for walks. You know, if I was considering, you know, stopping by the liquor store or something like that, I was thinking of her sitting at home, you know, just waiting for me. And so I, you know, she is a huge source of strength for me.
Like hiking, my friends, cooking like working out and writing writing is a really. Tool that I utilize to stay sober. I was always through my perfectionism, it also like allowed me to be like, oh, I'll start that later. I'll start that later because it needs to be perfect before I can like start. And you know, now I'm just kinda like not, not afraid to like, just. Start something. And so writing and putting my thoughts out into the world.
Those are, those are things that really, really helped me stay sober.
And you mentioned how many people have reached out to you since you, you know, you're recovering out loud. What's some advice that you like to give people who are sober, curious, or newly sober.
So this, I think applies to like so many things in life, but it's like, don't be afraid to let folks see you try. Right? So like, if you're sober, curious, like don't, you know, like any, you want to try, you know, Try. It's okay. If like you slip up it's, you know, like it's okay. If you relapse, like you just keep trying.
And like, I look at that in so many other facets is that I was always so concerned with being silly, like being perceived or looking silly or not like an expert or something like that. And really now I'm just like how much more fun my life is and how much, you know, I get to experience when I'm not afraid of. Letting folks see me try.
Yeah. Excellent. And I know that, you know, no matter how we get or stay sober, as people in recovery generally love our steps, traditions, and sayings. Do you have a favorite mantra or quote that you try and live by?
Oh, it's definitely that one. And so like, don't, don't be scared to let folks see you try, like, just do it, just do it. Just, you know, you, you want. You want to start your podcast? You want to like write a blog. Do you want to do like, whatever, like, don't be afraid to let folks see you try, just do it.
It's beautiful. And I certainly agree. You know, just put, putting myself out there and like the, the chances that I've gotten to help other people get themselves out there. You know, I still get amazed every week when I get like X number of people downloaded your podcasts. Wow. How, but people, yeah. So since you recover at lead, tell us where we can find you so we can get more, Danny.
Yeah. Yeah. So I am on Instagram as at alcohol free adventures and I also have a blog that's linked there as well. And I'm on Tik TOK by the same name. So yeah. You know, I, I like to really, my whole thing is exploring adventure one day at a time. Because there's so much out in the world that while I've might have experienced it, right? Like music festivals and, you know, travel, I have not necessarily experienced it sober.
And I think the, the world, you know, I think there's like a hashtag like sober, not boring. And I, I think of that all the time when I'm out and I'm like, this is so much fun. And yeah, so that, that's basically what I explore on, on my, on my blog and on my Instagram. I'm by no means an expert.
I just like to share that, like, you know, there's folks out there that are living life out loud and recovering out loud and just like having Celebrating the huge and mundane things that happen in life and experiencing them sober.
Perfect. Well, I will make sure to include those in the show notes so people can find you. Thank you so much for being on Danny. It's been a pleasure. Yeah, it was great talking to you. Yes. And thank you listeners for listening to another episode of please rate and review.
If you found this information helpful as finds other people, find us, if you're interested in sharing your story or just saying hi, I'm always an email [email protected] and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening. So you get these new episodes whenever they come out every Monday and Thursday, and until next time stay sober friends.