Resentments

I originally went through the first three steps without a sponsor, but then kind of got stuck there because four and five kind of go together and five is kind of voicing out everything that you review in step four with someone else. So I needed to have a sponsor to get on to step five.

And even just looking at step four worksheets, I got very overwhelmed at the idea of writing down every horrible thing that I've ever done and what that would look like and how it would make me feel you know, reflecting on your past is hard. I did a lot of things in my active addiction that I'm not proud of. You know, some of them I can say it was because I was so drunk, it doesn't make it okay.

But a lot of times it was even because I had that alcoholic mind, but I was sober at the time as well. So there is going to be a lot for me to look through as I go through this step third. I also know that talking to other fellows, many of them mentioned how difficult the step was, you know, and I think that if you're doing it right, it is going to be hard. But part of my fear was just fearing about what that would do to me having to look back on everything. Was I ready to face it?

What that would make me feel like, what it would make me do. You know, early on in sobriety, I was worried that looking at my past might make me want to drink again. You know, my drinking was, you know, as much as it was drinking to forget and not feel, you know, a lot of the forgetting was stuff from the past that I was just trying not to feel or pushed to the side. So revisiting it, I was worried about what that would do for me and my sobriety.

And just all the worksheets just seemed overwhelming and complicated when they say like here's eight pages and you make as many copies of the pages you make, and then you write it all down. It just I'm very much like you're giving me a worksheet and I want to make sure that I'm doing it right the first time around, because I would hate to fail it. Quote unquote, even though I understand this program, isn't something that is really pass or fail. As long as you stay sober, you're you're passing.

But I did kind of get some. I was really relieved when I started meeting with my sponsor that they had us start from step one. It gave me more time until step four, which was what my original relief was. But looking back on it now, it also gave me a chance to get closer with my sponsor which ultimately has been making step four easier. They were someone that I knew from going to meetings, but we really only knew each other in the rooms and having. Talked a whole bunch outside of the rooms.

It's made me feel more comfortable telling this person, you know, my deepest fear as an insecurities and resentments and things that happened in the past that I wouldn't be so proud of. I think it's just easier having that close relationship with your sponsor to be able to go through it because it re you know, alleviate some of the fears of voicing them out loud, knowing that it's in a safe space. So to get started on the fourth step he's has me making an inventory of my resent.

And so to get started, I like to just quickly review what resentments are. I know that we all feel like we know it, but it is a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. And so having reflected on the definition, I know that anger and displeasure really unhealthy feelings for alcoholics to hold onto or for anyone to hold on to. But also just like a lot of the things that unfair, unfair is a word that is open to interpretation.

But yeah, things have happened to me in my life that are unfair and I hold onto them. I don't let them go right away. You know, luckily he, rather than just writing out a list of everything in my life that I find unfair, you know, that would be a one way of doing it, but it doesn't leave me much. Like just describing how it makes me feel, what my parts and it works cetera. So we are using a worksheet where it kind of breaks each resentment down into five steps of reviewing.

So I'm going to go over those with you now, just so that if you're looking for a way to begin your fourth step or prepare, you know, obviously the best case scenario would be working with a sponsor. That's what will get you to step five, if not, you're just sitting alone in your problems by yourself as my friend, Kristen once said, so definitely have them help you walk through it.

But in order to prepare, if you're looking to see what that can be like this is just one of the many ways that people can attempt their fourth step and so far so good for. I been listing out my resentments. They specify resentments as things as all people, institutions and principles with whom I am angry.

So people are easy to understand those are your family, your friends, your coworkers, people that you run into in your life that you hold resentments towards institutions are things like for me, it was my job. No specific person associated with it in that resentment, but you know, the job itself.

It's just more of the things that you're resentful for which also gets into principles like traffic laws and bad drivers or the patriarchy you know, homophobia, things like that that are just general concepts or feelings that you can be resentful for as well. So it does go into more than just the people. It also gets into the places and things. And having listed them all out. I've done a little over 10 right now. I've been trying to do them very thoroughly.

And it's been a lot of my more personal relationships that I've been talking about now as I go forward through them and continue on finishing up the lists, I'm sure that I'll get more into some of the easier to tackle ones like. Driving. Cause I am a very resentful driver.

I get mad when people get in my way, when they don't use their blinkers, like, it just is a very resentful situation for me, which is just very funny in hindsight, as I'm looking at it now with a sober mind that, you know, I can't control the traffic any more than I can control. So a second comes after you list out those people, places and things that cause your resentments you list out what the cause is, you know, what happened and why are you resentful of the thing?

That's kind of been the meat of my list right now. That's the one we're in the little box on the resentment sheet. I'm just filling it in as compact as possible because that's the meat of what you're going to be talking about is why are you resentful at these things? Because from there, you look at it and determine in the third column how it affects you, including whether it affects your self esteem, like how you feel about yourself, your financial security.

Like if you're going to be able to keep up with your bills, if it threatens your job or your finances your ambitions as well. So if it's going to affect what you want to make of yourself, your personal relations, if it affects your friendships or your family relationships. And your sex relations, how it affects your sex life and your partners things like that.

And your pride, whether it's just hurting your pride and how you feel about yourself as well, which kind of goes hand in hand with self-esteem, but it's a little more prideful, so to speak then comes. But for many of us as the hard part, which is then looking back on yourself and you ask yourself, was I selfish? Was I dishonest? Was I self seeking? Fearful or inconsiderate. And out of all of those feelings, the one that I've been surprised finds its way into the columns.

More often than not as fearful. I am afraid of a lot of my resentments and the things that I Harbor resentment towards. It's a lot of a fear of what might've happened or what could have happened. What might happen in the future from that Just a lot of fear in my personal inventory so far. But it also, you know, I find that a lot of times it is also me being selfish or self seeking.

You know, a lot of these resentments are things that the person doesn't do to me on purpose, it's them living their lives and just how I feel about it or how it affects me. And it's becomes like the Mimi story. You know, it's, it's one thing for this person to do something that upsets me, but if it upset them more or put themselves at risk and just affected me somewhat, you know, it's not like they did the thing personally to upset me. It's just me getting upset about how it affects my life.

And I have been working on, as I reviewed the steps, kind of putting myself in their shoes or realizing that it might be even worse for them than it is for me. And. Then you, we get into what wrongs character defects, shortcomings, instincts, gone astray and harmful patterns are revealed in this situation. So that even looks further into yourself and where they come from. So it kind of, for me, has been illuminating to see where these resentments come from.

Why am I resentful of a, B or C and how it affects me and. It's been really healing. I know that one thing that surprised me so far is that while I played a role in most of my resentments, some of them are just situations where I was mad because shitty things happened to me and that's okay. One thing I share in the podcast is that I'm a victim of sexual abuse at a young age. And of course I resent that situation. It is somewhat natural.

I'm having to work towards acceptance and understanding of it. And, you know, the people involved more so than just the person who perpetrated it, but the situations and circumstances surrounding it, just coming to terms with things. But you know, sometimes shitty things happen to me and I hold resentment towards them and it's not like it's my fault or that I played a part in it, but it is kind of been getting into why I'm still holding onto it, why it still affects me to this day.

How it's affecting my life now and how it's affecting my relationships now in going forward. And so it's been really helpful going into the resentments. I know that I couldn't have done it if I didn't have the great relationship with my sponsor that I currently have. I just feel safe telling him all these things in a way that, you know, I haven't even spoken a lot of these things as specifically out loud to my husband or my friends or family. It's just a very special relationship that I have.

And I feel like many of us develop with our sponsor and it comes from. Time is a big part of it, but just that, that trust that they're guiding you through it.

And one thing I've always loved about getting to know fellow alcoholics is that, you know, the, the worst things that we've ever done, you just share and they'll be able to identify like that they've done something similar at some point in time, or they can identify with the feelings associated with the thing that you did and there's hardly ever any judgment. It's just accepted.

And acceptance is something that is a big part of my step forward for me so far with these resentments is just trying to learn to accept things that the way they are and that I can't change them, I can only change the way that I feel about them. And that is a bit of power that I do have that I'm working on exercising a little bit more frequent. So I still have work to go. This is just one of like three major steps in my step for inventory.

So I'm sure I'll be continuing to report on it as we go forward, but I'd love to know what you think of this episode in the podcast in general, please make sure you rate and review. If you're finding this information. And if you're interested in sharing your story on our Thursday episodes, or just saying hi, please email [email protected] and follow us wherever you're listening. So you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday.

And until that time stay sober friends.