Hi everyone. And welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-Martin. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for finishing my resentments inventory. As of this recording, I am 200 days sober and today I'll be reflecting on my resentments and sharing a special. And the first resentment episode, I shared how the document was set up, that my sponsor gave me to help log my resentments.
And over the past few weeks I have completed what will likely be the majority of my resentments. And I've gone over them with my sponsor as I write them page by page now from people, places and things. I went through my personal inventory and the why, which was the easiest part. However, reflecting on how it affects me was I oh, So oftentimes I believed I could resent someone or something and just move on.
But many of these resentments cling to me and stay with me throughout the day or throughout my life. So many of my resentments were based off of people or things from my past, but I still carry them. And they still affect me to this day, the friction between me and my parents as a child affects how I relate to so much of my life today and affects my relationships well beyond familial or once.
Similarly past trauma from abuse has me instinctively go on the defense with so many new people in my life that I find myself resenting them because of who they remind me of, rather than anything that they've done. Similarly, I wasn't sure what part in these resentments my part would be, but most of them were based in fear. My fear inventory comes next and I'm sure that will take even longer to go through that.
My resentments, because there are so many of them, but that's okay because I'm looking for a long recovery, not a quick one. Of course they weren't all based in fears. Some were situations that caused me to be selfish or self. See. Because in my recovery, I'm finally realizing now how selfish I can be. And I'm glad to see that slowly but surely I'm learning what it's like to be selfless at times more and more one day at a time.
The last part of my inventory of my resentments was what wrongs, character defects and harmful patterns were revealed in these situations. Just like themes in my behavior. There were themes here. Patients as a virtue that I'm only just beginning to learn, to become familiar with. And it ends up that I'm not that great of a communicator either. Before this, I thought I was great at communicating. I mean, I have this podcast as well as one to two others.
I write, I share in meetings and I communicate all the time. However, when something bothers me, I hold onto it. I don't talk about it and it becomes a resentment and then it festers. And so by going through this, I realized I do need to get back. Sharing my minor resentments when they come up, especially with loved ones so that they don't snowball into major ones. I also learned how cathartic it could be sharing my resentments with someone else.
Going through these with my sponsor was very healing and they provided unconditional love and support. It's miraculous, the relationships that I've built in recovery. One of the most special ones I've seen is growing with my sponsor. Next step is my fear inventory, as I mentioned, and I'm still wrapping my head around how that will work and how long that will take and what I'll be including on it.
Since so much of my life, I'm realizing as effected by my fears, but stay tuned and I'll be sure to keep you updated as I go through. In the meantime, I have an important announcement for anyone interested in attending New York city pride. This year, the gay and sober men's conference is scheduled for June 23rd through 26. And I brought my tickets for it this weekend. It's an amazing opportunity. Connect, connect with hundreds to thousands of people within our community for a good time.
There's going to be lots of events throughout the weekend for our community. And I've offered to help with service in any way that I can. So I hope to see you there. We will have lots of fun after all. We are not a glum lot and I'm announcing it today so that I can remind everyone to sign up for tickets because prices are going up on January 1st. The theme this year is rock and roll, and I hope to see some of you there. Thank you very much, everyone for listening, please rate and review.
If you found this information helpful. If you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show or just saying hi, please email [email protected] and follow us wherever you're listening. So you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. And until that time stay sober friends.