Don't Quit Before the Miracle ft. Lucas

I, from the first, that first night I drank up until I got sober, I've always been a blackout drinker and a binge drinker. I don't know if it was, I liked the way it felt so much that first time or. I just couldn't control myself, but I blacked out that first night and continue to do so throughout my drinking career. And you know, I had like a normal childhood and stuff growing up, you know, being bullied. I mean, I was queer and overweight.

So I was kinda like a target on my back for like bullying and stuff. So that kind of put me in my shell and Kind of led me to be really hard on myself and affect my esteem. And I think that's why alcohol was so attractive to me. Not only was it, you know, Like in, in the media and movies, all that kind of thing, glamorized and looked enticing, like all the cool hot people were drinking and doing drugs. And I thought maybe it was like my way in some into acceptance.

But come to find out, it was a much deeper connection I had with alcohol than just that fitting in kind of part, I. I heard, I heard a new Foria the other day when I was rewatching it, where she was describing what she did pills for the first time. And it was the same way for alcohol with me. I finally had found what I had been looking for my entire life, the feeling of complete.

Piece in a weird way, even though it was chaotic, blacking out and being crazy, but it was peace because I didn't have to feel anything and I didn't have to deal with anything, let alone, I didn't care about what anyone thought about me or what I cared about myself. But I quickly spiraled out of control. I went from weekend partying, like any high schooler to.

Drinking before class at seven 30 in the morning, and then driving to school, driving drunk all the time with my friends, drinking on school nights, the weekends got longer and Then I, you know, met some other fellow partiers and got into drugs, really young prescription pills cocaine, and it kind of took a hold of my life. It didn't have any drastic consequences at that age. At first I, you know, graduated high school, went to college but there's where I really Went off the deep end.

I dropped out of college, moved back home with my mom and got a job at a little big old cafe. And I basically was like, The leftovers of my high school that, you know, didn't make it college. And I felt really bad about that and it didn't help, you know, all the other things I had been struggling with. So I quickly spiraled out of control and my parents would find me like blacked out on the floor, covered in my own vomit.

And one time they found me passed out in my car with the engine, still running the door open and a bottle of VOC and the passenger. So, I mean, clearly they knew something was up. So I ended up going to a drug and alcohol counselor and, you know, to beat it up a little bit. I was resistant to her at first. And then I finally got honest and she. Actually used to work for the rehab facility Hazleton. And she was like, you need to go to rehab.

And I think I was just trying to do what my, like she wanted me to do. My parents wanted me to do so. I went to rehab when I was 19, I ended up going to, I didn't go to Hazelton. Cause I came out to her as queer at that time, even though she knew, I mean, it was pretty evident. But she sent me to, it was called pride Institute in Minnesota which is like an LGBTQ plus specific rehab facility. And that's the first time I heard about AA and. I ended up staying sober for 17.

No, that's why 15 months. After that, like my first experience with AA after rehab and I went to meetings, I, but I never got a sponsor. I never opened the big book. If anything, it was. A social thing for me, like a way to meet people and to like, I had just come out as gay, like officially to myself and to like the world. So it was almost like my way of like going and meeting guys in a way and like, you know, feeling good about myself feeling free.

So it really, I wasn't there to stay sober or recover. I was there just to like hang out and meet people. So that didn't last. And I. You know, went back out and for, it was over pride weekend. I remember I was like, well, everyone else is doing it. So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna drink. And I drank it. Same thing, nothing changes I blacked out was puking in someone's closet, woke up, had taco bell. I don't know it. Wasn't cute. And. That's I never went back until in 2020.

I never went back to AA. I spent those what, 10, 9, 10, 11 years trying to convince myself, I wasn't an alcoholic, even though deep down, I think I was knew I was an alcoholic. I mean, I really couldn't deny it. Trying to control my drinking. You know, all the, the weird ways that alcoholics try to, like, I only drink wine or I only drink after 5:00 PM. I never drink by myself.

You know, I used to like go, I would make a limit of how many drinks I could have, which was like seven, which is still to a normal person. That's a lot of drinks. I mean, but to me it was like pre-gaming and I would take them Sharpie with me to the bar. And I would tally on my hand how many drinks I had. And I quickly, quickly gave up that technique because I woke up with black scribble all over my hands and it didn't even look like dashes or anything. I mean, I, it was not successful clearly.

But anyways like what they always say in the program is it's a progressive disease. And for me it really was The not only the effects that it had on my physical health, but my spiritual and mental health as well. I would, I describe it when I described those last 11 years. It's it's like, even though I was young, you know, when I went back out to drinking at 19, I'm what 20 at that point. But, I lost whatever person I thought I was or knew at that age. I lost them over those.

11 years I, you know, had a lot of attempts to, you know, grow up, find myself, but alcohol took a lot of things for me. The one thing that really, really bothers me, right. I still, you know, I'm dealing with. Letting this go is it robbed me of my dreams and my passions and kind of my drive to. To be who I was or chase my dreams. Alcohol allowed me to settle and I thought, you know, this is life I party, I'm messy. My life's chaotic, but I was like, this is the way it is.

And I just kind of gave up on trying to, you know, lead a better life. I got comfortable with it, which is like, odd enough. It's so, you know, train Rekesh. It was comfortable for me because it's what I had known for so long. But. After, you know, years of doing this, I had the main, like the main thing that sent me over the edge this time was I was in a relationship with someone and I met them in a blackout, which is, was a pretty great example of what the relationship would be.

You know, they were blacked out. I was blacked out and our relationship was blacked out. But it was. It was beautiful in like the like drunken state, but looking back, it was just a very unhealthy, toxic relationship. And it got physically violent at the end, which is, I didn't mention it before, but it had been an occurring thing. You know, I've, I've been a victim of violence and. Also acted on violence on other people. And it just happened again.

And I just woke up the next morning and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, what am I doing? I was almost about to get fired at work. I could barely like take care of myself. I was too scared to like even go grocery shopping. I didn't even clean my room. One time. I was pissing in water bottles because I was laying in bed, hung over all day and drinking. I couldn't even. You know, I was too scared. I was going to go have to go to the bathroom and run into my roommates.

I mean, I was manipulating my parents for money. I was doing drugs at work. Go, I was drinking binge drinking. I mean, like a fifth of tequila a night when I would go out five nights a week. And then I ended up just drinking at home by myself, doing lines of cocaine all night by myself. And it just led me back to everything. That I didn't want to be. And luckily, I mean, when I look back now on the morning I woke up and you know, it was like, I can't do this anymore.

I definitely think it was a higher power speaking to me because I was so empty inside. I hated myself. I hated everyone around me. I didn't want to live anymore. Somehow I found the courage to call. My mom have picked me up and then. Call the rehab center and get myself back into rehab. I mean, someone that couldn't even go to the bathroom, like a normal person had the courage suddenly to go across the country again and like start their life over.

But you know, I, I do, I do give that credit to my higher power. I think it was an attempt to guide me in the right direction. But yeah, so that was in August of 2020. I went back actually to the same rehab that I had gone to when I was 19, which was like, I'm lucky in that sense, because I knew what to expect. And was actually a couple of people who still worked there and they didn't recognize me because I was like a child when I went, but I have a beard now.

So they really didn't recognize me with the beard. But once I talked to them, they remembered, but it's a really wonderful place. And. It ignited my sobriety again, this time around the, the, the main thing though, that made this experience different for me was why I was doing it. Before I was doing it for other people, I was doing it to be a good, what I thought to be a good person, like just to do it because I knew I was being bad and I wanted to be good. Right.

But I did it this time because I wanted to be happy. I want it to be free. And I just wanted, I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. And I knew I needed someone else to help me along the way. I mean, I didn't have to go, you know what I mean? Like, no, I was, I'm 31 years old. Like I didn't have to go, but I wanted to, I didn't want to live like I was anymore. It was a lot different.

I, you know, in the program they talk about willingness and I was very willing and I think it's because I was just so fed up with, you know, everything that was going and like, they talk a lot in AA about bottoms and I was very much out of. Spiritual bottom. And I think the lowest point for me is wanting to kill myself. Like luckily I never acted on it, but my alcoholism and drug addiction took me kind of to that place.

What's really terrified me in a way because I, I mean, I definitely don't want to die today, you know? But anyways. Yeah. So I went to, went to rehab, finished the 30 day program and came back to New York and jumped on sobriety train. I did all the things that were told of me and I just did them because I knew, I didn't know better. I got a sponsor. I w I did 90 meetings in 90 days, and that's how I found the mustard seed meeting, which I'm sure you've talked about Steve.

But I went to the, they had an 1130 beginner meeting that I went to and I on zoom cause you know, it's a pandemic and it's kinda where I think everything just came to like came to click for me was in that meeting. I heard people speak about a, like, I had never heard people speak about it. And. You know, like they say, you, you see and people what you want in yourself. And I saw all these, like people that were happy and they were like, you know, they talked poise and they were calm.

And, you know, at that point I could barely even handle saying my name and I was an alcoholic. Excuse me. And anyways, I learned a lot from that meeting. And that's how I mentioned I had a sponsor. That's how I found my sponsor and my life just kind of began to change through the program. I, you know, I, they talk about a pink cloud and I had a huge pink cloud. I think I was so excited to be free of. You know, constantly feeling like a piece of shit person.

And I was finally doing something different and I was on the right adventure. So I felt good about that. And I was excited to like take care of myself and to feel better. And I rode that pink cloud for a while, but I would say, I don't know, it started to come down a little bit after my 90 days, but I would say like by five months I really came crashing down and I think. The hardest part for me was two things. One, I always blamed alcohol and drugs for my problem.

I thought if I took those away from me, like out of my life, then my life would be perfect and I would be happy and everyone would love me and I'd get what I wanted. And that was not the case. And I think that was a hard reality to face was even though I hadn't, you know, at that point for like five months not had drugs or alcohol. I felt almost even worse, to be honest, a little bit, you know what I mean?

And that kind of leads me to the second hardest part is that I have to feel all these feelings, which I have not, I didn't realize how much I was, had kept down for all those years. But it, at one point it just comes pouring out of you. I mean, I was, I would cry in the morning. I'm the first thing I would do. I'd go out and like smoke on the patio. And I had my headphones in and that I would just start crying and then like three hours later, I'm like laughing and smiling.

And then I'm yelling at someone. I felt, I felt psychotic. I felt insane and unstable and thank God for AA, because I was told as normal because otherwise I was ready to like check myself in somewhere. And, but it was really disruptive because you think, you know, I'm doing so well. I've been sober. Like I should feel happy and good, but it's not so much that I'm. Bad or D miserable, but it's like, I'm feeling things I'm not familiar with. And I didn't know how to handle them.

You know, my tool for handling all my feelings was drinking and doing drugs. So when that's taken away from me, I'm left with a bunch of shit. I don't understand. And yeah, back to the part about like, you know, blaming alcohol and drugs, I realized that my thinking and my brain. And who I, all the defenses I've created ways to protect myself, my thinking behaviors. Like that's the root of all these problems, because I can still be a silver train wreck. You know what I mean?

But I realized in the program, I have to change a lot of things about myself and about my thinking if I truly want to be a recovering human being. So that was a hard wake-up call. Luckily, you know, I bounced back and I ended up starting the 9:00 PM mustard seed meeting with my best friend, Lindsey, who I met at the 1130 mustard seed meeting. Which is another really a big thing I'm grateful for from that meeting is I met Lindsay.

Who's like one of the most amazing, wonderful friends that I ever found. And I'm lucky to find she was like a couple months. More silver than I than I am. But we went through like the beginning together and then I think it's kinda nice to like, get with other newcomers and day counters and kind of go through the journey together. Yeah, service really changed, changed my kind of focus and I realized to get out of myself.

Is a really important thing for me to do and a really great way to do that is service. And I mean, what better way than to start a meeting? I mean, I came with a lot of responsibility, a lot of unknowns because I mean, I was six months sober and I had never even thought about starting a meeting and then we just started it, but it ended up being, I mean, something really beautiful that I'm sure we'll talk about later more Yeah. I mean, while we're

So I was like, well, I need another meeting. And I was so obsessed with the mustard seed. I think it's just, cause it was really what kept me sober for awhile. I was like, well, I want to start my own mustard seed meeting. And then I was. That it kind of changed where I was like, well, wait, I was like, there's no queer meeting the mustards. He doesn't have a queer meeting.

And I mean, I always felt, felt pretty comfortable at the, you know, the other mustard seed meetings, but they're very hetero. And sometimes, you know, I felt a little bit like I'm like the only like gay guy here. And like, not that it really matters, but I still have, you know, a little bit of I get a little uncomfortable when there's too many straight people around. So anyways, I was like, well, what if it was a good queer meeting?

And then I went to Lindsay and I told her, and she's a lesbian, so she was all about it. And, and then it just, I think. Beautiful thing from that meeting is like, I never knew what it would become or what it would do to me or for me, or for other people. Like, I just like, kind of did it. And it was almost like, just like, you know, like a random thought, like, oh, let me just start a meeting. And then once we started. Then it was so important to me. Like, I can't tell you.

I was like, it was, I was so nervous every night because I was like, like, I want this to work. I want people to like the meeting. I want people to come to the meeting and really the meeting took off from the people that came to it. And that's where it changed, you know, why. Cared so much about it. I stopped caring about it cause I wanted it to be successful. I want, I, I cared about it because of the people and I wanted it to be safe place for people.

I wanted it to be a fun place, a comfortable place. And it just it's like, it's cool to see something like. Start from nothing. And kind of, it was a mess of unknown. Like, I mean, I didn't know what we were doing, but I mean, I would host every other night and Lindsay would host the other nights and we, I was like the first speaker, cause we didn't have any speakers and then it just, it was kinda, it was funny.

But anyways, it transformed into something that like exceeds anything that I think I ever anticipated it or. Even on a deeper level, what it would mean to me to see people come in and like say how much the meeting means to them and how they feel so comfortable here. And they feel safe and they meet friends. You see how everyone getting together and like, you know, keeping in touch. And that's where it really changed.

And I think that's where I really learned what service meant is like, you do it, you don't do it for yourself. You do it for other people. And then the meaning just took off on its own and I've had to like, you know, step back a little bit. And it was like my baby. So it was really hard, but now I'm like grateful because it was a lot undertaking. But no, I'm really grateful for it. And yeah, it did come from a little bit of a selfish, so selfish plan, but Then it became very selfless for sure.

Yeah.

But you know, I've talked to, even in my little audio journal episodes on Monday is like how much has changed my life and how I flew up to New York to like meet you guys when like, I normally would like try and hide from New York because that's where I funded my first geographic. Like now it's where all my people are. So thank you for doing.

And I think, you know, that's a huge part of being an alcoholic is finally accepting. Like I know I'll never be able to drink like a normal person. Like I'll never just be able to have one drink and be cool that, and I accept that. And on the other side of that too, I accept that if I ever do pick up a drink, I'm never going to be the person that I'm supposed to be. I'm never going to go down the path that I think I'm supposed to go down. Basically alcohol takes. Everything away from me.

And like I mentioned before, I talked about how like hopeless I was, you know, I mean, I think the most hopeless someone can be as not wanting to be alive anymore. And sobriety has given me hope again, it's like restore that in me, which, I mean, it's something I really didn't think that AA would do for me. You know, I kind of thought it was a lost cause. But I don't wake up anymore and, you know, I don't want to be here. I think it will be easier to drink.

I know that all of this work I've put in is changing me and it's changing the way that I look at the world, the way that I view myself, and it's really restored my faith in life. Again. You know, I'm a firm believer in the more I work the steps and continue with the program, my life will continue to unfold. And, you know, so far it's been a really great experience and I've been given a lot of great things.

But I think, you know, the biggest thing is I have hoped for myself again, and I see I'm not scared of the future anymore. I'm excited. I mean, I try to stay in the day, like we're told, but, you know, I I'm, I, I'm not scared for what's to come, but I am scared if I pick up a drink and I have to remind myself that every day. But yeah, it's, it's a very hard, hard journey, but it gets easier for sure. But it's.

It's been something that I can't even really put into words because it's almost like, instead of just saying, like, I'm an alcoholic and I need to stay sober. I like feel it inside. Like, I feel that I need to stay sober and I want to stay sober. So that's why I do things like the Steve and come and talk with you.

But I just would say like, you don't have to feel like this anymore and again, and really like. Come in to the program and just listen and don't pick up a drink today, but your life will change if you're open to it and AA will teach you that, you know, you don't have to figure it out for yourself because clearly that didn't work. And that's why we're here. Yeah.

And you know, it's doing service because you're also like putting yourself out there and you know, showing someone that sobriety works or. Someone, if you're having a shitty day and you say, how, how fucked up it is? Someone's like, okay, well, I feel that fucked up to right now, but we're both here in this meeting, sober, so it's okay to feel like that and still be sober. You know what I mean? So service is huge and I don't know.

I mean, fitness and working out has been a huge part of my sobriety. And I think the biggest thing for me is it releases. I haven't side and kind of keeps my head clear obviously going to meetings and that's like a huge part. I have a sponsor, so doing step work, I actually, I've been sober 19 months and I've had, this is my third sponsor, but this one's like a really good fit. But I kept going to my fourth step and stopping and then kept going to my fourth step and stopping.

And the steps really are important. And I think obviously the best way to do that is through a sponsor, but steps trying to work them. I'm doing step work once a week really helps me. And it's, I still feel weird saying this, but like prayer really helps me stay sober. I've definitely come a long way with my higher power. We will open up that can of worms, but I definitely do believe in something greater than myself.

Just like talking to like a non-biased non-judgemental entity, like really helps me. And I'm a firm believer that I'm being guided on a path. If I'm open to you know, listen to like listen to my higher powers guidance. But I praying just me. It's like, I'm not alone. It gives me that assurance. I'm not doing this alone, even if I'm like physically alone. So that helps me a lot. And I mean, there's lots of things, but those are some of the big ones, for sure. Yeah.

I quick picked up on that quick and I already felt different just naturally, but I really felt different. You know, when I knew I couldn't be like openly myself and I think it really did fuck up my self esteem and my self worth and my, you know, push for living. I hit a lot. I was very. Quiet and like hiding and trying to be something I wasn't and alcohol was a way I didn't have to care and I didn't have to feel bad about who I was.

I mean, I'd get real, real gay when I drank and I didn't, I didn't give two shits. It just, even when I did come out, it's just the way the world works. You know, I've had a lot of, as a lot of queer people do a lot of, you know, day to day things that come up or, you know, unfortunate occurrences with some people that do not agree with that kind of lifestyle. And it's, it does make it hard to accept yourself and Alcohol just really made me comfortable with who I was.

So it definitely played a huge part. And in my sobriety, especially being in New York now, and there's so many queer people here and I mean, by this, I mean, now I'm like I'm gay and I don't care what anyone thinks so you can fuck off. But. It's cool to like, know there's a bunch of, so other silver queer people, you know, trying to recover because I mean, the gay community can be very I mean, it is very like parties and drinking and sex and drugs. It's just kind of a lifestyle.

Cause I mean, I think a lot of people struggle being queer and it's like a freedom to be free and be wild and be who we are and, you know, It was hard getting sober and being queer because I thought I was going to miss out on that, like freedom, but I've learned from the queer meetings and, you know, making queer friends in the program. It's honestly the best way to be myself and to be free is to be sober. So it's been a gift for sure.

And then the one other one is I've never heard this until I got sober this time, but like put down the bat and pick up the feather. So instead of like beating myself up all the time, because I'm so hard on myself. Picking up a feather and being gentle with myself. That one made me confused at first, but then I get it. Yeah.