Interlude: Depression, Part II

And this time I wanted to once again normalize discussions about mental health by talking about my ongoing struggle Struggle is a hard word my ongoing coping I'll use coping with depression .

You know , I did an interlude back in October 22 , talking about my depression , and at that point I just started medication and that medication has been working really well for a long time .

But recently I've noticed some of the same symptoms returning , a kind of apathy , anhedonia , not taking pleasure at the gym , not wanting to reach out to people , feeling really unmotivated at work . And so just this past Friday I'm recording this on Saturday April 6th I met with my primary care doctor and we talked about increasing the dosage of my medication .

So hopefully let's see well , this is coming out in a couple weeks Hopefully , by the time you're listening to this , I will be better . I hope I'm better Now . I'm not in some sort of black hole of darkness , right Like .

I'm able to get out of bed , I'm able to still go to the gym , I'm able to have plans with people , but it's as though I'm at the top of a very steep slope and I recognize it , and so I'm able to do something about it . I'm able to do something about it . I'm not only relying on medication . I also am doing a lot of my self-care practices .

That includes working my 12-step program of recovery . That includes exercising , eating food that aligns with my body goals , trying to connect with the people closest in my life and having some new adventures and finding new ways to make joy . One of those is I'm taking dance lessons . I'm currently learning the hustle .

I'm really good , and next I will learn the tango .

So I don't know where you are in your mental health journey , but I'm sharing mine , which is always a little weird for me , right Like , on the one hand , I've found that people find it quite powerful when I share honestly about my experiences and I'm able to talk about things from my place of privilege that a lot of people don't hear or don't get articulated ,

and therefore that's the normalizingizing rate . On the other hand , this is my health . This is sharing my health details . I don't necessarily talk about my GERD or my hypertension , but , if you're curious , I have both of those and they're both fairly under control .

So I'm always walking this line between really sharing where I'm at and being mindful that some information is not to be shared . That's especially true with this issue , I think , because a lot of my depression is related to the fact that I'm still looking for a boyfriend and dating is horrible . Dating is horrible .

I have boxes to tick , and one of the most important ones is that I'm really really focused on finding someone locally . I just don't know that I can keep putting the man I love on an airplane and that becomes extra challenging . And I am talking to people around the country and I don't know right . Like theoretically , someone can move here .

Right now I'm really geo locked by my career , but that might change .

In fact , I'm also doing some career explanation exploration to think about what else I might do that would allow more opportunities for me to maybe move somewhere else , maybe fall in love with someone on the other side of the country and move there , instead of having them have to move to Florida .

This is something I also don't talk about a lot my dating life , my relationship status Although you know in my more desperate times you might find a random tweet or random Instagram note that's like , oh , I'm single . Desperate times you might find a random tweet or a random Instagram note that's like , oh I'm single , looking for boyfriend application .

It's just sort of . There comes times where I cross that line . But I try to keep a little separation between Edge , the social media persona with the X and the Instagram and the podcast , and who I am as a person podcast and who I am as a person . There are a few reasons for that . First of all , dating me can be a lot because I come with edge .

I was dating this guy from LA of course , no one local a little over a year ago we went to a local leather event together and at the end of it he said you know , you cast a really long shadow and I knew what he meant . That it's a lot to be around Edge because I have some level of people who know me . I have some level of people who are fans .

I get a lot of people approaching me because of that and that can be a lot .

And so already before me even crossing this line between my social media presence and my dating life , I was like , okay , that's complicated , and then to sort of let my dating life bleed into my social media just feels really dangerous because I don't need to drag anyone into the spotlight of edge . So I do my best to keep them a little separate .

And and that's the other reason why this interlude feels a little strange , because the depression is very much related to the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend , and this is something I talked about with my therapist . Okay well , am I depressed again because I'm still single , or am I focused more on being single because I'm depressed ?

And that's why I talk to my primary care ? That's why I up the my primary care , that's why I up the dosage of my medication . I also feel that right now I just must be giving out gloomy energy because I feel a little gloomy and that's no way to meet people . People must be able to pick up on that .

So I'm not going to talk about my dating life a lot , but I do want to talk about mental health and being able to make sure everyone feels comfortable talking about mental health and , most importantly , making sure everyone feels comfortable seeking help when they need it . You know , I grew up my mom was a doctor person .

Like if anything was wrong , you went straight to the doctor . So from a very young age I was programmed to seek health care help . It was the moment I needed it . So there was no stigma for me when I first decided to go to therapy . There was no stigma for me the first time I went on a course of antidepressants .

This was very natural to me and my impression is for younger generations this is already pretty normalized . I think it's probably men and people of my age or older where mental health issues might still be , I don't know , a little squeaky , I don't know . It bears repeating often that if you need help , get it . There's no stigma around it .

I'm a firm believer that depression is a biological issue having to do with which chemicals are swirling around in my brain , and that sometimes I'm going to need a little support . It doesn't mean I won't get sad , but it means I won't fall into the pit of darkness . And there's nothing wrong per se with the pit of darkness .

That sounds awful but it's sort of true . There's nothing wrong per se with the pit of darkness , but my experience is that when I fall in it takes a long time to get out . It takes a long struggling , struggling time to climb out of that pit . So now I do whatever I can to not fall into the pit .

That includes all the tools I've talked about to not fall into the pit . That includes all the tools I've talked about . I also think that if you are experiencing mental health issues , a great place to start is with a therapist . I'm a big believer in therapy .

If I need to pay someone to listen to my problems for an hour , that's a pretty good deal , because my friends're not professionally equipped to cope with my problems and I mean I have stuff I need to dump and I can't keep dumping it onto the doorstep of my friends . I think that might really burn the friendship in some ways . That's my approach .

That's how I feel about it . I don't expect everyone to feel that way . Right , like , friends are an important part of my support network , but I also realized that I need a paid professional who can listen to my problems for an hour as often as I need . Right now I see my therapist once a month . I kind of consider it maintenance .

He knows oh my God , let's see almost 15 years of my life at this point and so I see him once a month to kind of catch him up on what's going on and generally I'm fantastic . The truth is today , april 6th , saturday , days before the eclipse . The truth is today , I am okay , I just don't feel okay .

I just don't feel okay , and that's kind of profound , isn't it ? I am okay , I just don't feel okay . What's critical is that I know I will feel okay . I know that I am walking through the hallway . I hate hallways . Right , one door closes , another one opens , but the one that's open is way , way , way far down the hallway .

Oh , and that walk is long and it's hard . I I'm really trying to lean into joy as a way of really becoming happy with being single , and I've been fairly successful with that . Let me pause , right , I've never been single for this long in my life and it's only been two years and a few months . Right , it's not like I've been single a crazy long time .

I know a lot of people who've been single much longer than I have , but this is the longest I've been single a crazy long time .

I know a lot of people who've been single much longer than I have , but this is the longest I've been single , and a part of this journey has been learning to be happy single and I've done pretty damn good work around that and I'm very happy with it . I've had a lot of adventures .

I've done travel , I've done leather events , I'm learning how to ballroom dance . I'm really leaning into my joy and centering gratitude . So I've done a lot of good work . But particularly on the weekends , I get what I tell people . I'm feeling the singles . There's a kind of heaviness right , and I feel it on the weekends . It weighs on me .

In part is because I don't have anyone to do anything with on the weekend , but also it's sort of I have to haul all the groceries in myself . That's okay . By and large I am happy being single , but there is the weight of the weekends and lately it feels like I'm more cognizant of the weight of being single practically every day .

It's as though there's a low-level pain that I cope with every single day and I don't want to overstress that because there are people who actually deal with chronic pain , both psychological and physical , and I'm in really good shape right . I am not complaining at all .

However , I acknowledge that pain is there and that it's become more prominent , and that's why I went to go get help . That's why I talked to my therapist about what was going on .

I saw my primary care physician , because it's one thing for me to get down every now and then or oh , I'm really down this weekend but it was starting to become persistent and a little more daily , and so part of the lesson there is know who you are , know yourself , know your patterns , be self-aware , live a self-examined life .

And when you see your mental state shifting in a way that lasts longer than usual , that is deeper than usual , darker than usual , maybe more manic than usual , these are the times where it's beneficial to at least have someone to talk to , a professional who can evaluate you .

My therapist asked me a lot of questions about how's my sleep , how's my eating , how's these other qualities of my life , and was really helping me to put some things in perspective but also make a recommendation about talking to my primary . When I talked to my primary , she had a set of questions for me as well .

I knew to go see them because I was recognizing a shift in my mental state that was unusual for me , that was lasting longer than usual for me , and because I went and saw them . I'm getting help and that means I know I'm going to be better . I'm probably not going to be better today . Today's been a really tough day for me .

You know it's smoke out in Las Vegas , so anytime I open up social media , there's the FOMO . There's someone very important to me who's there having a fantastic time . I'm so happy for him and yet I also want him to be with me and I want to be at Smokeout with him and I want to be at Smokeout and not have him there . This is a hard day .

Saturday April 6th is a hard day . There's a lot of FOMO on top of the usual being single , feeling the singles kind of thing . And today I've really struggled to text people , to connect with people , to do much of anything . I don't even know how I managed to record a whole interlude . That's a miracle . That's a beautiful miracle .

The key difference is I know this will change , and it's not because I've been . It's going to change because I've taken action . It's going to change because I got help , because I talked to my therapist , because I talked to my doctor , because my meds have been upped . This will change , not immediately , but there's suddenly that long hallway .

I can see more light . It's not the doorway I'm going to walk through . I don't know where the F , that doorway is , but I see more light in the hallway that allows me to keep trudging . I'm a big believer in trudging and trudging is just . I'm going to get up . I'm going to push my way through this day . I'm going to practice good self-care .

I'm going to get up . I'm going to push my way through this day . I'm going to practice good self-care . I'm going to take care of myself .

There are going to be some days where pushing through the day means staying in bed a little extra longer , but I am going to move through this day with the understanding that a better day is coming , and a better day is coming because I got help . So let me summarize some takeaways for you .

It is totally okay to talk about mental health with an understanding that it is part of your health record . It's part of your private health information and therefore you also get to make decisions about who you talk to about your health .

You can share it with the whole world , as I am doing now , or you can keep that information fairly private , perhaps with family members , some trusted advisors or health professionals . So that's the first thing we normalize talking about mental health . As part of that . Number two , we normalize asking for help .

That , if you have noticed a change in your mental state that seems to be lasting longer than your usual ups and downs . Do not feel afraid , ashamed , intimidated to ask for help . Number three I'm going to do my best to separate out my large-ish social media presence from my personal dating life , because combining those things is complicated for everyone .

That being said , there are times when I choose to share some of the struggles I'm going through because I believe my experience can benefit others and finally , I'm able to hold on . I have hope today that my mood will change , not because I think depression is just going to turn itself off , but because I have gotten help .

So those are the takeaways from my weirdly confessional . I feel weird about this interlude because it's a little more sharing my private information than usual , oh my God .

Side note so , yeah , I am going on dates , right , and I'm talking to people in a romantic capacity and more than once I'm talking to people and they know stuff about me and I'm like how the hell do you know that ?

And then I remember that I share a lot about my life in this podcast and if someone has listened to all the podcasts , all these little opening segments in every episode and all the interludes . They are going to know a lot about me . That was funny . I forgot how I got there .

Anyway , I'm going to separate out my dating life from my social media life and you make your own choices about that . But if you are not feeling comfortable in your mental state , please do think about talking to someone and getting some help . I made that choice . I'm happy I made that choice . It gives me hope .

It allows me to make it through this fairly blah Saturday April 6th to what I know will be at least a slightly brighter Sunday April 7th . So with that , I wish you all an incredible mental health journey .