If you can’t live without someone, and are knee-deep in soulmate territory where you need them to “complete” you, you are very likely stuck in attachment. You have a picture in your head of what you want your life to be and how you want to feel, so you’re trying to fit them into it, regardless of how things really are. So you push and pull, trying to mold them into what you want. Perhaps you cherry pick the good moments to convince yourself they’re the one. But where are their feelings in all of...
Apr 05, 2022•25 min
Allana grew up with a co-dependent mom and drunk dad, leading her to become a people-pleasing “yes” person who was completely disconnected from herself. Always spinning, never still, Allana jumped into her first marriage with a Wall Street guy who encouraged her to go to an ivy league college. Accomplishments made Allana feel safe, which was always her motivation, so she went to Columbia. Inside she was lost, but she worked hard to make sure no one found out how messed up she was. After divorcin...
Mar 30, 2022•44 min
I get a lot of questions about avoidants. People want to know if avoidant and anxious attachment styles can be happy together, and if there is any hope for their avoidant partner. Well, it depends on the amount of emotional work an avoidant is willing to do because this stuff runs deep. As children, avoidants learned to protect themselves from being hurt, which they carry into adulthood. Most avoidants are smart, successful people with a serious case of imposter syndrome. They fear being exposed...
Mar 29, 2022•30 min
Do you choose love, or are you waiting to be chosen? Maybe you believe love has forgotten about you, or it’s reserved for other, more “deserving” people. Instead of opening yourself up to it, you ruminate on what you don’t have, believing you’re being punished by some mysterious force. That, my friends, is playing the love victim. Love is actually a choice, but to get there, you have to see how your actions are working against you to create what you don’t want. Shame around being single, negativ...
Mar 22, 2022•29 min
Gina DeVee is a published author, speaker, podcast host, business coach and self-made multimillionaire who built the women’s empowerment and lifestyle brand, Divine Living. But she started out as a broke, struggling, co-dependent psychotherapist who made $2,000 month working 75 hours/week and living with her parents. Gina grew up in the Detroit suburbs where money was scarce, so everything was “expensive.” If you wanted more money, you had to work harder. So that’s what she did… until she burned...
Mar 16, 2022•47 min
Did you grow up with a narcissistic mom? Her behavior may have been unpredictable, and you never knew what was going to set her off. She might have been manipulative, always looking for your validation and sympathy. Whether she was a malignant narcissist or a covert narcissist, her actions shaped your current behavior and your relationship insecurity. Her criticism and inconsistency made you afraid of emotional intimacy. In many ways, she created your first codependent relationship. The good new...
Mar 15, 2022•31 min
While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide. Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood,...
Mar 08, 2022•50 min
“I attract avoidants” has almost become a mantra for anxious pursuers who are convinced they are only attracted to people who shun them. They believe relationships require a lot of effort, thus feeling a deeper connection to partners who reject them. If it comes easy, something must be wrong. This anxious pursuer is always focused on their partner, pushing, pulling and waiting for that “wake-up” moment that never comes. Let’s say you start dating someone who checks a lot of your boxes, but they ...
Mar 01, 2022•34 min
Complainers are addicted to feeling bad. Those who constantly compare themselves to others, believing everyone else is better off, are addicted to feeling bad. People who host weekly pity parties about everything that sucks in their lives are addicted to feeling bad. So why would you choose this over feeling good? Because it’s easier. It allows you to avoid your fears, blame the universe for your problems and not do anything differently. Choosing to feel bad let’s you off the hook so you don’t h...
Feb 22, 2022•31 min
Do you say to yourself (or others) that you are the prize, and your partner is lucky to have you? And do you actually believe it, or is it just false bravado? Maybe you overcompensate for your true feelings that you don’t measure up by working hard to “be the prize.” Or you go the other direction and withdraw because deep down you not only believe you’re NOT the prize… you feel completely worthless. Whichever road you take, you’re causing drama and sabotaging your relationships. In this week’s p...
Feb 15, 2022•23 min
Sarah Merrill is the woman behind “Big Kid Problems,” a wildly popular Twitter, Instagram, blog and podcast about the daily struggles growing up and navigating the adult world. But, like many of us, this was not where Sarah expected to end up. The only thing she knew she wanted to do after graduating from college was leave Florida, which never felt like it fit. So off to New York she went, living on her friend’s couch, eating Cup O Noodles and dating so she could take a break from ramen! It was ...
Feb 09, 2022•36 min
Many of us associate pain with love. We may not consciously think so, but it’s beneath the surface of our desire for love and all its glory in our lives. We don't realize we actually bring pain into our relationships (because it’s what we've known). We don’t see it as a choice, but self-awareness can set you free. If you're an avoidant like me, it can keep you detached from relationships, in search of something that does not exist in the form of the perfect feeling (like you’ve imagined for year...
Feb 08, 2022•19 min
Are you holding yourself back from receiving the love you want and being your badass self? Or does your need for control and “giving to get” keep you stuck in the same paradigm? Let’s be clear: a badass is not someone who struts around, pretending they don’t need anyone. That’s a victim wearing a suit of emotional armor. A badass when it comes to love is open-hearted, trusting, courageous and vulnerable. A badass takes care of their own emotional wellbeing, and when they’re in a situation where ...
Feb 01, 2022•22 min
Do you know what impostor syndrome is? Perhaps you’re familiar with it in your professional life, it means the fear of being found out for being fake or phony. The you which you present isn’t really who you are or you feel others will not think it is who you are. For me, I always waited for people to find out I was a bad person, even though nothing about me is…it’s what I dreaded, personally and professionally. So, for those of you who have that feeling, guess what? It’s related to insecure atta...
Jan 25, 2022•34 min
Are you stuck in an anxious-avoidant loop? No matter how much you “think” you want a relationship, you find excuses not to date or in a relationship, you look for problems with your partner. Oh wait! There’s more. You may find yourself dating, which you do trepidatiously, and voila there’s chemistry. You feel the pangs of anxiety and know you’ll be hooked by dinnertime. Whether you are the pursuer or the runner, each position for the anxious avoidant is all about emotional distance, even if on t...
Jan 18, 2022•41 min
Karen Fagan struggled with insecurity, as many young women do, so when she was 13 years old she looked for a book on self-confidence. That led to 10 full years of reading about the subject… which unfortunately didn’t work. She hadn’t cracked the confidence code. Then life presented her with two pivotal moments where she was confronted with a question: Who did she want to be? Karen’s answer was simple. She wanted to be a confident, empowered woman, so she committed to it and started acting from t...
Jan 12, 2022•28 min
Some of us people please to be liked or because we feel obligated. The problem with placing ourselves in this position is that it's not genuine giving, and it makes us feel disconnected from ourselves. We are trying to control instead of being who we are. We believe we can control how others perceive us, and create an image that we feel is acceptable, but doing so places ourselves in a prison of limitation by not being true to ourselves. Not only is people-pleasing a form of lying, it doesn't ac...
Jan 11, 2022•1 hr
Settling, and the fear of missing out, is a reflection of not feeling good enough as you are right now. When you search for perfection—or even just better than you have—you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. Many people who are attached struggle with this “not good enough” belief, driving them to sabotage their relationships and create obstacles to happiness. If you second guess your relationship whenever your partner tries to get close to you, listen in. In this week’s podcast I’ll sh...
Jan 04, 2022•26 min
You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a sense of internal isolation which serves as protection. Instead of opening up and sharing your feelings, you retreat because it feels safer. This not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. True connection requires vulnerability, which is uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do. You probably feel something is wrong with you, so you put a lot of energy into pretending you’re ok. You wear your “party face,” but fe...
Dec 28, 2021•22 min
There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can ...
Dec 21, 2021•45 min
Mike Zeller is a serial entrepreneur. But when three of his businesses EACH lost more than $100,000 in a single year, he knew he needed to recalibrate and refocus. “Your setbacks are your setups to prepare you for your comeback.” –Mike Zeller Growing up, Mike learned the value of hard work from his immigrant father, so ambition always propelled him forward. Partway through college he became a Christian, which led him to pursue a Master’s in Christian Leadership. His first entrepreneurial pursuit...
Dec 15, 2021•28 min
Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but. This self...
Dec 14, 2021•44 min
Self-responsibility and self-care are critical to increasing your value. What is self-responsibility? Being responsible for ALL of your words, actions, choices and reactions. People often want to blame outside events and other people, but that makes you a victim. To be valued is to be fulfilled… to be your own best friend. If you take responsibility for yourself, you have power and authority in your life, which means you have value. Other people cannot give you lasting value, only you can by tre...
Dec 07, 2021•18 min
You blame the Universe/God/whatever for what goes wrong in your life, believing you are constantly being punished for not doing things perfectly. Other people are rewarded with what they want, while some force seems to work against you. You hold out hope that one day the Universe will come through for you while simultaneously expecting disappointment. Where the hell did this belief come from? If you’re like me, it may have come from a parent or caregiver who you relied on for love and attention…...
Nov 30, 2021•21 min
Some people think the best place to solve relationship issues is in bed. It feels intimate—a way to connect—but afterwards, are you really any closer? And do you ever find yourself picking fights with the goal of getting to make-up sex because it temporarily relieves your fear of abandonment? When sex is used as a way to manipulate others into sticking around, it’s not a path to emotional intimacy; it’s an obstacle. It’s a way to get lost in intensity so you can avoid your real feelings. Sex can...
Nov 23, 2021•22 min
People always want to know if they should leave their job or their relationship or whatever situation they are unhappy with. Shouldn’t they cut their losses? Isn’t it better to chase the next bright shiny object? The problem is, when people DO make that change, they tend to repeat the same pattern in their next job or next relationship, and they become increasingly frustrated that nothing ever changes. So what’s the solution? Stay longer than is comfortable. Your inability to stick with situatio...
Nov 16, 2021•34 min
Growing up, Kirsten struggled with disordered eating and body image. Although she didn't see the connection at the time, she later realized how much her family environment impacted her relationship with food. Her mom was a chronic dieter who talked negatively about her own body, and most of her extended family was diet-focused, so Kirsten picked up on those cues. In college she studied nutrition because food was such a focal point in her life, and she thought if she could just crack the code on ...
Nov 10, 2021•30 min
Some people equate numbness with happiness. As long as nothing is poking at you screaming for your attention, you think all is right with the world, and you work hard to maintain this state. But when something triggers you, you can’t handle being out of control, so you scramble to get back to that safe space you THINK is happiness. Nope, it’s numbness, and it’s not where you want to live. Many people say they aren't control freaks, but their internal feelings tell a different story. If you feel ...
Nov 09, 2021•29 min
Attachment and care are two different things, and mistaking one for the other can lead to chronic disappointment. When you have expectations about what someone should do, or how they should treat you to show you they care, your happiness is dependent on a fantasy. Are you afraid that if you don’t get what you want, your world will end? Focusing on what your partner does wrong and/or hoping you’ll feel better when they finally “get their act together” is not living in reality. And it’s not really...
Nov 02, 2021•19 min
For many people who are stuck, pain is what drives them to seek change. It could be a toxic relationship or yet another holiday spent alone. Maybe it’s wanting to finally escape not feeling good enough. But when anger and frustration are your only motivators, change isn’t very effective… and it doesn’t last. Especially if you’re changing yourself just to get someone else to change. Instead, you need to know why you’re not where you want to be, and have a deep desire to grow your self value. When...
Oct 26, 2021•36 min
