Oprah Gains Weight Eating Her Own Ratings
Oprah Winfrey, the daytime queen of talk and weight loss minus the weight loss, has gained the weight back again.
Feb 20, 2009•1 min
Free-Ass. Press Podcast
A daily news satire wire that believes that newspapers are for dog sh*t and bird cages. www.freeasspress.com
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Episodes
TV Goes Digital; Playboy Channel Still Fuzzy
14-year-old boys all over America are outraged that the Playboy channel still comes in fuzzy.
Feb 18, 2009•1 min
Optimists File For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
Optimist International, commonly known as the Optimists, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
Feb 16, 2009•1 min
State-of-the-Art Presidential Limo Boasts a Top Speed of 3
GM unveiled its largest, heaviest, most-polluting, least fuel-efficient vehicle ever to hit American roadways.
Feb 13, 2009•1 min
Condi Rice Publishes Memoir:
Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced the publication of her new tell-all memoir, "I'm Black Too, Ya Know!"
Feb 11, 2009•1 min
Afghanistan Cancels "Take Your Child To Work" Day
"Take Your Child To Work Day" has been canceled in Afghanistan due to weather. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Feb 09, 2009•1 min
Obama Cancels Black History Month
In yet another sign of the continuing economic crisis, President Barack Obama has canceled Black History Month for lack of funds. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Feb 06, 2009•48 sec
VP Biden's Schedule Packed With Meaningless Busy Work
VP Biden's schedule is so packed with meaningless busywork that he is having trouble keeping up. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Feb 04, 2009•1 min
Jimmy John’s Now Charging For Free Smells
In another sign of the deepening economic recession Jimmy John's, the beloved sub sandwich shop that used to offer "Free Smells," will start charging $1 for them effective immediately. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Feb 02, 2009•57 sec
Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices
With fuel prices in the U.S. now averaging four dollars per gallon, no one has been harder hit than NASA astronauts. To lessen that impact, NASA has announced that it will now allow its non-essential astronauts to telecommute. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 30, 2009•58 sec
Study: 70% of American Dental Association Employees Have F***ed Up Teeth
According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth." For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 29, 2009•1 min
$3 Billion in Folger’s Stock Secretly Replaced With Smucker’s Stock
The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 28, 2009•1 min
Big Bird Arrested for DUI
Big Bird, the well-known actor and bird, was arrested for driving under the influence this morning at the corner of Sesame Street and Steampipe Alley, just blocks from The Electric Company. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 27, 2009•1 min
US Treasury To Offer Federal Reserve Rewards Mastercard
The federal government has begun mass-mailing preapproved offers for its new Federal Reserve Rewards MasterCard. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 26, 2009•53 sec
INDY 500 Drivers Upset; Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race
The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 23, 2009•56 sec
Dollar Store Requests $1 Bailout
Dollar Stores, International asked Congress today for 1/700,000,000,000th of the federal bailout funds. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 22, 2009•1 min
Homeland Security Deports Rock Band "Foreigner"
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security begins formal deportation proceedings against the 1970s rock band Foreigner. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 21, 2009•1 min
God Blames Pat Robertson for String of Violent Storms
After the upper Midwest and Plains states received a lashing of violent storms, God blames Pat Robertson. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 20, 2009•59 sec
Six Flags to Open "F***ing Awesome America" Theme Park in Middle East
Theme Park Conglomerate Six Flags, is set to open the Middle East's first theme park titled "Six Flags F***ing Awesome American Invading Dubai." For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 19, 2009•1 min
US Makes Final Offer For Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes
In a renewed effort to get stalled talks moving forward again with Iran, the United States is offering Iran its best and final plan: 700 anytime minutes. For these stories and more, go to www.freeasspress.com.
Jan 16, 2009•1 min
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