Single, Married, or Dating: Navigating Relationships Post-Weight Loss

Music.

Welcome to the Former Fat Friend Podcast. I'm Kasey. I'm Lisa. I'm Allie. And together, we've lost over 370 pounds. We all know what it's like to be the fat friend, and now we are sharing the ins and outs of our weight loss journeys. Hey, guys. Happy Podcast Day. Hi. Happy Podcast Day. I am very excited for this week. Yeah. I think we are talking about something. Well, I'm excited to talk about it. I'm nervous. It's the juiciest. Yeah, I'm nervous, actually.

Definitely the juiciest. Oh, see, I think that's why I like it so much. Because it's like, you know, living on the edge. I like to keep you on your toes. Yeah. Should we should we tell them? Should we tell them what it is? Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? Oh, I mean, yeah, eventually we're gonna have to we might as well just rip the bandaid off.

Uh, we're gonna talk about dating and relationships post weight loss surgery. Yeah. How are we feeling? It's a big one. I'm excited. I'm excited because I think the three of us all have very distinct experiences and are at different places in our love lives or lack thereof. So yeah, I'm excited for this one. Yeah. So maybe we can all give like kind of what's our current status of relationships and dating. Lisa, do you want to go first?

Yes. I would love to let everyone know that I am still single. Still single. And looking to be matched. Single and looking. All right, Allie, what about you? am married. I've been married six or seven years. Neither one of us knows. So pretty boring stuff over here. Yeah. Married. You've got two little girls. Yeah. Yeah. Case? I am in a relationship. We just had our one year anniversary. So yeah, I've been dating a wonderful man for the last year.

You guys have both been active daters post weight loss surgery.

Do you want to talk about like what was dating like before weight loss surgery like while you were going through the process of trying to figure all this out yeah i have definitely been mostly single for the majority of my adult life i've been online dating for as long as i can remember like going back to plenty of fish or poff as we like to call i thought that was like is that a christian uh dating site or is that not no it's not like there's plenty of fish in the sea apparently,

It's one of the original. Okay. I was thinking like you had enough fish to feed the masses. Sure. I do see the religious undertones there. Yeah. Yeah. I got you. That wasn't the function for me. No, but that was like pre-dating apps. That was dating websites. That was pre-Tinder. Yeah. Yeah. Always did the dating apps, which was tough for me because I carry most of my weight in my lower half and I have a smaller face and smaller upper body.

So I was always worried about unintentionally catfishing someone. I always like held my breath. I was very scared for that first date because I was worried that they were going to see me and feel catfished. I attached my size very much to my like worthiness in a man's eyes like I'm not.

Gonna be worth his he's gonna see me and be like oh no not not that big girl yeah and Casey you have said before that it also was not feeling great for you and you had kind of stopped dating right yeah so I have also had been single basically my entire adult life like post-college um I tried dating a lot and I think online dating for me was hard because one I'm an introvert so So dating in general is just exhausting for me.

And then you throw in the layer of like being obese and having to like deal with that, like the self-confidence issues that come with that. And like, you know, all the worry of like, does this person know what I actually look like? And, you know, are they into it? And is it like a weird like fetish thing is also another like aspect of it. Like, are they like, oh, I really like big girls or are they like,

I just like this girl because she's just okay. I was like actively seeking out men that liked big girls. Oh my God. No, it was the biggest turnoff. No, I was like, ew, no, you only want me because I'm big? Absolutely not. Oh, really? Because I was like, yes, you should want me. Yeah, that's the energy I'm looking for. That means I had enough money to eat last week, you know?

Yeah, anyway, so dating was tough for me. So I would go through phases where I like, I really, I wanted to find someone. I wanted to find a partner and I wanted that, but it was just difficult for me. So I would go through these phases of where I'd be like, yeah, I'm really going to do it. like I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to get back on the apps and go on first dates and try to meet people. And then I would just be completely burnt out and I wouldn't touch it for months on end.

Um, and just never really successfully met anyone. We talk a lot about apps. Did you guys do any like searching outside of apps? Like do you, did you actively try to go out or. I was really involved in sports and I like. Thought that I might meet someone that way. And I just never did. I do remember I really liked this guy that was on my volleyball team. And we were friends. And I think I like, struggled with a lot of like self esteem and self confidence.

And so never like really tried to pursue anything outside of a friendship. And then a new girl joined our volleyball team. And he like immediately started dating her. And she was this tiny, cute little girl.

And it was like, just like a gut punch of like yeah you know confirmation that like oh it's because i'm fat that's why he didn't like me and real realistically that's probably not true it was probably like a lot of other things but like that's what i attributed that to yeah i felt similarly i mean i remember you want to talk about like being the fat friend that's kind of always i wasn't the one that you dated it was like uh you dated my best friend you didn't date you didn't date me i remember

i had the biggest crush on this guy and he just wanted my he just wanted my best friend yeah oh yeah it sucks yeah and he yeah it was like yeah and I think it's hard when you are chronically single for so long and you look at everybody else around you successfully finding partners and getting married and having kids it's really hard not to attribute that to your weight like we did with everything yeah yeah the reason I asked about going out is because

I feel like I I'm not I wasn't like searching for a partner obviously after weight loss surgery but I do.

Find myself wanting to be out in public more wanting to like engage in conversation not for the purpose of like finding my person but just because I feel a lot more comfortable in myself and like I would have not ever been into like going and sitting at happy hour as frequently as I would like to now because I just feel more comfortable and like better about being out in social situations is that interesting I don't know that it changed for me I mean the way that

I feel about myself has changed but I've always been social I didn't feel I don't think I felt like I needed to hide myself away from the world in like platonic settings but I just felt like I was not worthy of a romantic relationship or that nobody would find that nobody would find me attractive I think I generally felt very invisible before. I can distinctly remember a guy friend, and I had a pretty large group of friends, mixed gender, and there was this one guy.

He would get a little bit intoxicated and flirt with most girls in our friend group. When I was obese, he never did. I never got that kind of attention. And the first time that I was in a setting with him after I'd lost maybe 40 pounds, he started doing that with me and it was like I had gone from being invisible to not invisible and it was kind of heartbreaking yeah like reinforces all your worst fears yeah. Yeah, that's horrible. You know what that made me think just now, Casey?

That you knew that about him and you still were like, Lisa, maybe you should date this guy. Listen, that is a compliment. She was like, you're tiny. He will love you now. Ew. He's like one of two single guys that I know. She's like, listen, I'm doing the Lord's work out here. Don't come at me. Casey does. She tries so hard. She really tries to set me up. Okay. So allow me to get us back on track here. Please.

How did your weight affect your relationship before? I mean, you had been married obviously for several years before you had weight loss surgery. How did that come into play in terms of your relationship? I think the biggest way my weight impacted my relationship pre-surgery was that I didn't love my body and that frustrated the hell out of my husband. It really hurt him that I didn't love myself as much as he thought I should.

And like frustrated him, I think he didn't get it. I remember I got mad at him for finding me attractive. At one point, I had a before photo that I took one of the many actually I posted it the other day I was in a bikini. And I was looking at it one night in our room and I was in bed he was standing up I remember so vividly and I was like, you are so gross to me right now.

I showed him the picture and I was like I got to show you this and I'm like really grossed out by it and I just think that you're awful for it and he's like what are you talking I'm like why didn't you tell me that I look like this and he's like what are you talking about and I was like it's like kind of gross to me that you find this person attractive like I don't know how you could that was like the level of self-hate which is not great but um yeah that's tough that was one thing yeah Corey

used to always say to me I would ask him like what would you change about me and he was like the one thing I would change about you is that like I wish you saw yourself the way I see you like I wish that you loved yourself the way that you should Corey for future reference the correct answer is you are perfect just the way you are I would change nothing you know that I love a coach so that's not happening for me no but I Ali I think that's really powerful because I think

and Lisa you might have felt like this too but I often thought like I attributed so much of my singleness to my weight and I thought like oh it would be so nice to have a partner and you know be in a relationship and be be married. And I think what you're saying is what it says to me is like those issues around your body and your weight.

That exists no matter what kind of relationship status you're in, you know, whether you're single, dating, married, like, those things come up regardless of your circumstances. Okay, so let's get to the fun, the fun part. Okay.

All right. How have things improved, gotten harder since weight loss surgery? Should we start with, like, newly post-op dating? Yeah. So I was excited to start dating. I think I was around three months post-op and I had lost the most weight I've ever lost in my life at that time. I was feeling like I looked amazing and I could not wait to like put myself back out there.

And so I, yeah, I got back on the apps at about three months post-op and the first couple of first dates were terrifying because first dates are, they always revolve around food and alcohol and I wasn't drinking and I could barely eat any food at that time. So it was really stressful trying to like navigate like this, this feeling of being like, I feel so good. And I feel so good about how I look. And I want to go meet people. And I want to get out and I want to do these things.

But also like, how the heck do I actually do that logistically? Would you tell people that you I didn't, I didn't tell anybody. But I also didn't tell anyone that. I didn't tell you. Yeah, you're a secret keeper. What about you, Lisa? I really struggled with it and it varied person to person. I think I dated in that first year post-op, I dated way more than I ever did. Like I went on more dates with different people.

I felt much more confident to just put myself out there and just like, yeah, let's just see. Whereas prior to weight loss surgery, I would talk to someone for weeks and weeks and weeks before I would build up the courage. And then now and after surgery, I'm like, no, let's meet.

And maybe that's partly experience as well like okay let's just see me did i tell you about this there's like there's like reason behind that too i learned this on a podcast i think i've talked to you about this that like when you have weeks and weeks of talking to someone you like build up all this credit for them in your head and you like you give them you make excuses then if they're not the right person or sometimes i think yeah sometimes i like there would

be a connection would be built and then we meet in person and there's nothing there in person and i'm like oh oh, what a waste of time, like that you're not at all. But I really struggled with when to tell and when not to tell. And I remember at first I would go back and forth because half of my brain was like, you don't know me. You're not part of my life. I don't owe you any explanation at all. You don't need access to this part of me.

And the other part of me was like, oh, be transparent and own it.

I remember talking about it in therapy and my therapist was like, you know, when you're transparent you hold the control you control the conversation when you're up front and open about it instead of feeling like you have something to hide so I I went back and forth I mean I I probably went through a string of guys that I would make it like three or four dates and then nothing would happen after surgery and I remember one of the first dates I went on after surgery.

He had asked me to go to dinner and eating out was really hard. And dating is really hard because all people want to do is let's grab a drink, let's get food. And I'm like, I can't, I can't drink alcohol at all. I'm still working on that. That's all I want to do today, right now. That's literally, that's our culture and society. That's what we do for fun. And I was, I remember being so frustrated, like, God, can we do something else? But he had suggested food and he said where we were going.

And so I made sure to look it up ahead of time and know what I was going to get and know what my options would be and plan for it. And then we got there and he hadn't made a reservation. Red flag number one. Just leave. And there was like an hour wait. And he was like, let's just go to this bar on the corner that I know we can go there instead. And I was like, crap. I need to eat. I thought we were eating dinner. Yeah. And then it was like, Yeah, you can't call an audible right now.

No, no. And he got like nachos and a beer. And I was like literally there trying to like eat the chicken off the nachos and figure out. And I remember another guy. So in that situation, did you tell him? I didn't. I hid it. And I think that's when I ended up bringing it up in therapy. Like this was really challenging for me and I don't know what to do. So the next guy, I did tell. I was up front on the first date.

He had no idea what bariatric surgery was, which was almost worse. I was like, what rock? I'd be like, I almost. Was it the word he hadn't heard? like if you said weight loss surgery i said so many things and he just didn't know i was like bypass gastric weight loss like i was like it is incredible to me to listen to these stories and know that you guys both in the stories that you've told sat through the rest of these days.

Because i would be like oh you know what that's so weird my mom's calling me let me go to the bathroom and then never returned i would not be able to sit through the little thing he bought me lobster so i wanted the lobster but um what was the one didn't you have one that like you said well i shouldn't have you said this is what i'm getting okay yeah yeah god sorry mom um he yeah i told him and he just didn't get it and i was like i had 80 on my stomach removed

and he was like okay good for you and i we made it like three or four dates and i remember on our third date uh we went out and i got a kid's meal because i had finally i was embracing i was like you know what a kid's meal is what works best for me what like you're welcome i'm a cheap date like Like, my dinner's not going to cost you very much. And I remember he kept trying to get me to eat some of his dinner. And I couldn't finish my kid's meal.

And I remember he just kept pushing his food and pushing his food. And I said, hey, do you remember I told you about that surgery I had?

It it means I can't eat as much and I promise you I'm getting everything that I need right now, and at the end we were leaving and I said thank you for dinner and he was like I don't know why you're thanking me you didn't even eat like he was really mad about it and I was like okay well this is like never mind bye like you're obviously not getting it yeah I'm like so it just it was yeah it was it was very very challenging and so I very much went back and forth worth.

Some people I told, like, I lost a lot of weight, but I didn't, like I said, I'm on a weight loss journey, but I didn't say surgery specifically. I don't know that I have an opinion one way or the other. Like, I don't know that I would have done anything differently or knowing what I, maybe I would have owned it more in hindsight. But I think I was just like navigating it, you know, like we're just trying to figure out.

And I was literally there. And then at one point and I was drinking very sparingly. And it was like, okay, well, the drink is going to come, but then the food is going to come and I'm not done my drink yet. And I want to eat the food while it's hot, but then I'm going to waste my drink. He's going to ask me why I'm not drinking it. And I remember actually that same night of the guy that was mad I didn't eat enough.

I had gotten a drink and the food came and I was so hungry and I could feel the alcohol. I was like, I'm going to be wasted from three sips of alcohol. I have to eat food right now.

And then I tried to finish my drink and I had to run to the bathroom and I got sick because I literally couldn't well he deserved it I don't know it sounds like I'm the one that got yeah it is it's tough to navigate I think you're that guy commenting on like you not eating your dinner is weird um I think my experience was much more like people aren't paying as much attention as you think they are because I was so paranoid about someone was gonna ask me like oh oh, do I not like my dinner?

Or like, why am I not eating more? Why am I not drinking? And it never happened. And I really genuinely think people just don't notice as much as you. Interesting. Or like they're just as nervous as you are. Yeah, they're just, yeah, they're focused on, you know, themselves, probably. Well, I mean, if we're talking about sharing it with people, like, isn't that, did you, did you share it with anybody else? No, right? No. So I really didn't make it past, like, I think, date two for most people.

The guy that I dated before Bill, it was like the summer before I met Bill, we went on maybe six dates and I did not tell him. But fun story about this guy, I learned that after our sixth date, I learned that he actually, in fact, had a long-term girlfriend. And I found out from a Facebook group called Are We Dating the Same Guy. Love that group. Yep, yep, yep. I mean, it's broken my heart, but i'm glad it's there wait did you also have an experience with it yeah were we not friends yet.

It was absolutely horrible. I got like love bombed. And then he disappeared on me. And I told my friend and I sent a picture of him. And she was like, Oh, my God, I wish you had sent me his photo before you were dating him because he is all over this website. Oh, wow. And she went through and found post after post. And he did this to girls all the time. And I've never felt more like a crummy in my whole life. I didn't know that this existed.

And yeah, I think you told us that story but no I don't know that I didn't know yeah it was crazy so yeah this was an interesting one because I I didn't really truly did not have any bad dates which is sad because I don't have any funny stories about them but I just had a lot of like you know really nice guys just not there wasn't really like a spark there right so then when I met this guy it was over the summer um he was the first guy that I was like oh I actually like this guy I

was very excited about it, But after a couple of dates, I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but something was off. I just knew something was off and I didn't know what it was and went through this in my head and kind of chalked it up to like, maybe he just doesn't like me that much. But he was so hot and cold and like, I don't know, it's just something was just off. So I decided to post him in this Facebook group because I was like, did you know the group existed?

I'm so- Oh, yeah. I had heard about it on, I don't know, the news or something. And I joined it. When I posted his picture, I genuinely thought, like, I bet I'm going to get some girls being like, oh, my God, this is my friend. He's such a nice guy. Stop being crazy. yeah by all accounts like he seemed like a really nice guy i just had this like little like.

Intuition that like something was off but i never in a million years thought it was that he had a long-term girlfriend like that thought didn't cross my mind at all so when i heard that and saw that i was like holy moly trust your gut ladies trust your gut but so then that's gone on what are you doing good one thank you uh yeah so then after that that was um right around the time that I had started like I knew I was gonna be pursuing plastic surgery I had like gone on my consults

and had booked my surgery and I was like really focused on getting in like the best shape that I could get in and so I was just like you know what forget dating like I'm not I'm not doing this right now like I have other things to focus on and so I didn't date at all um after that, until I met my now boyfriend and we met in real life, not on dating apps. We were on the same volleyball team. And look at the smile oh my god both of you both of you are smiling like dweebs get it together.

We were friends already when you and bill started talking yeah we met um i i was supposed to have plastic surgery in february got covid for the first time in three years thank god thank god because um two things happened because my plastic surgery got postponed by six weeks one was that we hosted this brunch, this DMV Bariatric Meetup Brunch, where I met Allie and Lisa. And the second was that Bill invited me to a poker night at his house.

And it was the first time that he had invited me to anything outside of our volleyball team. And so I was like, obviously, I'm going to go, but I wouldn't have been able to go had things gone according to schedule. And that was really kind of like where I think things started.

And then you did have plastic. So what was that like, newly dating someone and having plastic surgery? Because did he know at the time that... well did you date no we didn't so yeah so the poker night at his house happened and.

I already kind of like had a little crush on him but I didn't know him really out like we just you know we would go to volleyball and like go home so like that was the the extent of how much I knew him but I like kind of had a little crush on him and so when he invited me I wanted to go and then that night at his house I was like oh he's so sweet and he was so attentive and I was freezing cold and he like made me hot tea which I thought was the sweetest thing ever um so i

then i like really did like him after that but i also then disappeared for eight weeks because i had plastic surgery i didn't see him or talk to him when i was recovering and then the next volleyball season started like exactly eight weeks after my surgery so we didn't really start dating until i was probably three months post plastic surgery you didn't date anyone else no okay no no but yeah so dating dating after having plastic surgery through a whole new wrinkle into things um so

so i shared with him the within a couple of weeks of dating that i had lost a lot of weight um and i had like said like hey like i i lost a lot of weight and i had plastic surgery to remove some loose skins like that's why i have these giant scars was that before or after he saw them or before or after you were can i i don't know how to ask this without offending your mom, but like, was it before or after he saw you naked? Like, did you say like warning, trigger warning? It was...

After the first time okay and then i was like he didn't say anything right because he's just happy to be there yeah so then the next time i was like i feel like i need to like explain like and i remember i remember that and i remember him not saying anything did he acknowledge when you told him that my remembrance of it was that like he had no idea like he didn't even notice you had these eight week old scars i think he said he kind of noticed okay but he

i don't know know that it like really registered at the time you're probably thinking about something else how did it but how did it impact you though in terms of like just i don't know being with someone new and knowing that you had these like massive changes to your body that nobody else had seen before i think i was partly more confident in how my body looked but also very self-conscious just about the scars.

Yeah. And more so, like, not what they looked like, but, like, knowing that I would have to explain why they were there. I think that was a little bit more scary for me. So, yeah. So, I told him I had lost weight. He asked, like, you know, what made me want to do it. And I kind of, like, explained my reasoning. But he never asked how I lost weight. So, I didn't tell him. And so, then I did not tell him for another week. Several weeks that I had bariatric surgery.

And it became, I think you guys probably know, because we went on many walking mornings where I was like, how do I tell him? When do I tell him?

And then finally, I think probably a month into dating, I told him that I had bariatric surgery. What was his reaction? I know this, but what was it for the benefit of everyone? He was really nice about it. He was like, okay. And he goes, yeah, well, that makes sense because sometimes you say you're really hungry and then you don't eat a lot. I wanted to talk a little bit about your hesitation to tell Bill because I think that's something that probably a lot of people struggle with.

And I remember it was really something you were like going back and forth about of like, do I tell him? How do I tell him? Now it's been a while. Is it weird? And yeah, what were the thoughts in your head? Like what were the worry thoughts? What were you worried about? Yeah, that's a good question. I think that I I told him I had lost weight out of necessity because he was going to see the plastic surgery scars. So that was sort of like this had to come out.

The bariatric surgery thing, I think I felt, honestly, I think I felt a little bit embarrassed by it. And it was just something that was harder for me to share. Like, were you worried about what he would think of you as a person? Kind of. Yeah.

That makes sense to me. I think it's the same stigma, yeah, of why I, you know, when people ask me how I lose weight in surgery, is the last thing i say because i'm worried about yeah what they're gonna think of me i'm thinking like even in a non-dating environment yeah right yeah that's what i mean yeah any person off the street i worry about any geek off the street gotta get handy with the steel if you know what i mean um lisa loves my 90s rap references yeah and

then i think as time went on it it felt like oh now i've like waited too long and is he gonna like think that i like hid this from him and i don't know and i i can't remember which one of you said this but um one of you said like it's It's probably better that you tell him before he...

Makes an offhand comment about like something negative about bariatric surgery and I was like oh shoot I didn't even think about that but like yeah what if he does what if he's like oh yeah you know those lazy people that take the easy way out good thing you lost all that weight on your own honey in hindsight it was silly to worry about that stuff but I definitely did worry about it well I think it's legitimate I think it's something that a lot of people worry about and I think it speaks

to the whole concept of like no one else cares as much as we think they do totally yeah i have a surprise now if i may oh boy uh i don't know if you guys know this but in the emails bill sends i noticed his cell phone number was in the signature and so i took it upon myself to ask him some questions about this rookie mistake yeah he didn't know who he was messing with i asked him something because we had kind of talked about uh when we met bill

for the first time me and lisa we had asked him like what'd you think when casey told you that because we knew how big deal it felt like on our side can we also just really quickly the first time we met bill was the night of the just be you uh bariatric awards right yeah because he.

Casey was nominated and he wanted to go and support her and i just feel like that's worth acknowledging because that's the sweetest thing and he did meet us at the door and asked which cocktail we wanted that he was like specialty crafting which is another bonus for him yeah and endured an entire night of the you know four hour long award show and dinner before yeah like yeah he's a good guy yeah okay so so uh so i wanted in his words and not just

me paraphrasing or us me and lisa paraphrasing what we heard that night so i told him that obviously casey has shared her feelings about being nervous to share her weight loss journey and weight loss surgery with you. When she told you about it, what was your initial thought? And has it ever impacted the way you thought about her? And he said his initial thoughts on the weight loss surgery journey were threefold. One, he thought it was amazing that you took those steps to change your life

like that. Two, I'm going to cry. Two, I'm not 100% sure I fully understand exactly what she did, but I will try to continue to learn. Do I need to stop? Are you okay? And three, I can tell that she was uncomfortable.

It was uncomfortable for her to talk about it. and I appreciate that she had the guts slash trust to tell me I'm sure I thought other things but that's just kind of what sticks in my head he said I never really impacted how it it never really impacted how I felt about her if anything I was more impressed slash attracted to her for sharing points one and three above I love that you wrote this um she wanted to change something thing in her

life and actually did it herself I like that so like yes I do think we I think me and Lisa could have told you this all day long and we could tell you Lisa the same thing but this isn't about me right now but at the end of the day like I think we say this a lot but we don't internalize that like we care and we build these up so much more than other people.

Care and build it up yeah casey what's your uh reaction what are your thoughts hearing that i'm not crying you're crying you know what i think there's pollen in here yeah what is that i just sorry i just chopped some money in this room we're being poisoned in here i think i cry every time now um yeah i mean i i'm that's it's so sweet and i'm not surprised because he's an amazing guy and And I think, are you going to start crying again?

I'm already crying. Did you see me read that? I read that like I was illiterate. Yeah, I think he's taught me so much in the past year. And I think I've shared this before, but like he's been a big reason why I've started to be more open about sharing my journey with other people. And I think he's really just helped me kind of see that like this is part of who I am. It will always be a part of my story and that's not something that I need to be ashamed of.

But it's really powerful when you have someone who like loves and cares about you. God, what is wrong with me? No, it does. Okay, we talk about like giving you- Nothing is wrong with feelings. It's okay to feel your feelings. No, there's so much wrong with feelings. I agree. No, there's not. What did you say? I had feelings. I'm sorry. I'll replace it with a joke. That's me.

Yeah. And I am trying so hard to replace it. I think there's so much of what we worry about it with telling people dating or otherwise is.

So case specific and like I think it's admirable that you were worried about it and I think it makes total sense as to why you would want to or not want to share but also I think when you find someone who gives you the the room to like trust yourself and to trust that you you know what's best for you and that you did something that was best for you like it it makes it easier yeah to share that stuff and i don't know yeah i've never once felt an

ounce of judgment from him and i know that like he i have i know i believe that he thinks it's an amazing thing and like hearing it obviously made me cry a little bit but like i already knew that um because he makes me feel that way every single day that like he's he is proud of me and he's supportive of me And yeah, it is nice to have that. That's all very, very wonderful.

Very sweet things that Bill had to say. Do you, and maybe this isn't even possible, but. Are you able to kind of reflect on relationships? Do you notice a difference in yourself and the way that you carry yourself or the way that you allow yourself to be vulnerable in your relationship with Bill compared to pre-surgery Casey? And do you think surgery had anything to do with that? I do think that losing weight has made this relationship different for me and more successful.

And it has nothing to do with what I look like and everything to do with how I feel about myself. I think in the past, it was like a worry that I'm not good enough for someone else. And then it shifted to like, you've got to be good enough for me kind of mentality. And a lot of that came with the confidence from losing weight. It's the way you feel and it's the way that you carry yourself. And I've noticed that in myself too.

And Casey, you have definitely, we've had several conversations where, yeah, I aspire to have the mindset that you have where you're like, my life is full. And if you are not adding value to my life, I do not have time for you. And I try to think about that when I'm approaching relationships because, yeah, I have also spent my whole life wondering if I am good enough for someone else. It's like, well, wait a minute, what do I want? Who's good enough for me?

And I definitely struggle a lot with self-worth and body imaged on that sort of thing. But I do notice a very big difference in the way that I approach dating and carrying myself after weight loss, because I'm not worried about catfishing someone anymore. I know who I am. And if you don't like me, I'm no longer worried that it's because of my size. I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm like, you either like me or

you don't. And if you don't, great, let me know that so I can try again and not waste my time here. But I'm not worried about, are they paying attention to how much I'm eating? Not in a little amount, but like, damn, that girl can really put it away. Or like, or like, I can't think about anything else because I'm trying not to eat that much on this day. And I am so hungry. Yeah. Right. Or like, I need to order a salad because of my size or I need to, there's like the monitoring.

Yeah. And I'm not, and even like, I don't feel the need for all the lights to be off anymore. And I don't like, so I definitely do.

I mean, mean i definitely have i definitely have things i'm self-conscious about i have loose skin that i'm self-conscious about and like um actually i remember i remember showing my mom all of my loose skin on my and my boobs um and her looking at me and saying i said you know when i'm like naked it's just like it's just a saggy mess and my mother was like don't get on top i was waiting for you to tell me that she said like it would look better from down here or like no no no no

i can tell you one thing i feel like when i am on top now there's a lot more movement happening i don't know if it's necessary like we're going up and we're going down and we're going up like there's a lot of this this feels aggressive yeah i yeah we don't need to just my I do. Yeah, I do. Very. That's one of the things that I like, want plastic surgery for is to feel to still feel sexy without a bra on because they don't feel sexy without a bra on, especially in certain settings and preach.

Yeah, so I those are so things but I do. I don't feel the need to like cover myself up to to get up and go to the bathroom or to make sure all the lights are off or to like, I don't know. I worry a lot less in those scenarios. Like you only want to want them to catch you from this angle or whatever. Like, right. I'm like, no, I think I look decent enough. Or like when they spoon you, you can continue to breathe.

Yeah, I don't worry. Yeah, truly. I don't worry about like, don't grab that fat roll, buddy.

Well i told yeah yeah no i i think this all the time like there's a lot of mental freedom that comes with weight loss that you know it's it you see it in your physical appearance but it's that mental space that gets freed up that's really what is so rewarding and like it's almost like you don't even realize how much time and energy being obese takes from you until you don't have have to deal with it anymore and it's like the you don't

have to worry if you know a guy doesn't want to see you after the first date like yeah is it because he didn't think i was attractive that thought never crossed my mind anymore it was like oh well because he's boring yeah yeah and he doesn't yeah or like you know you don't have to worry about that's the hardest thing to explain though too because if you haven't experienced that i don't think you understand the absence yeah how much better you feel uh because my husband i think struggles now with

like the fact that I didn't love myself and I wanted to change something so drastically about myself.

You don't, yeah, if you haven't experienced it, it's very hard to understand the absence of it and how much mental space that does take up. And I like, for me. Things are more enjoyable because I am less in my head. I think I was so in my head in like any kind of intimate situation with a guy that I was never present. I wasn't present. I wasn't having fun because I was so concerned about what I looked like.

Yeah. This is totally unrelated to dating, but I had this really interesting experience on Saturday for our friend Katie's wedding. I did not know what I was going to wear to that wedding until five minutes before we walked out the door. And that would have never happened a hundred pounds ago. I would have been shopping, trying on a billion different dresses, trying on shapewear underneath.

Like I would have known exactly what I was going to wear because I didn't, I couldn't like trust that what I had in my closet was going to work and that I was going to feel good in. And like those little moments are like so incredible. They are.

And they're things you just don't, if you've never experienced it, it's not even on your radar yeah you just have no idea i just started a new job and it was the same thing i was texting you guys pictures like less than 12 hours before my first day like should i wear this but i would have had yeah i would have gone and bought an outfit i would have made sure i would have i used to plan my outfits for the whole week because otherwise it would be a spiral of like wow that i can't what

am i what am i gonna wear it wasn't out of like preparedness it was out of anxiety like you know just like and even with dating like um when i would go to bill's house i didn't worry about like the clothes that i was going to wear there like what what was i gonna sleep in and what was i gonna wear home it was just like i don't know throw a couple things in a bag and it'll be fine that's the one of i think the most freeing things yeah is that yeah being i mean i i still

want to look good and i but the amount of effort in the clothes that i that i put on and and think about what i'm you know wearing out in public and also like.

I'm i care much less about i wear less makeup i do my hair less often i'll never wear less makeup i feel that's actually this new job everyone is so fresh-faced that was one of the things it's a no makeup makeup look they're fooling you yeah but i'm just like oh gosh i'm wearing too much makeup everyone here is just like all natural like okay i gotta tone it down but i don't yeah i I don't feel the need to be so done up anymore because I don't feel like I'm compensating.

I used to be like, oh, at least you have a pretty face. Like I was that girl. Like, oh, you're so pretty for a big girl or you have a pretty face. And I'm like, I don't feel the need to. I had like...

The like copious amounts of makeup I had like giant would rival professional makeup artists kits and now I wear like four products yeah like total yeah I don't I still love it but I loved it before because it was fun for me yeah it's fun for you and that's different it's not for me Corey struggles with that a lot though my husband doesn't like that with the makeup he was like wish if he could like burn all the makeup in our house he would yeah well I want to talk Talk about Corey,

because obviously you were already married and had kids before weight loss surgery. And so the dynamic of that relationship shifting through your weight loss journey, I would imagine is very different from what Casey or I have experienced. And I'm curious what that has looked like. One of the tougher things we've gone through together, to be honest. And we're lucky that we haven't had that much tough stuff to face just yet. But it's been hard.

And I think we're just now. So I'm about a year and a couple months post-op. And I would say we're just now starting to get to the point where we are communicating about it better. It has taken me up until about a year post-op to really accept the fact that my husband loved my body the way it was before. Never crossed my mind that that could have been a thing. You mean that you didn't believe that he, you believed he loved you,

but not what your body looked like. Like, yeah, like he loved me for all of the reasons I love me, which are like all of the things inside. Like he loved you in spite of your body. I just, yeah. Yeah. Like he put up with my body because he loved me or something, I guess. And also like my husband's so like frustratingly so he avoids like physical compliments.

And we had to get to a point where I was I would say like I need more of those because he's like every time I'd say like, does this look good? He'd be like, are you comfortable? Every time is the response. Are you comfortable? And now I say, like, I'm very comfortable in both of these things, but I would like to know what you – because he just was like, what am I supposed to say to that? Yeah. And yeah, I would have to say like, I need more compliments from you on my appearance

also. Like I want to hear that sometimes. And he'd be like, of course, I think you look great. I married you like I sleep next to you every night. What are you talking about? And I'm like, okay, but like, you still have to say it. So he's always been his focus has never been really my body. And I always just assumed that that was because he didn't like it.

And not because he, you know, is a feminist. I don't know. But yeah, I think I felt so good. And I think it was hard. It's hard for me to verbalize just what you guys were just talking about, which is like the freedom and mental space. Because I didn't have like diabetes or blood pressure. Like I didn't have a ton of medical stuff beforehand just yet. Right. But so I think it's like hard for him to, to understand why I would take such a drastic seeming step to him.

Him um but he had seen you struggle right like he had seen you on weight loss attempts oh yeah I mean and he was always like along for the ride on that you know but uh I and when I brought up surgery to him he was like if you can be the bionic woman like do it if medicine can help you do it it's great and don't make the decision for anyone but you but um so he's always been like very supportive in that way yeah um but yeah I I felt like we had like

post-surgery I felt like I was starting to feel much better about myself and that he was starting to like me less I don't know that that was true but that's how it felt um like there was just this like growing disconnect between what he had said he always wanted was that I love myself more and I'm feeling like I I love myself more and I'm feeling like he loves me less. And I don't think that's true, but that's how it felt.

And yeah, it was like a year or so post-op that I said to him like, hey, I'm really struggling with this because I feel like I have never felt better. And our relationship doesn't seem to be as where it was before.

It didn't occur to me that he was struggling with massive changes in me in six months you know what i mean like physically yeah um because it didn't occur to me that he could have loved my body the way it was before um anyway so we we talked about it and uh you know i'm like i feel i'm jealous of other people that i see that like feel better and they are their marriages seem to be happier and they're like or their relationships seem to be happier or whatever i'm jealous of that you

know and and he phrased being seemed to be well yeah and also we got to the point where and i think this is where we started to kind of work through it is i would much rather have a relationship that's built on something that's not what i look like and work through this sort of tough period with him than be with someone who was celebrating me being smaller you know yeah um. So that's a good point. I mean, almost feels worse if like, he's like, oh, now you're hot. Right.

If you all of a sudden had this affection that you never received before. It's like, oh, now I get this. Right. And it's funny because now he like when we've been now we've been talking about a lot more. And I think I mentioned on the plastics episode that like, he never mentioned my boobs being gone or whatever.

But when I when I brought it up, and when we got like kind of more real into talking about this he's like it's hard like I miss your butt and I'm like Corey who are you talking to like I never had a butt and he's like trust me I looked at it a lot I don't know it's just been very different and I thought it would be kind of rainbows and butterflies like you would be thrilled and I forgot that I'm married to a man who isn't celebrating a ton of physical appearance

type things so anyway it's gotten a little better but we've yeah I think being open and I've been like kind of pressing him for more because he's not he's not one to like say if he's upset or concerned or whatever, he's like, he, you kind of need to beat him at, beat it out of him a little bit. Um, yeah, but you, uh, you actually asked Corey some questions.

I did episode. Do you want to share some of those? They're not as good as bill. So nobody would get your tissues ready. Cause he compared me to a cake. So, um, I asked him if he had any, like, what are the big challenges as he sees them in our relationship? Like post-surgery, like that, that he thinks surgery has, uh. Um, impacted. And he's like, we have a ways to go, but we're getting there.

Uh, a tough one for me is that I have pictures everywhere of my wife who I fell in love with and they may be doctored or not, which was something he really struggled with. I, I shared with him the post I did on, on like changing photos and stuff. And he had no idea that people did that. Oh, wow. That like editing photos to make yourself look smaller. Yeah. And definitely did not know that I did it.

Uh, he said, I have no clue if they've been doctorate or not but that is who i fell in love with i am gonna cry reading these she was and has been this is weird to say a sexual desire an athlete a friend a travel partner.

Do you want me to read it no i can get it together, uh a travel partner and most importantly beyond a wife an actual mother of two and for her to not see herself as beautiful has been difficult to me and what is her actual definition of beauty or are women even able to define their own beauty it's been tough and then I said I hear all this and I love you for it and he said this is where it gets good years ago my aunt made a cake that she tried to pass as a quote healthier

version of my grandmother's famous pound cake you could immediately taste that it was different but it It was a good cake, just not the one that made us remember my grandmother. I just have to get used to this new cake. That's actually a fantastic answer. I actually love that. Anyway, and I sent him a long thing about, you know, he knows this already, but that I really never loved myself until I knew Corey.

Like I I talk about like weight loss surgery giving you like the the guardrails or whatever like the stability and safety and stuff of having time to like. Tease stuff out and learn about yourself. And I think he gave me that too. Anyway. Allie, I know it makes you, I know you don't love getting emotional, but I think it's very real for people the way that relationships, especially intimate ones are altered after surgery, right? This is not, you are not alone in this at all.

I imagine that most people who are in a committed relationship and or a marriage and one of them goes through this. I mean, it's It's life-changing, at least I think it is. And it's hard on both parties. It's like, yeah, who am I and who are we as a couple in this new reality, in this new normal?

Yeah. And I also think, you know, Corey's answer, which I loved, I think speaks to like how, difficult it is for someone to understand what you're going through when you're struggling with your weight and struggling with not loving yourself, especially someone who loves you so deeply. And like, that's a struggle for them in a very different way too. You know, I can imagine like loving someone so much and then realizing that they didn't love themselves.

That's hard. yeah yeah and i think that it's important i think it's great that you guys are you're talking about it you know what i mean you're having you're starting to have those conversations and like it doesn't have to be this hidden thing that isn't spoken about or isn't acknowledged it's like yeah this is real this is happening and how how do we find a path forward yeah and i also like want to be clear that he is very you guys know this but he's very supportive

and like celebrates me in a a lot of other ways it's just not a the physical celebrate or side of like celebrating like, cory wouldn't be someone that i would say like oh my weight today is this like where i lost 30 pounds or like i i guarantee you if he's if he if you asked him how much weight i had lost he'd have no idea yeah like because that's not important to him no it's not and he would not celebrate that like actively he would like rail against selling celebrating that um but yeah i I

feel like I'm making him out to be like a total. I think so. No, I had a fantastic husband and dad. He is. And he won't care if you think otherwise. Anyways, he won't because he's confident, which is amazing. I feel like I've learned a lot and it's that I shouldn't prepare for any of this. And I definitely shouldn't ask any questions to anyone or do anything thoughtful ever again. Everyone cool with that? It's an interesting takeaway, Allie. It's the only type of takeaway I can do. Um.

It's crazy to me. One thing I keep thinking about for this whole episode has been. Things that we don't say out loud and like just thoughts that go through our head, how loud and how much they like, how loud they can be and how much they impact so many parts of our lives. Because I think when you're thinking them, you're like, oh, they're not really that harmful. Like, oh, I don't like my boobs or whatever for me. Like you think like, oh, it's just like, I don't, whatever.

It's not something that I attach a lot of value to but one thing that i've heard all of us i think say is like that when we have started to feel differently about ourselves nothing changes externally really and you feel differently and all of a sudden you're attracting such different things yeah yeah because it's the way that you're carrying yourself i've noticed that yeah tenfold the i attract more attention yeah when i feel better about the way i carry myself i think

i struggled with this a little little bit because for all of my life I attributed my lack of relationships to my weight and my first and only successful relationship has been post losing 100 pounds and having plastic surgery and I struggled with the idea that like I was finally physically acceptable and like now this is the first time a relationship is working and I but I have to remind myself that like I am a fundamentally mentally different person than I was two and a half years ago.

And it's not just about what's on the outside. It's the confidence. It's the emotional growth. It's like everything else has changed. The physical part just happens to be there too. But it's hard not to think about that sometimes. It's almost validating those fears that I always had that like, oh, it's because I'm fat. That's why no one wants to date me. And then like, nope, now I'm not. So now it's working. And I know that that's not true.

But that is something I struggle with. I get it. I mean, I think that's a huge part of I joke about my trainer and having a crush on him. And but I think I think it's a very similar, not a very similar situation. But I think there are parallels there where it's like, Like, he's a trainer. He's a gorgeous, young, very, very fit man. And he flirts with me. When I used to get on dating apps prior to surgery and somebody said they were a trainer or that fitness was really important.

Yeah, passed. Swipe left. It was an immediate swipe left because I was like, there's no way that they're going to be into me if they're into like a personal trainer. Absolutely not. The fact that there's a trainer flirting with me. Yeah, but everyone has a tight. Yeah, same with anyone who is. But it validates those same worry thoughts. Well, I have a person you should ask some of these questions to and some of the worries and stuff.

And maybe you can get another perspective on it. But she'll be our guest next week. And no one will know who she is. So don't even try to guess. I'm excited for that. Because this person has been married for, I don't know, a long time, more than 10 years, more than 15 years, to someone who never knew her before she had bariatric surgery and plastic surgery. Wow. What a tease. I didn't know that she had plastic surgery. I didn't think I did either. She's an FDL girl.

Really? Definitely didn't know that. Definitely not genetic to lose all your breast tissue.

It only happened to me. lucky you uh-huh well on that note tune in uh tune in next week for uh for a special secret secret guest yeah we are we're really excited about this the guest we have on next week um thank you guys so much for this conversation this was um i think more emotional than i was expecting it to be but i think it really kind of speaks to just how much dating and relationships are affected not only by weight but how dramatically they change after weight loss and weight loss

surgery and all of the emotions that go along with that. So yeah, thank you for sharing. Yeah, bear with us. I promise I will try not to cry next week. Was this two in a row? It is two in a row. No, because I didn't cry doing plastics, right? The new title is going to be What's Allie Crying About This Week? I know. And everyone's not going to buy. I keep saying on Instagram, like, I'm not usually emotional.

But if I'm going to be emotional, it's about my kids. Like, no one's going to be believing me anymore. Guys, tell them I'm not like this. They're like, Like, yeah, that girl just cries all the time. Yeah. All right. Well, we hope you enjoyed. And we'll see you next time. Yep. See you next week. Did I say laughing? Music.