Confronting the Comparison Conundrum: Navigating Self-Doubt on a Weight Loss Journey

Music.

Welcome to the Former Fat Friend Podcast. I'm Kasey. I'm Lisa. I'm Allie. And together we've lost over 370 pounds. We all know what it's like to be the fat friend. And now we are sharing the ins and outs of our weight loss journeys. Welcome back. Hi. Welcome back.

Okay. Some of these episodes that we do are planned out and we kind of know what we're going to talk about. And I think this week, something I've really been struggling with a lot is some unhealthy comparisons. They've been really, really loud for me lately. And I don't think I'm alone in that. And so I think this week, we're going to dive into kind of what's what's going on there and what we all experience and how we get through it.

And yeah, this is what we wanted to do with this podcast, right? We talked about like, bringing our conversations to other people and making sure that they don't feel alone. And I think all three of us were like, this is scrap the podcast podcast episode that we wanted to record, this is more relevant and more important. For sure. So Lisa, I know this has kind of been top of mind for you. And it's also something that Allie and I have also struggled with.

But I want to start with you because this has been more relevant recently. Can you talk a little bit about the ways you've been comparing yourself lately and what that struggle has felt like? Yeah, I mean, I think probably what kicked it off, I went on a vacation last week to Colorado, and I tried to ski and I've only tried to ski once before in my life. And it was eight years ago when I was 250 pounds and I laughed and whatever, but it, it was not great.

Like it, I was not, I was not really capable. Um, and I did it for a couple hours and I bowed out and this was like, no, I'm in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Like this is where people go to ski. I'm going to do this right. I booked a full day lesson and I had a really great morning where I felt like capable and in control of my body and in tune with my body where I like, oh, the things that like, I feel stable, I feel secure.

Like, and then we got back from lunch and we went to a bigger mountain and all of that went out the window. And I felt so incapable. And I started to get further and further behind from the other people in my group. And that started to feed the self-doubt and the fear that was already happening. And it was one of those things where like my entire life.

I have been the fat friend. I have felt like the person that couldn't keep up, that was holding everybody else back, that was going to be picked last on the team. And I was so excited because I was like, well, I lost all this weight. So like, now I'm going to be able to ski and I'm going to crush it. Right. Yeah. And I so badly wanted that to be the day of like, I'm going to be able to keep up.

And nobody else had skied before in my group. So it was like, we were all starting at the same base level.

So I was like I got this and then as the afternoon went on when I tell you that I stood at the top of that hill and felt every bit like that 250 pound girl that I used to be like there was no every coping mechanism every like self-soothe safety signal anything I've learned to do since surgery completely went out the window and I was that person again and it starts that that comparison game of like, why can they do this? And I can't, I must be doing something wrong.

Yeah. It makes me think about how I think a lot of us tie any shortcomings or any problems in our life to our weight. Like this isn't working out for me because I'm overweight. I know for me, it was always dating. Like if I were skinnier, I would be able to find somebody to date. It wouldn't be so hard. It was, there were so many things that I thought were weight related. And And when you lose the weight, you often realize like, oh, no, it was just me the whole time. Oh, yeah, wait, I just saw.

And I think that's kind of maybe what happened for you is like in your mind, your inability to keep up or, you know, engage in things that required athleticism. Yeah. Was so intrinsically tied in your mind to your weight when in reality skiing for an adult human who has never skied before is hard for anybody. I mean, that's not a natural skill and it doesn't really have anything to do with weight. And I think that's a hard thing to realize because you lose all the weight and

you think, oh, suddenly life is going to get better. And it does in a lot of ways. Sure. But you also have to realize all of these things that I attributed to my weight aren't really real.

They're not about my weight and yeah you know my friend that i was with that i was visiting she said she saw me be so frustrated and upset and she was like dude you tried something new at 35 years old like a lot of people wouldn't do that i still think you should be proud of yourself yeah and i did go back a second day and like i i wanted to turn it around i didn't want to end the trip on like such a down note but yeah i think there's a i've never been athletically inclined

and i I always attributed it to my weight. But the three of us went, we played pickleball. And I was so excited because I was like, I can do these things now. And these things are like, they don't feel like exercise. They actually feel like recreational activity. And like, this is fun. And. I felt on par with the two of you, like prior to pickleball, just like, oh, we're all like active, healthy women. And I'm going to be able to do this with them. And spoiler alert, I'm not good at pickleball.

And guess what? That's okay. It is okay. I don't know if you knew this, but I played tennis in high school. Yeah, I didn't know it. Yeah.

So it makes sense. and it's hard when like because I know a lot of times myself and other people I'm sure we compare ourselves to those that we see on Instagram yeah right and like their journey and their whatever and Instagram is I mean it's just a it's mostly a highlight reel but I think it's something different to compare I found myself comparing to the two of you because it was like well wait, Casey's pretty new at pickleball too Allie's four months like less far out from

surgery than me but But the fact of the matter is, Allie's an athlete, always has been. Casey played tennis. Like, I don't have good hand-eye coordination. I'm not. But I literally was in that court, like, picking myself apart, comparing why can they do this and I can't? What do they have that I don't have? Why am I falling short? And Allie, I remember you literally, I don't think anyone knew how upset I was.

I'm also very competitive, which doesn't help. But I remember you joking and being like. Our worth is not tied to pickleball. I mean, I was kind of joking, but also serious. Yeah. But then you said you were like, all we need to do is not cry. And in that moment, that is literally all I was trying to do was not cry. And I don't know that that was like, but it's so silly. But it's like that comparison and that I am less than I am not capable is so deep seated.

This is something I've had to confront with running. So I post a lot on Instagram how I run. And it was honestly just something I started because I didn't know what else to do activity-wise after I had surgery. I really didn't do anything except walk for the first six months. And then I was like, all right, well, now what? And so I decided to download a Couch to 5K app. And that was my goal was to run a 5K.

And I did it. I did that app. But I struggled. That app was supposed to be, what is it, like eight weeks, I think, start to finish. I had no idea. I had to repeat days over and over and over again because running does not come naturally to me. And that's something that I have had to learn over the last year and a half of trying to pretend like I'm a runner. It just doesn't. And I can do it. And I'm really proud of myself for achieving

what I have. But I think lately as I, you know, I did the 5K, then I did the five miler, then I did the 10K with my sister. My sister is a natural athlete. She crushed that 10K. Like she was so far ahead of me. It was ridiculous. And I don't even think she trained for it. Or if she did, it wasn't very much. And then I started dating my boyfriend who ran in college. And then I met Allie, who is a former Division One athlete and a ridiculously fast runner.

And it's hard because it's on the one hand, I'm like, well, why am I not able to like, just do this? Like everyone else is able to like do this so much better than I am. And then also having to recognize like. I'm not a runner. Running is never going to come naturally to me. And it's okay if I run forever, run a 12 and a half minute mile, and I never get any faster. That is 12 and a half minutes faster than I was two and a half years ago, you know? When you weren't running at all. Yeah, exactly.

It's funny because I think sometimes the, obviously the way that we see ourselves is so different from the way that other people see us, right? Like weight loss or not. And I remember the three of us, my first race ever, the three of us ran a five mile race and I was convinced I was going to run by myself. And it was because of the noise, even skiing this weekend, my friend and I skied together and I was like, you need to be ahead of me.

Stop trying to ski with me. You're stressing me out. You gotta, you gotta go away.

And I, I felt that I thought that's how I was going to feel on the five miler because I was worried about, well, Allie was left us in the the dust yeah it was like I'm outie it which was great because then she was there to capture us when we crossed which by the way too that was a surprise to me too sure no I know I know we give you a lot of crap no I mean I'm not like that's also a genuine I think thing that often feels like it's garbage like I just want

to finish like I do I'm you know what I mean yeah I know that it's genuine yeah it's very much genuine and then sometimes we surprise ourselves which is really really cool. But my fear was slowing Casey down. I kept waiting for you to go ahead. Like I wanted you to go. Like, don't let me hold you back. Like, just go. You told me a lot of times, like, you can go. And I was like, I don't think you get it. Like, this is my pace. I am going.

Right. And in my mind, I was like, no, Casey's gonna, you know, and in your head, you're thinking about.

Probably like I'm a slow runner am I like you're having some of the same worry thoughts I'm having I was just like dear god let me finish that's all I was thinking it's so funny it's like you remember when I said you're an athlete now and you're like it makes me so uncomfortable for you to say so I have the same sort of reaction because like I'm not a runner until recently like I never had been and I remember in high school we did a 5k like my swim team

did a 5k like I I remember how miserable I felt doing that 5k and that like my friend's 50 year old mom, who like is a runner, but like she beat me and I was probably the last person in my group to do it. And even the people that I could swim faster than could always run faster than me. And then later on in high school, we would do like trail runs with the team that I was on growing up. And my my coach would have to like stop and wait for me like really frequently.

And again, like I get it, it's different level of athletics and stuff. I like, I don't deny there's like a baseline fitness there, but it's so interesting and like almost uncomfortable for me. I don't want you to stop doing it, but it's uncomfortable for me when you're like, oh, there's Allie like being a runner.

And I'm like, no, like this is, this is like brand new. And I also think that's why I don't, I compared myself so much more when I was younger and pre-surgery to others and that's why like I definitely do it now but I just I don't think nearly as badly as I did and it definitely does not have a negative impact on me anymore because I just I forced myself to choose not to do that so did you guys find when you were actively losing weight did you compare your the rate of weight weight loss

to other people that you saw or knew? First thing I looked at.

Yeah. I remember vividly going on Instagram and searching for other people that had a similar surgery date to mine. Because I found like prior to surgery, there were a lot of people I followed that are well known in the community that were much further post-op than I was. I was a brand new baby. And I was like, I want someone, I want community and support from someone that's going through what I'm going going through in this moment. Not that went through it a year ago or three years ago.

And then I found some of those people and then I constantly compared myself to them. If they posted weight loss or if they, I found myself comparing a lot of like, actually, Allie, I remember, you and I got coffee. I think you had had your first day where you had less restriction and you were hungrier. And I think you had eaten like seven or 800 calories and you were terrible.

Yeah and I was four months further out than you and I remembered when that happened to me and I sent you a screenshot of that day yeah to be like hey this happened to me and in the moment I panicked I didn't know but it was like I was just hungrier yeah I did feel so much better after that I remember that and hey I was like four months later like I'm still losing I'm still like it didn't nothing happened the world didn't

stop yeah right you're gonna be okay so those types of comparisons are so helpful i find that yeah so it's such a yeah it's a very fine line because they can be helpful and they can be so detrimental and i know you ali you've said before that like. You've heard other people say, oh, I got to turn off social media. It's getting too, you know, messy with the comparisons. And you're like, wait, no, that motivates me. That helps me. that. Yeah.

So I didn't find anyone that had a similar surgery date to me. And mostly because I wasn't interested in that, right? Like I wanted to see what was possible for me because I've never, I mean, how many times do we say this? I've never been successful with losing weight. And so my first thing I would look at was their stats. Like you said, you can find someone who was like 600 pounds and is now 250 and that's fantastic.

But that wasn't the, that wasn't the the road I wanted or that I thought was even possible for me, right? Like, I, I had, like you, I had never imagined getting under 200 pounds, right? My like pipe dream goal was five pounds heavier than where I am today.

I had no clue. And my surgeon and I like we never talked about weight, goal weight or anything like that. And she told me like, you can expect to lose 70% of your excess, Which for me would have been like right at 200 pounds, basically. Yeah, I did the same thing. I would find people who had similar, like starting weights to me who were what I would consider successful. And I would scroll back through their Instagram feeds to try to find like,

how much had they lost at three months? How much had they lost at six months? And then see if I was like on track with that. And I even found this app where you could put in your starting weight, your surgery date, and what you were now. And it would give you a graph to tell you if you were on track, above average, or below average. Wow. Okay, I'm sorry. Just put that in the show notes. No, that sounds so unhealthy. But actually don't because it was so unhealthy and so obsessive. Yeah.

But I think part of it is like kind of what you were getting at, Allie. Like this is really unknown for all of us. And you want to know what's possible. Exactly. And you also, I think, for people who have failed at a lot of things, you want to know if you're failing and you want some indicator that you're doing okay. A bar, a measure, something to like, yeah.

So it's funny because like I think of that graph for me, well, maybe I'm not always this way, but you guys have seen this with the podcast stuff. Like I just, I'm a lot harder on myself.

I think we all are. and a graph like that would have I think reassured me that I was okay like if I were on that curve anywhere that someone else somewhere had done that like I think that would have helped me even if it showed that you were below average I think so just like that I was on I mean as long as I wasn't like problematic below average right like you know like I'm on hey I'm I don't know in the.

Middle 50% like, I don't know, maybe it would have, I think it would have like inspired me a little bit or may or reassured me that like, you know, there are other people that are on this curve, like this, this line represents people who are performing the same way I am. Allie, you're really great about that. Like you did that with this race. I think Casey and I are both really concerned about this race. And finishing on time, there's a very, very strict timeline because it's in DC.

And there are strict rules about how long the street can be closed. And so there is an actual sweeper bus that comes and takes you off the course if you don't finish in time. And I'm like, this thing's going to have to plow me down. Like, I am not getting on that damn bus. Kicking and screaming. Yeah. So we're running for my life from the sweep bus. You guys aren't going to be on it. So that's what, like, I'm, I think Casey and I have both expressed being terrified. And Allie went to the data.

Allie was like, I went back and I looked at last year's finishing times. And here are all of the people that did this.

Yeah, literally. Here are the receipts. like you're going to be okay that's exactly what i thought of when you were like as long as i was on that curve and i think there were people that finished after the timeline by a few minutes and like got to finish also it was close it was right now when i learned that that's why they have a sweet bus oh really i didn't know that's why they did it i just thought it was like you're out no it's because i gotta open the right actually

so i'm doing the half marathon the next week and my friend that i'm doing it with was said something about i don't want to run for four hours without headphones. And I'm like, you're not going to do it for four hours. You could walk that faster than that. And she's like, I don't know. You guys are going to be there and I'm going to be bringing up the rear. And I was like, well, what about the sweet bus?

Like, I didn't say that, but in my head, I was like, certainly the sweet bus will pick her up. I don't think all races have a sweet bus. They don't. Well, I don't think so. Especially not if it's in Delaware, probably. Oh, that's so funny. No, no, no, no, no. I had no idea. But yeah, so it's funny because I looked at like...

Height was one thing because I think I've learned just my body being a taller woman and a bigger woman is just so different than when a person who's 5'2", it's fantastic for them. When they lose weight, it's a completely different story. And it was very difficult for me to also find someone who I felt like worked out the way I did.

And I knew that I couldn't let go of that that like post-op and so yeah finding it I guess in a positive way comparing those stories or whatever to like what was possible for me it's like you said Casey like I did I was actually not interested in like finding someone who had surgery when I did I would find someone else who presumably looked like me before or at least had similar stats and then scroll all the way back to the beginning of time

when they had posted like I just got out of the hospital and I'd be like great Great. Now, where are we? Right. And the other thing I remember comparing to was I watched a YouTube video because I like could not consume enough information once I decided I was having surgery. So I would like put on YouTube, close my phone, throw it in my console in the car and listen to like random surgeons talk about bariatric surgery.

And I learned a lot of cool stuff. But one of the things I learned was that this guy was like, you can, I can't remember exactly what the stat was, but it was like, you can expect to have lost 50% of your weight by about three months in whoa and maybe it was bypass specific I don't remember but he was like that's a pretty good indicator of where you're gonna be maybe it wasn't half maybe it was like six months I think you're right because

I've heard that too yeah and I remember hearing that and looking back because I heard it much later and and it actually was spot on accurate so yeah and I remember I told my sister this and we so my sister had surgery three weeks after I did which is probably another reason why like comparing just is out the window because I mean you can't have you can't have that yeah yeah and so yeah like I remember thinking like oh I've lost I don't know what

it was 70 pounds like there's no way I'm going to continue at this rate but like maybe I could and if that's possible for me then like I could find like then I would find people who looked like that on Instagram and it was really helpful for me to see like. They looked like objectively, because like, I don't know what a 150, 160 pound person looks like. That's my height. I didn't know. You're right. I looked at height a lot too.

I forgot about that. I did definitely look for a similar surgery date, but then I also looked at like, and that was something Casey, I felt about you. I was like, oh wait, she kind of looks like, like her body kind of looks like mine. And like, look at her now. Holy crap. Maybe that really is is possible. Yeah. And I think it's human nature to want to do that, right? Like that is so normal. And I get questions all the time, like, how much did you lose when you were

three months post-op? How much at six months? And I know exactly what is going through that person's mind when they send that message, because I did the exact same thing of digging through people's history and trying to figure it out. But I think it's a slippery slope because one of the things I I really do believe, and I think this is supported by data, is that we don't have that much control over our outcomes post-bariatric surgery.

There are so many factors at play like age, health conditions, metabolic factors, genetics. There are so many things that go into it that all you can do is follow your guidelines, give it your all for as long as you possibly can, And like, what's going to happen is going to happen. And you can't worry about, oh, am I on track with this person that I follow on Instagram?

Because I want to look like what they look like. Because even if you did exactly the same thing, like Lisa, you know, you followed me before, even if you had done every single thing to the T that I had done every day of my life, post surgery, you and I are not going to have the same outcome. It just doesn't work that way. It's true. As long as I'm on it, I'm happy. I think I'm more of the, like, I'm only going to plug my data in if I think I'm ahead.

Well, yeah. I mean, naturally, I wouldn't have gone to it if I didn't think I was. But it is. It's totally about, like, I'll say something like in therapy, my therapist would be like, that's one way to think about it. But yeah, you know, it's about shifting your mindset and shifting the shifting your thoughts or like identifying those thoughts and, you know, catching them and and and changing them and like kind of changing the narrative or the the feelings that are that are surrounded by it.

Do you think when it comes to social media, there's what is that line between inspiration and comparison? Yeah. Or even just like healthy versus toxic, you know, because there's, it's all inspiring. I think it's, for me, I think it's when you start, when it becomes like self-deprecating or when you're comparing in a negative space that makes you feel less successful. Because like you said, no two people's journeys are going to be the same. So I think it's the function of the comparison.

Is it, are you doing it? Because you're looking for inspiration and because it's exciting to see other people and feel a sense of community and feel that like you're not alone and that sort of thing? Or are you doing it to pick yourself apart? And I learned something recently in therapy because I have been struggling a lot with comparisons and I always take them as like, I'm not good enough. That's always where my comparisons end up for me. They're not inspirational.

They're not, I'm so competitive and I'm so hard on myself. I get, somebody asked me recently, like, like, is your dietician really mean to you? Like, don't eat that. You can't do that. And I was like, no, I think I'm so mean to me that everyone on my team is just like, it's okay. Give yourself some grace. Like also like you do what you're supposed to do. I do. And I think I struggle with that because I don't understand why you wouldn't.

I've had this conversation with my surgeon, with my therapist, where I'm like, because my surgeon was, I felt like she put me a little bit on this pedestal and that made me so uncomfortable. I was like, no, no, no, stop. stop. I'm not doing anything extraordinary. I'm literally just doing what I was told to do. I'm taking the tools that were given to me and I'm utilizing them. And my therapist was like, but what you don't understand is that there are people that aren't doing that.

And I remember saying to her, like, are you telling me that there are people. That pay hundreds of dollars to come see you and don't actively put in the work? And she was like, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying to you. And I'm like, I don't understand why you would have have this surgery and not give it everything you have. So in my mind, I'm not doing anything extraordinary. I'm literally just doing what experts are telling me to do. Yeah.

But like you said, Casey, like there's a ton of this that you have no control over. Yeah. But there's some that you do and you are controlling the things that you can well. One of the things I also think like when you said, how does it, when does it cross the line?

I think like if it's driving you to get out of bed in the morning or it's like your motivation motivation to try to catch up to somebody else like there's always going to be somebody there like you're never you're never getting to the finish line if it's just like your motivation is to catch up or to beat them because there's always somebody faster than you or stronger than you or skinnier than you or whatever has more money than you like there's always somebody yeah so yeah like

if that's what you're chasing. And not like health or positivity or whatever it is. Like I feel like that's where it crosses the line for me. Or like you said, it drives you to get out of bed versus you don't get out of bed because you're like, what's the point? Right. I think when it comes to social media, I struggle with a couple of things.

And I say this as a person who like has a larger following on social media, which is that I think a lot of the people in the bariatric community that end up kind of like growing and being those larger accounts that a lot of people know about are the ones who are successful from an outside perspective, like have lost the most weight, have gotten down to like a very small size or have lost a ton of weight.

And and i don't know how to fix this but i wish that there was more attention placed on the people who are maybe on the bottom end of that curve but are working really hard and doing all of the things because that's also real life and that's also inspiring those are stories that deserve attention just as much as everything else and i think it's in part because it's a visual platform so when you see a really dramatic before and after that grabs your attention and you're like wow wow,

that's incredible. And that's cool. And that's amazing. But there are a lot of before and afters that might not grab your attention quite in that same way. But the people and what they're doing and what they've come from and what they've gone through are beyond inspiring. The things you can't see. Yeah. And I think I learned this a lot at the bariatric retreat because I got to talk to a lot of people. And I mean, everyone looks phenomenal.

But when you take take away the looks part of it, the way that people have changed their lives, that's incredible. And like, those are the comparisons I think we should focus more on in the world of social media and on Instagram and less on the like, super dramatic before and after types of pictures.

When I first started sharing on Instagram a little bit more seriously, I really struggled with like knowing that people compare and that it hurts them because like, I don't in that in In that realm, I don't really. And there are always people where I'm like, oh, wouldn't it be nice to like. Have a butt or like, you know, whatever. But like, those are things that I recognize are not really great for me. And I am lucky enough to like be able to just like choose not to think about them anymore.

That's not a thing that like everyone can do. And I'm aware of that. I struggled with it because I, like you said, I did a lot of things by the book. I really tried. I gave it a lot of effort. But that doesn't mean I did it better than anybody else. I just had a like visually shocking transformation very quickly.

And I struggled with posting things that didn't feel like preachy or that would necessarily like create a space for someone who was struggling to compare themselves to, because like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just doing what they told me to do, you know, like, and I'm not an authority on it.

So like, I, yeah, I struggled with that a lot because I, again, like I, I don't have as much of an issue with it, but I know that people do and how do I like share my story without encouraging comparison yeah I think about this all the time and I I know some people are really sensitive talking about weight and they don't ever post their weight on their Instagram page because they don't want to trigger other people that's not something that I've

done and I feel like I've taken the approach of like I'm gonna make my page what I what I want it to be and for like my community and if it's upsetting to someone else like please unfollow please right don't protect yourself that's the thing it's not ali it's not your responsibility to manage how other you know other people's comparisons like that's on them to know their limits and set their limits and i agree but i think like i see things sometimes that

just kind of like set me off a little bit like what like when people do you want to get controversial yeah let's get always i think when people when when like people on instagram give advice or make blanket statements about like what will work and what won't work generally post-surgery it drives me kind of nuts because like i think it's very important and i think if you have a following not that i do but i see these people and i'm like i think that you have a little

little bit of a responsibility to like look out for your community here. And I see our community as a very vulnerable population that is looking for any sort of direction on where to go. And when you are someone who has a large following or has the shocking transformation, if you're telling people that the only right way to do something or the only that something else that someone else is doing is wrong, I think you have a responsibility to be a little bit more.

Careful with your words. Like, yeah, this is what works for me. I think admitting that there's a slippery slope for us is way more humanizing and something that I personally connect with a lot more than acting like you kind of just have it all figured out. Yeah, I totally agree. I don't but I don't think that you ever make blanket statements. You know, no, I but I like finding how to share things was stuff that was definitely something that I took into account.

Yeah. So I actually think I worry about my own account almost from the other side, because I think if you guys know, because you spend a lot of time with me, I eat pretty normally. And I would say sometimes I'm not a great bariatric patient and I eat things that other bariatric patients wouldn't eat. Like I'm pretty sure I just had four mini chocolate chocolate chip cookies for dinner tonight. So I'm not so proud of it. She definitely also ate a salad. I did eat a salad with chicken. I did.

Because it was like, oh, I should have some protein. But I know like our friend Elle, she had gastric bypass. She's very sensitive to sugar. And anytime I consume sugar around her, she's like, are you going to be okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to be fine. But I do try to post the reality of my life.

But I often worry that I give people the wrong impression that everyone who has bariatric surgery will get to a point where they can too eat chocolate chip cookies and drink a Slurpee and do all those things and be fine because they might not be able to. And like- And I don't know, I can't tell you what maintenance is going to look like for you. I can tell you what it looks like for me, but I don't know what it's going to look like.

And so I think it's just as much as we don't want to say like, oh, well, I don't touch carbohydrates. I'm in maintenance and I don't touch carbs and I never will again. Well, you should. Like, but I also don't want to say. Like, I'm so sorry. It's a free for all and I do whatever I want. And you can also do whatever you want because neither one of those things is true for everybody. Yeah. And it's a but it's a tricky thing to share your life and what you do,

but also try to say, like, I'm not I'm not telling you what to do. Yeah, totally. And I think with this podcast, it's like, no, we don't want to tell anybody what to do. We're just sharing our experience and like, yeah, having that sense of that community. But it's tough. Everyone has to find their own balance. What works for one person isn't going to work for another person. And there really is no one size fits all where, you know, a lot of questions

are like, when could you tolerate red meat? When could you do this? When could you do that? And it's like, we're all going to have our own answers for that. And it's comparing. It's just like useless. Yeah. Somebody asked me recently about traveling. Like, would I be able to travel six weeks after or something like that? And I think about like, I would have been like, yeah, sure, dude. Because like, I was completely fine. I think I traveled for work like four weeks

after and I was fine. And I was also fine like one week after, one day after practically. But I think about you and how much pain you were in. I would not have. I don't want to be the person to tell this girl she can travel after four weeks. Like that's something you should ask your doctor. You should absolutely ask your doctor. But if you see someone else doing it and you're like, oh, well, like am I behind because I'm not doing it?

Like that's the kind of stuff that I think I worry, yeah, about sharing. But I also think there's a lot of value in having this community and people who have like been through it before you can kind of at least for me, you know, it was such a big unknown and being able to see people who had kind of made it to the other side and were doing well and living life. And I think that was it wasn't a comparison. It was that was truly inspiration. It was like it was hope.

Yeah, I think that's a good word for what I was using it for. Like the comparing for me was not. Yeah, like to, because I felt like I was behind or whatever, it was literally just like, oh, this is what's maybe possible. If I don't get there, like, maybe I haven't failed. But like, I have never even thought about this being possible before. Whereas I was like, if I don't get there, I have failed. Right.

Truly, it was like, yeah. So I know you like you've been working on this or like you've been talking about it in therapy. Do you have any like strategies for like when you feel those types of feelings or like? Like, one thing that's really helpful for me is taking a step back and challenging the accuracy of the thought that I'm having. Like, is this thought absolutely accurate? Is it true? What facts do I have to back that up? What data do I have? And, like, what would someone else say?

What would, you know, what would I say to my niece? What would I say to my best friend? Right. What would one of my best friends say to me?

And just, like, is it true? Is the thought accurate? accurate the other thing that that i learned recently that i thought has been helpful is basically my therapist was like the only person you should be comparing yourself to is you is the former version of you because again nobody else's journey is going to be the same as yours so compare you're just comparing apples and oranges it doesn't matter if you're the same height it doesn't matter if you had the

same starting weight all of those other factors that go into your journey they're just they're not accurate pieces of data for you to make any kind of comparison yeah and that is something that's really helpful for me if I run like I ran recently I did it I did my longest run ever and I was a little worried about the time and so I went back to six months ago and looked at what my times were and I beat them by 15 seconds which like isn't a huge whatever but I

wasn't slower I was faster yeah so it's like it's it's again your longest run ever so you ran less before no no i ran seven miles so i took the first five and compared them to my five mile run yeah but i did an additional i mean but the way my brain works is like i can like it's just so different because i'm like you ran seven miles that's the win who cares what time yeah exactly that's fantastic i don't even look at my time i'm just like did i run your brain is the goal yeah that's the goal

for me i'm just not my brain is an asshole. Can I say that? I mean, mine is on other things. I get it, but I just was like... Yeah, we all have our... But it's really helpful when I'm like, I'll do that. I do the same thing with pictures. When I think that I'm still 250 pounds and I don't see the progress in the mirror, I make a side-by-side comparison photo. When I put on a piece of clothing and I'm like, why doesn't this fit any differently? It should fit looser now.

I find a picture of the last time my war and I put them side by side and I see like, oh, hey, it does fit differently. But like, my brain needs to see it. My brain needs a visual. It needs proof. It needs facts. And that's what it's helpful is like, check the facts. What is true? What is accurate? And like seeking that information out. And the more you do it.

Is supposedly the easier it gets well you told me and it helped me a lot when i was like feeling like oh i see no difference and i just feel like garbage and and all of this remember you were like take a side by side in that exact outfit you're in because i know you're in it and we were you were in it six months ago and do a comparison and it really did make me feel a lot better i couldn't believe you were still wearing it i couldn't

believe it was like shout out buff bunny for Or making a thing I could wear at 310 pounds and also at 155 pounds. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I think the thing that I've found myself doing more recently, and this is, I think, partly because of where I am in my journey. So I'm two and a half years out. I've been in maintenance for a year and a half. I haven't had plastic surgery. I've like kind of just wrapped up the whole weight loss part of things.

And so for me, comparison to others doesn't happen quite as much anymore. more. But it happens in the way that I compare where I am now to where I think I should be. So I think, oh, I should be working out at the gym more. I should be lifting heavier. I should be running more. And I'm not. I'm only walking this week because I wasn't allowed to run this week.

But I think for me, kind of what you said, Lisa, is when I get down on myself because I'm not as as far along as I think I should be, or I want to be, I have to stop and like take myself back to where I was where a year and a half ago, I couldn't even run 30 seconds without stopping. I lived half a mile from the Metro stop before I had my surgery. And I would drive my car to the Metro stop that half a mile because I couldn't walk with my heavy work bag back and forth every day. It was too much.

And now I can walk the other day, I walked almost 10 miles and could have kept going. I like the only thing stopping me was just, you know, time, life. And it's easy to be like, oh, I, you know, I should have been running that day instead of walking. And then I have to be like, no, that that was incredible what you did.

Like you couldn't have done that two and a half years ago. Right. I think that mindset to like limits you so much, because that's what that's what I talk about with like, if I didn't have 45 minutes, and like time to shower afterward. I was not working out because I felt like it was just like stupid, like not worth it. Yeah. And limiting that to like 20 minutes has made me like so much more consistent.

And the times that I do 20 minutes are like very rare, but I can fit that in any part of my day and it makes such a difference for me. But we're not where we were and we're not where we're gonna be hopefully in six months or a year or whatever. Yeah, and one thing I would say, I wish I could have said this to myself back when I was looking at other people and looking at, you know, people I thought were successful and saying, like, I hope I get there.

I hope I'm on track. I hope I'm on track with what they're doing. I wish I could have said, if you never get there, would you still be happy? And the answer is yes. It wouldn't have mattered if I never got to whatever end goal I thought as long as I made progress and I was better than I started. Yes, I would still be happy. And that's ultimately what matters, right? Is that like, you're happy with your own improvement and changes in quality of life? Yeah, I've been asked that question.

And my answer was very different. You've been asked if you never got there, would you still be happy? In my journey, I've been asked from people like my dietician and my whatever when I'm worried about something and they're like, well, so what? What if you never do? What if that never happens? And my response is, then I will have failed. But what about all of the things that you've already achieved? Does that not count for anything? It totally counts.

And this is not, I'm not saying this is how you should think. Lisa's like, listen, I know that logically this is, yeah, this is a feeling.

When you like hit me with the facts like yeah of course it yeah of course it's huge and you know i beat myself up like you said you couldn't run 30 seconds two and a half years ago neither could i and then i i got mad that my time yesterday on my run wasn't you know better my cadence wasn't better and i did i was like wait you literally just like ran for 30 minutes and did it bear i like i was since i was barely sweating so fun it's so nice to not just be like

filthy after a workout i didn't shower before you guys got here after my run just fyi oh maybe that's what we've been smelling it wasn't okay i actually just had a revelation oh you know i'm sitting here saying i don't compare very much but and maybe it was like a little moment of weakness it was during my liquid diet oh well you can't trust anything on that no i actually i tell people this all the time make your decision about having surgery or not having surgery and

then stick with And don't let it creep back in as a should I have it or should I not have it? Because in those few weeks beforehand, all logic is off the table. But I, I remember so my family goes to Eastern Market like every weekend. It's like my happy place. We like walk or bike or whatever there and the kids get their little pastries and we get coffee and walk around. Yeah.

There was a moment during one of those visits when I was on my liquid diet where I looked at all of the people around me having coffee and walking around with their family and like having their pastries and doing things like that. And I really beat myself up over the fact that I had had to have surgery in order to be like them. I mean, I wanted coffee mostly. I'm about to cry, but like it really was about the coffee, I think.

And then, and also just like existentially, like, how have I gotten to this point? Like, why am I, why am I not able to like have a coffee and a pastry and like, that's it? Or like stop there? Or like what, you know, like what, why, why am I not like them? Like, why am I not like these, all these normal sized people who don't have to be on a liquid diet for five weeks and have like massive surgery? I did find myself comparing to them in an unhealthy way, I think.

What would you tell yourself now? What would you tell that Allie? Eat something solid. Probably first. Also, I think it doesn't matter. It sucked, but it was a minute of my life, right? It's fleeting. And the why behind, like, why am I not like that? Why can't I do what they're doing?

It doesn't matter. I couldn't. So I could choose to wallow in that or I could choose to do something about it, which I did, and kind of hold on to that feeling for when I'm feeling like out of control or like low or whatever.

I don't want to feel that way again. Yeah. Well, I think too, the objective fact is that you have the disease of obesity and they do not. So that's, you can't do anything about that. You have no control over whether or not you have obesity and what you choose to do with that. Yeah. I think you said this a couple of weeks ago, Lisa, like you don't have the answer. I think we were talking about how much of your obesity was like linked to genetics and environment and whatever.

And you're like, I don't really have the answer to that. And actually I don't think I need it. I don't think I need those comparisons. Like I don't think I need to worry about like why they could and I couldn't. I just need to figure out where I am and do something about it. You know, like, and if it bothers me that much that other people can have a coffee and a pastry, like I will get to a point where I can have coffee and a pastry and be fine.

Right. Like I'll be them. There's no like great answer, I don't think, for how to deal with this. Right. Like, yeah, you just have to keep working at it. And we're all human.

You know what I mean? Like as humans, humans weight loss community or not people are making people are comparing themselves in careers and relationships like it's just something that we do and I think being aware of it and shifting like you like you said Ali you're just like no that's just not an option that's not a thing that we're going to do yeah yeah and I think you know. Knowing what works for you, being in tune with, you know, how you're feeling.

And if social media, it can be a place for you to get inspiration and find community. Amazing. If it turns into a place of comparison and it starts to steal your joy, shut it off. It's not real life. Or like retrain it. Like you can find things that do bring you joy on there and only look at those things or like block the things that don't. It'll learn. And I think when you're on a journey like this, it truly is a journey of personal transformation.

And so focusing on that transformation, that's the only comparison that matters because that's the thing that changes your life, that affects your day-to-day life and makes things so different for you. I think if we can leave with one thing, it's that it's okay to be struggling with it. It's okay to not be struggling with it anymore. It's okay to be like worried that other people are whatever. That's all very normal. And you're not alone. Yeah. Well said.

All right. Well, this was a great conversation. I feel like as always, I gain so much even from topics that we have already talked about with each other. I come out learning something more. So I hope you guys have also found some value in this as well. And we hope we'll see you back next week. Music.