Ep 331: Burial Ground.

Hi, hi, hi, hi. Coming in strong. Coming in hot. Coming in hot. Here we go. Here we go. Welcome. Welcome, listeners. Welcome to Forever Midnight. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Back in the saddle. Back. God. Josh is riding side saddle. I have one leg up. One leg, 90 degrees. Nuts are resting gently. Nobody move. Nobody get hurt. Fucking fragile. Everyone's tuning in for the nut update, so let's hear it. The nut date. Weekend nut date with Forever Midnight. None of your business. None of your business.

Don't worry. They're fine. Just tell that to my nervous system. Everything's fine. I fell in a hole. Then I threw my back out. And now I'm fucked for life, apparently. And those aren't jokes. That's real. That's real. That's real. Real problems. But it's funny when you say it fell in the hole because I picture you like all the way in a hole. It's like disappeared into the earth.

He's halfway into his grave right now. That's all. No big deal. I fell in a six feet deep hole. Yeah. And I laid down and someone put a flower in my hands and my ghost came out. Covered me up. If only. If only my ghost. came out that means i'd be at rest but i am in i'm at pain my ghost came out last night i returned after the video was done

Oh, man. And you and I have been sick. Sick is a fucking dog. Like, we've been out for a minute, y'all. Fucking sniffling and coughing and hacking and hawking. And I appreciate the forthcoming, like, guys, I am sick. Would you like to get sick? We can record an episode if you want to get sick. Everyone's like, no, thanks. Yeah, I think we're pretty good these days about being fairly respectful. Yeah, it's nice to check.

you know, we're firing on all cylinders here. This is going to be a hot episode because we're in good shape. As long as I don't jar anything loose or even sit, as long as no one moves this rocking chair that my leg's resting on, I'm cool. Yeah. Don't make Josh laugh too hard. Please. I can't take it.

Don't worry, I won't say anything funny. I can't take it. I promise. I guarantee this. Welcome to Forever Midnight, a joyful discussion of horror in cinema with your hosts, Jeff Olvern, Josh Staples, and... and Bryan Henderson. 11.55. Almost midnight. Enough time for one more story. One more story before twelve.

Just to keep us warm. Hi, guys. Yeah. I'm glad to see you guys, no matter what shape you're in. Yeah. Yeah, you too. I feel like, yeah, the shape I'm in now is like, it's always going to be about 75%. It's never going to be, I'm never, I'm not going to see a hundred again. That's what I'm thinking too. That was for my thirties. That was for maybe my forties even. Oh no, my leg still hurts. My back's jacked and I have to move slowly. Is that?

Just how I am. Three weeks ago, I was Carefree running around like a fool. Running up these stairs, running down these stairs. Just running around. Running right into a hole in the earth. Disappearing. Do you guys... You've heard before, like it's fucking wild to me, but like those like crazy, like fucking sinkholes that just open up. Yeah. But like I was reading, I mean, there's multiple accounts of them, but there was like fully like a house that just disappeared and with people in it gone.

right couldn't find bodies couldn't find people That's crazy. Just disappear. Yeah, okay. Probably in the Earth, I'm guessing. What's that? Probably in the Earth. If you look deep enough in the Earth... Yeah, yeah, totally. But, like, they gave up. They went so deep and they gave up looking. Like, that's how deep those people went. Like, that's fucking...

Fingers crossed they're okay. Yeah. They're not okay. They got fucking their ass on a fucking devil spike in hell. Either that or they're riding a fucking T-Rex through middle earth. Yeah, that's probably what's happening. Probably some sweet morgue. Morlocks came and gave him food. I love the Morlocks. They're so nice. Yeah, they're super cool. From what I remember from the movie, which is nothing. You hear a crazy noise. You look out. Your neighbor's house is gone.

What happened to Todd? And then you're just like, poor Todd. Poor Todd. We don't know. And you just look at the hole and just keeps going. Yeah. Todd, Todd is. Todd might still be falling. Yeah. You know what? Todd saved us, dodged a bullet because I was about to eat fucking Todd. That's true. We've talked a lot about Todd's... Delicious Todd. That's what we call him around here. Long Todd. Tasty Todd. Tasty Todd. Well, we have another fine...

Sponsor to celebrate. I love it. Sponsor. Yeah, yeah. Our friend Marty at Play It by Fear is a purveyor of all kinds of physical media, VHS tapes, CDs, cassettes, you name it. All kinds of other fun stuff. Toys and shit. be buying shit from every time we come across his table at a con. Always buying something. He's got the coolest table at nearly every convention and he's got a lot going on this month actually. Yeah. He just finished up the Milwaukee Metal Fest at the rave.

which is such, I bet that was sick. Yeah. And then coming up this weekend, as we speak, as we're speaking to you, if you are in the Texas area, fucking hit up Texas Frightmare. Hit up Marty. Play it by fear. He'll have the dopest table with all the VHS and everything. Yeah. It's got tons of shit. When we set up a table at a convention, we do the rounds, we visit Marty, we fill a bag up, and then...

For the rest of the convention, we go visit Marty and fill up that bag to the brim. Yeah. So, yeah, definitely check him. It's May 23rd through the 25th, Texas Frightmare. He'll be there slanging all the goodness. Tell him we sent you. Yeah. Please do. And visit.

He's going to actually also be at Monsterpalooza May 30th through June 1st. That's right. In Pasadena. First of all, that show is amazing. It's huge. It's one of the fucking best shows around. Hit him up there and you will not be sorry. I can't keep telling people. of ghoulies to VHS from Marty.

Treasure. Nuff said. Treasure. So. How do we find him on Instagram, Brian? You can find him on Instagram at playitbyfear.33. And he's down for trades. He's down to help you out finding titles and stuff. So hit him up if you're looking.

for something in particular, or if you just want to do some trades and stuff, he's also always down to buy collections and things like that. He resells and sells. So hit him up. Tell him we sent you. Hit him up. Drop him a line. See if that thing you've been looking for forever, he might have it. Yep. Yeah. Great dude. at playitbyfear.33 on Instagram and check them out at the conventions. Hell yeah.

All righty then. Very nice. What are we doing here? I'm going to go to sleep. You're going to go night-night? Rest those nuts, boy. Sweet baby boy. You can't sleep yet. I want to talk about my pick this week. Okay, I'm awake. I'm awake for this.

You fucking creepy weirdo with your pics. With your Italian pics. This one has been living... Even though I haven't seen it, it's still been somehow living rent-free in my brain for a while. It's been creeping and lurking and jerking. We have so many versions of this on these shelves. We got VHS tapes, DVDs, Blu-rays. We got them all. And again, I haven't watched any of them in hopes that we would watch it together. And that still didn't get to happen because we were all fucking sick.

But we got to finally watch it. Yeah. And the only reason this movie is dog shit. It is fucking dog shit. I'm glad I didn't have to say it. Thank God. But it is the tippy top best dog shit on the top of the zombie Italian movie. It is the freshest, stinkiest dog shit. Yeah, the tastiest, stinkiest dog shit in the Italian zombie. Why do you always taste it? You don't have to taste it. If you smell it, you taste it. But no, seriously, like...

There's a few factors that make this rise to the tippy top. I know exactly what you're going to say. And this guy can't even reach the tippy top. I was like, why did... why did Brian pick this shit again? And then, and then cue this character. And then I'm like, Oh, this is exactly right. Mother. Mommy. Holy fuck. So.

Get a kid's voice. You know it's not a real person's voice. Get a child's voice. We're getting right into it, huh? Just get right to that. Really, though, firstly, this movie, on paper, is every other zombie movie.

Italian flick you've ever seen. It fits nicely between all of every dumb It is a drop in the Italian zombie sea. Yeah. Because it is just so typically Italian. Made on pennies. Sex first. Ask questions later. Everyone in these movies, all porno actors. If you look at the other movies they did, I don't talk about every actor, even the little one.

All porno. Fuck, you can tell too because even their sounds of agony sound like pornos. I actually want to play a clip. Let's play a clip. Is this sex or agony? That's the game we're playing.

Have we talked about what movie this is? Sex? We haven't. Barrel Ground. They looked at the episode description. Let's play a quick trailer. Then we'll listen to your sex sounds. Okay. This is Michael. He loves sleeping. He loves peeping. He loves exercise, fashion. And he knows what death smells like. And he loves his mommy to death. The Knights of Terror. From cult Italian director Andre Bianchi. Starring Peter Bark. Sir Peter Bark. Miguel Bark.

Michael Peters, Peter Barkey, and Little Peter Barkey. Also starring Peter Bark. Due to extreme horror, gore. horror, sexual situations, extreme photography, bear trap violence, incestuousness, and violent breastfeeding. Viewer discretion is strongly advised. No one younger than Peter Bark will be admitted to see Burial Ground, the Knights of Terror. Michael, his bite is worse than his bark. Burial ground, the nights of terror.

Okay. Okay. Now, sex or... Agony or ecstasy? What is it? Let's see here. That's Josh. It's too high def for your... Sex? That sounds like sex. Or agony. Sex? That's sex. Brian, any ideas? I say ecstasy, not agony. I'm going to say agony. That is agony, my friends. What? What is that? That's my ecstasy. Is that agony? That is still agony. There's pretty much only agony in the movie. But, like, it's nonstop that. Like, I...

I'm deaf. I was playing this at full volume in my house. My neighbors must think I was just watching pornography. Like, good morning, porno. Good morning, porno. Good morning. Good morning. How about some porno? So, I mean, just like nonstop sex sounds for this entire movie. I must look like the biggest perv. Well, and also the fucking... My wife's in the other room hearing me fucking watch this shit. Insanely upbeat jazz music does not lend itself to a horror movie either.

More of a porno movie. I like the music in this movie. No, the music's fun, but it definitely is not your normal soundtrack to a zombie film. And I don't know if I should be having a boner watching someone get killed like that. It's like, why am I turned on right now? This isn't right. Yes. There is like something, and I don't mean to be generalizing these Italian movies, but all of them suck. No, that's not what I'm trying to say. All of them are like...

There's no rhyme or reason to why they all exist on the piggyback of Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Yeah. They all exist because Zombie and Zombie 2... That's the only reason. Because they're like, oh, well, the world now is zombies. And so now all these movies just take place. They're all just faking being a part of those movies. They borrow heavily.

From scenes to kills to all kinds, you know. Yeah. I wish it was in the money department for making the zombies, but. Oh, Lord. I'll tell you, the blood was pretty good. Less pink than I'm used to. I don't remember the blood even. But still not pink. Not pink. Not hammer pink. Italian red. It was nice, deep, profundo rosso.

I mean, so we open this movie up, though, and there's this bearded fucking dude, and he's two minutes into this fucking thing, and he's chiseling on one thing and knocking zombies loose on the next. And we're literally, I clocked it two minutes in, we get zombies. I know, it doesn't waste anything. Anytime at all. It's just right away. And the whole movie is just so much zombies walking slowly towards the camera. Yeah.

I was like, wow, okay, what else are we going to do? Oh, nothing else in the whole movie? Oh, they've developed tools already. They know how to use tools. They've got teamwork now. They've got teamwork. They can throw, I don't know, a fucking nail into a hand with precision. They're able to. I can't do that.

These are special zombies. They all come from the potato sack factory or something. The art tunic factory. What is these outfits that they're all... It looks like an art studio for, like, three-year-olds. Each one of them fell in, like, a different earth-tone tempera paint.

And one of them has all the paint spilled on him because he was the one painting everyone up. Yeah. Whoopsie. Yeah. And like. And it's like, oh, I just spilled wax on my face. I'm a zombie. They have like a combination of like, I'm a normal dude with a couple splotches to I am a clay pie.

yeah I am like and the clay piles are ghastly because you're like that's more of probably what like a corpse would look like like a fucking they actually would look so sick if it was nighttime and there's like some shadows on their face you couldn't quite see everything but it's daytime right at mid-afternoon yeah fucking

things you can see every little inch of it it seems so weird to have that choice where you're just like yeah whatever broad daylight we're gonna show every nook and cranny of these horrible makeups but in the dark they would actually be kind of frightening some of them

for sure the thing is too because like some of them have that weird little fake plastic eye or two uh and they're like all sometimes we'll have like sprinkled of real maggots on them real straight up earthworms yeah yeah that's fun i like that again also from fucking zombie right

From Zombie 1. Absolutely, yeah. Famously. Or is that considered Zombie 2? I think it's called Zombie, They're Going to Eat You, because we all know that. But in Italy, that's Zombie 2 because Dawn of the Dead is Zombie 1. Right. And so they're, you know.

Because it's also known, the Knights of Terror, it's called. Right. Yeah, it doesn't say burial ground anywhere in the Italian version. Right, right. Well, I've always, I've truly loved this cover since I was a child. Oh, there's a, yeah. The artwork, imagine if, like, to me it looks like... you sculpted a zombie head and now you're going to mold it. But instead they're like, no, just put that sculpt on this guy's face. Yeah. Like it's soft.

It's soft and it's like maybe getting bigger because it's melting. Teeth shouldn't be three inches long like that. What are you doing? There's things where you see like... People that are jerky people. Let's call them the jerky people. Sure. That are not quite skeletons, but they're on their way. And there's parts of this I think are ghastly. Like when they have the demons that are like a one eye and then there's a few that I'm like, oh.

That's fucked. There's Boris Karloff. That's so funny. There's like, put some cornflakes on that Frankenstein mask and call it a day. I like Boris Karloff because he's unique. Yeah. And I like, there's the one, there's a few that are like, you see a lot of. Yeah, yeah.

They sure as hell didn't give Jack Pierce any credit in the fucking making of this movie. I don't think you'd want the credit. Jesus Christ. These things look so bad. Leave my name off. You ever do that where you ever have, have you ever designed something? for somebody where you're like i've designed a lot of album covers people they're like

And the process is so convoluted. They're like, make it look uglier. Make it look stupider. Do these stupid things instead of the things you're doing. Make it look shitty. And then like, oh, don't forget to put your name on it. I'm like, you know what? Hard pass. It's fine. You pulled a director.

what is it what's the fucking name Alan Smithy on a couple punk rock records that I designed and I'm like that's cool though don't worry I don't want to take away from you got the attention is yours but Dick Smithy is a sick graphic artist you're stoked on Dick Smithy Dick Smithy Diggie Smithy. Diggie Smithy. Yeah. But, oh my god.

There's almost a point where these zombies are almost so stylized that they actually are like, oh, that's kind of different. It's its own world in a way. It's its own thing. Yeah, these are so stupid looking that it's...

Unlike any other zombies. At least they're coordinated in their outfits. They all wear these crazy Uggs too. Do you see the weird boots they're wearing? I was not checking the zombies' food in this. I'm sorry. I've watched this twice because we watched it all a week ago and then we couldn't record. And I could, I like seriously like download.

and forgot about this fucking movie. So I had to watch it again last night. And then you remember that there's actually nothing to it. There's actually zero plot, zero story. You didn't have to watch it again. There is one thing that happens in this whole fucking movie. So we start off with Professor Beard. he's like I know the secret it's incredible

I can't believe it. That's it. Also, the overdubbing is the most atrocious I've ever seen in a movie. Always. The most atrocious. Some of the worst. So then he goes right back to the cave. If he knows a secret, which is the dead are rising, which is, I imagine that's what the secret he knows. Right. Why'd you go back? Well, because he's like, I'm your friend. He knows he woke them up. Right. And then he was like, no, no, no, I'm your buddy.

I helped you. I disturbed your eternal rest. I'm like, I'm your homie. Like, no, you are my snack. Yeah, yeah. Because again... It's a zombie that just want to eat flesh, right? Yeah. Again, yeah. I mean, it's fine. I am a fan of zombie movies. Why do I hate it? I actually like it. But one thing that makes me so mad is that they didn't put any thought into motivations.

characters nothing what are those what are those things all these random rich people showing up three three couples it's just a fuck fest three horny couples yeah like a kid air quotes kid yeah yeah which like but again like you okay like

Obviously, these two other couples came just specifically to fuck and then maybe do some work. Yeah, who doesn't want to fuck in a castle, right? Of course. I get it. I get it. What is anybody there for? Fuck in a castle. What do you mean by work? What do you mean? Like the one guy's like writing something. He's like, I want to go down the street.

Scribble with my scribbles. What's a photographer, right? Right. Oh, yeah. That scene. Oh, yeah. I love that scene, of course, as a photographer. Yeah. Where she falls in a hole and is like, ah, it's my ankle. She's Josh. She's Josh falling down. And then that's what I'm going to say. Hold it right there.

let me take your photo as you're like your ankles bent back and you're like I read this I watched this movie within my broken state I feel you girl I feel you I love that because I feel like I've done that where like models like been in a kind of uncomfortable position and they're like, can I get up? I'm like, no, no, hold on. And I'm like, yeah. When is your ankle ever going to bend that way again? Keep it. Don't move it back yet. But yeah, that whole scene is very funny.

But these people, those things are secondary. They came to fuck in a castle.

Yes. Homie's got this rich asshole has a house. Yeah. Everyone's there just to fuck in this dude's house. Mostly torso, that guy. He's got such a weird body. And he's fucking this lady who has this weird fucking... weirdo of a weird fucking weird kid.

He is an odd duck. This is the real villain of the movie. All the scares come from this kid. And the only reason to watch this movie. The only reason to watch it. The scariest part of the whole fucking movie is this kid, from the jump, this kid. Who looks like... if Dario Argento fucked Harold from Harold and Maude and squirted out a mini-me.

That's this. It is as if some terrible fucking sculptor made a Dario Argento ventriloquist dummy for your ass. And then with a replete with bowl cut and Google eyes. And also the creepy...

The Creepy 2. Don't forget, Dario Argento's a fucking creep. We all know him. He's a creep. He's an amazing artist. He's a full-blown sociopath creep. And I believe this... kid is as well yeah I mean this 30 year old man that's playing a 10 year old child there is no hiding this kid's age did they even try but he's so tiny like he doesn't sound like a kid they didn't dress him like a kid like what kid is wearing High-heeled boots and a turtleneck and a fucking... Mommy. Mother.

I like titty, Mom. I like the breast in my mouth, Mother. Like, Dom, seriously. No hire a kid. Who's buying this? No one's buying that this is a child. I mean, granted, when they first show them at the dinner table in that morning... Dude is tight. I mean, I clocked him when they walked in. Yeah, totally. But you could do that almost like... Just wear high-heeled boots for a child. When Martin Short played that kid in Clifford, it's very similar where he could look...

You're almost like, can I buy this? But he actually is that tall. But the thing about it, he's not proportioned like other little people. His proportions are all that of a big person's. And it's crazy. You love the optical illusion of seeing a grown man at a small size. Like Lord of the Rings style. This is how this came to be. I saw... a few stills, not even moving pictures, a few stills of this Google-eyed freak. And I was like... Nice! Nice! Sensitive!

I know, but I thought Freak before I knew he was a little person. I'm not saying he's a freak because he was a little person, because he's not. Because you saw him without people around him. I saw him in bed, popping his eyes, which that scene is amazing. And it's like five minutes into the movie, she opens the door.

He's a quote unquote asleep. And then she closes the door and he's like, and that weird music. I thought he was like, I, cause I hadn't seen this movie yet. I was like, Oh, is it supernatural? Is he have some kind of fucking.

powers because that music would it looks like make you think patrick yeah that scene especially he's a creep yeah i'm the jump i mean there's you couldn't get more creep out of anyone here's what i think and then you find out he's a little person supposed to be a 10 year old boy or something

That just makes everything so disturbing in this movie. Well, because there's scenes that they couldn't have hired a kid to do. I know, but no one's buying this for a fucking second. It's just disturbing the relationship because, like, that's a weird 30-year-old man, like, holding on to this woman. Mommy! Mommy! Here's the thing.

It's fucked. I'm sorry. It's fucked. Dude, it kept me enthralled. Riveted. I think here's the thing. It kept me suckling the whole time. Locked in. Yeah. I think that, like, here's the backstory that we don't see. that they should have spelled out is that she's with this guy that the mom's with is a new guy. He's a new dad. He's a new stepdad. What he doesn't know is that she's been this kid's mom for 35 years. Right, right, right.

And she doesn't want to ever let him grow up. Yeah. It's like that case of that Natalia where they don't know how old. So that guy comes in and he's like, what? He's what? 10? Yeah. Maybe 12? No, dude's 32. He's like, yeah, 10. Here's the thing, but we know from key pieces of dialogue that he suckled on the teat. So she knows that he's 35.

Yeah. She's like, I never, you're my baby forever. You are forever my baby. Who the fuck in the world thinks this thing is 10 years old? This dude has the high turtleneck and he's like gold chains on it. He dresses like a man. He's got a fucking anchor tat.

Dude. Peter Bark. It's Peter Bark, although his name is Pietro Barcosilli or some shit. Peter Bark is what they call him? He goes by Peter Bark is his stage name. What? What do you mean goes as in he's still alive? He's still alive. I watched an interview with him. He's unbelievably creepy. He actually is less creepy now, if you can believe it. I can't. Because he's got a mustache? Come on, tell me. Dude, first of all, I have to show you guys a clip that I saved from...

the interview because it also is a piece of trivia that is amazing and incredible and also kind of like goes with forever midnight. Okay. Okay. But, um, yeah. So his, his real name is Pietro Barzocchini or Chini.

Barzacini, okay. Barzacini. But he goes by Peter Bark as his like... Stage name. Yeah. So if you look up Peter Bark, you find more stuff than if you try to find his like... Wow. He used to... in the 80s no okay this is fun this is some this is some fucking well porno's fun too that's funner the funnest but we're not there so this is the second funnest uh he used to be a dancer for this like

80s singer in Italy. Oh, I'm in. I love it. Yeah. He had a fucking talk about flock of seagulls. Homeboy was fucking flock of zombies on his fucking dome piece. Wait a minute. So this movie is 1981 or 1980. Do you have footage of this fool dancing? Oh, hell yes. Yes. Oh, hell yes. Yes. Wow, guys. Listeners, you get to listen to us watch videos for a while.

All speed passes, but we can talk. Folks, I encourage you all to look it up yourselves and watch along with us. There's a rad interview. It's all in Italian, but it's got subtitles. But his voice isn't very creepy. And really, he actually... He looks far less creepy than he looked in this movie. The voice, it makes it creepier. Yeah. And he actually doesn't seem like a creep at all. He actually just seems like a dude. That's just great acting? Yeah. Oh, he looks like a normal ass dude.

Oh, there he is. Oh. Holy fuck. Oh my god. You can't remember her name? Yeah, they're like... Wow. Rad. Did it overdoge her actual singing performance, too? I guess. Is everything in Italy overdubbed? I feel like I've been to Italy a couple times. I feel like I walk around and everyone's overdubbed. There's not actual any audio in Italy. It all has to be fucking dubbed in later.

In somewhere else. Yeah. It would be so funny if you had a Google Translate app that translated things only into full-on Italian movie translate voice. Hey, don't look in my eye! Mama! I like the breast mama when I was a young one. Let me on. This cloth smells like death. Mama. Oh my God. Mama. What do you know what death smells like, you fucking creep? Well, he's been around for 35 fucking years. And he's killed before. I know the smell of death, mama. Yeah. Yo.

Dude, boom. Impressive. Every suitor prior. Yep, yep. And also help fucking throw this guy. They got a whole thing going, man. This dude's like, I'm just going to live off this guy. I don't have to go to school. I don't have to go to work. I just suck on the teat. Mama, I got us a new mansion. I killed Stuart or whatever his fucking name was. He's so weird looking. That guy, when they show him in the sex scene, which is...

Right off the bat also, we see Michael in bed. She checks on Michael and it clicks. As soon as these eyes pop, it goes to the scene with the dude and the Mr. Mustache and the chick in the room. And she's got some found lingerie. And she's fucking giving him a show. And he's calling her a whore and all this stuff. And it's like, whoa, tiger. And this is five minutes into this movie. I know. It's great. You get zombies.

attacks already and there's no fucking around yeah you know what they're doing you're right there's a considerable amount of fucking around but not from the start not from the start they get it yeah right off the bat but then it's just kind of more of the

same for another hour sort of i mean until until the big scene yeah i mean like whenever we get peter bark on screen which unfortunately is only 10 minutes to this entire goddamn movie there's a super cut for you people that don't want to have it and just want to watch Only Peter Bark. The Bark Cut? The Bark Cut. And it's 10 minutes long. And it's on YouTube. That's the version I want to see. Because that's the only parts I care about at all. Oops, all Bark. Exactly. The all Bark Cut.

Otherwise, it's the most boring. It's so lame. It's such a dumb zombie movie. There's no point to it. There's no arc. There's nothing. Run away. Leave this place. There's 12 zombies. They're all in tunics. They're going fucking slow. Sure, there might be a couple more monks that are actually just ones that have just put different tunics on. I bet these fools could drive a car together if they wanted to. I just wanted to be like...

Let me talk to them through a megaphone real quick, through the past. Y'all have cars. Exactly. There are three cars. You own the cars. You drive the cars. They're your cars. You have the keys. Get in the car and go. Yeah. It's the most simple, like, there's no gate. Yeah. Get in the car. Go. Yeah. It's so stupid. And instead they walk away with broken legs.

There's a weird bear trap scene where the girl gets her leg cut. It's in a beautiful garden. Yeah, why is there a bear trap there? What is that doing there? And then again, I'm like, oh, her foot's gone. That's a cute girl trap. It is because... A real bear trap? She's not getting her foot back. Oh yeah, there's no way. They take her boot off and there's a fucking bruise.

Like it's nothing. But she's like walking around like she's got a broken leg the whole time. Let's hear from her real quick. How's she doing? How's that bear trap? Yeah, she's doing all right. She's doing good. Oh, it's killing me. With love, with sex. Wow. The bear trap thing doesn't make any goddamn sense, except for it's a way for the zombies to catch up.

Because they are fucking slow. So slow. So slow. The camera just takes their time just watching. Hey, let's have just a couple walk pass. It's real slow, like, for 10 minutes. I like, they're fucking... And the girl sees... The one coming up from the planter box. Wait, so that one was buried in the garden? I guess. It doesn't make any sense. Why? They're all...

six inches under the ground. And there's a rest that were in the crypt. They're like walking around, coming out and stuff. For the first big part of the movie, they're like, what are they?

and then like later on he's like it's a zombie or he's like you need to kill them by shooting them in the head and now i am a marksman and right off the balcony and fucking shooting every you know i like it when they were smashing them with like pipes and shit like when their heads were actually exploding like dusty fucking clay yeah i did like that mama throw paint on a mama I'm on fire. But you're fun. A fire stun any time is fun. It's fun, but why would that kid know that?

You're supposed to be 10? Yeah. How the fuck would he know anything about that? Yeah, burning suitors. I know. I mean, the real reason I know is why he is with us. Burn him like we burnt Uncle Todd that one time. Fuck, dude. Do you know that the same place where they filmed this was the one from the new movie with Sidney Sweeney, Immaculate?

That's pretty sick. Jesus Christ. Making a fucking movie in Italy must be amazing if you have access to fucking castles. It's nuts. I think everyone thinks that and then...

Do you have Empire Pictures? And then you're like, well, the place isn't going to make your movie. Sure, it's cheap. Sure, life is cheap. Sure, everyone's going to be hooking your... bra down when you're not looking at it i'm sorry i think i think there's probably a lot of problems in the 70s and 80s making these italian zombie movies with a fucking with the leering fucking creep yeah

And it's weirder when you have a 10-year-old leering creep. It makes you be like, wait, what the fuck? I know he's not 10, but they want us to believe he's 10. Right. Get off the boob. I don't...

The one thing they actually did right in this movie, because everything else just happens. There's nothing going on here. But the one... thing they wrote it's the creepiest thing the kid wanting to suck on his mom's he's 10 years old or whatever how old he's supposed to be I need your comfort but he's also trying to grab her crotch he's fucking going in he's like trying to finger her and like get back inside I don't like yeah dude it takes her plenty of time to be like don't

The one plot point they have. Why? Who wrote this fucking thing? Well, yeah. This incestual weirdo. Yeah. But the thing is, this kid, man. And that weirdness is what separates it from every other... Italian horrible zombie movie. I guess. Yeah. Who else is going to go here? It's memorable and it's, and it's, it's got this cult following because of the one particular scene with him at the end. And.

whatever other scenes he's in also because they're all fucking creepy and weird even when he's getting eaten alive or whatever. Why didn't they dress him like a kid? At the very least. Why didn't they? Yeah, why did he just get his clothes? I thought he was kind of dressed like a kid, but an 80s Italy kid? No way.

Is that? I don't know. There's no way a kid dresses like that. Although I kind of dress like that in the U.S. I kind of did. Hike my fucking jeans up to my nips. With the big old turtleneck and the big old high heel boots. When I was a little youngster, my parents bought me turtlenecks all the time. Yeah, I had turtlenecks. Oh, my God. And my pants were...

Dude, oh yeah. All kids were the lamest in the 70s. It was that, or dude, I got photos of me meeting Frankenstein at Universal Studios wearing a tank top, tiny, tiny short shorts. Dude, that's what I'm picturing. And cowboy boots.

Fuck yeah. Okay. That was when you got to pick your clothes that day. So that's the kind of shit I'm picturing is the little shorts and the tank tops and the fucking... Yeah. Yeah. But maybe in Italy, I don't know. And some socks up to your fucking knees. Sure, sure. That's what I'm picturing. But in Italy, you think... I mean, when I think of Italy, I think of fancy... Fancy lads. Yeah. Fancy pants and fancy shoes. Turtleneck and a bowl cut.

There's nothing great with a great combo. You are set. You're dressed up. The fruits of Italy. I'm not buying it, man. I'm not buying this as a kid. Look at that fucking stupid movie with the... Conjuring movie. When they went to England, all the kids had bowl cuts and fucking turtlenecks. Everyone had a bowl cut and a turtleneck. And I did. I had the same fucking bowl cut, but I was wearing Cali boots and short shorts. My shirt was like Ernie's shirt.

Ernie's and Bert's. I was like Bert's shirt. Stupid. Everyone dressed like a fucking dumb shit in the 70s. I know it because I dressed like that myself. 100%. Yeah. Full goon. 100%. Okay. Oh, it's school photo day. I stand corrected then. I have a flowery button-up shirt and a vest. Yeah. I mean, you're lucky enough, Jeff, that you were just born in a better generation, so you're dressing cooler than us. We were, yeah.

I got a photo of me on a horse, and I look like a fucking idiot. Clown town. Two front teeth missing, blonde bowl cut, some kind of stupid shirt that says fucking Puma on it, like a dip fuck. My favorite shirt that I wear back then, it said, I operate on blood, guts, and determination, and the occasional candy bar.

That was my fucking shirt. You guys are so fly. I had to have you hugged your dog today shirt with a picture of me on it like a kid hugging a giant St. Bernard. I've never even seen a St. Bernard in real life. This day. Oh, my God. You guys were so tight. I love it. The lamest. What's so funny, though, in this movie is that no one else pays this fucking kid any attention. These people are like, oh, this kid's upstairs. I don't care. I'm going to fuck right here.

Like in the yard. I'm fucking in the yard. I hope he sees. Fucking 35 year old Michael might see me. Whatever. But throw a bear trap out there. It's all good. Anything goes around here. I'm like, yeah, I'm like these people like also this lady has a vision.

Because there's weird paranormal shit just fucking thrown into this thing like they're throwing pasta into a fucking pot. But there was no... You don't see her vision. She just talks about it the whole time. Yeah. Out of nowhere, because we've never been introduced at all to these other people. She shows up just...

just fucking yammering about a fucking vision. And he's like, shut up, darling. They're going to think you're nuts. And then they fucking go down to breakfast. And it's like, dude, you had a vision and it came true and you're still just chill and going to go fuck in the yard.

That's insanity. Is this the same woman that was like moaning the entire fucking movie? Yeah, they had her ankle in a fucking bear trap. She never stopped moaning. Once she started, she couldn't stop. And if anybody would be... advising to use the car. It should be the one with the fucking busted ankle. Yeah. Put me in an automobile. I can't walk. Have we forgotten that we drive?

She stopped using words afterwards. Just all moans. All moaning. What are you trying to say, babe? It's killing me. Everything okay? Every time that like... any zombies chomping on somebody like

I want it to be better. I want it to be gorier. Like they start pulling the one, especially like the monks, they grab the duty. It almost looks like the choke on them scene. Like it almost did a T to a point. Yeah. And then they just blow it because they couldn't do what Romero and Savini did. Yeah, there's no pulling that off. But it's like, so they're just like, oh, no, I got a joke on him. I'm just pulling this guy. What are they eating, too? Are they really eating like a...

Oh, some of them look like real pieces of like livers and fucking just been like, and then some of them are going so like that lady, Leslie that kills Michael. And she's at the bathtub, and she's just chomping away on some piece of actual real animal something. Same with the beardy professor guy. When he comes back, he straight up has guts in his mouth. Intense times in his mouth, yeah. And they're just chomping. They're so happy to be chomping, and they're just going to town.

I think you could tell someone were, like, not happy with Happy to Chomp. Now, Leslie looked fucking, like, she was, I'm like, you were literally... And figuratively chewing up this scene. Like, you are going way too hard. Way harder than you need to go, honey. But I do love her getting her head smashed because she killed her.

the chick's son and she's like getting her head smashed and just ice cream's pouring into the tub from her head. What the ice cream. Melted ice cream. And give me a couple thonks. If you're going to bonk a head on a tub, give me a thonk, thonk, thonk, thonk, thonk, thonk, thonk, thonk. Give me some. Give me some noises. Like, what are you... Foley was asleep. Oh, dude. But that's because, again, it's like so many of these Italian movies where the overdub, and they'll be...

Horribly overdubbed voices on everything. And then... occasionally you'll get some weird-ass sound effect where they're like, I don't know, we'll put a clank of this fucking thing. And it's like, why that? It's mostly just like echoey foot sounds. Yeah. And it's like, why would you put some... Put some thongs in the thong. You know, do something. I don't need to fucking hear the clanging of the silverware or whatever. Yeah, or the same glass breaking sound a thousand times. Jesus fuck.

Dude. Miserable. This was a piece of shit movie, but man, that kid, that little person is unbelievable. The character, the actor they hired to play this character is something else, man. But tell me you weren't like, it's like a train wreck. You can't look away. Like it kept me like, dude, we've watched so many shitty movies recently and forever in this podcast. And like, I seriously, like I couldn't fall asleep.

Even if I wanted to. I was too jacked up on seeing what this little creep was going to do. I had to see what this guy was going to do. And then I was like, oh shit, is he going to be a fucking zombie? And we get this... Incredible, like probably the best of any Italian zombie movie thing because it's zombie creep, little guy nibbling on mama titty. Ripping titty meat. Ripping the tit off, yeah. Titty meat city. I mean, that's what, like, really, again.

just watch the fucking all bark cut. Cause you're going to see that. And he really like put his mouth around a fucking tit. And then you see that for real. And then they pull away and obviously it's a fake. Yeah. He was grabbing a crotch. He was grabbing titties. He was getting action. Of course that's why you hired a grown man to play this role.

But it's supposed to be a kid. It just upped the creep factor for me more than if it was just a kid. There's this movie like, I want to think that all movies are art in a way. But this movie... They are. I want to think it because it's true because everyone has an artistic vision. It's collaborative. Everyone's doing so much work and it's everyone's capturing images and doing all the things that art is. But there's also a certain level of depravity that I can stomach.

And I enjoy. Yeah. That's why we're doing this show. That's why we've done it for 11, 12 years now. Because I enjoy depravity and I enjoy the fucking. And everyone listening is in the same boat. Yeah. And everyone's in the same boat, but there's a certain thing here. I'm like, you know what? This is a, like, you've crossed a line. This is not for anybody. Like, I want to see a child. Yeah.

put his hand up his mom's skirt and then rip her titty meat off. But it's not a child. Don't worry, it's not a child. But it's supposed to be a child. I don't know which is worse. I don't know which is worse. And I'm like... questioning the ethics of it, going like, I fucking hope no one walks in and watches me watch this movie. Thank God I was in a fucking deathbed. All my neighbors heard me watching this movie.

I had headphones in. No one's ever going to catch me watching this movie. Promise. Thousands of people know I watched it. Twice, maybe, some of it. But I... I'm not going to tell you whether I liked it. It's none of your business. Josh took a turn. I don't review it. I decline to review. I don't want to incriminate myself.

I hated most of it, I'll tell you that much. It's fucking slow and boring. It's a nothing movie. It's like a Benny Hill skit where everyone's running around chasing each other, but they're walking at a fucking snail's pace around a castle. In daylight.

Yeah, I understand. Waxy-ass zombie faces. It's essentially the 70s, so the slowness of it all... These were new movies to people. The goriness of these zombie movies was relatively new within a five-year window. And I like that it's slow and the...

the creeping dread and all the things. I'm fine with it, but it's boring as shit. Yeah. And it's stupid to look at. Like, you're like, God damn it. Like you got, you did this to yourself. You all played yourself. Yeah. Anyone that died in this movie fucking deserves it.

Dude, but okay, like there is a couple scenes that are kill scenes that I think are of note and are fun. They make no fucking sense because all of a sudden these fucking zombies are using tools and are all armed. I love the teamwork.

That's my favorite part. When they're handing out fucking weapons to each other. And then they all work together to use the fucking... The barricade. The battering ram. Yeah, the battering ram. Yeah, all together. They've got like five, ten zombies all working together. So we have... Love it. This scene... I love this scene because it is... It's gory and it's crazy, but it's so stupid. But like...

You have the maid who gets curious and she pokes her head over the balcony and you get fucking, she gets a nail thrown into her hand perfectly. Like a fucking ninja. Ninja fucking precision. Into her hand. So she's stuck. Then there is one zombie down below with a big scythe. And he's like, I want the head. So he starts.

Somehow it's long enough to go all the way up and over her head. Like he's tripping a tree. Yeah, and just pulls down and it comes her head. And I love that. They are so good at throwing shit precision. They're doing this, yet they fumble her fucking head like idiots. They can't catch her fucking head.

coming down and it's like well what's happening you know there's snaps it's not firing like they used to but they put that fucking be through the thing i'm like dude they're firing good right there or that guy maybe that one that guy yeah that they that's an olympic

That's like the window. It's like a comedy window. Like if you look out this window, you're going to die. Like a woman got her pet pulled through there and she died. And then the guy looks down the hallway and he's like, hey, whatever. And she looks like she's just bending out looking out the window because it's all her ass.

in her back and it looks like she's looking out the window. And that's how fucking the kid gets it because he's like over by the window looking at the blood and he gets it there. That window is like a moth to a flame. One of the zombies just starts to go fucking free climbing.

Climbs up the fucking pillar, goes upstairs. Insane. What the fuck? These scenes I really like. Working together, teamwork. Climbing walls. There's some fucking insane, stupid shit that makes this movie kind of stand out differently. But also... Mr. Mustache comes and discovers a headless maid. And instead of like, he was horrified. Sure. But then he was like, looks around and it goes, it fucking just tosses her body out of the fucking. Why? Why? He doesn't want to look at it.

I don't want to see. Get this thing out of here. Yeah. Feed the zombos quick. Jesus Christ. But it's so funny because he does kind of a weird like, look around, and then like fucking. Fuck, man. That's true. Those scenes are pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. I mean, the kills are so stupid. The one gal is walking to go get bandages, and she just gets pulled through the window and chomped. So stupid. Now she's a zombie.

And then Michael is just like, Leslie, Leslie, what is wrong with you? I'm like, you fucking idiot. There's zombies outside. You've seen them. Yeah, we've been doing this all fucking day. Yeah. What do you think is wrong? Well, she was the first to turn. The first of them to turn zombie. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. He was like...

You look hurt. Yeah. Are you okay? Can I suckle your teat? Yeah. Do you have teat to suckle? I don't care who. When his mom is fucking new stepdad and then the door whips open, but yet... Michael's down the hall because we see his shadow come all the way down the hall. And then comes in. And then she could just stay covered in the bed. And she dumps up, completely exposing Tiddy and Bush.

For Michael's sake. Yeah. What are you doing? Get out of here. Mama. What are you doing? What are you doing here? Mama. Fucking kid. Get out. So creepy. Dude. It's so stupid and gross and weird and fucking crazy. So again, I bought multiple copies of this movie. Never had seen it. So Severin put out a dope.

like Blu-ray release of this, like all crazy. I need to watch because there's probably some cool extra features, I hope. But the best part about what I bought that with is it was a little special edition thing and it came with a pillowcase. That has Michael on it. Shut up. It looks like he's laying in the bed. Shut up. With his eyes popped. So you throw it in your fucking bed and you got Michael fucking staying over. That's amazing. That's so cool. Incredible.

And I'm like, I haven't even seen this movie. And I'm definitely buying this. 100%. And so, yeah. So, I'm the proud owner of that shit. Had never seen the movie. I have a little bit different feelings about it now. But... You'd like Michael Moore now. I do like Michael Moore. He's my favorite. I love his documentaries. Really, though, he's the reason to watch this movie. Yeah. right? yeah

Otherwise, you are watching every other stupid, dumb, 70s-time zombie movies. When you just look at the zombie aspect, it's one of the worst I've ever seen. Once when I was a kid, I was like, ooh, I'm going to rent scary movies.

for my slumber party with my friends, Stevie. We're going to watch a bunch of scary movies. I'll rent Tombs of the Blind Dead so that we can sleep forever. How boring is that movie? Jesus Christ. It's like this. I was like, that was the first time I ever saw an Italian movie. I'm like, why? Why does it suck so bad, though? Why is it the worst? How come it's not really a movie? They're blowing it. You're taking the zombie juice and you're...

You're making it horrible. It's diluted. Yeah, so diluted. It's so bad. And overdubbed and diluted more and overdubbed more. Yeah, and just nonsensical. You could tell when you're a kid, you're like, this is purposeless. This... None of the words match the lips. Something's wrong. Because I had to go back and I wanted to hear what Michael sounded like in those scenes. Some of those scenes, not overdubbed. Because I was like, is his voice actually...

Like kind of a kid voice? Or is it a full man's voice? You'll never know. I listened to it. I heard it. Really? Well, you heard the Italian version? In that interview, they play a clip and you can hear it. But in the movie, you know they didn't record sound of the whole... That's the thing. I watched the whole entire credits. Oh, you're right. There's a boom operator. You're right. So probably what I heard was an overdub in Italian. Right.

Still probably wasn't his voice. Probably not. God damn it. There was a credit for Boom Operator, but I don't even know what that means. I don't even think they know what that means. No, they just put that in there. They're like...

It's in other movies. Just put it in the credits. Alan Smithy. It was Alan Smithy because they didn't mention a director's name. It said like, for first camera, a second assistant director, continuity were the first three things. I'm like, continuity? Are you joking? Can I speak to continuity?

continuity there is a scene when she falls in the fucking bear trap it cuts to all of a sudden he's down at her feet okay then it cuts back he's no longer there and he's walking up to her and goes what happened And I'm like, I had to rewind it. I was like, are you joking me? They shot this shit in camera. Amazing editing. Yeah, like literally the person editing was like, fell asleep, accidentally put one clip, oops, two clips ahead and didn't check. Whoopsie.

and in all these things like i'm curious i want to watch that fucking severin version now because i'm curious if that stayed or if they fix that they wouldn't fix it why would they fix it they wouldn't fix that it is so fucking obviously stupid though yeah

I believe that. You're not allowed to fix it, George Lucas. It is what it is. I want to put Jabba walking around the fucking garden chomping zombies. Moaning. Yeah. This movie's insanely bad.

It's insanely bad. And I watched it twice already. In less than a week and a half. You're going to watch it again. Wait, did you watch the full thing or just the bar cut? No, I watched the fucking full thing. Jesus, Brian. But I noted that there was a bar cut to save for later. It's saved in my YouTube queue. I watched the whole thing once.

And then I got to the end and I was like, okay, I want to see that beginning again to see if I missed something. What did I miss when the professor was fucking around? It starts hard, though, because you get that attack and you get fucking titties and sex. And Michael, like literally 10 minutes of this movie.

You're pretty psyched. You're like, this is sick. Oh, wait, there's two hours left to go? Yeah. And it's just fucking yucky fucking sacks zombie chase. Snooze fest. Yeah. You could really just speed it up. You could really just skip ahead. Like, yeah, watch the first 15 minutes. and then just skip just get right to the just guess what happens zombies come and they kill everybody I almost watched the second time I almost watched it like on like times two or times ten

It might be better just to watch it times two or times five. I just want to skim and make sure I don't miss anything that I might want to talk about. Because I made all these mental notes last week and then forgot it all. And so last night I'm actually making notes on my phone like an idiot. I...

I couldn't find many noteworthy things. I kind of like that they go to the monastery. Well, firstly, I'm so mad they didn't get in their cars, and I don't know why they walk to the monastery. They get to the monastery. With a girl with a hurt ankle. Right. The door pops open. which is like, there's no one. What are you? And they get to the, all the monastery and they like find the table full of monks and they don't even realize that they're all zombies. Yeah.

And as soon as you see him, you're like, I recognize you. You were outside with that other tunic on a second ago. I love that. They're like... Did the makeup artist think he was getting one over by being like, I got this fucking mask. I don't feel like making anything else. Just throw some bullshit on this fucking mask. The makeup is so bad. But then they highlight him so much. That's probably the best looking thing ever.

Yeah. And of course, it was because it looks like a face. Jack Pierce is a master. Yeah. But like... It is infuriating. When I first saw it, I was like, oh, that's a fucking Frankenstein mask. What the fuck? And I had to go look, and sure enough, in the trivia, it's right there. Oh, yeah. That's hilarious. I just kind of figured it was. You know why I didn't think that? Because you can't do that. You can't do that. Well, they're like, we're in Italy.

No one's seen Frankenstein. Say something universal. You know, Italy is unique in that if you ever get like a legit 80s like care bootleg, for instance, or Depeche Mode bootleg, they're always Italian because there's no law there. There's no copyright law there. What's it called? What kind of waters? It's international waters. Is that because they're technically floating and kind of flooding in water? Yeah, it's a archipelago. It's like a...

It's Waterworld. What happens on the boot stays in the boot. Is that where the term boot came from? Bootleg? Maybe. Holy shit. Maybe. Wow. Probably not. I'm going to say that. Is that where that came from? They're like, porno and bootlegging music is all we're going to do. I literally have like 20 Italian care bootlegs and they're

All trash. They're all overdubbed with fucking Peter Barks singing. Robert Smith's voice is like, hey, listen to me. Mama. Mama. I want Peter Barks to sing Mother by Danzig. Mama. Dude, that's a mash-up and a half. You go ahead and AI take the fucking vocals off Mother and then you put Peter Bark on? Mama. But what we know of as Peter Bark in that movie isn't Peter Bark. No.

That's frustrating. Even the, it's like two times frustrating because even the Italian one that they're overdubbing wasn't Peter Barr probably. I bet it's not, yeah. So we're like three times removed from this freak. I wonder.

This geek, this weirdo. I ask this every time. This geek, this freak, this insane looking fucking troublesome small person. When they overdub the Italian version, do they use the actors that acted in the film because they...

That's the thing. I've asked this every single time. I won't do the research. I think it's cheaper to hire a fucking... dipshit off the street yeah oh we have a staff of people for that at this at fucking this where though it's a pub they're like a fucking yeah we got fucking charlie's over here it'll do the kid yeah mama

We have one man and one woman doing all the voices. It feels like that sometimes. These movies, that's the tedious part for me. Just the kind of like... the overdub horribleness and and usually the music because even though like the music of this is okay it's still very jarring for a horror movie

It's not very a horror movie. No, but it's got synth moments. It has a couple, but then it's just this funky, upbeat jazz for these weirdest points. You're like... That's just the way. And you know what? Who did the same shit? John Carpenter.

when you got you look at the fog and it's got some fucking dog shit music in there and you find out that's just his old band sure yeah but still the synth stuff oh the synth stuff's great but then you occasionally you're talking about the needle drops I'm talking about the needle drops yeah that's fine but there's different yeah there's that

too but this is but it doesn't feel like i don't know this feels jarring when they first leave the like the couple leaves to go to the photo shoot and they run outside and it's just like the like insane upbeat jazz and i'm like this has no

This isn't giving me any emotion or any kind of feeling about any dread or anything that might happen or whatever. And I know zombies are now currently taking three and a half hours to walk from the crypt up to the house. Did anyone else not buy that she's a model? I mean, that mole. Dude, I like them all. Kiss it. Some nipple on the hair. That's an extra nipple to me, man. It is. A face nipple. Mama! Your whole face is a boob.

Oh, my God. My Lord. I appreciate you guys watching it, though. Oh, it's, you know, Brian.

Anything for you. I knew exactly why you picked it the second I saw the little guy. I remember. I was like, this is it. This is the reason. I know this movie because I've organized these videos and I was like, why do we have so many copies of Burial Ground? Brian just can't stop. On the back of everyone is a picture of the kid in bed. Like, that's why. It's the signature fucking photo. Like, again, that was the first photo I saw. And that was when I decided I wanted to see Burial Ground.

Nothing else. And, of course, I looked around some other stuff and saw some other imagery. And I'm like, yeah. First of all, the first time I saw how tall he was in comparison to the mom, I was like, I know that's not a kid. And he's so tiny. And I was like. I have to see it. It's the same reason we all are watching The Island of Dr. Moreau. Yeah. For the Littleman. Yeah, he's up on the piano. You can get Michael up on the piano if you want. If you put Michael...

Dressed as Brando and then put little guy. Yeah, get extra. Dario up on the big piano. Little Dario. Michael on the little one. I would love any artists out there that want to do a mashup. I want a Dr. Evil mini-me mashup of Dario and Michael. Like, please, please make it happen. It is... I looked up the homie... Or Michael with mod would also be pretty fun.

Yes, it would be very cool. I looked at the trivia about Peter Bark, and it was like... Oh, dude. Like, just the intro, it's like... Yeah, listen to this. God, I couldn't believe it. I'm like, that's so insulting. It's so rude. It's so rude just to describe him. Like... Peter Bark was a supremely creepy and unnerving Italian midget thespian who bore an uncanny resemblance to a diminutive Dario Argento. Dude, if there is a roast that is the most roasty...

Just winning roast ever. That's right there on his 09 DB. Seriously. If you just replaced anybody's Peter Mark's name with anybody else's name. If I said, if I went up to like a microphone and said, Jeff over and was a supremely creepy and unnerving Italian. Chespian who bore an uncanny resemblance to Dario Gentile. You'd be like...

Fuck you. Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. Dude, seriously, like, that's brutal, and that's on his own thing. He wrote that himself. Right, probably. He was. Did he die? No. Dude's live. So that's even ruder. I know. Well, he still is creepy. I mean, actually, in his defense, he seemed less creepy in the interview now. So maybe that is right. Maybe he was creepy. He was supremely creepy. He grew out of it.

What if he was like six foot now? To be like perfectly... He hit 30 and his pituitary gland like kicked in and he fucking grew. He wasn't even 30 when this movie was made. He's only 25. But still. But still, he was 1955, he was born. 1980, this movie was made, right? So he's 25 years old. Still, imagine being a 25-year-old man. He's Gary Coleman in it. Cole, he was fucking... Webster's Emmanuel Lewis-ing it. Yeah. He's fucking... What you talking about? Dario? God.

I seriously, I wish, I wish we were still pulling titles like that for these episodes. What'd you talk about? That would be it. That would be it. That would be it. There's gotta be a picture of Dario and this dude together. No, I looked, dude. I spent so long last night looking. I wanted so badly. I did find that interview, which is cool, and him dancing to the 80s band. I bet they were in a room together and Dario's like, I'm out.

Someone's going to get a picture of this together and I'm not allowing that to happen. I mean, dude, Dario has so much more pull than that dude. You know that he's never invited anywhere that Dario's at. Dario's got people to make sure that Peter Park doesn't show up to the party. It's me, your son. Dada. Dada. Asia, it's your brother. Remember when we were young and I sucked your D? Something? I went back into your balls, dada. Let me back in.

I remember when I was peeking out of your penis hole. I longed for those days. Oh, my God. Yeah. Can you imagine? My first memory was peeking out of my dad's dick hole. I ain't going out. I ain't going in there. Shoot me out. It looks juicy in there. Yeah, I'm staying here. You go. Oh, God.

Good shit. With all that said, I do think this movie is at least worth a watch. It's worth the bar cut. Yeah. Maybe it's just worth the 10 minute bar cut. I think this is funny. Here's something. I think this is worth it. If you want to learn, if you want to get learned a lesson hard. and you haven't seen a lot of Italian zombies and you're looking forward to it, just throw this fucker on. Because you get to see Peter Bark and you get to learn that all these movies are cat shit, mostly. Yeah.

And you learn the hard way. Maybe you won't go down the same path I do, which is go from Dawn of the Dead to zombie, to maybe the next zombie and be like, oh, wait. Oh, no. Yeah. Let me keep going. There's like four or five of those zombies, right? We have a soundtrack that was sent to us for like four. There's like six. The word four is like birds. They don't make any sense together. There's too many of them.

And those are just the ones that are called zombie. Then you have like the tombs of the blind dead and the crypts of the fucking horny dead and all the stupidest things. Is that movie that's, it's called like.

it's called like anthrophages or like and and yeah it's called absurd But it's also called Anthropophagus. Anthropophagus. Yeah, but the alternate title was absurd. And there's a scene in this movie that you can tell when the professor is fucking chowing down, when he's zombowed and he comes out. I'm like, they're just biting Anthropophagus.

Yeah, because you've seen that image before. Totally. Because it was funny. I almost was like, is that the dude from that movie? And I haven't seen that movie, but I've seen a ton of imagery from that movie. And I'm kind of curious, but I know I've learned my lesson.

It's going to be a big old tack of shit. But I know it's going to be a pile of shit. There's one they made in 2000 that looks like the most insane snuff gore fest I've ever... imagined i was at a fucking slovakian metal fest in 2010 and i got to see anthropophagus 2000 like a vhs of it on some like metal dudes table and i was like i might throw up

This is the goriest thing I've ever seen. Just look at the back. I was like, wow. And actually, the front cover was just a... smashed human face like jesus slovakia metal fest i see you trying to make me yarf up in here are those are those italian though are they what are are they like i think anthropophagus is italian okay it feels like

it's italian but i again like yeah but the yeah the fucking slovakian version went ham on the cover they went hard of the yeah i've always loved that poster in that cover of absurd or anth slash anthropophagus but i know it's

It's going to be catch. Yeah. Well, cause you've only ever seen that one image and it's like, that must be the best part of that fucking movie because they've shown it on every flyer poster, anything that, you know, I do want to see it. I know too. Who's got the time. Who's got.

the time. Who's got the podcast? Oh, we do. Fuck. We have to watch it probably. Well, people are always like, you guys need to watch more Italian horror. I'm like, do we? Do we? I should have joined in the three-part harmony. Do we?

Because it is, I mean... It's hard. It's hard watching a 3.5 on IMDb that is American-made. It is really hard to watch a 3.5 Italian movie. Like, it is fucking, you know, because it's not only... It's bad enough that it's on a budget, and it's just slow as fuck, and it's boring, but then the overdub just makes you feel like you're watching two different movies. Yeah. I mean, and I understand, like, Giallo movies and things like Torso, like...

I like torso and I, I, even though I hate eyeball, I kind of like, I laugh so hard. Like the, the, I think on paper, the like giallo fucking genre, uh, is sick and styly and cool. But the movies that we get, they are...

All right. That's like the same with like better as photographs than movies. Yeah. You're like film noir and you're like a big film noir person. Of course, there's like 10 amazing movies you should watch. And then there's 150 cat shit movies that you will probably watch if you can't get enough.

for the vibes and they might all have a cool part because they usually have a cool part or two where it's like cool this guy's got gloves and a switchblade and like well but like that's cool and that's awesome but like that is not holding up an entire movie it's just not right And some guy, don't look at my eye. That's not holding it up either. And this movie, I do like. I like the Beyond. And it's a zombie movie technically. And that might be one of the best. And it's still shit rough.

I mean, it's good shit. No, and that's, like I said, that one is almost known as being one of the best. And maybe because it's a little bit weird and stuff. It's got all those psychedelic properties and the end is amazing in the beyond. And the beginning is amazing. And then when they got the zombies,

you're like, oh, right. Yeah. This is what Italian zombie movies are like. Yeah. Fuck. I forgot. So boring. Yeah. And that's a good one. I know. If you're like, this is one of the good ones, that's up there. But... Still. It's rough. It's rough. Why is it so rough? We've asked people, listeners, throw us a fucking bone. Tell us the dope Italian horror film. The church, and I fully feel you. The church is good.

Do we do the church yet? No, we never talked about it yet. We have 15 copies of that too because I've been buying that up. The church, yeah, it has some fucking slow shit in it. It's Italian. There's some fucking rad imagery and cool shit in that. And anything that has to deal with fucking church, fucking anti-Christian stuff, I'm happy with. Yeah, I'm into that too. And Argento's movies, of course, they always have something redeeming in them.

As well as something fully depraved in them. And I think that because he does have his kind of toes dipping enough in like the US idea of motion picture horror and things like that. Story plot. Yeah. Yeah. He definitely he dips, you know, he knows like. I can't get away with just horse shit all the time. I'm going to take a few things here, a few things there, and sprinkle it. He knows how to blend it in, so I'm going to appeal not just to...

depraved Italians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. We'll throw a fucking little Donald Pleasence and a Jennifer Connelly in there with a monkey. Yeah, yeah. Let's see what happens. And again, one of the better ones. Sure, it's got some slow fucking points and it's, you know, but... Style. These movies got style for the most part. This one doesn't have much style. I mean, people would argue that those zombies are stylized. And yes, they are. But they're cartoon zombies.

They're like, if you took a comic book, if you took an EC comic zombie and then made them out of fucking clay and cardboard and cornflakes. Yeah, then those are the good ones. And then you got a couple of other just like straight lumps. The ones that walk in by with their hair out and you're like.

Bro, why you got your hair out? Yeah. I like, if you just went, like, if you put one on the screen, just instead did a voiceover that was like, or, like, you'd be like, yeah. I want that cut. That works. I want that cut. The fucking derf cut.

but there are a couple of those like the derp cut right there's something to those ghastly ass zombies when they have like a full like hair sticking out the side i'm like that's probably what a fucking corpse would look like and that would that that is haunting like you don't want those fucking fools crawling up all slow and at the end of the movie when no one gets away spoilies

When no one escapes. That's cool. That's cool. It's rare. They're slowly creeping in and does the freeze frame on the fucking screaming girl. That reminds me of Texas Chainsaw. There's an American zombie movie that ends, I'm pretty sure, similarly. I can't think of what it is, but there is with like hands over and all, you know, like screaming face. And that's good with the fucking.

Prophecy of the Black Spider quote that makes very little sense. Night is spelled with like wrong. It's like, yeah, they're all spelled wrong. And I HGT like dogs. Yeah. Like you're blowing it. I mean, That's the kind of attention to detail I come to expect out of it. Italian. Just like the editing in that one scene with the guy's there and he's not there. I love it.

I thought I was having a stroke. I'm like, I gotta rewind this. I think I just saw this guy. I already hear it. He's not here yet. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again, because it is one of the most charming things about this. When I first started getting heavy into the...

i've told the story but if you're new to the thing when netflix was just discs and i was getting those discs i went on the fucking i went to the italy's butthole yeah i went straight there and that's where all that's all the all the italian zombies are polyps along italy's stupid And I picked them all off. And I watched them all. And Sarah was like, what are we doing here? Why again? And I was like, I don't know. Yeah, because you were watching like third string Italian zombie horror movies.

Stupid hard. I can't even. Dude, if this is first string, I couldn't believe it. Josh likes the punishment. I couldn't believe it. I was a completist. I was like, I'm going to watch them all. And then I would also watch the behind the scenes. And when you watch the behind the scenes, you have. Always. And it's always these men. It's never a woman in sight. Always the men are always like, oh, yes. And I was the first to ever do this.

groundbreaking thing. And everyone else stole from me and they all know it. And I am the smartest and most stylish filmmaker of all time. You're like... I just watched your movie. Yeah. Who are you fooling? And I've seen the rest of the movies you made too, homeboy. You are deluded. You're foolish. Like these movies are fucking a waste of time.

These movies are going to cause me a divorce. I've only been married two years. I'm about to get divorced. And that's kind of when I stopped. I was like, Sarah is going to leave me. If I keep doing this, I'm going to get divorced in 2002.

So I had to stop for my own sake, for my family's sake. Like this director and his name is Andrea Bianchi or Bianchi or I don't know. I'm not Italian. Actually, I kind of have some Italian in me. Besides the pasta, I have some Italian in me. I have some Italian food in me. I eat pizza for lunch. I have a little Italian in me. It's true, I had pasta for lunch. I had pizza for lunch. I was getting ready to record. Yeah, I was feeling the mood. Yeah, it was vibing.

Method recording. No, but all of his movies, every single one, has a sex worker in the title or in the movie as the main plot person. How else are you going to... Well, you know what? At least it's not just... random people that aren't sex workers pulling their titties out. Let me just, there's three of his movies. Let me just read these to you. And I can't say I don't want to see them because I probably do. And I probably will at least watch one of them for sure.

Because it has Peter Mark in it. One of them is called Strip Nude for Your Killer. Another one is called Cry of a Prostitute. And the one I'm probably going to watch is called What the Peeper Saw. And the best part about what the peeper saw is it fucking has Brit Eklund in it, who was in fucking the Wicker Man, who was dancing naked. Oh, right on. Yeah, let me know when you're going to throw that on.

Stewart's lady for a minute, right? Yeah. Fucking what the peeper saw is going to see some things. You know what? I'm going to find out what the peeper saw. And the fucking dude, the poster is dope. Check this fucking poster out. Yeah, that is pretty cool, actually. Wow. It's got Nuda in the title. So I wonder what the actual literal translation is.

Did I look this one up? I looked up a couple last night and I was like, one of them was just like, your mother's nude. That might be it. I'm like, what? Your sister's a werewolf. Your mother's nude. Dude, there's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. You fucking dipshits. But yeah, I mean, again, I'm going to do Britt Eklund. Fight as hell. Top notch. Yeah.

Probably has a body double in that too, but who cares? I don't care. Yeah. They probably duped her the same way they duped her in The Wicker Man. Right. Pull a fast one. I'll be pulling a fast one.

Oh, boy. Let's do a quick voicemail and get the fuck out of here. Yeah, that sounds good to me. Italy, you know what? You're silly. You got a silliness about you that I like. And I've been there a number of times. And you know what else? They're silly. They got big, silly croissants filled with green pistachio goo. And it's silly. And I love it. I think a bunch of these zombies were filled with...

Green pistachio glue. Yeah, they might have had a pistachio cream. Yeah, pretty sure. I did like when they were blasting... Fools. Just one after another. Obviously not an actor in them. Obviously you couldn't put an actor in them. Just like a fucking straight up guar fucking dummy smashing the head. Just a foam fucking blasted thing. And there must have been like, a lot of it must have been like...

clay pottery heads. Oh, for sure. He kind of made that sound, too. Yeah, I like that. Even though, yeah, because in the Foley room, they're just smashing flower pots filled with dirt. You know it. You know they are. All right. Well. Hey, boys. I've been flacking on my Forever Midnight podcast lately, so when I saw it instead of you guys were doing Space Month or whatever, I got pretty jacked. Obviously, I love the Leprechaun episode, and you're going to have to...

I'm about to tell you they're awful. And if you ban me from the show, I wouldn't blame you. So you were saying that it'd be cool to have like a female leprechaun movie. I have a title, Leprechaun. Oh, Jesus, Jesse. I like it. Even weaker is the tagline, which is, in space, no one can hear you queef. Sorry about those stupid jokes. How about now I can hear you cream? I think that's a better one. Yeah, cream would be, yeah, because it's like scream. Yeah.

It's closer. Yeah. Every time I hear the word queef, I'm just like, it's just such a funny word. But it kind of sounds like the sound, right? Is that why it's named that? What's it when you spell out a sound? Onomatopoeia? Yeah, that's it. It's a stat. It's one of those things like... I remember when I first heard that and I was like, no, that's not a thing. You made that up. You made that word up just now. Yeah, exactly. And it turns out it's a real thing. And it's like somehow...

In the 80s, it was a thing. I was like, that ain't real. And now, why at 50 do I know it's real? Do I know it's a funny thing? And do I know that in popular culture, it's a shocking, funny thing to say. Space, no one can hear you queef, Jesse. And the Oscar goes to Jesse. Jesse! For... Jesus. I do like that. Could you bleep me when I said that, please? Could you bleep it? Please bleep it. I can't even believe I said it. In space. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Good one. Was that the end of his call?

Yeah, okay. I love that he's like, obviously I love the leprechaun episode. that's not obvious that was a weak month jesse and that you picked the well the best and maybe also yeah might have been one of our favorites might have been the most surprisingly awesome one of them all yeah I still can't get over a fucking giant leprechaun in space. It's pretty fun. That's fun. It is fun. Seeing a giant little person is fun. Love me some giant Warwick Davis. What if...

What if Peter Bark was just massive? Like the size of like Andre the Giant. I just don't have the bowl cut of Andre the Giant on that little frame. Yeah. Didn't Andre the Giant kind of have the bowl cut of Andre the Giant? He just looks like Cousin It who's completely engulfed by it. Dude, fucking Andre the Giant could tuck fucking Peter Bark.

Into his short. Tootie, you used him as a toothpick. Yeah. And I did call Peter Bark a freak, but it was not calling him a freak because of his stature. I just want to remind everybody. Don't forget. Yeah. The turtleneck, the bowl cut, and the eyes. And the creep. Yeah, just the straight after straight.

creepiness of it's full of creepiness that guy has that he's a man like on the broad side of 20 acting like he's 11 yeah and i again i thought he was a little weird freak before i knew how tall he was Just going to say that. Yeah. It's even more fun that he's fun sized. Yeah. Bleep everything I said. And I'm talking about this whole last hour, please. On that note, we should thank our sponsors.

We ought to thank The Next Record Store. Yes, yes, yes. They are the greatest record store. TheNextRecordStore.com is how to visit The Next Record Store. If you don't live in town, they have all kinds of great stuff online for you to purchase. I believe anything else, if you have any questions... They don't put the stuff that's on the floor on this store because it would be tricky. But give them a call if you need to or email them. They are a great resource. They can ship anything to you.

Um, they can answer any of your questions about any record you're looking for. Yeah. And they got tons and tons of cool stuff. It's also tons and tons of like horror soundtracks and other fun shit that you're looking for. And, um, yeah, definitely like support them. They support us and our.

so awesome to us and again we've been buying stuff from them forever yeah if you do visit online or even in person you can just tell them that we sent you and they'll give you 10% off or if you're online go type forever into the discount code box and get 10% off there too yeah

Yeah. And their website again is? TheNextRecordStore.com. And if you're in town, I mean, they always got new arrivals coming every single day. Like I go in there a number of times a week and there's always something new and always something to make me spend all my money. it's 1899 a Mendocino Avenue in Santa Rosa, California. Yeah. Go support them. Please do. They're the best. Yeah.

And also don't forget our friend Marty at play it by fear. He carries all kinds of amazing physical media, VHS tapes, cassettes, audio, CD, you name it. Plus all kinds of other stuff. Like. Go see him. He's going to be at Texas Frightmare this weekend, May 23rd through the 25th. He's also going to be at Monsterpalooza, which is May 30th through June 1st. That's right, in Pasadena. In Pasadena. Go see him. Go tell him we sent you. Hit up his...

Instagram, which is playitbyfear.33. He's down to do trades. He's down to buy collections. He's down to do all kinds of stuff. Find titles you're looking for. Give him a follow on there. If you have any questions about stuff you're looking for too, just plant the seed.

in his ear he'll let you know he's got all kinds of stuff yeah we have never not run into him and not bought a bunch of stuff this is crazy it's true every time it's true so he was a friend of ours we just met because we were buying stuff from him and you know he was buying our stuff and vice versa right and uh yeah and

He was kind enough to sponsor the show, so we appreciate it. So go check him out and support him. And we thank all of our sponsors and we thank all of you. Thank you for listening, everybody. Thank you for visiting us in Italy. I've got to get rid of this pasta. Let's go. Let me play this out. Are you okay, girl? So hot. I'm going to say that's ecstasy. Wrong again. That's more agony. I think during ecstasy she was just like, are you done yet? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't even know we were fucking. I forgot. I fell asleep. Why don't you pay some more attention to me instead of your scribbles? Don't look at my eye. Don't suck on my face mole. My face nipple. All right. Bye-bye. Bye now. Forever Midnight is recorded at the Scary Movie Research Center in Santa Rosa. The music was written by Josh Staples, recorded by Paul Hale, and performed by Linda Amari, Elliot Whitehurst. Paul Hale and Josh Staples. For more information visit forevermidnight.net