Ep -334: Tales From The Crypt (S4-E6 & S2-E9).

Our friend Marty at Play It by Fear is a purveyor of all kinds of physical media, VHS tapes, CDs, cassettes, you name it. All kinds of other fun stuff. We'll always be buying shit from every time we come across this table at a con. He's got the coolest table at nearly every convention. And that's the thing. When we set up a table at a convention, we do the rounds, we visit Marty, we fill a bag up, and then...

For the rest of the convention, we go visit Marty and fill up that bag to the brim. Yeah. We got a Ghoulies 2 VHS from Marty. Yeah. Treasure. Nuff said. Treasure. How do we find him on Instagram, Brian? You can find him on Instagram at playitbyfear.33.

And he's down for trades. He's down to help you out finding titles and stuff. So hit him up if you're looking for something in particular or if he's also always down to buy collections and things like that. He resells and sells. So hit him up. Tell him we sent you. Hit him up. Drop him a line. See if that thing works. you've been looking for forever he might have it yep yeah great dude hit him up at playitbyfear.33 on instagram and check him out at the conventions hell yeah

Hey, guys. What's up? Who are you talking to? Me? Oh, no. The other guys. My other podcast partners. In the other room. Okay. You can come in now. Y'all fight. I got some ringers. Welcome to Forever Midnight, a joyful discussion of horror in cinema with your hosts, Jeff Olvern, Josh Staples, and Brian Henderson. 11.55. Almost midnight. Enough time for one more story. One more story before 12. Just again.

The real reason we're here. The reason for the season. It's Siler season, baby. Siler season. We're in the month of June. And we are in the month of the birth of the man with the plan. Mr. Siler himself. Siler. If you don't know, he's a good friend of ours, a good friend of the cast. He's a top dog on the Patreon. He's an artist. He's a tattooer. He's done a lot of art for us. He is the home. He has done so much art for us that is...

And he always just nails it for us. We've partnered on a lot of amazing things. We love him. He's a great man. It's his birthday month. Is it still true that I'm the only one who's met Siler? It is true. I talked to Siler. almost daily text with Siler. And dude, I love that guy like a fucking brother. Yes. And I've never seen his face in the flesh.

Jeff, you were just over in Massachusetts and I could have sworn it was going to happen. I was hoping. A little too far, I think. He's a dear, dear man. He's such a sweet guy. You know he's a sweet man just from texting. It doesn't have to be.

Of course He's just like the greatest He's so helpful He's so loving And then But when you see him in person It's another level He's done Forever Midnight tattoos He has And he has a tattoo For Forever Midnight So One of the first If not the first He's backing you boys In a major way. And tattooing. Tattooed Twan. Fuck. Yes. We will someday have FM tattoos from Siler and Valve. Can't wait. Also, you know what? I'm going to put it out there.

Siler not only is an amazing artist and not only an amazing tattoo artist, he's an amazing comic artist. And that's like a dream of his. He's been slowly breaking into that field. If there is any folks out there that would like to, that work on comics or that will want to like work on a comic and want to hire or work with or collaborate with a rad comic book artist who like know this fucking shit can fucking nail it.

hit up siler definitely do he is the the guy and like seriously like he's like stoked and wants to do it and he's like really really really like apt at doing that shit so for sure hit him up you know so i know it's his it's his birthday we're gonna do a couple reviews for his birthday but yeah we have a package i know it's his birthday but we got a package we got a package that's the kind of generosity

Shall we dig into this sucker? Let's check this baby out. Hold on a second. I wish I could reach it, Brian, but you know I'm crippled. I don't want this clanking too loud. I'm going to have one of you guys open this though. It's open now. Broken. That was my mom's favorite part. Oh, what do we got? Oh, it's kind of expanding.

What's happening? Oh my gosh, guys. What do we got? What is that? What am I looking at? Oh my gosh, guys. No way. I think they might be ghoulies. There's a ghoulie stuffy right there of the fucking fish ghoulie. Wait, oh, there's more? There's Big Nose Harry. Jesus Christ. I'm going to give you Big Nose Harry. No way. I'm going to give Jeff the cat because this is how it goes. What? Because these are us. We are these ghoulies.

Holy shit. The ghoulie plushie collection. These are incredible. Look at my green ass. I didn't know this ghoulie had a shell. Oh yeah. He's got fucking scales, dude. This fucking rules. Oh my god, this is the rat ghoulie. Big Nose Harry. What a fucking sweetheart. The Fish Ghoulie from Ghoulies 2.

What is it? Did it actually say cat ghoulie on it? There's a tag that says the name. Yeah, it just says cat ghoulie. Yep, I got rat ghoulie and you got fish ghoulie. Oh my god. Fucking all from Ghoulies 2. Oh my god. Our favorite. Tyler. Holy. What, dude? It's your birthday. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you. Yeah. What the fuck? These are velvety. Dude, they're... That rules. Imagine if we had these when we were 12. Better yet, we have them when we're 15. Exactly. Exactly. What the fuck? That's so sick. Happy birthday, bud. Thank you very much. Happy birthday to fucking us, man. That's crazy. These are going to live happily in the FM studio. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

These are sick. These are beautiful. I can't believe they have all three of them. I can't believe you gave us all three of them. I'm just going to cuddle with mine. I'd stand right on the couch with me. Look at the fucking chest pelt on big-nosed Harry's. I hope you don't mind me saying that this one's mine, but this is me, right? Exactly. These are our avatars. We know. Straight up. I'm like, oh, Brian.

Here's you. Here's you. You know, Big Nose Harry. Thank you so much, Tyler. No ghoulies call me Big Nose Harry, so hey.

It is very right on. So for doing all that, I mean, it's appropriate that we at least do a couple of things for him now. Yes. We watched a couple of Tales from the Crypt episodes. He's a big fan. We've done this before. We've done a few of these before. We love it. We're so stoked to do it again. He's a huge fan of the entire Tales from the Trip catalog, and he picked two for us to do. And of course, they're short, so it's not like he's...

getting to pick multiple movies. Pick two episodes for us. The full time of both these is less than a movie. Less than half a movie. These things are short. I'm always surprised. But no, seriously, thank you so much, Tyler. And happy birthday. This is our pleasure to get to do this for you. Yes. I mean, I can't believe you're sending us gifts on your birthday month. You're a maniac. You're a total maniac. Too nice.

He hit me up and was like, these are the two. If you guys could do them, cool or whatever. And I was like, fuck yeah. Tell me which ones. Our fucking pleasure. Are you kidding? Especially one of these. In the past, we've kind of done a few of them on our own. And we've kind of trickled them in here and there.

He's done some on Patreon, I think. Yeah. Yeah, we've done them on the regular channel as well. And it's really good because there is some holdouts. There is some weak points. But luckily enough, doing it this way, we kind of get to hit the bangers. Yeah. Get to hit the juicy good ones. The big and juicy stuff. The big and juicy stuff. Keep going. Keep describing it.

Turn me on, buddy. I'm out of curiosity. I'm just curious. I kind of think I know the answer to this. But which episode did you guys watch first? I watched the Christopher Reeves one first. I didn't really need to rewatch. the other one okay I've never seen either one of them and of course I'm gonna dip into the Patricia I know first but we have recently watched a lot by recently it was the last

studio that we were in. So it was years and years ago. Yeah. But somehow it's remained at the forefront of my brain. But it's, yeah, we watched it and I was like, I don't think I breathe the whole time. I was like, Oh God, what am I looking at? Do you want to start with that one or do you want to start with a Christopher Reeve one? I'll start with Christopher Reeve's one. That's fine. If you don't mind. We'll start slow. We'll start soft.

Yeah, so this one's called What's Cookin'? Right. What's Cookin'? What's Cookin'? This is season four, episode six. Oh, we're starting with our early one. Season four, episode six. What's Cookin'? you Next time I book a table for 8 o'clock, little thing, I expect to be seated at 8 o'clock. Not a great wine, but locally grown, that's for sure.

Reminds me of a good scream sherry. I hope you brought your appetite, kiddies, because tonight's tasteless tidbit is something I'm sure you'll savour. It's a real epigore. and delight about a nice young couple who find the restaurant business a little hard to swallow I call this adventure and find dying what's cooking

I put this on at my house and Sarah was like, wow, this cast is an A-list cast of the time. But I mean, I love this cast. It's pretty bomb. I mean, Christopher Reeve, of course, we love him so much. And of course, he's not Superman. It's always interesting to see him not be Superman. Yeah, he's one of the main characters, but he's not necessarily...

Like everyone's kind of shares time. Yeah. There's the three main, main people. And then his, his wife who is Angela's mom from my soul called life. Right. Amongst other things. But that's, that's where a lot of people in the nineties know her from, you know? And then you got fucking Joe Nelson's.

Yeah. You got Judd Nelson, John Bender himself. Still looking like himself. Have you seen him now? My God. What's he look like? Unrecognizable. Really? Look it up. What? If you saw him in the street, you would never know that. Jug Nelson. Jug. Jug. You have to think about the next episode. Okay. Not to mention meatloaf. I have some. We got to get there. I have some stuff to say about that.

Is that really? It doesn't look too off. Are you out of your mind? It does look too off. I've seen him not that long ago. If you saw that guy walking on the street, you'd be like, that's Judd Nelson. No, I'd say that's Judd Nelson. Son of a bitch. Colonel Nelson. Colonel Nelson. What's up with the goatee? What is going on with that guy? He just fucking ate a bunch of cobwebs. And I'm saying this is a guy. No, I wouldn't recognize him. Who like.

I dressed like John Bender as a 10 to 12 year old. I had this whole outfit and I can tell you what it was. It was a thermal shirt. Then it was a cut off sleeve flannel shirt. Then it was a fucking jean vest. Yeah. Or no, a full jean jacket.

Jean jacket. Jean jacket. Yeah. And then it was the army jacket on top of that, like a long trench coat over that. Layers. Layers. Maybe it was an army jacket, then a trench coat. It was so many layers. And I wore it in the summertime as a fucking 11-year-old prepubescent person. Long hair.

earring. Yeah. Fucking pants with the fucking bandanas on it. My dad's firefighter boots. I was straight obsessed. It's so funny though. Cause I picture like, and a blonde, like forget a little tiny whiff of a blonde person. Full Peter bark. Size. Yes. Yeah. I was Peter Mark. From Burial Ground, but John Bender. That was Josh Bender. Dressed like a total Bender. Dude, that is awesome, though. A, that you were that age and able to piece together all that shit. All I have to do is dive into it.

Goodwill box. It was only two years before I was cosplaying as fucking Ducky Dale. The next time I had a chance, a few thrift store dollars. I was obsessed. And I still am. Those are like my two favorite movies. Fuck yeah. What town is Breakfast Club supposed to... Shermer, Illinois. Illinois. Okay, so it maybe was cold enough for... 17 coats. Yeah, exactly. I think it was kind of snowy during the breakfast club. Okay.

I was going to say, like, what the fuck? I mean, when you say layer up, he's like, do we mean that many layers? Are you sure? Yeah. So good. That's like 17 layers. I remember there was one, a friend of mine's... Dad, when we were growing up, he said this, and I've always used it, and we've talked about it a little bit, but when he saw John Bender, the picture of Richard Nelson, he goes, that dude's got a straight toaster nose.

I've always thought about it. It's hilarious. Your nostrils are lengthy. You've got a toaster nose. Put two fucking slices up. Brutal. That's a brutal burn. In this episode, you really realize his nose is crazy. He's got a crazy nose. Yeah. And it's not necessarily ugly. It is just very unique. I think he's a strikingly handsome man. Follow your nose to the meat. Yeah.

But like his haircut in this kills me. It's horrible. He's got a doofer and he's got mostly, the only cool haircut he ever fucking had was the breakfast club. Everything else is doof city. Yeah. Now he doesn't have any hair. It's all in his fucking chin. Yeah. He's like, well, I gotta show it somewhere. I love seeing him in movies these days. He's still a great actor. Is he still in shit?

I would never know because I don't recognize his ass anymore. Wasn't he on a television show for a bit? He was on a TV show for a while. 10, 15 years ago? He does like cop shows and stuff. He's done all kinds of stuff. Yeah. I mean. What's he play? The criminal? The colonel? No, usually the cop. But in this movie, he's like. Drifter. Drifter. which is like, well, you're not drifting too far. You're outside the fucking restaurant. Yeah. Why don't you go drift a little farther down the street?

And you're also paying Homeboy to, like, you gave him a job. Like, he has a job. Yeah, he's not. It's safe to say he's not drifting anymore. Don't call him a drifter. He lives across the street and he goes to work. Yeah.

He's fine. He's a valuable employee. Yeah, he really is. He's innovative. Confident. He's got all the skills, man. The one thing that he always has in this movie is those fucking... just creepy beady fucking eyes like he has this look that he can do that's like yeah you are a psychopath there's a movie we have up on the shelf there and it's actually it's facing out right beneath

Death Valley poster called Relentless, where he plays a straight up serial murderer and it's directed by William Lustig. Oh, sure. I'm dying to see that movie. It doesn't say horror in IMDb, so I'm not going to pop it on you guys. Don't worry. But it's one I definitely want to watch.

find anywhere. So, Christopher Reeve owns a restaurant here. A squid restaurant? Yeah, what is your plan here, dog? You are fucking blowing it. Squid. And it's not even a sushi restaurant, so it doesn't make any fucking sense. What are you doing? Squid burgers? It's preposterous. And it's clearly a diner setting. Yeah. And we open up and he's talking about... About a new idea doing squid on a stick. So what is he doing?

He does squid juice. He does squid burgers. Who knows what he does? Oh, he does like some sort of squid sandwich because there's that cop that comes in that's in every goddamn thing in the world. Oh, and he's like, I can't stomach another squid McMuffin. And you're like...

No shit. I'm ready to barf just talking about squid and chopping squid up. What is that? I got a squid scramble here. Do you just slide it across the grill, pick it up, put on a bun? What is that? I'm going to barf. It's a ghastly idea.

I mean, and I have eaten squid before, and I don't want to eat squids, because squids are just little octopuses, and they're all smart. They're alien, and they're smart, and they're better than me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Don't eat those things. But also, like, if I'm forced to eat an animal...

I'm not going to pick the slimiest, weirdest animal. It's the rubber of the sea. You don't want to eat that. You're surely aware of this. And listeners, I'm sure you're aware of this too. That if you're eating calamari for the most part... you're probably eating a pig's colon. Because when they have those ringy parts of calamari, squids aren't cheap. And so they instead, and plentiful, that's another thing too. Whenever I think about this, I'm like, if meat...

What was that? I saw a commercial. An SNL sketch was like, should meat be cheaper than gum? If meat is that cheap and that plentiful, Then something's wrong. Something's very wrong. Something's very wrong. You're in for a toilet night. Exactly. If squids, just the long, curly fucking tube part of it, that's mostly pig buttle. It has tubes. Don't eat it.

I got some tubes. You'd eat me. You got tubes, too. Don't eat those either, though. Yeah, don't eat my tubes. Don't eat their tubes. You know what, Brian? Why don't you eat my tubes? You would eat Todd's tubes. You know it. Yeah, I guess so. Todd's got them tasty tubes. Tasty tube Todd. Tasty tube Todd. Why don't you use them?

First, why don't you start with my outside tube and then work your way around to the inside tube. Christopher Reeves, he had a Tasty Todd's. He opened a Tasty Todd's right there. It's fine. It's just like, it's so, I mean, we've talked about this before. We've gone through a lot of these fucking... Episodes of Tales from the Crypt, they ain't deep.

You got to tell a story in 20 minutes. So when you set it up, you got to like, what's the most gross restaurant in the world? Squid McMuffin. Yeah. And a chef that doesn't know how to cook barely at all. And these two motherfuckers think all their money in these ideas, like not even. How did he fucking talk another person into this thing? How good is that dick?

How good is that? It's Superman's dick. It's Superman's dick. All together now. That's how good it is. Even if Christopher Reeves wasn't Superman, which he is. Sure. And when he's acting, he's just being Clark Kent just for us. But even if he wasn't Superman, the superhero, he's a fucking...

Nine foot tall muscular man. Yeah. He's a giant. Handsome man. Okay, I'm sorry. He's a six foot eight muscular man. Is he really six foot eight? He's huge. He's a large man, yeah. Oh, I didn't realize he was that tall. Yeah, he's very tall. I mean, when he's Superman, he's very...

But you think maybe that's movie tricks or something. He's taller than everybody always. I might be exaggerating too, but I know he's on the high part of six feet plus. He's taller than Richard Pryor. Oh, yeah. He's taller than fucking Margot Kidder in a big way. But yeah, when she's riding his back and it looks like an actual woman riding a horse, that's because Christopher Reeves is a human horse.

Horse dick. Superman's dick is probably... Superman's dick is my band name. I need to change my band's name to Superman's dick. I'm sure the ladies would love that. Sarah, I'm changing the band's name. I've got it going a new direction. And by a nude erection, I mean Christopher Reeves' giant dick I'm going to climb upon and ride to Valhalla.

When his name came up, I didn't know that he was in it. I don't have the same history that you guys have with these episodes and what Siler has with these episodes. I had never seen this one at all. This was brand new to me. And as soon as I started rolling, I was like,

I was like, whoa. Whoa! His name popped up, and I was like, what the fuck? I mean, that's what's fun about these early, in these 90s, Tales from the Crypt, she's like, fucking everybody's in it. Yeah. They were just pulling the who's who of whoever was around. It was great. Everyone wanted to be in it. Dipping in and doing stuff. That's the thrill.

directing or writing or whatever. You think about it, like, it's funny because we've talked about a handful of these episodes and stuff, and we kind of always joke about the fact that they got these people, but like...

If you're an actor who's doing these big movies and doing all this stuff all the time, it's probably fun to go do some cheap little show for one time. And be kind of devious usually, usually like a villain or something. And it's going to be like, you know, it's going to be over the top and gross. It's going to be some weird thing to do.

Some twist, you know, something happens. And you've got these top-notch directors and producers being like, you have like Robert Zemeckis being like, yo, you want to be in this thing? I mean, Back to the Future and Back to the Future 2 are long in my past. Like, I made those things. Yeah. Get on board.

Well, especially because being those actors, you're like, oh, I'm going to go do this little thing that this big director wants me to do because who knows what he's going to ask me to do next week. Right. You know, it could be awesome. Yeah, this might be a little screen test for major actors to be even in bigger things. Yeah, but it is funny. I kind of feel like, and we probably talked about this before, but like, I don't think they get a ton of takes. you

You think? Oh, yeah. They were moving fast. It's a TV show. There's not a whole lot of time for it. I don't think they even care. They want it to be... It's campy. It's supposed to be campy. It's supposed to be like the comic. It's supposed to be campy. You're allowed to not be completely fucking...

nero right like yeah no it's it this whole show is a wink yeah it's done with a totally and so like yes we have the squid fucking nerd making this fucking restaurant thinking we have a straight squid word The squid nerd, the chef. But he thinks he's like Colonel. He compares himself to Colonel Sanders. And I'm like, dude, don't compare chicken and squid. His wife's like, why don't we serve something like chicken? Whereas already.

There's already chicken. Everybody does chicken. No one's doing squid. Also, no one's doing feces pie. Doesn't mean you gotta cook one up. We're like, I'm gonna make apple juice or I'm gonna make hot dog soup. What are you talking about? There's no comparison. On a cold day, hot dog soup might be pretty good, bud. Hot dog water. Here you go. Hot dog water. I made you some hot dog cider.

Yeah. Like, it's just weird that he's comparing himself to that. But then like the idea that you, I don't even like who in the fucking right mind would be like, I'm going to open a squid restaurant. I don't know how much money she have to do it. Cause you have to take a loan with a bank and you have to kind of explain your business to get out a loan.

you're supposed to. How the fuck would you sell that idea? Oh, this guy's gonna make some money off this squid macaroni and cheese. Is that what he's doing? He's just throwing it into shit? We got squid and waffles. We got fucking squid and waffles. None of it's good.

Dude, like fried squid and waffles. It is so gross that when we actually start getting into human meat steaks, we're like, eh. I'd rather than squid. I'd rather. At that point, you're like, that looks better. Then when she brings that platter out to those guys on the street and it's a bunch of plopped squids.

Right. I don't even know what. It didn't even look cooked. No, it didn't look cooked. I mean, that's fine. Sushi is a thing. I get it. It's trying to be horrible. But it looked like a whole squid uncooked. Just like, throw some cilantro on that or something. Give me some flavor. Give me some garnish. Maybe. Anything, man. Anything. I mean, he doesn't even want it. He gives it to his buddy who's also tossing it. Yeah, they're starving, but they're not going to even eat that shit. Would you?

No. I'd rather, I'd say, you know what, I'm just gonna have a little of my own stomach lining for dinner tonight instead of a fucking cold squid. Get out of town. You didn't eat your squid salad, bud. I already have a stomachache. I'm starting every day with a stomachache. I don't need to continue this stomachache. This squid has mayonnaise in it.

I can barely find a place to shit in this world as it is. You think I want to run to a toilet bowl so fucking tentacles can come out of my ass? That's a waking Cronenberg nightmare. What does squid look like coming out? I've never eaten squid, so I don't know. You know, they can squeeze themselves into any shape and position, so it doesn't matter. Dude, they're aliens. You guys have seen Old Boy? Yeah. The scene where fucking homeboy eats the live octopus.

I've watched a lot of newer videos of people eating live octopus, and the fucking octopus is trying to not be eating it. I don't want me chomping down something that's trying to open my mouth to get out.

And like, you know, probably solve math problems better than me. Sometimes when I eat... weird things like and i do eat weird things because i'll still eat fish occasionally on special occasions and i'll eat something horrible i'll eat i'll be like so i'm like oh we're gonna let's go out to oysters like i went out to oysters with trixie And it was delightful because Trixie's company is the greatest company in the world.

We went to oysters and then I ate a bunch of fucking oysters. And then the next day, that night I had the weirdest dreams of my life. I dreamt that I was like, uh-oh, I was cooking an animal over a spit. And it turns out I thought it was a fucking chicken and it's a skunk. I'm cooking a hairy skunk over a spit. Like just burnt hair? Yeah, burnt hair, skunk glands popping. And then I was like, I guess we got to eat it. What's the flavor? And I took it off the spit, and it was still alive.

Oh, my God. Like, it's hell. That's like hell. Yeah, that's a fucking Hellraiser episode. And then I have these dreams like that. Every time I eat something weird. Yeah. And I oftentimes eat something weird, like I said. So I was like, fucking, why? Why did I do that to myself? It's hell. And I always have, like, sometimes I think after we watched Exocense, I had a dream where I was eating, like, these fucking weird...

Ducks. Oh, God. I have these horrible... Every time I have a horrible dream, I'm always eating something. You're eating something. It's not quite dead. Josh's nightmares are all about food. Oh, they are. Because you know what's also about food? My dreams. All of my dreams. Not just my nightmares. The best dreams. Like, ooh, I'm in a strawberry shortcake. So, but...

I mean, recently we've talked about eating people. Yeah. I don't know why, but that's what we do here. Because we watched The Wolf. The Grey. The Grey. The Grey, yeah. So this guy has a bright idea to like, I don't know, spice it up with some new... meats or something like got it's new meats in the fridge for that well he's like you guys should do some barbecue because he's like talking about trying to save the business right right yeah yeah and

Superman wants nothing to do with this, guys. Superman's like, no one wants barbecue. Dog, you're a fucking alien from Planet Krypton. You don't even eat. Also, the landlord came through asking about that rent money. No one's coming to fucking eat squid. They haven't paid rent in months. And it's Meatloaf. We get Meatloaf playing the landlord Chumsky? Chumsky. Is that what it is?

know chum chummy chum chums i only let me give it to you chumly chumly like the guy from pond stars or whatever i'm throwing water to get sharks now the first person that is made into meat is the actor Meatloaf. What came first? The chicken or the egg? The meat or the loaf? Do they hire him because his name is Meatloaf, and we're going to make you into Meatloaf in this episode? That's some meta shit right there. Or were they like...

Who's the best actor to play the landlord? I wonder. I wonder which one they chose. I don't know, man. What? Because you know what? Both of those are bad ideas. He sucks in this. Me-Love sucks, man. Yeah, he kind of sucks. You know what? I guess the only thing I really love him in is fucking... Fight Club? No, well, he's pretty dope. Rocky Horror? Yeah, Rocky Horror. Rocky Horror is... But you're exempt, right? Like, that's...

That's a different level. That's a different planet. Because everyone's good in Rocky Horror, even if they're bad in Rocky Horror. Sure. But that is like another... You are elevated strictly by being on the set of... Rocky Horror. You already need a different category. And yeah, he's awesome. Is it Bob? Fight Club. Fight Club, yeah. He's great.

But again, he's not necessarily acting his ass off. I've seen him in a couple other movies. I saw a movie called Roadie. I was always wanting to see because I knew it was like Homegirl plays... Wendy in Porky's is in it and I think she's revelatory I think she's actually an amazing Khaki Hunter is her name

I think she's an amazing actor. And I saw, and I knew she was in this movie that with Meatloaf called Rhodey, where he's following, where he's actually roading for like Blondie and all these other bands. It's kind of semi-interesting, but he sucks as an actor. That's the problem with watching Meatloaf is that he sucks at acting. Yeah, because he's not a fucking actor, right? That's why we kill him in this. He's gone in a minute. Yeah, you get him for a minute.

He's dead. But, like, I was just like, dude, that's way too on the nose to have the guy you're turning into fucking steak. But they didn't even make him into meatloaf. I know. That was a missed opportunity, right? Yeah.

You could be like, oh, he made a bunch of steaks, but he also made me love. They should have had Meat Loaf Monday or something, and they're still working on his ass. There's a lot of meat. We get into the freezer, and dude's homeboy's cutting steaks straight off his fucking tramps. Like fucking chop it away at his fucking butt. Yeah. And like, and then by that point, he's still.

Mostly there. And we get there like a day later. It's grisly, dude. A day later and it's like a neck and a spine. It's a head. It's head still on. Head, head and spine. Yeah. It's grisly. It's very grisly. I'm impressed how grisly that is. And Christopher Reeve's knife's stuck in it. Yeah. And the wife is like, oh, let me go into the freezer to get some pickles. Like, oh, go in there. Yeah, like, that was a little, like...

You're just going to not allow the owner of the... fucking restaurant to ever go back in the refrigerator again seriously like first of all you were not playing it cool you were not like if i was her i'd be like what are you fucking hiding yeah instantly i mean so judd nelson is obviously the drifter has

Killed the landlord and say, hey, two problems solved. Two birds, one stone. Killed your landlord. You don't got to worry about that problem anymore. Right. Probably do, though. Probably do. Got you this good ass meat, though. Got you this good meat. I love how he kills. So good that everyone like...

sniffing it out from the street going what's that people can smell it from down the block but I love when he admits when he finally tells like he's like I'm sorry I took a little initiative I got you guys some extra meat and he tells them in front of a fucking cop so he He's already being pretty fucking arrogant and ballsy. He just murdered Meatloaf and then made steaks and is feeding them to the cop.

Well, now that cop's complicit in it. He's got meatloaf in the fucking belly. Yeah. And who is that guy? He's in everything. He's in tons of stuff. He's always this kind of character, too. I want to say he's the dad from Wonder Years, but he's not. No, no, no. But he could have been the stand-in or...

They had to hire another guy. He's like that. He's played dads for sure. We've seen him in a million things. The actor's name is Art LeFleur. He was in The Blob, the one that we love. Right. He was a dad in that. Yeah. He was either a dad or a cop. Every time. Or both. Dude, motherfucker was in Cobra. Oh, shit. He was in the Sandlot. I love Cobra.

He was all kind of shit. Oh, right. Didn't he play Babe Ruth in fucking Cobra? That's right. In Cobra. And he's fucking in Cobra, too. So sick. Never when Sylvester Stallone and Cobra were driving around. Wait. Never mind. Wow. I like this. Whatever movie this is, I'm into it.

The car in Cobra, though. Cobra's sick. It's funny how in a lot of these cannibal... type scenarios or in horror movies it's always people are just loving the taste of the human meat I know because then you're like it makes me go like what is it really that maybe what makes me yeah it might be kind of good what's give me some of that Todd meat I was hungry I was kind of like looking at it going like I wouldn't Even when Christopher Reeves finally takes a bite.

And he gets fucking... It's like, is that thing made of fucking meth? Like, what do you do? Like, you're so pumped up right now. It's that dry rub that Judd Nelson's got. And it's probably just... It's a literal dry rub in there. Seriously. I rub it on my cock.

I haven't been bathed in forever. I have no house. It's like that story about that famous Italian bread place. They're like, we want to know the secret about your Italian bread. It's just one giant sweaty dude back there who takes the loaf, making it, slaps it on his back, slaps it on his front. Dressing up the bread in a hot oven. I'm sick right now. I just got such a stomachache. Just like, yeah, makes that salty look, baby. You guys have seen Waiting before, right?

No. I've never seen Waiting. Dude. But you know what's crazy? That's a movie with Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook. And Justin Long and fucking a million other fucking amazing people. In my mind, Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook are kind of the same guy back then. Are they very similar? No, not in that movie. Okay. But that movie is amazing, by the way. But also, it kind of never makes you want to eat out at a restaurant ever again.

But I want to watch it with you guys. Like, I want to make you watch that fucking movie. It's fucking great. I've always heard good things. It's fucking great. But anyways, I mean, even like Jordan Ladd. What's her name? Not Jordan Ladd. No, he is Jordan Ladd. She's in it, who we met, and there's been a bunch of... I've always heard it's a great movie, and it's really fun. Fucking fun. But anyways, I'm not going to spoil the whole movie, but there is a scene at one point where they...

make the Parmesan cheese on some garlic bread with fucking dandruff. And it's that kind of shit where I'm just like, what's wrong with Ryan Reynolds? Because I never want you to declare in my life after I saw the first movie with Ryan Reynolds in it. there where he has a bunch of fucking a dog jizz and a bunch of donuts yeah yeah oh my god i kind of love that movie too even though i know it's dog shit i remember seeing the movie at a friend's house i was like i don't feel so hot

I don't feel so hot. I don't think I might need to leave. When they're eating those and it's like jizz coming out of the fucking eclair, I almost fucking whore. I was ready to ralph, yeah. Fully ready to barf. But yeah, like... That has to be what's happening. But you guys would fully let a woman eat your jizz, though. Come on. You know you would. Oh, yeah, but I'm talking about a dog. I'm sorry. I'm talking about a dog. Watch it. All day, every day. But I'm talking.

to a dog yeah but like out of a out of it as food no also like there's something about like voluntarily eating cum From a human and involuntarily eating dog cum in an eclair. Would you please? I love where this is going. Welcome to the Fremendous Review of Van Wilder. Fucking whatever. 1996. Regardless, the dry rub is suspect in this episode. Everything is suspect. Yeah, everything is suspect.

But it's making that money. That elevated 20-minute arc you need to have for an EC Comics thing. I'm surprised that no one... could tell that they've never had that kind of meat before. I mean, are we too far from pigs? I mean, it's like having, I mean, no, we're not. We're that close that people were close enough. We're close enough to pick where you could probably not tell the difference. And historically, there's a million stories about people feeding people.

human unsuspectedly yeah so i guess if you're a hell of a cook not fine you got that hell of a good rub yeah you give it a fucking butt rub and you fucking yeah if suits you put anything in some some good sauce i'll down it i mean a1 sauce is something that could Probably make anything legit. You can mask any human scent. You know what that ingredient you really want to have for? That umami fucking thing A1 sauce is? Raisin paste. It's in there. Yeah.

I like raisins. I like raisins too. In fact, raisins are good. Dude, french fries with ketchup and A1 sauce mixed together is probably about the best. Ever. Sounds wonderful. Everyone's sauce is fucking bomb. Yeah, fuck yeah, it is. I could make human taste good. Yeah. They should advertise that. Yeah. Yeah. I'll eat your homie. Let me taste your Todd. Todd is delicious because of us. Give me some of them Todd's. Give me some of them Todd toes. But everyone's going literal ape shit.

Only human steaks. This place serves nothing else. What are you going to do, though? Now you've got a successful business, man. So now you're in kind of a pickle here. You know what you do? You fucking get a side of beef. You got money now. Get a side of beef and stop sliding. Yeah. But everyone's doing beef, Josh. No one's doing homies. That's so fucking gross. But also, like, so you're already in cahoots with this murder one hot dog.

What's that? Do you think they sold one hot dog one day? Yeah, just one. Is that it? I made you a special tube steak. Just one. For every 300 steaks, we have one hot dog. God damn. You're like, my hot dog today is real small. Sorry. That was mine. Yesterday was awesome. Those little micro dogs I'm messing around with. So gross. But...

People are, again, like, everyone's going ape shit for only steak, human steak, and occasionally some eggs. Because they did throw some eggs on the fucking thing. But I never saw eggs again. Those weren't eggs, buddy. Those were a wave of us.

Yeah, those were... Those kind of... Jesus Christ. They only had two. Served to the cop, too. That's good. I love that. Yeah, the first thing. And then the cop later on becomes a fucking... partner yeah we can just jump to that because we got another episode even talking about but but i mean so fucking drifty shifter shifty drifter shifty drifty he had the bright idea because also i think he just wanted to fuck

He was in love with this lady. He was throwing her eyeballs and shit. But he had this big grand idea. He was in a frame-up Superman. Yeah, try it. For murdering everybody. And then he was going to like, he took her gun and was going to like basically kill Superman. Good luck. With a bullet. Good luck. And then frame him up. And then I think just try to like smooze up on.

fucking lady right now we're rich now off this fucking meat look at it's my idea it was my idea all along although he then he's like telling her already that it has been people And it was him that was doing the murdering. So she, of course, doesn't care. She's happy also that it's fucking in the business of Bane. But dumb shit.

Like, yeah, he didn't plan so hot because they were already expecting all this, right? Yeah, the big twist is, yeah, they already knew what he was all about and they fucking killed him. Yeah. Serve his ass up. Serve his ass up. Put him on the menu. Cop became a partner. Mm-hmm.

What were they going to call it? It was like Irma and Eds or something like that. Yeah, but his name was like Fred or something or Phil. Yeah, Phil. Yeah. I mean, in the realm of Tales from the Crypt episodes, it wasn't that...

It wasn't as crazy as I was expecting. No. Yeah. It's a little, it's pretty simple. Yeah. But it's, it's fun. There's no supernaturalness. Cause I, I'm always like thinking there might be some of that stuff. And a lot of times there isn't, but. And the cast is banging. Totally. Love the cast. It's fun. It's just an easy, quick little.

Yeah. Little Ripper. Morsel. Tasty Morsel. It's one single hot dog. When I've been watching them, they're all in a row. I don't know how you guys are watching them, but I've been watching them... on a streaming service so I can flip through and back and forth. What streaming service are you watching on? I've been watching everything on YouTube. It's none of your business. Okay.

What I've been liking about... It's essentially Scambox TV, pretty much. I've got them on DVD, so I'm excited to watch them. I have a homie that's like... Does a lot of like booty business. Sketchy shit. He's a drifter. He's a digital drifter. And he's got the entire series up there. And he's shared it with me. So I'm like, okay, well, I want to watch all these. But like seeing, if you're watching on DVD, you know that this is...

right next door to the fucking zelda one this is like the one before the zelda rubinstein okay yeah that we watched last time i've just been plugging because these all are on youtube i've been plugging them in that way and just watching them that way i the thing i don't know why they're not on hbo max that's like crazy fucking stupid put them all up there I love, though...

the ones that are on YouTube and I usually will choose these ones in particular that are straight, just fucking dupes from HBO. They have the full intro from HBO with a little miniature thing going through town. Like all this, the music, it's all fucking warbly cause it's fucking just duped from a VC. I love it. It's sick. I'm so hyped on it. And it brings back such nostalgia and memories. I'm like...

This is the fucking shit. Yeah, I love it. And of course, we've talked about it many times, but that intro, hands down, the best fucking intro. One of the best. One of the spookiest and most fun intros. I love it. We lost Art LaFleur in 2021. No more dad and cop. No more dad cops. He was the world's best dad cop. With a chin like that, you gotta be. America's dad cop. Yeah, I mean, he's American dad. Yeah, pretty real. Straight up, yeah, physical.

So the other one he chose... Which I've been hearing. We've talked about this quite a bit. I mean, secretly, yes, of course. I think we've talked about it maybe a little bit on... This is one that Josh and I are quite fond of. We've talked about it in Hush Whispers around... We've been like...

I think the last time we talked about it was when we did the last Tales of the Crypt episode. I was like, Jeff, figure out one that's equally as horny as this one we're about to watch as a pairing so that I can disconnect my penis to my body in a jerky face.

fashion i'm kidding y'all i've never touched it no i i've never i had never seen it so i had no reference and i just heard you guys kind of whispering we just threw it on horny whispers yeah i mean we threw it on one day at the old studio we were like let's let's watch Tales from the Crypt on this big projector. And we watched it huge on the wall and it looked really good. And I was like, I've never seen it. And I was like, this is a hot one. Yeah. So this is season...

two episode nine four-sided triangle four-sided triangle she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not What do flowers know about love anyway? Well, hello there boils and duels. Just getting in the mood for tonight's tawdry tale. A story of love and lurid lust in the dust. sure to arouse the sickies amongst you to some heavy breathing. A tale I call four-sided triangle.

Why it called that though? It's like a love triangle and he's a, there's a fourth person kind of in the mix. So this one's pretty fucked up guys. Like I feel like the second time watching it through. The horniness was taking a backseat to the leering problems I was experiencing while watching it. Yes, there is many a problem from the fucking jump. But we are, as an audience, also a part of the problem. Because it's making us leer at her.

what the peeper saw this is what the peeper saw we're the peepers and yeah yeah but i mean you can't it makes you yeah it makes you pervy like you know yep that when you see like i don't want to sound like a fucking horny perv But... I like the way that Patricia Arquette's put together. There's something about it that appeals to me. Yes, sir. I'll tell you what it did in whatever the movie was. True Romance, was that the one I saw first? And it did...

The other fucking day when I watched Severance, I'm like, I don't care. Still fine as hell. She's beautiful. A fine ass lady. You're not the only one on the planet. Am I the only one? You're not the only one on the planet. Am I the only one in this room? Do you know my brother has had lunch with me? her what the fuck like in recent years unbelievable i was like so fucking jealous i like

Just like, oh, I had lunch with Patricia Arquette today. Remember her from Nightmare on Elm Street 3? I was like, boy, I think I still got a fucking half chug from 1986. We're all in love with her. She is those lovable person. Like, not just absolutely. stunningly gorgeous person, but like lovable. I've listened to interviews with her. She seems so fun and so sweet. From what I hear, she's very laid back. She's very cool. Yeah. She seems rad as fuck. She's beautiful. Just charming.

I've loved her since the jump, since you first saw her. I felt, I mean, I was young. And it's not like they made her sexy in that movie. She's just great. She's a great actor. She's a badass and you're like, I fucking dig her. She's cute. She's a badass. I'm into it. And then she got fine as hell. She got extra double fine.

And this episode is like, it is fucked up. It's showing it off. Yeah, because again, we are made complicit because it jumps off. We have this old lady with a fucked up leg who's pissed. And not just any old lady. She's in Pet Sematary. Yep.

This is, I mean, another great fucking cast. I love every one of these people. This whole cast is great as well. They're so good. Who is your husband? He's in a major league, which I grew up watching and I fucking love. He's been in a bunch of shit like that. I feel like there was something, another horror movie that he was in.

And I'm trying to think of what it was. And I feel like he got kind of fucked up. Like he got kind of like, not maybe possessed or like something happened to him. And I think he was kind of half fucked up. I don't know. I just know from major league, man. Okay. The actor's name is Chelsea Ross. He's great though. And he was in.

Pill and Ted's Bogus Journey. He was in Hoosiers. He was in Mad Men. He played Conrad Hilton. Right, right, right. He's fucking awesome. He's in so many things that it's impossible to actually sort through. Sure. To discover. Yeah, yeah, to figure out what. Yeah.

One thing. Amazing character. Great face. From Pet Sematary. He played like the... They're like a farm couple. Nanny or whatever. Yeah. So they own a farm. Her and her husband. And I guess they came...

Somehow came into owning this girl. We don't find out right away, but you initially think she's like their daughter. This is my first time, so I'm coming in here with very fresh eyes. She wakes her up with a... fucking funk on the fucking dome piece yeah where's my you know because she wakes up and she starts smelling doesn't smell her coffee doesn't smell whatever she's pissed starts whacking on this chick who i think is her daughter to go make the coffee and go get the eggs and whatever

And she's screaming. She scrambles outside. And her voice sounds exactly like yours. who the mom yeah yeah where's my coffee low and rough but um and she's nailing it and like there's something like just like yeah she's just creepy like she's just fucking nailing that she's a freaking crone yeah because this is ec comics there's archetypes yeah for sure you get yourself a fucking farm crone yeah and you got the old pervo farmer guy right yep and then you have like new bio young fucking servant

person who's shy and creepy and damaged and somehow happened across this farm and there's like a drifter herself yeah they picked her up but she had robbed someplace and then they like basically nabbed her as she was like and then she can't get off they hold it over her head because they're like 60 plus miles out from anyone yeah so she's trapped she's fucking trapped yeah so we see her like she has to go get the eggs in the morning or whatever the fuck right she passes by

Farmer fucking, yeah. Yeah, whatever. Chester. Yeah, whatever this guy. And he's already, dude, could barely keep it in his fucking pants. Dude, the moment he sees her, he's fucking. It's like that cartoon dog with his fucking jaw on the ground. Totally. Yeah. He's fully. Fucking Pepe Le Pew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But without, with no, like in his head, he's saying all the Pepe Le Pew things, but in his, in real life, he's like, ha ha ha ha. Dude is drooling. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what?

Me too, bud. Up top, pervert. Straight up. I know we have so much in common with this guy. He's like the villain of the fucking thing. What fucking director made me this complicit in alluring at Patricia Arquette? You fucking Tom Holland.

They're giving us PUV shots of him with his eye through the hole. She goes in there and she makes herself comfortable. She takes off her jacket. It's hot in the barn. She's got a tank top with no bra. And it is majestic. It is. It is majestic. And then you catch yourself. Then you're the farmer. We can't lie.

We love it. Yeah. We love to see it. Yeah, we love to see it. Everyone's looking. Yeah, I'm nudging the farmer looking to not hold. Yeah, I know, right, but me too, huh? I'm a fucking disgusting man. You're at the hole below him, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tugging on his fucking pitchfork. But again, like, yeah, I mean, you are made complicit. You are a peeper. I rewound that part. I'm sorry. I admit it now. I'm sorry.

It's problematic. And it's also the hottest thing I ever did see. And there's not actually... They purposely made it hot and made it... framed it in such a way that you're supposed to look, you're supposed to know what's happening. Tom Holland knows it. Chelsea Ross knows it. And Patricia Arquette also knows it. As a vegan, I've never wanted eggs more. She wants to play with your eggs, huh? It's tough.

Dude. Grab my eggs. It's tough out here. Grab my eggs. It's tough out here in the barn. Yeah. Yeah. And she somehow senses the fucking perversion. Probably all the... Yeah. Or hears like... Yeah, it sounds like the sweat squirting off this dude's forehead sounds like it's raining outside. Yeah, like you would think this guy ran a marathon. He's just sweating and breathing. He's got a fucking oil cloth on his neck. He's bright red.

And like, so yeah, she sort of captures him and he kind of runs away, acts like nothing happened. She walks past him with some eggs and he immediately goes, Milk that cow. I want to see you milk that cow. Are you fucking serious right now, guy? And she's like, dude, your fucking wife wants me to get the eggs. He's like, I don't care. You got to milk that cow right now. I'm surprised he didn't climb up that cow's butt and stick his dick down the other way.

Because that's essentially what happens in this thing anyway. It is. There's no subtleties in Tales from the Crypt episodes. I love that about it. It's just like so hardcore. It's just so over the top. But so fucking problematic. Oh, 100%. It's not meant to be. Yeah. But the moment that we...

We stop peering through the hole in the barn. It goes very much downhill. It's rough. He's a villain. He has to be a villain. Very abusive. Yeah, because he's got to get his. You want him to get his, yeah. All he sails from the crypts. The more villainous they portray someone, Tales from the Crypt should be called Tales from the Comeuppance, because it's all comeuppance. Yeah. Every time, it's like, you...

You asked for it, dumb dick. And it is always, like, usually pretty gratifying, right, when it happens. The fucking, you know, the monkey's paw. Grabs your ass. Sticks his finger right up your butthole. Not in that good way that you like. No, hard, sharp nail side. Yeah, not hit the G spot at all. You got a disease right before.

you died of electricity through the nail of the monkey's paw in your dick hole so he can't this watching her fucking milk this cow is too much for him to handle he fucking loses his mind you know to the jizz in his pants yeah he's he hulks out

White Hulk's out. Hulk's out. Jesus Christ. He's pent up. Tries to attack her. She fucking fights him off and he fucking hits her over the head with something and like breaks her fucking dome. Isn't it fucking like a milk jug? Like a bottle? Milk bottle. Something on milk, maybe a bottle of some kind. And busts her head, and she's bloody, and he thinks she's dead. And by this time, his wife is coming out, asking what all the noise is. She clearly suspects what the fuck...

that's going on with this guy, what he's been doing. She ain't blind. Yeah, I know. She also can see everything in that tank top like us. She can see it. He's not hiding his fucking sweaty forehead. When he comes out, he covers her up with some hay. And then comes out and is breathing. And she's like, do you hear that? Did you hear her scream? Where's blah, blah, blah? And he's like, I didn't hear her scream. Sweat just...

Be like, what are you doing, dude? What's up with that heart on there, bud? What's up with that fucking spronger you got there, dog? You haven't had one of those in about 50 years. That's your problem, actually. You need to be tugging on that thing on the rig. Maybe you'll fucking...

Control your goddamn self. Dude, it is rough. And yeah, he's just lying through his teeth. She can tell. We can tell. Everyone knows. Yeah, his wife knows 100% what's going on with a little shit. What a shit he is. You know if you ever cheated on him. What are you doing in there with her? Because she milks the cow, not you. What are you doing? Yeah. And then by that point, she ran off.

She's gone. She runs off into the cornfield. And then we get Clown in a Cornfield, which people are watching that right now. It's at a movie theater. Clown in a Cornfield. Sounds like some cat shit to me. Jeff's like, pass. Moving on. Moving on. I'm doing this, but it's because it smells in here. When you mention clown in the cornfield, that sounds like some cat shit sitting. She comes across a...

A scarecrow. A scarecrow. Thank you, with a nice clown mask. A clown crow. Yeah. A clown crow. That's a good scarecrow. It's scary. Yeah. I like it, yeah. And then she sees it move to help pick her up off the ground. Yeah. And by that time, the couple finds her. And she's talking nonsense now. She's certain because it moved a little bit, it wants to fuck.

It's her boyfriend now. She's in love with it now. It's her man. It's her man. My man. Oh, man. I like how he's like, don't listen to anything she said. She bonked her head real good. And then she does start speaking crazy. Some stroke of luck. See, I told you. I told you Mary Jo or whatever. I'll tell you what. Farmers aren't dumb like that. I grew up on a farm, goddammit. I'll tell you what.

Bobby Joe. Yeah. I mean, he's, he's like a fucking, like a corn cob away from the hills. Have I? Yeah. Very much. Yeah. Oh, stop it. And when they're like talking about the fact that they have.

her captive forever and all this shit. Oh, she's going to take care of us. Like, what makes you think she's going to take, if soon as you guys get sick or something like that, she's going to poison your food. You're dead. She ain't going to take care of nothing. She already got gonked at one time. She doesn't know anything. She has, but it went past.

After that, she was acting fairly erratic and doing some wild shit. I don't know. She seemed to be like she was cooking breakfast and didn't really seem to even mind that he was fucking lurking on her. I know. She's all happy. My man. How's that smell? You like that smell? My man's going to like it. Yeah. Changed her outfits.

shit running around all of a sudden she's like straight up fucking gone with the wind scarlett o'hara fucking goofiness she's working him up though i mean we know from the end that she's just working him up yeah well yeah because it takes him a minute to figure out his plan

So yeah, he gets the brilliant idea when she's like, someday my man will make, someday I'm going to fuck that Scarecrow is what she's saying. Right. Yeah. Someday I'm going to fuck that scarecrow. If only that scarecrow would climb down and fuck me, I would be happy and satisfied. He's like, beep!

There's like an incline of like a little bit of influence for fucking Pearl in this. A little bit of Pearl for sure. Yeah, yeah. Definitely. I don't think this is an uncommon idea. I feel like this is... Aren't all these based on...

EC Comics in a way, like actual EC Comics. Right. I thought you meant like farm girls wanting to fuck scarecrows. You know what? Is that a thing? I think that that might... I'm sure if these are all stories that are based on shit from the 50s and 60s, then this is a story that...

is also came from those comics and was also based on another part of lore where it's like, I'm a touched ass farm girl who wants to fuck a scarecrow and the scarecrow is alive or whatever. Some, I mean, there's dark night of the scarecrow. That's in the seventies. Yeah.

Like, all these, you know, scarecrows were more common than cell phones back in those days. Right. And pretty fucking scary. Scarecows come to life, definitely. Yeah, that's some scary shit. It might be a little more of a vintage scary thing. And if you're lonely out on a farm, you might be a little hungry. Sure. I mean, look at Pearl. She was horned up and she fucking stopped and fucking humped a scarecrow. Yeah, right. So it's not a fully unique idea.

what's unique about it is that everyone in the room wants to be that scarecrow and only one man in that 60 mile radius can climb into the scarecrow outfit. Sure. Oh, and she's fucking like climbing him like a fucking, like a stripper pole. And she's like on him like a spider monkey.

Sure. We probably all had that one thought, like, I wish I was a scarecrow. You know what? I might need to change my outfit. To some hay. No, yeah, that was, yeah. Homie wakes up in a fucking frenzy because he still hasn't fucking busted. one, this is the whole thing happening. Dog, get out there in the field and...

Work your own corn cob one time. It would change your life, man. Just get it out safely on your own. Save everybody's lives on your own. You'll have some clarity and you'll be like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck was I doing? What's wrong? I got the work to do. What the fuck's wrong with me?

do right now. I haven't done one ounce of actual farming in six months. I've been working on this engine for weeks. I've been rubbing it. I'm just taking pieces apart and putting them on the ground. I just keep shining this one knob. I don't know. I should be shining that knob.

your fucking knob one time. You are in isolation. Why can't his lady fuck him? She's been sucking on cigs this whole time. Suck him one time. She doesn't want to suck another. She's so mad. She's the angriest woman I've ever seen in my life. Horrible. No, you don't. Just all around horrible. Just... Touch your wiener. Crawl out to the fucking corn cobs. Milk your own. Just go behind anything and touch your wiener. Literally. Conjure one of the images I just saw. You ain't gonna last, but...

15 seconds, dog. It's over. It wasn't cool, but... It was still in the realm of not completely criminal, of you peeking through the fucking thing. Like, you peeked. You filled up your bank. Yeah, exactly. You have material. You have the regret. You get the thing done. Yeah. You're like, I am the worst. Yeah. And you correct your position. You go back to work on the fucking truck. Let the person you've kidnapped do her chores. Get the eyes off the fucking servant. Yeah. It is.

dicey is bad it is because again like a lot of these like tales from crypt episodes yeah there's some horny ones and there's some stuff but they don't all end with you being like jesus fucking christ Right. I mean, it's usually not fucking doing this and pulling this off. And it's such a bummer to be complicit in the perviness of it all. Yeah. As much as it's not a bummer, it's equally a bummer. Yeah. Well, and fucking dumb shit. His wife, of course.

is on to him 100 wakes up he's gone She's gone. She fucking drives a tractor out to the fucking... Exactly where they're at. He's in the outfit. He's getting climbed on. You kind of don't know it, though, for a minute. It's kind of a reveal. Why does she have... She's... Vince said this scarecrow is alive and it's her man. And then...

We don't know that he left yet. And then we see its eyes open. We're like, oh shit. And we're tales from the crypt. This could be anything. I was hoping that that was the fourth person. And then that person, that weird supernatural scarecrow. Her man would then kill them. I like that if that actually worked on you. Yeah, it did. I think that's how it was supposed to be. That's what I thought the first time I saw it, for sure. Also, because I was like, one, two, three.

Oh, Scarecrow's four. Right. Four-sided triangle. Yeah. I get it. But it's fucking... So you don't get Cletus up in there. Yeah. The motherfucker got up in there. Yeah. But so she's rolling up and he's smooching, which also I'm like... This is the worst case scenario for you because you have a glove and a whole costume on, mask and everything. You're not kissing her. You're not getting like you're, you know, yeah, you're like rubbing on her, but it's not like.

I don't think it would be too gratifying. Regardless, it's all horrible. It's all horrible. It's all terrible. Don't get me wrong. Yeah. It didn't get too far. He ain't thinking straight. Yeah. But yeah, it didn't get too far. His wife is fucking cooking in the tractor. He sees her coming. And he was like, nope, time to dip, and gets back up on the phone. I was like, whoa, dude. Gets in the pose, yep. I would run. Yeah. Because you know that she's...

She threatened to castrate him already. You know what I'd do if you ever found out you cheated on me. Taking your fucking nugs, your eggs. She's going to hide him in the fucking hen house. But yeah, so he fucking just is like, peace. And then she just thinks, like, my scarecrow's going away. And she's like, no, he was just about to fucking fuck me in there. Sorry, that's my best petition or get impersonation.

But yeah, because she's obviously, she's bonked. So she's thinking that that is actually her man. She's freaking out, yeah. Yeah. And then fucking she had brought her pitchfork.

The wife had brought the pitchfork out with her. She's had enough of this nonsense. She's like, I'm going to prove to you that this thing isn't alive once and for all. He's not real. He's not alive. Hear me jab it a couple times at this fucking pitchfork, all the while killing her husband. Yeah. But I'm like, you dumb shit. When she pulled the pitchfork off the tractor... Okay. All right, it's me. Sorry. Sorry. I would have just been like...

jump off, and just hightail into the cornfield. She's not going to catch you? Not at all. Even on the tracker. And then pretend it wasn't you later. Hey, what's going on out here? You drive out of a different place. You're like, fucking Jed, the cow. He did it. What's going on out here? All sweating in your underpants. What's going on? What's all the noise? There's some critter out there. I was the man asleep while I was. Yeah. Jesus. Some critters.

So good. She kills her husband not knowing that he's in this outfit. You fool. I love it. His last thing to do is he falls and pulls off his mask. I'm like, that's your last bit of energy to reveal real quick for the audience. It's me. It's me. I love it. Yeah. And then, of course, Patricia Charquette fucking kills a lady, and she's free. Yep.

Plan worked. It all worked. These fucking idiots. You think she left or you think she stayed with her man? I think that was all a ruse, my dude. You think it was a ruse? Yeah. You think she was just pretending? Did you notice how she was fully over it as soon as she...

She was, yeah. Really? And she's like, I'm free. And she was like, free, but I thought that maybe that she... No, I think she was playing these fools the whole time. Wow, I like that. She worked him up to get her to kill her husband.

That's a good plan. It's a good plan. Bonk some smarts into her. Not that she wasn't smart already. No, she bonked the scenario in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I think she played it. I mean, you can read it however you want, but I think she fully played them. No, that makes sense, though.

because it was a good plan yep you know you take this idiot dude who like you know you just basically be like this costumed scarecrow is my boyfriend I would totally fuck this thing if someone were to get in it I hope one day he comes alive and tries to have sex with me you might as well just fucking just brought the costume to him you know yeah yeah yeah because you basically did it's a hell of a plan and it's um it worked dude yeah homeboys got

Many holes in him now. Yeah, he got penetrated. Not her. Yep. Runt through. Perfect. Four times. Poetic. Yeah, four punks. Yeah, it's funny because I remember you guys talking about this one, and yes, it is very horny, but I think I ended up not feeling so horny. Yeah, the second time around, maybe I was like, oof.

I love Scarecrow, especially with a clown mask on. That's always spooky and creepy and weird. We love Triquette. We love the whole cast. It's a good one all around. It is definitely. Of all the ones we've seen, it's up there. It's a good one. troubling for sure yeah it's troubling it's but it's also but it's a good one it's a bit sweaty at a time and no one can deny it yeah but damn when he's like having dreams and he's just replaying that peephole scene over and over again

Like, I feel you, bud. No, no, I get it. I get it. I feel you. Don't do it. Yeah, don't do it. Leave it right here in your dumb mind. Leave it exactly right there. Yep. Yep. Because, Jesus Christ. I was happy they replayed it. I'm like, thank God he's having a dream about it because I wanted to watch it again anyways. I got it back in the pervert's head. Ah, we're uncomfortable.

It's a problem, but still, I mean, it's designed to be a problem. But it's also, I love Patricia Arquette. What are you going to do? Was that one, because that's season two. That's season two. So was that a comic originally? Because I think as they got farther out, they weren't comics anymore. I don't know which ones are exactly from the comics and which ones aren't. I'm pretty sure most of the first season was actually from comics. I'm not sure from there on out. And this was adjacent.

To the ventriloquists. Like that was like a twofer or whatever? Well, the next one, like the next episode was the Bob Goldfwait one that we watched. So good. Yeah. Yeah, see, it's funny. There's some bangers that are together. There's some really good ones, yeah. There was an episode right before that I watched. It's called For Crying Out Loud and it's got...

Iggy Pop in it and Frankie Inouye from Blondie and it was like they played a band at this club and it's really bad he's got Sam Kinison in it as like some dude's inner monologue and fuck god damn Sam Kinison it's It's a bad episode. It's a bad fucking episode. And it makes you like the perfect amount of Sam Kinison in the world is back.

to school and you can just get the fuck out like even then it's like even then it's enough yeah it's too much yeah anything else is just annoying i mean it's not surprising that dude died from a heart attack Screaming like that all the time? Yeah, of course you did. Speaking of horned up weirdness, he was in a lot of SNL in the 80s. He kept showing up on SNL because he would just do his thing.

around SNL because they were like oh he would just show up everywhere he was like on Married with Children just pop in and out like what the fuck but he always was doing he never did anything other than scream and trying to be like a full trying to lean himself into like rock star mode as well he brought As a date to SNL, Seika, the actor Seika. Oh, okay. Adult film actor Seika. Was she a porn actress also? She was an adult film actor the entire time. And not much else.

Yeah. But like the most famous in the 80s, 70s and 80s. And he brought her on and said to this whole monologue where I was like, his wife left me, but look who's laughing now. Look who I'm here with. Look who my date is. Wow. And I'm like, wow.

It's fucking odd. But then you get to see Seika interact with all the... performers on SNL like just talking to them on like the good night stage and everything like wow wow yeah that's wild but fuck Sam Kinison and fuck that episode it came before this one because it's stupid it's not good but I mean I love Iggy Pop

I love to see him. I love to see him back, too. I think he's great. Totally. But yeah, this was another fun one. I really like this episode. I do. It is very fun. I mean, again, the cast is rad and everything. It's memorable. It's one that sticks with you, though. It's memorable. And yeah, I will remember it for a long time. It's hard to downplay that pervy problem. Yeah. I mean, it's funny because like...

I'm looking at through very like much 2025 eyes. If I had seen this in the nineties, like as a young man, young Jeffrey over and over here. I mean, I can imagine this could be tug worthy. This might be, A classic wank? A classic wank. It might be. I hate to say it. When I first saw it in 2019, alongside Jeff Overen. A classic wank. It might be. It's different through 2025 eyes, but still, the 2019 eyes, it was...

Horny. And the thing is, there's never actually any nudity. No. That's what's insane about it. It's really leering. It's super leering. I mean, it is only leering. But it is funny because you're watching that scene and you're like, Jesus Christ. But you're also like... you're me who had never seen it before. I'm like, And... What else you got? But you know what? It's enough. Boy, is it enough? Yeah. No, it's like...

the most incredible implied scene that you, you know? Yeah. So, but yeah, I mean, and again, it is so fucking problematic. We can't, we can't not say it. I got a bucket of caveats right here. So I'm going to be dishing out. But yeah, it is also a fun one. Is it fun? I hate to say that. Not fun. I keep saying fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. It's a struggle. It is a horror episode. It's a struggle. Yeah.

It's struggling and I'm juggling. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, I don't know. Like, again, I have never seen... 99% of this stuff. I've been stoked on getting the things curated because I feel like I'm getting the best ones. I'm going through the shitty ones. I'm getting a nice curated trip. I went rogue on one episode and I was like...

I regretted it. Don't do that. No, I love it. I will continue to just do the ones that people I trust suggest, and that's where I'll stay. Do we do the Demi Moore one that has like...

There's a Demi War one that's relatively famous. I don't think we've done that one yet. I remember watching it, though, and I was stoked on it. Maybe Jeffrey Tambor is in it. What the fuck? Again, it's so wild. I feel like they have a bunch of names in a fucking Yahtzee cup and like... like throw it out and it's like who's in this episode fucking you know it's always a wild matchup like

Billy Barty and fucking Billy Crystal and... All the Billies. Billy Dee Williams. I want to see that one. It probably exists. I should probably search it for it. Season six, episode nine. The Billies. Yeah, I mean... it's always a treat because they are decent they are well done and well done in the in the realm of you know the ec comics especially at the time like these

They don't hold up super fucking well now, but in the 90s when these were errant, they were so good. They were so sick. And they are just like these little bite-sized morsels. Actually scary, actually funny, all the things. And of course, kind of cheese ball, but they're still good.

Like the gore is up there. Yeah. The language is rough. Star-studded. Yeah, when she's... done stabbing him with the pitchfork and they're showing him bleeding out and it's like kind of chugging it's like it's gnarly like you're like fuck dude like don't forget these are like yeah you know fucked up it's fucked up horror and sci-fi royalty made these fucking things yeah every time so yeah no that's

It was funny seeing Tom Holland's name. I was like, holy shit, dude. Sure. Forget it. It's all, you know.

It's all royalty, like you say. So that's fun. Thank you, Siler, for choosing these guys. There you go, Siler. Happy birthday, bud. Thank you, Siler. Hope you enjoyed that. We certainly did. Yeah, definitely. And we enjoyed our gift. Fucking ghoulies. We're laying around ghoulies. now. So we're surrounded by little ghoulies. We're feeling good, man. Now we just need a stuffed Patricia Arquette. 1993. They make those, you know. They happen to make up as close as this is to this.

The fish ghoulie is about as close as a... That was awesome. That was fun. That was really enjoyable to get to watch something cool. Definitely, yeah. We wish you the most happiest of birthdays and hope that...

This next year is great for you. Absolutely. Thank you, Siler. Let's also thank our sponsors before we dip out. Yeah, we'd like to thank The Next Record Store. TheNextRecordStore.com is how to check out what they got online. But if you're in Sonoma County or Northern California for any reason, definitely visit them in person.

1999 A Mendocino Avenue right here in Santa Rosa. Yeah. If you come into Santa Rosa, you're listeners of the podcast and you want to hang, hit us up. We'll meet you at the next record store. We'll shop with you. Let's do it. Let's shop for some records. Oh, yeah. You know, we'll be walking out over something. Think I won't? Yeah. Definitely.

Definitely will do that. We'll probably already be there. So get this up. Exactly. Yeah, check them out. They got so many great, amazing new things every single day. They have brand new LPs. They have used LPs. They have a whole soundtrack section we've just found literally when Jeff and I were there last week. found a fucking...

Puppet Master soundtrack and Waxwork soundtrack. I found the Ghoulies soundtrack there. You get so much wild shit there. Plus, not to mention all the great music just from your favorite artists. If you can't hop on Patreon or you just want to support us and you're looking for a record, do it through them!

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It helps us because they support us. So support them, please. The Next Record Store. And also, don't forget our friend Marty. At Play It By Fear. He carries all kinds of amazing physical media, VHS tapes, cassettes, audio, CD, you name it. Plus all kinds of other stuff. Hit up his...

Instagram, which is playitbyfear.33. He's down to do trades. He's down to buy collections. He's down to do all kinds of stuff and find titles you're looking for. Yeah, give him a follow on there. And if you have any questions about stuff you're looking for too, just plant the seed in his ear.

He'll let you know. He's got all kinds of stuff. Yeah. He's got the coolest table at nearly every convention. We have never not run into him and not bought a bunch of stuff. It's crazy. It's true. Every time. It's true. So go check him out. You can find him on Instagram at playitbyfear.33 and support him.

and we thank all of our sponsors. All right, and that's going to do it for this one, huh? Yeah. That was a lot of fun. Thank you all. Thank you, Siler. Yes, we love you. Thank you, listeners. We love these Tales from the Crap episodes. They're really fun. I don't know how it is that we talk longer about 40 minutes of TV than we do about...

three hours a movie right but it's it's a fun time i'll i'll do more someone else pick some more good ones i would love to i mean well at least we can just wait till next year's silo's birthday next year yeah we'll make it a year yeah thanks so we got two now on the bank so

Hey, yeah. We've got more. I think we've done some other ones too. Well, other advice for Siler specifically. Right. Yeah. We've done some on our own as well. And some on the Patreon. If you're not a patron, go check it out. Patreon.com slash Forever Midnight. We got 80 plus episodes over there for you to check out at the $5.

month lunch y'all haven't even heard yeah so much if you're if you've like exhausted our catalog we have a lot of people to hit us up they're like i listen to everything three times and if you got five bucks a month and maybe you want to skip a coffee and want to support your boys yeah guess what 80 plus episodes If you can listen to 80 episodes in a month, that's five bucks. Five bucks. Yeah. And good on you. What a steal. Wow. But yeah, we thank you all and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Forever Midnight is recorded at the Scary Movie Research Center in Santa Rosa. The music was written by Josh Staples, recorded by Paul Hale, and performed by Linda Amari, Elliot Whitehurst, Paul Hale, and Josh Staples. visit forevermidnight.net.