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This is the Flex and Frooms catch up podcast.
Hello Lovely, we know that you love it when we have a little am I the asshole moment or a little love line, or someone's asking for some advice and we have one. It's been a little while since we've got a actual voice note from a listener. Police send them through to at Flex and Frooms on Instagram. We are always ready to open our ear holes. Thank you Mickey for.
Trolling through them.
Here is one. Let's just play the tape, Mickey, please.
I get near it a lot, or I would say maybe once a week or so. So I've got with my friends looking hot and sexy and out of the above, and I meet a lot of other people who are hot and sexy, and we get along and we kind of do an all mighty together if you want so. I know that situation is probably not the most normal one. However, I meet all these hot and sexy people all the time.
I tried to make with my intentions towards these people and like try to set up a date or something like that, something more intimate, but I keep getting hit with Oh, I think you're really hard and resexing. Your energy is really special and it makes me feel so comfortable. But I'd better just be your friend, which begs the question sometimes like am I doing something wrong? Like am I not making my intention clear to the other person?
This is powerful.
This is like the self reflection that I want to see in the world.
Yeah, as a bare minimum, not to say the listener voice notes that have come before this or that will come after this are not as good. But it's lovely to hear how the person is thinking, not just the situation they're going through. So we don't double down with advice or feedback. That's irrelevant.
FLEXI initial thoughts place.
My initial thoughts are, this is just the contradiction of being alive. It kind of reminds me when you talk about straight people dating, and men often say I like a confident woman, a strong woman, someone who knows what they want. And then realistically, the qualities in which people find most attractive are submissive and affirming and agreeable and not chaotic, and so there is this contradiction between what people are putting you out into the world, what they're
actually attracted to, and who they're willing to date. Another thing that comes to mind, is that whether or not you think it's true, people really do date within these preconceived ideas. Because a lot of us view partnership with status. We have an expectation of the person we actually want to date I'm nodding aggressively versus the people that we keep at around us to you know, share our lives with, but also to bolster us and make us more appealing
to people we want to be appealing to. Because there's also that the power in what your connections do for you and how you want to be seen by other people outside of your inner circle. So that's what's coming up for the most part. I also think there's something about friend dynamics that really confuse romantic dynamics, and a lot of people have been burned in the past by trying to make a romantic situation out of a friendship situation. And for a lot of people, it's just not worth
ruining the vibe. It's hard to especially when someone is just like just like generically kind of hot. Like in order for you to ruin the friendship dynamics, I'm gonna need us to be solms. What do you reconize?
Sometimes that does happen I really like what you said about like the people that you choose to be friends with, for example, can be so different to the people you choose to date, and the idea that it's a status thing, like speak on it. I feel that very deeply, and it's a difficult thing to like recognize in yourself.
Which is why, for the most part, people don't really struggle with picking genuine friendships. I feel like it's also why a lot of people don't have friends, because it's a very genuine transaction. Like I like you for who you are. You like me for who I am. You're not really concerned with what I look like, or what I dress, or what I do in my spare time, what my job is. Because we're just here to be friends.
That is the expectation. If we were to say, oh, we're here to share lives, co create, bring something else into this world, a third party, secret, a third thing. Suddenly I'm now thinking, are you a good partner for me? Do we have the same shared goal, same shared values? And even if it's not that deep, maybe you're just shallow. Strangely, in the last two years, I've found myself in a
similar situation. People obsessed with your energy. They want to be friends, but they don't want to date you, and it's hard to unpack when it's you. So to avoid taking yourself out of the situation, let me tell you all the things that I would tell a friend, varying degrees of mean, just to get the point across.
Oh my god.
The first point I want to make is that I don't feel like a lot of us are aware that we all have agendas with who we choose to associate with, period whether or not you have the agency to act on that agenda. You know what you want out of your interactions. I want to have a good night out as I to Kiki with this person. They seem fun. This person has the best energy. I want to be around them. It makes me feel good. I love the way that person dresses. They look cool, and I want
to be cool. These aren't mean things. It just means that you're sometimes just a pawn in somebody else's experience and it feels personal because it's you, But for that person, you could have just been the accessory to their experience. And so by bridging that gap and trying to merge your experiences, what you're experiencing is that awareness that they're not the interaction you had was mostly about them. For
the most part, they can just not be interested. But I think when you're someone who has something to offer in the realm of social clout, people want to have that. It's yummy to be across that. If you think about it objectively, most people do not benefit from social clout.
I'm talking being really attractive, being really charismatic, being really well connected, having a lot of money, having a lot of resources, having the house to go to after after the club, having the house to go to, priests to Let's say only ten percent of the population have access to that, and so when you have that, you become the gatekeeper for somebody else's experience and they know exactly how close to be with you to be to gain access. I don't want to use that dumb phrase, why buy
the cow. You can get the milk for free. But when it comes to when it comes to friendships and just casual social relationships, you can get a lot from them without investing or committing to dating. Dating is a lot of effort, and nine times out of ten you come out of that traumatized, not in a grand way, but in a way where you kind of a lip. Without that, you gotta live without that. In the words of threw me from three months ago, oh dear, they're
just not that into you. He's just not that into you. It holds true, not in the sense that you would need to how do I explain that, in the sense that it's often not about the other person. Like I can walk through my life interacting with so many people making them feel a certain way or based on what I needed in that moment. I needed a good chat and so as being a chatty caffe you know what I mean. And then at the end of it, someone's like, let's hang out for coffee and I said, nah, I
got my fix. Thank you. I will say another fallacy about social interactions, being upfront doesn't mean you also receive upfront behavior. Okay, So your confusion with going into these interactions and being upfront and saying I really want dating, I really want romance and being expected to be met with that same kind of forward behavior is a fallacy. It's not how that works. Your forwardness isn't going to suddenly invigorate somebody else with enough self confidence to engage
in the situation in the same amount of way. Also, the way that you're perceiving your forwardness. You know, like, I'm leave no room for error. It's clarity, you know exactly what I want. People like the safety of ambiguity. People like knowing that you can go hang up with someone and you don't have to know what it is or what it isn't. As soon as you make something romantic, they are expectations of the pace or how you fit into each other's lives or where it goes from now,
and all of that just isn't fun. And so I guarantee that if you were hanging out with all of these hot sexy people and not being forward, you'd probably be getting near it way more often interesting people like. There's so much contradiction in the way that people behave but I know for like I would put money on it. People do not respond well to somebody else being forward because it puts them in a state of powerlessness. It
makes them feel like they don't have options anymore. And now you get to decide the pace, the tone, what it is, what it isn't. But when you're all just you know, not just friends, when you're just like neutral socializing beings, it's just stuff.
It's like when you feel. It's hard when you feel like you have to make a decision mm hm. When someone's like I want to date you, it's like wait but ah, and like, oh.
It's been brewing for you. You just told me, and now I got to like agree to go on a date. I don't even know how I feel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, even just yeah.
And dating is a lot of pressure, you know, Like that's why we're always looking for like a spark or something that makes us certain, because it is very painful to be on the receiving end of someone who's not certain. So I know a lot of people are hesitant to
go into situations knowing they're not sure. Yeah. True, So that's why they would say to you, I like your energy, I like your vibe, I like all these let's just be friends, because choosing to now engage in this like romancing means I've got to now be sure and that's just not fun.
What do you reckon here?
My boyfriend, my current boyfriend, was always like you're peaking out.
No, yeah, he was.
Always like putting out the vibe. That's something was going on between us.
But I just shot him down for so long because.
I was like no, like we're friends, we go, we enjoy time together, like we're not doing it. So I definitely understand the some extent when you're out and bout and you're trying to meet people, they're not necessarily the people that you want to blur those lines with in particularly if you're having so much fun with them, you don't want to be like last week we kiss and this week I don't really.
Want to care And why did you kiss somebody? Yes, like oh I thought it was us, And oh you're sleeping within another friend of mine. That's weird.
Yeah, I think it can just get confusing.
There is a virtue and just not trying to date your friends. I get the one size fit to all approach with like if we get along so well and you're hot and I'm hot, and we're here, let's just do it. But if that would work, if that was a strategy that was going to work, it would have worked by now.
Yeah, I think I'd be certain. I was certain that I was like we need to do this, yeah, because there's no going back. We've like blurred the lines.
Yeah, And also there is something to say about like I know a lot of dating these days, like catch a vibe and see how you go. There's something to say about knowing exactly what you want and then knowing that person fits the criteria as opposed to just like playing throwing someone at the wall and seeing if it's stick, instead of throwing stuff at the wall. Knowing what your personality type is and knowing how you can be perceived. Save that energy for someone you're definitely sure about, who
you know is kind of sure about. You. Don't just assume because you're all hanging out and having a good time that they're just an option, okay, because that creates a weird energy. It's like one of those things where like you know, they say, like cis hetero, men can't be friends with women because I think when women are nicer than they want to flirt. And you know, it's that vibe. Just because you're all hanging out doesn't mean that you are all romantic prospects. So you kind of
need more data. So when you do go to make that shot, you have more chances of.
Scoring and why is that because you miss every show you don't take.
One hundred percent, but also gonna be mindful of how to take the right shot, so the right goal.
Yeah, I used you when I play sport, throw it full peal and then if it gets in, everybody cheers hundred percent.
And that's kind of the energy here. Like you're like, well, my enthusiasm should mean that I'm more likely to get that goal because I'm trying really hard. But then what if you miss? It doesn't matter for you. You're like, oh, that was just something else. But everybody else is like, oh, they really wanted that. They might be so embarrassed.
Okay, that's see that we came together to do a good analogy.
Then yeah, that was really cute.
Thank you for setting the voice.
Note the best of luck, good luck. People are fickle, so and too hard on yourself.
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