Is ‘I’d Prefer Not’ Passive Aggressive or Polite? 😕

Flex and Frooms the Flex and Frooms catch up Podcastle and Rooms.

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Isn't it crazy how doing things that you should do makes you feel amazing?

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So guys, I know this is consuming. I can't find this back of the water bottle. Probably left it upstairs. It's gone missing up for the best. Welcome to the podcast Let's Go. You're listening to Flex and Frooms on CATA.

I'm a very important question for you miss through me please. It involves language and intention. If somebody uses the phrase I prefer not to, is that passive, aggressive or polite? Go with your gut to begin with then we can unpack later on.

I'm gonna say, right off the gut, Right off the gut, I think it's Is it like passive?

Is it passive?

Is it quite aggressive in nature? Or polite?

It depends on who's saying it, But my gut would say.

Just generally, because we're not it's a phrase.

I guess it's polite then, but I don't hear it much in our colloquial language system in Australia Australia.

I was thinking about it before because, as you know, I love language. I love figure out different ways to communicate, and I find myself being hyper aware of when language isn't making sense. So, for example, today I asked you, do you want a coffee? And you said I'm good, And it reminded me of a time where my childhood best friend's mum asked me if I want some food and I said, no, I'm good. She said is that a yes or a no? And I said it's a nose. She's like, okay, then say no, thank you, and I

Were you an impolite child?

No, it wasn't, but it just different households. Like when you're eleven and you go to your friend's house, and you know, in my house, the most impolite thing you'd do would decline food and decline conversation. But in other households, to impose conversation onto the parent would be impolite.

Yeah, children that are just a little too.

Yeah, too comfortable calling them by their first name and all of these things, right, Like I call my mom by my first by her first name because we're buddy is now, But culturally that's very impolite, right, you call everybody auntie uncle, right, And so with I'd prefer not to.

It sounds like when you don't want to sign up to an email when you're.

Like on a website. I prefer not to, prefer not to.

I think Australian's use of language is unlike like obviously every country, every place in the world has it differently, but like our sense of humor is so obvious in the way that we speak yeah, in a way that huh yeah, like like for example, yeah nah oh yeah.

Like I feel like to very Australianized Australians who have like assimilated into aquaculture.

Sure, aquaculture, let's define it like that. The mate v khunt paradox is a big one, a very it's a very kind of like a course, these things very much suit, like a very coarse accent.

Yeah, but also I know what people I don't like the sea word. I like, I'm vehemently opposed to it because I know that people do it for shock value. We have been so indoctrinated into appropriate speech that to use the sea word, you know what you're doing. You want to appear like I'm just an anarchist, like I don't really care, or we say whatever. Especially Australians interacting with people who aren't Australian. They think it's such a sit of being cool and quirky. Even my friends do it.

So I wouldn't say it. I try to say it with other people that say it. Obviously I say it when I'm here, but I try to. I don't know, it feels, it feels. I'm obviously very desensitized to it, and I almost think it's cute, but I can see, but I will be conscious of who I use it around, because I know for some people it isn't cute. Yeah, but like around the house, throw it around, you.

Know, really yeah, yeah, it'd be crazy about that.

So I think It's like I feel like I've seen a TikTok, which is like Australians say sure when like sorry, Americans say sure, whereas Australian say yeah, no worries, no worries, and the Americans like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, no stress, It's like no stress.

Yeah.

So I think like you saying I prefer not to in terms of like, it don't.

Sounds so indirect, like so passive aggressive, but it is actually so direct, like I'm saying exactly what I mean. I would prefer not to. It's not a no. So if you ask me, do you want to eat again? I prefer not to. But if we're going out to dinner, like.

More it sounds like British or something.

Yeah, perhaps not to.

But the more that I the more that I speak, the well I use language. I just don't feel like we're using colloquial language. Well. I think it gets to a point of obsolescence where what we're saying has no meaning outside of the context people who understand, like the drink is drinking funny. It's transcended so far out of the realm of normal sense that I don't think people realize that they don't know how to speak anymore, and so when they're encountering plain speech, it's far more cryptic

Well, it's like it's like an inside joke, that kind of language.

But that's what I'm saying. It should be an inside joke, but now it's transcended people. You know, they're doing the millennials gen z in the workplace memes because I don't think that we're aware of communication as a tool, like you should be trying to speak in a way that when the message lands with the recipient, it's understood. And I feel like a lot of us don't take that care.

But it's also different across like where you are and who you're speaking to, right, so like.

It should be, but I don't think it is. I mean, like like you said, with the C word, I would take care to not say it in front of certain people. Fantastic, yes, fantastic, But I think that what ends up happening is and this is a slight caveat that people forget that language is to help people understand you, not to exclude them, and it goes for most like speaking in a way that's far too academic, or speaking a way that's just like almost too sarcastic. Like all of this distance is

I think a way that like if I was if I felt the same sentiment as you and I wanted to say it, I would I would go the root of like putting it back on myself.

I'd be like, oh, honor, I reckon like honor? What would I even say if.

I, let's say, I'm trying to like we have plans to go somewhere somewhere dinner, drinks, bar, whatever, and you're like, oh what about this place and you're like really excited by it? Or what if I'm like oh what about this place? And I'm like, oh what at this and you're like, of all places you want to go that it sits quite low.

Yeah, yeah, what would you say?

I'd say, Oh, I actually reckon, Like my voice goes up mmmmm when I'm like trying, and I'll put it back on myself.

And say, what, oh I reckon?

I feel like, have you been to this place? Mmm?

The deflect?

What would you do Brookie? Leave bruise out of this one?

Yeah?

Only one person must be implicated at a time here on the Flex and Fim Show.

It's tricky though, because plain speech is not considered plain and convoluted language. We're assuming we understand, but do we really do?

You know what?

Though, I must say, when I saw this, it just made me think, you know those tests that you have and it's like yes, no to say.

I always thought it was so passive aggressive, prefer not to say.

Yeah. I guess it's one of those things where we don't say it. We might read the phrase, but you're not saying I'd prefer not to.

It's like pleading the fifth.

Yeah, it's like what pleading the fifth?

What's that?

Education?

One final thing?

And of course.

I don't like how website nowadays are talking as people like I'll go on like I think it's like pretty little things and they're like, hey, Dole, I'm like, you're blurring the lines. Like I need you to communicate properly and then use the internet like the US use the common everyday man use the internet.

It makes the.

Issue with inclusion. We can't all but using the same languish. But it's interesting because right, like, imagine being a non native English speaker babes. Yeah, the average English speakers barely have a grip on what they're communicating. And why if I if I said, explain to your mum what it gives means.

Yeah, she'd be having a hard time, But.

You'd be having a hard time.

What does it gives me? Yeah, I couldn't even tell you. I couldn't even tell you.

That is the definition of a club word.

And it needs to stay in its in its little ecosystem.

You're really gonna push myself.

I get it when I'm like, I find it easier to be more discerning with my words when I'm writing, which is something I often say to you. But even the things that you and I say on the show, we have a particular language that listeners would know now because they've been listening to us since the inception. Knock knock, nudge nudge. Friends, you can always go back into the discography. But yeah, I like that you like language because it's something that we use that we don't really think about.

Yeah, but what's the point lacking language? Even nobody misstad trying to communicate. God, I've had a good crid ages.

I get on it. I can kick you onto the tape of fields.

No, I want one, like an emotional one like at my quarm No, no, take it back.

That's like when I was like a few months ago.

I really want to like have a crush and like get my heart broken.

Yeah, yeah, I'll take it back you.

With flex and frooms. Actually, bye, Keita, flex and frooms. Flex and frooms. Am I the asshole for giving my new boss difficult feedback? This is the question we're answering today on flex and frooms. Listen to this. I have a new boss. They're about four months in. She's very experienced, though not in our specific industry, but her skills are very transferred car and I can see why she got the job. I think when she gets a bit more

Slippery slope.

Never like me when I wanted people to send in the annoying words that we use.

Yeah, never.

Once, everybody else was really effusive.

Friendly easy.

Effusive is to be friendly and easy and polite.

Okay, I like say it says showing or expressing gratitude, pleasure, or approval in an unrestrained or heartfelt manner. Okay, so like yeah, yeah.

Holding here alike in it.

Yeah. Everyone else was really effusive about her people skills and how she's making an effort to learn all the processes, but no real constructive feedback. I decided to be open and honest and I said I agreed about her people skills, but I thought that she needed to become more decisive about some things, more general transferable things, and stop trying to always seek a consensus because it was making our

If feedback is asked, feedback must be given. It's better to do it in this forum. Then let stuff build up, and then do it in a way that's not professional. You can hide behind the guise of professionalism and inverted commas constructive feedback.

Just always with these.

Kind of things, I would think about, is the impact on you worth sharing? Because people don't like to change, and people in positions of power don't like to be wrong. So I would just think about yourself. Don't think about quick retribution, don't think about a little sting because at the end of the day, they've got the power over you, and so to appease the boss is what I would do if I'm just thinking about myself and not the

Join your union? Now?

Look, have I said it before, I'll say it again. Nobody likes feedback. Nobody likes advice, even if they've asked for it. It's just the way it works. You might be open to hearing it a bit of storytelling, you know, a bit of fun. People like sharing thoughts when people share thoughts, but feedback specifically, no, because, as you said, it puts someone in a position where they feel as that they need to defend themselves or justify themselves, and

The other employee would just go along with it and enjoy, vibe and reap the.

Benefits of your pushing forward.

So exactly like Frumi said, think about yourself, be selfish, think best case scenario. As every action that you take in life determines the role you play. So now that you've stepped up and you've decided that you're going to be the person who says things when people won't, it's now the role that you've been bestowed.

I think you can take it back. You can take it back.

It's early days, you can take it back. But if you're going to continue, then it becomes your role and then it gets boring.

Yeah, just enjoy your life. Just enjoy your life.

Love.

This is flex and frooms.

Frumi has an announcement for us.

I don't know where Panama is. I've never been good at geography. And did I ever take a history lesson?

No?

I was doing the creative arts and also home eck, and.

It shows that's okay.

I'm same though.

What is homemaking creative arts?

Yeah? Well mine was more learning how to be a waiter, learning.

How to about coffee.

Year twelve, learn how to be a waiter and make.

Coffee on campus on the school ground.

Correct.

Yeah, people heapsfield do home ach.

That's like a typical subject.

Yeah, and I didn't do very well at it. Actually, my teacher and I had a love hate relationship, like you could tell that she thought I was really funny, but she also despised me. I really send her to the end of her tether. But I got her a president at the end of the year. So did you get a maybe a candle? It's kind of hard buying a present for a teacher.

I said.

Freeman's got an announcer for us. You start talking about Panama, I met meeting morning being a morning person.

It was a setup.

Everybody listening listening, particularly you FLEXI. I have recently become a morning person.

How many days inn't we are?

Two weeks? That is amazing.

For the past eight years, I have.

Not woken up before eight am.

Okay, that's still the morning though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, for example, when I worked a full time job, I would get up eight at the earliest because I lived a two minute walk from work. Right, So I'm getting up, getting into the office at nine, then hanging around getting a coffee, then getting into the day.

Right.

That's pretty brief.

So like a super morning person because I would start waking up at nine and call myself a morning person.

Pretty super. What time did you wake up? Four point thirty? No?

Yeah, employment exactly what I'm saying is, yeah, people have full time jobs that want to get stuff done before work.

Particularly have a full time job.

People who work regular office hours that have to commute to an office and have a boss.

And you're looking at her. I look at myself every night.

You're foiling me.

You go home with your.

Bus, No, I hear me, hear me?

Yeah, but then why I don't know It's like something came over me. And I've just been getting up. My alarm's been going off at six ' ten every morning, and I've been trotting down, hobbling down to watch the sunset. Wherever I live, I get a coffee stocks myself and half, and I've just been sitting down having my coffee in the sunrise. I give myself two hours. I read a book, I write notes, I rehearse for things. I get a lot of thoughts that come to me. I don't bring

And I have never in my life had I've got energy.

You do, don't I. I must say, for the first year of being here at Cata, I was giving disheveled. Obviously there's still a bit of a mess abounds, but.

I energetically far less disheveled.

Oh for sure, actually know what's happening now.

Yeah, I just want to say not all hope is lost if you're not a morning person. But I also don't want to foist morning person propaganda onto people who aren't because for my whole life getting up at ten for the last year, people, you know, friends are like, oh, you're up early if I get up before eight, Like you're being passive aggressive, respectfully, like just because you want

There's no pious leave the door open.

There should be no piousness attached to getting up at six, because the minute that I start putting restrictions on myself and making this a part of my personality is the minute it doesn't become fun. I'm coming into this with curiosity, which is what you should do with most new endeavors.

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