Welcome to First things first, I'm Brook Blert, and my pronouns as she and her.
I'm Maddie Mills, my pronouns are he and him. And before we get started, we'd like to acknowledge the custodians of the land on which we record, and for me today that's the gatigil people of.
The ur nation, and for me it's a waundry people of the cooler nation.
And let's get.
Into it a bit of different energy this episode than our last few. I feel like we've got, you know, some more serious topics to talk about.
MM because I think it's really important. I think it's also a good representation of I guess how much growth and how much stuff has happened over time, and I think a moment I guess to acknowledge sometimes that you need closure. I do. I like this saying where it's like that was then this is now and sort of drawing a line in the sand and being like okay, like can't change that, but this is now, and whatever we're going to do, we're going to be moving forward.
So I feel like I've had a bit of a weight shift in terms of breakthroughs, in terms of my healing, so pretty much. Three years ago, my sister died and her death was quite suspicious.
There were other.
Women in the area that had died at similar time and similar place, so only a couple of hundred meters away from each other. It was ordering COVID winter, and it was a really hard time because at the same time I had just finished the bachelorette and for three years I have been doing an inquiry, so that's an inquest.
So inquiry into someone's death is pretty much the lawyers work with all the other departments like I guess, you know, trying to get CCTV, trying to reports, the coroner and the coroner's court, so basically trying to gather as much information as they can and then looking at it and then pretty much kind of determining what the actual cause of death was because we were never really told what
the sequence of events were. And then obviously over three years I've learned to know those details and it hasn't been easy, like listening to it. Like you know, usually when someone dies, you know, have a die and you can kind of start the grieving process, but it has dragged out for about three years that grieving process, and up until recently when I was in Perth, when I decided that I was going to close the inquiry. Yeah, so, yeah, big moment.
I mean, it's been a long journey for you and your family three years. You know, has that time gone by quickly for you or has it seemed like a long time since she passed away?
Both in a weird way, it has gone so quick because the first year I was just so wrapped up in the bachelorette and like all my jobs and the book, and you know, I had all these obligations and responsibilities, and then all of a sudden, it kind of all hit me at some point. And when I started the inquiry, it wasn't because I wanted to like relive the trauma. I wanted it to sort of inquire because of those other suspicious deaths in the area and why was that happening.
And then also a lot of the details that we were told throughout my sister's you know, like announcement of her passing away were wrong. So they'd given us wrong details.
She apparently had died on this day and that was completely wrong, Like she had died actually like a couple of days beforehand, and we didn't get told for a while, so there was all this misinformation, and I guess that was probably what drove me to start the inquiry, being like, yeah, over the years that she's been in care, she's been under what they call the Public Trustee and pretty much is like a governing body and they look after people who have mental illness, and so she's pretty much under
a guardianship pretty much, and they kind of are responsible for all of her funds, her money, and for her well being generally, like they're meant to make sure that she gets to her appointments. She's homed because she's not capable of doing that herself because of her illness. She's not completely like deabilitated, but she can't function and remember those things because you know, having schizophrenia and having other conditions, you can imagine that's quite difficult for someone to manage
their own life. So these you know, governing bodies step in and they take care of all of that for people and try to manage that as best they can.
But there was some negligence that was happening that I had seen over the years that did make sense to me, and I guess kind of felt like that was maybe what had kind of led her to be in this situation and then I guess on the streets and then obviously found passed away at Urine no Yaegen Square, which is a very significant place for a lot of original people.
Yagen was like this warrior in the Nonga culture, and they named the central park called Yagen's Square, which is a lot of It's like a central place where a lot of people will walk past, tourists, lots of cafes and restaurants, et cetera. So it's quite significant, but also very conflicting because how does someone pass away on the streets of Perth and no one noticed them for hours?
And then you know, so it's been obviously, like you know, three years. It's a long time to be sitting with that grief and then to be able to make it a decision, a really tough decision, not just for you but for your family. When did you start thinking that you might be stopping the in quest and what led to that decision?
Well, in another world, I'd probably would have loved to still continue. I think when I spoke to a lot of the lawyers, you know, they give you sort of options of what we can do and what the information that they've found, right they you know, they go do the work and they're like seeking the information, I guess, and then they come to you and say, this is what we found.
Would you like to move forward?
And over three years I've been like, yes, let's move forward and move forward and move forward to see what information they can keep getting, and pretty much got to a point where they were like the coroners declared the death, went ahead and did that without even knowing that we were in and doing an inquiry, so completely disregarded the family out like us in that and declared without sort of yeah, considering that there might be some you.
Know, questions, yep, and.
They don't normally do that actually, but yeah, it just seemed a bit disrespectful. But we couldn't, I guess now, because that's already locked in and and sort of done, the reports done. Yeah, reopening it makes it so much more harder. And so if he hadn't or he or she whatever hadn't done that, it would be a little bit easier. Okay, But because they disregarded us, Yeah, we've already had been doing the effort for three years and then you know they've just gone aheadn't done that?
It just put us kind of back a little bit.
I made it more difficult to reopen and reinquire, and so much more admin and so much more reporting into the reasons why. So I would have to be doing actually like writing reports of why I want to inquire and these reasons why, et cetera. Even the voyas would probably be doing that with me as well. But because I'm the family member that is inquiring and opening the inquest,
it would just be a lot of admin. And I think because of the place and time I am in my life at the moment, it was just a lot of emotional labor that I was not willing to take on. And you know, I actually had a therapy session before I decided to close the inquest, and I think that was a huge shift with me talking to my therapist
about it. We did sort of the visualization of if my sister was still alive today, you know, how would she feel if I was to continue this, and how would she feel if I decided that I was at capacity and I wanted to stop it. And I think for me, I was holding onto a lot of guilt because I thought that I had maybe let her.
Down, and.
It's a hard one because it's so conflicting because the Bachelor was probably one of the best moments of my life in terms of getting to experience that the opportunity and in I guess, my career. But the reality, I think is the fact that I was off frolicking and doing these, you know, really glamorous things, and the reality is that my sister was living on the streets and homeless and vulnerable, and I just had so much And I still partly do have a lot.
Of guilt around that because.
I've always been, you know, around, and I've always been so available for my family and my sister, and I just sometimes just wish I could just turn back a little bit of time and just make sure that she was okay first of all, that I wouldn't feel so guilty for going and doing that.
In my life.
I'm glad I did it, but at the same time, the reality is that it cost me a lot in terms of losing a family member, feeling guilty because this is a great opportunity, but it's not worth the sacrifice, I guess in a way.
Do you believe that if she didn't do the Bachelorette that you would have been able to stop the outcome of what's happened, Like is that something that you question quite often?
And I think I would have just been able to not control the narrative a little bit, but actually like step in and have things in place that I would make sure that she wasn't as vulnerable, because I guess I've been doing that over the decade, and I write about this in Big Love, you know, scrubbing like fucking vomit, piss and shit and blood like on you know, a floor of a backpacker's hostel place room where my sister is like they're paying for the accommodation, but she's actually
not safe to stay there. Just this is the thing, And that's probably why I was so passionate about driving this inquiry forward, because there was such negligence and when if I was just there, i'd sort of be able to to, you know, control that.
Or like not control is the world.
But yeah, you might have been able to, you know, support her more. But in saying that, I think that we both know and I can speak from my point of view with family members who we want to support and we want I've got a sister who I'm constantly wanting a different outcome for her life right, And I think you know this, But all we can do is like be there for them when they decide they want to reach out to us. We can't always be the person who is steering their life because it just doesn't
work like that, you know. So it's like, as much as you feel like you wish that you could have supported her more in those moments, and you know, the final moments, I definitely feel like we have to know, as people who want to help and help and help our families that no matter what we do, it's up to our families whether they accept that help or not,
you know. And I think it's different for me and you in this circumstances, especially because your sister's mental health condition, you know, something that does obviously make her even more vulnerable in society. But I don't ever want you to feel like you didn't do enough, because no matter how much we do, no matter how much, there is still a level of accepting that help and support that needs to come from our families, you know, And a lot of the time they avoid it. Sometimes it comes down
to shame. I see that in my own family. But yeah, I don't think that, you know, you need to ever put the blame on yourself.
I'm not normally one to also point the blame to anyone else, but there has been a frustration, and I guess and in a rage that you know, people who are schizophrenic or have mental illness are completely vulnerable, and they rely on the services that you know, are governed by the government and by community service, and these people are meant to be taking care of these vulnerable people totally.
They're meant to be, if not, taking responsibility for them, because they are so incapable of doing that, like mental illnesses and just like, hey, one day, I just decided that I wasn't going to manage my own life. It is a condition. It's as an actual change of chemical in the brain. So it's not a matter of like, oh, I just need someone else to do all the things in my life now, like manage my admin etc. Like these people have had huge change. Whether they've induced that
through their own circumstance and experiences, it doesn't matter. They're still completely vulnerable. And I think that was the rage that was happening for me, was that the negligence that was coming from these governing bodies. Where is that money and funding going to that you're not putting into my sister and you're not making sure she's safe and making sure that she's okay, Like why are you paying for accommodation at a hostel with no lock.
On the door? And why you allowing.
Her to stay with like forty other vulnerable people who probably all have mental illness, probably have substance abuse or like experience and trauma.
And I just didn't understand.
And I think, yeah, I think you're right, Like I shouldn't blame myself, but there is a part of me that is smart and can put my foot down and has a power and it has a voice to actually like step up for my sister. And I think for me, like that's all I really wanted to do, and I have done. I know that I have. But at the same time, these services are the ones that it should be putting, should be the ones that are showing up and stepping up, and I just don't think they are.
I think they're actually taking advantage and taking that absolute fucking Piers.
Do you think that if the inquest was to continue that there would be that accountability that you're looking for, or do you think that one of the main reasons you probably ended it was because you saw that probably wasn't going to happen.
No, I actually think if I had the more capacity, and I guess more more emotional capacity, and I guess a little bit more like legal knowledge, I one hundred percent think that I would be keeping these organizations accountable. Like I think the the negligence in terms of getting her death wrong and actually emailing that to our family just goes to show that they have no fucking clue.
They have no way did you.
Mean by death wrong? If you don't mind me asking.
They put the wrong day, They had no call, they had no cause of death, they had no idea of course of death.
When she died.
They just just sent an email of being like she's passed away and passed around this day, and it was wrong. And I had to contact the police constable who was she and judy in that case to get the correct details. And then so when I called them out for it, obviously there was an apology over email, but it's like, well, who knows what? And then why you why do you not know where she is? And why do you not know where she's passed when she's passed away? You guys
are responsibilel like this. The public trustee is responsible for managing her funds, but they also managing her accommodation. Why was she living on the street. So this is my concern, especially during COVID, like it's peak winter. The fucked thing for me as well was that my sister passed away at Yagan Square and I was pissed off at Channel ten because they blew up this massive fucking promotional photo of me right in the middle of Yagan Square.
Wow. Wow, My sister.
Died in September and The Bachelor didn't air until like mid October. They had plenty of time to change those dates and that option, and they didn't. They decide, Oh, like Brook won't care. Do you know how like how fuck that is? Like mentally like to think about that, Like so I'm fine. I guess in terms of like how much I've done, and I can always open that inquiry later if I ever feel like I do have capacity.
And you know, I think I'm learning so much more about who's responsible for what and also makes me so passionate about the services that we have available. Yes, they're all sort of funded by government. And then we have a change of politician and then those funding you know, bodies get their money sort of gets scrapped, and then I guess that's the lack of care that happens because without money, you kind offer a service pretty much, right, Yeah. And I think for me, like that's the fuck thing
in the government is there's no consistency. And I think the grassroots programs that we develop that actually have the most impact direct because they're so like easily dismissed, then they don't realize like the impact that they have on
the vulnerable people that are accessing those services. And it makes me so frustrated because I've seen it like so directly, Like I've actually when I worked in the governing bodies, when I worked for not for profits, when I worked for community service, Like I've seen the change and the impact basically immediately, Like we've had to pretty much close programs and we've had kids accessing that and families accessing
that because we've had to close those programs. Now they have no access to anything that we're providing them.
So where do they seek that? Like where do they go next?
And I think that's what I get so frustrated. And I guess was like their motivation and the sort of like you know, fire my belly to just kind of pursue this. And in an ideal world, I would do, you know, do it all over again, and I would you know, be able to you know, ride the whole right way through until I feel like I've got the right justice or you know, I'm keeping the right people accountable. But yeah, right now, I just had to really make it, I guess, a selfish decision.
But in a way, it's so I think it's selfish.
I'm doing it because I'm not capable, Like I'm doing it because I need to do a film and I need to have full capacity, so I have to like drop off these things to be like full. But it's all for me, like I don't have to do this film, like I'm doing it because I want to, of course, and it's a great opportunity, but I don't have.
To do it.
But I'm choosing that, and I feel like making those choices are really hard because I'm choosing to do the film over you know, finding justice for my sister, I guess, and that's conflicting for me, Like it makes me feel a bit like ikey and I feel like I have had to make these choices more more consistent.
Now.
I don't know if I'm in a very selfish place in my life or I'm just I'm having to choose me and it feels just not comfortable.
I don't know. I haven't really accepted that.
I haven't really like sat with that, I guess because people always say that, like, oh, just you know, put yourself first and choose you. And I'm like, everything that I do has come to like support my family, and they're fine, they're doing well, I know, but like you know, now I'm like, Okay, well, I don't know how to look.
I don't think it's how to look self preservation. I think you need to be the best version of yourself so that you can live a happy and fulfilled life. I think that so much of what we see is why people need help is because they haven't been able to do that in their own lives. So for you to do that for yourself, it's super important. You know, you can't allow that idea of that it's selfish for you to want to be happy and to live in
a good life. I feel like it's self preservation and if anyone needs that, it's bloody you, Like you really deserve that as well. So I wanted to ask you about closure because you didn't get the answers, right, I didn't get the answers. Is there any sense of closure that comes with closing this case right now or do you think that's something that will come in the future.
I think both In a weird way.
I think there have been moments throughout this inquiry that
I have received a lot of closure. Like I think knowing that the person, you know, the security guard who had found my sister, he gave him his absolutely all to resuscitate her and to bring her back to life from what the report says, and you know, he actually, you know, reported and documented that he checked on her a few times actually before and she was breathing and she was fine, and it wasn't until the last time that he was like, oh.
I'm just going to go check it again.
We'll check her again, and that he noticed that, you know, she was unconscious and not breathing. And so I just think, you know, whoever this guy is like, I'm very grateful for him, and I think, you know, even in those last moments, I don't think it may have been I guess, you know, I think she was sleeping, so I think, you know, maybe she passed quite peacefully, so I think,
you know, there was not a lot of pain. And I think I've seen psychics and therapy, you know, and I've been doing therapy, but it feels like for me, like the closure that I got is that she is in a better place, and I feel like she's safer where she is. It's kind of fuck to think you're
safeer dead, but she's not so vulnerable anymore. And I think that's probably the pclosure that I'm you know, I guess I'm happy in a weird fucking way about But I think also, you know, the information that I was received that I received, and yeah, that kind of helped. And I think for mere closure is really just like allowing myself to really grieve past it and think like, yeah, it's kind of.
Fun, but not having to worry about her anymore. Yeah, but I do worry about her all.
The time, can I ask you. I think one part of grief that I think about is with my brother. I think about the last moments I had with him, and I think about how I was really lucky to have this moment with him, which was we went out for breakfast in Semworth and I was up visiting my family and that was the last time I saw him. We went out, we had like a mad feed, a good yarn and a good laugh. I don't know if everyone gets that, you know, with family that passed away.
So what was your last moments like with your sister and is it something that you like will help you with the closure.
Yeah, my last moment actually with Kai was really beautiful. I it was actually in the city.
And we just went out. We went out shopping.
I think I had a list of things that I was meant to be doing that day, but I was like, fuck it, I'm just going to cancel everything. And so yeah, we went to what they call the Carousel, which is like a shopping center Emperth and we went shopping. I got her like this little Nokia phone so that I could call her.
We I do that exact same thing for my favorite and you put your detail thing because I don't have the ID like it's so like unique to our experience, you know, Yeah, those.
Things and.
Yeah, and then we went off shopping and we were trying on clothes and stuff like that. And I have these videos of her, like you know, listening to Tupac in my car, and you know, I got these like photos and then I dropped her off at this accommodation that she was staying at, which is actually quite quite nice.
And I think that was the last time I sort of spoke to like her guardian, and I had some concerns, but the guardian was really lovely, I guess in a way that made me feel confident that she would be okay, you know. And yeah, she was trying on all of her clothes and her new shoes, and she was like posing up with her like hand on her hip and was taking all these photos of her, not.
These ones like.
I've got these beautiful photos of her, yeah, with you know, of that moment, which, yeah, it just made me, I guess, like made me really happy to see her, Yeah, because I always felt like, maybe, you know, she's my big sister, but I always just felt like such a big sister to her.
I feel like she was always just such a scared little.
Girl when you know, when she was alive and when my mom was alive as well, because she kind of got to the worst from my mum. But I felt like, you know, I don't know, I just felt like really like proud of my sister in a way like I always wanted to be her because she was like so cool when.
We were younger.
But I felt like I was the sane one, like she was quite crazy and that kind of you know, out doing things and naughty things, and I was like, you can't do that, you know, it was like quite bussy and yeah, trying to I guess, and I got it.
I guess again. I talk about this in Big Love, but the responsibility that I sort of put on place to myself for a very long time, and that was also to take care of my family, including her, and I just felt like at some points to take care of myself, I had to stop taking care of her and them. And it's just really hard. It's just a really hard balance to to have. And also look at a lot of it's a lot of weight to carry.
But I do feel better, like I feel a little bit of a lyft in terms of not forgiving myself, I guess for doing something like crazy like what I did and showing people or giving insight into my life and the reality of that and how passionate I am and how much I you know, want to change so much. How about how we see the world.
Well, I think that your sister honestly, like, and she mightn't have told you, but she would have been really proud of you, and she might not have known how to show that, but for you, like you would have been her wildest dreams. And I really believe that, And I think that, like you should live in that and remember her for those really amazing moments when you were
young and looking up to her. You know, life doesn't always like go the way that we all want it to go, and I think that that's like really hard to accept. But what you do have are the really good times with her when you're younger that you can remember. So like stick with that, you know, and know that you what you achieve in your life and doing the work that you're doing with youth actually is going to help young black girls not end up in those situations.
So know that, like your legacy is actually to change the outcome for for young black people by working with youth. You know, those girls who you work with at school, they get to see a whole different world and be inspired by you. So I really want you to like understand that you don't have to feel the guilt to take on that massive thing of like the inquest anymore and allow yourself to let it.
Go hellow it. Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Well, I think that's probably all we have time for, but thank you, thanks Chis for Sharon and being so vulnerable about this. I know that there's so much more to talk about an unpacked, but you obviously do the work as well, you know, in your therapy, and I think that that's like, yeah, super important. But if anything that we've spoken about has triggered any of our listeners,
so we're going to put some notes in our show notes. Yeah, we're gonna put some contexts to some yeah resources, that's what I'm looking for, the resources in the show notes for mental health, health life, thirteen yard. Yeah, that's it, But thank you so much for listening.