Welcome to First things First, I'm pro bloke. A pronounce are she and her.
I'm Mattie meals. My pronouns are he and him. And before we get started, we'd like to acknowledge the custodians of the land on which we record. And for me that's the gattigol people of the urination and for me it's.
The roundery people of the cooler nation.
Let's get into it. How's your weekend?
Yes, Friday night, Oh my god, Friday night was my Howard Fine, Fine and Dine night, which is where all of our alumni, cohort staff, students, other actors get together and we just have a little pizza night and drinks.
But I performed in front of my class.
What did you do in front of like one hundred people? Seeing I sang? And I it was open mic night and everyone was performing or doing like an open mic, either stand up comedy, poetry or performance so singing or piano or whatever. Anyways, it kind of was getting to a point where everyone was.
Just like du Brook were named her? Were named her?
And then I just started to said and said, I got a little bit sentimental, you know, like what I've learned through this course is that the power of voice and owning your truth and being in your truth, and you know, being in your voice is really important, and I've learned that so much of that comes from healing you in a child. And I just can't believe I'm actually getting up here and performing because I've never performed
before and this is going to be so healing. And I could not tell you the euphoric feeling of my younger Brook, like the younger Brook in her like I have never experienced that much joy in my life, Like I'm getting goosebumps now because I could hear a pin drop in the sense like everyone was like, oh my god,
we're so excited to hear. But then everyone was singing, like I know it probably seems so small, but for me, like that was a huge moment in my life because if I can't perform in front of like my cohort of acting students, I can't perform on a national, global level, like I'm not ready. So I was like, well, this is my chance to like do it, and even if it's just so small of like playing one song like can't help falling in love with you my Elvis Presley and.
I knew it was that song song.
Yeah, of course I posted it. Do you not see my video? And everyone was like, I I'm getting messages now from people that were there, and they're like, you had the whole room like, and I'm not like talking myself up. I'm not gonna be like I was a big shot.
Look at me.
It was like, obviously I've got a natural talent in holding a space or holding a room like that. And I didn't realize it until I watched those videos back where the room is silent, there is not a thing, and then all of a sudden, everyone is singing with me.
Who doesn't that Like, isn't that crazy? Sorry? Insane?
Like I'm sort the alignment of the song. I can't help falling in love, like if that isn't you to tea? And like you couldn't have chosen a more perfect song.
Well I dedicated it to my dad, but in my head I was like, can't help but forgetting you.
Oh my gosh.
But it was funny. It was funny.
Yeah, it was such a great yeah, great experience. It was crazy. So that was my weekend, just living in that euphoricness of my first time performance in front of anyone.
I'm a big shot. Now look at me.
Go.
How was your weekend? Anyways?
My weekend was good. I spent the week catching up with friends. I have been pretty much like isolating myself, not really isolating myself, but keeping to myself, keeping my head down and just focusing on work lately. But this weekend I went and caught up with some friends. Saturday morning, I caught up with jes Melboy and we had branch and then we went to a queer exhibition together which was called Qutopia, and it's in Surrey Hills. So we
went and like learned a lot. Actually we were like immersed in queer culture and history and also the dark side of you know, the challenges and police brutality. And it was beautiful. We spent the morning like at this exhibition. It's called Qutopia. It's in the old police station at Taylor Square in Surrey Hill, so it is and it's and it's within the cell blocks. It's like reclaiming that space where a lot of trauma happened people and part of people who are part of the LGBT QUI A
plus community. So that was like a really beautiful morning. So like inspiring to hear stories of friends, even your story just now, Like there's so many incredible things that MOB are doing, you know, and I get to like just connect with you MOB, and I'm doing, you know, an incredible project at the moment myself. So I'm feeling
very motivated, very inspired. Also just light. You know, I've obviously like haven't been drinking or going out, and you know, I'm feeling like the benefits of that starting to pay off, yeah, which is awesome. So I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like super excited. I also feel like I'm at a point in my life now where I'm so far from my past in terms of like my past relationship and the experiences that I are having, Like last year, I feel
like a brand new person. I don't know. I wanted to ask you you were going to share a story about an ex coming back into your life.
Actually there's been. It's been such a weird because this is how fast my life happens, you know. When I'm just like so focused on like work and things, I find that like it's funny, like I can't be penetrated and not that way, Like no, no, no.
Like okay, we're going down. We're going down that.
I have my like my box around me and my walls cannot be infiltrated.
Everything I know, I know talking about penetration boxes.
And penetration.
Violation.
No, I mean, I mean like I can't be interrupted. Maybe I feel like because I've been in such a zone of school work project basis, you know, my dating life is really kind of dropped off. But it's so funny because like this sort of new establishment is what I would call it, is just like you know, it's like taking day by day. We've gone on like five dates. It's super casual, it's super chill. There's not really anything coming up until well no, no, like this is a thing like no no swear like I'm not.
I get so angry when you do that.
Well, the reason I'm doing it is because I've heard that so.
Many things are casual.
You know that casual, But then it goes it got moves from casual to serious really quickly.
On my end.
Not there, That's what I'm saying on your end.
So I'm like, when have mine ever been serious?
Like seriously, Well, you've convinced me every single one of them is serious. I'm telling you you shouldn't believe me that.
Like you should. You should have believed me.
I just love that I'm on this roller coaster with you.
That's why I'm like roller coaster babe, get on.
Yeah, I'm here with it. I'm here and I'm on it, and I love the stories.
But I share everything with you solely you as well, like no, no friend gets this inside as well, Like I'm not. My friends don't even know that I'm seeing anyone because I haven't told them. I'm telling the podcast because you guys are like my family.
You shouldn't judge me, then.
Mother, There is no judgment. That is what I There is nothing. There is no judgment but judgment, no judgment, I promise. But what I'm saying is that I'm going to predict in a couple of days.
And I know I hate that I'm that friend that's like prett yeah, predictable.
Literally, I hate that I'm the bitch and I'm like, fuck, I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm done, well fucking done.
I think I'm just a girl.
I'm just a girl.
Your next T shirt should say just keep it casual, just keep it casual, or like just forbidden. No that's your next book.
Actual And I think every the one. So everyone you meet is the one because it teaches you one thing or something. So I think every person you meet everyone is the one because they other teach you how to be loved. The other teach you something about yourself. They teach you what you don't want. So I'm just out here just doing research, bub going research.
You know. I'm back this strategy. I back at one hundred percent in a life because I think I think you're absolutely spot on when it comes to learning things from different people, and now you have a plethora of experience. I'm looking one man stand over here, and all I've learned is a little bit doing it.
For the plot.
Yeah you are, I'm doing it for the plot, you know.
Oh my god. And you know this story is cliffhanger after cliffhanger, and I'm fucking here. I'm here every time. I'm like, what's gonna happen? What is going to happen? And then the ad break comes and you're like, na, I'm done.
Yeah next.
I did a whole big therapy session this morning on friendships, and I realized I don't have friends that literally will tell me how it is I thought.
I did, but I'm getting there.
But I can tell me fucking.
Be honest with me and say it ain't it sis, Well.
I just try. I just tried. I just fucking tried it. All I said was until when? And then you were like, so do you think that your friends want to tell you the fucking.
I'm I'm not. I'm fucking reasonable as.
Ship you are. I agree with you. I know you, and I know like I feel like I know your heart to an extent that you will see the good in someone and then you will automatically move from casual to looking at a long term plan. And then when you make that shift focus you you fall really really hard, really fast, really quickly.
Yeah, but then I fall out of it very quickly.
Yeah, exactly.
So I know this is my this is what it's cooled. Yeah, it's it's a cycle. It's a pattern that I'm repeating.
I don't think it's a roller coaster. I think it's like it's like emotions.
It might be, well, no, it is.
I'm a very highly emotional person.
You know this, Yeah, but like yeah, and then when I reflect and I look back on all those relationships and my exes and I'm.
Like, god, girl, it wasn't it. What were you thinking?
But I just wish my friends told me sinner like it ain't it.
But then I feel like if you figure it out, if your friends told you that, it would feel like they were shutting down any opportunity of love.
Yeah, I get that, but then it's like you would prevent me from getting hurt a lot more quicker and faster, you know, like yeah, like I think sometimes yeah, like you get your rose colored glasses on. Yeah, but I also am so again, like so hopeful with them, like no, no, I'll give people benefit doubt and I'll I'll work on it and blah blah blah.
Anyway, do you think that you just haven't met anyone that is worth the fight?
This is what I'm figuring out. They won't fight for me for the way that I would fight for them. And also I haven't met someone who has the whole package that just like fucking lights me up.
That's like boom.
What are some things that would inspire you? Or like what is like a person someone who motivates me?
A person like they're doing so good that I want to do good with them, Like it's always me that's inspiring to them.
Like when someone's like, oh, you're so inspiring, I'm like.
I.
Really I want someone who just like I don't know, wants to walk the same path as me.
And it's not they're not.
It's an equal worship if anything. Yeah, I just feel like I either get really worshiped and I get put on this pedestal where it gives me the ick because it's like then I have to sort of feel like I'm living up to that, so I can't like what if I want to rot in bed one day?
Like, does that mean I'm unmotivated?
You know what? Do you ever disclose that in the beginning when someone says that to you, like you're so inspiring, do you ever say, well, you're going to figure out that, you know what, I'm just normal.
I'm just human.
Yeah, I'm so human and I'm normal and I'm and I think that's like, let's talk about men in per se because obviously there's two different relationships that I experience. With men, I don't know why I go to the fix it like I need my mummy.
Insecure men, okay.
And then with women I go probably the same, but like but it's like I then have to then adhere to a more masculine like providing role with a woman, and then when I'm I'm with a man, it's hard to let that go. But then I try to be my feminine error. But I don't feel like I can be when I'm in my feminine error, Like that's when I'm like in love and I'm happy and I'm creative and I'm.
Who enjoying joy?
And give me an example, like was it the blonde guy, the tall blonde guy, and we went, here's a chef. Yeah, it's really hot.
Why did you This is.
The second time you brought him up. Yeah, he's still in my life, but he's my friend.
There's something about you in that relationship that I saw that was like you were in your feminine error.
Yeah, for sure.
And we saw each other for four weeks straight, every single day and I didn't get the it until he dropped those two words.
But do you think that's too quick.
Of Yeah, like something needs to happen with me where it's like, okay, I can see it like a lifetime, long term thing, like something.
Needs to You couldn't see a long term thing with him?
No, no, okay, But then I like my last X, because there was such a bond and a like connection, like the sex is amazing. So it's all a physicality physicality thing, Like it's just like all needs to work together in symbiosis, but it just doesn't for me. Like, and yes, that's probably why I fucking filtered through them, because I'm like, I can't see a lifelong thing with them. They don't spark a thing with me. Okay, next, all, you want to know something really interesting.
When I first met Denny, I didn't actually see a long term relationship as a thing with him. I thought that it was going to be a few months of dating. I found him extremely attractive. I didn't really even contemplate having a future with him. It actually took getting to know and like having some real big issues in our relationship and seeing where he put his focus to move that dial. Because in the beginning it was very much like a party boyfriend. It was like going out on
the weekend partying. And then we broke up for like three months, and that actual separation was like a really good thing for us in our relationship timeline, because it was like when we got back together, we had conversations about like the long term, and I could see that he wanted the same things that I wanted. So it's like about having conversations and initial conversations of like what does your future look like? What is it that you want?
Do you have those conversations or is it that something that you just hope to discover both both.
Yeah, it's happened for different people.
I just find like, if you're fighting over small things within those couple of weeks or whatever, it's a huge red flag for me. I'm like, no, Like, even if the passion is there, it's like not too much.
And then I'm comunortable too quickly.
There's some previous relationships where I have moved too quickly, and there's some relationships that I've moved very slowly, but none of it.
There's the thing, there's no right or wrong way of dating. Like, that's what I mean. That's why I get so frustrated.
I guess when you're like, oh, like next, I'm like, but I've given it a spectrum of black ways, so I don't.
Mean the next one. What I mean is like, I think that you've had a lot of experience dating, what are the common denominators within the relationships, had no, no, no, not you. I'm talking about the experiences or the red flags or the things that come up each time that you need to see as something that you sort of like dodge or get rid of in that person, you know what I mean.
Like it's not the same thing every time. It's a different reason for each different thing, but those things matter to me, so it need to be like a whole package for me. So like I don't want to take care of someone. I don't want to be someone's mummy. That's one thing that I've noticed across a few people like no, no, no, no, I don't do that, ye, Or it's a matter of like language and respect, like
using those types of derogatory words, you're not educated. Education for me is a big thing, but fucking go and educate yourself. So education is a big thing for me. Respect is a big thing for me. I guess financial like not having to worry about someone, Yeah exactly, Like that's a big fucking thing for me totally. But I've just not met that in someone like where it's like yeah they do God, I know they tick a few boxes,
but they don't tick all of mine. And that's obviously what it's got to and I'm like, okay, I moved past it quickly in a sense to figure it out if I can get over that and that can be built and that can be worked on or can be fixed.
But it's like it's not up to fucking me to do that.
Yeah, I'm conflicted, yeah.
A little bit, because it's like, yes, I want this relationship or like I have this idea of what I would like it to be and I'm not living in fairyland. I'm being realistic, like that's this is kind of what I want as a relationship. But then the other part of me is like, but I'm also like really fucking content with being by myself and getting what I need to get done and like moving towards that. And i think the more time I spend by myself, the more I'm moving away from that.
And I'm like oh no, no, no, no, like.
Because I don't want to be alone, like I want to end up with a beautiful partner who wants to build a life together. Because my brothers and sister you know, sister in laws are all having children families, like I don't want to miss out on that. So then I'm like, okay, no, no, I still need to put myself out there. So then I lean towards that and then I'm like, oh, well, I get my heart broken and I give my all to something and it didn't work, so I'm like, okay,
fuck back to this. So it is a scale constantly that I'm getting pulled and pushed from, and I've realized that and like, I'm doing all the right things. I'm in therapy, I'm learning about how I do with lifelationships, I'm experimenting, I'm learning, I'm being open. I'm trying to stay open. But the more I put myself out there, the more I get burnt, or the more I get
used and abused. It's like, you know, my worth at some points is really high and then these moments happen and it becomes really low.
And right now I.
Feel like my worth is up here, so I know what I deserve and I'm on my little high horse if you want to call it. Yeah, and I'm like, okay, well, I'm now in this moment. I'm like, okay, I'm ready to let someone in, and then I do and then it just you know, it's a cycle that I'm just like not not, haven't nailed yet.
Have you got any good friends who you see all the qualities in, but there's no romantic spark there with because I see that some people in when they find their person, they say, oh, we were friends for a long time before.
So I've done that. I've ticked all these boxes.
I could tell you now if you name it, I've done yep. One thing I fucking know though, Like, is that regardless of what the relationship has turned out to be, Like I've always made sure that I'm respectful, it's a mutual thing or it's like a discussion, you know. I try to try not to end it in a toxic way. And so I've been, you know, remained friends with most of my exes and I don't even know if that
also plays into it as well. It's like, okay, do I have because I'm friends with my exes, does that mean I'm still you know, like the string theory, Like I'm still attached to all these strings. So that's why I'm not being able to like move on to have
my own string attached. You know, I don't get what I mean, Like, if you've got all these threads and can you're connected to all these people that you've once had romantic or emotional attachment to Are you allowing yourself to then be able to move on with someone else?
You know, I fucking want the best for you. I want you to find like a miracle man or a woman who just sweeps you off your feet and fucking gives you everything.
Though, like this is I think, know, see everyone feels sad for me. Don't feel sad for me. I'm just like I'm fucking trying. It just seems like I'm.
A little bit fucking doomed in this sense. Like there are younger people that, like my friend's brother has just like bought a house.
He's twenty three.
He bought a house and he's been with his girlfriend for about, I don't know, a year and they just move in together and they're just doing life. And I'm like, they're twenty three.
How the fuck do they have that figured out? And what's wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. Different experience different.
I know, But it's like, is it my trauma? Is it because I was a bachelorreat? Like, you know, is it people like me for what I am rather than who I am? It's like, I don't know, I don't I'm trying to do the best I can with what I can, Like I'm fucking in therapy.
I'm figuring it out.
I don't have daddy issues, like I don't have a beautiful dad.
I have.
I have beautiful relationships with that.
I don't feel like it interrupts my daily living.
It's just like I don't know.
A single sober single, Yeah, sober single Wednesday night.
If you guys want to come. If you're bisexual, lesbian, yeah.
I mean shout it out. But are you at those events with one eye open?
Like, no, I'm working. I know this is a thing.
Maybe you should be on the on the other side.
Yeah, maybe I'm done with males. I need to go back to females.
But then again, like I don't know, I don't know.
Three of my exes have all messaged in the last month or so, and then all of a sudden goes yeah, like I love you and I will always love you and told me that he loves me, and I'm like, you can't say that.
Yeah, this is a goodbye call.
And then another exs and reads, Oh, I read your book and I thought it was wonderful. Thank you so much for talking about a relationship so friendly blah blah blah blah.
Just know that I'll always second one.
Then another one reaches out and it's like, oh, I'm really sorry and I regret how we'd we ended things.
No, I love you, but why closure.
I think there's a sign in this and it's like see you later, bye, goodbye, closed off, fuck off.
Maybe I'm cutting those strings exactly.
Surely there is something in that. Yeah, but none of these guys have fought for me.
How do you test someone in that in that way, like to see if they will.
I don't know, and I don't fucking try it.
Yes, it's just it's a matter of just walking away and just being like it is what it is.
Yeah, I have to say, this relationship that I'm in is the healthiest relationship that I've ever been in. Like, honestly, it's to the point where we're very open about having conversations about basically anything and resolving something before the end of the day like this. Yeah, there's some I said to him the other day. I sent him a message and I said, hey, I just want to say I was at the gym. We just left the cafe. I went to the gym. He went home and him a message.
I said, Hey, babe, I just want to say, it's so beautiful how we can talk so openly about like our issues and our relationship. And I want to say that, like I'm so happy our relationship is so healthy in this way, and like we communicate so openly about that stuff.
And I think that we've both had very different experiences in the past to what we're experiencing now, so we're trialing all the new things and like even to the point where like growth, it's growth, it's absolute growth, and it really is just a beautiful thing to experience because I don't have any pressure. I don't get any pressure in this relationship to be anything or to try and make it like amazing or it's just it is what it is. But also we had a funny conversation yesterday
about never talking about breaking up. Yeah, how sometimes it's like you have stupid conversations around if we broke up, or doing hypotheticals about like which still still love me? And even though it's cute, like let's not like bring that energy into our relationship, I've always questions for each other. Yeah it's here, I'm showing you, you know, like yeah, yeah, I think.
It's like, oh you do that.
Stop?
Why do you hate me?
Yeah?
Why do you hate me?
I do that a lot and I on that actually though, and it's like so beautiful to hear that all the work that you do is showing in your relationship.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, it's like I'm doing all this work, but I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship.
Like I've completely kind.
Of forgotten Yeah, okay, because I've just.
Been doing things by myself and doing work, like I don't know if my work is going to be worth it.
At some points, I question whether I've done enough work. But I have.
I know that I have, but I don't I doubt myself because it's like, well, I don't know until it's going to be happening. Yeah, and I haven't got to that point.
So the person that you're seeing now keeping a casual but yeah, what are the feelings you have towards them?
Like similar to you and Danny, I guess in a sense where it's very open and it's very open on communication. Ye, there's a lot of green flags, Like I'm testing the waters very quickly, like I'm like saying things like okay.
Good answer. You know like I and I shouldn't. I shouldn't do that, I should just let it happen.
But I'm just like, I don't want to waste my time, and I think I need to get that out of my brain. So I feel that there's a lot of green flags. They're very open. He's very open communicator, which is good.
I mean, just take it day by day, like when you when you start feeling the pressure, don't feel like you need to escape.
Well, that's my thing though, as much challenge, well I just run away.
Yeah, but you have to think, Okay, when you get through something like that, the pressure or the challenge, you have to see how they react to it as well. If they're comforting and if it's a safe place for you to show that side of yourself and for them to comfort you in it. And you get to the other side. That's like a building block. That's a brick when you come up against those challenges again, all the pressure,
it's a mental block for you. But if you can get past it with someone figure you navigate through it with them, that will create a stronger foundation. Like that's how I saw my challenges with Denny. Like even in the beginning, I remember I said my time, I said to him, well you're gone tomorrow. Like I literally said, well you're gone tomorrow, Like how rude. He took that as like like obviously fucking rude, but he was like, Okay, he's in his moment, he's having this reaction to something.
The next morning we had another conversation. I apologized, and it was like a building block of me going, oh, he's not going to just react to my rudeness or like immaturity. He's going to like take a moment, wait for me to apologize and then have a proper conversation. That built like such a strong like start relationships.
In your behalf. But it worked because it worked.
Yeah, I guess that's also try you know that kind of what I tried to do is, you know, test the waters agains, and I shouldn't do it all the time, but the time because it's like, well am I the learning how you deal with things, how you respond, and how you're willing to work through them.
And that's the whole thing.
A relationship, isn't it about sometimes the love itself. It's about how you figure out and work things through.
And figure out it to have respect for you and not like not superficial respect, actual respect, because respect will allow them to take care of you and to make good decisions based on like how they feel towards you. If they don't respect you, and if they just say they're doing the actions, aren't there, You're going to figure out pretty quickly that they're going to have some moves that are going to be easy for you to disregard and leave. But I also think that I am not
the best person to give advice on this. I'm such like a one track minded person when it comes to relationships, and I feel like I've been in a relationship hardly ever dated and that I'm in another relationship. So I'm not the best person. But I feel like our listeners, I feel like they will have some either advice or.
Fucking give me any advice, Like we.
Should put a co out to them about, you know, just about relationships in general, and you know, if they're loyal listeners, maybe they have some advice that you know, they've heard some things over the time of the pod that maybe they'll be able to help up.
Yeah, maybe they've listened to me fucking go on about this for months and months and months and months that they're like, I'm sick of hearing this ship Brook, this is what you need, blah blah blah.
Well let's open it up to the floor. Yeah, post on our Instagram. But if you have any also, I want to know some juicy dilemmas, like do you have any relationship dilemmas that have unfolded in your life that you want to share with us that maybe has come to a great resolution. Ascus First, I love it. What do you want to hear from them?
I think I want to know if there's any other women, particularly that are in similar situations with me, with having some difficulty around finding their person or relationships, Like I want to know what their journey has been like and what their experiences have been like, whether they've had similar to me where they've gone all in and it's not worked out, or they've half asked done something and then it happens to be like a good person and then they end up with them.
I want to know also, like.
I guess some hopeful stories that give me a little bit of hope, because I feel like I need that right now.
I love this well. I also just had like a light bulb moment, why don't you and I create a TV show called Marry the Mob and it's fun. It's for single people to blackfellows to find their matchtch it love it?
Yeah? All right, well that's all we have time for today. Thank you so much for listening to First things First, if you love what you hear, leave us a reading and a review.
I think you want us to cover anything on the pod. Reach out by our socials books. Handle is at brook dot blurt and money is at its Matty Meals And we'll see you next time.
Bye,