Today we're recording on Gadigul country and.
We'd like to pay our respects to the traditional custodians of the Gaticol people. I know you're going to dig this. It's like I've been given like an extra sprinkle of something.
You've got layers, Yeah, I got layers.
I was just thinking, I'm like, we're just such beautiful storytellers.
You're making a lot of sense to that girl. No, I'm done.
I've been too honest to God.
All right. Comparison is the thief for joy? Will you go for for me?
So I was watching this video the other day, by the way, Yeah it is.
It is.
Comparison is the thief for Joey.
Comparison culture. I remember you said this, yep.
But today we're going to do some comparisons because I feel like there was this video I was watching right about this girl and she's in a lesbian relationship. But she was saying, like, since dating her girlfriend, and she's noticed all of these things in terms of the relationship that have like blown her mind. I guess in terms like haven't irked her? The opposite of earth?
Okay, okay, And it.
Was making me think about Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah, I haven't had those experiences yet with Mia, but it makes sense. Like, so I was trying to like think about some what's the joy, Like what is the comparison to dating a man to a woman, and what are the things right?
And there's so many.
I would love to hear from you. You have much more experience on both sides. Yeah, dating men and women. What is the number one difference that you see?
I would say like emotional intelligence is the key top one. Like I can talk to Mia for hours and I just have a feeling and I'm not like a knowing like she understands yea, where with a man, it honestly feels like you're talking to a differ, like in a different language.
Really you're literally like flab You're like what wow.
It literally feels like when you're telling a guy to do something or you're you're literally explaining something to them, they just can't process it in the way that a woman can.
Okay, so that sometimes it's.
Not even like even words like I could give me a look and she'll like sometimes even just like no, you know.
Like it's crazy.
Wow.
That's probably the top one.
The second one for me is like the level of like hygiene levels increase like dramatically, like they're so much better.
Like and I have lived with clean guys.
And we're talking about heterosexuals here, yeah, heterosexual men.
Because yeah, like yeah, but it's not like for gay men, Like.
The hygiene is like top tier, Like hygiene is everything for us, Like we've got to be ready, girl, we are ready dot com.
And house ready or like all of the above.
Girl, the kitchen is clean, the oven is ready, and we are ready to cook. Trust me all the time. If you don't ready to be, you don't have to get ready if you stay ready. No, Look what I'm what I mean by that is that like gay men are different heterosexual men, I'm sure. Like I think my partner has like a twenty five step skincare routine that he does basically every day. He will get me to come in and wash his back for him, you know, like he's hygiene grub dub.
Yeah.
Yeah, love that. And this man.
Walks I think asked me to do that just yet.
Well you'll get there probably, yeah, he's he'll walk around the house naked and his body is clean. Girl, Like, I think gay men are a different ball game. So let's talk about your experience with heterosexual men, and yeah, I can talk about gay men.
I mean I think, like there's so many layers to it. But if we're gonna talk about hygiene specific like dating a man to dating a woman, like like I think the innately, like a woman cleans up after herself, a man will just like put something like down and just like forget about it and just it will stay there until he's rethought about it. Like but that will be like days later, all weeks later, do you know what I mean? Like with a woman, she's like, fuck, where did I put that something?
Oh?
There it is, bang, And then she'll put it in the spot where it belongs.
Do you think all women are like that?
I think most women are.
Like I'm gonna overgeneralize here and say that I think most women are tapped into that like clean up after yourself kind of like or like oh god, like they're just not grubb.
I mean they're not grubby.
Yeah, I just I feel like they've just got that Like you know, when you open a bonnet of a car and it has like those little chip things what do you call them?
They're like chips, you know, like you know, like the little chips and you pull them out and you pull them back.
Oh you mean the oil tester.
No no, no, no, in a car bonnet.
Again and again. If over here doesn't anything. Oh, by the way, when I had the car accident, I had no idea what to do. I had to call like a family friend and be like, what's the process? Like I had no idea.
Okay, so, like you know when you open your car bonnet and there's these little well I was calling chips before, but they're actually like fuses, right, and they're like little micro chips that you have in your car and they do different things like electronically. That's how I see. That's like, well, we as a person, we have an engine as in like we are like motoring through life.
And I think some people have.
Some people don't, do you know what I mean, they have those fuses and they don't.
But you know, I feel like women have a lot of fuses. They've got a full.
Thing of fuses, and men have very little, so they're not wired correctly, you know what I mean?
That was the connection.
Trying to well, obviously you're wide correctly. I had no idea what you're talking about.
Users?
Users, Yeah, they're like, and I think does that come into the saying you have a short fuse?
Probably.
I feel like there's women have like different skills, and you know they were kind of like not always.
Born with them. They just you just learned, you know. Maybe it's a child within.
I think not everyone is going to be the same, but like, I don't know, there's there's I think women are conditioned to, you know, from society from TV, to look a certain way. Yeah, exactly, it comes from the patriarchy. But I think with that looking a certain way, being a certain way, upholding like beauty standards a certain way, I think women generally this is just obviously just women presenting. And you know, I feel like maybe trans women maybe
feel a different type of pressure. But I'm saying like women, I personally feel like that was like, well, I need to uphold and I need to be Like even when I was talking about miss smelling, like I was like, oh, I don't smell correctly, so I need to fix it. So I need to be clean, so I need to wash, and like you know that you taught those sort of things anyways, blah blah blah. I'm just saying, like women, I think have the type.
Of fuse that is like.
Clean, okay, so take care of dated hygiene is important to me?
Is it not the same?
Not always? There's very few men that really take pride in cleanliness and hygiene. Gay men, I would say, are like the highest percentage of men that you know.
I mean, maybe that's like a vanity focus. I'm not too sure.
I don't know, but like I'm just saying, like the men that I have dated who are heterosexual men have all been grubby as fuck. Really, Like there's been two nol and nick grubby.
No clean, oh clean clean? Even Nicko was krubby anyway.
And grubby in the sense that like.
Like a woman smells nice, okay.
There's no pheromones. There's nice pheromones, nice smelling pheromones, not like stinky bo like they just went to the gym.
I mean, my man hating error.
Doesn't sound like it.
But yeah, I would say, like that's one of the hygiene, the thoughtfulness acts of service, Like let's be honest, like when I have period pain, there's just like a nice, comfortable knowing that Mia knows exactly what the fuck I'm going through, even if she doesn't experience it. She cannot can kind of sympathize and understand, and she knows what to do in that where a man doesn't. So he doesn't know and if you even tell him, like what you need, he still doesn't do it.
Okay, like give me.
A fucking heatpack.
Okay, this is a fault though, this is this is going the other way. So I'm obviously gone one way with disliking the comparison of men to women. But when I've been in previous women relationships, the emotions are really intense and really high. So sometimes the arguments or the conflict, like the conflict can be really intense, so it can be.
Like zero to one hundred, like real quick.
And sometimes that's really good, it's passionate, but like the other times it's not good.
I haven't had that with me yet, it.
So, but yeah, I think that's like a fault, not a fault, I guess, like, but like comparison to datty men, like sometimes men are just like I don't know, you give them grace. You're like you don't understand. It's fine, just get out, just get out, just like.
Right now, you're what am I supposed to do? But very well want to compare men and women, I just don't have that comparison because I haven't been with women. So what I can say is that if you want a good in between, I'll sell you a gay man. So I think they have attributes of both, you know, the masculine side of things and the feminine side of things. And I think that I'm gonna make the best of both words, the best of both worlds, get the best,
you know. So I had a friend who was an older friend, not in age, but not a friend anymore, past friend, and they were so like insecure about their identity about being gay. And I remember being like thinking to myself, like, are you kidding? Like we are the best of both worlds? Like I really feel like literally
we are literally like the best thing that was ever made. No, but literally, I'm just gonna jump on and tell you no, I seriously, I seriously feel like gay men are at the nickel of society.
Oh that's a bit call.
It is, And I'm a stand by, I'm a stand on my truth. No, but I I just think on that hill when I when I say that, I don't mean the pinnacle of society and everyone's below us. I just feel like we've been given a little something extra. It's like a little sprinkle of Yeah, you know, all the flavors of the flavors of the world. Yeah, it's clean. No.
I hate when people stereotype gay men because like, is there grubby men out Like is there grubby gay men out there?
Or are they closet homosexuals? Like do you know what I mean?
I'm sure there are grubby gay men out there? Of course there are.
You know, listen of the things of like why gay men are the best?
What do you mean why not?
Like actually, like through your point, give me facts. I want facts.
I'm a good bag.
I say, what s it?
No, okay, what I mean by that is.
That you're clean.
Yeah, but that's like the bare minimum. Girl. We got so much.
But when you say feminine energy, like, what do you mean?
Like gay men so emotionally intelligent, sensitive, We can emotionally connect. We can connect with our emotions much easier, and.
It's probably communicate them.
Yeah, like in multiple languages, okay, like a stare like.
You kill me?
Okay, yeah you well, I would say, okay, this is an over generalization, but I think he's about.
To list all the things that game integrade at Well, No, I was just.
Going to say, like, queer people in general, I think are like not gonna lie pretty elitists, like we're the best because one, I think because as a minority and a minority group and in society, like we've been oppressed, right, So there's history of like oppression and the fact that there's so much like history, like like horrible history, and it has had you know, like we've had to reclaim and.
Like reassert ourselves, et cetera, et cetera.
You know this history, Like I've only got thirty years of my life living in that. But like I think with that, when you when you are like a bit of when you have been oppressed, even as a First Nations person, you know, the feeling of like resistance, right, And so I feel like that makes us so much more Look, I'm going to say less judgy, but I'm going to use that lightly. But I'm also going to say we are more inclusive, and I think we're more accepting.
Yeah, we are more accepted.
And I think as a society, like if you put all the queer people in like you know, in the world, in one room, I can honestly say, like comfortably hand on heart that I feel like it would turn.
Into an orgy, the world's world record orgy. You kill me. You were so serious, so serious, like people in the world into one, and I'm like.
Like, hand on heart, no, but.
Look like for real like that that that's like myni gral but like twenty times over.
But I just think you're so right. I think what you're spot on about is the fact that as a community, we've always had to fight and prove our identity and stand up for ourselves and fight for who we are.
So like there's this resilience that's built. And I think that as queen people, our lives have been a journey of always trying having to ask yourself questions about your identity, prove that y'a externally to people, and then at some point, I feel like you get to a place where you're just like fuck it, Like I don't need to I don't need to continue to like prove myself to anyone. I think that comes with being first nations as well
in this country. So I feel like, you know how I said gay people are like the best in society. I think that like the intersection of blackfellows and queer so.
Yeah, that that kind of takes me to my next No, but that kind of takes me to my next point, right because like when I'm so now being in a same sex relationship, I feel so much more comfortable. Not that I ever did feeling like straight, because it was never straight obviously, like being byed doesn't just go away.
But I felt like.
When I was in heteroonormative relationships, I didn't always feel like the places and the things that I was doing in those relationships were always the most like accepting and like most like more comfortable. Even though I have like all my queer friends, right yeah, and like when I hang out with them one on one, it's great, but when I hang out with them with my relationship, it kind of always feels.
Like I am having to.
Make my partner feel comfortable about being in that space where it doesn't that kind of feels like work, right, And I think that's probably a comparison that I I didn't really like being in a sort of heteronormative relationship, and I think like now being with me or I feel like all the spaces that I'm in like feel just easy, Like i feel like I'm just am I comfortable and just it's just like a.
Brief that's really nice.
Yeah it is.
It's like I don't have to like prove myself, you know what I mean, not that I was or like have been. Like people know that I'm but every time I feel like I was in a like straight relationship or dating someone, they would just deny it and I was like yeah, and I get really upset about it.
But I think that's the best.
Thing about my current relationship is that, like I'm with a partner who he's you know, my day to day shit is like can listen and not judge. It's the best and understands to a level that I've actually needed my whole life, like whole life, like just just someone to listen to or like and but have this like feeling like, oh I feel understood.
It's the best.
But like, yeah, I don't think I've really felt like that. I think other relationships have been pretty superficial and a bit like like transactional.
I guess, yeah, yeah, I definitely feel like.
Also, I gained a whole new wardrobe being with a girl, you like, you get a whole new wardrobe.
Do you get that as well? With Denny? Do you guys share clothes.
H some one of us has bigger muscles.
Who is it?
Yeah, who is it? You tell me? No, just it's God.
From comparing just being Maddy, just being like I'm the best.
We do share clothes, but specific clothes, yeah, sometimes actually and sex toys now okay, No, Look when he is one thing that I really admire about Danny, and I think that, like sometimes in the gay community can can be something that many people need to work on. But being judgmental, Danny's really not judgmental at all. You know. He's actually taught me to not judge and be more compassionate towards people, even people who have made mistakes in
their lives. Like we watch documentaries and I'm always thinking, like that person needs to go to hell and jail forever. They're the worst person on the planet, and I'm judging them hard. Denny's like, people can make mistakes in their lives, mat and this person now has to spend the rest of their time. There's consequences, and they should, you know, face the consequences, but you can still feel empathy for them.
And I'm like, no, I usually was talking about that.
Yeah, And so like he's taught me a lot about compassion and empathy. Even though I thought I was a compassionate person, He's sort of brought this next level of that and has really resisted me with a relationship with my mum actually, you know, like he's so passionate towards my family dynamics as well. So yeah, I think being less judgmental is something that the gay community need to work on.
I have a question on that. I mean, so, like Danny's not like an Australian or he's Australian citizen.
Now well he has his citizenship test.
In like a week, Okay, so yeah, Danny's not quite an Australian citizen yet, so this is a citizenship is coming up.
He doesn't have any Australian in him, but he has had it in him.
And then that is when you put up the kangaroo and the and you emoji.
No my question today, I'm yeah, No, I was gonna ask.
A really good question, like in terms, because obviously you can't compare it to women and men, but you can compare someone who is Australian slash English speaking, where Danny isn't English is in his first language, right, Spanish is Yeah, so like have you, what's the difference between like dating someone where you you're having to understand him on a different level of like language, Barrows.
You know what I mean.
I think language, but also privilege, like when you come from a country like Columbia where you don't have the support systems that our country have, and you can definitely see that to make it or to be successful, you have to work your fucking ass off. You don't have any back back out. You know, if you fall to
the ground, you're going to be on the penut. So for him to come here without a word of English, to work his for the last six years, create his business and be successful and still be a kind and empathetic person and show me that like empathy and compassion is paramount his values for me. It has cemented this level of respect that I have for him, and that's
at the foundation of a relationship. I really have learned a lot from Denny over the last few years, like hanging out and hanging out being with him, So I yeah, I think that the foundation of my relationship is respect for Denny, and I think I haven't had that in the past. I think that I probably didn't respect my previous partner like I respect Danny, Wow. And so that's not huge. That's something that has like definitely that I've come to know. That's like, that's the foundation.
Respect is a big value when people talk about values and you know what you need in a partner and in a relationship, Like I go to like my top three, which is like respect, honesty, and like truth, and I think there's an or like like loyalty should come with all those things. If you're honest, you know your truthe like loyalty should come. So I don't really put that in my top three, but respect is like my top one.
And I feel like a lot of the.
Again not man hating, but like a lot of the men that I have dated haven't valued respect, Like haven't understood what it's like to respect women in a level that I've needed in a way. But the thing is also like I was challenging my brothers when I was in Perth. Yeah, he said something really like misogynistic and.
I blew up. I was like, how fucking dare you say something like that? Right?
And I was like if my mum was sitting right there next to you, you would never say that, Like you wouldn't you wouldn't say something like that. And I'm like, we've grown, We've fallen from the same tree. But how do I value something so strongly and I'm so passionate about it, but my brothers probably don't on that same.
Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, Linda. Linda, listen, You've made a million and one choices to create the life that you have now, which has enabled you to have all these other experiences, which has created the worldview that you have. Our families have a very specific and sometimes small minded look at the world, you know. I noticed that with my own family. So it's like we went off and we had all these experiences that shaped us to think these certain ways to create this level
of respect. And people who don't get outside their own environments are very narrow minded and that comes to their worldview and how they treat people too. So it's like to them, that's not even like to for them, maybe that misogynistic mindset isn't a priority to change because they actually haven't experienced people who who what's the word model that, Yeah, So in the communities that you know, with what they're in, maybe they don't get to see it differently. You know.
That's that's how because my brothers, my brothers can be like that too.
I whipped you know, I whip them into shape, you know that, Like I go pretty hard on like things like that. But I also like think of my sister in laws who have put up with that bullshit behavior And.
Do your sisters voice that or is that your view that you think issues?
Like problem is like where is the self confidence?
And I guess like self value on them to speak up and like challenge that as well.
Is it a priority to them mindset?
I don't know, but I just think like self worth enough and I I mean, I wouldn't say it directly, like I would privately say to her like, don't ever let him speak to you like that ever again, and I'd be like, this is why, and if you are allowing it in your life, you're pretty much you're not valu valuing yourself and you're.
Worth what I think, Like, I just.
Don't like when women like degrade themselves and like put them under people like whether whoever you're dating, right, Like I get really like and any person not to be fair, like not just women.
Do you think maybe and this is just a question because you're in and out of that environment. You can go, you can have your opinion, you can leave, you don't have to deal with it. She's in that environment one hundred percent of the time, so she's going to continuously fight this and try and stand up for herself. Do you think it's safe or do you think that that is like an uphill battle that she's just like fuck, that too much for me.
I honestly think, like, imagine like the things that you know she is juggling day to day, Like it would be purely.
Survival mode and it would be like choose my battles. And I think that is motherhood.
I think that like can be a motherhood in a nutshell is literally choosing your battles with your partner and.
With your kids. And I feel for that. I sympathize for that.
But at the same time, how many women in that phoso stop devaluing yourself Like I can't deal with that. Like not that I put myself on a high pedestal, but I know, like if someone is trying to make me feel like shit. My brother does it quite often and I call him out for all the time. He will say shit like like uh, you know, Petty, really petty things and I and like, but he thinks in his mind, this is where it's comparison to a man's brain and a woman's brain in some way.
Is that he thinks that that is a love language, Like.
He thinks that picking on me and like saying these like things to me, like petty things or like narki things or yeah, it's like this brotherly love that Like it's okay because like you know, like innately he loves me, but like he doesn't know, like I don't translate that the same Like I actually like it affects me. It hurts my feelings and I don't want to be spoken I'll talk to like that ever. Yeah, so you know,
like I had to pick him up on that. But like that's sometimes like it's like this whole mentality around men who like it's like that teasing culture, like if you'd be mean to her, you like her, and it's like, no, that should be nipped in the bart. One thing I also, I was having this conversation with me the other day about what's happening in the playground is the use of like the words gas and homosexual. It's used, It's been used in the playground from like young kids as a
derogatory term. Like it's not being like, oh no, like they're queer or they're gay, it's being like that's gay. Yeah, run away and I'll catch you. And if you don't run away, catch you, you're gay, like you're stupid, kind.
Of saying like and it's like still happening. Yeah, but we don't want them.
Me and I were talking about how we don't want them to like stop using the terminologies or the words. It's just like providing a better context. But like, how are you meant to do that? That comes from parenting? And if my brother's like saying quite homophobic or like derogatory things or misogynistic things, what does his what does his children growing and grow.
Up thinking total product of their environment?
Exactly?
That's why you nip it in the butt, show them the world, show.
Them the other Anyways, I don't know how this got into this weird ass rant, but like.
I actually really needed it. Thank you so much. I feel lighter.
That's good.
These are the battles that I think people don't understand that I have daily, like you know, being this ugh. I mean I spoke about it on a post and like I had like one hundred and thirty thousand people like see it, and that's the highest my engagement's been in a while because it was me crying, and I think that's horrible, Like why do people want to see me cry? Like I don't want to see myself cry, but like they relate to it post it.
I think because I just felt.
Really alone in the process, and not like I felt alone like I don't have support network. I just also like wanted like people who did feel like the same sort of feelings. And I know that there are because like the amount of mob who messaged me saying this is me, like so many like you have no idea, people that I thought like would never have those problems are in that same boat.
And I was like, wow, like it was insane.
And I knew that in some degree, but not to the amount that had messaged me.
And I was like, this is crazy.
And I just kind of wanted I feel isolated and I just wanted to like express like my feelings and I was feeling frustrated and like overstimulated as well, So I was like, maybe if I like write my feelings or like voice how I'm feeling, maybe it will help.
And it did.
But then like reading everyone's messages, ye, reading everyone's messages was the thing that like kind of got me through the day. But then my brother really fucking pissed me off that.
Day as well.
Did they what did they say about it?
Nothing?
They saw my post that morning. I posted that afternoon, like three o'clock in the afternoon. I literally met them an hour later, and like none of them said something, if anything. My brother obviously read it, and my sister in law, but they mentioned like my brother because obviously I mentioned like financial burdens sometimes because it is a financial burden, like the amount of shit that I've had to pay for these fuckers I love them, but like fuck me, Like I mean the amount of times I've
had to pay things, you know. And then like I said, you you pay for balance and I'll pay for lunch, and like it was a deal. And then I got to lunch and he was like, oh, I'll split you for lunch. And I was like, it's okay, Like we made a promise. It's we made a deal. It's fine, and he was like, oh no, I'll do it. So then you don't have a hold a grudge, Like why do you need to say stuff like that. I don't hold grudges. I actually have no grudge against anything financially.
I'm just telling you that I feel sometimes the weight of it because you guys aren't appreciative.
If you were just appreciative, it would be fine.
So if you're listening giving, they don't listen to they don't they've never read my book, they don't listen to the podcast. They don't congratulate me on any fucking thing that I do in my life. They do absolutely fuck all. This is the reality. And people think, oh, I have a glamorous life or a bachelorette.
Fuck off.
I literally literally live like a lone wolf in Melbourne. And because when I do go back to Perth and I have to deal with their shit makes me want to move away.
Anyways. Blah blah blah, rant over. This episode is going to be called brook rant. I felt good. Thank you.
I'll invoice you like literally therapy session and I love it. Thank you for letting me, thank you for holding space to me. You are like the brother that I've actually always needed. So I appreciate that you always check this.
Yeah, you are your finger. I feel a lighter as well. That's all we have time for today, but thanks for listening to First Things First. If you are dealing with any struggles and your MOB, you can also reach out to one three Yarn. Brooke did that during the week when she was having her in a bit of a moment and they helped her. So they're a good source for MOB.
And they really are, honestly, guys, I really mean it. I had like an hour chat with them and it was great and I loved it.
And if you're white.
Guys, if you're not Indigenous and other resources Lifeline which is thirteen eleven fourteen.
That's all we have time for today. Thanks so much for being so open about your story Brook and sharing. I know that a lot of MOB listening to this probably resonate with you, So yeah, and thank you mom for listening to the First Things First. If you love here, leave us a rating in a little review, And if you want to reach out to one threeyn you can Their details and lifelines details are in the show notes.
Yeah, and if you want us to cover anything on the next episode.
Reach out by our socials.
My handles at prop Doublin and Mattie's handle is at It's Maddie Mills, we'll see you next week.
Bye, gotcha.