Menus To Be Buried With (with Ed Gamble, James Acaster & Brett Goldstein) - Judgement Day! • Comic Relief 2023

Food is also good like films in a way. I am doing a special comic Relief podcast mash up with your favorite podcast off menu. We've done this twice before. I'm very excited to have the Genie and pred Brambles back on the show. This time it's Judgment Day. They've died once. I've resurrected him. Now I'm going to decide whether they go to heaven or hell. It all makes sense, and we're doing this for Comic Relief. Make sure if you listen, you donate to Comic Relief. Make sure if

you don't listen, you also donate to Comic Relief. Comic Relief is doing wonderful things. You'll hear about it through the show and we very much hope you enjoy this episode. So that is it for now. I very much hope you enjoy episode three of podcast Mashups for Comic Relief. It's Menus to be Buried with Judgment Day. Hello, and welcome to Menus to be Buried with Judgment Day. It is I Brett Goldstein and I am rejoined for the

third time by a couple of absolute geezers. One of them is has been touring the same show for seventy five years. The other one has been touring a show he didn't write any material for. Please welcome to the podcast. It's the brilliant Pet Brambles and the gen There's no point us clapping, we've realized over Zoom. We all clapped each other there, but Zoom's cutting out the clapping, isn't it, Brett? It is we have to say things like clap or why do you think that says? Why do you think

it's a conspiracy? Zoom doesn't want people clap in each other and being nice. Zoom's trying to keep us all down, so we won't meet up in person because we'll all feel so low. We won't leave the house. So we'll keep using Zoom for meetings. That's why. Well, last time we did one of these, Brett, we did it on Zoom, but you were in England, so I think it might be you who doesn't up with us. Yeah, I forgot that happy comic relief you boys. It's lovely to see

you again. Lovely to see you. Always frustrating to see a man whose name begins with a certain letter drinking from a mug which has a completely different letter on it. Yes, your mug, says a A Brett. Now tell me this. Let's have a quick let's have a quick catch up for the game. It's been a while since we did a perfectly makes sense format of menus to be buried with and wow, Ped Brambles, you've been touring like a madman. Yes, last year. How's it been? All fine? All done now?

But then I've got to go to Australia and New Zealand to do it as well. The same show. Well it would be some different bits. I'll chop and change it because there's a lot of things that won't makes to Australians. Can you can you give me one example? You don't have to do the bit, but subject ways cbbies. Yeah, it doesn't translate. Understand that doesn't translate. I'd have to say, say babies, the understand it. Brilliant, brilliant. The gd have been fascinated by. As we know, you are very good

with audiences. You tend to hate EI ten on them. You see them as the bit of your existence. So you've been doing a new shaw called Hecklers Welcome, Yes, where you've been trying to change your feelings on this. Has that been going good? Actually? I've changed my feelings. I think there's a stead of lead. Tell me change it. It's a process. This isn't the podcast for it, Brett, This isn't the po this is this are the three

lads mucking about podcasts. I'm talking about my feelings and you know that this is just Brett setting up to make fun of you, James. Yes, and then we know what's going to happen. Yes, we do know what's going to happen, because last time it happened. What happens? We all? Oh, last time, Brett? What happen? How quickly we forget last time? All three of us we're making fun back and forth

of each other. And then afterwards you got on the blower to Benito and said, all right, bet here, Oh, can you take out all the bits that I said? That what I'm making fun of those two because him sound really mean. I don't want people think I'm mean. I want people have think I'm kind to believe. And then they took all the stuff out that you said and then didn't tell us that. They didn't tell us that you've made that request. Yeah, so all of our distance to you were still in there, and we look

like a couple of bullies. You call me listen, that's not bullying, that's the statements of facts. That's someone who understands you talking to you. Well, why did you why did you allue the facts taken out? Oh? Those things got taken out, did they? Yeah, because you asked your offer, and everybody take it out. Well, I'd say, reinstate them. Let the court see I was talking to a person with understanding and empathy kind of belief. Pet Brambles and the Genie you have died again because it is now

judgment day. You stand on the edge, You stand on the edge of heaven and hell. You must tell me the best and worst thing that you did in this lifetime and answer some questions about food stuff. In the end, I will decide whether you get to go to heaven or hell? Makes sense, young men? Yes, thank you. Can I ask a quick question at this point, please? Yeah. Absolutely. We've both done this format separately and alone when it's about films and had to come up with our best

and worst thing. I struggle to do that anyway. Should this be some best and worst thing we've done together? I love it that me and Ed have to agree on the best thing we've done together and the worst thing we've done together. That's great. Yeah, this will be a testing because let's see, let's see what happens. I'm

not going to pass to edgiment yet. That's what we're here for, because I forgot when I did the podcast spot myself and forgot about this bit until you said it, and then I had to come up with something on the spot and it wasn't very good. You were the best answer that I've had on this. That's true. Actually, for those of you haven't heard the episode, Ed's best thing he ever did was Mary, his wife, and the worst thing was relentlessly teat on it. Yeah, that's true.

I can't let sentiment hang in the air for too long. So what's the best the worst thing you two have done together? Now it's becoming clear I'm using this to just shift all the all the stuff onto James. Oh well, I thought you had an answer. No way, man, I respect you along with this because I thought you already had one pretty many of the goal. I didn't have to think of it. No, I thought you could think

of it for me. Well, so the best thing that Edie and I have done together, it may not have been a constantly fun experience, but the thing that I felt with the biggest achievement was when ed and I went on the run together. Yes, because we really bonded together, banded together and bonded banded and bonded together. Yes, because like, look, when we went on the run, Benito confided in in his employees and he said to them, well, that's the end of the podcast, because that these two were going

to fall out and then that's it. Yeah. And then we came back off the run and he was like, how did it go? You falled out the podcast over We're like, no, actually no, we didn't fall out because we were we both went into it knowing what the other one needed. Support wise, we knew what the other one's limits would be, and like when their need to just be left alone for a bit, We did that with each other. It felt really good. By then I was like, Joe, what I mean? I already knew this

guy's my friend. But by the end I was like, man, friendship test passed. We did it. That's an excellent story. When you say you know what each other needed. What's peed Brando's primary need? Do you think just give him? Give him some time, give some space. They're trying to make it stressful, deliberately, that's the that's what they're trying to get. He's reaching his limit. Don't stir the pot, don't keep it, don't go oh, Ed, are you okay all the time? In his factors? Just step back, baby,

talk to the camera guy for a bit. Let Ed walking off, And that happened, and Ed was saying with me whenever I was like, clearly, oh man, he just go okay, just leave him alone for a bit. Similar needs actually, yeah, yeah, it's very similar. Yeah, just a bit of space. And then I had to James off in his sleeping bag. Yeah, well yeah he's got that's quite a specific need from Yeah, well you know, ask him, they'll show receive. What's the worst thing you ever did

together other than the sleeping bag incident? Relentlessly cheating Head's wife. When I marry my wife, she marries my friends as well, so they're not allowed to have any other relationships. Yes, it's complicated, isn't it. Yes, you know you're in Hollywood. Your way. I made your way for the green card so I could work out here, and I know those She literally came to me. What I realized after I've married, She's done me right up. Green card. She just made

a green airpoy didn't work. They said, no, just you're you're stillatorious? Was the fuck? There's nothing quite light red nose day that time when we come together, bring the laughs and raise life changing money. Whatever you can do this year, you'll be part of something amazing that's helping people through the toughest times of their lives in the UK and around the world, and helping them to break

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The money raised will help support people struggling with the cost of living crisis and tackle issues such as homelessness, mental health problems and food poverty here in the UK and around the world. A portion of the money raised throughout our Red Nosday campaign will go towards the emergency response the devastating earthquake in Turkey and Syria. Donations will help to fund organizations providing essential support including blankets, food,

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donation will go to Comic Relief, a registered charity. You must be sixteen or over and please ask the bill pays permission. For full terms and conditions, visit Comic Relief, dot Com, Forward Slash Podcast mashup right, Well, your best and worst interest, but I can't decide. Perhaps we should talk about some food stuffs to help me with my decision. What is the meal that you had when you were

too young to have it that affected you themized? Now, if for those of you might be listening to this crossover for the first time, it's the third time we've done it. And what we do is we take Brett's questions from his podcast Film to Be Buried With and just put food in where it should be films, so they don't always work, but I think this one works. Brett. Yeah,

I agree. I agreed too. What's your answer? Well, I'd say every meal when I was young was a meal that I was too young to have it because I was a little posh Gormond child. Can you give me an example, yeah, man, because examples flying your way. I always refused to have the kid's menu, so I'd always have to have what the grown ups were having. And then once I went to a wedding when I was a little boy and they had all separate food for

the children, the different table. But I didn't want that, and there was a big argument over whether I could have the adults food. I was probably about seven or eight, and it all kicked off, and in the end they agreed, and that was the first time I had poached salmon. Wow, delicious, I've never had posed seven. Absolutely delicius. You make it like an egg. Yeah, you crack the salmon in into the pan. Yeah, spin it around. You got to put the salmon in the whirlpool. It goes mad and then

it's delicious. Yeah, you loved it as a kid or this stuff? Did you? I loved it? By that point there's been so many arguments. I was like, you better like this, you little little shit, otherwise it's going to be a disaster and you're gonna have to go and eat chicken goujons with the rest of the losers. Even that would have been possed for me. Yeah, I meant nuggets. Oh yeah, what about you, the genie? What's the food you ate when you were too young to have it

that affected you the most? This story gets told every time. We will see a certain family friend who was there for it, and she always brings up when I was a little kid, my parents made a curry and they thought it wasn't very hot, but it was really hot. But the rule in our house was that you didn't get dessert unless you ate the main course. I knew that going in, so I was really powering through it. And apparently for the whole song, I was like, you know,

I was like seven or six or something. For the whole thing, I was going but that out my mouth and blowing kept on going. It's very nice, Mammy, thank you. I like eating this curry and just absolutely just dying. Also, we never knew what the dessert was going to be. We just knew it was dessert, so we never found out until the end. Sometimes it was me awful and natural yogurt, and then you'd be really gutted. I can't remember what the dessert was that day, but that's how

much I loved dessert is. I was like, whatever it is, I want it, So I'm going to eat this curry that is actually the temperature of the sun is very very hot. Natural yogurt probably would have helped. That would most Oh, that would have been brilliant if it was natural yogurt. Sweet story. And I haven't heard you go since ed wan't too up in the sleeping bed. If you could eat one meal in a film, which one would it be? What? Yeah, that makes sense? Actually, yeah

it does. It does make sense. We've discussed this now and again, I can't remember what whether we've discussed it on one of these Yeah, we talked about Studio Ghibli a lot. Yes, there's been a lot of a lot of meals in films that we've talked about quite frequently. I want to eat the taco from the menu that prints all your bank details on it, the bank tacho. Yeah, I want the bank taco or like just like, yeah, stuff from my personal documents printed on a taco, because

I wouldn't be creeped out by that. I'd be like, what a lot of attention the kitchen have gotten to to hack my account and there's all my bank details. I'd love that. Yeah, they've really done done their homework. Yeah, exactly, going to eat it? What's the big deal? Yeah exactly, yum yum. You're leaving your bank details hanging around. You're going to eat it? No, exactly, what about you the genie. I think I've said in the past that the banquet

the fast from hook the bank around isn't that imaginary? Though? Yes, but they make it look So those kids are so good at acting when they're eating it and it's invisible still and they're just imagining it, they're so good at doing it. It It looks delicious. I'm like, oh man, because probably one of them just looking at them, like look at his lips and being like, oh, what what do you read? At the chief or whatever he calls them chief in Google Hunting, but like he looks like really

hungry because the kids are so good at miming. So I always think like that food. But also any food that Brad Pitt eats in a film, he really makes it look delicious. Every film he eats like an animal. Brad Pitt, he's really like disgusting the way because he's not eating, he's not eating off camera. Yeah exactly, that's so true. Heads he loves it when he reads a script and he goes, oh, I'm going to get have a dinner. Yeah, it fully goes eats a hot dog.

But like Si metally, that's why whenever whenever they break for lunch, you hear him go a shit. Yeah, so maybe I would do that the banquet and cook, but I want Brad Pitt there, all the food. You have nothing nothing left for you now, but it's all mine says like loads of food. That you'd be like this with a with a hot dog, and he'd be like and he'd take you. You'd be like, Brad, Well, that'd be funny. That would be good fun if if every time I was mine in eating some food, Brad Pitts

swooped it. The date it up my hands. What is the worst date you ever had at a meal? Genie? Let's start with you, because I know you'll love this question. Oh yeah, I love it. This is right up your street. It's a very easy answer, this one. I think I was. I still hadn't ever really been on a proper date, still lived back home. How old were you I would have been. I don't know, seventeen something like that. I'm

pretty late to the date game. Bretta and I remember turning up this place that it's just like a It was a pub but it did food in. Katherin wasn't many options and agreed to meet someone there. Can you give me a bit of infer about the woman in without naming it a friend of a friend, you know, her and her mates was at the pub and we were at the pub. Anyway, I turned up at the pub for our food and she was hammered. She was she was there before me, and she was absolutely hammered.

I remember we were walked around the block a couple of times. She was like, I go for a walk. I got sober up. Oh. She she was like, I'm sorry, I'm oh. Yeah, she was like, she was like, OKAYU. She was like, I'm fucked because I was nervous about the date and I've just got here. I got here early, and I'm absolutely fucked. I was like, okay, let's let's go for a walk and walk around the block twice and by the edge where it's not going to happen.

I was like, okay, put her in a cab home that just walked walked back to my house on my own. That's that was going to be my first date. But it wasn't. Reader I married her. She sounds amazing. Are you still in friends of her? No? No, I hope you guys ever really saw her spoke to her again since was it? Which is quite quite impressive in cavin

to avoid someone. Yeah, my worst date story is exactly the same, except she didn't acknowledge that she was absolutely off her fucking head and was also it turned out, an incredibly angry drunk, and I was just stuck with an angry drunk who within five minutes started to fight with the waiter and then said to the waiter, pointing at me, like he'll beat you up. And I said to the waiter, I absolutely will not. I barely know

this has happened. Head Cramble's worst date you ever had a little from columb a little from column B devastatingly similar. At university, I agreed to meet a girl for drinks and a meal. I arrived and she clearly had maybe a bottle of wine plus before she'd got there. And then obviously we had a drink, and then she went to the toilet and she was in there for twenty minutes,

so obviously I'm thinking she's left, but she hasn't. She came tottering out, carried on drinking, completely refused to believe that she was drunk, then insisted we go to a nightclub. She was basically just on a drunken tear and I was following her around holding her bag and stuff. And then we went to the nightclub. She went to the toilet again for I'd say half an hour to the point where I had to sort of ask girls coming out of the toilet have you seen this person in there?

And they were like, no, there's the cubicles. Lot though. I was like, fuck, I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm like and then the bouncer came over. The female bouncer came over and was like, why are you standing by the girl's toilet talking to girls as they come out. I'm like, well, someone I know is in there. She's like, I'll go and check, and she said, yeah, I've just seen her legs come out from underneath the cubicle. So then yeah, obviously had to help her home, popped

her in her room. Lovely date, so sounds great. What does it say about the three of her us that we are so intimidating slash ugly that all the women we've been a dated were like, I gotta get fucking hammer before I meet out with them. Yeah. Well even worse, Brett, you would not believe the amount of girls that I snogged when I was a teenager. Who turns out they were so drunk that they were literally immediately six straight after kissing me. One of them in a kitchen sink.

What you kissed by the sink? She turned pinked in the sink, carried on kissing. We weren't right by the sink, although I should have done that because it had happened before. No, we were kissing and then she was like and then sort of stopped kissing and then just run run to the sink and was sick. And I won't pretend that we didn't kiss after us. Yeah, pretend Why would you? How do you? How do you? How do you have self esteem? If that was a relentless thing, it's very

very impressive, mentally, very impressive. There's an obvious answer to that question, Brett, look at his profession. Do not have selfish? Team? Oh yeah, ever heard the one about the comedian who had good self esteem? If you could live in the world of one meal, which would it be? Or if that doesn't make sense to you, which single meal would you have forever? If I put a gun to your

head and said you have to have a single meal forever. Well, let's see if I could live in the world of one meal, Yeah, I guess the movie of my life Brett would be called Cloudy with a chance of treso broccoli. Pasta. I mean, this was always going to be an easy answer for James, to be honest, very easy. See, I would love it if I was in the cloud of the chance of meat balls world, but it was raining treetoprocly pasta all the time. That's a lovely answer, Jeanie,

Thank thank you. You want to know mine? Yeah, I think the meal that I could eat in any I've taken this question to mean in any conditions, like throughout the year, and I'll never get bored of it. And it's raman any weather, any time of year, any specific raman. Look, there's a lot of good ramen in London, but some of the best raman I ever had obviously Japan. I had raman at nine am in Tokyo Airport when I was flying home from Japan. Wow. And I didn't think

it was going to be a breakfast food. But that proves the adaptability of raman. I had fantastic ramen in Tokyo airport just before we took off. Fantastic. And I love it in hot weather because it's like almost like you know, like a hot cup of tea is good in hot weather? Is it like flushes you out? Yeah? Calls you down. Yeah, so it's like that acts in the same way, and it's great in cold weather obviously as well. So yeah, it's got to be raman Brett

in Tokyo airport, were you eating? Is raman on the move with bags or no? No? No, no no, we popped. I was on the back of one of those buggies. That's what they use them for in Japan. Everywhere in the western world they use those buggies for people who can't get around in Japan as if if you've got a big bowl of raman, it was fucking a splashing all over. It was awful, burning my legs. And then I kissed my wife and she was sick, and then you flew home to cheat on with other people that

were also sick. Life. Yes, what is your favorite children's meal now? Ped you might find this difficult at having never had when is it? Yeah, I mean it may as well be for me, Like I hate all that stuff and that's really hung out, that's hung over, Like I probably prefer that sort of stuff now, but even like nuggets, chips and beans, all of that beige stuff absolutely horrible. I don't know why. I don't know why we decided that's what kids like because it's horrible stuff.

It should be stuff to make them grow well, right, But for some reason, kids food is is all mashed up chicken in a breaded dinosaur shape and stuff. No, thank you, all right, Jamie Oliver, Yeah, with the propaganda. I completely agree with Jamie Oliver. So do I about that thing? So do I on all subjects. I do like onion rings though, Oh yeah, I like shit onion rings from Frozen, like the ones that don't really really taste like onion. What other ship food do you like them? Pets?

I don't mind fish fingers now and again, I have a fish finger fish finger sandwich? Is that that's my answer? Is it? Fish fingers, chips and peas. That's a lovely meal. And that's someone who doesn't know anything about food. Yes, that's like a good meal to me. If you had a film Brett coming up or and you were like not eating all day and then you had a scene when you eat like Brad Pitt, would you be like carfish fingers, chips and pieces. Yeah, yeah, that does happen.

When you it's always a nightmare when you haven't seen where it's like they're at dinner and then someone will call you and go, what would you like the dinner to be? And you're like, oh, god, protein shake? How many tags working? They have to eat it? You're playing Joel, dammit. I'd love it if if you're in a film in like a posh restaurant and suddenly there's a shot where it's clear that you're eating fish fingers, chips and peas. Oh this is absolutely delightful. But yeah, I know what

what else is on a kid's menu? What do people love on a kid's menu? Little hamburger, little cheese, cheeseburger, turkey turkey, dinosaurs. Yeah, fish fingers. I'll tell you what we used to get it at school lunches, which, yeah, I'll tell you what we used to get at school dinners, which I shouldn't have had because weren't. We're airring into just the side of Italian food here. Now I'm thinking of a bowl of Lucky Charms. O fuck off, America,

Look at him. Lucky Charms didn't take you long, did it? Drop the cool aid? I'll come on you as well. It's lucas aid and rice crismas. Those ribs, those reformulated ribs that are just like a big strip of like just horrible me which but they put the little bits in it, the sort of little cut out bits to make it look like a rib, and they cover it in that sweet sauce. Love. I love that you're talking about it. Mcgrib the best food. Yeah, it's basically it

tastes like a McRib. But they used to do those at our school, which I'll try to make this point and again I didn't pay for school dinners. I my pat lunch in morning break and then go and steal school dinner. Thank you, thank you. Every month, nearly two million people across the UK are skipping meals because they can't afford to buy enough food. With no way out, they're going without putting their kids first, making impossible decisions

choosing a warm home over a warm meal. Just five pounds could provide a toiletry pack for someone sleeping rough in the UK. Your donation will help people who are facing the toughest times of their lives and help them to break free from poverty. Fifty pounds could help get blankets, food, water and medical supplies to survivors of the earthquake in Turkey and Syria. We know times are tough, but millions of people in the UK and across the world need

you need us now more than ever. However, much or little you can give will make a massive difference and tackle issues such as homelessness, mental health problems and food poverty. So if you can, please head Comic Relief dot com, Forwards Left podcast mash Up and give. Now. What is the meal that you didn't think you would like but you ended up loving? Bread? These things are very rare for me. I like most things. You've got a positive attitude going into food, don't you. I do. I hated

celery for a long time. So the first time I had celery again, I thought, I'm going to hate this. It's when I had some buffalo chicken wings with the celery and the blue cheese, which I don't know how. I don't know what the point is of that. I don't know how you're supposed to do that, whether you're supposed to balance something on the celery or dip it in the blue cheese. But then what you why are

the chicken wings there? But I thought, I'm going to absolutely hate celery, And you know what, I loved it. So fresh, so crunchy, so delicious, and it helps that there was blue cheese and chicken wings next to it, but to disguise the taste of the celery. But now I don't mind the taste of celery. A lovely snack. Celery. Sure, peanut butter, but celery. Cey, tell celery, yes, exactly, celery. Put the celery in the bin and eat a block and cheese, the lovely celery. What about you, the genie.

When I was a kid, my mum made a tie fish soup and at the time, as far as I was concerned, I didn't really like soup. Soup was boring and I definitely didn't want a fish soup. And I thought that sounds awful, and it was one of my favorite meals. Now when we go home, I'll request it because it's just delicious. It's got all the it's got the coconut milk in it. I hadn't had coconut milk in a soup before. Didn't know how good that could be. Big chunks of salmon in their prawns, loads of veg

and vegetables. Thank you for explaining what that's what veges short for in England? Right, Okay, I know something? Where'd you get there? You go into you go into your writer's room this morning, you pitched edge. You pitch that as a word in a script. Over there and see what they say. I don't know. You're talking about lucky charms and stuff. Now, I don't know if you know what. I don't know if you'll know what vegges they've got

card and vege? What I think Bret's talking about vaginas again? Bread? Come on, man, come on with this guy. Give it a rest for two seconds. And in front of him, he's louds of vegge. Do you mean actresses, Bret, you're on your last one in He's just chowing down under da. That's what? Yeah? That that tie fish soup. Man, the best, the best, lovely answers from both of you. Thank you, thank you very much. Now to the question I'm most interested in, and I believe your listeners are, what is

the single most erotic meal you've ever had? Let's start with the genie. No, let's start with ped because I know the genie likes four player and want to do you mean the experience of the meal or the meal itself? You interpret how you want. But because I've had penis pasta before, but I wouldn't say that was necessarily erotic. Then that's not your answer. But thank you for letting us. When were you When were you having the l penis pasta?

Was that Hannibal Lector's house? I bought it? No, it wasn't. There wasn't It wasn't like a penis sauce. It was the pastor itself was in the shape of little PENI. You can get loads of that sort of stuff once. There's a place in London. I don't know if it's open anymore, but well, it used to be somewhere else. I think it was like a place that did tea that Charlie really liked. My wife, Yeah, we know, we're all teateing in it. And we went we went to where the tea place was and it had been replaced

by a shot that exclusively selled dick shaped ice creams. Wow, how do you do that? I don't know. I don't know if it's still open, but it was a mate like all different flavors, different sizes. Yeah, wow, could have dipped in stuff. It was very funny that a place that meant quite a lot too, it was replaced by a dick check ice cream shop. That's a real slap in the face, dipped in bed. So what's your bast of rotting meal? Because that doesn't send that erotic. Well,

I don't know. I'd say the more I get through a meal, because I tend to eat a lot, the less erotic everything becomes. Yes, I can't eat myself out of being horny quite easy. And I know, you know in films when people are eating a meal and they'll be like, oh, and it'll just the whole thing and I'll overcome them and they'll have to stop eating the meal to go and go and shack. That's never happened to me. The eleven food has never been outweighed by No.

I'm never going to leave a restaurant halfway through a meal. If I've cooked something, I'm not going to let it go cold. Also if I if I've cooked, which I guess in the home is probably you know, you could probably make that quite erotic because you know you're near a place where you can do it right. But if I've cooked, I tend to kill the mood by just constantly asking questions about how much they're enjoying it interesting,

very very interesting. I mean I guess for me as someone who you know doesn't understand basic sort of how to eat stuff, the idea of like eating a big meal and then going straight to sex. I'd just be worried about windy pops, do you know what I mean? I'd just be like, Oh, hang on, what about the windy pops? What's about you? The genie? Does a packet of crisps count as a meal? I don't know. You

need to tell what's the context of this crisps. When I was thirteen, here some friends watched I watched American Pie for the first time, and I was eating a packet of crisps while watching it. It's very sexy. Did you did you fuck the packet of crisps? I would have if the moon was empty, I would have fucked anything, because that film was so sexy. Man, I've never seen anything that sexy until that point in my life. I couldn't believe what I was seeing in that. Yeah, your

remaker is called English crisps. That is this you bagging a load of walkers? Yeah? Still Eugen Leavy for some reason, he comes in and finds James explained, what's that noise? So much crunching upstairs? Oh Jesus, your your ice cream. Dick's cutain ribbons. Actually it should be Gary Lynicus, shouldn't it Plague? Yeah, shit, still try to steal the crisps off my dick. It's that because earlier in the film

someone's told me, I've been like, what's it like. They've been like, it's like, it's like a drive back in a crisp. It's like fucking a bag of so you'll feel very sore afterwards. Which meal you don't care about as a whole meal has a single food within it that you love? Genie, It's a very difficult one. But I would say I'm not that bothered. Even I'm a dessert boy, not that bothered about chocolate fudge cake. Find it a bit boring? Wow, chocolate fudge cake? Yeah, Jesus Christ.

For when it has a scoop of ice cream. I love ice cream, So I would say, the scoop of ice cream and a chocolate fudge cake and ice cream, that's the most shogging thing you've ever said about. To find that, well, you gotta remember, like, I love dessert so much that when it is a dessert menu, I really want to find something special, something that I eat, love and chop the fudge cake. They're ten a penny.

They're are most ones. When you have a really really good one, sure it's delicious, but it's very rare that you get one that's a showstopper. They're mainly done to like mid level quality, and they just they just sling them on the menu, and when you do have it, you're like, yeah, I'm getting the sugar in my body, but at what cost? Very interesting and surprising answer. Thank you, insightful. What about you ped brands? See, weirdly, I'm kind of

similar but for a different thing. So I'm not really a fan of sweet baked goods the actual baked bit so like cake, plain cake that the actual sponge. I'm not that interested in chocolates a little bit more like cupcakes that the actual cake, but not that interested. It's all about the icing and the toppings, right, So I'll happily slice off the top of a cupcake and just eat the icing. I don't need the ballast of the sponge.

But then also I'm kind of like that with if you want to take this is my answer bread, I mean like a fish pie or a shepherd's pie if it's got cheese on the top. Of it. All I really want to do is eat the cheese off the top, not bothered about anything else. Do you think quite a lot of your answers have involved getting rid of the food and having cheese. Do you think that actually you just like cheese. I know I like cheese, Yeah, yeah,

and cheese can improve most things. But then then I just think, why not just go full Charlotte Church and have a plate of cheese. Yeah I didn't know this about her. Yeah, she when she was a kid. Her special family meal was putting grated cheese on a plate and putting it under the grill. That's great, chess on a plate. And then James ruined the interview. No, I don't tell breath this is the worst parson to tell. Tell me. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't ruin it. It

It went well started. He's saying he was imagining Charlotte Church under a waterfall. No, listen, I didn't say to her, I'm imagining you under a waterfall. What did you say? The genie Charlotte Church said she wanted water from a waterfall. And she said, I want to go to a waterfall with a cup and get the water. And you said, I'd like to imagine you're under that. I said, are you going to stand next to the waterfall and put and put the cup under? Or do you stand under

it and gather it in the cup? And I wasn't thinking as soon as I said that, both her own head were like, what a dirty grubby a little boy. I was like, no, I was just thinking that I would like to stand under it and go and get catch it all in the cup. I wasn't thinking about and listeners won't be able to see this sea one? Or do you want to be under the waterfall? Like? I didn't do that? Better, I didn't do it, And then you you thought you'd make it less less perverted

by gameing. No, no, no, I want to be under the waterfall as well. No no, I didn't say that to her. It wasn't maybe in under with her? Who was it the genie? The genie your character? Yeagain? No no no, I was sayings of bread, I'll touch you, not not s. I was saying that if I was getting water from a waterfall with my own on my own, I wouldn't want to stand under the waterfall. I'll do it Waiting for Charlotte Chess Turner in a tiny bikini.

How easy life is if you can just write in your own little pervy bits at the end of make everyone like a grubster. I'm a good boy kind of believe. What is the meal that stayed with you the longest after eating it? Let me make up there what you will, I've got one. Yeah, Nashville, Tennessee. It was a big change in my diet. I was there for a week filming something and it stayed with me physically the longest. All of the Southern food blocked me up. Didn't go

for a full toilet for the full week. I think it was nerves as well, because we were shooting a pilot for something and I was nervous, and all the food was quite heavy and stodgy. And then we finished shooting the pilot and we were all going to go out for a drink after us. I went back to the hotel and my whole body relaxed, and I went for my first poo in a week. I was like, oh, thank God for that, and then I went back into my hotel room. About five minutes later, I went, I

think I need to go to the toilet again. Went for another full, full poo went back into the hotel room. I was like, well, at least that's over. And then my body went, you need to go again. And that happened seven times in a row. Wow, the whole week's the whole week's worth, seven days worth and seven peas. Yes, that's a lovely story, but that's a long time for a meal to stay with you. And it happened to

me in Japan as well. Know what happened in Japan, Well, not a lot happened in Japan when it came to toilet time. That annoyed me because the toilets are so good. Yeah, but the ways when did it all come out? It was like seven or eight days, I think, and then there's not a jet of water wrong enough to clean that. Sorry about that, everyone, what's your answer to this more wholesome answer? But I was I think thirteen. I think

I was thirteen. In another story I've told, we went to went abroad for the first time as a family, to France, and there was a posh man in the village where we lived anyway, and he was like, we got a chalet in the Alps, you can stay there. So that was a really big deal for us. Folksite about it. You were thirteen and a man said to

come and stay in my chalet. No, No, I was thirteen, but I had a family and before we left for the holiday, a man in the village that we lived in just outside of Kettering, which we've moved to recently at this point in my life from where from Ketterin to Kettering a posh man. So if you go into France on holiday, stay at my chalet for a weekend beforehand a big deal for us. Went there and he said,

go to this place for Dinner's phone nice. And we went there and it was a really tiny, tiny run by this couple who had a big dog called Snoopy who had massive dreadlocks. This dog was walk just walking around. These stories are very on brand for us. Yeah. Yeah, there was us family, fine from England, an Italian family and a French couple in there and that was it. And it worked that they just kept on bringing out

courses and they were very like basic rustic courses. But this couple who around the place is kept on bringing stuff out. One of the courses I remember was like just a hot plate and you cooked your own meat on it. Dessert was just like a whole tub of Neapolitan ice cream with a scoop and there you go, just fill your boots, which obviously, as a thirteen year old, I was like in absolute heath and couldn't believe that. It doesn't sound like they cooked any of this meal. Yeah,

I don't think they really bothered with it. But it was so great. We loved how full we were afterwards. We've never like had so many courses before, and we talked we still talk about it now as a family and how great the meal was. I mean at one point they did ask each table to like sing a song from their country, and they asked us to sing Long Long Way to Tipperary. So we sang. We sang

that as a family to everyone else. Particularly memorable when you came back from that meal and family, postman, how you go to do your bed? What's your problem? By I'll tell you a wholesome story about my childhood, and you put an old man under my bed at the end. How were your ships? How were your ships after the meal? Yeah?

Good question, thank they were lovely. I think I think were they're making you sing a song from your I around Christmas was at a very nice place on holiday, and it was very nice and we were having breakfast and then there was this and I'd particularly gone to breakfast because there was going to be like a gospel quiet there and you know, I loved my gospel and

they were singing and it was great. And then they suddenly stopped and said, one by one, we're going to go around the table and everyone's going to do a little bit. And it took ages for this time. I was so stressed that the meal was ruined. So it was like probably half an hour before it finally got to me, and all I had to say was like, rings, you know what I mean. It was like the Twelve Days of Chris or whatever. But I was just like, well, you've ruined this meal now because I've got a fucking

do of turn. So was this recently, Brett? When was this? And a couple of years ago was has Ted Lasso? I started, Yeah, so it could, But wouldn't people have been more excited if you've just gone, oh, fuck off, yeah you can do that. Now. You can't do that

to a gospel client, ok, can you? Yeah? It's also no Ted Lasso, So say, first boy, if they gets to you go, do you know ted Lasso, where they go yes, you go, well fuck off, and then they'll be like oh brilliant, Yeah, they go praise Jesus, yeah, joy Kent what But well, if I go do you know ted Lasso, they go no, and then they go oh, rings, exactly great. The earthquake in Turkey and Syria is devastating

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and please at ask the bill payer's permission. For full terms and conditions, visit comic Relief dot com forward slash podcast match up. What is the meal that made you feel better about the world? Are you? This is a tricky one, isn't it, Because although I'd say most meals make me feel pretty good about the world, if it's really nice, if you have a really good meal, you think, oh boy, everything's all right, really, isn't it. Yeah, So, in the way you're just asked me, what was the

best meal I've had? Okay, it's the best mealie mead. I don't know, because it's a very difficult question because obviously, when you think about feeling better about the world, it's like they just remind you of the stuff that's wrong with the world. And a lot of what's wrong with the world is just like an even distribution of wealth and poverty. So then you think feeling better about the world because I ate a meal. It's pretty awful. So actually,

I think this is impossible. Oh zanga, yeah, lasagna. I mean what I lovely posit to take on that question the genie thank you, Which is your favorite ingredient in a meal? Salt? Lovely answer, very good answer. It's got to be salt. Well, imagine a meal without salt. I can't lucky times with about salt. It's not they do have salt in No, I'm sure the most important thing in my kitchen, most important ingredient. If we are calling

it an ingredient, I think we should. I've got a big pot of salt, a big pot of flaky salt, and anything I'm cooking. It has its place on the shelves with all the other condiments and seasonings, but it's barely on there because it just sits on the work surface because I'm just pinching salt into stuff all the time. It's so important. So salt, salt and fat are two of the most important things in cooking. And hate and well, I could have salt and fat. I'm not bothered about

acid and heat necessarily. I don't really understand what's yours. I'd probably say at the minute, probably ginger. At the minute. I absolutely love what I could really really taste the ginger in the meal. Yeah. Had a really adorable moment recently where my parents visited and we went to a cafe near me and they never had ginger shots before. My parents. They saw them on the menu and they said, what did that? I was like, you'll love them, ordered

us some. They did love them. At the end, my dad said to another grown man who ran the cafe as he was paying, my dad went, those ginger shots were nice and those guy. The guy was like, oh good, and my dad went, I love ginger to him, and the other guy went, I love it too. Three things that you can't cook about ginger, chilly, garlic. And the guy went hard agree, I absolutely agree with all that

I love. I love all three of those. And then they talked back and forth about how much they loved ginger, chili, and garlic, and it was so cute and adorable and they really bonded. They agreed on all three of them. Should they start a podcasts of Menu plus thirty or something they could be in. They had a podcast called Ginger Chili Garlic. Yeah. I think they could talk. They

wouldn't eat guests. I think every week the two of them going back and forth and going, I love Ginger, I love ginger too, Ginger Chili and garlic, Oh yes please. At one point I think they got onto Harissa, I think, and my dad said, pressa's great, put it in your dinner. Sort it. And the guy was like, yes, I love it. And they did the little mime as well to put it in his dinner. Does your dad cook? Not really

the whole conversation, yeah, yeah, it was absolute bullshit. But yeah, he'll add Harrissa to a meal that my mom's already cooked, right, I see, I see, yeah, yeah, dog's just coming in. They taste, there's a dog come in this dog loves comic relief. Don't you toast loves comic relief. Don't your toast any any words for the listeners? Taste no silent as ever, no words? Well, fuck it over. It's half on me, half on banito. What meal inspired you to

do something? I ped? No, the format's fallen apart, is all I was going to say, yes, I think it's got it's held pretty strong. Yeah, it's done all right. We've managed to wrestle quite a few things out of seemingly nothing. But I'd say this one, this one slightly worked better than The Resurrection, if I may. Yeah, this is for me. This is this is the one that's worked the best format wise until we get to what

meal inspired you to do something? But then again, I felt the same with the question what film inspired you to do something? Yeah? So maybe I'm just not a very I've never been inspired to do anything. No, No, I didn't understand that question when I was like, I'm always the first person to get asked the questions as well, so you've not even rotested them with people. Yeah, and I get asked, what film inspired you to do something? I'm like, Brett, help me out. What do people normally say?

I don't know, you're the first one. Have you seen Ted Last eight? We'll fuck off? Yeah, rings, Okay, your answer is nothing ever inspired either of you do anything. The most inspiring thing this is my whole family found it inspirational at a meal was when my parents went out for a meal and they came home and they couldn't believe. On one of their plates one of the courses, there was a big lump of carrot that had been

sculptured into the shape of a swan. So they bought that home with them to show us, show us it, and we all thought it was it. We all thought it was incredible that someone had been able to do that. So we didn't then go on and do it ourselves, but we found it inspiring. Did just to know that that kind of thing existed in the world and people were sculpting carrots into swans. I've been inspired to try and cook the thing at home that'll do. I'll take it.

Cheese on a plate, Cheese on a plate. I'm inspired to do that. Regularly our podcast inspires James to go and cook things. Sure, Quite often he'll listen to someone saying describing a recipe or something that they've cooked in or go, I'm going to do that tonight. Yeah, And I don't know of it, And sometimes it goes well as some as it doesn't, but I'm always glad I gave it a go. So you know, Simon Amstill's auber Jean dish, whatever it pasta tried that comes to mind,

You hated that. Yeah, it was horrible. It's pretty bad. There's anything on his making that sounded nice as well. We have reached the end and now I can't decide whether to send you to heaven or hell. One last thing. You couldn't give me one food that is meaningful in the hope I will spare you from the pits of old hell. You bastards. Which food? Can it be a drink? Bret Okay. I know you're an emotional guy. You love sentiment. You're going to love this proposed to my wife in Japan.

That night we went to a robot show. I think with Brett, you have to clarify that's not a sex thing. It's not a sex thing. Robot robots going just loads of robots and it's like a big dance thing. It's very tacky. It's a lot of fun, and they're not they're not fucking No one's fucking anyone. They brought a little bottle of champagne to celebrate us getting engaged, and I kept I kept the bottle, So that's that's what

I'd say. You're gonna give it to me, Yes, you can have the bottle as a memory of my love. Seems like someone wants to go to heaven? What about you, Genie Jesus. Watching Brett listen to that story, I felt like I was watching a robot show trying to bust up some sort of emotion and feeling. Normally, Brett is quite emotional, but it's because I prefaced it. You know why. You know why? It's because my alarm's going off in

the background. What the fuck is that? So I was like, oh, he's telling a beautiful story here, and I've got to turn it off. And Brett has an alarm for when he's supposed to be emotional. Yeah, emotion, Now what's your what's your answer? I think if it's heaven and Hell, I've got a really draw on my cushion upbringing here to know what the right answer will be for something meaningful food wise, So I would go full kind of

like what would Jesus say? And he would say, like a single mustard seed, That's what he would say, single mustard seed for a farm that you can grow bountiful. I don't really like mustard seed. A seed then a single seed? Yeah, but you picked mustard and I don't like mustard. Well, sadly, I'm going to have to separate you. I've weighed up the evidence and based on bloody Mustard and your perverted ways, Genie, you aren't going to hell,

head Brambles. Your kindness and complicated marriage has made me sympathetic to your unique place, and you shall also be going to hell because I think the DD won't cope without you. I'm don't king you're going to heaven. Yes, come on, I don't know. We'll think about it. Perhaps I don't kill you both again, and we'll see what happens in the future. Good day, Thanks Bratt, Thank you for coming. So that was men used to be buried with judgment day. Oh didn't we have a laugh? Didn't we?

Did we? I hope? So give all your money to Comic Relief, all of it. Don't spare a penny. Thank you very much for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. It's a lovely thing that we get to do this stuff, and I appreciate you kind and believe loads of love. Donate lots love you, Thank you, see you soon, and remember in the meantime, please, now more than ever, be excellent to each other. The st