Mark Simmons (Quip Off The Mark / Fringe / Mock The Week) • #336

Look, you show me films to be bettered with. Hello, and welcome to films to be buried with. My name is Brett Goldstein. I'm a comedian and actor, a writer, director, a lava lamp, and I love films. As Zady Smith once said, you can't learn anything without making a mess first, which is why Greece two is a much better film than Greece one. Mistakes were made than they were completely and utterly and totally rectified. Every week, and by a

So that is it for now.

I very much hope you enjoy episode three hundred and thirty six of Films to be Buried With. Hello, I'd welcome to Films to be Buried With. It is I Brett Goldstein, and I'm in today by an actor, a writer, a podcaster and the Weaker, a one liner, a pun merchant, a special, a star of youtubeer, star of TV, a star of the BBC and a star of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and star of the London comedy scene.

Please will you welcome to the show. I can't believe he's here.

He really is. It's the brilliant here he is. It's Mark Simmons. Wow, thank you, thank you very much. I was wondering what you're I'm a big fan of this podcast.

Oh thanks mate.

And I'm impressed how many things you could think of fed because I couldn't come up that many.

I think actors generous, but I appreciate it. You had your own BBC show.

I had no I had some things I've made myself independently.

Are you going to retract it? Now? Rest, let's start again. Let's going on.

Actually, this probably my most proud achievement is acting related. It's a bit of a brag early on, but I think it's a brag. I don't know if it's a brag. You tell me if you think this is a brag. But my friend and I used to make these improvised mockumentary things, and that friend then went back to the US and he's now studies at NYU and one of his tutors is or like a specialist tutor with Spike Lee.

Wow.

And he showed he had to show Spike Lee some of his work and some of which was me playing these really mad characters. And he told me that Spike Lee said about me, and I quote, where do you find this motherfucker?

That's fucking huge? Why aren't you in the next Spike Lee film? Well? I put it out there now, mate, this is it. He listens to this, right, Yeah, he's a huge band, The Patriot. I mean it might not be positive. Where do you find this motherfucker? Yeah? I love that.

I want to see these. I said it to you, Mark Series. It's so nice to you. I ain't seen you in fucking ages. We know each other from comedy. When did we?

When did?

I haven't seen you in like years, I think for the last time I saw you. We were gigging in a cave in Macfest. That was mad, wasn't it.

Oh? When we did Now I understand what you mean. We really did.

We did a gig literally in a like a cave tour. People are doing a tour underground in a cave, and we had to hide in various spots.

Of the cave and we were just left there on our own till they found us.

It was so scary in the pitch black.

We had to find like a sort of hiding place, and then when they their torches came on us, we had to like come to life and do a stand up set.

You know, I forgot that because you me and loose handers. I think, yes, that was mad. Yeah.

We had to get a boat to get into the caves, didn't we Yes.

And it was like we were like madame two swords, like wax figures, hiding in the caves and then we like suddenly are talking about porn.

It's so small because there was a festival going on and they could have just come to watch us in a nice comfy venue, could have.

Come to the shows, but they decided to go splunking instead.

Is that what that is?

I think so, but I take it. Yeah, Wow, that is such a great memory. Word down Mark, I'd forgotten that mental as comics, you do end up doing some mad gigs, don't you, Yeah, because that what's the matterest. I mean, I've done gigs to nudists, so I didn't where everyone was naked.

Including Sydney. No, no, not me.

But I did get one of those apron things, you know, but got the naked man on the front. Yes, so I wore that and that they appreciated that. Where was that killburn pub No? Yeah, Ben Vanderveld ran it.

Oh yeah, was he naked? No?

None of the comics were naked. I feel like you lose as a comic. You need a little bit of status and kind of power. And I feel like if there's a staring that your thing.

The thing is mark. I've said this, and it's a fact. If you wear shorts as a comedian, you doomed. Yeah you have you have your legs have.

To be covered.

I think arms as well. I do much better if I've got my arms covered than short sleeves.

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. I wear a T shirt? Do you have your guns out? I can't do that. That's all they're thinking about.

Fuck it, Yeah you're naked, But if everyone else is naked and you're wearing clothes, then that feels disrespectful. I don't know, but yeah, you're fuck there's no chance you're making him laugh. You don't, And if they are laughing, it's you don't want that. When you're naked. So the one time you don't want people laughing is when you're naked. But if I need to, I'll do it for the love.

But you know, they say the thing that like, if you're nervous about going on stage, you should imagine the audience naked. In reality, it doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse.

Was it a good gig? Like I think? I think it was all right.

The weirdest thing about it is like after the gig, you know, when you get sometimes get all these cup to you say you're well done, nice.

Set, they just come out to you and they're just all naked.

Like Actually, I tell you, the weirdest thing about the whole gig was it sounds horrible, but it's the smell of.

The room because.

If you think when you have closed on it's protecting you in that sweaty of iron man soaking some of that up. But it was pungent. No, yeah, I can still still still smell it. I can if I think about it. They must have got undressed in the room because I wasn't. There was a guy on the door to stop just anyone walking in and everyone everyone's watching you. Everyone's not secretly looking around at everyone else.

They're all used to it. I don't get it.

If anything, I'm the one that was looking at everything else. It's quite a lot to take here. What I did notice that, You know how you have habits on stage.

You don't realize.

I at the time I had a habit of sort of after a joke, looking down to my right hand side, and every time I did, I clocked a man's penis. But I did it so often it looked like I.

Was, Yeah, fascinated by that. Obviously more questions.

So then afterwards they were like, yeah, I really enjoyed the gig, and you're just staring at their eyes. Yeah, I'm trying to ignore the smell. Yeah, you get used to smell after a while.

Fascinating, but yeah, but after that I did Actually, after that, I kept getting emails asking if I do naked weddings.

But I had to be naked, that was the that was the issue, and I thought, I just can't do that.

So you turned down the proposal. Yeah, yeah, would you do it? And theyke your wedding?

Yeah no, because I think think, I.

Guess I've never thought about it. I guess I don't really understand nudes because if you're not, if you're not aroused by it, what's it for? Do you know what I mean?

Like? Or isn't it killing? So I don't know if it's like wonder if that happens. Yeah, but then this is why I don't get if it's inappropriate, then what happens when you are meant to you know what I mean? Yeah?

Like we have clothes to differentiate between what is when is an appropriate time and not to have an erection?

Maybe they put clothes onto sex.

Fucking right, they do. That's the mating ritual, I think. So they cover up the legs, to cover up the arms. Here we go, all something's happening, fascinating, So you prom since we were hiding in a cave from Luce Anders, you've got your first specially it's not your first pession.

That I watched, That doesn't it? Oh? Yeah, did you see it? Then? I did watch it. It's very very, very funny. Where did you? Where is that? And that's at the Forge, you know, the New Brighton venue.

Stephen Grant's got oh cool, really nice man, it's fucking great.

It's so funny. Oh thank you.

So many jokes too, many jokes, too many jokes, so many jokes.

It's stressful because I got right the next one now, Mark Simmons, if anyone is listening, like in American May is brilliant comedian.

Mostly what do you say? One liners?

Mostly yeah, one line is a little set pieces. When I'm doing a full length.

Show, I find I think, I find it stressful because I think of how much work you have had to do, and I know with me, I go like, yeah, I got one idea. I can string that out for ten minutes. You've got one idea and it's gone in ten seconds. I'm like, fuck, yeah, what a nightmare.

When I'm writing, I am so jealous of acts like you, where you can just get an idea and run with it and get every little ounce of comedy out of an idea. But I feel like for me, once you've got that set that works and the jokes are good for me, it's nothing better for just being able to go bang bang bang bang. But it does take a while to get to that point. You have to write a lot of jokes. That's where my podcast idea came from.

And your warm up, you're trying stuff is just reading out one hundred jokes, taking what works.

Yeah.

Yeah, I tried to reduce any performance. I'd have the mic in a stand and I'll just I just want the words to do the work, and then once I know that is solid, I'll add stuff to it, expression, movement, stuff like that.

Is something I thought about you. If I may say this is a compliment, don't panic. Some people with one line of comedians are like I don't you know, because of the sort of very nature of them. They aren't necessarily particularly revealing about the comic themselves. They're not the most personal, you know what I mean. Generally, the jokes are jokes about anything. They don't necessarily tell you who

I'm glad you said that because for me, that was actually the turning point of performing, was when I discovered that I should just be me telling jokes.

Yeah, that's how.

It's like, you're lovely, we like hanging out with you, and you do brilliant jokes. It isn't just here's a wacky guy doing incredible jokes. It's like, here's a really funny guy being himself doing really funny jokes.

Oh, thank you mate, that's nice. Yeah, I think so.

For me, when I write a joke, I want the joke to start in reality, whereas a lot of oneline of comics that there's no really you could say I was talking to a camel.

He had the I don't know. That's obviously not a good joke, but do you know what I mean? He doesn't. There's no rules, But I like it to start in reality.

So each time I start a joke, the audience are like, Okay, he got us with those last couple, but this is definitely true. Yeah, I'll know he got me again, but the next one is definitely true. I mean, that's what I want to kind of keep resetting, so I guess that helps.

It's so hard what you do. And also in your specialized impressed with the different like sections, as in it isn't just one line and one line of one liner.

You've got some prop stuff, you do stuff with the audience, like you break it up into kind of different things to keep it.

It's just so much work.

Man, Well you say that, but it's like this is the best job in the world. It's like, yeah, I did, Like I'm very glad I did kind of twelve years of a proper job, so that I do appreciate that this is a ridiculous job that we get to do and how much fun it is. And like I do work out, but I always feel like I could work a carter because it doesn't feel like real work, do you know what I mean?

I do know what you mean.

But also you're really fun, like you are not all comics of You're like a fun comedian I think, and you come across as fine on stage, and it is like fun being in the audience. It's fun being in a cave with you but.

Fuck, I forgot to tell you something.

Oh ship, No, with your special coming out and everything, do you know what, I actually think this would be good for your special. I actually think it'll get more eyes on it on the upside. But on the down side, you're dead.

Oh what.

I should have pulled it out. I should have brought it out earlier.

Yeah no, I also I should have told you earlier. It's mad that I forgot.

But here we are. You've died. How did you die? Oh? Mate, it's dramatic. It was a Tsuna army. Jesus. No one's on this, no one. Yes, I've got points for that. What happened? Yeah, you get actually twenty points. What happened?

Well, so, I've always, since I was a kid, had to recur in nightmares of tsunamies. That's the thing. That's just I don't know why. It's really weird. So but it turns out it was a premonition. What happened was I I'm not a particularly I'm not particularly a dare death for or anything like that, Like I went jump

But they were bugging me so much about it.

I just went on my own to a secluded beach to sort of have a go because I wanted to. I want to be good at it when I did it around people. Yeah, And I was just waiting for the wave and as it was coming, I was like, oh, this is like a good one, but it was like it is too good and it was huge and it just crushed me.

Oh my god, where was this brightan? No one else was harmed, though, which was really nice. It's just you know, it was really localized tsunami. Yeah. Fuck, I don't hate this for you.

You died sort of drowning in a washing machine type.

I think I was kind of crushed between lots of things, right, rocks and stuff.

Yeah.

It was throwing me around everywhere, and I think I think I probably did drown in the end.

Do you think you had this premonition because you watched Deep Impact when you were little?

No, because that would have been too late.

I was having it before that, right, I think that how were was the deep impact deep backs nineties. I do slightly remember there was a like a kid's you know, like those kids TV shows where just as you get back from school and it's like they're kind of like a serial.

There's like, I don't know, ten episodes or something.

I vaguely remember something about a tidal wave in that, but I have tried to look it up since and I can't find what it was. But I think that's what put the in my head. I feel like that, isn't it if you're going to go? Yeah, I think seeing that wave come up, isn't It's quite an experience to have.

Before you go. I think so.

I think if it's not hurting anyone else, if no one else the time, it's just fine wave.

I love it. I think it's a great way to go. Everyone just happened to leave Brighton for the day. Yeah, they all went up down. Do you worry about death? I used to, but I don't anymore really. So my nan passed away like for about ten years ago now, and we knew she was going, and so she was on her deathbed and we'd sort of take it in turns to sort of be with her constantly. Yeah, and

Are you are you? Are you a spirit man? Did you feel like your nan soul was in the room and moved? But I'm not like that at all.

No, that's not something that I had a preconceived You know, But then I guess my nan just died in front of me. I guess that is a big thing anyway.

Yeah, but I think you're feeling that makes sense, like it definitely felt like something that happened, like a moment.

And what do you think happens after you die? Well again, so I can't. Before I used to think sort of nothing. Really, I was quite satisfied with that's probably the case. But I have had a few spooky experiences in the spooky incident. So my stepdad's parents lived His whole family had lived in this cottage for like five hundred years. It's very old, and my parents, my mom and my stepdad inherited it and there was this time that they want to do work on it, so they had to wait for panning

Now.

I remember putting that bag in the middle of the table and then out of nowhere, the bag just hit the floor, fell off, and I know it was in the middle and it was two hours, it's not like it was just And that freaked me out. So I went up to bed and I forgot something, so I went back downstairs turn the lights on in that room. And as I turned the lights on, that all the light bulbs blue.

It was like that that. I was like, absolutely not, so straight up to bed, barricaded the door. Not that would do anything. So that was weird.

And then I moved out, my parents moved in, and then during lockdown, so I had a breakup. So then I moved back for the second lockdown into my parents' place. And there was this one night, so I had my phone on the charge, you know those you don't like it in be just put it on top of the thing. So I put it on there, went to sleep, and I woke up to the sound of my hoodie hitting the bedroom door. So that woke me up, and when I looked up, the hoodie was over by the door.

Oh God. So then I was like, that's odd. And then I looked for my phone.

I couldn't find my phone, and I know i'd put it on charge, remember it very clearly, looked everywhere, went downstairs.

It was early in the morning.

My mum was going to work, and I said to her, could just come upstairs to have I quit look with me because this is really strange. And she came up, looked everywhere, and the last resort we thought, I would lift a mattress up because it's the only place we haven't looked. And as you lift the mattress up, on the floor, right in the middle of the bed was

Like the only way to get it there.

Would be to go on your hands and knees and push it through all the stuff under the bed and place it there.

So that's weird.

And also later on in the day there's a spare room next door, and later on we went in there and you know, on the back of the door you get like loads of hooks and clothes hanging off the back of it. They all those clothes have been flung across the room.

Oh my god, and we're everywhere.

So that's kind of made me think there's something. What did you do about this, Polta Ghuyst. Does your mum and stepdad still live there? Yeah, they haven't had any trouble at all. It was you they wanted you out. Well, technically I'm not a blood relative, so that could be a thing.

I don't know.

But yeah, so that's that's made me think that there's I'm not saying it's ghosts, but it's something. I think it's something. My brother's a bit of a skeptic and he he's like, so you're saying there's more likely to be that than you sleepwalking and doing it all.

But I've never been known to sleepwalk.

No, I mean, it's definitely a poto gheist. You've just described a post. Yeah, that's definitely.

And they wanted you out of the house.

Yeah, But weirdly, I'm not scared of it at all. I actually I kind of like the idea that it is something, do you know what I mean?

I do so what do you think will happened to you when you're doing this tsunami? You think you'll go around moving people's shit around?

Get my own back? Just to my brother, Yeah, are you sleepwalking? In sleep walk? So I I honestly don't know. I don't know.

I don't think it's I know what you're going to tell me in a minute, but I don't think it's like a heaven or anything like that.

Oh, what's something?

Don't be ridiculous, market, there is a heaven and you're going and it's filled with your favorite thing.

What's your favorite thing? Wrestling? Fucking hell?

It's there are matches day and night. There are wrestlers as well. Do you want to be Yeah, yeah, you're wrestling everyone. Everyone introduces themselves by smacking the chair across your back, and you're so strong and you're picking up rowdy.

Roddy Piper and trying him.

Yeah he'll be up there, Yeah, trying Bret the hit man Heart and the undertakers there and you're like, oh, good to see you. He's like, I got nothing to do up here and everyone so all the rest are so excited to see you. I had talked to you about your life through film. The first thing they ask you, what's the first film you remember seeing Mark Simmons.

The first film I saw at the cinema, and I know it definitely is this film is Edwards Hands.

Wow, that's a great first film. Yeah, but it's a great first because it is a great film. Yeah, but at the time it wasn't. So basically it It's brought up all.

The time in our family because it was the first time my mum and her friend took all the kids to the cinema, and even though I was four or five, I think I have a clear memory of afterwards them really laughing because of how bad the film was, because they were not expected.

It just wasn't what they thought it was going to be. It's not a kids film.

Really, no, I don't think, and I'm guessing they saw Edwards Hands.

I thought it's some sort of superhero film, do you know what I mean? A shot.

And I remember him cutting in himself freak me out a bit. I have a clear memory of that. But I didn't rewatch it for a long time after because I just thought it was bad, because everyone just we just knew it as a bad film. And then when I've rewatched it. I really like it now. I watched it actually last year.

Where was this you went? Where were you grown up in Kent in the town called Ashford? As Did we first meet at a gig in Kent?

Was it?

Now?

Says that King's Head we first met? How was it? Open note? I think so? I think so? Do you know?

I once seed that open make note? I did it once and I forgot every single person's name every single time there was It was like like I went mad. Every single person I came went, please go in the days, it was really bad, and he never he never brought me back again.

I've got a real fear about forgetting people's names because I've forgot the names before of people.

That I've known years.

For some reason in my head, when I'm about to do that bit, I just think, wouldn't it be bad if I could remember their name and then it just completely goes blank. So I always write it on the back of my hand. Now yeahfo, you.

Would have had to have small writing for that gig. Yeah, there's too many names.

And I kept going again, come on, I come on and I do a bit, and the bit would then wipe my brain and I'd go fuck.

I've wanted to talk to you about this because I just quickly ask you about this thing please.

So you remember Kurt Driver? Yes? Yes, you and Kurt Yes. Yeah.

His real name is Stuart Foreman and he's sort of just started comedy again in Australia.

So we talked quite a lot. Why was he called Kurt Driver?

I think he said it was a stage name, and whether if he used to play video games. That was his video game name for some reason, so he just went with that when he started comedy. Yeah, but we quite often talk about this bit that you did. Do you know it's a bit I'm going to ask you about your little Miss Sunshine.

Yeah, do you remember it?

Because I've got feeling we remember it way more than you two.

I don't know what it is.

I feel like it must we must have seen a really good because I have spoken about years ago and you were like, oh, yeah, I think I only did that a few times, but we must have seen one of the times where it really worked and it stuck in our heads.

Do you remember what it was at all? Yeah? I think it because I did it at Richard Sandler's Perfect Movie. That's what I did it.

And then I tried it in the real world and it kept I don't to be honest, I probably wasn't an experienced enough comedian to make it work in rooms where people didn't care about films. Well that was but maybe now I could. But yeah, it was. It was by film of the year. It was picking my family and my family. It was a Little Sunshine and mid Little of Sunshine were really close. And then on Boxing Day there's enough going to do in its pans labor

So good.

It's really so sad, so exciting, and I'm like, we need to talk.

What is it?

You know how a year we've been saying, yeah, you remember that?

Yeah, So it's stuck in my head. I know it's funny, that isn't it. But there's loads of people where in those early days. I think those early days are stand up. I came into it so unprepared, Like so Stuart was a friend of mine and he just confidded me to have a go. I didn't know comedy clubs existed. I knew nothing about because I was so scared of talking in front of people. It wasn't anything I considered doing, and I feel like it was so impressionable everything that

Oh yeah, me too, for sure. There's an open mic person who may have only done three gigs that I did a gig in Hammersmith. My sister and her husband came to watch me. I think they were the only two people in the audience. Maybe there was one other person in the audience plus the acts. And there was a guy who went on the middle who we to this day still quote. We still really he might have done three gigs, but we remember a word for word, every single bit of his five minutes.

That's amazing.

Yeah, love to Cat Driver, who I really thought was called Kurt Driver all this time.

So sorry to break that to you. What a fraud? What is the film that scared you the most? Do you like being scared?

I don't like jump scares at all, zero tolerance, right, not a fan of them.

I don't see that. I just don't understand them.

I don't see the point of them, Like you could enjoy a horror film without those I think, do you know what I mean? No, I like the concept of horror films, like I like the creativity. I like how there's no rules and you can literally come up with something like it follows. Like that's just a really creative concept and it's terrifying if it was something that could happen, which it can't. So that doesn't scare me, do you know what I mean? I just realized, I say, do you know what I mean?

A lot? That's right. I just noticed that.

I've never noticed that before, such a London thing, do you know what I mean? And when I was a kid, I used to get scared a lot, so everything scared, like Ghostbusters, the dogs, Like I was just terrified of certain sort of dogs because of that. And the same thing with like never ending story. You know, that dog in the Cave really really scared me. If you watch it now, it's just like a puppet. It looks so it's like Sesame Street. It's such a weird thing to

I used to have loads of nightmare as well as a kid.

And I'd come down upstairs and my mom was sort of seeing to me, and then I think she went off to make me a drink, and the TV just happened to be on, and I didn't know what the film was, and for the years, I didn't know what the film was.

But there was a scene and I always remember it.

So clearly where there's a washing line and then you see the clown and it scared me so much and I was terrifying the clowns for years after that. And like I've only it was only recently, but where I sort of described it to someone, they go, oh, that's it, and I still haven't watched it. I haven't watched it. I don't even know if it is a scary film.

Why are you such a sensitive boy? Do you think? I don't know.

I don't know. I've got an overactive brain, I think, But I used to. I mean I don't. I don't have nightmares or anything now. But when I was a kid, like awful, like my mum would like, I'd really scarer, I think, because I'd wake up in such a state.

I'd be like, I'm dying. I'm dying.

Like now, I'm like, my poor mom, I feel so bad. Imagine that your kid, cry kid, But yeah, I was an absolute mess. I don't know why. What about crying?

Then? What's the film that made you cry the most?

Not linked to the way I died at all? But the impossible?

Yeah?

But that, but it's not the actual that the tsunami didn't. Isn't what made me cry. I went to watch the film with so I used to work in the gym and I always used to go with my friend who works there, to the Cinny World. We'd both had Senni World cards and we didn't know what the film was about, but we just went to watch it.

And towards the end of the.

Film, I noticed that we were more or less sitting back to back because of how much we were crying.

Gradually the other person couldn't see us. That film. Have you seen it?

I have.

I think it's a great, great film.

Like the emotional, it just comes at you from all angles. Because suppose it depends how you watch the film. But for me, I tend to put myself in the place of the characters. So like, so you put yourself in the place of the mum and you're like, she thinks her husband's dead, the two children are dead, and you put yourself in the son's position, and the mom looks

All like crazy.

And then at the end when they spoiler alert, when they find each other.

I was a sobbing mess.

There's scene and there's a scene that film I think about I Love where you McGregor makes the phone call home and he does it like he's a wreck, and then they haven't got a lot. There's some people are like sharing a fame and then he hangs up and then they make him cool again.

Yeah, because he's been said to it. Yeah, it's very sweet that bit. They're like, you can't leave it like that. Yeah, there's so many points, and like at the end, because there's someone else that the.

Dad was was it a dad's helping but.

There's some basically you discover right at the end that the person that was helping the dad he was also looking for his family and you find out that they'd been killed. And the moment when the kids actually, for me, the biggest, bigest emotional point was when the kids the brothers found each other and they're sort of running towards each other, and I guess I put myself in my position with being my brother and yeah, it's just non stop. And I don't know about you with crying, but like,

I can't. I can't.

I can't knowingly put myself through that. I agree with that what's the film that you love? People think is shit, but you think it's brilliant.

Cloud atless.

Oh mate, great shout, you get another twenty points.

It's one of my favorite films and I don't know anyone that's seen it.

I've seen it, and I love it. Yes, first person I've been hable to talk to about it.

Yeah, huge, huge swings all over the place. I've made people watch it and they haven't got it.

Yeah.

And I feel like it is complicated, and because it's jumping around six time periods and they don't spoon feed, you don't really know what's happening, I feel like people will just naturally resist it and go, this is not just I don't know what's happening in rubbish. But when I first watched it, I was in Canada and there's a girl I used to work with and she told me about this book and she was telling me that the film was coming out soon and it sounded interesting.

This is a terrible centers.

I've got so much feeling from it, like it's a real big emotional payoff, and I guess it's I love the con set of the following the soul across the time zones, which was represented by a birthmark during the film. Yeah, I didn't pick up like I had to read up to understand that, But I don't know if you've got that straight away.

But yeah, I I may have read it before. But I love a film that's taking big swings. It's huge, taking some big.

Swings and what's also complicated is because they've got this great cast. It's the same cast members are playing different characters in each time zone, but it's not the same The soul isn't the same actor, so that that makes it slightly more complicated to get across.

I think that's true, but I love it. What great answer. That's one of the best dancewers with that respect. Yes, on the other hand, what's the film you used to love that you do not like anymore when you've watched it recently, perhaps you have changed.

I feel like this isn't gonna I don't want minus points, but I feel like this is probably up before. But it was a big part of my childhood and I loved it. And that's Police Academy.

It's okay.

And during the lockdown, so I was living with my girlfriend at the time and she was a bit younger than me, so we had these It was really nice.

It sort of got us through the start of the lockdown.

Was we dove his movie nights, and we had another housemate who was her age and we dove his movie nights and each night we choose something. So I'd always chose something that they wouldn't have seen from sort of when I was growing up, and I definitely overregged it. I was like, this is the funniest Honestly, this is the funniest film.

It's so funny.

They made seven of them. It's like I really overregged it. And when I was watching it, I was embarrassed.

That's how like. There are elements of it that are funny.

There's also troubling things there, as well as most of those eighties films, but one of them at one point just went, why are we watching this? No retrospect, I probably shouldn't have made them watch all seven. It gets better, you have to get through the first ribe. And it

Young people don't know what that's like. They don't know they're born. I miss that too. What is the film that means the most to you? Not necessarily the film itself is good, but the experience you had seeing it will always make it meaningful to you. So I'm going for sky Fall with this one. So my stepdad, I've had a stepdad in my life for a long time and he is a brilliant stepdad, but we didn't ever really have interest in common, so like he'd be into gardening,

Casino Royale came out, I took him to see that and we had a nice time, and it started this tradition that every time a James Bond film we'd go and watch that together. And it's something I really love that we do. And with Skyfall, it's such a good film and it's for me. It's definitely the best James Bond film. And afterwards, throughout the film, we kept look at each other like just the nostalgia of it and kind of felt like that should be the last one. So I feel, just feel it was so good you

It's just such a good moment. Nice.

What's the film we most relate to? The film I most relate to is five Hundred Days of Summer. Oh Jesus, oh god, oh, what's what's happening? Mate's sad? I love that film, but his character, it was me. He's me in my early twenties. Yeah, heart on my sleeve just falls head over heels in love. And I had one relationship that was very similar to that vibe where everything she did was we're together, but she never would quite commit to that being a thing.

You watched that film and we're like, that's me those Yeah. So it's such a good film.

I really love the way it's put together, and I feel like, so now when I look back at that relationship, I'm like, yeah, she was twenty one, of course, yeah you know what I mean, Like in retrospect, like that's mad, but I was so kind of head over heels. It's a really interesting film because it's it's really like I spoke to someone about it and they took a complete

In you the sequence in it, expectation versus reality is that is That is one of my favorite scenes in the film. Yeah, it's a really impressive and really depressing sequence but so much Yeah, and I think, yeah, i'd have to watch it again. But my memory is she she makes it clear, but she also doesn't.

Yeah, she makes it clear, but she carries on like, yeah, and she knows that he doesn't think the same as her.

But then he doesn't say it's all about communication in.

It, Yeah, and it's but it's also about his journey of that was everything that's the most important thing to him, but then he finds other things to love in his life, and that's kind of a journey he takes. Yeah, like he saw, like he gets some focus on his career and he just finds other things to focus on, yeah than just and then when he's doing that, he actually finds someone who likes him back, and it's yeah, happy

Yeah.

I just think it's excellent. I just like it's just I don't really think there's anything another film like it.

You know what I don't like about that film that I remember for him person is at the beginning it says, doesn't it say on the screen this is not about you? And it has a name, and then brackets it says bitch. Yeah, And I always thought that's the.

Way it nice. That is very nice. It is about the writer, It is about something that. Yeah, it isn't very nice, is it? That's not very nice? What if the sexiest film you've ever seen? Mark Simmon.

I probably wouldn't think it's the sexiest now, but the moment I first saw it, it was the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

And it's a film called Chasers with Erica Elenia. Yeah, so then it's.

Yeah, so she was so she was my favorite in Baywatch and I would have been really young, but in my teens I guess early teens.

But I turned the TV on one night in my room and this film was on. I was like, oh, it's her.

I quite like her, and the whole film she's trying so basically she's being transported. She's in prison being transported to another prison by two guys, and the whole film she's trying to produce them. It's very sexy and then yeah, exactly, mate, I didn't I didn't know sex scenes existed before this film.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I could not believe what I was saying. Yeah, is that the pinnacle of cinema for that that exact moment for that fourteen year old boy, probably younger. Yeah, is that not a good answer for It's a wonderful answer, and it's exactly the right answer. And I am sick of people coming on this podcast and pretending that it's brief encounter or something. Yeah, I'm

Rules of this podcast. That is the correct answer.

There is, however, a subpargree troubling Boner is worrying wide ones a film you found a rousing that you weren't sure you should.

Okay, this is this is a bit weird. I think great, so so uh.

When I was younger, very young, primary school age, there's a film called ThunderCats. The movie and it's it's not she Tara, I wish it was Sitara.

So there's a scene. This is so weird there's a scene where.

It's being chased and Mumra is the bad person, but it's not being chased by Momra, but it's being chased by this mummy thing. And there's a there's a bit where he's trying to get away and the bandages sort of grab him and then it sort of holds him down. Something about that did it for me. I don't know what it was, mummy, but I was so but I was so young, so but I do remember that's something something about that moment, you.

Like a mummy holding you down.

Yeah, I think it was more me being the person being held down. Yeah, I don't know, but I don't even think I was old enough to be aroused. But I definitely remember thinking.

Mark Simmons, I'm giving you more points to this because you have fully fully understood the remit. I'm giving you fifty points for your sexual answers. So, what is objectively the greatest film of all time?

Yeah, this is a horrible question, isn't it. Good Will Hunting is the best film.

For all time? Okay?

Is that is that?

Does that come up a lot? No, not in this category, but it comes up a lot. People talk about this film a lot, but it hasn't been object so great. No, that's okay. You put it in a different category. I think that's a lovely answer. I think it's flawless.

Yeah, yeah, don't. I haven't thought about it in that category. But you're like, yeah, there it is. It's stayed with all of us. We all think about it. It's now, however, many years old, didn't all of us remember it perfectly? You may be right? What do people normally bring that up? The category? Honest? This a lot, but I don't people always say the Godfather, don't they? No?

No?

Sorry, what does goodwill hunting come up?

Oh?

Maybe cried or related to you? So you know some people are math tenius. Yeah, I mean I actually my real answer you take so I is you real answer the Godfather? No?

Though my real answers party kids. No, you won't accept it. I've heard you pooh pooh the Karty Kid on there before, and I also go to have it.

Okay you can. What is the film you could or have watched the most over and over again, best of the best. Okay, do you know it? The Martial Arts film? Yeah?

Yeah, I love this film. Yeah, I'm like I was as a kid I was obsessed with this film. Is this John pil Bandett, No, who is No. You got your Eric Roberts, You've got your Philip ree Lovely, You've got your Sally Kirkland, I've got your Christopher Penn mm hmm. And you've got your James L.

Jones. But who is the best of the best. They all are. That's the beauty of it.

So it's a martial arts team and they're training to fight in a tournament against the Korean team.

Mm hmm.

And the reason I love it I think when I was a kid, so I grew up doing martial arts. My dad teaches it so and we do taekwondo, and in the eighties every film was karate, and I just loved that this was actually taekwondo what they were doing. So all the fighting and everything is in the start of Takwando. Actually say karate in the film, which is really annoying because it isn't but they said that. I think they say that because that karate at that time

So what happens. So what happens is throughout the.

Film, you you find out that the guy who's the main fighter in the other team, he kills the brother of the main fighter in an earlier tournament years before. So that character is going through the turmoil of fighting this guy in the training and can he do it?

Yeah, so in a way, he's the best of the best. Yeah.

When I was a kid, we watched this so much. My brother and I would recite it back and forward to each other. So when he was at UNI, i'd message him one of the lines and he messages back, and we just go back and forward.

And through the whole film. It was a bit obsessive, really, Yeah, what's one of the lines? I mean, a team is not a team.

Unless you give a damn about one another, we expect you to function as a team.

As James L. Jones very good. I love it. You heard of him? Yeah, yeah, I heard of him.

What's the worst for we've ever seen? The worst film I ever see was Expendables three. It's the only film I've ever actually walked out of a film. I don't agree, I don't do that. But I saw it in Edinburgh in twenty fourteen at the Festival, and I was my first solo show and I was so I was having a bad time out there. It was no one was coming to the show. I had a bad room. Everything was sort of going wrong with it, as you know, as can happen in Edinburgh. So I went there just

Like the first one. I kind of liked the first one a bit.

Because I'm a big fan of those action films back then, and just seeing all those actors together was fun.

Yeah, but you don't need to do it again and again They've done more, They've done Expondables yeah, yeah, I haven't seen it, but I think I was also probably a bit annoyed that there were more people in there watching that than my show.

That's tough.

I really get that, But I guess we feel it is a lot of like it depends how you're feeling, doesn't it with a film in all sorts of ways. If you're feeling sad at the time, or there's lots of things going on, you're probably more likely to quiet films. So I wasn't in a good place when I watched it, but I doubt if I really watched it, I change my mind.

You don't really get any better. What is what you're in? Comedy? You're very funny. What's the film that made you laugh the most? Or is it please Academy?

It's not pleae Academy Actually interestingly talking about like the environment and things. I feel like we've actually laughing out loud at a film. I think that's hard. I think that's really hard to achieve. And the best environment I've ever been in watching films is I used to work at Sinney World when I was eighteen nineteen, which one in ASHCVID, and they'd quite often do advanced showings like secret showings and everyone after.

Work would go and watch the films. He wouldn't know what's coming.

And that was such a great environment to watch films because it was full of it. There's like it was full with it with everyone from work. Everyone's the same age, everyone's into the same sort of things. And Anchorman came on and I knew nothing about Ankerman, so I had no conceptions hand sing a trailer, didn't know what it was, and it was It blew my mind.

It was like I was discovering gold and I didn't know at this point.

I had no idea who Will Ferrell was, no idea who Steve Carrell was. The gut laughs in that room. It was phenomenal. It's so surreal, so silly, the gag rat. And obviously we don't have sn now over here, so our experiences of watching these films must be so different to the people in America because they're like, well, let's go watch the film that Will Ferrell's in.

We love him. But to discover him in that film for the first time, I'll never forget it. I loved it so much. I like that a lot.

Mark Simmons, you have been such a delight and I'm so grateful that you reminded me about the caves. However, when you were convinced to take up surfing, and you thought, but I want to get good at this, and you hadn't read up that actually to get good at surfing probably takes a lifetime. Who before I just pop away for a weekend goes You didn't go with an instructor, by the way, you were on your own.

You had a board, you bought, you had no idea do it. You'd watch the YouTube.

But when you went out here were bright and everyone was up in London and you were like, you'd read big Waves today and you said, are great. And what you didn't read was big wave, huge waves, tsunami wave. That's where everyone's left brighton for the day. And you're paddling about on the board and you look behind you and you, oh, this one looks like one. And the way it just keeps growing, keeps growing, You're like, oh shit,

I'm with him. I've got a coffin with me, you know what I'm like? I did Mark come with you?

And then one goes no, he was practicing hisself, and I go, oh no, And we go down to the to the waterfront. Everything's fine, everyone's fine, except there's your body wrecked, smashed about and everywhere. You're missing the head anyway, I say, oh, help me with Mark. So we're picking you up. We're putting you in the coffin, but there's bits of you everywhere. Your head has swelled in the in the water stuff, and you have to chop up your head, stuff it in and get all of you

Mister Mark Simmons go.

I'm taking Karate Kid Wonderful because it's my favorite film. I could have answered it for nearly order of the questions. Mister Meaghi is my favorite character in any film. I think he brings everything to the role. He's funny, he'll make you cry. Nominated for an Oscar and I'd really for that role. And i'd really really like to sit down and watch it with him, and he's not longer with us. I'd like to pick his brain about it.

Wow, that's a really lovely answer, Mark, You've been wonderful. Would you like to tell people to look out for you? What should they be watching? Where will they find your special?

Oh? Yeah, see, I'm special on YouTube.

It's called Quip Off the Mark And if you like one liners, I think you'll love it.

If you like one liners, he's got a load of them. Oh and check out my podcast.

It's called Jokes with Mark Simmons, and I chat to comedians about joke So I can't get to work.

It's really good. Mark Simmons, what a delight. Thank you for doing this. I'm glad we managed to fill it in. It's lovely to see you. I hope you have a wonderful death. Good day to you, sir.

Thanks than thank you very thank you.

So that was episode three hundred and thirty six. Head over to the Patreon at patreon dot com. Forward to Aspect Goals team for the extra fifteen minutes of chat, secrets and video with Mark. Go to Apple Podcast. Give us a five star rating, but right about the film that means the most to you and why it's a lovely thing to read. It helps with numbers and it's much appreciated. I hope you're all well. Thank you for listening.

So that is it for now.

Thank you all for listening. I hope you're will, but in the meantime, have a lovely week, and please, now more than ever, be excellent to each other.