Why seeking external validation is a recipe for disaster
Intro:
In today’s world everyone wants to be seen or heard. Everyone wants to have that stamp of approval that their thoughts and actions are socially acceptable and good. But if we think about, it it’s our human nature! Since our childhood we’ve seeked the validation of our parents. We have looked over to them to gauge their response and evaluate whether the thing we had done was right or wrong, “acceptable” or “not acceptable".
Now, before we move forward, let’s fully understand what seeking validation actually means. Well, according to Dr. Karen Hall, validation is the “recognition and acceptance” of someone else’s experience. The important thing to note here is that validation is not about agreeing with someone’s thoughts or actions, but rather it is about accepting those thoughts and actions as valid.
As discussed previously, it is quite normal to need validation in some cases from others, but the problem begins when you constantly require it and cannot rely on yourself to give you that approval over your actions. You can’t judge whether you’ve done something right or not, and you constantly get your actions approved by others and in some cases purposefully do actions with the intention of pleasing others or in the hope of getting their approval. It is not at all healthy to change yourselves and adjust yourselves in the hopes of getting a green light for your actions by others.
You know you have a problem at hand when you can’t trust your own gut about whether your actions were valid or not. But before we discuss how to solve this problem, let’s talk about what are the reasons people start to crave so much validation in the first place.
(Stop seeking validation from others)
(Brad Jay Shetty on 4 reasons we crave external validation)
(Why do some people need constant validation? an expert tells us all)
Main:
Now there are a lot of reasons why people need validation. Some need emotional validation. According to Dr Preeti Kocchar, a counseling psychologist: emotional validation means understanding and once again approving or validating the other person’s feelings. By receiving emotional validation, people feel that they are being seen, or heard, or that there is someone who cares for them. Otherwise, people who don’t receive emotional validation, often times feel isolated due to which they go for other people to receive the same validation, and in some cases can also be very desperate and can lead to dangerous paths.
Other than that Dr Kocchar says that people seek attention for different reasons, ranging all the way from normal and emotional development to even personality disorders.
Another reason for this growing shift in people requiring more validation is the use of social media. If you really think about it, for those who use social media to post stuff very frequently can relate even more, the way we receive likes and views on our posts, how we gain followers on social media, it’s all based on the foundation of validation. A person has validated your content, because of which they will now like your post and follow you. On the flip side, we know that content creators are always looking for more likes and follows, so in a way they naturally start to seek more validation from their audience.
People with private accounts mostly are also conscious of what they post. They want to post something that they feel would be socially acceptable to their followers, or something that will fit in with what everyone else is posting. A very common example is posting yourself on a holiday, you see everyone else doing it so you also want to feel included and thus, jump on the bandwagon. Everyone tries to show their life in the best way possible, but what you’re really doing is asking or seeking validation on a curated version of your life. According to Jay Shetty, when a person is posting on using social media intensively they lose a sense of who they are, and rely on other people to remind them who they are(validation). A scary concept, but it is true!
Well now that we’ve understood some reasons why seeking validation is so prevalent. Let’s now talk about some ways you can use to start reducing your reliance on other’s validation.
The first one is very simple, take a break from or just get off of social media. This is the most simple and effective way to start your journey of validation detox. It makes sense, when you won’t be on social media, you won’t receive any notifications, you won’t see any other people posting the highlights of their lives, making it seem glamorous. Your anxiety and stress will come down, as you won’t have to deal with any comments, likes, the pressure to post a picture, and there will be no more comparisons.
The next tip I would like to give you guys is easier said than done, but it is to make a conscious effort to not ask validation from others. Try to be yourself and try not to actively look for any feedback. Now it’s important to note that we shouldn’t filter out everyone’s opinion, but instead keep a benchmark after which you should just not pay attention to any validation or invalidation you receive.
You also need to be careful and keep a record of your progress. If you don’t keep a track of what progress you’re making, it will make it very easy for you to feel lost and feel like you’re not making any progress.
(Stop seeking validation from others)
(Brad Jay Shetty on 4 reasons we crave external validation)
(Why do some people need constant validation? an expert tells us all)
Outro:
So guys that was all for today’s episode of Self-Care & Hustle, I hope you guys enjoyed the podcast and learned something new. Remember validation is not a bad thing in itself, but it becomes a serious problem when you start to heavily rely on others validation and start doing things to get positive validation or to please others. If you feel like you tend to seek a lot of validation, just relax and try to follow the steps I’ve discussed above. Take baby steps and track your progress, don’t try to overwhelm yourself with all the advice I’ve shared, just pick the one you feel the most doable and start from there.
Before leaving, if you enjoyed this show, don’t forget to leave your feedback and share this podcast with your loved ones. Until the next episode, take care and Goodbye!
Works Cited:
“Stop Seeking Validation from Others.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201907/stop-seeking-validation-others.
Brad. “Jay Shetty on 4 Reasons We Crave External Validation.” Jay Shetty, 3 Jan. 2022, https://jayshetty.me/blog/jay-shetty-on-4-reasons-we-crave-external-validation/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThat%20kind%20of%20validation%20seeking,they%20judge%20us%20more%20favorably.%E2%80%9D.
“Why Do Some People Need Constant Validation? an Expert Tells Us All.” Healthshots, 10 Jan. 2022, https://www.healthshots.com/mind/mental-health/need-for-validation-and-its-effects-on-mental-health/#:~:text=If%20you%20regularly%20seek%20such,your%20internal%20values%20and%20feelings.