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W four WN Radio. Hello and welcome to Fearless Fabulous. You. I am your host, Melanie Young, and thank you for joining me today. My message to women of all ages, especially those fifty five and older like moi, is that you have the right to choose life on your terms, live it healthy and with pleasure, at any age, at any stage. And that's my message. You can follow me on Melanie Fabulous, and of
course here are all my shows on your favorite podcast channel. I think we're on over forty right now, you're listening live on the Women for Women Network. Today we're going to talk about a topic that I think is important for a variety of reasons. It's about a number of things that all kind of boil into one. It's that we don't we as women, we don't need to seek approval for anything. We don't need approval to live our lives on
our terms. We need to just give ourselves permission to do it. We don't need to ask permission from anyone, our spouse, our parents, our kids, period. It's about living life on your terms. And one of the things that I noticed recently as we've been driving from our former home in Tennessee to our new home in New Orleans. I like to eat. I enjoy eating. I come from a family that has always enjoyed food. We're Southern and Jewish, which means Southern food and Jewish food. There's a great
book called matsubl Gumbo. As a matter of fact, it celebrates the beauty of Southern Jewish food, and I work in the industry. I enjoy a good meal. I enjoy it, albeit I am a picky eater. I prefood, food that is fresh, well prepared, and when possibly a locally sourced. I also enjoy sitting down to enjoy a meal and not standing up grabbing a bike or walking or eating in a car or doing anything that frankly gives me indigestion. I like the beauty and the ritual of eating around a
table, having conversation, eating good food. I also like to eat in peace, which is where I'm going with this. I like to eating peace without people looking over at my plate and commenting on either when I'm eating or how much I'm eating, or did you order that? Or why did you order that? Or I wouldn't order that. I really don't like people commenting on what I eat or how I eat. And I confess I have done that, and I confess that I need to do better at not commenting as
well. And there's a lot of reasons for that. And the reason I brought this up is I've observed it a few times, and I think women tend to receive more comments about what they eat and how much they eat than men. I truly believe this. So here are three examples. A friend said looked at me and said, wow, you cleaned your plate, Like,
what a surprise? I ate all my food? Well, I was hungry, right, But then there's people who will say to you, what's wrong, don't you like your food you're not eating or such a picky eater? You eat like a bird again, offering judgment that used to happen to me a lot growing up. Or someone will say, wow, she hoovered that meal down. She really did eat a lot, did you notice how much she ate? Or recently, at a restaurant, I ordered food.
I wasn't very hungry. I ordered the entree. Entrees tend to be bigger than I usually like to eat. I'm more of an appetizer person, So I ate half the food, right. I ate half the food and asked for a takeout container, and the said, oh, I didn't think you'd finish everything. It looked like it would be too much for you. Like worry judging me on like the size of my portions. It's like judging me on the size of my breast or the size of my butt. So maybe
I'm being sensitive, but maybe I'm not. But I've noticed my fellow women's eyes roll. The women eye roll when the men therewith make the comments. For example, recently, at a restaurant, the man looked over at his female spouse and said, well, you really cleaned your plate. And I wanted to say, you're gonna pat her on her head like a good girl, And she said irresponsible. I was hungry, like she didn't need to explain herself. But the comment was so rude, I thought, maybe I'm
being sensitive, But the eye roll was there. We had the mutual eye roll, and that happened with another friend where the spouse commented on how much she was eating and then how to eat the food and maybe she should try it a different way, and there was the eye roll. Mind you, my friend is a food writer and a beautiful cook, so she knew exactly what she was doing. But the point is we don't need to be food police. Well, actually food shaming. I'll get the food police at the
table. Food shaming is when you're commenting on how much someone eats, how little someone eats, what they're eating, Why did you order that, Why are you doing that? Why are you so picky? You're eating too much? You cleaned your plate, man, you hoovered that down. It's like food shaming. Now again, I may be sensitive, but I am sensitive when I see the look on women's faces when the comets come. And frankly, men or other women should never assume or insinuate that women should watch how
much they eat or what they eat. Period. Body shaming is already a problem among women and girls. Why exacerbate the problem by food shaming? And That's where I'm going with this. A lot of people when they were young were food shamed, which resulted in body shaming. Okay, the two go hand in hand, and unfortunately the seeds of both can be planting very young girls and boys. It is an equal opportunity, all sex, all gender, all background situation. And it happened to me personally, which is why
I'm probably more sensitive to it than many. When I was young, there was a distinct hierarchy in the food chain at the dinner table. The men got the larger portions, and they got the prime portions. The men got to have dessert, they got to have the cake a la mode, the pie a la mode. The women were served smaller portions, lesser portions, less quality portions, and we were served jello and fruit cocktail like. We were not given permission or allowed or even offered the ca ala mode or the
pie alo mode. And if we were, we had to decline because it was considered to look piggy and overly voracious. If we ate too much, we were told I was told to leave food on the plate don't clean your plate. I was told to eat smaller portions. I was ingrained, as I said, to eat jello and fruit cocktail and avoid sticky, ouhy, gouey desserts. We spent time exercising. My mother would take me to her fitness salon. There was a fitness salon back then where we would have to
exercise to maintain our girlish figures. It's like we were not allowed or permitted to indulge in food in any way. We always had to eat half portions. And that is where eating disorders begin. And that is why food shaming people as adults is not healthy, because you don't know where that person's background,
where their head is in terms of their relationship with food. And saying something that's an inadvertive comment, even if you think it's pleasant, like oh, I say you want your food and clean your plate, it could trigger
something that is less than healthy in that person's brain. I know for me, when somebody comments about I see you ate your plate or are you're gonna eat all that, I immediately push all the food away and say I don't want it anymore because it brings me back to when I was a little girl and I was told that cleaning your plate was not healthy for you or not good for you. It was not ladylike, it's something that you should think
about. But more importantly, it's considered rude to food chain people at a table. I was having a conversation before the show with a girlfriend who said, yeah, that happened to me once. I was at a restaurant with some people and the other woman at the table looked at me. I ordered a side of pasta and the woman said, you ordered pasta, And my girlfriend said, yeah, I ordered pasta. What's wrong with that? I
like pasta? And she's like, well, no one would I would you order pasta like Pasta's like you know, a germ or something that you put on the plate. Pasta is wonderful, you know, it's part of the Mediterranean's ayet. I have many friends that cook beautiful pasta. It should not be part of the food shaming process. And unfortunately many of us, including
me, have food shamed and didn't know we were even doing it. We just make a comment that comes out kind of stupid, and you know, maybe it's taking Maybe the person's made to feel uncomfortable at the table, and you never want people to feel uncomfortable at the dinner table. The dinner tables should all come together and feel comfortable, enjoy eating and then sharing food and sharing conversation, not feeling shamed about what we're eating or not eating. So
that is something that we should think about when we're with people. Is not making comments about how much they're eating, how little they're eating, what they're eating, what they're not eating, Why aren't they eating? I think you get the drift. No food shaming, no body shaming, no commentary. So if somebody the other one is food policing. Now, the difference between food shaming food policing isn't is this food policing is more like, well you
should be eating organic, or why are you eating junk? Or you know, maybe we should be eating you know, wild cought salmon and not American cotton. And that's a good example because I made a comment once on Facebook about how I was recreating a very old recipe I found in a binder that was part of my grandmother's recipe book, and it was a very special recipe book because it was my grandmother's and I decided to prepare some of the recipes
in it. So one of them was a salmon loaf. So I talked about online finding some salmon and deciding that I would just do the farm salmon that was available at my local publics versus the canned salmon because I personally don't like can salmon. So I did the farm and someone online said, would I would rather dog that eat farm salmon. I would rather eat nothing. If I had to eat farm salmon, you could only eat wild salmon.
Well, that's a combination of food shaming and food policing. Like she was letting me, you know, she was commenting about my food choices, like it was really none of her business. And I said back to her, well, frankly, where I live, that was the best salmon we could get. Because not everybody lives in, you know, cities where you have access to every kind of fish. This woman does. She lives in coastal
city where there's lots of fish. You know, some people don't have access to the quality and diversity of foods others have, and they have to make do with the best they have, whether it's you know, enjoying canned peas versus fresh peas, farm salmon versus canned salmon versus wild salmon, frozen fish versus fresh fish, not necessarily the best parts of a meat, but whatever they can afford. The point is nobody should be shamed or police based on
the choices they make. They can do that themselves. So again, I do admit me a copa in this area because I have rudely and unfairly common on foods my husband enjoys eating, and that's really wrong of me. I don't like the smell of meat. I don't like the smell of charcreaiery and stinky sausages, and he loves to eat them. And I have to learn to zip my lip and shew my words carefully before it's spinning them out because
I want to say the stuff stinks, get it away from me. But really, it's his choice and it's his body, and it's not my place to tell him how to eat or what to eat unless he asks my opinion, and he doesn't. He has a pinchit for peanuts, you know, those dried peanuts that smell bad, pretzels and pringles. I don't want him to eat those because I wanted to be healthy. But it's his business and
not mine. He's an adult. He can make his adult choices, and I'm an adult and I can make my adult choices much of the same way. If I only want to eat salad let us for dinner, don't tell me I must have a protein. I don't have to have a protein meat when I eat. I can just have vegetables and I'll be perfectly happy. Again. The point is, keep your comments to yourself about how and what a person eats. Let people eat and peace, and don't give them a
piece of your mind. Give them a piece of great food and share it and enjoy together, because really you may end up eating your words. So how do you handle comments when people make crazy rude comments at the dinner table? And it's amazing how many crazy rude comments can be made at the dinner table. And it's not just about what you're eating. It could be something about what's going on in the world today. And politics is a big off topic, you know. Try to keep politics off the dinner table, Try
to keep religion off the dinner table. Try to keep personal manners out of the dinner table. Keep it light. So if somebody comments to you on how much you're eating or wow you cleaned your plate, just say, yeah, I have really great appetite, and this is delicious food. I'm so lucky that I can enjoy whatever I want. Some people don't have that privilege. Another way is practice gratitudes. I'm really grateful to have such a delicious
meal in front of me. A lot of people don't have this opportunity. Would you like to share a bite of it? Offer the sharing process. This dish is so good and plentable. Say to the waiter who comments, I'd like to take some home to enjoy it tomorrow. You don't really need that explanation. You could just say kind and have a doggy bag. But that's a nice way to say. I love the food. It was just a little bit more for tonight. I'd like to take it home and enjoy
it tomorrow. Or just ignore the comments and change the topic. You don't need to explain yourself and your eating habits and preferences. You don't need to be apologetic about what you choose. You also should not complain about what food is served to you. I've been on trips where press trips where we've been served in an abundance of food. It's like, you know, we're part of the lucky journalists club. We go on trips, we're served a lot of food. Lucky, yes, so I complain that it's too much food.
You should never complain that you're being served too much food. You should never complain because a lot of people don't have any food to eat at all. If you feel you're being served too much food, then just eat less of it and shut the frickin frick up. Just enjoy the food, don't complain, say thank you. If someone is having a dinner party and they ask you if you have food preferences, do be honest and say I don't eat meat. I eat vegetables, or say I tend to eat more fish
and vegetables than meat. Would you like me to bring something along that line to add to the dinner party. I tend to bring my own. I always tend to offer a dish that I know everyone will enjoy and that I can also eat, because I never want people to alter their menu, alter their entire menu, just because I'm like the odd man out who doesn't eat meat. Recently, a friend cooked a beautiful dinner of smoked slow smoked meat.
Beautiful try tip I think was the meat. It was beautiful. I even gave it a taste I didn't like it, but I did give it a try. I brought my own tuna. I bought it at the store and brought it and cooked it and didn't say anything and just enjoyed it.
That's the easiest way to do it. If you're going to a dinner party and you know the food's going to be at steak, either don't go, or go and be prepared to eat other food, or quietly ask if there's vegetarian options, but don't make a big to do about it, and don't expect the entire menu to change just because you have very specific preferences. It just goes the same with people that are starch averse. There's a lot of people that for some reason think gluten is the Gluten is the enemy, and
you've got the gluten guard, and they make a big deal. I'm not eating gluten, I'm not eating gluten, I'm not eating sugar, I'm not eating dairy. And suddenly the whole tone of the meal changes and the whole dynamics change, and everybody's somewhat on unease because you're so worried about what somebody
can or can I eat. There is an exception to that, if you have a severe food allergy, if you have a peanut allergy, or you're severely allergic to shellfish, make that point clear from the beginning, because that is a health risk to you and it is a risk to the person making
the food. So obviously there are exceptions to every situation, and the big one is if you have a severe food allergy, you should always speak up, and frankly, you should always carry like a little business card or a notepath listing your food analergies and be prepared to present it when you go out or if somebody is hosting a meal, because nobody wants to serve you something
that could potentially kill you. I've read recent articles about this or stories about people that have dined from eating something that was made in the area where peanuts were used. That is really important, and it's also important if you're preparing a meal or hosting a meal to ask your guess if anyone has food allergies which are different from intolerances. So a food allergy where you could be anaphylactic potentially kill you. That's very severe, and you would to make sure that
you ask about that. Then there are people who are simply intolerant. I love dairy, love, love, love it, but I do get gastro intestinal issues if I eat too much dairy. So I'm not intolerant. I have sensitivity. So hear me out. Food allergies severe potentially anaphylactic, could cause lethal reactions. Ask food intolerances. That means someone is does not digest the food. Well, maybe they break out in nives, maybe they get
gastro intestinal issues they can't tolerate that, Maybe they throw up. I know people that actually throw up by eating certain foods. That's a problem you need to ask. In sensitivities. Food sensitivities are food you can eat, but you don't always have the best result afterward, usually because you eat too much of it. I mean, I'll be honest with that. You have a little bit of diry, I'm okay, I've eaten a lot of diiry. Not so good, not so good. But you should always ask and be
discreet about it. You don't need to make a big announcement at the table that so and so has this. You as the person who has a condition, don't need a big announcement. Just keep it on the table, but under the table. If you know what I mean keep it on the table with your hosts in the restaurant, but under the table when you're having dinner. So food shaming, body shaming, these are all things that we need to stop doing because it's not healthy to anyone. And Wani is this important?
Well, I, you know, looked up some statistics on eating disorders from the National Association of Anarexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. A lot of these issues start because someone is made to feel uncomfortable about food, and their relationship with food changes and in not a healthy way. So eating disorders effect as I said, people about ages, races, sizes, ginger identity, sexual
orientation, and background. They While many people think that more women have eating disorders, in fact, hear the stats from a NAD the Association of Anarexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, an estimated nine percent of the US population, or twenty eight point eight million Americans, will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. I have had an eating disorder. My mother had an eating disorder. Is that I mean it's genetic? I don't think so. I think it's
you know, I learned from my mother and grandmother. As I say, said when I was little I was taught I could only eat certain foods. I was taught never to eat chocolate. It was going to make me get at me. I mean, this day, they've ingrained me not to eat too many sweets. Irony is my mother, who hated being fat when she was a little girl and did not want to be around people who were fat.
When she was an adult, battled her weight all her life, and as an elderly woman in her eighties, when I tried to feed it, refused to eat all starch. She was one of the starch squads. She was afraid that starch was going to make her fat, so she wrote she would not eat potatoes, she would not eat rice, she would not eat pasta. She not anat bread unless it was hollow bread. She was very
particular. But she ate a lot of sugar. So I never could understand that, because you could eat a lot of starch and it could convert to sugar, or you could just eat sugar and you got sugar. So I don't understand where her eating disorder came from. But she at the end of her life she only wanted to eat sugar. At that point, I didn't care anymore because I just wanted her to eat because she had an eating disorder.
Back to the reality. That is interesting. Fifteen percent one five of women will suffer from an eating disorder by their forties or fifties, but only twenty seven percent receive any treatment for it. Interesting fifteen percent. That's a fairly large percentage, with anorexia being having the highest mortality case. Anorexia blim you are the two most common forms of eating. One is you know, you don't eat, one is you eat a lot and then you purge.
This is a situation that, as I noted, can develop in your youth as it did with me. My relationship with food started very early on and mimicked what my mother and grandmother did or did not eat. At age six to ten, girls start to worry about their weight, and by age fourteen, sixty to seventy percent of all young girls are trying to lose weight.
Now, that is a large percentage. Again from the same organization I quoted before, found that seventy percent of children and adolescents as young as twelve dislike their bodies, and forty five percent say they are regularly bullied about how they look, which includes their weight. That is the number one reason kids are
tease because they weigh a lot. Now what's sad about that is that girls who were teased about their weight were two times more likely to be overweight, quote unquote, one point five times more likely to binge, eat, and one point five times more likely to use extreme methods of weight control five years
later. Weight control extreme usually means you take laxatives, you fast, you binge, and purge a lot of unhealthy things, and unfortunately this leads to an ongoing uh eating disorder, an unhealthy relationship with food, usually for the rest of your life. It takes a long time to undo the since sometimes you never do. A study sound that eight percent of fifteen year old girl's diet at a severe level, and their risk of developing a permanent eating disorder
is eighteen times greater. About twelve percent of adolescent girls has some form of an eating disorder, and very few seek treatment. And it's not just young girls. As I noticed, my mother was an elderly woman with eating disorders. A lot of women who hit menopause develop eating disorders or eating disorders that they once had as a young girl come back into their lives because they're gaining weight and they don't want to have that menopause weight, and the next thing
you know, they're doing extreme dieting. Extreme dieting could be anything from withdrawal to refusal to eat, to reducing what you eat to unhealthy portions, to unhealthy fasting versus what people say are healthy fasting. I'm not a big faster, so I'm not big on fasting, to binging and purging to only eat in certain types of foods, which makes you have an unbalanced diet versus a balanced diet. It's particularly bad when you get older, because the elderly become
weak. And I saw this happen first hand with my mother, who developed an eating disorder or I think she had an eating disorder all her life, but it recurred and reserved. It's not recurred, but resurged as she got older and became fearful of being fat. Now her definition of fat had also changed after my father died and she who had gained weight while she was caring
for him, she had gained weight, and that tends to happen. I was caring for my mother and probably put on fifteen pounds because you have a lot of stress, you stress eat, you eat with their night eating, you do tend to gain weight many people some lose weight, but there is usually some unhealthy eating pattern. When you're caregiving people, it is a very challenging time and if you are caregiving a loved one, I do encourage you
to talk to people that can help you through it. I don't caregive alone. But like adolescents, which is an awkward stage, growing older and going into menopausis like the opposite end of adolescence. Your body is changing, your hormones are changing, life is changing, and you're trying to get a hold
of yourself, and that's when other eating disorders can appear. Unfortunately, right now, there are a lot of drug commercials, as we all know on television promoting weight loss and osam beck and other types of drugs, and even Oprah Winfrey went on national television to talk about her constant yo yo body, her relationship with food and dieting, which is dog ter Dog is probably not the right word. Dog is a negative term there, but has been a
part of her life for all of her life. She's been very open about her relationship with her weight and her body and food. Applaud her for doing it. I don't necessarily know promoting ozepic was the way I would go, but that's what she did. But you don't need to resort to diet. I mean, you don't need to resort to diet drugs to lose weight.
You need to start with first having a healthy relationship with food. So I'm going to underscore that the reason I started this entire show was that I had experienced and or witnessed situations at the dinner table where people were put made to feel uncomfortable about the size, type, and quantity of foods they were eating.
So that is what this show started with comments about how much you eat, how littlely eat, you ate so much, you didn't need so much, And those are the types of things that plant the seeds to unhealthy relationships with food and experiencing the joy of eating. Eating should be a joy. It's for many, it should be a natural, it's nourishment. For some it's a privilege because they are doing without. But it should never be disparaged.
People should not be shamed about their eating. They should not made to feel uncomfortable. There are unhealthy eating patterns, we all know what they are, and obesity, as much as eating disorders obesity is a result of an eating disorder. The results in somebody becoming overweight in an unhealthy way, and many people do need help managing their obesity. But it all starts with a
healthy relationship or unhealthy relationship with eating and food. So if we can plant the seeds early on with young people, if we can teach ourselves to enjoy food, give ourselves permission to eat food with joy and not feel criticized for what we eat or don't eat, and not criticize others. If we can learn to all enjoy it and mindful not mindful moderation and not on the go. If we can all have access to better foods at more affordable prices,
that would help. Recently drove across the Florida Panhandle and throughout the Mid South with my husband, and access to healthy food was few of barbenteene. The dishes tend to be at the convenience stores, tend to be fat fried, sweet sugar. Be nice to see more fruits and vegetables and other healthy alternatives available, but you know, people buy what is affordable to them, and that's another issue which really doesn't fit into the show. But access to good
food should be a privilege to all and not to few. But what can we all do better in the process to help people have healthy relationships with food and have healthy relationships with each other. Well, I'm going to wrap this up with the following. One. Food should be enjoyed with people or alone. It should be savored. It shouldn't be grab and go, oh quickie, get it over with. It should be your nourishment. It nourishes your body, it nourishes your soul. You should enjoy it. And remember that
many people don't have the privilege of food. They're starving. So if you have access to food, consider yourself lucky. Two. Food should be affordable and plentiful. And I'm hoping that all the things that are wrong in the world will get better for the people who don't have access to good food. And I'd like to see more affordable food at restaurants and the grocery stores.
Food costs are going up and up and up, and that means people are looking for less expensive choices, and it's tough right now for some people on a budget. Food should be appreciated and when possible, prepared at home to create the joy of creating food together. It's a communal activity. When people are at a dinner table, it should be about enjoying the food together and not criticizing someone for eating too little or not enough, or eating one thing
or another. Food policing and shaming should not have a seat at the dinner table. People should be made to beat comfortable at every age of stage about what they eat. And also except that while one person's preference for something may not be yours, it's their choice and not yours. So chew your words carefully when you're at the table. Think about not saying something that may make someone uncomfortable. And I'm selling that to myself as well. Let people enjoy
their food. Don't judge them for how much they eat, how little they eat, how much they spend, how little they spend. Just let people enjoy the pleasure of eating because at the end of the day, you are what you eat. And we all want to be healthy, we want to be happy, and we want to give joy and share food with each other, and that's all we need to do to have piece at the table and peace of mind. So don't give people a piece of your mind about what
they should and should eat. Just enjoy piece of the table and enjoy another piece of that pie, and yes, have it all a mode if you want. Don't let people tell you you can't. You give your self permission to have whatever you want, enjoy it the way you want, and savor every moment. I'm Melanie Young. This is fearless, fabulous you, as I like to say, take the trip, enjoy the sip and eat the cake, Enjoy every minute of it, and save your life to the fullest. Thank you, Ka