In order to make it to this meeting, I left Durango, Colorado, eighteen hours ago and had a six hour drive to the airport, a three hour flight, a forty five minute walk from the terminal to baggage claim, an hour and a half drive from the airport to the hotel. Then I got to the hotel and wasn't allowed to check
in until later, even though I was absolutely tired. I didn't sleep overnight for all of those reasons, But the reason I did it was because working with my producer for this podcast is important, and producing the best podcast we can is important. Having a strong relationship with my producer is important. But that meant I was gonna have to be a little bit uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to be tired for a little bit longer than I wanted
to be. So we think we don't have enough time because there's not enough minutes in the day, but that's actually not true. There are lots of minutes in the day, but we prioritize our own comfort. The easiest thing for me to do today, after a long travel day, literally about eighteen hours from door in Durango to door in New York City, the easiest thing for me to do to keep myself comfortable when I got to my hotel room, take a shower to wash off the travel, and go
to sleep. The hardest thing for me to do is to fight the urge to go to sleep, stay awake, stay focused, stay alert. But I did that because that is more in line with the person that I want to be. So when you're on a healing journey, you have to make more decisions that are in line with the person that you want to be. And understand that's going to come with some sacrifice, that's going to come with some uncomfort, that's going to come with some difficulties,
but it's the good difficulty. It's the kind of difficulty that's in line with who you want to be. There's a difference between hard and hard, you know what I mean. Like it was hard for me to stay awake in extra ninety minutes to make sure I was alert and available during this meeting. But that's a good heart because that's me doing something that I'm proud of, that's meaningful
to me, that's important to me. And I think we have this excuse like, oh, there's just not enough time in the day, but the actual truth is you're just in love with you with being comfortable, and you're not willing to suffer. You're not willing to sacrifice, you're not willing to grind, You're not willing to be uncomfortable, because if you were, then that's how you make something a priority. We think making a priority means we create more time,
but that's not true. Making something a priority is you accept more uncomfort. You can go to the gym and exercise, but if you have a trainer, you're going to go a bit further because they're going to push you further into your uncomfort. They're going to push you beyond your comfort zone. So can you identify your own behaviors and patterns? Of course you can. Can you pay attention to them, of course you can. But who's going to hold you
accountable to change them? And who's going to hold you accountable to do the difficult work associated with changing them. That's literally the whole entire point of psychotherapy is so that you can go further beyond your comfort zone and further into your healing journey while being held accountable, while being supported, while being pushed in a healthy way, to be able to change the kind of patterns that are
causing problems in your life. Up until this point, we have learned a great deal about each one of these family members. Who is Jay. Jay is a strong, strong woman, And I think Jay is such a strong and independent woman because she's had to learn how to live her life without praise, or at least consistent praise, and without support from someone around her. And she's learned how to succeed on her own without those things, which is an
incredibly rare trait. Jay is also someone I think that takes her unbelievable gifts and strengths for granted and kind of expects everyone to function at her level. Jame's one of the most fascinating people that I've ever met, because almost every time we spoke, I learned something fantastically new about Jay that I didn't know in the previous sessions. I learned about degrees she had gotten, roles she had played in the military, some amazing accomplishment she had a
tieved in her life. It blew me away. And I think sometimes Jay expects everybody to function at her level because and not in a mean way, but I just don't I don't always think Jay recognizes her own greatness and how unique it is for her to be so great, and she thinks everyone should function at that level. I think it's important to recognize your own uniqueness and your own gifts and your own traits for a couple of reasons.
Number one, because it allows you to build your own self esteem and your own self like sense of self value. But it also allows you to be more patient and understanding with the people around you because you start recognizing your own uniqueness and not holding people accountable to your level, and will allow everybody around you to be who they are. In a previous session, I asked jaa write down some of the things that she's good at. Here are a few that she shared with me.
I show up for others, A good listener, good at encouraging others, good at helping people with their finances, a good mom, oh, good at taking risk, and good at taking care of my plants.
How do you know you're a good listener.
Because I feel like when I have conversations with people, it's not one sided, like we talk, we listen to each other, and we're both like we're both engaged in the conversation. At least with most people. I feel that way. Most of my well, all my friends, I would say, and that I just I mean, like I feel like when I'm talking to a friend or a family member and we're having a conversation, I don't just wait to speak, like I try to really hear what they're saying.
Do you enjoy that about yourself?
Yeah?
Excellent? Okay? And how do you know that you're good with helping your friends with their finances?
Because people usually ask me for that kind of insight, So I imagine that I'm good at it if they wouldn't be asking if I wasn't if I was bad at it?
What is it about you that lets them know you're the kind of person that they can ask that.
Because it's something that I talk about as a topic that I bring up. And I know a lot of people don't like to talk about money, but I do. I like to talk about it. I like to help people think about budgeting and ways to invest their money and give them ideas, and they seem to be receptive of it self.
Reflection is just the ability to look at yourself and have an honest look at yourself. Are you doing the things you want to be doing? Are you pleased with who you are? And what you're doing. Are you in line with your goals, hopes and dreams and living the kind of life that you'd like to live. Judgment is very different because judgment is when you add value to
those things which leads to a negative place. Like for example, I can look at myself and say, you know what, I didn't eat the things that I should be eating, So tomorrow I'm going to do better. That's just a self reflection. So judgment has a value attached to it, and that value can be positive or negative, but is usually negative. And I'll give you an example. If I am thinking to myself, all right, you know what, I had a long travel day. I ate a lot of
fast food. I ate a lot of greasy, gross food. Not really pleased with that. So tomorrow I got to do better and make sure I get back on the rhythm that I want to be on. That's just a self reflection. The judgment becomes and now I'm really disappointed in myself. I could have and should have done better, and that actually demotivates us. That leads to us actually not growing and feeling good, and it makes it harder
for us to get back on track. So self reflection is simply the analysis of how am I doing and what do I need to change? Judgment attaches a value to it, and that value usually leads towards problems.
I realized after doing some self reflecting, like the way I grew up, I felt like my mom really never paid me any mind. So I don't know if that's like because I'm a third child or the oldest girl. I'm not really sure why she's kind of aloof in that way anyway, but I always felt like, no matter where I was in the world, she really didn't I won't say she didn't care, but she never expressed to me that my presence was important to her. So because of that, there's like this piece of me that likes
to be acknowledged and likes to be you know. So I just like to feel like, Okay, you care that I'm actually here.
Having the ability to visualize and focus on a future that has not yet occurred is everything. I mean, it's so incredibly important. If you can can't see it, you can't be it. I think we all believe in the power of manifestation, and those things happen for people who are really focused on what they want to achieve and what they want to have, and most people don't. Most people are just kind of living life. Most people pay more attention to what they don't want versus what they
do want. So when you see me talking to jay in that way, I'm asking her like, I want you to envision the life that you want, and the more you can envision it, the more likely you are to have it. And that's an incredibly important skilly Where do you want to be? Like if you made an investment and all of a sudden boom, you've got enough money to go out of middle class? Like, where do you want to be?
Oh, I want to be a millionaire by the time forty five, that's my goal. I don't need you need forty two. So I got a lot of work to.
Do, But that's cool. You got a lot of time.
I got like less than three years because I'll be forty three in a few months. But I think it's possible. I think that I don't want to have like ten million. I'm good with like a cool million liquid, two million networth something around here. That's the goal at least, Where.
Is Jayleen gonna live when she's got a million liquid and another million in.
Assets on a farm?
Jaylen. For whatever reason, that is not what I expect you to to say. Where will this farm be?
Maybe Georgia, North Carolina?
What mm hmm.
So Jalen works her butt off and by forty by forty five, she's got a million dollars liqu with a million dollars in assets. You're telling me that you would move to the country and buy a farm.
Yes, absolutely.
Why does that sound so attractive to you? What is it about that that that's appealing?
The idea of simplifying life and not necessarily making not to say that people that live on farms have a simple life, and the sense that is not challenging but simple in the sense that it's quieter, it's slower, it's an ability to be closer to nature. That is what I want. I don't like city life. I haven't liked it for a very long time. I don't I don't like pollution, a lot of people, a lot of cars. I don't like any of that stuff. I much rather look outside and see trees versus people.
My gosh, I don't know why, but that is not what I thought you would say.
What do you think I want? Like a condo?
Well?
Yeah, I mean you know. I know that you grew up in New Jersey, you live in New Jersey. So I thought you'd say, like the upper west side of manhatt you know what I mean. I thought you'd say something Park Avenue, you know, something like that.
No, I want the complete opposite of that.
And when you say farm, I naturally start thinking animals. Do you want animals on your land?
Yes, I don't want not a lot of animals, like I'm not trying to raise cows or anything like that, but chickens maybe something like some among those lines.
M And do you want a relationship in that future?
Yes? Absolutely, And I.
Guess by the time you forty five, the boys will still be young. How pleased would you be to be raising your boys on a farm versus in the city.
I would love that. I would absolutely love that. I would love for them to go in their backyard and grab vegetables for dinner, or you know, to be outside with me when I'm toiling dirt and taking care of animals, like, I would love that. I think kids need that, they need to be close to nature. Yeah, I would love that. I think that would be beautiful.
How much of your hard work that you're doing is to like manifest that in your future. One day.
I would say it's a significant part, but that is something that I absolutely want, but it's us. The farm part is something that I really want. But I also really want to set my children up so that they
are financially stable. I know people talk about generational wealth all the time and it's like the cats phrase, but like, I truly believe in it, and I want them to be able to pursue their dreams without wondering about how they're going to pay back student loans or I got to get this job so that I can afford to pay my bills. I hate that, like I hate that that's the situation for so many people. I want them to be able to pursue, you know, whatever it is
that they want to do. I want them to be able to do it without you know, the restrictions of money kind of limiting them. I don't want them to take jobs because they have bills to pay. I want them to take the job that is going to let them be amazing and to do what they want, you know, whatever their heart is. I so that is the bigger goal. If I can get a farm and do that hashtag winning, I.
Think that that's true. I'm surprised that it's a farm. But if you can have all those things, I imagine you would be feeling like you're winning. Right for sure? What kind of relationship do you want and forgetting who it might be, whether it's you know whatever, like some specific person or not, Like, tell me the kind of relationship you want to live in right on this ridiculous farm of yours.
Yes, I want him to be someone that I respect and that respects me, and someone where we encourage each other and feed into each other on a daily basis. Like I want some one that I show love to be willingly and fully without ever questioning how much love are they going to show me back? Like I want to just be able to pour out to someone that I have no apprehensions about doing that because I know they're going to pour into me and return, So my cup is never going to be empty because no matter
how much I give this person, they're given back. And it's you know, it's that love of reciprocity is there. I would like it to be just a really loving, encouraging relationship where I see the God in him, and he sees the God in me, and we nourish that, and we don't, you know, kind of fall victim to some of the day to day things because we truly see value in one another. And somebody that I can work hand in hand with on this farm, so he gonna have to be alone, rugged gonna have to like
dirt a little bit. Yeah, So I think those are the foundation.
And you said like they would pour into me. What's your favorite way for a romantic partner to pour into you? Like, what does a romantic partner need to do to make you feel really loved and really valued?
Mhm. I think verbal is part of it. The communication is definitely key, but not just I guess, not just the verbal piece, but I do really really enjoy that, but also someone who plans things. I guess that's someone like who really takes the time to show me that he loves me, not just tell me that he loves me, but like, Okay, I love you, And because I love you, I wrote a note in your and left like A
left a loving note in your purse. You know what I'm saying, Like, I took the time out of my day to do something specifically that is showing you that I care. I didn't come home and watch dishes because that feels like the thing you want me to do. But I actually said, you know what, neither one of us are going to watch dishes because I'm bringing dinner. I'm going to go to your favorite restaurant and pick up your food and bring it home because I know you've been home doing X, Y and Z all day.
Just someone who actually likes take the time to plan things for me. I think that's a really beautiful thing.
Thank you for listening. When we return, we will gain more insight from the other family members. You know, I find David to be really incredible as well. I think the first thing I want to say about David, and this is also true for Jay, but David made it out of an incredibly difficult environment to make it out of.
They literally make movies about how difficult the environment David started his life in, and he somehow ended up in one of the top universities in our country playing football at such a high level that he eventually was able to do it professionally. David is an incredibly strong person, and an incredibly focused person, and an incredibly confident person.
But I think the transition out of sports into civilian life, if you will has been difficult for David and robbed him of some of his confidence and some of his motivation. I think David wants more than anything else to be the confident version of himself and to get back to that strength that he had. I also think one of the most amazing things about David is he's an incredibly sensitive man and the relationships in his life really matter. Relationships with his sister, who has since passed on, his
mother who has passed on. Being a good father is important to David, and also being a good partner, and I think he wrestles with how do I get that confidence back and make those people in those relationships in his life proud of him? And like anything else, it's a difficult journey. When we fall into patterns, we get further and further away from the person that we want to be of the person that we used to be, and in order to re establish new patterns, it takes
time and it's difficult. You know, David was committed to the process early on, and I appreciate that about David, and I think it highlights kind of who he is and how focused he can be when he has the right mindset.
Attitude, any emotions. I'm not letting that get in the way of anything, you know. I mean, I still got kids. I still got to be on my son though, but you know, just trying to you know, filter in the energy a little bit different than previous times and stuff. I'm not letting people upset me or things as being said, upset me or change my mood. So, you know, just by doing my things that I need to do on my checklist, it's just you know, it's keeping me going.
Everybody got their own little thing, but it's keeping me going. And the routine. Stop in the morning, listen to my affirmation say, listen to some uh something that's my motivational stuff, positive things, and then once that's done, I put on my music to get the energy, go to the park. So like, I just gotta, like I'm a creature habit, so I just gotta keep my routine and my things that's gonna make me positive and make me a better person.
Like it's not gonna be it's not perfect, but I take the you know, like I like, like they're saying football inches go to yards, yards go to first downs, first downs, and then touchdowns, So I take it just like that. The whole field inches by You know.
What's interesting is I've always thought that football is an amazing metaphor for life, Like if you focus on touchdowns, it becomes way harder to get touchdowns. But football is actually a game of inches, and if you focus on like all incremental steps, it becomes much easier to to accomplish the bigger goal. Yes, absolutely, Okay, absolutely, game suggest the name of the game, right, I think that's absolutely true.
I also think that's the name of the game of life is focus on like the small incremental steps, Like if you focus on the moments, then it's easier to have a good day and a good week, and a good month and so on. If you focus on trying to have a good you know, a good month or a good year, it becomes way too difficult. Yes.
Absolutely, What is your.
Internal voice saying? And do you have to change it? If it is not in line with who you want to be? You have to train your internal voice. You've got to like, I'm not going to listen to my internal voice that's not moving me closer to the way I want to be, and I am going to listen to the internal voice that is like me personally I've begun a pretty significant fitness journey. I want to get
back to being the healthier version of me physically. And every night I go for a run, and while I'm running, I got that internal voice that tells me, you know you can stop now, you've run enough. You know your young lungs are burning. Like that internal voice happens. But you've got to know, I'm not gonna listen to that one because that's the one that is not getting me closer to my goals. But I've got that other internal voice that says, Elliott, keep going. Aren't you proud of yourself?
Imagine one's going to feel like when you're done. Imagine that feeling you're gonna have when you're finished and you know you've accomplished yet another goal. Keep going. And I train myself to listen to that internal voice. And the more you can do that, the more successful you're going to be in life.
Well, I want my mindset that change to remove all doubt. Right, I was walking around with too much doubt. And that's not usually me. People when they speak about me, sometimes they you know, the things that they say, I wasn't seeing it in myself. They got to that point in time like it was like I was a little big. I was being too hard on myself, you know, in a bad way and not a good way. And I feel like now the mindset, no doubt, no doubt, David, you got it, smart, you can do it. You know
what I'm saying. You just got to apply it. And once I apply it and I lock in on something, I'm gonna get it. By lock in on it, I'm definitely gonna because I'm not gonna stop until I get to it. And that's the thing. And I gotta get that back I had that. I gotta get that back. And it slowly, slowly but shortly is coming into the yards and it's coming back. So once I lock in, that's it. And then just keep on going. And then remind myself that I don't want to go back to
that way. I want to stay this way or get better and keep on going straight. No rarey mirror, not in the mind, no very mirror. Whatever is in the back and of the past, they got to stay that way.
Once you can identify what works, you now know what you need to repeat. And you guys are going to notice a theme here. Most of us, we don't analyze our lives for what works. We analyze our lives for what feels good or what is comfortable. But you have to ask yourself what is working for me? Meaning what actions am I taking in my life that are moving me closer to the version of myself that I want to be, That are moving me closer to the goals I want to achieve, that are moving me closer to
having the accomplishments that I want to have. The things that are doing that you need to repeat. But too often we base our decisions based on what feels good or what was most comfortable. But you've got to ask yourself what is working, what is moving me in a direction that I want to go And once you know what those things are, then you can repeat them. We'll be right back after this with more more family therapy. Freddie is a man who has battled demons a lot
of his life. But more than anything else, Freddie has a massive, huge heart, and Freddie wants to heal and make atonement and to be honest with you. I don't think Freddie knows this, but he's incredibly brave and Freddie is willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the others around him, and it's something tremendously admirable about Freddie. Freddie has done one of the hardest things you could ever do in life, and that is get clean from
substance abuse. It is very, very difficult to get clean from substance abuse and misuse, and Freddie has done that. And I genuinely believe that anybody who could do that could do just about anything. So who is Freddie? In my opinion, he's a superhero. He is flawed, and he has made some colossal, drastic errors in his life. He's been locked away from his family at times, and he
hasn't always been a present father. But what makes him so remarkable is when he came out on the other side of the addiction and the incarceration, he had a heart to create healing with his nine children, and he had the courage to take steps to accomplish that healing. Now, I want to be very clear, I have no idea
how this is going to work out for Freddie. I don't think anybody could possibly know that, and I'm not even sure I have no idea of knowing if Freddy's going to be able to stick to it, because it is that hard but the very fact that Freddie was willing to take even a step is significantly more than a lot of people in his position do. And that's
exactly why I genuinely believe Freddie is a superhero. And the fact that he's also willing to expose that journey publicly on a forum like Family Therapy, it speaks to the level of strength, courage, and heart of this remarkable man. We should not be judged by the mistakes we make. We should be judged by the way we bounce back from them. And I really believe this process about showing Freddie's bounce back and seeing if he can create healing
amongst his children. As a part of that bounce back, we spend some time discussing the difference it would make for him to reconnect with Jay and his grandchildren. What difference does it make for you to be reconnecting with Jen and her kids, your grandkids?
Oh man, it's just a whole world. Man, It means a whole world to me.
Like it seems like I could, you know, I could, like I could relive their childhood through their kids. You know what I mean in the sense because my grandson, he favors j great deal. J great deal too.
It's like, you know, almost like a second chance almost.
You know what I mean?
And who is j to you? Like, why does this matter so much? Can you? Can you tell me why it matters so much to you to reconnect with her?
Well, it's not her specifically, I want to reconnect with all of them.
You know, you just said you just said something interesting, right, So I ask you, like, who is jay to you? Like, what's it like to reconnect for them? You said something interesting that I think is important. You said, I want to reconnect with all my kids. And I'm going to push you a little bit because I think there's something really important here, because there was a chunk of all of your kids live and for now, just highlight Jame,
just to have a specific example where you were. You weren't around, You were out in the streets and incarcerated and all that stuff. You weren't around, and now you're around and you're saying like really important things like I had forgotten what it's like to have two kids around, Like you can't do anything by yourself, you can't even go to the bathroom. And I asked you, like it is important to reconnect with Jayleen like, yes, it's very important.
I think when you're gone, the children may feel like we're not important to him. Like I'd be willing to bet there were times in Jay's life where she felt like, I'm not important to my father, And now it seems like she is very important to you and all of your kids. But it seems like she's very important to you. And one of the experiences, as you said you had, was like, when I'm playing around with the kids, I
feel like it's a second chance. So a real important question I have, and I really want you to think about this. Do you think Jaylen knows that she's important to you, and she's so important to you that you want to keep trying and keep reconnecting and you're experiencing it as a second chance at her childhood, you even said it feels like I got a second chance because she favors the grandchild favors Jaylen, and it to you, it
feels like a second chance. Do you think jay knows she's that important to you?
Oh?
Absolutely, I'm quite sure she does.
That's Uh, it's funny because like, uh, when when they dropped when they when they drop the kids off. So there is the name he forgot his charger for his uh iPad, so there wasn't that far. They had stopped at the store, you know, and got some refreshments and stuff with her the ride back. So when when she came, when she came back, you know, I ad all the light so on. I was by the front door, await, and she just hugged me, like I don't know, I don't know why, Like I just got.
For this talking to her, but you know what I mean. So when she came and she just hugged me, I'm like, hugged her, okay, like that.
Like what was different about that hug that told you this is a hug of my daughter knowing how important she is to me.
Well, it felt like so uh so, like so so rewarded.
Like he's like, you make the last shot at the basketball game, is like five is left and you shoot it and it goal is in the basket and you win the game something like that.
It felt like something like that, you know what I mean. And it was it was so julierating. I was like, oh, okay.
So here's an important question. And I haven't heard you say this before, does J know? I mean, that's an amazing feeling that you're talking about Freddy, like like that that exhilarating feeling when you make the last shot at the end of the game, like that's special. Jane, know that you felt that when she hugged you. I know, I know there must be a motion between you and Ja because she came and she hugged you and it felt like that. But do you think Jay knows that you feel it too?
I'm quite sure she does. I tell you know every time we talk on the phone and stuff like that.
When you when you call her or talk to her, have you ever told her that you missed her while you were away, or how happy you are that she's back in your life, or how amazing it feels when she hugs you. Have you ever told her those things?
Na to tell her that nice and never told nothing like that?
What difference do you think it would make to Jay? They hear those things from.
You, and probably a world of a world of difference.
I understand what you're saying, because, like when I said that, my father wasn't verbally saying he loved me, but he did things and ways of an accident, right, But like I said, I do miss him saying verbally that I love you. Yes, yes, they both combine together to make the whole you know exactly.
Stay tuned from my final thoughts after this. I don't think it's accurate that actions speak louder than words because it very much depends on the partner that you have. There are certain people that words are really really important. There are certain people that actions are really really important. There are certain people that both are really really important. So you have to know, and I'm gonna like this is super duper important. You have to know how does
my partner experience the emotion of love? And then what do I need to say and or do to produce that in my partner's life. Once you understand that, then you'll understand it's not really about actions speaking louder than words or words being louder than actions. It's about I want my partner to feel love. And if my partner is an action oriented person, then I need to be a person of action. If if my partner is a like words of affirmation kind of person, then I need
to be more verbal about my expression of love. But it is very very important that you spend the time getting to know your partner and how they experience love, and then do and or say the things in their life that produce that in their lives. This is not just a podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume. So what I would like for you to do is
come on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that is to just pay attention to the things going on in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in the comments what you're noticing in your life as a result of listening to this podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things. I would love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me a text message to nine seventy two
four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network special thanks to our assistant Glendell Sepe. It's produced by Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions you may have.