The Power of Small Changes

I think if you're going to create self care in your life, it needs to be continuous. The biggest mistake we make is it's like I've got this stressful life, and self care is akin to taking a vacation from that stressful life. Do the things that make you feel good about life daily. The reason why we struggle with our mental health is because we put ourselves last, and we deal with everything and everybody else until we're truly genuinely drained and burnt out, and then we take a

That's been better? Relly Garry? Things pretty much the.

Same, Okay, So I can ask you a weird question like how can you tell it's the same? Like what is happening that tells you things are the same.

I mean I felt the same as I did last time we talked. I've definitely thought about what we talked about a lot, but I don't know that there's been any change in my activities. Yeah, I mean pretty much still doing the same thing.

Uh, what what things did you think about?

Just like when you were asking me, like what is my what is the ideal version of Jay looks like? And how do I know that I'm reaching towards that that that perspective? I guess I've thought about it. I've thought about, you know, waking up in the morning, working out and praying more and doing all those things. But it did it actually happened right?

Right? And you said you thought about it a lot, Like, how would you quantify a lot?

Well, I mean, I mean I thought about it. I don't know if a lot is the right term, but I thought about what we talked about more than I've thought about those things previous to our conversation.

Right, And even though like you still were doing the same things you just thought about it, were there any times where you felt even a little bit more like the jay you wanted to be? You know, like, did you did you catch yourself at any moments feeling a little bit more like that that version of Jalen?

I guess, I guess so, I guess there was moments where I told myself to be more present in the moment and allowed myself to be that yeh wow. Like I went and took my son for a walk, well not for a walk, but I was walked him to daycare versus driving, okay, and I felt and enduring that walk. I felt like, okay, like I'm present in this moment.

How unusual is it for you to walk instead of drive?

I started walking over the summer, trying to like force myself to walk versus driving. So that was something that I did start, but when the weather changed, I stopped so But even though the weather wasn't that great, I still walked him to twice this past week.

What led to the decision that this would be a time when you would walk even though the weather wasn't super ideal.

I don't know. I just told myself to get off my ass and walk. I'm not sure.

And how much like the old Gene is that to just like, you know, get off your ass and do something.

Yeah, that's definitely more the old Jay for sure. But honestly, like it's it is part of my personality to be like that in general. Like even now, it's just I guess sometimes I just more now than I have in the past, I let myself kind of get in my own way and like hume up with excuses. But you know, there's definitely aspects of that in my present day too. I just you know, keep allowing the negative thoughts, I guess to kind of stop me from doing things as much as I used to.

Yeah, I mean that too. It's amazing to discover, even to hear you talk about, even in the current environment with some of the netive thoughts, the old Jane was never really totally gone, you know. Some aspects of her are still there.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, but it kind of manifests more and probably like projects that I take on versus the things that I do for myself. So I'm just trying to, you know, apply it to taking care of me too.

Yeah, it makes sense. And do you enjoy being the type of mom walking to daycare with her happy baby because you're being a little bit more present?

Yes, I do, especially because I well, I mean this is not really relevant, but there's another mom that takes her kids to the same daycare and she's always so freaking angry mm mmm, like sh Like I sometimes I just hope that she sees that I'm like happy, because

Right, Jamine, I completely agree. Yeah, prior to you and this woman going to the same daycare, did you know her? No, Jayleen, I want to ask you a very unusual question, is that, Okay, sure, why would you care? This is a complete and total stranger. You don't know her, never matter. Before you guys started going to the same daycare, you observe her being angry all the time and mean and and this and that. And by the way, I completely agree with you. That

I mean, because we're a community. I care about other people, and I certainly care about vulnerable populations, and children are the most vulnerable in our elders as well. Like I don't No one is deserving of being around negative energy all the time, you know, particularly babies. So I just I just think it's like, right, you know what I mean, Like, I just I just don't like it.

I don't like it, by the way, Like everything you're saying it's like resonating in my spirit, Like I love that you're saying these things and that's important you and and that's that's true for you, Like keep using this phrase until you tell me to stop. But that's that's cool for you as the old Jalen and who you are currently right right, Okay, Jalen, can you think of another time in this past week when you felt more present, more like yourself? Not really no, so that was the

Mm hmmm, probably be. I would probably be more productive like during the day. I don't know, it's weird because it's like I feel like I was more like am like just more productive, Like I would get shit done, I would take care of my business. I would do what I needed to do, and I felt more like just you know, clear on what my task were for

Like like playing on my phone or scrolling and so yeah, so that's the kind of the things I kind of struggle with like, are you as productive as you could be?

And you feel like the old J would be more productive? Is that right?

Yeah?

Can I tell you the thing you said a minute ago that I really like? You said something I really like and I want to ask you about it. You said, right now, you're functioning at about sixty percent, right, and then you said, if I can get to eighty or nine ninety percent, it would be you know, so much better.

I guess, I mean, I guess I just would be spending more time working on the things that I need to work on versus being on my phone.

Okay, Like, what what would be the what would be the type of thing that I'm focusing on what I need to work on. I'm still going to be on my phone because I'm not one hundred percent, because no one is right. But I'm just working on the things I need to work on with a little bit more focus or attention or you know what I mean, or or a little bit that percentage just a little bit higher.

How would you notice My personality is like if I see something needs to be done, I do it and then I kind of stop. So but in that stopping, it's like, well, what else needs to take place? And having, you know, taken a moment to kind of dig a little deeper and not just address the things that are on the surface that are clear that need to be done, I would spend a little more time saying okay, like let me really really understand what we're doing and identify some of the holes.

So wow, And would you be pleased with yourself if you caught yourself doing that, like just paying more attention than laundromat beyond the surface things that you just kind of have to do and start figuring out ways to get more clientele into the laundrobat and finding flaws or whatever. Would you be pleased to catch yourself doing that?

Yes?

How would the other people in the investment group know that they're now partnering with this kind of a Jaylen, How would they know that?

So it's hard to say because if I took it to another level, I don't know that they would, Like they don't notice the things that I feel like I could do more. I don't know that they realize it because they don't really see the weaknesses in my approach the way I see it. So they're like, Oh, she's great, she's doing great, you know, like we know we can count on her, she knows how to get stuff done, blah blah blah. But me sitting back, like, I noticed where I could be you know, where I can improve.

You know, it's interesting, Jalen, because you know what I'm learning as you talk.

What's that?

It sounds like the old versus the current Jane. The current Jane is actually still pretty awesome. Like if I called your your investment group and I said, tell me about jan and they wouldn't say, oh, she's asleep at the wheels, she's she's not dependable, She's like, they wouldn't say those things. But this shift you're talking about, it's like an internal shift, right that it might not be outwardly huge, but to you would be massively huge. Right,

Notice that I'm taking more care of myself physically and spiritually? I don't. It's like I know how to get stuff done, but it's taking care of me that I feel like it's lacking. It's like, yeah, I worked out when I was pregnant, but then as soon as I had the baby, I stopped working out. You know what I mean? Because I was working out, Like I tend to do a lot of things because I need to do them for someone else, but I don't really do a lot of stuff just for me.

Gotcha that makes sense?

Yeah, So I guess that's what I'm struggling with. So I think it's if I took more time to just focus on me, then I would notice that shift internally.

What's the first thing you would notice that you focused on you?

That I took like specific time throughout the week for just me doing something that I enjoy. But the challenges that I don't sometimes I don't know what that is. It's like, I know what people say, oh you know self care, go, yeah, you know, go to have a spa day or you know shit like that, and it's like, yeah, I mean that's cool, But is that really the care that I need? Do I need to light a candle and take a bath?

Like?

I don't know, Like I don't know if that is what self care needs to look like for me, So I don't. I'm trying to. I know, like I like to work out, and I feel that is self care for me. But until I get to a point where I am working out, what else can I be doing?

What are the things that you enjoy that would feel to you like you're taking care of yourself if you had done them?

Mmmmm, I mean I know that when the weather is different, I really do like to be outdoors and I like to grow stuff.

So grow stuff like like what do you mean, I.

Mean like plants like a party, like tomatoes and peppers and stuff like that.

Oh well, do you have that like on your property like available to you?

Yeah? I have the space for it.

Wow, Okay, all right.

I mean it's not enough space I'm not about to be like at the farmers market selling rights in space to grow you know what I need. But I'm from the family.

I am not trying to turn you into a farmer, Jayalen, I promise well, I.

Actually would not be against that.

Do you think you'd be happy as a farmer? By the way, I do, you know?

Oddly enough, I told my sister. I was like, I think I'm gonna try to find a farm that I can volunteer at for a week and see if I like it.

What.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm such a random person, but I do. I do feel like I really enjoy being outdoors. I like the idea of being close to nature. But I don't know if I would like being a farmer person. So I figure, you know, maybe I can volunteer and figure out if that is something that I truly would like. But the idea of it sounds awesome.

I've always been I've always been fascinated like people who who like transform themselves, you know, mm hmm. And sometimes a big transformation like becoming a farmer or kind of like we're talking about here, like sometimes a small transformation, like you know, I'm going to focus more on the laundry bat. But I've always been fascinated by, like the act of doing something different, you know.

Yeah, me too.

And you said I'm a random person. Did I hear you say that?

Yeah? I like. I like random stuff, Like I like spontaneity. I like thinking outside the box. I miss being more spontaneous, like I don't know, I just I like, you know, like life is supposed to be lived, right, Like I.

Could not agree with you more.

We do the same thing over and over and over, and honestly, that's one of the challenges I have with being a mom, Like I know that it's supposed to be like this miraculous time in my life, and it's so full of love and joy. Yeah, it's that, but it's also like kind of mundane, like how many diapers

You know, if I said to you, I want you to do one random thing this week, what are you reading you do?

M I don't know. I gotta think about that one.

Because as you as you talk about this, I start wondering if, what if? What if self care to Jayleen looks like not being a mom for a few minutes, you know what I mean? Or and not that you don't enjoy being a mom, but like, what if self care to Jayleen looks like I'm just gonna do something completely spontaneous and crazy. M M for a second, like I'm just gonna I'm gonna do something off the rhythm? Does Does that make sense?

Yeah? No, that's that's interesting.

I never thought about it, right, So introducing spontaneity is probably the self care that you need.

Yeah?

Maybe, hhmm maybe, Jayleen, that's an interesting thought that I didn't think about until I heard you say that.

Yeah. I think so. You know, we get so caught up in what self care looks like andy to you know, personalize it and really think about what that looks like for the individual based on you know, what they're sharing. I think is good for you. Good job, counselor, that's very insightful.

Well, thank you. Maybe self care is once a week, I'm going to do something completely random because I don't like the feeling of routine. So like one week, I'm going to go to the local bar, the next week I'm going to go to a park, and the next week I'm going to try a restaurant that's completely not the kind of place I would normally go, or you know, so on and so on.

Yeah, yeah, I like that.

So I kind of want to push you if you'd allow me to, okay, and I want you to pay more attention to how other people might experience you when you're at your best. Then another example is the people in the investment group. Now, you're a pretty awesome person, so I believe you're telling the one hundred in truth. If I called the people in the investment group and I said, tell me about Jay Lenn, they wouldn't say, oh, she's not dependable, we can't count on her. She's you know,

Right.

And then the last thing I want to point out to you is, I think my favorite thing I learned about you today actually have two favorite things I learned about you. The first one is that you curse. I don't think you cursed once in our first session, but I love that you cursed today because I want you

Yes? I also want to punchure on her face, but I'm not going to do that.

It's okay to be both. That says a lot about you that you see this and you like even for her children's sake, like you want her to be better. If I could use that phrase like, that says a lot about you and who you are. So I just want you to be aware. I want you to notice,

Mm hmm, all right.

Yeah.

I think a lot of times I go through life feeling like no one's paying me any attention. So I can certainly start thinking about that more and more conscious of it.

You know, Jayleen, everybody's paying attention, ma'am. They might not say anything, but they can all see it.

I think part of that is just the relationship that I meant. Sometimes I feel like this guy is not paying me any attention, so.

Even him.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're right.

So how do we do today, Jay?

We did good.

The reason why it's easier to focus on others rather than ourselves is because focusing on ourselves makes us uncomfortable, and the distraction becomes focusing on others, whether that's taking care of your partner, raising children, things you do at work, internal work and an internal focus makes us very uncomfortable, and the process of looking outward is just easier and also becomes a distraction because the responses are immediate. So if I focus on my children, then I feel better

Uh, work, little stuff? It's been It's been good, man, it's been good. You know. I took into consider I really took what you told me. And you know, every day it's made small steps into that. So my morning routine changed. Get out of bed, I say my prayers and I just say like, okay, mom, sis, even if I throw my dad in it too. I know y'all

How could you tell?

So my reaction too, because I was in a different location, that's one. So I took it with a grain of salt, like I was like, listen, man, it's out of my control. I gotta do what I gotta do, Like I don't own the company. So I took it like that and this my interaction with just people and this little situations I was coming up even at home, like I just took it like okay, like not like being a pushover or anything, but just saying like all right, this would

Man. I loved it. And you said Saturday was a rock star day? What made it a rock star day?

As soon as I walked in there, it was just like I was on fire. Like every person I came in, I was closing them. But now I had a big day Monday because I was off Sunday because it was closed. So I had two big days and it was and I was like, all right, that's good. So now it's like, you know, just continue to keep piling on to what I have already going on.

Man. I love that. And as your energy changed, who noticed? Tell me who noticed there was something different about David?

Oh? David noticed? I noticed, Yeah, And that's I think that's the key. Like I got to notice it first.

I love that, bro.

I don't know, like my coworkers or anything notice anything like that because I'm pretty much in like good spirits or whatever the case may be. But that was it because I was a little under the weather too at home. But I bounced out of that quick, like I maybound down for like a day if that, and then I just bounced out of that. So I don't really know if like family noticed or my son's they too young, they five, and me too, so they always wanted to see happy dad. And they either know happy dad or

How else did you notice it?

Besides from performance? I just I just felt different. I just felt different, Like it was just a different like NYG inside me. I just felt different. I think that's what it was. I just felt different, you know. And I felt myself not getting upset. That's one thing I noticed, Like I felt myself not getting upset at little things and just taking it as it is, like all right, I just take care of it, don't you worry? About it. But I think that's how I noticed it.

M what happened. Instead of you getting upset.

I took a second, were more than a second process what I wanted to say, right, took a couple of deep breasts and then relay the message or just like all right, that's okay, don't even worry about it. You know, I think I got it like something like that, you know, or don't say nothing and just did it, like you know. I think it was one day I came home, I'm like, oh, I'm hungry, I gotta make me something to eat, and

And how much of a change is that, you said, like there might have been times it would have been slimming dishes and you know, getting angry. How much of a change is that.

It's a big change, because now I don't got to hear it in the morning, like you was down here last night, you was up for a little bit and you couldn't do this and that and the third. So sometimes I don't like hearing that first thing in the morning because it's just starting my day off with negativity. So if I want to start my day off positive, right, and there's something I can do to change that the

Definitely, and Jay might not have said anything, but what difference do you think it made to her? She woke up and everything was already done. Like I'm not sure if she said anything or whatever, but she.

She did say nothing, But it definitely I know, I know because I know her enough. Yea, she was probably like, thank you, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I know she was probably saying that to herself.

Yeah, And we also know that she must have noticed because I think I heard you say you didn't wake up with the negativity.

Yeah there, because usually that's what would happened, like like shit say that, like, Yo, you couldn't do this, You couldn't do that, Like you're sitting right here, you ain't come to bed at two o'clock, like you couldn't watch it, like and I you know before I'm like, I ain't feel like and then I'm responding back. Now we're both

Hey man, instead of negativity when that was happening what would you call So you didn't wake up with negativity? What did you wake up with?

I just woke up to, you know, going through my thing. I just like so if I if isl me, So I always try to start off positive, right, because that's gonna help me get get me due to my day right because I'm dealing with all types of people and I know it's going to be some negative things that's gonna come, but I gotta be able to respond and because I got to do my job right, So I

Hm. Are you surprised? I gotta think of how to word this because I want to make sure I asked this right. Are you surprised that a little thing you did, like cleaning the kitchen?

Mm hmm.

Had such an impact? Like even though Jalen didn't just overtly say it, but are you surprised that you did a little thing like cleaning the kitchen and it literally changed the way you woke up the next morning? Like? Does that surprise you? Mm?

I wouldn't say more of a surprise because I think me personally, I think she thinks that you know, it's expected, but it was definitely more uh, what I'm looking for. I think it was more I think it was more accepted, like okay, all right, cool, all right, So I did that, so allright, and it was I feel like I did that, and this was the results that happened the next day. So now I add on to that, this is the

How proud do you think your mom, your dad, and your sister are watching you do these things.

I think my sister and mom are super proud because they know the type of guy I am, type of man I am. I think my dad is proud too as well, for the simple reason of like my dad probably like I can hear him saying, like, man, I want to be none of that. Like my dad wasn't that type of guy. Like he's not gonna sit there like you know, he's not that Like he'll go order out fool. He's not gonna sit there and cook and

And how much of this are you doing because you want to make things better between you and j and you want to see Jade happy? Like what what? How much of these changes are a part of that?

A lot of it? Right, So it's not just so the changes is it's for both of us, right, So the changes are definitely gonna help me, right, It's definitely gonna help me. But by me getting better with myself and you know, stronger with my self is gonna be a re It's definitely gonna trans over to Jayleen and

No, sir, that's not a good thing. That's a great thing. That's okay, out of the world thing, Like that's an amazing thing to hear. Do you think Jay knows that? Like if I recorded the last I don't know, thirty seconds or sixty seconds that you just said and played it for jas, do you think she would know that? Do you think she would be surprised to hear you say what you just said?

I think she does know it, right. I think Jalen is to the point that she needs to see it, gotcha, jal is She's a strong woman, right, She's a very smart woman. Okay, she's a soldier, right. She need to see it. And I understand that part. So she needs to see it. She know all the capabilities I have, Yeah, and I can write. It's just that it's time for her to see things now. She needs to see it. And I think that's where we're at. She need to see this stuff.

Yeah, Okay, And you're right, like she is a strong woman. And when you say she's a soldier, like literally she was in the Armed Services MM hmm. What do you imagine would be your clue that the actions you are taking, the things you are doing is impacting her in a significant way. Like when we started talking, you said, you're not sure Jaylen noticed, but she must have noticed because she behaved differently, like she woke up differently the next day.

I think it would probably be more dialogue, Like it's probably the way she will respond to say something. She she's the type of person that she'd say something. She just say it, especially if it's for the good and she know like it's an initiative, Because then I would I would bring it out of her. I'd say I bring it up to her. But I think that's a reaction to it. She would definitely say something. The dialogue would be a little different. She'll probably be like, Yo,

What difference would it make you to hear her say that, to hear her say those things.

Man, I'm gonna be honest. I'm a guy, right, I'm a guy. I like my ego stroke sometimes I'm an athlete, so it will be very very very very very make me feel very good to hear her say something like that. And I'm not gonna see here and be like, ah, she don't got to say. No. I need to hear that sometimes, and I'm being honest with you, I need to hear that. That's gonna make me feel good if you say some stuff like that, absolutely, because it's gonna

No, look appreciate that. Do you think she knows that about you? Do you think she knows that like her feedback to you because you're a man, because you're an athlete because you because of the way you think about her. Do you think she knows that her feedback to you really impacts you.

I think every woman knows that. I think of women that been with a certain person for a long time, women know, and Jalen knows what pisses me off and what makes me act right. He knows that she know, she know, and she and if you was the actor right now and she's like, absolutely, that's David's personality, I know, right, And I also know that what would take him off too?

David? Can I challenge you a bit? I think you're right. If I called her right now and I said what pisses David off and what makes David happy, she'd be able to tell me one hundred percent. I actually agree with that. But if I said to her, your happiness, your smile, and your feedback matters a lot to David, I'm not sure she would know that. I wonder if if I called her right now and I said, does your happiness, does your feedback? Does your praise matter to David?

I think she'll probably say that right when you break it down that way, Yeah, I think she will say that.

My question to you would be, how do you show Jay that her smile and her praise and her feedback still matters to you? You know what I mean, Like it's still the thing that drives me. I might not have been myself for a minute. I might have fallen off you know, gotten off track for a minute, but you still matter to me. How do you show her that?

I gotta start, you know, pouring myself into her more, like, you know, getting that smile back on her face like she deserves, Like you know what I'm saying, Yeah, I gotta start doing the doing, you know, more than what I used to do, you know, you know what I'm saying, and just being consistent on certain things, taking the lead on a lot of stuff, Like you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, you said something earlier about the kids, which I completely agree. I mean, they're what'd you say? Five and two? I think what difference would it make to their lives to have mom and dad behaving in the way you're describing.

Stuff I've seen at my son's age, he will never see nothing like that, right, So I thank him by him seeing that and seeing his mom and dad like, you know, happy and smiling and seeing dad doing certain things. It's just gonna, you know, as he gets older and he's just gonna see like, this is how a man leaves the family, This is how my dad treats my mom,

Yeah, you know, it's interesting you're highlighting something and I don't even know if you realize your highlighting this. But not only would you be with the children grow up not seeing the things that that you saw, correct, if they would grow up not seeing the things that you saw, So not only that, but they would also grow up seeing things you didn't see. Yeah, and that would impact how they conduct themselves in future relationships. What difference does that make to you as a father?

That's a major difference. Having my boys raised that way and seeing that positive It just changes the game and changes the narrative of their story and how their story could be right, right, just like that, because I have friends that grew up that way, and I hung out with these guys, right, you could. You could tell the little difference between the ones that did and the ones that didn't. You can see it. You can see it, right.

Okay, So I want to ask you a question, but I got to explain why I'm asking it. I've worked with a lot of professional athletes and a lot of times they will say to me, and usually when I see them is when they've retired and they have a hard time like adjusting to being a regular person versus

You know what I'm talking about? What you talking about?

And this one guy you made me think about him because he said when he rediscovered how to be a man, because he came from a very broken environment too, he said, he started to look himself in the mirror kind of like indestructible. Again, So I was thinking about that as you were talking, like, how would you feel about yourself as you accomplish these things daily and you break this pattern and show your boys something different, and and you

I think over the last few years, I've just been letting the adversity just can take in consuming me and then trying to, you know, not deal with it. Go left, go right, But when you come back to the middle, is still there. Yeah, So it would definitely feel like, you know, I'm like, all I got through that bone, that's out the way, that's out the way. I ain't worrying about that anymore, knocking that down. Let's keep going,

I know you gotta go back to work, so I'm not gonna keep you too much longer. But can I ask you to do something please?

What is it? Sure?

So, David, I want you to do exactly what you just said, like do all the little things, do them daily, because I think you're absolutely right, Like she needs to see this happening daily to have an impact. Yes, But the other thing I want you to do, I want you to pay attention to the boys and Jay. Now, none of them may just come out and say, you know, hey Dad, I see it, or hey David, I see it, but they're gonna do things that give you a clue that they see it. Their moods will change, their energy

Yeah?

And then I also want you to notice you. I want you to notice the difference it is making to David to be pouring himself into his family.

Mm hmm.

It was incredibly touching, David to listen to you talk about the impact you want to have on your boys. Yeah, man, David, I know you're really busy in the middle of your workday. Man, but I really appreciate you taking some time to chat. Man. I really enjoy chatting with you.

Yeah, me too, Me too. No worries, man, no worries, no matter, I ain't listening the session session.

Session say, David is learning that small obstacles, when you focus on them, can block you from making positive change in your life. So part of this journey is to help David focus on things other than the obstacles, such as who he used to be in the past as he accomplished amazing things. I think the best way that I could say how clients and people should feel about change is to understand it's always happening. I think we get focused on the outcome and not focus on change itself.