Please note this episode speaks on abuse, both sexual and physical. Please be prepared for any potential triggers or sensitivities that may come up while listening. The practice to alleviate negative thoughts is to actually exercise the muscle of creating and
focusing on positive thoughts. The human brain is actually a negative thought engine, like, we do better at thinking about negative things, holding on to negative things, processing negative things, so we actually have to work to counter that by noticing positive things. We have a tendency. If I say how is your day? Just to give you an example, what I mean when I say the human brain is a negative engine, we have a tendency. If I say how is your day? You think about did anything negative
happen today? And if the answer to that question was no, then you're like, oh, it's a pretty good day. You have to be intentional about processing and thinking about positive things. You have to be intentional about thinking about your achievements, things you've accomplished, even small things. You have to be intentional about celebrating those things. You have to be intentional
about giving verbiage to those things. An example of that in a relationship context is if you walked into a room and you saw your partner in there, and your partner looked really really angry or really really sad, or some negative emotion. We have a tendency to say, hey, partner, what's wrong. But on the flip side, if you walked into a room and your partner looked really really happy or really really satisfied or really really content, we don't
have a tendency to say, hey, partner, what's right. So the best way to alleviate negative thoughts is to create habits around positive thoughts, both thinking about them and giving verbage to them. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliot Khani. What's been better since you listened to the previous episode? This is always an important question as it shifts what we notice to things that are progressing and
more desirable as opposed to problems. Today is spent directly with Jay as she shares some impactful and sensitive information. There are times when you're working with a family clinically where it becomes appropriate to spend some time one on one with each member of the family. The reason why this is true is because a lot of times people have gone through some really sensitive things that may impact
the dynamic amongst family members. This will oftentimes create anxiety, fear, and even make the psychotherapy space unsafe, So it's important for me as a clinician to always prioritize the safety of the dynamic of the family and of the therapy process. Once you are able to heal from some of those past wounds while talking to the therapists individually, then it
becomes appropriate to reconvene as a family and continue moving forward. Therapy, when done well, will oftentimes bring up triggers past traumas, tragedies, struggles, and those things can sometimes have a negative impact on therapy itself or the dynamic amongst the family members. So oftentimes we meet with individuals to make sure we are taking care of those sensitive topics with the level of
respect that they deserve. As often happens in therapy, Jay speaks about having blocks and how it's preventing her from moving forward and implementing the tools from the therapy. But despite that, change is still prevalent. Change is always happening. It is impossible to have the same day, same week, same month,
over and over and over again. One of the strengths in therapy isn't so much about implementing the things that came from therapy exactly, but actually noticing change happening in your life and being able to pay extra special attention to the kind of changes that you're experiencing as desirable
and giving yourself credit for those desirable changes. There's currently a block happening with Jay where she's almost beating herself up for not doing the things that came from therapy exactly, however, not noticing that there are changes happening around her that are positive and connected to who she is and what she's doing. The process of therapy is to help her notice those changes and give herself appropriate credit for them. Other than feeling under the weather, what's been better?
Not much. I didn't have a great.
Week, okay. What took place?
I don't know? That is so much? What has taken place since? What's going to take place? So me and my partner is separating, and that's happening this weekend. The first property I bought, I'm in the process of selling it, okay, and I feel kind of down about that. So those two things together, I'm not in the best mood.
M How have you managed.
Mm hmmm, I just you know, just keep moving forward.
This obviously must be a difficult thing. How are you pleased with the way you showed up during these difficult times?
M hmmm, I don't know. I just I just realize what needs to happen, and I'm trying to make these things happen. I don't know that I'm please, they're displeased. I'm just doing what needs to be done.
Okay, So how are you hoping today's conversation could make a different for you?
Like?
What are your best hope from talking with me today?
To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm not really sure what direction we're going in. Like I feel like our conversations are really positive, but I don't know if it's enough.
Okay, what direction would be like the conversations are go in.
I don't I'm Hi'm not a therapist, so I don't know what needs to happen or what or what would be best. But I guess I'm just wondering. I just wonder if it's enough, like if it's gonna get me, I guess in a better space by the time we'll finished.
I got you. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I guess I would need your your feedback like, how would you know you were heading in a direction that worked for you and we're like in a better space, Like how would you know it was enough? You know what I mean? Like? What would you be experiencing that would tell you that?
Well? I feel like you're give me good ideas and some tools, but I haven't really implemented them, and I don't know like they're good tools, but the block is still there as far as me applying them to my life. So I don't know, like how do I get past that block in order to use the tool that you're giving me?
What are you experiencing that tells you there's a block?
Because I think about what our discussions and I see like there's chances of opportunities for me to do the things that you talk about, but I don't do them.
How come? What do you think the block is?
I don't know.
How long have you been aware of the block? It's gonna be a weird question, but how do you know there's a block there?
It's been a while years?
Gosh, okay, And I'm gonna guess that you don't like this block, right, like you'd prefer this to be removed? Yeah, Okay, I gotta push you a little bit. What do you think is the cause of the block, Like, if you were to dig deep and really think about it, what do you think has caused the block?
M Hm, I don't know. I guess it's like a self ware, self value kind of thing.
Okay, mm hmm.
At some point in life, I guess I just stopped believing that I was worth that effort.
M That sounds hard.
Mm hmmm.
Do you know when that happened?
I don't know that it's one situation. I think it's just like a multiple, like over the course of time. So I don't know. I mean, I don't know why I keep saying I don't know, but I do know.
No, No, it's okay.
Yeah, no, I just know. It's like one of those feelers that I tend to use. Is I don't know, but you kind of do.
No.
Yeah, uh, that's just situations over the course of a lifetime, situations like what I guess, Like, you know, dealing with abuse at a young age.
Can I ask you a question about that?
Mm hmm.
When was the age you remember? Like you remember the abuse starting, don't?
Are you eleven eleven twelve? Like that?
How did you get through it.
Mm hmmm, mm hmm. How did I get through it? I mean I did have therapy counseling at some point to kind of deal with those feelings of being a victim or whatever. So I guess when I was going through it, I was just going through it, but I don't know that I really dealt with it at that time. But as I got older, I realized, you know, there's some things happening that, you know, maybe rooted in those experiences. So I went to therapy at that time.
By the way, like I have to ask you some of these questions because it's my job, but if you don't want me to, you can just tell me that, you know, it's none of my business.
It's fine, It's totally fine. That's what we're here for.
How long did the abuse last?
Well, lived with the abuser for a couple of years. I don't remember exactly. How long was he family or no, my mom's ex boyfriend.
Was he ever held accountable? No? Does your mom know that this happened?
Yeah, she does. But because he wasn't just like sexually abusive, but he also was a very violent person, So it wasn't just that experience. It was him also you know, hitting and punching, choking, whatever he felt like to.
Wow, was it just you or any of your other siblings targets.
They did experience?
Gotcha? And then you said something really powerful a minute ago, and you said, like, while it was happening, you don't know that you dealt with it, right m hm? And then at some point later you realized that some of the things that were happening in your life maybe because of that. Right did I hear that?
M hm?
When did you realize that?
When I was in undergrad college?
What was your clue? How did you How did you know at that age set like.
Some of the stating someone and he wanted to break up and I didn't want him to and I hit him and I realized that wasn't me, and I didn't want to be that person. But I knew, like you know, some of the things that I experienced what was making me violent at that point. So that was kind of the first clue.
What did you do about it? When you realize like I'm being violent and I don't want to be, or I got this trait and I don't want to have it, What did you do about it?
I went to therapy. They had like free therapy on campus, so I went.
Did you find it useful?
It was useful. I don't know that I I probably could have kept going for a longer period of time, but I went for several sessions and I found that it was helpful.
What was the therapist doing that you found helpful or what came of it that you found helpful?
I guess, you know, she was just connecting some of the dots for me with my childhood and the things that I was doing, and as not minded, it was like this is like over twenty years ago, but right she you know, she just kind of gave me a space to talk through some of those things that I was dealing with at that time.
Gotcha, did you feel after that like you could live a life in the way you wanted to or were you still kind of held back by those experiences?
I felt, I mean I felt at that time that you know, I was moven in the right direction. Yeah, I felt I felt that the councilman was helpful.
And yeah, how did you know back then that you were moving in the right direction? So you knew there was a problem because and I think the way you were said that that wasn't me, and you addressed the problem of going to counseling, and you got the opportunity to like speak and talk through it. And then you said I was in the right direction. How did you know you were going in the right direction.
Because I was making better choices as far as relationships went after that.
How did you know they were good choices?
Because I felt that there wasn't like if something happened, I wasn't letting the anger get the best of me. I wasn't letting you know what someone was doing trouble me so much?
Can I tell you why I'm a counselor have I ever told you this?
Yeah?
Do you remember what I said?
It is that you had a difficult childhood and you wanted to help people figure things out the way you figure things out for yourself. It's something along his lines. Everybody said a little bit bit more eloquently.
No, No, that was perfectly eloquent. That's what I said. But I don't think I was specific. My father was very abusive, and when people ask me for how long, I say from the formation of my memory tw when I was nineteen, So I don't remember a time in between there where there was an abuse in my home. And the reason I'm telling you this is because you've now done something really incredible, because I know personally firsthand
how hard it is to go through those experiences. And then I had anger issues too in my you know, teenage years and early twenties. And you're saying I started making good decisions and when when like difficult things happened, I didn't let them bother me. How did you do that?
I guess it's just the mindsetshift of like taking ownership and accountability for your actions, and that's it. You know, you can't really control what anybody else does, right, you know, just can't point the finger, you know, like, this is my life and I'm with a enjoy it and make the best out of it, and I'm not gonna let what other people are doing compromise my experience. Not to
say I didn't get angry after that. I'm sure you're healing, but I think at that age I started to kind of shift my mindset.
Okay, now you said to me today like, I'm not sure this is gonna be enough, and I'm not sure it's going in the right direction. If your mindset shifted again, how would you notice it? Like if your mindset shifted now to make you like I'm responsible for my own actions. I'm gonna enjoy my life. I'm gonna make decisions I can be pleased with. How would you notice it if that same kind of a mind shift happen now? How would you be aware of it?
Mm hmm. I mean, I guess I'd be implementing some of the things to talk about and taking a little bit better care of myself.
Okay, and taking better care of yourself. How like? What what things would you notice yourself doing that would feel to you like you were taking better care of yourself?
Mm hmm.
Exercising, praying, it's like the it's like the working out we were talking about.
Before, Yeah, working out, praying more, being more present, some of those Aboucin eighty that we talked about, things like.
That, Yeah, what would you pray for? You said praying? I don't think i've ever heard you say that. What would you what would you pray about?
I'm sorry, what's that?
It's okay? Is it okay that I asked that? Mm hmm okay.
I guess I would pray to be to live my fullest best life mm hmmm. That I would want to be person that when God looks at my life, he says, I gave you all these talents, I gave you all these blessings and you used them and I'm proud of you.
Oh my goodness, Jalen. Who how would you impact your life to be saying a prayer like that?
Mhm, man, I will hope that it would encourage me to live that type.
Of life, right, And how would impact your life to know that the like God was proud of you for using the talents and blessings the way He intended you to use them.
I mean, that would be beautiful. That would be a great thing.
Have you Have you always been a person that that praise throughout your life?
Yes? But I don't work. I guess I'm just working on trying to find my own words in prayer because sometimes I pray, you know, like the Lord's Prayer or Psalm switting three and things like that. But I would like to become a I would like to use words that I connect with that I feel are empowering. And I mean, obviously, you know, Lord's Prayer is an excellent prayer and that's what God gave us. But I also want to be able to pray over myself and my family with the words that I choose on my own.
Gotcha, how long have you had that desire?
It's been a while. I mean, I feel like I do it. But it's so funny, Like there's are so many things in this world I guess you could be jealous of. But there's this girl that I've known for a very long time, and we always end up kind of going to the same churches, not as girls. She ain't no girl, She's grown woman. She can pray her butt off like she be praying, and I'm like, whatever she's praying for is gonna happen. She know how to pray.
I am. I am a whole forty seven years old. I've heard people jealous of other people's house, money, card. I've never in my life heard anybody jealous about somebody else praise.
Let me tell you you heard her pray and be like, I won't pray like.
That too, Okay. So I've got to ask you, though, what what is she doing when she prays that makes you say whatever she's praying for is gonna happen. What is she doing that makes you think.
She just so passionate? And the words that she chooses, they're just like they're just so powerful. It's like, I don't know, she just seems like she's choosing all the right words and she just really truly believes and what she's and it's beautiful.
Does she know that you think this about the way she praise me? You just kind of are you just jealous? In silence watching?
Yeah, I never told her.
Okay, maybe do you consider her a friend or is it just somebody you just kind of see in passing.
She's kind of like, I mean, like we don't talk on the phone or anything like that. But I've known her for a very long time, very long.
Gotcha? And what about you? Where'd you learn how to pray? Who? Who taught you that this was really important?
Oh? My grandmother actually talked me to the Lord's prayer when I was very young, so I've known it for a long time. And then I went to a Catholic high school, so as I learned a little bit there, and I used to go to church with my aunt and only way because I wanted to hang out with my cousin. But I guess I picked up a little bit along the way while I was at church too.
Were you close to your grandma.
Mm hmm, not really my grandmother. I think when I think about the things in my life, like I said, there's been multiple things that I think have chipped away at myself worth, my self value, and I would say she kind of has done a little bit of that.
One of those things. Huh.
Yeah, she definitely contributed in her own way. I don't know if she's.
Well.
I think she has some mental health issues. I would say she's probably bipolar and just never been diagnosed. But she is a woman that can build you up, and she is a woman that can tear you down.
But she's the one who introd introduced you to prayer, yes, and specifically taught you the Lord's Prayer?
Yes.
Would you mind sharing the Lord's Prayer real quick? Can I hear it?
Seriously?
Yeah? You know?
Oh my god. My son knows it too. His father taught it to him and he sounds so cute when he says it. I'm not gonna probably sound as cute as he does, but I'll share it. Our Father, who are in heaven, ill will be thy name, the Kingdom come and will be done on earth as it doesn't Heaven, give us this day our daily prayer, and forgive us how TransPasses, as we forget those who transpass against us. Lead it's not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thou or the kingdom, the power in the glory forever or never came in.
Wow, you you do know it? That's that's that's lying. No, No, I wanted to see if you could make me jealous with the way you pray. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
That's funny.
How often do you say that prayer?
Pretty often because we say it with our kid at night. So it's not my favorite prayer, though, to be honest.
With you, it's your favorite.
It's not. I think it's important, but I think there's other prayers in the Bible that I connect more with.
Right, I won't make you say another one. But what what? What would you say is your favorite prayer?
Oh? Son swety three?
How do you know when God is answering your prayer? You know?
Mm hmmm, He's been answering my prayer all my life?
How do you know that? That's an interesting answer. He's been He's been answering my prayers all my life. How do you know that.
Because I'm here. I'm here like I've had too many things happen that could have went so different, and I know that somebody protecting me, and I want to say it to him, you know, I do think, you know, the ancestors have a part in that too, But I definitely feel like it's definitely been things that could have been a whole lot worse and it weren't. And even the things that were bad, I feel like I've been able to still maintain some type of hope, some type
of instanity. So so I would say, you know, it's been present.
What happens to you when you remind yourself of that that even in the bad moments, somebody must be protecting me.
I mean, it's a it's a it's a good thing to know. It makes me feel like I could do anything.
I've had some really bad things happen to me, and sometimes, if I'm being totally honest, sometimes I feel like like a victim mentality, like why that happened to me? Like I just want to be a regular person, and it felt like I was getting challenges that people around me weren't getting right. Does that resonate with you?
Yes? Yes, absolutely, And.
Then you just said something that really touched me. And you said, like I asked you, how do you know when your prayers be an answered? You said, they're always be an answer because everything I've been through, the fact that I'm here, somebody must be watching over me, like you did say that, right, m Yeah, And it really touched me when you said that, Like I could feel myself getting emotional because when I think about, even in
my darkest moments, I'm still being and protected. And then a word I'm going to introduce that you didn't say, but I just want to share this with you, and then you respond, I'm also being prepared for something.
Yeah, that's good.
When I remind myself of that, it makes me feel more resilient and more hopeful when I'm When I'm not as in contact with that thought, it's easier to sink down. Does that make sense?
Mm hm.
So that's why I wanted to know from you, Like when you remind yourself even in my dark, difficult moments, I'm still being covered and protected. What happens to you when you remember that?
I mean, I want to say that it encourages me, and it inspires me, and it makes me want to go out and just live my best life. But honestly, that's not where I am right now. Okay, I think in the past has made me feel that way, but right now I just feel like I do know those things, and I do I believe they're important and but I guess that's why I started crying when you asked me about, you know, the prayer that I said that I wi't want God to be proud of me because I don't
know how to navigate this space that I'm in. So I'm just like you do you do? You know? You do have talents and you have been blessed, but you're still not over these thoughts feelings. So that bothers me because I don't want to be like this.
How would you rather be?
Still working on that? What? That? What that looks like? I just know I don't want this, but I'm still trying to figure out what. You know, what is it that I really really really want?
What do you think God wants for you?
I think he wants me to not worry when he wants me to YEA, he told us he has a plan for our life, right it is a good plan, So I think he wants us to people want me to believe in that and not worry about just kind of let things just kind of don't let it go. But he stops stressing and over stuff. I'll stress it over the future.
How what difference would it make in your life if you replaced belief in the plan even if you don't understand the plan. But if you replace belief in the plan with that fear and worry that you currently have, how would that make a difference in your life?
Yes, I would be just a little less stress, a little less stress, a little more lighthearted, a little more I don't know. I mean, when you live off of faith and belief, you don't you don't have to worry, right, you don't have to because you believe that everything's going to work out. And I do believe that. I do believe that, But I still be stressed out because I'm trying to I'm trying to do I'm trying to do something.
You know, I'm trying to. I want to. I want to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and I want to be someone that my children look up to. And I also want to make sure that they're in a different position financially that than we were when we were younger. So I'm trying. I'm really trying to work on something here, and but sometimes it's just really hard for me to not get stressed over that because I feel like my time is is limited. Like I'm in
my forties. There's a lot of shit that I need to get done, you know, and I'm I feel like I've wasted a lot of time with my current relationship, and I just I feel like now I gotta like go faster and go harder because I've wasted time with this guy, and I don't I don't know, like these are serious things that I feel like I need to do, and it's hard for me sometimes to just be like chill, like everything's gonna be okay.
What do you think God wants you to do with that thought? Because I if you and I wonder what you think about this, But like if I trust and believe in the plan, then that means there's no such thing as wasted time because everything we did was a part of the plans. That makes sense.
Mm hmmm.
So how do you imagine God would want you to think about these things? Because I don't imagine he'd want you to think you were wasting your time, and you got to hurry up and make up for it. Like if it's if it's all part of the plan, there's no waste of time, right.
But are my bad decisions part of the plan?
I would say yes, m.
Well, I guess I need to sit with that a little bit, you know.
And can I tell you why I would say yes, mm hmm, Because in those bad decisions, do you remember early when I said I'm going to introduce a word you didn't say, and I use the word prepare mm hmm. In those bad decisions are lessons that you get to apply further down the road. And I've made so many bad decisions I didn't want to tell you, but it all. Sometimes I've made a bad decision and then later on I was like, oh, that's why I needed that lesson.
Like at the time I made the bad decision, I was frustrated, I was disappointed in myself sometimes ashamed and embarrassed, And then down the road, I would literally be like, oh that's why I needed that lesson, And it turned out it wasn't a bad decision. It was just part of the overall plan, you know, right. So I was wondering what happened when you when you start thinking about those things in that context, I don't think. I don't think God wants us to worry and stress.
He doesn't, he tells us. He tells us specifically that he doesn't want us to Okay, he tells us right there, it's like, who have you both? Worrying can add one single moment to your life or one day to your life. It tells us, like I take care of the birds, I take care of grass in the field. Why wouldn't I take care of you?
You know, even hearing you said that, like it did something to me. What was it like for you to say that, because I can tell you what it was like for me to even hear it.
I mean, it's dope. It's like, yo, you know you know you're taking care of you know that no matter what you go through, you know, the Higher Power is concerned about you, and it's concerned about your well being. And that's no matter what you go through, right, And no matter how insignificant you think you are, you're not You're not insignificant.
No, No, I'm so grateful that I got to sit here with you today and hear you say that I took care of the birds and the grass. What makes you think I wouldn't take care of you? Huh? How often do you read the Bible?
I don't, actually, which is why I probably jacked up that verse.
But but I used to. I didn't expect you to say that. Maybe you say that. Okay, so we just have a couple of minutes left. What if what if Jade getting on the right path and taking care of herself isn't about like exercise. What if it's about prayer? What if it's about the Bible? What if it's about reminding yourself that God is with you and taking care of you even in the hard moments. What if we were what if we were just missing the boat altogether.
Maybe it has nothing to do with worldly things, and maybe it has everything to do with spiritual things. I'm just curious. I'm just you know, wondering.
I think it's both. I think, you know, the spiritual part is very important, right, But if I'm not taking care of myself. This is this body that God gave me. It was the only home I'm ever going to have it right here, right If I'm not taking care of that, I mean, that's I just feel like they both kind of serve their purpose.
I completely agree with you, But I guess my point would be, or my wonderment would be, what if the spiritual taking care of Jay leads to the physical taking care of Jay? Right right, It's possible, because it's very different. I mean, even the way you worded that, it's very different. If someone would say, hey, Jay, wake up tomorrow and exercise, that's very different than hey, j wake up and take care of the body God gave you. Those are two
very different things. Yeah, you know what I mean. But I noticed in our comment, like something happens to you when you remember that you're being taken care of, like something I could. There's an energy like a charisma and a smile and like something that something happens to you. I don't know describe it, and I think it's wonderful. I think it's beautiful. I think it's amazing this thing that happens when you sit in that space for a minute.
Because I've never heard you describe your body in that way, like this is the body God gave me. Now you have talked about I need to move more and the basement, but you've never described your body as the only thing you're ever going to like you're only home, and that's
a very different experience. So I just wonder, can we just spend some time between now and the next time we meet of you, like engaging in the spiritual part of your journey and seeing what that does to your experience, Because I believe, very very passionately, even the bad things that happen and the hard things that happen and the challenges we face are part of the experience, and they're part of the journey and there to prepare us for something or to teach us something or to and there
is no such thing as wasted time because it was all part of the journey, right, Yeah, Can we would that be okay? Can we just measure success between now and the next time we talk by how you think about your experience spiritually and we'll let that lead to the physical manifestation of exercising and you know all the other things.
I will work on that over the next week, and.
The next time I talk to you, I'm going to ask you. I want to know. I want to know about your prayers, and I want to know about your relationship with Christ, and I want to know I want to know how you're perceiving your experiences when you start remembering that everything that happens is for the purposes of the journey. It's all a part of the plan. And I and I can't tell you how many times something really bad has happened that I did not understand. And
sometimes it's my fault. I made a stupid, silly decision. Da da da, And then a little while later I was like, Oh, that's why that thing had to happen. So now I don't frint over whether it's a good experience or a bad experience. I just accept it's all part of the plank.
Yeah, I'm trying to get to that that way of thinking.
Well, that's exactly what we asked you the next time we talk.
Okay, all right, thank you.
For Jay and people like Jay. Growth is a challenge, or probably more specifically, a better way to say that is, recognizing your growth is a challenge. When you've had pain, trauma, abandonment, struggles, abuse, tragedy in your past, you have a tendency to be far more aware of your flaws than you are your talents. I don't think I've ever met a person more deserving
of having her strengths recognized than Jay. The woman is incredibly ambitious, incredibly talented, incredibly educated and accomplished, but yet because of her past experiences, she has a tendency to only notice her flaws and failures when she looks at herself. True growth is recognizing the strength in the overcoming rather
than paying too much attention to the struggles themselves. That is the block that Jay is experiencing, and I suspect the block that many people experience in their pursuit of progress. What I want Jay to recognize and so many others is when you start noticing and giving yourself credit for your progress in spite of challenges, you actually feel even better because now you start celebrating not only did I accomplish something, but I accomplish something while there was an
obstacle present. That is the tool, that is the challenge, That is the task that I want all people, including Jay, to recognize, because once you're able to do that, your self esteem, your progress, your growth, and your mental health will all get better. I think a victim mentality is a real thing, but I think people talking about it
and pointing it out is so absent of compassion. If I've had a childhood where there wasn't a lot of cheerleading going on, and there wasn't a lot of support around me, and it seemed like I was experiencing an overfrequent, like an overly frequent amount of pay and struggle. You start feeling like life is happening to you instead of for you, And I think of victim mentality is believing that I don't really have a lot of control over what happens to me. But here's the important thing I
want everybody to hear. There are justifiable reasons for people to believe that. Because if at a very very young age, when you don't have a lot of control over your circumstances, it seemed like you were getting hit with life struggle after life's struggle, then it makes sense that you grow up thinking life is happening to me instead of for me. On the contrary, if you grew up with a lot of praise and support and warmth and love, you develop the ability to a think positively of yourself and b
find opportunities as you navigate through life. But there is a large amount of people that at very important developmental stages, every time they turned around there was trauma, tragedy, abuse, and struggle. How can we possibly anticipate that that person would grow up with an internal locus of control. How could we possibly expect that person to grow up believing that they can just do things, that they could just create things, that they could just make life what they
want it to be. So that is where the victim mentality usually comes from, an overexposure to pain and trauma during very key developmental stages in life, specifically in childhood. So what we have to do is help people to overcome that and realize regardless of your past, regardless of your circumstances, life can still be whatever it is you make it. You can still create a future that you
would be pleased to have. You just have to get into a space where you are healed from what happened to you in the past, and then you'll be able to see opportunity even in your struggle. I think in this session we paid a lot of attention to and focused a lot on faith and God and those sorts of things. Because that's a reference point in Jay's life. It might not be a reference point in everyone's life, and that's okay. I think the reason why is because
therapy needing to be about change. We have to talk about the things in people's lives that they use to drive them towards change. For some people, it's faith and it's God, and it's a desire to live in congruence to your spiritual beliefs. In other people, it might be what your grandmother believes about you, or it might be the thing that drives you most is proving people who have doubted you wrong or proving people who believed in
you right. It doesn't really matter, Like I don't want people to get hung up on The technique in this session was to focus on God. That's not true. The technique in this session was to focus on the things that are strong levers towards change. And in one person it might be living a life of faith and living congruent to your spiritual beliefs, and in another person, it might be working as hard as you possibly can to
prove somebody who believes in you right. So if you don't resonate with a religious or spiritual message, that is perfectly okay. Just think about what are the things that are the strongest drives towards your change in your life life. This is not just a podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by I actually want you to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
the content we consume. What I would like for you to do is come on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that is to just pay attention to the things going on in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
And let us know in the comments what you're noticing in your life as a result of listening to this podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things. I would love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me a text message to nine seven two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Special Thanks to our assistant Glendelle Sepe. It's produced by jac Quise Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S Bisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions you may have.