Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie. During this season, you've heard me ask the same question at the top of each and every episode, which is what has been better since you listened to the previous episode. This is an important question. It's important in my work. I ask all of my clients when they come back to therapy what has been better since the last time we talked? Because it's very important that you shift your focus to the things in your life that are improving,
and all of us have them. No one's life is all good nor all bad. So we have to learn to attend to the good parts of life, the parts of life that we experience as more pleasing and desirable than others, and focus on them. And that's what this question is designed to do. But today is a very special episode because I will be guiding you through a series of questions. So if you could please grab a pen and paper so you can write down your thoughts, or just find a quiet area where you'll be able
to listen uninterrupted. Most of us, by default, we have a tendency to ask ourselves questions that aren't necessarily useful when troubling things happen. For example, if you have something bad happen, like getting fired from your job, we ask ourselves why did this happen? If you have a breakup in a relationship, we ask ourselves, why does this always happen to me? What is wrong with me? How can I keep finding myself in this situation? Those kinds of
questions don't lead us to productive responses. A productive response is a kind of response that leads towards action, increased hope, and things you can control. I was watching a video recently of a former Navy seal. He's now an author and social media influencer by the name of David Goggins, and somebody asked him when he is thinking about quitting, what does he do? He's an ultra marathon or so
he puts his body through remarkable physical tasks. And they asked him, when you're thinking about quitning, what do you do? And he shared, you know, when I'm on a hundred mile run, there are times I think about quitting or stopping. And he said, I asked myself what if? And I was so intrigued by that response because a lot of people ask themselves what if in a negative way, But David Goggins asks himself, what if, in a positive way, what if I don't quit? What if I crossed the
finish line? What if I finished this race? And he said, the answer to that question causes him to take one more step and keep going, and keep going and keep going. That's an example of how you can train your brain to ask useful questions when you're facing a hard circumstance. The beautiful thing about this is all of us can do this, and when we do this, it will drastically increase what you're able to get out of life. And
that really is what my work is all about. The first kind of question I want to ask you is really all about you learning to adopt a new way of thinking. Before I share the kind of questions that you need to be asking yourself, I first want to point out why this is important. As I said a minute ago, we have a tendency to ask ourselves questions
that aren't useful. Those kind of questions are investigative of the problem, but we don't realize that when you investigate the problem, all you learned about is the problem and we become experts on the problem, but that does nothing for your solution. For example, I'll use a personal example, I am currently on a fitness journey. I want to take my health more seriously. I want to get my
weight under control. I want to get some health markers addressed. Now, if I were to ask myself questions like how did I get so far out of shape, I'm just going to learn about the problem. But if I can shift my thinking towards how will I get into shape? Then I learn about the solution. Then I learned about the actions that I can control. I can't control what happened to get me to the circumstance, but I can absolutely
control what happens next. So the first thing you have to do when you're adopting a new way of thinking is to first ask yourself the kind of questions that help you identify what you would like your future to look like. And it sounds like what are my best hopes for my life? This will trigger you to dream and imagine and do all of the things that is beautiful about life. Adulthood is an anti dream experience. When you're a kid, your imagination is powerful and runs wild.
You go outside, you play with your friends, and you pretend to be famous athletes, or you pretend to be you know whatever game you're playing. I remember me and my friends used to pretend we were in the military. We were pretending that we were rambow. We would pretend that we were famous baseball players. And in a way, you're dreaming of a future where those things are your reality. But in adulthood, reality sets in and we stop dreaming. But I think it's really important that you continue the
ability to dream. So I want you to ask yourself, what are my best hopes for my life? What is the version of me that is in line with me functioning at my very best to I firmly believe in the power of envisioning and focusing on the life you desire, rather than dwelling on past obstacles or setbacks. This question is seemingly simple. What do you want? It doesn't need to be complicated. It could be as straightforward as securing your favorite seat at your neighborhood cafe, or something grander
like driving the car of your dreams. What do you want? Take a moment to truly envision yourself achieving that desire, Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions that come with having it. Feel the joy, the excitement, and the satisfaction of obtaining what you desire.
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These questions help you create the life you want to live. These questions help you dream about the life you want to live, and they shift your thinking from problem to actions. The next kind of question I want to talk to you about is being outcome led. Now, a lot of us are led by problems and fears, but I want you to be led by your outcome. I want you to be led by your dreams. I want you to make decisions based upon who you want to be and
the kind of life you want to live. If there's one lesson I've learned more than any other in my years of practicing as a psychotherapist, it's that the people who focus on being led by their outcomes are the
ones who get the most out of life. Using myself as an example, the outcome I want to achieve is increase physical fitness, so that will influence the choices I make throughout the day, what things I eat, what time I eat them, my sleep pattern, my exercise pattern, And I'll be honest with you, I don't want to do any of it. I would much rather eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and not go to the gym And do you know large amounts of cardio and lift weights.
I do it because it's significantly in line with what I'm trying to create. This will trigger your discipline, and discipline is more important than motivation because motive wanes, right, motivation wanes, So on the day when you go see your doctor and the doctor tells you there are all these signs present that let me know as a doctor that you're at risk of having a heart attack or a stroke. When you walk out of the doctor's office, you're so loaded with fear and angst. You're highly motivated.
But after a few days that motivation wanes and people go right back to their old behavior. This is a time and time and time tested thing. But discipline means I'm going to do the activity even while I'm not motivated. I'm going to do the activity even when I don't want to. I'm going to do the activity because the activity needs to be done in order for me to achieve my aim. I went to the gym last night and worked out, not because I wanted to, but because I had to in order to stay in line with
the aim I'm trying to achieve. With the outcome I'm trying to achieve When you focus on an outcome, you trigger your discipline, and the best way to do it is to pay attention to what signs are present that lets you know you're living your life based on your outcome. How would you notice those signs being present? How would your best friend notice? How would your spouse or partner notice? How would your children notice? When you live your life based on an outcome, people see it. They see you
living differently, talking differently, eating differently, exercising differently. They see it, and those are the kind of questions that will help you to do it. So I want to ask you to ask yourself, what would I notice as I started to live my life based upon the outcomes that I want to achieve?
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What sacrifices are needed to create the changes that will lead to the life I want. It's important that these sacrifices aren't overwhelming or drastic. Think of them as manageable adjustments. Consider this, what is the first step? Identify that initial achievable step towards your goal. It's about making small, intentional changes that build momentum and set you on the path to the life you envision. What is your first step? Now,
I want to ask you about discovering your purpose. You know, another really important lesson and that I've learned in my years of practicing as a psychotherapist is people who live in their purpose also tend to get the most out of life. You know, if you live your life without intentionality, life kind of happens to you before you know it. You went to college and majored in something that your parents told you to major in. You got a job that you didn't really want just because everybody told you
it was safe. But you've got to live your life based upon what your purpose is. And there's one simple question that will help you discover what your purpose is, and that is what am I really excited to do today? And I don't mean like an action necessarily, but I mean that thing that literally sets your spirit on fire with enthusiasm. If you want to discover your purpose, you have to follow your enthusiasm because your enthusiasm will always
lead you to what your purpose is. Enthusiasm can't be faked, it can't be pretended. Your enthusiasm will always guide you to what things you are purposeful about. They will always guide you to what things you are built to do. They will always guide you to your purpose for life. Your enthusiasm matters, So ask yourself what am I duced about doing today? I learned early on when I was
in a really dark, difficult place in my life. I was a marine biology major in college, and I realized I'm not living a life that's producing joy or happiness, and I needed to do something about that. And I asked myself, what do I want to to do with my life? And I had come from such a difficult place. I wanted to spend my life in service. I had enthusiasm about trying to help people overcome the kind of
challenges I'd been faced with. And when I realized that was my enthusiasm, I thought about how do I do that. I immediately went and switched my major from marine biology to psychology, and that put me on the paths of becoming a psychotherapist. And I've been enthused every day since. Now. It's not to say every single day was easy, because that's certainly not the case, but it is to say
every single day I woke up with my purpose. And if there was one gift I could give every single person on earth, it would be a gift of their purpose. So ask yourself every day, what am I enthused to do with my life today? And that will always lead you to your purpose. Stood, this is not just a podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't
help but be impacted by the content we consume. So what I would like for you to do is come on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that is to just pay attention to the things going on in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in the comments what you're noticing in your life as a result of listening to this podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things. I would love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and You can also send me a text message to nine seven two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serve solely for educational
and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider aatent relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concern or questions you may have
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