You can heal while in the presence of someone if they are the cause of some of your trauma or turmoil. In fact, in some cases it's ideal. For example, if you are in a couple's relationship and the person is the cause of some of your trauma and difficulty, but yet they also have a tremendous amount of remorse and they want to grow and heal, and they're willing to do healing things to help you get on the other side of your trauma. Another example is if you have
trauma with a particular parent. Not only can it happen, but it's ideal because that parent can actually say and do things to help you heal, and a lot of times they're the only ones who can say and do things to help you heal. So yes, absolutely, you can heal in the presence of someone who has caused you harm, trauma, or turmoil, and in fact, there are lots of opportunities or lots of cases where that is optimal. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie. What's been
better since you listened to the previous episode? You'll notice I ask that question in almost every session beyond the first session. And I'm asking you my audience that question here because I want to shift your focus to the things you enjoy about life as opposed to the things that cause you stress. The purpose of couple's therapy is for two people to get on the same page to create healing, progress, growth, whatever sign of positive in their relationship.
And when people should start considering therapy is when the relationship has become stagnant or unsatisfying to one of or both members. I mean, a couple's therapies is really really great to get people on the same page, working in the same direction to co create the kind of relationship
that they both would experience as satisfying. Today, we're going to spend time working with Jay and David as they work together to rediscover the happiness that they once enjoyed, as they work together to build the kind of relationship that they would both experience as joyous. Well, what is up to two of my favorite people? I'm very excited to get to talk to you guys today, So what are your very best hopes from talking with me?
We actually each other that I don't know.
I'm all open on, open airs, open minded, so let's see. I always walk away good from the session. So let's see what happens today.
What would be the type of thing David that if it happened, you'd be you'd be pleased with it?
Hmm, I don't know.
I got to hear it and see it first. I don't know, Like I have no one thing to pinpoint.
Would you know it if it happened?
Uh?
Probably more than likely.
Okay. And would you be pleased to have something good come of this?
Yes? I will?
Okay. So and so somehow are talking led to something good that'd be a good thing?
Yes? Absolutely?
Okay, Jam?
What about you?
What are you hoping to to get from talking with me here today?
I actually did about this because I was like, I know, who's gonna ask?
No, I wasn't.
I think a good thing to come out of this would be for David and I to learn more about how we can help each other as individuals on different journeys, different paths, learning more about what that looks like for each person.
What what difference would make to you to learn more about how to help one another? Do you think?
I think because we are clearly parents, and if we can help each other, then that means we can be better for our children. So I think it would make a huge difference.
And what different would it make? So I I agree with you, like that'd be great to make a different for how we function as parents. What do you think that would do to how you and David function with one another?
Like?
What differen would that make between your relationship with you and David? Do you think?
Well? I think the difference is the better we are with each other, the better parents we can be, the happier we are, the closer we are to living our best lives, then the better we will be for our children.
Okay, And what do you hope that would do to the dynamic between you and David? You know what I'm asking? You know what I mean? Like, how that impact the relationship between you and David?
I think the impact would be positive. I think I think that's not necessarily how we have functioned most recently. We do help each other, but I think the goal is more like, how can we help each other so that we are, you know, creating a household that is functional. But I think that's different than helping each other as individuals to be better or to reach our personal goals. I think it puts us as individuals at the forefront versus us as parents helping the.
Household, and what would this do to the way you thought about the future of you and David? Do you think?
Well, I think regardless of whether we live together or not, we are bonded together forever, as you know, mother and father to beautiful children. So the better we can assist each other is just you know, if we're both winning, then our children are more likely to win.
Dutch And by the way, I don't think I've asked either of you this, but in your relationship, have you guys ever ever gone to see a couples therapists?
M hm, yep?
How many times?
I think we had like one and a half.
Like one and a half sessions.
The first time we went was twenty and nineteen, and I don't know, we probably did what four or five if that, and then we wasn't really feeling her. And then the second most recent one was only what two sessions? One session, I don't know, one two.
Yeah, Well, I'm really excited to talk to the two of you. David, what's your favorite thing about Jalen? Like, no one's perfect, so I imagine they're probably thinks about her. You'd hope she changed or whatever, But like, what is what is your favorite thing about her? Like the thing about her you hope she never ever changes.
She recognizes like the good in you.
She's very encouraging when you might have some doubt, like she's not real rob Rock, like you know, it's just the way she said things in this that like I okay, cool, Yeah.
So I think one of the things is like she recognizes things in you that you probably won't see in yourself or you do know, but you're not putting it to the front foor and she and she'll say that, and she'll tell you that, and it just the way she say it, Like I always say, like whatever, no matter how loud it is or whatever, I can always hear her talking like and she won't even be loud, Like she won't even be loud.
She'll just be.
Baby or David or something like that, and it's just like everything else just goes mute and that's the only voice I hear.
So I think that that's one of the things I.
Really really really really like about I had a look over time in certain situations and things. I think that's the one that tops all up and.
Gotcha okay, And Jalen, what about you? What's your favorite thing about David? And again, he's He's very much not perfect, and I'm sure there are things about him you'd like to change. But what's the thing about him you enjoy the most.
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that he is fun. He can bring kind of humor and a good time to wherever he is and whoever he's around. So I can be very serious, so he knows how to kind of lighten the mood and help you kind of forget about the things that are stressing you out and just bring some type of positive energy and know, just good heartedness.
That's excellent. And how did the two of you meet?
He stepped on my foot in a club.
You are telling me, I.
Am, And he wears a size thirteen. So that is the story. We was at a club. I was with his cousin. I had just came home from Afghanistan like a month prior, maybe a little a little over a month prior, and he was drunk and he stepped on my foot. Yeah, he was a little he was feeling it. She stepped on and was very apologetic, and I was just like, it's all good. You know, I'm cool, but he was very, very apologetic, and he asked to massage my foot for.
Me right there in the club.
Yep, h yeah, and he did. He did it.
He took the I did.
I did, of course. He asked me for my phone number and I said no, and he called his cousin when we were on our way home and asked to speak to me and asked me for my number again, and I said that I would take his number. I think I took his number, and I wasn't expecting to contact him, but I wasn't back at work yet. I was kind of bored. I just came home, so I ended up texting him and m kind of hit it off from there.
Can I pause you for a second? Why why would you say no? When he first said can every phone number? You said, I said no? How come?
Because I didn't like that he was like tipsy and I didn't want to. I don't know, like it was like our first interaction and you're not even sober, So do you really want my phone number? Or do you just you know, just kind of going with the situation. So that was that, and then also I was kind of not in the best headspace after my deployment, So I wasn't really looking to date anybody or anything like that. So that's pretty much it.
So then you took his number. You didn't even expect to use it necessarily, and then you were weren't working yet board and you texted him and then you said we hit it off from there? How could you tell you were hitting it off?
Well, we talked on the phone a little bit, text a little bit. He asked to take me out and I agreed that he could, that we could meet up at a park, and when we're at the park, we had, you know, a really good conversation. And then after the park, we went to the movies and then after that we went.
Out to me Oh yeah, we went to the movie.
We ate first and then we went to the movie. So we kind of ended up being together that whole day. You know, it was a good vibe and the energy was good, so we just we clicked a little bit.
David, why why pursue her?
I mean when I saw that night, I mean, Jalen was very attractive. She's an attractive woman, and I never saw her before and it's crazy, like I never knew who she was. And we both from the same city and got some of the same friends, and she's good friends with my cousin. I ain't know who she was, so, you know, like like she said, I was a little tipsy.
I think.
When I first stepped on her foot. When I stepped on her foot, I was like, I'm just gonna go for it. Okay, she tell me noa not, I'm just gonna go for it. And I just went for it, you know.
And then.
When she called me, I responded back and we just had good conversation at the park. So I had to let her see the sober like I am a smart individual, I'm a nice guy, and you know I can't be funny at times, and da da da da da da, And then you know, we just hit it off from there.
That was basically what it was.
David. How did you know you were hitting it off? Like what were the signs to you?
She was smiling, she was being responsive, not giving me uh like yes, no answers, you know, and not like if I took a shot or like you know, if I say, if I said something she had come back at me and.
Blah blah blah, and then it was It's good.
Was just a good vibe and energy. It was just good vibing and energy. You know, like when you're sitting there with.
Somebody, the vibing good.
They ain't being responsible, like, man, I'm out now, I'm good. You would have made up something you have absolutely nothing to do. You would have made up something like I got to go home, take my dog out for a walk or something. Yeah, but that wasn't the case, you know. Yeah, and I don't even have a dog. So after we I like, I'm gonna be honest with you. When she said let's me got the park, I was like.
What militant me at the park? Like I ain't no weirdo. But I took it and run with it.
Yeah, because I never had that, like we're gonna meet at a park, a public place like out in the open.
I was like a cool like I was with it.
I was with it, and the energy and the vibe was good. We both wasn't doing nothing, you know what I'm saying. I wasn't working at the time, She wasn't working at the time, or whatever the case may be. But we was having a good time. We definitely was. And we just took it from there. For you to meet somebody at the park at one or two o'clock in the afternoon and be with them until two o'clock in the morning.
Like something had been going right.
And how long did it take to two of you to turn this initial meeting where we're vibing and kind of clicking a little bit, How long did it take to two of you to turn this into a relationship?
She threatened my life the day of the not even the day, the minutes leading up into my cousin's surprise birthday party.
Your life.
You're not threaten, she said. Listen, she said, listen, I'm not going to this party to meet all your family that you've been talking about. And you got a big family, and I ain't your woman. I said, what you mean? Like like you, I'm a lady.
Like no, we got to make it official. I'm not playing, I'm not going. Already told everybody you coming, I'll get back in the car. So it was that November.
Twentieth, I think it was.
Yeah, my cousin she was surprised all black birthday party, and that's when she met all my family.
Were you literally like walking into the party Dayleen said.
This, Yeah, we was in the car, she said something. Then when we was walking in. She's like, I'm serious. I was like, oh, okay, now, yeah, so she was serious.
So we met in August, the end of August, and then I guess it was official.
August third, No, we met August third, my brother birthday party August third.
Yeah, and then the end, like the middle to the end of November.
November four, Thanksgiving.
Jalen, why would you want to be his partner? Like officially? Like what was making you want that to be the case?
Well, because we have been spending a lot of time together one on one, and it just felt like, Okay, if I'm going to go meet all these people, I don't want to meet them as your friend, Like I think we're a little past the point of being friends. So you know, let's go ahead and put put a name on it. This is if this is what you want to do, Like I don't have to meet them tonight, but if this is what you want to do, then you're gonna, you know, put some respect on my name and call me what I am.
But also too though, if my family was here, they'll tell you, I don't bring unless you my lady like my woman, I don't bring you around my family like that.
But everybody was there, everybody, so I knew it in my head. I just had to say it out loud.
Why were you comfortable? What was it about Jane that was letting you comfortable to meet all your family?
Because I did like, like she said, we spent a lot of time like after that initial interaction and then after the part, we spent a lot of their time together, like a lot like the rest of the summer going into the fall, just hanging out with each other. So it was I was like, and then one of my best friends said it like he said, he said, Dave, because they call me Debo. He was like, Deebo, I ain't never seen you act like that with no female.
He said, that's gonna be your lady. Watch that's exactly what he's saying, even knowing me since I was ten years old, he said, that's gonna be your lady, right, yeah, because he saw.
It like over the phone or I don't know if.
He saw like the bubbly like you know what I mean, smiling all the time and things of that nature, though, but I just felt it. I just had to say it. I could have said it in October. Yeah, I ain't have to wait to November. Yeah, I just felt it. I just felt something about Jay, like, yeah, this is the one I wanted to be my lady.
Yeah I was.
I was just about to ask you, like, what was your friend noticing? But then you said like smiling and bubbly and stuff like that, and just was that unusual for you?
Yeah, that's unusual. Yeah, especially for him to see it. Like, and we were just hanging out. He's sitting on his couch and you know, Jay law and I got up and used the phone, that stepped into the kitchen real quick, and then I came back and that's the first thing that came out of his mouth.
He said, that's gonna be a lady, watch I tell you.
And this fight was like September, he said, before the money over with, because he's been hearing like we've been hanging out and I've been telling him like, nah me and jam we did this, now were about to go do this now. I was just dang when he was at last night. Now, I was just chilling with Jay, chilling, was on the porch, just hanging out. He was like, oh, I right, yeah, so you know mm hmm.
JA, could you tell you were making him happy? In that way back then, because he.
Wouldn't leave me alone. He called me every day.
How how did it impact you to know you were having an impact on him in that way?
I mean we were happy, were you know, always smiling, having a good time, learning about each other, you know, our goals and all of that stuff. Like I never felt like he was not comfortable sharing things with me and telling me about hisself. And you know, it was it was, it was. It was positive. He was happy. He seemed happy at least, And that's how I could tell.
Hmm if you woke up tomorrow and that happiness was back, how would each of you notice it?
Mm hm hmmm.
I guess we'd probably be wanting to spend more time together, like, you know, looking for ways to enjoy each other's time. You know, I think that would be one way. I don't think we really do that now. It's kind of like he does his thing, I do my thing.
Hey, Hey, Jaylen, you just said something like we would want to spend time together. Is that what you said? Is that what I heard?
Yeah?
Forget David for a second, Like, how would you become aware that I'm interested in spending time with him?
Like?
What would you notice about Jay That would tell you something is changed and I'm interested in spending time with him.
And guess how it would be excited to come up with things to do with him.
If you notice that excitement, would you be a lot surprised or a little surprised.
I'd be pretty surprised.
You'd be pretty surprised. Okay, what type of things would you be thinking about wanting to do with David?
Uh?
Maybe maybe go to the gun range, maybe go to the go work out, like, maybe try out in the gym or something. I mean, we go to restaurants every now and then, so that's not really like it's cool, but it's not like something I get like super excited about. So maybe I don't know, I guess trying something that's a little bit out of our norm, like a weekend trip somewhere.
Where would you where would you be thinking about going on a weekend trip?
I saw this, Uh this, I think it was upstate New York. I can't remember exactly where it was, but it was like this cabin place in the woods that had like a hot tub and this beautiful view of the skyline and the trees and things like that. I
would have to look up the name. But when I saw it, I was like, man, that looks like a really cool place to be where It's like, you know, you can go places anywhere, really, but someplace that allows you to have less distractions and kind of just focus on the person you're with, Like that would be cool?
And again, how surprised would you be to be thinking about, Man, I want to go to a place with David where I have less distractions just so I can focus on the person I'm with.
I mean, it hasn't been a thought recently.
So would it be a big surprise or a little surprise?
Say a big one?
A big one? How would you first let David know you were having these thoughts? Just David?
I mean I would just tell him.
Would you call him? Would you text him?
Like?
How would you first let him know?
I would text? Yeah, I will probably text David.
If you introject one more time.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, you said you would text, yes, how would the text be written or like? How would you make sure David received the text as this version of you?
I would just say I'm really excited. I found this place is really cool.
I love to go with you.
Okay, David, would you know that this was like I hate to say, like the old version of David. Would you know that like this is the old version.
Well, the old version as far as what like the excitement like.
The previous version.
Yeah, yeah, I think it's yeah, I'll say yes to that.
But if she likes stuff like that, she like being out in the.
Nature and you know, beautiful vibes and like views and stuff like that, So it went in as far as the place went and shocked me as much, but it would definitely be you know, I know that's something an older version of I mean, the previous version. As far as I get a text like that, I'm like, okay, what's going on? And I and knowing me as soon as she texted me, I was gonna call anything. I'm gonna call it anyway. I ain't gonna sit there and text back or if I'm busy, I'm like cool, that
looks dope, and then call it later regardless. So and then we'll have to talk about it and see try to make it happen.
And how would she know that the previous version of Day is calling her?
Like?
What would she notice that would tell her, this is the like, this is the David I vibe with. This is the David that I click a little bit with, Like, how would she know with the previous version of David is one calling her?
I mean, first you'll have to see changes change in me first, then she'll know, like is this not gonna just come to that? It would have to be some changes done by me?
And well, I mean that's true, but kind of not true. Let me give you an example what I mean by that. M Have you ever like just watched your son like wake up and been like, oh, there's gonna be a tough day, Like something about the tone or the you know what I mean, Like something is telling you like there's gonna be a tough day or a great day. Like sometimes we can we can notice things because I can see something in you just in the way you
talking or walking or moving. So I guess my question would be, how would je like this is the version of David that I really enjoy?
I don't know.
Tough question, I really don't. I don't know.
Maybe if I initiated it or something, I don't know. M I mean I pretty much I walked the same. Maybe my attitude would be a little different, smiling a little bit more.
I don't want in what way? What what would the attitude be that Jalen would notice and say this is the version of him.
I mean.
A lot of my attitude now is just as because of a lot of stuff that's just going on. So if I know how to channel that and put that to this side and just you know, she remained positive and upbeat.
I think you know what I'm saying.
I think should should should notice that, you know, the excitement in my voice or in my face or something like that. I think that's what she'll notice more first, in my opinion.
What difference do you think that would make to her to see that version of you?
I think it'll make a big difference. I think, you know, it brings a little bit.
Of more joy, some more joy that she needs in her life.
Uh.
I think I think it helped jailing out a lot. If she sees that version of me again, I really do she deserves it?
And how how would you know she saw it? What would be your first clue that she saw it.
The way she responds, you know, the conversation, the conversation would be a little different, that would be the first Like I'm pretty good at responding the way people respond back and how they feel in and you know, by the way they respond I think that'll be the first tell tale sign and then the response to go into a conversation and you know.
Man probably hugging the kiss or something.
Would would you be happy that she noticed this version of you?
David?
Yes, I will, because it would it make me happy, Like like I said, I said this before too, you know, like I get joy on seeing happiness.
Jay in my kids' faces. Like that brings joy to me too.
So you know, if I if I could do something to get that joy back or do things or change, then you.
Know, that'll definitely bring a lot of joy to me myself. To see the joy on her face.
How would you let her know you were experiencing joy because it was joy on her face?
David, I'm I probably. I mean, I don't know if I would say anything.
That's usually not like my thing, like you know, but you know, I think she'll probably notice because she'll deceive me, like the way I'm just acting and you know, and upbeat and you know, just involved in detail, like you know, just paying attention and things of that nature, like I'm not the one to be like, you know what, I will do it, but that's just not me. Like, you know what, that's I'm happy that you're happy or something
like that. I don't say that enough. I don't say that a lot, but It'll been times when I see the joy on my jayface and my kids face and I'm just smiling, ear and ear, like you know what I'm saying, because it's like, that's what's up. I'm glad they jo I'm glad they're happy and feeling good. That makes me feel good.
So you know, And you said you said you don't you don't say that enough? Did I catch you say? Did I hear you?
Yeah?
I'm gonna be honest, I don't. I don't say what do you think?
Right right? You think it, but it doesn't come out mm hmm. What do you think it would do to Jaylen to know that there's this guy in her life that that really experiences joy when she is happy? What do you think that would do to her?
I think that will uh probably bring some clarity to some stuff.
It would be something different because I usually don't express stuff like that, but I think it will make her feel good that I'm not just thinking it that I actually verbally said it.
Jim, how would you respond to hearing him say that that I bring joy to him? Yeah, that he has joy just from seeing you happy?
I would repine, probably surprised.
Would you be pleased about it?
Yeah?
And how would you said surprised? Would it be a good surprise? I'm guessing.
Yeah, I mean it would be just like, oh wow, I never heard you say that before, so it wasn't even a thing. I didn't even know it was a thing. So cool.
How would you let him know you were happy about it?
I don't know. I don't even know if I would be initially happy about it, because I would be surprised, and I would probably question it.
Gotcha? Really? Me? Sure?
So you might be so surprised you'd be like really, yeah, would you say that to him? Do you think are you the type of person that might say that to him?
Yeah?
Okay, So, Jane, this is a super important question. Even while surprised, and even though you're saying things to him like really, how might you communicate to him that I want this to stay? Like I'm questioning this. I'm not sure what you're up to or why you're doing it. But I want this kind of communication to stay. How would you let him know that?
I would just tell him.
You would just come out and tell him. And does that feel like who Jane really is, Like she's the type of person that would just come out and say that, Yeah, okay. Another really important question is how would you say that to him in a way he would hear it as like you're rooting for him as opposed to criticizing him.
You know what I mean? Right?
I think that would be the challenge is to say it in a way that he receives it positively, because I would want him to receive it positively. But if i'm if I have doubt in my head, it may not come out that way. So I would want to try to telor it in a way that was, you know, thoughtful.
And how would you do that?
Can you?
Can you give me an example, like I so appreciate you would say that like if I had doubt, it might come out in a different way, but I might have to tailor it so it came out thoughtful. How would how would you do that so he heard this as like rooting for you, supportive as opposed to like critical.
I guess I would just say I'm surprised that you're saying this, but whatever I can do to keep it coming, let me know because I like it.
Because I like it, And David, would that be unusual to hear? Would that be the kind unusual thing to hear? Yeah?
Yeah from Jay? No?
No, you would recognize this as like, this is the real.
Jay either way is the real.
One thing about her, she's gonna say what she's gonna say, right, that's one thing she's not gonna She's gonna say what she gonna say. And if if it comes off wrong and you let her know, she'll say, my bad, But I said what I said, right, But for her to say like, she doesn't have to make it too complex or whatever. But if she say it and she's smiling from heir to ear, I know it's you know, I'm like,
all right, Okay, I hear you. I got you, all right, And I won't take it Noway, Like that's positive right there, right, because she she like it. She wants me to continue to keep communicating it like that. So that's that's what I gotta do. Yeah, So I'll take that, give behind five a kiss and a hug.
And would that be unusual for you guys to communicate like this.
Yeah, well, I.
Guess both of you and yes, David, Now like in this current time, would that be unusual if you guys in this way, Jane, I see you nodded. Would would you agree that would be unusual?
M Yeah, okay.
Can I tell you why that is such an important thing you guys just described. When we started this conversation, I asked you, uh, and you you predicted the question I would ask you. And I'm kind of mad at you. Ever have somebody saying like quick acting like you know, somebody like you came in here knowing I was gonna ask him. That's okay, I'll live with it. But your answer was we want to like help one another, like I want to learn how to help another r Do you remember saying that?
Yes?
And you know who knows what it will do to the future, what will do to life. But what I love so much about what you said was like, regardless, we're kind of bound together because of these kiddos. And I had never talked to the two of you about your history. I didn't know how you got together. David being a former NFL player and step in on her foot is maybe the funniest thing I've ever heard. But you know, when life happens and we start experiencing problems,
we actually stop exchanging happiness. And when the relationship gets started, we're very good at exchanging happiness, Like I'll say things like, you know, and I really liked it when you did X, Y Z, or I really liked it when you did A B or C.
Thing like.
We're very good at exchanging happiness. But when life happens, you know, you got kids, and you got rent, and you got a job, and you got taxes and you got just things to do, we end up talking about problems way more than we talk about happiness. We end up talking about priorities like who's gonna take the kids to such and such appointment? And who's gonna sweep the floor, and who's gonna you know, we end up talking about
life instead of happiness. And what I really enjoyed about this conversation today is like David and Jaber two happy, witty, funny people, And I think when you guys are at your best, you're exchanging signs of happiness. And I think more recently, life has happened and we're doing that less and less, so no matter what happens, Like, if we're gonna be good for each other and good for these children, you're gonna have to redevelop the habit of exchanging happiness.
So like, like, David, I want you to I want you to verbally tell her because to be honest with you, and Jay didn't say this, and jaylynf I'm wrong. Feel free to yell at me, but I'll bet you I'd be willing to bet you that somewhere along the way Jay forgot whether or not she's important to you. I would be willing to bet that somewhere along the way
she felt less of a priority. And when you say things like I get joy from making you happy, the reason she said I would doubt it at first is because I think it would scare her to trust that feeling, because I think that's something that would really really make her feel good. Is it okay? If I say all that, Jay does that does that make sense? Okay? So David, I need you to remind her that you being happy makes me happy, like you being happy brings me joy.
You being happy is important to me because I think that's always been true. David, I want to be clear. I don't think that's never not been true, but I think I think Jay's brain and heart haven't heard it, and over the course of time, she starts wondering is it true? And that becomes a very hurtful thing. And it's very hard to be in relationship with someone that you don't think experiences happiness through you. Does that make sense, David,
is that something you think you could do? And you you know, I've talked to David a couple of times, and I don't know that you know how much you matter to this person, and how much your mood to this person, and how much when your mood is negative and down and maybe even justifiably so, like I am not criticizing your mood, but I am saying you being his supporter and encourager really matters to him. It lifts
him up. I think he's stronger because of you, and I want you to remember that because if the two things are true, he likes it when you're happy and that brings him joy, then I want you to always let him know when you're happy so that that can lift him up and drive him. And now we'll have a relationship where Jayleen and David are exchanging happiness fluently, and there is no possible way your relationship won't become stronger when that's happening. What do you think about that?
Yeah?
I think that's cool, but I feel like, how do you? How do you do that when there's a lot of negative things?
I am so glad you asked that question because I want you to remember, no person is all good or all bad. So even while there's a lot of negative stuff happening, it's my job to see the good and accentuate it because that's what I want more of. On David's worst day, he's got some good in the same way that on David's best day he's got some bad. Your job is to find the good and accentuate it because that's what drives him. And we've tried talking about
the negative things long enough. I just want you to try it this way between now and the next time we meet and see the difference it makes between the two of you. Okay, And can I ask you one more thing? Both of you, one more thing? Because I need to point this out to you. Do you guys know how rare it is that you will ask a person on a first date. In this case, David asked Jayden on a first date. The thing she suggested was
to go to the park. Do you know how rare it is that you will go to do that and hit it off? And David said, we spent the whole day together. Most people, I mean, think about how many people if I told you got to go sit on a park bench with this other person, Think about how many people you'd want to, like choke to get out of that situation. You guys went to the park, and then you went to a sushi lounge, and then you went to a movie. You spent the entire day together.
That's who David and Jane are. Because not everybody can do that, right, That's a special thing you told me. When you said it, I was like, what, most people can't just hang out like that? And then I asked you. I was specific. I said, how long did it take you guys to turn this into relationship? And you both said we spent a ton of time together, so much time together that David's friend who's known him since was ten, noticed the change in him, like, hey man, this is
gonna be your lady. That's who David and Jaylen are. I think you have forgotten and I think negative things have happened, and I think life has happened. But that's who David and Jaylen are. My job is to remind you of that, And the best way I can think to do that is, I want you, guys to plan a date. I want you to plan to spend time
together doing something that is not at a restaurant. And during this time you spend together, you're not allowed to talk about the children, past problems, or anything that's about adult responsibility. You just have to talk like two people who enjoy each other's company, company and happiness. Because I think that has been true since the very first date.
You just forgot And the only way to remind yourselves of that is to spend time around one another and not talk about adulthood and children and responsibilities or past problems. Just remember that who David is in his essence is someone I actually really like, and who Jaylen is in her essence is someone I actually really like. I don't think we've done that enough. Actually, I think we spend too much time talking about life and problems and difficulties
and frustrations. But there's so much, there's so much clicking between the two of you that's not being nurtured, and I want to help you nurture that. Can I ask you guys to.
Do that, as long as we're not going to a restaurant.
No restaurant. No restaurant, but Jada, I'm actually more concerned about gun rangers.
But oh no, we're both official.
No, No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But no restaurant. I want you to go do something. You guys can just vibe and click and remember, Oh my gosh, I really like this person. I just forgot because for so many years we've we've been dealing with difficulties and talking about difficulties and expressing frustration. We got to get back to expressing joy and happiness. Okay, but no restaurant. I'm on board.
Unless they have dancing to dance or something like that.
Okay, do you both dance, Jayalen, don't don't let them step on your foot again, though, if you're gonna go dance with it.
Yeah, I've learned how to navigate around Google.
I can't dance, but I will dance.
I can't dance and I won't dance, but okay, I'm okay with that exception, as long as you guys stay after the meal to dance.
Okay.
The only exception to a restaurant is if it includes dancing. Other than that, no restaurant. And I want you to do this before we meet next time because I need to ask you some questions about what it's like to reconnect on who David and Jade actually are.
Yes, sir, so before we meet next time next week.
It doesn't matter to me if it lasts ten minutes or ten hours. I don't care.
Okay, the only thing he's thinking about is the super bowling. But we gonna figure it out, thank you, Jay, all.
Right, Yeah, we'll figure it out.
You know, if I could say a word to Jay and David or anyone who finds themselves in a relationship similar to where we met, Jay and I would say life should be lived. Adulthood is really difficult because we end up focusing on like tasks, paying bills, child rearing, going to work, and we forget that like life is supposed to be lived. There should be fun, excitement, humor. Things should be happening in life that cause you excitement. So yes, like you got to heal and difficult and
bad things are going to happen. But the most important thing in life and certainly in relationships, is making sure you are living, making sure you are spending time being active, making sure you are spending time being a whole person and not just being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood.
If you are in a relationship that is not working, the first question I want you to ask yourself is what could you do differently to have an impact on the satisfaction of that relationship without even including your partner. For example, if you're in a relationship and you're feeling very stagnant it's not working, could you ask that partner out on a date night. Could you do something to make your partner smile? Could you present them with a gift?
Could you do a chore for them that you know really matters?
Like?
What action could you take to make a difference?
Now?
If you find yourself showing up and doing those things often and nothing seems to be creating change and there's nothing going on differently in the relationship in spite of your attempts, then that's the first clue or indicator that the relationship you're in might not be healthy. And I'd like you to.
Assess that.
This is not just a podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume. So what I would like for you to do is come on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that is to just pay attention to the things going on in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in the comments what you're noticing in your life as a result of listening to this podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things. I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also say me a text message to nine seventy two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast
Network special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack Quish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
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