A Possibility For Healing

and receive guidance. Attendees can expect a safe and supportive environment where we'll engage in open, honest conversations. Whether you're facing personal challenges or seeking to strengthen family bonds, this event is for you. Please note participation is on a first come, first serve basis, so be sure to arrive early and engage respectfully. If you're interested in joining a guided conversation with me, send a direct message or DM to The Black Effect and confirm your participation. I think

what people should expect from therapy is healing and change. However, I think what people often go into therapy expecting is education. So, for example, if I have a behavior in my life, and let's just say addiction. We go to therapy because I'd like to find out why I engage in this addiction activity. But the truth is, knowing why something exists does not do anything to help create healing or change. A healing journey that leads towards change is very different

than simply trying to figure out why something happens. So what should people expect when they go into therapy? Healing from difficult things that have happened in our lives, past traumas, relationships, ending, grief and loss issues or whatever, and the type of healing that will lead towards change, but not just any change, but the kinds of change that will help us to

create our desired life. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliot Khani, and as usual, I'm going to start off by asking you a question that will help shift your focus from the difficulties of life to the pleasures of life, which is exactly the journey that I like to take my clients on, including the family featured in this podcast. So I'd like you to think about what's been better since you listened to the previous episode. So, what are some symptoms of depression? And how can we

combat them. The most common symptom of depression is when things you previously have had an interest in no longer sound interesting and you no longer engage in them. I think, looking back on my childhood, the first sign that depression was showing up. I was about ten years old and I loved going to movies, absolutely loved it. And my father, who lived away from the home. I lived in the

house with my mother and two brothers. My father, who also looking back, I realized was the root of my depression, was coming to get my brothers and I. Who's going to take us to a movie? And I don't remember the movie, but I remember it was a kind of movie I would have wanted to see. And like I said, I as a young kid, I loved watching movies, but I didn't want to go, and I told my brothers I don't feel like going. I told my father I

don't feel like going. He left me there alone in the house, and I just laid on the can out doing nothing in my state of depression. That is probably the single most common symptom that shows up when you are struggling with depression, When there is an activity that you otherwise would have enjoyed, but now you don't want to. So how do we combat that? I want to be very very clear about this. Depression does not like activity,

So how do we combat that. There are two things that are very effective towards combating the symptoms of depression. Number one, don't not go to the activities that you would have otherwise enjoyed because you don't feel like going, go because you know you need it. Looking back, I wish I had gone to that movie. I wish my siblings or parents had made me go. Because depression does not like activity. So even though you might be sitting at the house and a friend will call and say, hey,

we're all going to meet it Applebee's. You want to come join us, and you might be thinking, I don't even feel like going, but you need to go because that actually begins to subside the symptoms of depression, because depression does not like activity. The other thing that we should do to combat depression is exercise. Exercise releases natural

endorphins in your body, in particular cardiovascular exercise. There's a lot of research that says if you can do twenty minutes of cardiovascular exercise three times a week, it will significantly reduce your experience of anxiety and depression, because anxiety and depression don't like activity, they don't like movement, and your body really likes movement and really really likes activity.

So when you get out and you run again, in particular cardiovascular exercise, and you start moving around, your body releases dopamine, nor epinephrin, serotonin, all of those real good chemicals in your body, all of those feel good chemicals in your body. Your body starts to release them and

you start to feel good. And this is a really important thing because obviously, if you're depressed because of some sort of circumstance that's going on in your life, just because you went on a twenty minute run, it doesn't make that circumstance go away, but it makes you more resilient to deal with it because you're dealing with it without the symptoms of depression being present. So those two

things I want everybody to hear. When you're feeling symptoms of depression, it's usually going to take away your desire to do things you would otherwise have enjoyed doing. Make sure you stay engaged in those things. Make sure you stay engaged with the people that you like and introduce exercise into your routine. I think very often we hold exercise only for like weight loss journeys, or only for my doctor said I've got a heart issue, so I've got to walk ten thousand steps a day or whatever.

But exercise is actually one of the greatest weapons to address mental health issues. It's one of the best things you can do for your brain and for you your mental health. And you should introduce exercise into your lifestyle simply for the mental health benefits. Taking a responsibility for your mistakes shows maturity and a willingness to change. This accountability brings Freddy one step closer to the life he wants,

but he lacks the discipline to stay persistent. This week's session highlights a conversation with Freddie after making his first attempts to contact his estranged son. Although his son was not interested in speaking with him, Freddie shares what he learned from his efforts. Freddie, what's been better since we last met?

of it. Or or if he has a real negative response, you know, I said, I call you better when you uh, when when you're feeling better, you get a better chance. So actually we didn't even talk like he said he said, uh, he acts like he didn't know what number.

with his son on the steady basis. Now they communicate communicating it now, So I think that kind of like you know, broke the ice a little bit more too, you know what I'm saying, because like he was, he was extremely upset with his son, so like, uh I think it kind of like mailed him down a little bit, you know what I mean, Like if he you know, he forgave his son, so you know, he used to

forgive me too, you know what I mean. You know, I don't think the gravity of well, you know, I can't really compare the gravity of both situations because they different, you know, but they still like in a forgiveness state, you know what I mean.

this is such an important first step. How do you know you can take the second step? What do you how how do you know you can you can do it again?

the third time, that's gonna be the fourth time. You know, I'm gonna break them down, you know what I mean. Sooner or later, you know I'm gonna break them down. Man, you know, because like you know, the world survived by family, you know what I mean? You know, the existence of life is family, you know what I mean. And you don't got you know, you don't have Uh, you're not in front with your family. It's a broken vessel, you

know what I mean, You're roping vessel. So, uh, why that statement I'm saying, like, you know, I'm never gonna give in. I'm never gonna give up. So no matter how it comes, even if he's respect disrespectful, cursing, aby or whatever, it's something, it's a conversation, you know what I mean. I said, Okay, we had a conversation. You know, we got to that point, you know what I mean.

So the next point, he ain't gonna keep cursing and cursing and cursing sooner, Len say, well, dang, you know, Pop Pop keep pushing and keep pushing, so he's gonna give in, you know what I mean. You don't have to give in. You know.

let's get him a different Uh. I look on the picture, you know what I mean?

a stronger effort to renite renite being him together. You know, m.

was the whole nine right. So it broke down like after this four or five months, so I stayed at the driveway. So I came home for school one day and it was gone. I said, the pop with a car. So I put it in a shop for you. I said, I cool, thanks, like thanks thanks, So you know when got it. A couple of months later, it broke down again. It stayed in the driveway about two or three weeks. So I came home again and it was gone. So my first assumption that he put in a shot for me,

So I said, pop with a car? He said, he said son. There's one thing to have a car, and there's another thing to be able to afford one. And he had sold a car on me, and that kind of like deva you know at the time. But at the time, like you know, I wasn't working, you know, you know, anything like that. But I realized emphasis he was trying to, you know, put on me, you know what I mean. Uh, And then you know, he sold a car, and like I guess, I don't know, maybe

three or four months later, he gave me another car. Hey, he gave me, uh, he gave me a nineteen seventy to brew uh, the Saber convertible with a four fifty five him me in it. Oh it was white on white. Uh. One thing about my pops, he would get a car and do it inside and out, you know what I mean. So everywhere I went with that car, somebody offered to

buy it from, you know. So I guess that kind of like that's what I'm saying, Like to me, my father was my hero because like you know, it was the guy that I always looked up to, no matter what, you know what I mean. And and I was and I was like I was a bad kid man when I go look at back at my you know how I grew up. I was a bad kid, you know, as far as like I was always fighting in school. My parents always coming was coming to school to uh

get me cause I was always fighting. It was this guy named mister he was a tune officer back to that. Back then they had tune officers. And he was like six four maybe three hundred pounds and black as I don't know what, and and he's my parents should take to mister bradfit right, And he suspeked me, you know what I mean. And the first time he had he had this big old paddle and he and he popped me with it. And I ain't cry. He popped me. Gain ain't crist so you ain't gonna cry. So he

popped me, little heart. I started crying, right.

know what I mean. And and I think once I got through that few years of rebellion as far as like being violent and all that kind of stuff, Uh, that's when I kind of like, I think, that's when I met their mother, you know what I mean. Uh, And she kind of like mellowed me down a little bit, you know what I mean, because like we're starting the family, you know, and with you know, got our first apartment.

So that melowed me down a little bit. And I started, you know, I started like i'ma be like I'm gonna raise my kids like my father raised us, you know what I mean, and try to you know, repeat I have a brutiful childhood, Like I had a beautiful childhood. So so you immolate your father, you know, all your life. So I think, uh, that's what Tisen does, you know

what I mean? Because like sometimes I could be stubborn this hell too, you know what I mean, And sometimes he could be stubborn, and you know, and uh, now it's responsive to things, you know. So I just think, you know, I just got to keep uh chipping away at him, you know what I mean. As long as I keep chipping away at him sooner or later, I'm gonna chip that piece off that's gonna open up his heart for him, of course, you know I'm coming station.

What difference do you think is gonna make for decision when he when he realizes that, I think is.

on no matter what. What's the situation is? If he's stuck on the highway two o'clock in the morning, you know what I mean, it's my friend. You know. If I call my friend, come get me. Oh, come fix me up, you know, come help me out. You know, I don't know if he found somebody like that, you know, I hope he has. You know that that would be a good thing. Uh, But I don't think that nobody would lay any life on the line for him, like the way I would.

you know. And then and I have factor that into what I'm what I'm gonna present and in the for right riting place. So I believe that this bi us, you know, having a conversation about situations, and we're figuring out what what you know, uh, what what plan we could make too? Uh to attack to attack the problem? Uh. That's making substantial impact on me.

life is. It's like like I think his life is it's going place as far as all all the things that he's trying to accomplish, but there's still a missing link, you know what I mean. And and I think that missing link is between between me and him, our relationship. And I do believe that when when all the links are strongly can elected, the change is a whole lot stronger, you know what I mean.

bad as it was yesterday. But it was a little rough today too. But I think only because of that because we had a few, uh a few Like that's crazy, because like the lady uh called called the officers. She smelled gas, and she been calling for like almost a week or so. So she said, uh, every time she opened the door, she can smell the gas. You know, she opened her front door, she can smell it. So by the time uh maiden has come there, the smell of been the you know, you know, eparticipated I went

away or whatever, you know what I mean. So I told her, lady, I said, listen, I said, when you first come home, called me, so that way, when I'll be right there when you open the door. And she opened that door. I was like, whoa, I smelled it because I went there a couple of times. I was like, I don't really smell not, you know what I mean. And like they got the meter, the gas meter, and I went around the stove, you know what I mean.

And it ain't beat crazy or nothing like that. So so when I told her, when you first come home, don't do anything before you open the door, call me and I come right there. So like when she did that yesterday, boom, I smelted up with the met her and it was beeping like crazy. Right, So I went by the I went by the stove and it wasn't beeping as much. So I go back back by the door, and the beet a little beat, a couple more beeps, so I'm like, what's going on? So I went next

door and it wasn't beeping. So I'm like something, something is crazy. So I said, right, we gotta figure this out. So I called, you know, the gas company. So that the leak was under the ground, So it was under the ground by the gas meter. The pipe that was rusted out. So they had to cut the shut the whole complexed out. The whole complex, like I think it was ten, ten or twelve apartments, had to shut all those apartments down, dig up the ground, and fix the pipe.

they read tagged that the red tagged us. But they got it fixed.

everything together, you know what I mean. So, uh, I'm telling them all times, you're not just my son, You're my best friend, you know what I mean. And and I think like as far as like most fathers and sons relationships, I think we had we had a really a real good relationship. You know, it might not have been the idea one as far as like father and son. Uh you know, like like my me and my father, we ain't never go hang out in no bars, you know what I mean. We ain't never go to the

night club. We ain't up going to strip clubs, you know what I mean. Because my father was more religious kind of a person, you know what I mean. He ain't really does in that kind of thing itself, you know what I mean. But we did go to like amusement parks, you know what I mean, Uh, picnics and stuff like that, to fears and carnivals and all kinds of things like that of that nature. It was you know. No, No, the generation times is changing, so you know, things that

develop more fast and more great. And I believe that our relationship was it was it was a good relationship, but it wasn't ideal, you know, father and son relationship far as like. And I know a few farthers probably hang out with they son and go to you know, clubs and you know, you know, hang out like that.

Uh but uh, but but you know, we just we just done so many things you know, together, like you know, you know you would say, damn, they don't they only act like father like to to you know, like two brothers or something like that. You know what I mean?

do things for him like that? You know what I mean, you go in this safe or go in this is stash or whatever. You know, now nine times a team, you really can't trust nobody to do things like that, you know what I mean? If you got five thousand dollar was in there, you know, you might have three thousand dollars and you come back, you know what I mean? You really some people you just can't trust to do things like that, you know what I mean?

You got to get it out the way, and once, you know, sometimes you just got good things out the way, you know what I mean, So you could so you could start the process of healing, you know what I mean. That's how I'm gonna look at it. You know what I mean.

on me. Can I I gotta accept it. I gotta accept the fact that you know, I ain't the perfect, perfect person in the world, and you know I may I made mistakes and sometimes I gotta be accountable for all my mistakes that I made.

and I want my best friend back. How different would that be for here for him to hear you say that?

And he just looked at me like, oh okay, because like most people are stuck in the way, stuck in their own pattern. What I'm saying true, Uh, they want to fix it this way and that's it. But if somebody can show me a more efficient and more fast away to do something in the way I'm doing it, I'm accessible to change, you know what I mean. And I think, uh, that might be the only thing that uh, he needs to hear, you know what I mean. And

if that's all that, you know, that's what. If that's what it takes, and I got I got suck it up and eat it all. You know what I mean. That you know what I mean?

ain't all that serious, you know what I mean. And sometimes uh, we could make situations more devastating in what they really are, you know what I mean, by our own by our own of own feelings, you know what I mean, Like you know, you know, my god, you know what I mean, Like it ain't that severe, you know what I mean. And sometimes some problems be like you might say, it ain't that serious, but it might

be devastating to them, you know what I mean. And so you gotta find out that middle ground, you know, and and and and and meet meet and meet there, you know, and ask.

come down here, you know. And uh, I was thinking about, you know, for my birthday, I wanted to have like, you know, a big family you know OUTI you know, uh and and hopefully for the ones that you know, financially uh stable to uh to make the trip, you know, I could you know, I could you know, pitching you know, and uh you know, you know, give him a few dollars, you know what I mean. So uh, I'm really trying to you know, just my you know, I'm looking for

the big sixty five, you know what I mean. And I I got sixty five more left.

you know I'm about to retire, you know what I mean? Uh, I was gonna uh my, my my wife, she wanted to have have that up north into some type of uh you know, you know establishment, you know, like a big restaurant. I can't afford that, you know what I mean? So I figure if I have it here. Because we had a couple of picnics, a couple of a sleep Old Wizard was like like twenty people stayed in my house,

you know what I mean. They brought their sleeping bags, they brought they whatever they had, you know what I mean, their mattresses or whatever whatever, and everybody was spread out anywhere, you know what I mean. So, uh, you know, I don't you know, I don't you know, I don't mind that, you know what I mean. So if you know, you know, that's what it takes, and you know, I'm you know,

looking forward to it. And then the ones that don't want to stay in there, you know, you know, finances because they at hotel, go to Atlantic City or they whatever they want to do, you know what I mean. But uh, that's that's that's my plans.

chipping away at this until we succeed. If I could give a message to Freddie's son, I would tell him a story I've said publicly before, I think, even on this platform, that I do not have contact with my father. And the reason I don't have contact with my father is he was a very very abusive guy. And when I was about twenty, I was I was just tired

of violence happening in my home. I needed a safe space in my life, and my father came into my life, came to visit where I was living at the time in Texas, and a physical altercation ensued between me, him and my really between my older brother and him, and I got involved trying to break it up, and something snapped in me like that was the last physical alter case I could take, and I told my father later on that night, I said, you can't be in my

life anymore unless you follow a few simple rules. No yelling at me, no hitting me, no cursing at me, and no calling me names. If you could do those things, we can move forward from here. I can forgive everything that's happened in the past. We can get through all of that. I just need a life going forward that doesn't have those four things because it was killing me. It was injuring myself esteem and my ability to grow and be a man. My father's exact response was fuck you,

and he hung up the phone. And that was the moment where I realized, I'm gonna have to implement these boundaries. I'm gonna have to force him to honor the boundaries that I have because I wanted to live a healthy life. Now I'm very proud of the fact that exactly what I needed to have happened happened. I got to live a life without those four things.

from past things. The greatest thing that you could do for somebody is to give them the ability to earnestly apologize for their mistakes. And in this situation, Freddie is acknowledging his mistakes and seeking an opportunity to make them right. I do not believe there is enough language in the English Dictionary in order for me to articulate how much

I would want that phone call from my father. My father, to this day, that incident that I just remarked about took place over twenty five years ago, and to this day, he has never acknowledged the abuse he subjected myself, my two brothers, and my mother to and he has certainly never reached out in an attempt to earnestly apologize or apologize at all. In this scenario, Freddie, while imperfect, Freddie

wild flawed. Freddie is overtly and openly acknowledging his mistakes and with a level of genuineness, looking for opportunities to resolve them. If you continue to stonewall those attempts, It's no longer about implementing a boundary. It's about punishment for past mistakes. It's about resentment for past mistakes, it's about anger for past mistakes. And all those things are understandable. But you've got to understand that all of those things

only further harm you. I said a minute ago that the greatest gift that you could give someone is to give them the opportunity to earnestly apologize for a mistake. But that's only half the truth, because it's also the greatest gift that you can give yourself. Because once you give that person that opportunity, then you let go of anger, resentment, you let go of hate and anger. Those things are poisons when they live in the human heart than the

human soul. And if your father is reaching out to you again, while imperfect and wild flawed, attempting to make a wrong right, then you are allowing poison to continue to poison you. I would strongly ask you to just listen to the conversation, and then you can be the determining factor of whether or not you think it is truly an apology. Then you can be the person who determines whether or not you feel safe engaging in that

relationship going forward. But like I said, I would give anything to have my father reach out in the way that Freddie has reached out through this process. It would mean the world to me, and it would it would heal things broken in me that I don't know will ever be healed otherwise. I think this is an opportunity for you to have things healed in you that may otherwise never heal. So my message to you is to give the gift of healing to yourself by giving the

gift of healing to your father. It's important to ask yourself different questions on your healing journey. For the next few weeks, I will ask you a question at the end of each episode to hopefully inspire your inner superhero. And this week I want you to ask yourself, what's the most impactful thing you can do to bring a relationship in your life closer to you and what difference would doing that make to you and that other person.

Maybe there's a close friend you had while growing up, Maybe there's a loved win in your life that you've drifted apart. What could you do to bring that relationship closer and what difference would it make to you? And that other person to be closer. This is not just a podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.

So what I would like for you to do is come on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that is to just pay attention to the things going on in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of

your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in the comments what you're noticing in your life as a result of listening to this podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things. I would love to.

does not constitute a provider aatient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions you may have.