Clay Klima

We'll be hearing the personal testimonies of all sorts of people who have one thing in common, Jesus has transformed their lives. Jesus used parables because he created us to learn best through story. And as we listen to how God has worked in others lives, we find encouragement and inspiration for our own faith walk. Whether you are already a believer or just a curious seeker, we believe that as you listen to these stories, you will be encouraged on your own faith journey.

We are sure that God can speak to you through one of these episodes and that you will see that our heavenly father truly works all things together for our good. When we simply love and trust him. If you are currently going through a trial, we believe that you will come to see that your troubles, heartbreaks, and failures are not gravestones, but stepping stones into new life in Christ. Here's Jesse with today's guest.

something happening to them or really you name it. I had just I guess you could say like sensitive, really sensitive. person and I think I can remember, at one point it was, I think the desert storm war had just started. And I remember it didn't turn out to be much, but I remember it was a war and I was worried. and I asked my mom about God and what to do about this. And I told her I was scared and. And I just remember her saying, we can say our prayers and we'd say our say, the prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep. I forget how to say it now that if my soul before if take my soul before I wake or something like that. so starting off, basically, I was really always scared. And I had this, fear all the time. and we were brought up as a cat. We were Catholic. I went to Catholic school. and I remember, in those days that I, I didn't really make a connection, And so my parents, I wouldn't, nobody really would talk to me about God the way that I wanted to know about him.

I was, I, along with being very, scared a lot of the time and anxious, I was always very curious. Like I wanted to know, the nature of God at a young age. And I, I can, I think. Growing up the, I had a really good childhood, and it was like a storybook almost. there was issues I had, we had our issues and stuff, but, it was two parents and me and my brother and we had, we would go to church, we were involved in the church, but it was part of the school.

And, at one point I was an altar boy, but for me, it was never a connection. like I didn't have that person to give me the answer to the questions. It was just like, this is what we do, and the focus and I can remember the focus in Catholicism a lot is on, rules.

And I would ask the priest questions about God, I think one time I remember the priest, We were learning about confession and, our little second grade teacher or whatever brought us over to the school and, said, this is what you do when you're, you're going to go in this little room and talk to the priest and he's going to forgive your sins. And I just remember asking a question like, Why don't I just talk to God? And I think I was just a kid, and I didn't understand.

I was just like, I just had a teacher. I was like, can I just do, can I just talk to God? I, can I just ask him? And I got in a lot of trouble that. and I remember being really hurt by that. And I remember that I did it anyway. And I went in and I told him, my little things is, Oh, I, got in a fight with my brother or whatever it was, and he told me to say, 10 Hail Marys. so I came out of the confessional and I just remember feeling angry, just that's, this is it.

I just got to say this prayer 10 times. And, and so it created this kind of dynamic of. and that anger I think just grew. I, I was also I don't know. I just struggled a lot. I struggled a lot with people and other kids and I didn't want to follow directions.

And so through that learning process, I got my young mind and body were just learning about how, like, okay, I'm a problem and I got to go when I asked these questions like about God, I think another one was at that time, the Catholic Church was with the doctrine of.

if aborted, if a child's aborted, it goes to hell is what they taught at this church and I just, I remember just not understanding about that and didn't like, first of all, didn't know what really, what did even think about that, but I asked questions about that, why would it be? And I was just told that's the way it is.

So it created this, basically this problem with authority and also underneath that problem, like by proxy, a problem with God, in a sense, and so I just checked out at that time and I know animosity against.

Our Catholic brothers or the church there and at all right now, I just, this is just my part of the part of my story and the way things unfolded because my personality, I was afraid all the time I had this anxiety and also I was curious and, rambunctious and just for whatever reason it didn't click for me and, and so my parents, we would still go to church cause I would go to school there. During the week and we go to church on Sundays and I was in the Boy Scouts there.

So it was a lot of, I think it was a lot of more of a social,

So it created this problem with authority and that kind of followed me throughout that time period. and so I just went along with the motions and I think that's what my family did too. we would, show up to church and then I just, I remember I just love the donuts in the hall and I would just look forward to that and we would even go to the seven 30 church. Because that early in the morning, they didn't sing. And it was like, you get in and out. And I remember that's the framework that we had.

and my mom, she would, she was involved in the church and she would be what they called like a lectern. And, so she would come up and read the, scripture and I was the altar boy and there were moments there where I felt really I felt the presence of God. And I had these moments of this is good. Like my mom's here, she's carrying the book down. There's my dad, my brother in the front row, I'm in the altar boy.

And so I had these moments and I, but then I had these questions and I couldn't, I never made this bridge to, having that personal relationship. I didn't feel like that was available. I guess at that time. and so we all just went through the motions. And I think at one point the church, the priest said to my parents, or he said, the priest said on a Christmas service that basically the priest said, the Santa is not real.

And that really sent waves through my house and we, my parents were upset cause we were still pretty young at that time. And, for the priest is a person that, he's involved in the school and everything. So he's saying that Santa's not real. It upset my parents, and they were like, I don't know, not, they didn't just stop going, but it upset that sermon. It was like on Christmas Eve and.

It just seemed like upsetting and then, I think, fast forward, I stayed in the Catholic school and I got confirmed and all of those things and nowhere in there was Jesus a factor. And so as I continue to tell my story, I just want to frame it as this sort of search for It was never, it never ended up in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. and so all I remember of my confirmation is the sushi that they had afterward. And it was the first time I ever ate sushi.

My dad gave me this gold necklace. And I was like, Oh, I got a gold necklace now. And that's all I remember. I had no connection to the underlying, I had no connection, to God and to the, to, to what it's all about. And it was all like I said, surface level. So I do remember one time, I think the first time that I remember feeling God's presence. I happened to go on this, mission trip and it was on a summertime and nobody else went. None of my friends went.

It was just me and some of the church people and the priest. And we went to a very impoverished area of Luray Caverns. In, Virginia and I was all alone. So I think my mom just, she needed me to go because there was no one to watch me. And so she was like, you're going to this trip. because there was something else going on and I just needed to have someone to watch me.

So here I am, it was like two overnight trips and there was a bunch of people, but I didn't know them, the other people there, and we were putting tin on the top of these people's roofs. These like trailer homes that they didn't have any, anything. And I just remember like loving it. I remember looking at the people in these like really old people that couldn't get out of their house and they were, hooked up to ventilators and stuff. and I just felt really good.

It was like the middle of the summer and everyone was complaining, but I just loved it. I love the work. And I remember talking to the family and something happened to me on that trip. Yeah. And one, I think it was one morning I was just eating breakfast and there was the priest was in the front making the announcements of the day and what we're going to do. And I just felt completely swept away. Like this cool feel like feeling just.

God was just there and I just started bawling and I just felt like I fell out of my seat I was just eating cereal little kid eating cereal I was like sixth seventh grade or something like that and I just felt God overwhelmed me and I just remember even at that age feeling like that was That this was something and then people were all over me and they were checking on me. Are you okay? And I just don't know what happened. I just fell out.

and I just remember being overwhelmed with tears of joy and I was just crying and just Didn't know why. And I think that's something that sticks out in my mind, looking back at an encounter, with the Lord. And it was just a totally pure, good feeling all the way around, a feeling of being held and supported and belonging. And it was like, I've never felt, I never felt anything like that. And I just remember that moment.

And then, the trip ended and came back home and no one talked to me about it, or I didn't talk to anyone else about it. It just was this private moment, this moment that happened that was private to me.

And, when that foundation gets shaken a little bit, all the pleasantries in the outward. showing up, the church life is, if it's not rooted in God, it doesn't last. If it's just a social thing, it wavers like any social thing. So I think that's what happened. But then keep, keeping going. I start, I've still have developed this sort of Problem with authority and not much connection, like daily personal connection with God, then nine 11 happened.

And we went to church that day after nine 11 happened. and we lived in DC, so it was really cool. Like we actually saw the, we saw the plane go over our house before it hit the Pentagon. and I didn't see that, but my brother did because he was going to school. Where he could see it at that time. I was, my parents were in DC at that time. And I was at my, I was at that time I was in high school and I was going to a Catholic high school and I was having a lot of issues.

but as far as my family goes, we went to church that day and the priest, I think, I forget what he said, but it was something like, unfortunately, all those souls jumping out of the building went This is what he said. I remember he said, if they, if those people weren't saved, he was like, say, talking about the tragedy. And he was talking about the people that we watched jump out of the building and to their death.

And he was saying the real tragedy is if those people weren't saved, they went, if they weren't baptized, they went to hell. And my mom just got up and left. she, she grabbed my hand. She. Her and my dad and my brother, they just walk. As soon as he said that, they just walked out. they couldn't deal with that. and then we never went back and then church was just not a thing anymore after that day. never talked about it. and it just disappeared from my life.

the Catholic church and what took its place was this sort of angst. And this anger that I had. And I think that during that time, at least on some unconscious level, I was being fed by the spirit and connected to the spirit through interactions with the church and that kind of thing. And friends that I had that were in the church that were at different stages of belief and different families. And so when that ended, there was this void and this sort of hollow feeling core.

And I just remember I started, I started to really want to be somebody else. I wish that I was somebody else. I wish that I was more popular. I wish that I had more skills. and it, I really started to, I think as a teenager, you really need that guidance. in a way that is really paramount. and although I continued going to Catholic school, there, the mentions of God and things like that were gone. And it was just a school at that point.

And, And there wasn't that lasting relationship that I had with God that I could go to. And so basically I just started doing things that were really out of my character. I tried to start to, I would start, I started to, I started getting fights. I started to skip school. I started to look for that sense of belonging. And although I never really felt like I belonged anywhere, even before, I think, like I said, on some levels I was.

But I started to look towards, I started to hang out with people that were doing a lot of drugs, smoking a lot of weed. I didn't fit in with the. I never felt good enough to be in with the in crowd at school, I wasn't good at talking to girls. I didn't have a lot of self confidence, didn't have a lot of self esteem or self compassion.

I had braces throughout most of high school and it was just I was still growing into my body and my body was bigger in certain places, like it was just weird and I obviously had all these new hormones coming into my body and interests and stuff and and I just didn't really feel like I had a lot of friends and I ended up looking to through a friend of a friend.

I had this one friend and he was pretty like, much like me, socially awkward, teenager, just trying to get through things and do well and, He had a brother and his brother was in a gang and through one thing or another, I, we ended up sometimes hanging out with his brother and his brother was heavily into like drugs and gang activity. And so I just felt enamored with that. I felt like that was that I was looking for something else, someone else.

To be anyone but me, anyone but this scared, awkward kid that I was, and I was starting to have a lot more conflict with my parents. And my parents didn't have that same social structure that we had where all my friends were in connected and that same social structure I had when we were plugged into the Catholic Church, it was different because they could trust the people that I was with and that was gone by high school. And so they just, they didn't have that.

So they didn't trust me to go out with people. And so I was starting to clash with my parents a lot. Like I said, skipping school, hanging out with these people that they didn't know. And, I remember that I started to smoke weed and that became delightful to it got me out of my, it got me out of myself. In a way, and so a lot of my life from that point on was, it was a search for God, but it was also a search for something else outside of myself.

and so that kind of void and that kind of churning angst, the weed gave that a way to me a way to just forget about it. And so slowly I stopped hanging out with my one friend and I started hanging out with. His brother in this gang. and then things got really bad. And I started, I found that sense of belonging in this group and they were doing really bad stuff and it things ramped up really quickly. And, they were dealing drugs. This was during the rave time. so they were, there was ecstasy.

And, so I started to do a dual dovetail, just on one hand, the drugs gave me this, that sense of God in a way it's you're outside of yourself, you're getting these experiences and these kind of really. intense moments where you're like on ecstasy or, your brain's flooded with this, these chemicals and you feel like that's, it's similar to God. You think that, you think that, and I wasn't thinking that at that time, but it was just, it was, that was that.

So I was starting to go from weed to ecstasy. And then at the same time, they were doing these. Gang conflicts that I got basically they jumped me into the gang and a bunch of them beat you up And then you're like a part of their gang and then I would do Stuff with them going around harassing people getting in fights on other gangs Really dangerous stuff, and I just didn't care.

I just became more and more reckless and You And I kept doing more and more drugs, and then that led to the psychedelic drugs, which now I know that those open up demonic forces. And make you susceptible to those, things, but that the drugs took the place of what I was searching for. This, the game kind of gave me that belonging that I was searching for. And then the drugs gave me that, those God like moments that I was trying to get. And that's all we did.

We would fight people and do drugs and sell drugs and, this kind of thing. And meanwhile, I had my family back at home who I had pretty much disowned and I was acting like a different person, dressing differently, talking differently, cussing my parents out. at one point, like a rival at one point, a rival gang found out where I lived and they attacked my house.

Finally, I got basically, I got caught on school with weapons and I was, I went into a very brutal fight with this kid that I didn't like in my school and I took a lock, a combination lock grabbed it in my fist and I, went up to him and I just started, we just started fighting, but I wasn't fighting fair. I had that. And I don't know, it's shameful to talk about, but this is part of what happened. And this is, I just have to say this stuff.

So I, I destroyed his face and then I think someone else was hitting me and basically I got expelled for that incident. And at the time I thought that was a warranted, After that, then him and other people were all still chasing me, but I got expelled. And then I, and then from there I ran away and I went on a, I just left my house. I just left my house, disappeared, didn't tell my parents. And I went with some other member of this gang and stayed at his house and did drugs.

and if for the love of God, one friend that I told you that All the way back in the beginning that his brother is the one that I started hanging out with that one friend knew where I was at and he had the goodness to call my mom and told him where I was at. And so my mom showed up, took me out of there, put me in a rehab, intensive rehab, and that was the first time I was exposed to. Modern psychology, postmodernist thought, thought forms of modern psychology.

And I was in this group setting and it was a gestalt group for substance abuse. It was an intensive thing. And I got drug tested and, I was on probation too, at that time. And that really. formed, something in me that I did well there with the structure and with the drug testing and everything. I actually just stopped doing the, those things and got things more on track.

And. It just set the, it set a seed in me that there is good possible, and being in other people, being around other people that were trying to get clean other kids and the main therapist was really good. I liked him and so it worked well for me and helped me to get clean. and then I finished that and Was able to graduate high school in this alternative program. Basically just like where all the bad kids go so that. so that they can finish school and get their GED.

So all that I went from all that from that Catholic school and fell all the way down and then public school. And then I graduated from this alternative program while I was in probation and in therapy. And, I was still after that finished, I still found a way to go back to normal and was just still using drugs. And still finding that empty part, that emptiness, that fear, that I just couldn't shake, that I wanted to do something else. I wanted to be somebody else.

Still, I just never felt like I was good and I was enough. I never felt that way. Even after all that, even after graduating. And by that point, all the things that I had done just added to the shame and the emptiness. And it became this sort of it's just like a hollow kind of core that you're trying to get away from. And you invent new personalities to try to bolster yourself against the emptiness inside. you're also looking for God in a way. And I got involved in like hip hop.

So I started doing, I started wanting, I got involved in I was very, I was one of those guys that was really confused. I would, have the Che Guevara fist bump. but at the same time, mommy and daddy are taking care of me. And,

And, I went to so I went to this college and they just pumped me up with that stuff. They have class, they have classes, I pretty much got a degree in it.

And I viewed myself as this open book and I was in, got heavy into all these philosophies of Nietzsche and other things, and was really deep into all of that sort of philosophical nowhere land and I, that carried me throughout college. And then I just, again, this feeling of wanting to be somebody else to get away, I decided to go to live in Thailand. So when I graduated high school, when I graduated college, I had 500 in my pocket, I've got on a plane to Thailand.

And the next 10 years of my life were spent overseas. And I could do, I could talk more and more about that. but I don't want to waste the time. So in, in Asia, what I did, what I did was a lot of mainly just running away from my family, running away from who I was, running into trying to be somebody else, trying to do something else and being embedded in another culture. And, while I was there, I got involved in Eastern thought, philosophy, all of these things, Buddhism pretty much.

And I would go to these temples and I had no idea what I was doing. I just was. Just sampling anything that I would come my way. any new thing, new experience, I was also just trying to fulfill so many different. Like lusts and desires and other things, just trying to max out on life kind of thing. but I started to intake in those Buddhist thought, and the thoughts of reincarnation and the thoughts of, some of the beliefs that the Buddhists have.

and I was meeting people in the, in that lived by these beliefs. and was embedded in a culture, a collectivist culture that believed that. And I really just embedded into it. Like I became really good at being like a chameleon, and I would just, if I was whoever I was with, wherever I was at, I would just pretend. Because I felt like I was nothing, nobody. so I learned Thai and later I moved to Vietnam and I had a motorcycle company there and sold motorcycles and imported them.

and I was just doing life at 150 miles an hour. it was, I don't, I could go more and more, but there was no semblance or thought really of God. It was just, Long binges of drinking, crazy behaviors, I was teaching at one point, I was doing all kinds of stuff over there, but I was not involved in my family. long story short, the mafia in Vietnam began to extort me for the business that I had there. And they were chasing by the time I left, they were chasing me around with swords.

I also, I was just involved in a lot of not good behavior, things that are, I'm not proud of treating women not well. and it all culminated and blew up in my face and I had to go, and this was like over a seven year period. And I made, I think I made two trips home. Jesus was nowhere in the picture of all this. I had to stay at a friend's house that was in the embassy and my mom and I called my mom and I said, mom, I just need you to get me out of here.

And she bought me a ticket and I left like a day or two later, escorted to the airport, came home, crash landed again at her house. Then things were very dark for a very long time. I went into a deep depression. I knew that I had to reckon with. My life, I knew that I couldn't keep living, doing whatever I wanted. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what guidance was. I didn't even know what I had done wrong.

I wasn't really willing to like, it took me a long time to do like inventory, but for time sake, I'll just try to encapsulate this is I ended up crash landed back here by that time, my parents had retired to Fernandina. And we're living on the island. That's how I ended up here. So when I got back, I was living with them and I was like, 30 something. I had nothing, no, no friends, no car, no job, no skill, no, no viable skill sets that I could say anything about. I had no concept of God.

I, Jesus was the furthest thing from my mind. I was full of. bitterness, resentment, depression, that empty feeling was still there. That hole was still there and bigger and darker. And I knew by that point, I knew I couldn't just throw drugs in it and make it go away. I couldn't throw alcohol in it. And I just knew because I had done that. I'd done that. I couldn't just. implant myself in a new group, a new, a gang or a new culture, I knew that wouldn't satisfy it.

My relationships with my family or that were pretty much destroyed. I had pretty much shunned them. For seven years by that point and didn't talk to them, have any understanding of anything going on in their lives. so I just knew I needed, I knew that I, nothing I knew nothing that I could do, but what I decided to do was to learn how to do counseling. And I thought back about that one group that I did and decided to go for that. So I put all my eggs in that basket.

And, it was more like I didn't want to do it, but I just felt like this is what you need to do this. so I, what I did was I packed up and I moved to Colorado, to go to, this school called Naropa. Naropa. Which is a quote unquote alternative school. It was, they offered a master's in mental health counseling. And I had a good friend of mine that I did that hip hop stuff with that was living out there and had a family. So it seemed like a good move. so I went out there.

And this was, early thirties and I just turned 40 just to give you an idea. So this was early thirties, to mid thirties. And that world out there was a different world. It's a lot of light and love. And you have a lot of people, in Naropa, especially my school was actually created by Buddhist monks. And. Like postmodernist thinkers. So those are who made the school like, so I would have chosen a different school, now, but I ended up out there and you're in this beautiful setting of the Rockies

So I started getting opened up to all this sort of extension on Eastern thought that I had, I said, why I was drawn to that school is because of all the time I spent in Asia and they carry that into, mindfulness training and, experiential counseling. and it is.

As far from biblical as you can get, I'll say that in, that, but it took a turn to me turning inward and beginning to understand, beginning to actually look at this hole that I felt inside of me, because prior to that, it had been driving my whole life. Like not only my lusts and my desires and my, passions had been driving me, but also just that whole, trying to cover it up, trying to fit in, trying to be enough.

And so for the first time with that program, they made me as a part of that program, I had to go through counseling myself. and that was a game changer because.

It really helped that was the first time I was able to sit down with somebody and be Me and although those relationships weren't guided by biblical principles and those counselors weren't christians They were good counselors and they doing what you're similar what you're doing here with me right now Is they would listen and let me speak Talk and help me to learn to be still and observe my inner the working pieces of Buddhism I got from the program, the meditation part, the mindfulness part.

So in Asia, I was involved in the fetishization of Buddhism and, going to these temples and taking selfies and acting. Acting like different, but I never actually tried it out. So this way I was trying it out, but I was also doing counseling. And the school is, they promote whatever you want to promote, whatever you feel like is your truth. That's what they're all about, and so I got it heavily Embedded in that and lost my way again. No structure.

No submission No fear of the lord only fear of people fear of who can accept me. Can I do this? Can I? Finally, get my life together on my own. And those practices, they all point back to you that the truth is somewhere in you. And if you just sit with it long enough and learn more about yourself and do enough shadow work and do enough counseling that you're going to, you're going to save you pretty much is what they teach. this is what modern counseling teaches. Unfortunately, some forms of it.

and so that's what I was learning. And I was learning that for myself. And then I was learning that to teach other people that. so guess what happened? I start looking at myself for real. And guess what? I saw a big old hole and emptiness and not good. And I flipped out. I freaked out. I went on a. I went on a drug binge. I got my hands on some, somebody's ADD meds and some of those dispensaries and I just went haywire.

I went haywire like at the time I was, at the time I was taking care of my friend's house and I just trashed the place and he was away and then we had a big falling out and then I almost failed out of school and the teachers, obviously they can see. so the lady in charge of my program, this was like a year into it, the lady calls me in and I just told her, I was like, I can't tell the difference between what's me and what's everybody else. I can't.

And she was like, I can't basically based on what I said to her, she said, I can't ask you, this isn't going to work. I can't in ethical standards. pass you to go to the next level of this master's program because you're having this crisis or psychosis or whatever. And, during that time I would take all these ADD meds and stay up all night and climb the mountains and think I was getting close to the high universe, power, the nature, a lot of it is like nature worship.

and the you in the universe and and so at one hand I'm going through this psychosis, drug fueled, I'm smoking this really potent marijuana that they have out there that you can buy anywhere. And I'm getting fueled with all this look inside yourself and sit down and meditate, find the truth in yourself. I'm looking at that and seeing the truth inside of me is nothing that I really that I can find here. That's worth a dime.

And then on top of that, there's all this, spirit guides and find your this, that or the other, whatever. And so it just sent me into a spiral. And then I ended up failing the program and it was a huge, I was like, I can't believe this happened again. I didn't go through my whole story, but there in between this time, there's a few other launches and failure. It's like getting back up and then starting a whole new life. And then an epic failure. There's a few of those to get to this one.

And then this one happened and something told me to just go home again. Cause I had nothing, no confidence or nothing to stand on. I was just following whatever everyone else was telling me to do, whatever everyone else was doing. I was doing that and it just kept leading me to nothing. So COVID hit at that time as well. And. It was a convenient reason to go home. And so I packed up live. Basically that life exploded and I went home, drove home because of COVID. But the truth is not COVID.

What took me home was same set circumstances. And then I got home and I had that to cover me. And so now I'm like 36, 37 back at home again, not with no degree. And of course I wasn't truthful with my family. About why. That the fact that I had almost, that I've pretty much failed out this program. And then I went out in the ocean. I don't know what I was doing, but I think I was on some kind of self destruct.

I took a surfboard out in the ocean at hurricane force winds and tumbled over and separated my patella. So like one, one part of my leg went that way. The other part went the other way

And I just remember feeling like I want to die. I guess this is it. Like all the time too, I realized I'm mad at God. I'm angry. My heart is hard. It's hard to the world. I don't know what love is. I don't know what intimacy is. don't know my, here I am approaching 40 and I've done all this stuff and nothing has satisfied me. Nothing has helped me with this emptiness, this nothingness that I feel.

Even drugs at that point, Drugs, different relationships, girls, different countries, different jobs. I got really good at pretending and lying and doing all that stuff and none of it helped. And so I just felt like maybe I just was a mistake. I was a mistake. Maybe I just wasn't supposed to be here. So I got in that frame and I was just Also forced to stay at my room. So I couldn't just run out and do activities. So I was like forced to be alone in this room with all of that.

And I just felt again, I had to do it. I just felt this like wind come over me and I was like, okay, I'm going to just get my life together again, but I'm going to do it for real. And I'm going to stop everything, So I stopped trying to smoke weed. I stopped drinking. I stopped all that stuff. I started exercising and at the time I had no constraints. my, I was living under my parents roof again.

so I didn't have to find, I didn't have to support myself so I could spend the whole time just like diving into myself. So I started doing that. I was. I started listening to Jordan Peterson and Wayne Dyer and, some of these other like kind of people, and Wayne Dyer in particular, I got latched onto. And he really, I remember this one part where he actually takes the book of Matthew and brings out this phrase of the I am.

So he takes the scripture, rips it from its context, removes it from God and then packages it as this special gateway that if you just say, I am whatever you say after that's going to happen. So I started getting into this. And it started working on some level. I had all these, I started filling up my room with these statements, it was like, I am great and I am successful. And I, this, that, I am whatever. And I started to get into the new age.

So I got sober and then I started to do, instead of going to God, I went to this other realm. And It's all about the universal mind. So instead of looking at God and finally collapsing into God's arms, I went to these people and I started to think I was doing, and. Things got a lot better for me. I got, I was sober. I started doing yoga daily, and really getting into the breathing practices of yoga.

And I would, sit in meditation and, I really started to feel some changes and I even started to, pray. I would pray to the universe, like dear universe, thank you for this day of life. thank you, et cetera. I also, started getting crystals and all that stuff. And I'm starting to think Oh, and I ended up getting back into that program and

if I just align, line up, tune up my chakras to the universe and say the right things and get my head in the right place and just hold onto this positive positivity at all costs. mentality, I can do it. I can heal myself. I can do it. And I started seeing this psychic online and she would do these practices from Alistair Crowley where they fill this bubble of light and fill it with all these colors.

And all these people mentioned Jesus, all these people talk about God and they are so far from it. It's scary to look back at it now, because they do what the devil does. They do what the devil does. And they took what God made for good and they rip it out and they bend it for their own purposes. And that's exactly what I was doing. But the most dangerous part is you feel good. you're doing yoga, your six packs coming in. You're, Thigh muscles are blowing up. you're looking good.

You're breathing. you're clean. You're not doing any drugs. you're on the path of love and light and the universe is lined up with your chakras and you're humming. If you hum enough hums, you're going to, that's where I was thinking, really, and it was working. and then I went through school like that. And a lot of good happened. A lot of good happened, from the, from that part of my life. And I thought I was really close to God, but I didn't have Jesus.

Jesus was the one to me at that point, I had opened up to Jesus as a philosopher, as a, a teacher, right? The one way that we're not supposed to look at Jesus, I was open to that. And so people get cherry pick and talk about Jesus and Oh, that's nice. that's great. if that helps you get closer to your truth, I didn't know him I was getting closer to God. And I believe that now looking back, I believe God works through our lives.

Even when we're not a believer, even when we don't have faith, he's working in bringing us closer

What? Okay. do you want to go do this? Like tarot thing real quick? And she's I don't do that anymore. So all of a sudden, and I really love Casey. And it's the best thing that's happened to me in my life up until that point. And automatically, almost automatically, I was like, I can't do that. I don't believe in Jesus. She's, I don't believe that he, Are you serious?

Like I believe some crazy stuff about rocks and crystals and spirit guides and all this and reincarnations, but to actually believe in Jesus, that was the most thing I could not believe, right? To believe in the Bible and Jesus was like, no, I just can't go there. So we started clashing at the same time. I got fired from my internship that I was doing because I was doing school long distance.

And I had gotten an internship for the last part of my school at this place in local mental health place. And I had work, was working there. And right about that time, they, I was doing They had told me not to do this stuff with what is it? What is it called when people look at the stars?

I love you, but I'm not doing any of that anymore. and that was like a huge hit to me. And then I got fired for doing astrology stuff on the spot. They were like, clean out your office. You're done. And I was like, what about my school? And they were like, you're done. So all of a sudden my school, they were, I told my, I had to tell my school what happened and they were like, you can't graduate. I was like months from finally graduating this long. like, sorry, you gotta start all over again.

And by then I was a hundred something thousand dollars in debt from going to school to this school, which all seemed like it was going to be for nothing. And then. So all of a sudden, in a week, I lost everything and the manifestations train came screeching to a halt and my little alignment with the universe had been knocked off somehow. And I was lost. I was dark. I started that emptiness came up, everything came up again, and it came time for me to go out and graduate.

And there was a possibility that I maybe would be able to graduate because someone at this internship was felt bad for me and they. Because I had done enough hours and they were like, basically they said that they weren't going to sign the papers, but this one lady said, look, I'll sign it. I know you did the hours, so I'll sign it that you did it. So there was a hail Mary chance, like this, that these papers would be accepted and I would get, I would graduate.

So I got on a plane to Colorado to graduate and get my master's. And right before I left, Casey was like, I don't think we can do this. Like we can't be together. This isn't going to work. We don't, I just felt like it's not going to work with her because I don't believe in Jesus and the Bible. So I felt like I lost her. And then I felt like I was lost my school. and I left for Colorado the day before I was supposed to graduate.

Out of just depression and sadness, I wandered up into the mountains and all the way there, Casey had sent me a playlist of worship music. She was like, listen, this one meat song. And I was like, okay. I was like, no, I don't want to listen to this. But then I finally just let it into my heart. I was like, okay.

maybe we won't be together, maybe not, but I'll listen to this music and it was a playlist of worship music, put the worship music on, put it in my earbuds, start walking up the mountain aimlessly, just pondering how my life had just gone from great to not to like black hole again, somewhat suicidal even thinking, and the playlist, the music just starts coming in my ears. and I'm just like feeling moved, like I want to cry, but I'm not, and I just keep walking.

I'm not really listening to the music, but I'm looking around at nature. It's a beautiful day. And I somewhere, somehow I end up at this pond still completely still no one around on the very far side of the pond is a bench. One bench I didn't know where is in the middle of the mountains.

There's nobody around There's a pond completely still and on the other side of the pond is a bench No one's sitting there and I said I gotta go sit there so I walk all the way around and then sit there and I just Ask God I say God if you're there If you're real, I don't believe in you, but can you help me believe? I don't know what to do, but I don't want to, I don't think I want to be here anymore on this earth And on the water, I just saw Jesus.

Out in the middle of the water, but he wasn't coming. He was, he was there and I, my heart just felt electric and I start like what's going on right now? And I just remember like Jesus saying, I'm here. I've been waiting for you your whole life, but you have to want me. you have to let me in your heart. and I look down and I'm just crying. Like I've never cried before. I'm just sobbing and sobbing. And it's all coming out of me. And I was like, I, I believe in you. I will open my heart.

And at that moment, I just felt he just came closer and went from, That into like into my heart and I looked around and it was nighttime and I was like, I went up there at eight in the morning and I don't even know what happened. I don't know what happened. I don't know how long that happened for. And all I remember is this feeling of like my heart just got like from this like brittle, hard clump of stone to just crack like that.

And he came in it was like that, similar to that first feeling I told you about, it was like that feeling, and I just felt like he'd been, he's been waiting for me to do that my whole life, all this stuff, all this pretending, all these drugs, all this trouble, all these, running and hiding and fighting. Feeling like not enough and so so I accepted Jesus in my heart that day.

I literally did and I felt it Tangibly and my life has never been the same since then and he's been there since then he's there right now and His Holy Spirit lives inside of me and I believe On him and that he died for me and he was resurrected for me And that's all that matters now. And that's what's that's what I stand on now And so now I rest in christ and I have my struggles.

Things like that right there and there is the fullness Of god and I wanted to share a scripture to talk about what my life's been like since then

The God of this world has blinded the minds of unbelievers to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. For God who said, let light shine out of darkness, has shown in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God to the face of Jesus Christ. That's exactly what happened to me.

And it changed everything about everything, Jesse. And I know that we don't need these things, but just so I can tell for the listeners, that day, that night, by the time it was night, I got back, there was an email from my teacher, and he said, I decided to let you graduate. Because I feel that you deserve to graduate. So you're going to graduate. So I didn't think I was going to even graduate. I thought I was, everything was lost, but I felt like I got everything because I got Jesus.

So I didn't even care at that point. At that point, that was the most the most floored I've ever been in my whole life to have finally have Jesus Christ and believe him in my heart. I felt like I had gained the world. I really did. So I didn't point, I didn't even care. I was like.

I didn't care about school, but I got home, I got back and there was that email all of a sudden, randomly, the teacher just said, I feel like you should graduate, so I'm going to sign your paperwork, get ready to graduate tomorrow. And in that moment, I knew that I would marry Casey. So I knew, I just knew, I was like, I'm going home, I'm getting a ring and we're going to get married like that day. Like I am going to go marry that woman. I have Jesus. Now, and that's what I did.

I saw, I walked across the stage and I went home and I married my wife and my life has never been the same since.

And in order to do that, I had to let him in my heart. It's I don't know if you've ever rescued an animal or something, like a wet cat or something, and they just Fight and scratch and and you're like, I'm trying to help you. And I think that's what God did for me most of my life. And most of my life I was scratching and then finally I just didn't have any more fight left.

The enemy, but my fight got a lot more concise, so it got the basically the real fight started, and so that's what I look at that as I finally didn't need done didn't need to fight anymore with God or question him then that just leaves the devil so so things get the Christian walk is.

difficult and without fellowship and the unity of the church and being in scripture constantly where I'm at in my Christian walk it makes Everything else, everything, all the other stuff I've went through, it makes it look like a sandbox child's play. but I'm grateful today, Jesse, that I don't have to fight. I don't need to fight with God anymore. I can just obey him. I have a father who loves me an earthly one and a heavenly one. And his commands are right.

And what I've found is by following them, I get the best. That I could possibly get by just believing in the gospel and doing what he commands me to do. It frees me up to be, to glorify him because in the end, it's not about God giving, fulfilling my desires. or my felt needs or giving me a wife or any, it's not about any of that. It's just that I can now glorify him. And if you, if we can I wrap up with a prayer?

And for this reason, I bow my knees before the father from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith that you being rooted and grounded in love may have strength to comprehend with all the saints.

What is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. In Jesus name, Amen.