¶ Couples Therapy and Understanding Relationships
Miner like dogs . Okay , we understand two step commands . Come sit , pick out the garbage , put a bag in it , right ?
Yeah .
Give me three or four . I forget them when I'm done . Give me praise , yeah , give me good job , bill . Good job we do , and if I'm really good making some cookies , I want to treat that's it .
That's it , ladies . You can stop watching . Your problems are solved .
Faith and Failure's podcast .
So when you , when you do counsel , okay , so now you're doing couples .
I do . I do a variety of counseling , but what I enjoy more than anything is couples therapy .
So you don't just stick with couples , you do , I do some individual but I prefer couples Okay . So when you , when you are counseling , do you have a specific philosophy that you try to lead from or guide them through ?
No , no just kind of whatever works Uh the correct term is eclectic , which means I have training in multiple sources and depending who comes in is what you use . So , um , I'm trained in behavioral couple therapy . Integrated couples therapy . It's called what's the other one , safe at Home , which is a domestic violence type thing .
Okay , and then Now , were these all wrapped into your masters or did you have to specifically go back ?
These are , these are additional to that , you've been to school a while . I've been through school and trainings . That's a benefit . Is working for the VA ? Is they'll send you to all sorts of stuff ? Oh , that's cool . Um , but , and then I use what's called a preparedness rich , which is more of a Christian based type thing .
So when you come into my office , I meet you , we talk a little bit , get to know where you are , where you're from , and then we figure out which way to go forward . Yeah , now the interesting thing is believe it or not is in couples therapy . I spend more time undoing what society and churches and what people quote is normal marriages than I do rebuilding .
So it's a lot of breaking down and tearing down old , bad stuff , which is a lot of the problems . You think about it , you come into a relationship .
It's sort of like being a parent . There's no manual .
Yeah .
You , you do it from what you watch .
Yeah .
So if you come from a dysfunctional family , you function or dysfunctionally . So , like like with Laurian and I , I come from a family that I've never seen my mom and dad fight . Worse thing I ever seen was my mom tell my dad , George , go to the bedroom . That was it .
I have no idea what happened in the bedroom , but you know , when they came out , dad was in a little different mood , but Couple black eyes . So I had no idea how to , how to disagree . And this , this is our second marriages .
Yeah .
So even with that , lori's parents were completely different . Her mom was the traditional mom , housewife and all of that .
So when we came together we had to work through things , yeah , so would it be safe to say that you probably pulled from a lot of your experience of going through that ?
I pulled from a lot of experience . I've been married I don't know if I I've been married 28 years . Okay , Let me rephrase it To her I've been in a marriage for 28 years to her . Yeah , I've been married to her for probably 18 of that 28 . Because the first 10 years was just trying to figure life out 10 years of trying to figure it out ?
is boys a slow learner ?
Very hard headed . You know , and I can . I can remember the day it was . Actually she pretty much said you know you need help . I can do this by myself . I don't want to , but hey , you know I can . Wow , do you remember how many kids do ? I got Five . You know what child support on five kids is . I don't want to know . I knew what one was .
I know what it is . It's , you need help . So , honestly , I started going to therapy . She started going to therapy . Yeah , we went to couples therapy . Now is this before ? You were in the business ? No , I was in the business . I was a good faker man . I was great . I was about to say I was great .
We'd be the couple that would would fight all the way to church and then get out and hold hands with a smile , sit here and then get in the car and just start right back up again . Yeah , you know , but it was as soon as I figured it out , I honestly thought this is what it's all about .
Now , when you say let's stop there for a second , when you say when I figured it out to you from your experience , what did that mean for y'all ? Like what ? What was it that ? That moment that pivoted y'all's relationship , Let her in .
That's good . Let her in . Let her know all of the junk , every bit of it . We're already fighting , so what outwards can it get ?
Yeah , and as soon as I broke down every guard and let her in and realized that my whole job in this relationship is to do everything I can to elevate my wife yeah To the woman that God wants her to be , and she does everything to elevate me to what God wants me to be , it's there .
It's there you mean . When you stop doing it for yourself , it begins to work .
That that's the big thing and that's I know . And then I sat down and I thought , man , if I missed it , how many other veterans are missing it ? Yeah ? Then I went one step further . How many other guys are missing this ? All of them because we're not the brightest people in the world ? Yeah , we have . We're very basic . I know we're very hard to you .
Know what am I ? You brought that up , so what am I saying Is this men are like dogs . Okay , we understand two step commands . Come sit , take out the garbage , put a bag in it , right . Yeah , give me three or four . I forget them when I'm done . Give me praise . Yeah , give me good job , bill , good job , way to go .
And if I'm really good , make me some cookies . I want to treat .
That's it , that's it . Ladies , you can stop watching . Your problems are solved , but it's , it's it . It sounds so basic and dumb but it really . When a man feels like his woman appreciates what he's done , we'll move heaven and earth to do something again to make take it's . We feed off that praise , just like women feed off security , mm .
Hmm , like we have to have that in our lives , like a woman who respects her man . That's why I love my wife so much .
She she's not home , but she knows all the stuff that I do , because you come in and everything's done and she knows I'm working full time and I'm , you know , doing everything else with the church and she comes in and she praises me constantly .
She has woken me up in the middle of the night , like later in the night I've already fallen asleep and she'll scare me because she's like touching my arm and I like baby , she's like I just love you so much . I can't stay mad at that one , but you still woke me up , that's what .
¶ Elevating Spouse's Support and Success
I said my wife's the biggest cheerleader . Yeah , almost to the point where it's annoying sometimes .
Right , yeah , it's . Oh , you're so supportive of me , will you please ?
stop . It's like , just let me leave . Okay , I know I got this . I know you know what are those things .
It's such a , it's a terrible life . It's horrible . But yeah , because I my first marriage , you probably couldn't test this too , because you obviously it didn't work out . But and no shame to her , but when I wanted to start doing photography and stuff , like , she told me I needed to go get a real job .
And now most months I make twice of what my wife does and she works a full-time job working at a college Eat . That is what I'm saying .
See , if you have a real job , then I guess not .
I'm still playing . Oh yeah , I have a real job . Yeah , I'm a pastor , but it's like , but I think the reason I am able to do what I do and keep going , even and that's the thing even times when it's dark . It's a low valley , you know , you get worn out sometimes but you have somebody in your corner saying you still can go on .
You'll kill yourself and not actually feel it , because you believe what they believe which is crazy .
Thursdays did I walk home and my phone will ring , because I talk to people all day , so my phone will ring . It'll be one of my kids calling me and Lori will answer the phone and say Dad's out of words , dad's not . You know , dad works Call mom Thursday , you know , so that you know , and she gets it , yeah , so .
It makes a big difference . It does Anything Like when I was starting off heavier in photography and I was really trying to . It was before I . I started the business with my mom , actually in 2012 , but and Jesse and I got married in 2015 . So , fast forward three years .
I transferred from the machinist job , got the same pay at the church I was working at , but then some people got disgruntled , they left , and when people stopped paying his eyes , there's got to be cut somewhere .
The pastor took a cut , but he's the big , you know , he's the one that should be getting paid the most from all the stuff that he does and has to carry , and so my pay got cut in half . And that was like six months after I left a job of benefit and took this job .
Well , I had this gear from when I started my company in 2012 , but I needed new stuff . It was outdated , you know things like that . And so she allowed me to use our personal funds to follow a dream that I had , and that was a big deal , because she don't like spending money . She's what I call a tightwad , but she'll make that penny squeal .
I'm the spender , she's the saver , but for her to allow me to do that and support me and not get upset because I'm spending the money that we're trying to save , because I had a vision and I knew if I really tried , I could do something with it .
And then I believe , besides God , she's the number one reason that I was able to make it into what it is today , because she believes that's what I mean by elevating your spouse , and to the fullest potential .