¶ Conflict Resolution and Intimacy in Marriage
But what a lot of people don't realize . And here's a tip for everyone Resolved conflicts increases intimacy . It's a good one . You get closer and closer , and when you're willing to allow yourself to be raw with your spouse men listen here If you're willing to be raw with your spouse , they love it .
I know you've had this and you probably had to navigate this Some high conflict . How do you approach dealing with a high conflict ?
marriage Relationship comes out in the first session after the assessment . Really when I say , tell me what's going on .
They start blaming each other .
Oh man it's , I call it the puke session . Yeah , that's a cute one , because everything comes out and each person has their own perception of reality and everything like that . So once it gets all out there , then what we do is is we start establishing the ground rules for communication . Three basic things I want every sentence that you communicate .
I want a request , an emotion or feeling , why , and then desired outcome . You got your brain spinning , all right . So here we go . I'm going to give you an example , real life example .
Sorry , lori , we're driving , we're driving back from Montana and out third Nebraska , I guess it was and I'm doing like above the speed limit We'll just say it like that and the cruise controls on and it's raining , and Lori looks over and pass you to look over and say slow down . I say , yeah , right , and I went slow down .
So since we've done this and done the training on it and stuff , now she'll look over and she'll say you know what , bill , if you'd slow down , it'd give me less anxiety and I'd be more comfortable while you drive . I'd be much pleasant to drive with . It's much easier . I hear you yeah , I drive and scared you .
Great , I slow down so that you're not complaining and yelling at me . Yeah , and that's so . We established ground rules for communication . I've actually , every once in a while I've just sat back watching fight , because you learn so much from the dynamics of who's in control , who's the boss , and you can actually see people cower towards the other one .
Yeah , yeah , you watch their hands , you watch their vocals , all their paravirbels , I guess , is what you call them , everything that goes into an argument . And you know we go home and we have rules to fighting . Rule number one you cannot stand up and fight . Well , if I stand up , my wife's small , so if I stand up , it's intimidating .
Oh , yeah , great , I'm going to sit down . And , yeah , you do that . But what a lot of people don't realize , and here's a tip for everyone resolve conflicts increases intimacy . That's a good one , you get closer and closer and when you're willing to allow yourself to be raw with your spouse men listen here .
If you're willing to be raw with your spouse , they love it .
Yeah , and the intimacy increases , which is what you want .
Now , if you want , there's five types of intimacy . Remember that . Oh , what are they ? Tell us ? Ok . So you have intellectual intimacy Can you sit down and have a deep conversation about something ? Then you have spiritual intimacy . Are you on the same page spiritually ? You'd be surprised at how many couples aren't on the same page spiritually , yeah , ok .
And then you have emotional intimacy . Can you share your raw feelings with each other ? And then you have non-sexual physical touch intimacy . Ok , that's just the correct thing to do , yeah , stuff like that . And then you have the intimacy that everyone drives for is the sexual intimacy .
And with that , if you get the other four going , man , the last one's great .
So that's the four parts of it . Getting those four going will lead you to the fifth fellas . It will so , Just in case you were wondering . So what are some common marriage myths that you frequently run into ? I love these .
So do you want the churchie answer or do you want the other ?
I want both of them or I want all of them . I want to get them all .
Well , number one , marriage is not 50-50 . Ok , 50-50, . There's a line in the middle . Marriage isn't even 75 , 75 . Marriage is 100% . You got to be 100% in on them . Yeah , and that goes back to giving everything you got to it . I'm going to bouse a little bit . My spouse completes me . I love it . Oh , lori completes me .
No , hopefully you're a complete person walking into a relationship , otherwise you're going to have nothing but turmoil and that's why there's so much trouble .
Yeah , exactly .
It's my responsibility to make sure my spouse stays happy , and then you get into some of the good ones here . Next to God , my wife is the most important person in the relationship .
Now why is that one a myth ? Explain a little bit .
Next to God , I am the most important person in my relationship .
Now why is that ? Explain why it's backwards than what most people think .
And here's the reason it's up to me to maintain my physical , mental and spiritual health . If I maintain those , then I can overflow goodness into my wife . So I am important , so that I maintain myself in a state that I'm overflowing goodness . And if I'm doing that and Lori's doing that , then we're both overflowing goodness , we're both healthy , we're both happy .
And then it creates that's the me . It's a me-we-us theory . So that's the me we're happy and a full me . And then the we , which is Lori and I , are able to come together and overflow more .
And then , when that overflows , then it's CS , which is our family , so two complete people coming together is one , two complete people coming together is one .
You've got it and that makes a lot more sense and if you focus when I say that people are like that's not right .
No , it's like . That's why you're doing it wrong , bro , you're doing it wrong .
And then here's the other one . All right , and that's the one you said earlier . This is the one I'm not supposed to say . Be ready . The man is the head of the household and the wife must submit to his authority . I love when I hear that , because I think I told you this yesterday . The Bible does say that .
Yeah , but what about the first person in front of it or after it ? You know where it says that God made a companion right and that you're together . And then it says treat your wife like God treats the church , which means you give up everything . Yeah , that means the Harley that's in my garage . If my wife says hey , bill , now hold on now . It's gone .
So , yeah , your wife will submit unconditionally if you're treating her like God treats the church Absolutely . But that is one of the most abused lines in the Bible , I think . So that is the other myth , that I tried to use that one .
It didn't work out too well .
It didn't work out too well .
¶ Leadership in Marriage and Work
But here's the thing , just like let's just use the basics of a workplace atmosphere you have a boss that is a CEO or whatever . If he leads with integrity and you see him sacrificing in the trenches and working alongside of his subordinates , the people who are underneath him will serve just as hard as him , believe in the mission and the vision .
And it's the same thing in marriage , like if I serve my wife like Jesus washed the feet of the disciples , like he did those things , and I'm telling people that was his purpose to give of himself , literally to the end , to give of himself . And that's how we're supposed to do for our wives .
And then men try to tell women to submit to him , but they're not giving them anything to submit to . No , there's no reason to respect them , there's no reason to honor them or lift them , because there's . All you're wanting is someone to bow down to you .
So now to run that all the way out . If we have a discussion , let's say we want to build a new house and we talk about it and everything , and it's like , well , I do have final word , but that's after taking everything consideration in a decision . But if I went home and said , hey , Lori , we're building a house , say what ?
No conversation or nothing , Just where's my foot ? I'm putting it down , lady the house , and she'd say hope you like your house . See ya , I'm going to be here with my turtles .
Yeah , I hope Now that is a sure sign of love . Right there , the turtle sanctuary .
How many you got now ? 11 ? Yes 11 .
I got somebody up Lord's blessing . They said , oh , this is so cool . I said , yeah , we'll be setting up in Canton .
Hey , make some money , but that's good , that's good . So what would those marriage myths ? One more time for the listeners .
Man . Is that a household ? Yeah , and the wife must admit that's good to go if you're elevating your wife the way God wants you to be . Yeah , marriage is not 50-50 like everyone thinks . That's the God , and my wife is the most important person in the relationship . Work on yourself , man . Take an inventory of yourself every day .
Yeah , my spouse completes me , your person , by yourself , and it's not your responsible ability to keep your spouse happy . No , hope you end up merger with your first couple . Goodbye .