¶ Faith, Failure, and Leaving the Church
So I thought stay in there and helping him was what I was supposed to do , and at that moment I got out of God's will for my life . Faith and Failure Podcast .
Now did you ? Of course ? You said you were young . Of course , when we're all early 20s , our brain hadn't even developed yet . But did you feel at the time that you were stepping out of God's will , or you just thought , maybe this was the next step of where God was leading you to in that moment ? Yeah , I was confused .
I thought Did you have reservations on it , or you just thought ?
maybe . Yeah , because my heart wanted to go back home to Shelley , yeah , but yeah , I wanted to preach and he needed help , yeah , and so I stayed there and I got a job and that and that during the end was when , you know I'll say , the devil tried to kill me several times in my life , take me out where I wouldn't do God's will .
I got a job with a bridge company and I don't know if y'all want to name the bridge or anything , but anyway , it's a real high bridge , yeah , and we were at the middle of it and from the middle down to the Mississippi River was one mile . From the bridge down to the water was one mile . Wow , and that's a long , a long drop .
It's a real , real tall bridge , real tall .
And there was a Spanish guy there I was working with and I was able to witness to him for a couple of weeks and then he accepted Christ , and so I know God still used me in the times , and so one day we were putting another section together and so the concrete truck see , inside the bridge there's concrete trucks can be inside the bridge , not out there
where the cars would be , but inside . There's a whole another deal . So we'd drive our trucks through there . But anyway , we were in there and the black guy that , the concrete guy , he swung the bucket around . You know , let the concrete out , yeah , and it hit me and the Spanish guy .
And the Spanish guy went over the side and the black guy barely caught me and pulled me on . He saved my life and barely pulled me back on Because I'd been gone to . They never found the Spanish guy . Once he hit , they never found him . I quit that day and and I just told the pastor of the church , I said listen , I'm going home . I don't know .
He scared me and so I traveled back home and got my little brother . He had a 69 Chevrolet pickup truck , you know , the big old steering wheels got steel bar in them .
Well , we're coming back to get my little bit of stuff and so I can go back home and we're probably two , three miles from the church or my apartment where I was at , and a guy in the gas station comes straight out . I never even hit my brakes when I hit him in the side of his driver door . It was a full fledged 55 , 60 mile an hour crash .
It knocked him out of his passenger door of his truck and I didn't even know this happened . The steering wheel hit me between my nose , my top lip and I bent the steering wheel in half , should have broke my neck , should have knocked all my teeth out . The motor of our truck come in .
So my little brother hit the floorboard and the motor come in and pinned him in there . So I jumped out and run around to his side to get him out . Once I got him out , all the bystanders were looking at me and said man , are you OK ? I said I'm fine , I didn't get hit .
And they're I guess they're seeing my lip just instantly swell up and they're looking at that steering wheel . And I took about two more steps and then I passed out .
And then when I come to us in the hospital and Shelly made so much fun of me because it done went down by the time I got home to see her but my lip was swollen up over my nose , holy moly . And I mean it didn't knock my teeth out or nothing , but it could have killed us . Yeah , you know . So we left and you know on that pastor was .
So I got my eyes on man from that day forward . I moved back home and then me and Shelly got married and we tried to go to church with the kids off and on . Then all that happened with that other preacher and different things , and I told her . I said , listen , can't do it .
I said I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I don't know , I can't do it . I can't be the only one that's trying to do right ? So when the girls got older , I stayed out of church off and on and then we started going back to Gladewater Church of God . It's another pastor there and God started tugging on me to preach again .
Every time he's always wanting me to preach . And so I started preaching and got to where it was about . Ever Wednesday or every other Wednesday , everything's going good . You know when you just feel something's not quite right , but you can't pinpoint it . You don't know where it's coming from or what .
So we're sitting there in service and these two kids are demon possessed . Now I'd seen this through church from a distance . I'd never been hands on or never been confrontational with Satan in this form or fashion . We get up there and the pastor calls me up there with them . And you know , my life's right I'm , you know , but I've never done it before .
You know , I fought with Satan like that . And so we're casting demons out of this boy . And then it's time to cast the demons out of this girl . And she raises up in a man's voice and she looks straight at that pastor and she said why don't you climb on me now ?
You did my climbing on me in private and he falls backwards and jumps backwards running and shoves me up in that devil's face .
It sounds like your wife when she said I don't care what's going on , I will push all y'all down and I will be the one that makes it out .
He pushed me up in front of that and I rebuked that demon .
Yeah .
And and he went out and the girl got delivered . But the Satan was trying to tell on that pastor what , what came of that . He got away with it for a long time . So it was actually true . It was actually true .
And it and it come out later Now he don't have his credentials anymore , yeah , and it took like 20 something years and it came out and but we knew something you know was bad , wrong . And after that I told Shelly . I said I can't do it , no more , I cannot all these .
So I didn't go to church and I made a statement right then I made it to God and that was the that was the one we were just in .
Yes Sunday yes .
I forgot about that and I and I made the statement to Shelly and God and everyone else that knew me . I said I'm done , not done with God . I love God , but I'm not preaching , I'm not ever stepping foot in another church . I'm not going to allow people to hurt me , no more . I'm not going to allow people to .
I don't want to see them live these two lives Now , did you ?
did you know the information was true when you said that , or did that come out later ? About that pastor , about him ? No , it came out later , okay , so you just so . What was the ? What was the straw that both the camel's back in that scenario Was it ?
I was self-employed and and back then God had blessed us so much . I mean we were making a lot of money , yeah , a lot of money , and they , they pulled from us a lot , yeah , and they would only bring us self-employed people up to play hands on us so we'd bring , make more money and get more money to the church .
If me and Shelly ever done anything , did that work ?
We'll lay our hands on each other . We'll bring a shirt , son .
Me and Shelly wanted to do things in private . Right , yeah , 100% . And . And they Like the Bible says yes . But people wanted to show boat yeah , different things . And . And then they would even come to us hey , we've got this need , can you take care of it All ? They bring you in . When it has something to do with needing , yeah , and .
And then I hated the fact where they put us up here because we're self-employed and and I promise you , a church will go further with regular layman workers yeah , then , self-employed people , I promise you that . And they got left out and pushed down because they wouldn't bring in bulk money .
And I told Shelly I said I'm just , I'm done with people , priorities are wrong . And then , yeah , I'm done with people . And so so what ?
the what in the actual , the actual , what in the actual ? Like something happened , nothing . It was just kind of a slow , kind of yes , it's time .
If I'd have ran into some peep , some preachers and and different people that really were true to God and really lived out , lived the same life in church , outside of church . That's what I was looking for , yeah , and uh , it just didn't exist anywhere around me .
I mean , my own brother-in-law was a pastor , yeah , and he slept with people in the church and he still drank and still . And you know I hate to say it , but Shelly has an uncle that was a church of God pastor was selling drugs out back of his car . Why was a pastor ? So I seen it was the devil .
Made sure , I seen so much , yeah , that it run my calling , you know , because I beat myself up so bad , because I stepped out , I stepped away from God because of people where God probably could have used me to help every one of them , but I didn't see that , you know .
And so it was easier for Kenny to just run and be alone and Reverberate back to that , to just I'm good by myself , I'm good by my mail , yeah , just my little circle , and I took care of my wife , my girls , and then let nobody in close to me . No friend , I don't have friends . I didn't want nobody , didn't need nobody . I was self-sufficient .
Now God had blessed us with a beautiful job . I mean our business has taken off because I started another . I bought another business that God wasn't a part of .
Yeah , and who was it ? Just for the listeners that says they want to do that with it ? Who was it again ? Was that your wife ?
that said yeah , I asked Shelly . I said are you going to help me run this business ? She goes oh no . I said what do you mean ? She said no , I help you with the one God gave you . She said but this one here Kenny's getting . And I said , no , it's going to be fine , let me , I'll prove to you , I'll show you , I'll make this work .
Well , I lost Ever bit of money I ever made and but I learned some valuable , valuable life lessons through it , I bet Through it , and so I got out of that situation . And but through that God showed me , said if you will stick to what I give you , it will flourish . And that's what I've done .
And I stayed out of church for seven , 17 years and was bound and termed . I was not going back .
¶ Answered Prayers Leading to Church Attendance
Now for those who really who don't know , maybe your recent story . So I'm a pastor of a church and on Tuesday mornings we're going to segue into his current story , and Tuesday mornings we have prayer meeting at 10 and Tuesday nights we have it at seven .
And so I , on purpose , every single Tuesday , I walked the parking lot , I go out and I know at the corners of the church and I pray God's blessing , I know what the doorpost walking in and out to the sanctuary and into the church itself .
I know in every doorpost in that place , actually for every classroom , for every any little offices , anything that we have , that is , people go in and out .
I anoint it Specifically because when the angel of death came and the children of Israel , god told them to protect their families , to put the blood of the lamb over the doorpost , and so I'm anointing that doorpost so that there can be no evil or no death enter into the place .
I also go to the little house right there and I anoint their entryway as well , and Jesse , actually , on Tuesday nights , when she can make it from work , she goes and she anoints , like the gate out there now she anoints the gatepost . And so we got that place , old , up and slick . So if you ever walk in and you slip , it's just the anointing .
Well , one of my prayers that I started when we took over the church was that the cars passing by were out on 1844 , the cars passing by , that not man , but the spirit of God would draw people in to this church and jumping a little bit around . Last Sunday we had 139 people show up that's including kids and everything , and there was 115 in the sanctuary .
We're almost at capacity . But I think it's because of prayer of people that believe God can do what he says he can do and that when people are about the vision and the mission of God not about building man's kingdom but about building the kingdom of God God blesses that .
He does things beyond and pulls us out of our comfort zone and puts us in places that we never thought we would be again . Because when I was younger , in my early 20s , before I got married for the first time , I was feeling my daddy's pulpit .
He'd let me preach , I was his youth pastor , he would let me preach and sing , crept into my camp and all these things along the way where I let man dictate what God was trying to do in my life pulled me out of ministry and then I went and tried to do studio engineering , failed out of that , my family fell apart .
She left me from Orlando and went , took my kid , all these things that I let the devil in and it just manipulated and twisted up everything , every call that God had on my life , every position that God was trying to place me in . I allowed it to happen . It's nobody's fault but my own .
But I allowed influence outside , influences beyond the spirit to pull me out where God was trying to pull me into . So , that being said , I tell Kenny this a lot and I say it from the pulpit a lot is that we're seeing right now in our church the product of prayer on purpose .
Now I said I would pray and point to the street out there and I would say that I wanted the spirit of God to pull people in . And now we're going to go back to Kenny's story that literally is intertwined with answers to my prayer . So go ahead , tell them about you driving by the church .
Well , I'm a paint contractor so I travel all these back roads and side roads and everything going to all these jobs and stuff , knowing that I'm not ever going back to church again or anything . I've made that very clear .
I'm driving down , I start working for doing a lot of work for Union Grove School and we live in Hullsville , so my quickest route is down 1844 .
So for two years I'm driving through there and where the church is now it used to be called the white fence farm and I guess I was always attracted to there because we painted the fence out front one time and traded them for a quarter horse so , and the horse didn't work out very well , but anyway .
So I'm driving through there and it's just a metal building church and has a sign out there that says connect , and I'm just like drawn to it and I'm thinking , what am I doing ? Well , I mean so anyway , I'd come back and I had to look over there every time .
And then it got to the point to where I felt such a tugging on wanting to know about this church that I even slowed down one day and I was gonna pull in and just sat in the parking lot and I said , all right God . What are you pulling on me for ? What do you even want ?
But they had orange cones setting up in the driveway and what in the gate there .
Because young blood's coming there and peel out of the parking lot . We come in and there's like marks everywhere . So one of my specific prayers I would say I'll pray to God and I still pray to this day that people will drive by and the spirit of God will pull them in and they wouldn't even understand why they wanted to come in .
Yeah , and that was me , because I had no clue why I was drawn to this church and if it would have said church of God anywhere on the sign .
He found out from his sister that was already coming there for months . No , she found out from me . Oh , you found out from your mom , didn't you ? No , who'd you ?
find out from Right here in this living room , when we was taking the growth track , oh , me and my wife hooked each other , said , oh , this is church of God . I didn't remember that , I didn't know that , but I already hooked in . Hey , god had already . So , oh man , that's great . So I kept .
I knew God was pulling on me but I wasn't about to tell my wife or anybody else that God was tugging at Kenny's heart because I was fighting this . I even went as far as to drive from Halsville straight down highway 80 and stop at every cotton pick and red light and all that traffic so I wouldn't have to drive by that church and fill that tugging .
But then when I would leave the job without even thinking I'd come down 1844 . And there it is . So I had this pulling on me and Shelley one evening we're sitting there and I am a creature habit . At certain times Everybody knows where I'm at . That knows me . They know what I'm doing and what time I'm doing it .
And Shelley , come , come set by me one evening and she said no , listen . She said I want you to be upset or anything . She said , but it's been a long , long time . And she said I'm fixing to go back to church somewhere . Well , I said I was probably , didn't say anything for a minute . I'm sitting there thinking , getting mad , palpating .
So finally , I think she said it again . I said that's fine . I said don't expect me to go , and if I do go I'm only gonna sit on the back row . I do not expect me to go every time the doors are open because that's not happening . And don't expect me to do anything . I'm not doing it .
And she looked at me and she said babe , I would never ask you to do any of that . She said at all . I said all right , then we understand each other . I'm glad we had this talk . I said now , where are you going ? She said well , I'm gonna go to Grace Creek and try it with Kailin and Mike . I said , okay , I'm not going . And I didn't go .
So she went and said she enjoyed it and everything , and so she's gonna go again . And I said by this time I already know my wife well enough . She wants to go , she's gonna go somewhere . So I looked at her . I said Shelly , I said if you're really gonna go and you want me to go every now and then with you ? I said I didn't wanna tell you .
But there's this little church on 1844 . Soften the above a little bit . I said I'm pulled to it for some reason . I don't know why , I don't wanna be , but I'm pulled to it . I said can we look them up and just see if they have anything on life so we can listen , or whatever ? And she goes yeah , we can do that .
So we pulled up Brother Stephen's message and the songs and I mean I did , my guts were just churning inside of me . And then he preaches , and I mean it was tape , but he was preaching straight to me , straight to Kenny , that day , and I told her . I said , oh , god does it . I said I don't know , I can relate to this guy .
I said I already , I can already relate to this guy . And so she said well , let's go there . So , and to back up just a little bit , this last year I'd come down with leukemia and they say there's no cure for the one that I have . And that's how much I guess I knew .
God was still tugging at me , but I didn't want him to because I even told God by myself when I got diagnosed with that cancer . I said , see , now I never can go back to church because everybody's gonna think I'm only going because I got cancer . Yeah , you know . But God has a way of breaking everybody down and getting his way . Yeah , he does .
And so me and Shelly went to that church service and I had no clue that that's the church my sister and brother-in-law Rocky were going to and resting because someone I knew they had started going church somewhere . But someone told me on 1845 , that's all the way across town , oh , 45 .
Yeah , so I was fine with that because I wasn't on church with no family , so I was okay with that . So and we go there and they're there and I'm thinking great . So we sat by him and my brother's up there singing and goes into preaching . He gives the altar call and I feel the most heavy tug . Every song they sang was about being healed from cancer .
It was about everything that I needed in my life renewing yourself . It was all his message . The songs , everything was that . I mean it's like God set the service up for Kenny , yeah . And I felt that pulling and I said , going up there , there ain't no way a new church Service .
Number one Hadn't been in church in 17 years , first time ever , back in , uh-uh . And all of a sudden , it's like the Holy Spirit just grabbed my shirt and picked me up and I went to the front and I thought I was gonna whisper to you what I had and you was gonna whisper to us prayer and you told everybody , you said it out in the whole entire church .
I apologize no , you don't have to apologize for that and I felt God not only renew me , it's like he just you take a tape and you hear that and fast forward everything they're everything I've ever been through and just run me out , cause I've never been right . Since then , I've never been the same .
Since that service , god has changed my entire DNA Because even when I preached , even when I went to church before , I still was reserved . I still didn't go to functions , I wasn't around people . If I preached , I preached and went home . That was the end of it . And so you laid hands on me , knowing me , with oil .
You and your wife and y'all prayed for me and I felt the healing virtue begin to flow through my body . Now been several months and my numbers still were getting bad and getting worse . But they plateaued after that . Yeah , they plateaued , didn't even budge , and then they started creeping up again , and so , me and Shelly , after that service I went to .
I didn't miss a church service since , but we didn't come to yours every time . That's the caveat . I went to another church . Well , I wanted to make sure because I felt a renewing and I said this time I have to be right with God . I have to let God end , pick what he wants .
He said that too . You said that you went somewhere else . He's like man , I felt like I was cheating . I knew I was supposed to be , and I said well , I mean , I would want to know if I'm going to put down a route somewhere . I need to know , because being a minister , you don't have that luxury to try different stuff and things like that .
So yeah , by all means .
¶ A Divine Encounter During Church Service
And then what did you say ? Hold on . What is it that you said ? Oh , it was the first lots we went out to , wasn't it ?
Yeah , the first time , you and I , when y'all came back and you said we're here , we had just had somebody who was doing our couples thing , and they just stepped down , like I think the week before or maybe two weeks before and there's always a need for something like that we never even knew y'all had a couple's deal .
Yeah , well , the thing was she had hurt her back or had an issue , and so they had been out for a while because she was in such pain . And I think they maybe came once or twice , but you didn't know who they were and they had stepped down .
And we got to lunch and I'm just getting to know him , he's just getting to know me , and he brings up , he says I want you to know we're here , we're not church hoppers , we're not when we say we're somewhere , we're somewhere . And so he says they feel a and I think the specific verb that you use was burden for couples .
And the reason that stood out to me is because I tell my leaders before they were a part of the leadership .
I tell my leaders , or my board members as well , we're looking for a worship leader right now and I say if they don't have a burden for it , I don't want them in that position because that will not sustain them , because there's good times that's great Right , and there's bad times , right .
But if you have a burden for , something you'll stick around to whether , when you are , when you have the , you catch the vision , you're a part of the mission . You understand the assignment , the . Just like in a marriage , the bad and the good , it's all . It all happens at some point .
But when you have that burden , the burden will sustain you through the bad . And he used that verbiage and he didn't know and I didn't tell him then that we just had an open spot .
Now , coming from somebody who just said that he told God and everybody , well , and then now I'll , now I'll go , but I ain't gonna do nothing , Don't expect me to do anything , and so kind of in continue on there .
And so we , we bounced around a little bit , but when we knew we were there , we were there and God had just turned me around to where it wasn't enough to just come on the Sunday morning .
And so I , I come to the prayer meetings in the mornings and , you know , just got to I don't know , I bet we've wasn't there four times probably , and you tell me , out of the norm for me .
That's so good .
I'm not gonna say they . He has passed on his wife . The pastor's wife , uh didn't get to come to church . She wasn't feeling well or something that morning .
Yeah , that's what . And so Now , before he says what he's gonna say , I get to church or I'm headed to church by myself , and if you're a part of our denomination , you know that I usually don't show up at any church or God things , because I don't like going to my wife , can't go Like to me , that's a covering of protection .
Well , I'm going to church and I'm .
That is in my mind that I'm thinking Lord , because right now was I said a minute ago , we're looking for a worship leader because right now I'm the one doing it and preaching , and so it's very hard for someone to be leading worship and lead on a leading instrument , and then if there's altar or there's two , you can't be in two places at once .
And so I'm thinking , I'm praying all the way to church over the service and I'm saying , lord , I need help today . That was my exact prayer to God , I need help today .
And then this happens so I'm sitting there and I feel the spirit moving on me and tugging on me , and we hadn't been there four times probably .
Very new . Like people knew his first name Right , that was if they knew that .
Yeah , and so the Lord spoke to me and wanted me to go up and say a few words and have people come down for prayer and healing . I said , lord , there's no way , there's no way I can do this . And I kept fighting it and fighting it and he was going on with the songs and everything , and it was getting stronger and stronger .
And he said and later we were talking , he said he gets to his last song , that he's supposed to be finished and move on with the service . So , finally , and so he's , he's at that point and I'm at the point where I said all right , lord , if you really want me to do it , he won't stop .
Well , at that , at that moment in time , we kind of have a system set up to where when I do my last song , I'll nod to whoever's doing the welcome to visitors and offering and things like that , and I just I did not feel that release yet . Like I felt like there was just I didn't know what .
I had nothing on my mind except I couldn't stop yet and so I just kind of kept playing , and I don't even know if I was at the microphone , I was just kind of playing . You had your eyes closed . Yeah , I had my eyes closed . I wouldn't really do anything . It was good there , just for a minute , oh , did you .
So I got to where , if I didn't get up , I was losing my breath at my seat . I was gasping for air because the Lord wanted me to do this , or I was going to faint . I was going to faint , yes . So finally I just said all right , lord , I have to do this . So I go up there and I stand in front of him .
He's got his eyes closed , you're not even seeing me . So finally I reach up to barely touch his elbow and he opens his eyes and I said , brother , I have to say something .
And I didn't jump or anything . This is an important part of the story . I did not jump because apparently we have a safety team , as some safety people , and apparently they were shadowing him because , like we said , nobody really knew who he was , and so I mean they're there to protect the pastor or whatever , because you never know who comes in the church .
You know our doors are open to anybody , so we got to be prepared for that to happen and apparently he didn't do it by what was protocol Right ?
I didn't know .
That was what was told to him later . But he felt God had to tell him something . Now he didn't really know the system there . He didn't even you probably didn't know who to go to if you were supposed to , because you didn't know really anybody else either . You just knew that God had some for you to say , and the guy told him later .
He told me later , after the service , he met me in the parking line . He said you know , I was watching and if you would have jumped it would have been a whole different kind of service . But I didn't . It was God , that's all . It was 100% God .
He knew you had to say something and he knew I couldn't quit because I could not take the service to the next place where I knew it needed to go . I felt it needed to go , but I didn't have the capacity to do both positions and so he made it where you couldn't breathe , so that you would .
Yeah , that's amazing . And for me to even remotely get up and do that after 17 years of not even being in church , you know .
I was looking at some of the videos . Actually this morning I was editing down the one from last Sunday because once we go on the live stream on the church YouTube channel , we leave it where it's worship and everything until like Friday or Saturday and then we'll edit to where it's just the message .
And one of those I went back and had clicked on was that exact service . And I heard you start like normally I don't do this or this , they can't hear you .
You know you're setting them up because you're like listen , I know I'm new here , this ain't me , but it was 100% ordained by God , like from start to finish , from my prayer in the car till I got to the church , like it was all of his story led him up to be here and then how a priest on a whim that you tell him out of my comfort zone .
So now remember he said he won't go do anything if he go to church with his wife . And once they went he mentioned growth track earlier once he went through our growth track , which is it's our core values , core beliefs , and we talk about spiritual gifts , what your spiritual gifts are , and then they kind of share all of ours .
We kind of make it's a group activity . It's also a little bit of our connect kind of membership class type deal . So if you want to become a member or you want to be a leader and serve in that capacity , you have to go through our growth track so that you're we're all on the same page .
And so they went through it , found out we were a church of God and then what your , your mom was talking about the church or something and your sister was standing there that had been going longer than he has .
And she said it's a church of God . It was shocked .
She didn't know , I don't know how to which we didn't put it on the sign , but I mean , I mentioned it from the pulpit I know . But so now , after they went to the growth track and then we have a 90 day period where we make sure you're going to stick around .
So we , as soon as that 90 days was up , we had a which we're going to do in September again a , a member membership service . Welcome y'all in and your daughter and son-in-law at the same time . So that burden put you in a play , put you on my radar , and then we we asked y'all to be .
Now they're over our married group and so for somebody who doesn't want to do much , he's he's doing a lot .
¶ Experiences With Illness and Healing
Explain how I had to breach all the will . So two weeks ago I , the Thursday of that week I was working . My first job was at 10, . My last job was at 830 that night because we wanted she wanted to do a night shoot of some house in Tyler , so I had zero time at all to do any sort of like actual sit down meal .
My wife thinks I got food poisoning . Maybe I ate something bad from a gas station , I don't know , but it was . I normally don't get sick Like I'll get , like maybe some head or stuffy nose , like right now my nose won't stop , but most of the time it's allergies or something like that .
But this was like in my stomach , like I felt like an alien movie , like something was in there and it wasn't coming up , it wasn't going down , it was just like stuck . And so , being the man that I am , I don't want nobody to know that I'm sick .
Like normally , if I get sick I won't say a word , I'll do whatever I gotta do and nobody will ever know it . And this was something else . I waited also all day . Friday I felt this Like I almost passed out one time . I had to put cold water in my back .
It kind of the sound started coming back and the room stopped spinning and I was like , what is cool ? It was like one of those where , like , I could barely talk .
When Jesse called me , she was asking if I was all right , cause she , if she watches this back , cause she wouldn't if she's watching now that she's actually in the back , she wouldn't come home and take care of her husband . She stayed at work but , and so I was feeling terrible .
So Saturday I wake up and I'm a little bit better and it felt like , whatever it was moved down , but anytime I would get up I try to do some work in the office . I'm like , okay , I'm not like yesterday , I'm a little better .
And I , just as soon as I started moving around , it was like it would hit me again and then really , really bad headache , and so I waited till I don't know when it was I finally texted you about it or called you , or Well , I called you .
Oh yeah , that's right and Shelly had talked because y'all had to cancel the growth track . Yeah , the growth track was that day , so I called you to tell you we're gonna forfeit our couples deal . So y'all cause that was more .
For that next Saturday , cause they had a couples thing and so they were saying we'll just reschedule the growth track and that way , because that's to them was more important , and we appreciate that and so I asked Jesse , what was your plans for the service ?
And we both kind of laughed which we had done it before when Jesse and I had to miss was we had just rebroadcasted a live stream and they would put it on the screen and it actually the people in the media booth sent me pictures and the altars were full , so I guess it landed twice .
But we kind of laughed and I said I think I told you that I said something . I say unless you got something , do you ?
Yeah , and I couldn't lie to you Dead quiet .
He didn't say a word for a few seconds . I was thinking in my head like hello , Are you still there ? I don't hear anything .
And then what did you say ? I said well , I can't lie to you , brother . I said God had given me a message to preach . It's been I hadn't put it on paper even yet but it's been in my head , my thoughts , every morning , every night , for about a week or so , and so I couldn't tell you I didn't have a message .
But something that he said was last minute God had already been working on them . It wasn't that bad .
But yeah , and so Saturday afternoon and I had to preach Sunday morning and it was strictly God Almighty touched me .
So tell them about your blackouts .
He laughs about it .
But every time I've ever preached in my life you can tell and this is my first time that I've ever seen myself preach , because I've never been anywhere where it was taped or anything and you can obviously see when I get up there and it's me and I'm nervous and I'm just getting going , and then you can see instantly when the Lord takes over and handles me ,
because I wouldn't even see in Kenny up there . I mean it was .
So did you pick up on your challenge in vocabulary when you'd say something Huh , did you ? You know what I'm talking about ? Huh , answer me Like get them , lord , get them . That was a good service . And then he said and then he talked a little bit about his cancer , then he felt impressed to have people come down specifically for cancer and the altar .
The Lord had spoke to me when he'd given me the message . I knew I was gonna preach it somewhere .
Because he laid on my heart about the altar service and I've never I've had messages come to me but I've never had something about the altar service come to me and because the Lord wanted us to enter in one mind and one accord for anything that need prayer for , but he wanted it one at a time , by each section , and he wanted to do a work in it , and so
that's what I followed through with , and so I included myself in that cancer deal , and then that next Thursday was my cancer appointment and Now , did any that Sunday ?
did anybody pray for you , or did you just pray for other people ?
No , vernon anointed me , did he ? Okay , yes .
Because they usually in our altar time at our service . We cut it off just for people's privacy , so it's not out there . But yeah .
So , yeah , vernon and them late , and they were all knowing me and laid hands on me , so that Thursday was my cancer doctor appointment and so I do my blood work and we go in there and he comes in and he's a little quiet , the doctor , and he's an Indian doctor , he's a little quiet and kind of has a puzzle .
Look on his face and I mean she's looking at each other like and normally he's more , you know , more negative , and he's going over everything and he's saying something . And Shelly said what are you trying to say ? He said well , I don't know other than his body's responding well . And Shelly looks at me and said we responded to watch you .
He ain't had nothing but Jesus , yeah . And so he turns the screen around and he starts showing the numbers and he , shelly , said what are you trying to tell us ? He said I'm trying to tell you that ever all of his cancer numbers dropped down 50% , which now is at the level when they first found out I had leukemia .
I mean , take that devil , awesome , that's all . And I hadn't been near as fatigued . I have had great days . I mean I feel so good . God is doing a work and that when I preached that message . That's what God showed me .
He said in this message I'm going to show you that I could have left in time and went and healed Lazarus before he died , but I wanted to show a miracle and show how good my father is . Yeah , and he spoke to me as I prepared . He said , kenny , I'm going to heal you . I'm just going to tarry a couple of days .
But I thought he was yeah , and I mean , and I accept it and he's healed me 50% . So there's someone else out there that still needs to see my life go through something , through this , because we've all struggled so much in our lives and we know what Jesus done for us . He done the ultimate sacrifice and the beatings and everything that he suffered for us .
I'm not going to let a little cancer get me . If I can't suffer that , he at least saved my soul , stephen . He saved my . I don't need nothing else past that . I don't need anything . He saved my soul . So if I can't suffer a little bit on earth for him , for what he done for me , I'm willing to .
There's just I think we're singing it Sunday . Let me look right quick to this text message I sent out to the group . I think it's available . Yeah , there's a song called available and one of the lines in there we're going to sing it Sunday is for the one who gave his life . Nothing is a sacrifice , man . How many has never thought that way ?
You know we talk all the time about as Christians , we need to sacrifice . We need to sacrifice . We need to give up this , give up that Really , if you break it down .
Yeah .
We don't ever have to give up a whole lot for his name Hardly , especially here in America , right , and most of the time it's pride . Yeah , that's the big one it is . But so any more to the story . I mean , we let up literally the last two weeks . No , that's so . I want you to just for a second .
There are definitely different segments and different chapters of your life and looking back from where you are now to where you came from , from your start , to just your middle , not the end , what would you say to somebody who has went through the same thing , or has been in abusive relationships or had that abusive parent , or who has went through a time where
they've been betrayed or hurt by church people , or went through a time where they've been in the marriage where they were the selfish one and they were the ? I mean , you have all these . It's almost like these different people that have compiled but have , in my personal opinion , like Jesse asked me , she used to ask me a lot when we were first married .
She was like , I guess because she thought I was better than , but she would say , where were you ? Like her whole early
¶ Finding Hope and Support in Struggles
adult life . I said I was being refined , I would not have been the man that you needed to bring honor and glory to you , I would not have been in the man to love you in the way that I love you now , to appreciate you in the way that I appreciate you now , and I feel that that's a constant part of our journey , that we , you know .
You can always look back and see I should have did this different , but I can see where it molded me to be the man of God or the woman of God that I should have been the whole time , but I've got a hard head . Now I don't have to learn lessons twice , but when I learned them once , I learned them real good . So what ?
Somebody's watching right now , listening right now . What would you say to them as far as how they should be looking at it ? Or , better yet , the hope that they can have that , even though they have doubts , even though they've been hurt , that not every church is the same , and to not base their definition of God by people who's hurt you Right ?
Yeah , because you know , when I do look back at all the struggles and all the things that I went through , you know , I guess the Lord knew I needed to go through all that to get to the point where I am now and even having the cancer , to get me to the point where I say , all right , god , nothing on earth matters now , no one , no thing matters .
My life is turned to the point to where God forbid . But even if you turned away , my wife turned away , kenny's not turning away . Yeah , I finally turned a leaf where God , going through all the things that I went through and you know I'm so sorrowful that I allow Satan to use people to keep me from God's work .
But you know , I read something the other day and God showed me that Kenny , I'm never too early and I'm never too late , so he's just on time . Yeah , and it was just a perfect time for him to take me . I finally got to the point where I let go and let God and I totally sold out to where now I wanna help man that struggles .
If you struggle , before I looked for your struggles so I'd have an excuse to stay home and feel good about it . Okay , now if I see your struggles , I wanna help you . I wanna help give you whatever it takes . Whatever I've been through , I wanna help you get to that next level , to where we can be strong together .
And then God is wanting to put an army together . He is , he's doing it right now that will stand for his name , no matter what you go through , no matter what you suffer through . We're not turning our backs on him . This is who Kenny is and for once now I can literally say I'm backing God's will for my life .
And something that you said that I've personally been a product of . Just in the short time that I've known you , it is something very personal in my life that I was struggling with that I'd never I talk about it , but I never had been vulnerable to somebody about it . And there was a time where I was , for some reason , the pool talking about pornography .
The pool was so heavy on me and it kept trying to . I know some of y'all may think pastures are perfect , but we're not . It kept trying to pull me and pull me , and pull me . It was like a constant struggle every single day , even if I wasn't failing . It was like it was there knocking at my door saying I know you can hear me .
You know it's like a little kid interested . When he was real little I was in the bathroom , you know , had the door locked because kids will walk in on you . And he's knocking on the door . What are you doing ? What are you doing ? His whole hand coming , what are you doing ?
I mean that's how it was doing , Like just trying to get in and find a way in , find a crack anywhere it could , and you quit going to church because of man . And you just said that you were willing to help and he had a conversation with me .
He came over one day and it's just a testimony of what God has done in his life and where he has placed him because I needed somebody to talk to about something that I didn't know how to talk to about , and it took him having to approach me another time where he was like man I don't know how am I supposed to say this to my pastor , but as soon as we
had that conversation and I had a dialogue with somebody this is the devil's game pride and shame and if he can get you to lock yourself out and seclude yourself from the herd so that you won't have accountability , so you won't let anybody in in your life , he'll use anything he can to make you feel so ashamed that you feel that , oh , if I tell anybody or
I talk to anybody about my struggle or my issue or my pain or my suffering , that it may have been 20 years ago , it may have been last week , if I tell anybody , they won't look at me the same again . And I literally felt that in my heart that if I , as a pastor , ever say that I have a struggle , even though I announce I have a struggle .
But to say one-on-one , I have a struggle . It was a different ball game and he waited two weeks to come . It was about two weeks , two and a half , three and a half weeks and the timeframe that he told me that was something of the hardest struggle and I've ever had in my life .
So let that be maybe a open door to some of you that if God is prompting you to and listen to me , this does not give you right to berate people with scripture and tell them how they're a sinner and dirty and they should be ashamed , cause then you're being the devil's hands and feet . But that was some of the most .
To me , it felt like for some reason , it was the hardest struggle I've ever had and it was weird . It was it's hard to explain , but it was just like every single day , like I was just getting punched in the spirit .
And then , as soon as we had that conversation , you hadn't really said anything to me about it again since and I told him and this is what y'all need to understand you need to have somebody in your life that will , that you can trust , that will pray for you , that will be there for you , that reads the word , that knows the word and understands who God is
and is led by the spirit , so that if you have an issue , struggle , hurt or pain , or you're in a dark season of your life , you can go to that person and you can be able to talk to them about the struggles that you have Cause .
I haven't told anybody since that day and wasn't going to ever , until you just announced it , but that was never leaving my lips .
Well , and here's the thing , when he had this conversation with me , first of all , I could see his eyes . When we were talking , we were actually sitting on these two chairs right here and there was a worry in his eyes that I was going to pull back from him or it would damage the relationship .
And the devil even convinced me that you would ask me to leave the church .
Which is a real struggle . I mean , that's a real thought I don't wanna leave .
And it really happens .
¶ Seeking God's Help and Healing
Because when I came to the church , all I ever felt compelled was God wanted me to help you in some form or fashion . And he still . He just wants me there to help you . I don't care if it's praying for people . He wants me to help you If I preach every now and then . He just wants me to help you .
You know it's crazy . The very thing that stepped you out of God's will was what you're doing now . I know , but now it's God doing it .
And I'm not looking at man , cause I wanna help man .
God does the imitating man . God is so cool , but , and so what I did ? When he came to me in love and I could see the worry in his eyes that he didn't want to upset me , he didn't want me to feel like he was attacking me he actually came to me with the posture of love and what did that do ?
That helped me receive what God sent him there to say to me . He didn't come boldly , he didn't do nothing , he was just like hey , he was like you got a minute , can we sit down and talk Cause ?
I just patched the hoe in your wall .
Yeah , I thought it was something about like his family or there was something going on , cause people do this to me all the time . They say , hey , you got a minute . I know immediately when they asked that it's gonna be about them . I never thought for a second it was gonna be about me , but it was exactly what I needed in that moment .
I have not had the pull since he had that conversation with me . I felt released for you and I'm not saying , well , yes , I am . I'm saying it's directly tied . Sometimes we ask for God's blessing but we're not willing to release the burden of sin in our lives so that we can have the bandwidth to carry it .
I'm not saying it's directly tied , but I'm kind of saying it's directly tied . Is that ?
I think it's no mystery that the church has exploded in the last few weeks like it has , and you actually said that I think in that conversation that sometimes we will harbour sin or we will hold on to it not to be in sin but scared to let someone in , to be exposed in that way .
God can't fully do what His full word .
He can't . If we cover it up , it remains an open sore . But exposure if you ever cover a cut or something like that and you never let it breathe , it won't fully heal . It needs to breathe , it needs to be open , it needs to . You have to put medicine on it . I mean you have to do different things . You have to clean it so that it can properly heal .
There's nothing that will get infected faster than a wound that is not cleaned , and this was a wound in my life . Like somebody I'll know my story . I used to be addicted to myth .
Porn was a part of that world all the time , and so still to this day , and I tell my son this porn is damaging to relationships , it's damaging to your mind , it's damaging to your heart , it's damaging to your spirit and it leaves scars that , if not dealt with , years later , it will echo into a new life . You're trying to live in God .
You may be saved , you may be walking with the Lord , but sinful nature is real . And so I told him this , and I wanna challenge you this if you've never opened up to somebody about your struggle , if they gossip , if you hear them talk about other people to you , they're gonna talk about you to other people , so be very careful who you tell and open up to .
But I want you to understand what I told him . As I said , I want you to be that person for me that if I start struggling again , that I can come to you and not be judged but be held accountable . Being held accountable and being judged are not the same thing , two separate things .
So I don't know if you're struggling , I don't even know why we got on that topic , but just if anything else , god's led you here and I'm very selfish . God led you here for me Because I really feel like that bondage has been lifted .
I know it , yeah , and it's weird , like I saw and it wasn't revealing , but they just had like massive boobs with cleavage and summertime , if y'all don't know and you women dressed like hookers sorry , I'm blunt , and I don't know who the person was and I think it was on my business profile .
They're probably a realtor or something , but they're like taking the picture up here and it's just like I immediately went and unfollowed them and when I see things like that , I have not clicked into but I back out of and I'm disgusted .
You took a growth step , I did , I felt it and it was , and all it took was an open conversation with somebody that I didn't really know that well .
It took me being obedient that I didn't wanna be either , you know . But , God does think God will he uses everybody . I was at prayer meeting before this even happened because I was struggling God , how do I do this , how do I do this ? And Howard got up from praying oh yeah , and he looked at me and it confused me at first .
And he looked at me and he said , kenny , I have a word from you or for you , the Lord , what you've got in your heart , he said it's okay to release it . And I mean that's all that God put to seal stamp . So I knew . And then you told I remembered you had a hole in your wall .
Yeah .
And I wanted to fix it and you didn't have to run off that day and I just felt it was right and I needed it off of my chest .
So God used a kid putting her elbow through my wall at the house , like two months ago . But God is good , god has a plan and his word promises . He promises that everything , both good and bad , will work for the good of those who love the Lord . And you got any closing remarks or anything . I'm good brother .
I appreciate you letting me on .
I'm excited for what God's doing . I'm excited that people that we're pretty close with at church that are . But they're new . They're new to me for sure , but they've come in and they just completely missed . And it reminds me of the way that , like fabric is made , how it's intertwined and the tighter it gets , the stronger .
Nothing can be broken , Nothing can be pulled apart .
I mean , my brother , mike , is joining the church and in both and I never preached a word to him he just saw my life change and he had to get a part of it .
He had to come see what was going on . He did . Now how many of your siblings are at the church now ?
All but my sister Shiri , and she's going somewhere .
And she lives here in Longview , right , she does .
Yeah .
So it's somebody who didn't wanna go to . Only it's funny . Twice a year you saw each other talk to each other , went and say you love him and now we're all loving each other ever . Every single Sunday , sometimes multiple times a week . Yeah , bible study . Uh-huh man , it's so good . Yeah , bottom up .
The last little note if you don't know God , give your heart to God . If you've been hurt , if you've been mistreated , do not base your relationship or your definition of a church or the body that is the church on a moron that goes to a church . That's right . Oh , brother , I appreciate you coming on . Thank you so much for having me .
All right , make sure that if you are new to this channel , if you're watching on YouTube or Facebook or the group , we have a group of over 750 people .
¶ Promoting YouTube Channel and Podcasts
The YouTube channel now has over 1,300 subscribers . So , if you don't know , go to the YouTube . You can do YouTube forward , slash faith and failures and you can subscribe as well as any links below that will lead you to podcasts , any link that takes you to an Amazon affiliate , or you can give a one-time or a monthly through PayPal .
That will go for the furthering ministry of the gospel , and this is a ministry . Also , if you ever wanna come on the show , whether you believe like me or whether you don't , you have an open opportunity and an open door . You can email me at faithandfailures at gmail . Reach out to me if you're a Christian writer I've had several writers on .
I would love to interview you and platform you and lift you up and give people your information . Thank y'all , we love you and we will see you next time .
Faith and Failures Podcast .