¶ Improving Relationships
No , fighting in the bedroom . I don't know if you heard this . Bedrooms are made for two things sleeping in sex .
What are some exercises or habits that couples can adopt to improve their relationships ? Two rules .
Ok , we always add after this OK , two rules . Number one 30 minutes of conversation a night , real conversation , yeah , ok , sit down , look at each other and have a conversation . Talk about your dreams . Don't don't talk about work , don't talk about the weather and don't talk about kids . Talk about your dreams , your aspirations , things like that .
If you can journal it 30 minutes a night , you got to keep communicating somehow , ok . The other rule is no fighting in the bedroom . Do you know how many people start a fight when they go to bed ? No fighting in the bedroom . I don't know if you heard this . Bedrooms are made for two things sleeping in sex . So those are my two rules .
The first session I always implement . It's pretty good . I don't know if we've ever fallen in the bedroom . So then the second thing is this three rules that I try to live by , ok , number one I don't love my spouse . Love is a password . I'm in love with my spouse because when I'm in love with my spouse , I constantly pursue her . It's good .
Ok , I will pursue Lori as long as I'm in love with her , I love them .
But I don't pursue it . I don't pursue it .
Don't pray for your spouse . Go ahead , pass for Stephen , give him . So , pray over your spouse . I like that . Ok . There's many promises in the Bible about marriage and about people . Pray those promises over your spouse , yeah . And then the last one is and I'm going to get another word Look , cheat for your marriage .
Don't cheat in your marriage or on your marriage . Cheat for your marriage .
Didn't you say go have an affair earlier . What did you say ?
Yeah , go have an affair . Now I'm saying cheat for your marriage , cheat for your marriage . Figure out what your spouse's love language is and cheat to make sure you achieve that every day . Take that shortcut For me . Like I said , I had to program my phone for the text message .
Yeah , the other thing I had to do is my wife's love language is physical touch . Yeah , she loves to be cuddled . So for a while I set my alarm 15 minutes before hers , so then when she woke up , I was cuddling with her . That's what I mean by cheat . That's awesome .
That's definitely cheating .
Yeah , I mean . A lot of times our spouse's love languages don't come natural to us . Yeah , next time you buy Jesse a card , I want you to think of this . I don't do cards , but go ahead , don't buy a card that you like . Yeah , we are so good at that . We buy a card we like .
That's how we do our love languages .
I like this card , I'm going to buy from it . Buy one they like yeah Okay , I'm sarcastic , lori had to learn how to do this . Lori buys me some of the funniest cards in the world yeah , okay . And so we do . Our love language like that too . So my love language is intimate touch , so I'm going to hang all over , bill . No , get away from me .
Yeah , all right .
That's not my love language . Yeah , I had a friend and he was talking about him and his wife having some issues and kind of them being on different pages , and so I asked kind of how that looked .
And love languages that's kind of the starting point in a marriage to kind of get on the same page is being able to speak each other's language Not they speak yours , but you speak theirs . And he kind of told me what he thought hers was and what his was . And I said , well , how do you give gifts ? How do you show her that you love her ?
And so his first response and the first reaction was to do what he liked . But that doesn't translate . That's what we often do We'll what we like .
We'll put on somebody else when and it becomes a selfish thing or a misunderstanding when we should be doing what they like , not what we like , because we're trying to speak their language , not them speak ours , and so we need to be able to .
If she's touch infili and I'm gifts , which I am , I'm gifts 100% me giving her a gift , I'll think I'm doing something and she's like this is dumb , I've done it .
Or even if her so like when a lawyer says quality time too . So quality time is not getting on my motorcycle , he's going for a ride . Come on listen , my wife does not like to ride the motorcycle , so you know , especially at night , that's especially in it . Those are the things we got to look at . The other one is this we talk about love language .
How about language of apology ? What is an apology in your book , is it ? I'm sorry , babe , I'm sorry . Some people , that's okay . Some people , it's like hey , you know what , I'm truly sorry for acting like this and this is what I'm going to do to remit it . Some people , it involves a gift .
You got to figure out what your spouse expects for an apology , because otherwise you just throw out blankets .
But one of the things that like if her and I get into it , so one of her , probably two is quality time and touch , like she always likes to be touching , and then she wants to be around me , which is good . It's very good for our marriage .
But if we get an argument or things are heated or one of us has an attitude , whether it was me or whether it was her who started it and then now we're both in attitude , I will eventually I try to implement two things One , an apology , and two , I try to hold it when I say and that right there heals whatever happened instantly , and then we're immediately
both of us will talk like nothing ever happened , because when I tell her I'm sorry , I'm holding her and I really mean it .
This is security aspect . That physical touch holding her is a security that I'm going to let you go . So that's good .
I'm a relationship genius . Is what you're trying to ?
say you are . I'm just trying to figure out what you're arguing about , because aren't you a pastor ?
We don't argue as pastors . Well , we have spiritual disagreements . Okay , that's right . Spiritual enlightenment Do you have ? Are you a ?
reader , an avid reader . I love to travel because when we go up north we listen to books on tape .
Yeah , so what would be some in this category of relationship , what would be some that you would recommend ?
Marriage on the Rock . Jimmy Evans wrote that . Okay , that's a pretty good book . It actually teaches young couples how to break away from their spouse . I'm sorry , I told Lori my words where I go and I'm good today To break away from their parents . Okay , because you know everyone goes back to . Well , we've got to honor our parents .
You know you can honor your parents all you want , but they don't have to be in your business . Yeah , okay , side note on that . I say if you get married you want to live close enough that mom and dad can visit , but far enough away they need to call because it's a long drive home when you don't answer the door .
The other one is and I just listened to this the other couple of months ago the great sex rescue . Sheila Gregory wrote that she also writes a book called and we haven't listened to it yet Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and Good Boys Guide to Great Sex . Christian author .
It debunks a lot of the old stuff that is taught Like what would be an example of that . Okay , so you're going to something getting in trouble . True books that I do not recommend anymore is Love and Respect .
And what is it ? What was that one about ? I mean obviously the title , but like why do you not recommend this ?
I mean , I'll tell you that , okay , and the other one is the praying wife . Praying wife Okay , because both of them put so much responsibility on the wife . Okay , so if your husband looks at porn , it's your fault because you need to pray more . Okay , yes , just pray through it , or else .
Or else , if he's doing this , it's your fault because you're not , you're not opening yourself up enough sexually .
That's that old school like well , if something's wrong , just pray harder and read your Bible more . And that is good , but that is a solve everything .
So much in Love and Respect . You have to respect your husband and all he has to do is love you . I'll tell you what my wife wants love , but she wants respect too , and I've got papers on it at home that actually show where it is and the damage it does in relationships . So that's where you get the you must submit type stuff . So those are some .
Then the other one , and here's my church answer Are you ready ? Yeah , if you want to do something , get and this was so life changing for me get a good study Bible and go to Ephesians 5 , 22 and 23 and chase that sucker all the way out , because it's going to make you feel like you've missed the mark so bad .
Are you going to ? Are you going to cite that scripture , or you may look it up ? I will look it up . Let's look it up .
Ephesians 1 now 5 , 22 , 23 , 33 , you should know it , oh , 22 . Are you a pastor ?
For wives , I skipped this one . So 22, . Well , now let's start . We'll go back to 21 . And the title of this section is Spirit Guided Relationships Wives and Husbands . So 21 Ephesians , chapter 5 or 21 , it says and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ . So it's making Christ . We always leave that part out .
Wait , jesus has to be in it . Yeah , so submit out of reverence for Christ . Christ is number one , christ is the center of it all . And then 22 says for wives , this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord . Okay , for a husband is the head of his wife , as Christ is the head of the church . He is the savior of his body .
The church as the church submits to Christ . So your wife should submit to your husbands and everything . Then go on to 25 for the husbands . For husbands , this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church . He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean , washed by the cleansing of God's word .
He did it this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish . Instead , she will be holy and without fault . 28 , let's go ahead . In the same way , husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies . For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself .
No one hates his own body but feeds and care . No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it . Just as Christ cares for the church and we are members of his body .
So that puts a great weight and burden on the man Especially if you start with the study Bible and you start chasing that back , and chasing it back , and chasing it back , you know , and it's . I've got all the papers at home . But when I did that I was like , oh man , and that's why I always come back , but I'd much rather be a woman .
In some way it is like man . You know , I never imagined that God really wanted me to do all of this for my wife . Yeah , because so many times we read the first part , we stop .
Oh yeah , we're good at that . When we read the Bible , we read the part we like Eat , drink and be merry Boom . I can be an alcoholic , you're good , let's party guys . But let's see , make sure I'm not missing any questions . Remember , guys , if you have any questions , you can post them in the comments and we will respond .
We're getting close to the end , so if you guys have questions , go ahead and get them ready . So now , personally , did you , did you say , all the books you recommended ?
Did you say yeah , okay , personally , how do you handle and we kind of touched on this earlier a little bit how do you handle all of this , carrying this on your shoulders emotionally , when you're unable to do the task that you were trying to do ? And you're unable to do the job , you feel early ?
Go for a ride . Sometimes I go for sometimes I take
¶ Personal Responsibility in Relationships
a long way home . Okay , but honestly , this is what I learned real quick in life I do not save a marriage . I do not save a person . I do not . I cannot take credit for any wind that there is in life , because if I take credit for wind , then I have to take responsibility for loss . That was so evident to me when I worked at the VA .
I had people come in and say , oh man , if it wasn't for you , I'd be this , I'd be that , and I'd say , no , it's not it . I had a client that I had that committed suicide . If I took those wins , I had to take that loss . So I'm a vessel . That's seriously . You're a vessel . You get up and you speak what God does with the speak . I'm a vessel .
I believe God gave me gifts and gave me wisdom in this aspect and all I can do is share it . And if it's a win , you guys did it and we're going to be a glory to God . If it's a loss , sorry , it hurts , don't get me wrong it . Every time there's a failed marriage or I hear about I do . You missed it . What did you miss ?
If I , if I see and this is the other if I see couples that come in like for pre marriage counseling , they're divorced . My first question is this what role did you play in your last divorce ? I don't care if that guy had an affair with 15 women , it's got 30 kids on the side . What role did you play in it ? Yeah , that's important to know .
There's something you did or did not do , and the next one is is how do you prevent that from happening again ? You got to be aware of it . Those two questions can change your life . It can . I can . I can tell you the role I played in my last my divorce real simple .
Realize you actually had a part in it , and then what can you do different next time ? If we could all ask that in multiple years of our lives , imagine how much better our lives could be .
When I spoke in Nebraska , everyone was shocked . I tell people that two things I I don't have regrets about , because the outcome was great in my eyes . Number one I wish I would have been a stronger Christian .
I was saved when I was in high school , but when I was in the military and no , yeah , but if I was , if I would have been a stronger Christian , I went to have my oldest son because he was conceived out of wedlock . He's a great kid , yeah . The other one is I sometimes wonder if I could have fought harder for my first marriage .
Now , believe me , I'm not trading Nory for anyone . Okay , I understand that completely , but you got to sit back and go . Okay , what if ?
Yeah , I've had those thoughts Like kind of like , did I do everything I should have done ? Or which I mean in hindsight , probably not . No , I could have done things different , but I didn't .
But hindsight with me , my choices was not a stable foundation . I met a girl in a Muslim country , got pregnant In a Muslim country . What do you do ? You get married in the Muslim country . I was your green card to come back to the States .
There was no love there to begin with , but I asked myself okay , so what do I do now in my relationship to make sure that doesn't happen and that's anything she wants ?
¶ Lessons Learned in First Marriage
My first marriage was my boot camp in a lot of ways , and it was for me and I told Jesse this because Jesse jokingly she was in her mid-20s and I was in my late 20s . She's like where were you at ? All those years ?
We could have had a different life not necessarily different , but had more of each other longer and I told her she used to ask a lot Like why'd you take so long ? She would like grab my arm like she's mad , like it's getting to her when were you at ? Why didn't you find me sooner ? I said I wasn't ready for you yet .
I had a lot of things in me that I needed to buff out before I got to her to treat her and be , to be the man that she could respect , to be the man that would lift her and encourage her , and be someone that was as close as God would allow to get , to deserve her , because other than that , it would have ended the same way , because I was not the
person I needed to be . I had to go through some serious fire to be purified .
See , my answer would have been you were in grade school .
That's true , that's true , thank you .