¶ Impact of Needs on Marriage Counseling
So you have to break down every wall that you have . That's tough , I wouldn't want to know . No , men just want to hunt . Yeah , I think that's the nicest way to say it . That's fair .
Okay , do you use technology ? Now you just technological tools . What was those apps ? One more time , just Between Us , just Between Us , intimelios , intimelios .
And that's for this , for marriage things Marriage stuff and you can set it how frisky you want it to be . Okay , they're both . Oh . So it's like a playful app , ty . They're both Christian apps they are . But one of them is like do you do something for your spouse every day ? You know it gives you what you should do .
The other one is a chat thing back and forth . It's an encrypted chat . Okay , so you know , it's things like that . Okay , that's cool . And then podcasts honestly . Now you do some online counseling right , I do a lot of online counseling .
So you're not conflicted between online or in person .
I'd rather step in person In person , Because then you can see everything . But honestly , if I can get you to engage online , yeah , whatever I can do online so I can tell you the other side of online . I have stopped seeing people because one person was engaged and the other was just sort of laying back and not doing . It's like you know what .
We're not getting anywhere . We're done .
Yeah , gotta have both , gotta have both , gotta have both . So how do you address the tension between individual needs and the collective needs of the marriage you said earlier ? You kind of do one and the other and then both .
If I have to , I will . But honestly , in a marriage there is no individual need . Yeah , it's always a collective need by the end of it . Now , you may have individual things that you struggle with , but you bring them to the marriage , so let's put them out on the table .
Like I said , put it on a post-it and put it in front of you and attack it together . I will pull them . Like I said , I will separate them . Every once in a while had one couple I couldn't get three minutes before it . So it's like all right , we need to separate this and I wanna teach you how to communicate .
I'm gonna teach her how to communicate separately and then we're gonna come back together . And we came back together and I was like okay , I think we're ready . And we made it this session in half and I went no , this is too early , let's go back .
You know things like that , yeah , so Just kind of a need to need basis . It's kind of yeah , it's as you need it , just like your techniques , just kind of whatever fits the need .
So , but I mean that's and it's a hard concept to understand is that everything you do affects your relationship .
Yeah , intimately us and just between us . Oh , that's the apps , I think . Yep , okay , intimately us and just between us . So in what ways ? Well , you kind of addressed that . I was gonna ask that do you think individual therapy complements the marriage counseling ? But I guess that's just a need to need or kind of as it comes if they need to .
I mean , there was so much . If you get a lot of trauma in your life , you need to unpack it , yeah .
Like if something was from someone's past trauma that didn't necessarily it was affecting the marriage but was not a marriage issue you probably would separate them and work through that trauma first and then bring marriage into it .
So we'll take a rape victim .
Yeah .
That's gonna affect the intimacy in a relationship . So you need to pull her apart . Pull her aside and work on that separately With me and PTSD . Lori knows a lot of my trauma , but she doesn't need to know the gory part of my trauma , right ? So that's what I were done individually and then you brought it together with okay ?
How does this affect us together ?
Gotcha . So how do cultural beliefs and societal norms impact the success of marriage counseling ? I think sometimes society has a lot more impact than it should it does On our lives you know what ?
Divorce is easier than marriage today , which is sad it is . I've actually heard people say yeah , this will work . I think for the first one . If it doesn't work out , You're walking in already failing . Yeah , you know . The other thing is the instant gratification .
So I'm gonna go to marriage counseling , but if it's not fixed in three sessions , yeah , I'm out of here . Single work .
Yeah , that wasn't really a commitment anyways .
No , no , we want something instant .
Yeah .
I mean , look at McDonald's . You sit in McDonald's longer than five minutes to get upset . This is fast food . I want those . So , yeah , imitation chicken nuggets , you know whatever it is . Yeah , so it's . It's one of those things .
It's , instead of committing to what we have and building up on it and society saying , hey , you know what , you can work through this If you , if you I'm going to throw this out here if you had an affair in your relationship and you're still working through it , to get through on the other side of that , create such a bond and a relationship that it's like
I'm not saying go have an affair , guys , okay , just to clarify . Just to clarify , it just brings you to the next level . Yeah , because there's so many things . You got to work through trust . You got to work through intimacy .
You got to work through all of that , and especially if it's a guy that had the affair , because women naturally want to know everything that happened yeah , so you have to break down every wall that you have . That's tough .
I wouldn't want to know .
No , men just want to hunt . Yeah , I think that's the nicest way to say it . That's fair . Oh , you know . But society , culture , society says you know what ? This is normal . Don't worry , he did that , you're done .
So do you think that's the biggest thing from culture , that that messes with people's heads in marriage ? Yeah , is it . It's not a big deal . You can find somebody else . Plenty of fish in the sea type attitude where there's no longevity , no long game . No , let's wait for the next one Come along .
Yeah , my brother I know he was joking but he would always say which they were all celebrities . So I know it was a joke , but just his mentality on it which he's never been married . He said he had a list of the next three women he was going to divorce Like lawyers . Yeah , that's wrong , but that's , I mean , that's almost . That's almost real .
It is People like yeah , but well , like being intimate with somebody you can't . The Bible tells us to break away from our parents and become one with somebody .
So when we do that out of the confines of marriage and we're just hooking up or we're going into a marriage with like , eh , whatever , if it doesn't work out , it's fine there's you're leaving a piece of your heart , a piece of your , of who you are , with somebody that you really didn't invest in .
It's a soul tie , absolutely , you know , and that is something that the more I look at , it's like okay , I got to learn about this .
Yeah .
But that's not something that can log on to counseling today and find a class R . Right , you know so . And when you say that you know , and the Bible says to become one , if you look at the physical act , you can't become any closer than they act . Yeah , you are one . Yeah , so when you do that outside of marriage , what does that do to you ?
That's why we have so many people walking around , not understanding why they feel so damaged and empty , because they've been emptying out something that should have been before . We just two people , and you know what's worse than that .
This just came just hit me because of some of the people . I see they call it a body count . Yes , I've heard that . Yeah , what's your body count ? Well , didn't that sound morbid ? In my last , in my first thing , when I , when I was in the military , body count was completely different . Yeah , you know Chris Kyle , american Sniper .
Yeah , his body count was complete . Why would you call it a body count ?
Complete disregard for what it actually is .
So then , when you're married , is your . When you get married , is your spouse part of your body count .
I guess . So there's it Right now .
¶ The Impact of the Red Pill
You know what you ever heard of the red pill community . You know what that is ?
No , so I want to do I'm going to do a live stream about it , but like it's a full on dudes teaching young men that don't pretty much they don't have father figures in their life to rack up the highest body count that they can so that they can know what they want and the woman when they decide to get married .
And these are people who are claiming conservative ethics . And how in the world has that become normal ? Or like you're teaching young men that it's admirable to make money , which which the things they preach is as they preach like their pastors .
But I mean they , they're million subscribers on YouTube to go to the gym , take care of your body , to make a lot of money so that you can be a high value man , so that you will attract the woman you want , and give most of your attention to your weekend women , and if they won't be your weekend woman , don't give them the attention .
Like , what kind of and that's the that's , uh , it's called red pill community .
So now , look at the flip side of that , look at this trail that left me behind . Yeah , who's going to work with all of those women , the girls you're not women yet all those girls to show them that they have value in life , yeah , and that they deserve to be better than somebody's piece of meat ?
And they're not thinking about , like I'm about to have a little girl . If somebody called my little girl one of their body counts , they would end up in a body bag . Yeah , because that's not how I rule , which my as far as I can control my young . My little girl will know that she is valuable and above that . But I mean , that's that's our culture .
Teaching these young girls that that's all they are is a body count , yeah , and that the young men conquer Some of them .
Some of the girls have a higher body count than some of the guys .
Yeah .
You know , it's like really what is what is left ?
And nothing . And then they try to . Then they try to get married and they wonder why that ? Then it ends up in the divorce because there's no , there's no value on actual commitment anymore . It's all about what can I get , and commitment is not like we started this whole thing out with .
It's not about what I can get , it's what I can do for the other person . Yeah .
Faith and Thalia podcast .