Men in the Making Understanding and Reversing Harmful Patterns

I was also the BIP coordinator BIP stands for Battler Intervention and Prevention Program at the Crisis Center of West Texas for five years and we facilitated a class for men who were abusive to be accountable for their actions , because a lot of times , if not most of the times , when people are abusive , they try to blame their spouse , their job , everything else

besides themselves and why they are abusive . And in in in having these deep conversations with a lot of these men , a lot of them didn't understand or didn't know where it came from , how they became abusive in the first place .

A lot of them , when having a conversation about accountability and expressing yourself and anger isn't the only thing that you have to show in order to be a man A lot of them never got to have that conversation until they had to be court ordered to come to a class because their abusive behaviors sent them there and a lot of men in this class would have or

expressed their wishes of having a conversation earlier in their life that could have potentially prevented them from the path of becoming an abuser . And I know that word is a . It's one of those like taboo words . No one wants to really be called an abuser .

It doesn't sound good , but at the end of the day you can't run from who you are and if that's all you know until you are shown otherwise , you can't . You can't try to deny . But abuse isn't just physically putting your hands on someone .

Abuse could be verbal talking down on someone , talking over someone , calling gaslighting , making them think that they're crazy . Abuse could also be using what you assume as strength to intimidate , and that is one thing that I see here at the junior high that I teach at .

Sixth , seventh and eighth graders have no respect for women teachers when they talk , a lot of them just walk right by them or they just walk right up on them to where it started to be very uncomfortable , and you can see that they're uncomfortable and they're just trying to push their way through to go to wherever they're trying to get to , with ill regards of

how it's making the other person feel , and I personally don't think they care , and so when I see it happening now , I stop and we try to have that conversation , but it is something that has kind of opened my eyes to . You know , when people run around talking about toxic masculinity , it's where is it coming from ?

These young boys grow up and they're trying to figure it out and then , when they're 18 , where you don't have to listen or pay attention , you can intimidate or bully or kind of push past them , versus stopping and having a conversation or stopping and listening to what it is that she has to say and I think I started to have the conversation in my head is

like where does abuse come from ? It's a learned behavior , yes , and you might have seen it in your family , and so you assume that that is just the dynamic of man and woman and that's what it's supposed to be .

But if you haven't seen it in your family , is it society and what society is telling you what a man should be that then pushes these young boys to be something that they're not in order to feel validated by society ? Is it pornography ?

The objectification of women , then , would make young boys feel that women are only meant for one thing and a woman can't tell me anything because she has no power in his head , because he has or he is objectifying women in a way to where he can't see them pass what he thinks they are , versus them being human beings . Is it control ?

Someone is trying to exert control over someone and so whatever it takes to get control over that person , they're willing to do . Is it power ? Some young boys or men might not feel power ever and they get with someone and they feel like they have to exert power over that person .

And power is very addicting once you get it and you have options of with that power . Like Spider-Man said with his uncle , with great power comes great responsibility . And a lot of men try to exert power or get power and let's say they get power and instead of using it for good , they use it to continue to hurt others .

So my mind has been racing past couple of months of you know what we can do as a society , what I can do as a man in this society , to help push forward a change of thought when it comes to how we view ourselves and also how we view the women in our lives .

It's a humbling experience because I was that guy and there are times where I still see some of that guy when I walk by the mirror the abusive asshole , the one trying to exert power , trying to get control , because he had no power or no control over his life and so he was trying to get it power and control over somebody else's life , so I guess he could

make their lives just like his , which was not good . He is me . I'm talking about myself , so I'm not running from the fact that I was one of those guys and I've had to work on , you know , vulnerability and ego and looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the monster that I was so that I could work on him to make him better .

And now that I'm trying to be the best man I can possibly be , I'm starting to see these things in these young men , which is sad because I know the path that is going to lead them down .

They're going to miss out on a lot of good people and a lot of good women because they can't get , or they don't feel like they could get , themselves under control , or because they feel like they have already learned all these abusive ways and tactics in the sixth , seventh and eighth grade .

Like gaslighting in middle school is atrocious and most , every kid does it . They will punch someone while you're looking dead at them and while they're looking dead at you , you tell them to stop and they say I didn't do anything . With a dead face , with no accountability whatsoever .

And then when you go and you address it , with them face to face , they begin to shut down , they begin to get frustrated , they start crying or they look away or , you know , they do everything in their power not to accept the consequences of their actions .

And it's something that I see on a daily basis and to me it's frightening because we're sending this , we're giving this next generation the tools that we don't , that we didn't need or want . We're giving them the same exact tools to do the same exact thing .

That has been happening over time , versus trying to have the conversation of what can we do as a society , as a community , as a family , to address the issue of seeing all people as people , humans . And so now I'm on this quest , and I've been on this quest .

It's always been about men's mental health and trying to figure out the best way we , as men , can live our life to inspire , motivate and encourage the people around us .

I'm a big believer in the world is only as strong as our men are , and we are , or we have , a lot of weak men right now in our society and they are creating a lot of weak boys that at some point are going to turn to be men .

We are in a society where we're pushing young boys down the same exact path that I was forced to go down , which was provide and protect .

Don't show your feelings or emotions , act like everything's okay , and we know for a fact that that does not work and it creates a living volcano inside of you and then at some point , you will explode , and it's usually never on the people that you don't know , it's on the people that you love . It's on the people that you love .

And so , trying to have these conversations with these young men about listening to when a woman talks and to not press up on her when she's trying to have a conversation with you , to not try to intimidate , to not try to push past , because it's crazy , yeah , when I hear it and I see it there , they've already either walked past the woman or they're like

talking to her or down to her and about to walk past her . And then , when I come out and I stand there and I try to have that conversation , the tone changes because they think they can get away with it , think they can get away with it .

They will try until someone that might be bigger than them or someone that isn't going to be intimidated by them not saying that these women are intimidated , because they are not intimidated , but they just still think , as young boys , they can just walk past her without the consequence of anything .

And so when I walk out there and I stand there , I look at them , they move around , they go back outside , they stop and they try to have the conversation with the lady , because I usually try to tell them she is talking to you , like , look at her and have that conversation , stop just trying to walk past her or talk quickly , because it's rude , it's

disrespectful and that's just not the way we should be treating others at this school .

So it's inspired me to be more active in having these talks because , I'll tell you this , in having these talks , because I'll tell you this , no one's talking about it , and I want to be a place where you can come when you know you need to hear something , but no one's going to say it .

Like suicide , like men's mental health , like abusive behaviors , like if you don't get a hold of your addictions , regardless of whatever it is , it's going to send you down this path , and the path is going to be destructive not only for you but also for the people that surround you .

And so abuse is something that most people don't want to talk about , but most people are in it . They are the ones being the abuser . They know friends and people who are being abused and they don't know where to go or what to say .

There are nonprofits out here in Odessa , but the one that I worked for and worked for for five years , and they did an amazing job at helping people . It's not just women who get abused , it's also men , and they helped everyone . If you were in an abusive situation and that you wanted to help , they would help you find a way out .

The Crisis Center of West Texas is also a great place where maybe you don't know what to say to your friend or your colleague or your family that's going through this abusive behavior . And when I say abusive behavior , it isn't just hitting . It's financial abuse .

They're keeping the money , giving you a little bit , so that they feel like they have some hold over you . It's emotional , making you feel bad , talking down to you , gaslighting you . It's verbal cussing at you , screaming at you , it's intimidation , it's force . There's so many different levels to it and it's just not a one size fit all .

And if you are confused or you don't know if you're in an abusive relationship , then calling the Crisis Center of West Texas and having a conversation with the client service people there .

They could help you understand what it is that you're going through , if it's abusive or not , and so it's something that I do care deeply about , just like suicide , just like men's mental health , deeply about , just like suicide , just like men's mental health .

I think to me it all goes together when it comes to trying to be the best man you can possibly be Like .

You have to have these tough conversations , you have had to have gone down some of these roads to get to where you didn't like who you was , as a person or as a man , and then you had to rebuild , relearn , rethink the things that you thought was manly , now understanding that it only created a void or an anger from within that made you feel like you wasn't

enough , that you had to do more and be more in order to make society view you as this alpha male and you don't have to do any of that . So if you're trying to figure it out and you don't know , if you're in an abusive relationship and this goes for my fellas as well reach out to the Crisis Center of West Texas . Have that conversation with them .

The number is 432-333-2527 . So that you can start to live your life in a way to where it inspires , motivates and encourages people that's in your circle . So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you , let me be the first to say I love you . You are awesome . You are amazing . You deserve the best that this world has to offer .

Do not give up , do not quit . The world does not get easier , but you get stronger . Y'all have a blessed Friday and enjoy your weekend . Bye-bye .