Valentines Day Expectations

connors and then things change. But for those that have a beautiful relationship, a beautiful marriage, this is such a great time to really show each other that because today we're talking about Valentine's Day and all the expectations and pressures that come with it. I feel that a lot of times we do have these really high expectations of all the things that are significant other is supposed to

do for us on Valentine's Day. Is like we kind of not pay attention to everything that they've done during the whole year, even the small little things, And on Valentine's Day, we want them to buy us a car by us, a house by us, a Cartella, take us us to dinner and take me to a yard, buy me at Bernina. What do you think this is? No? No, no, wait. But at the same time, I mean like I'm a bad bitch. I deserve all of that and then some battle. That can also be a lot of pressure on men

vice versa men too. Men also that men also expect women on Valentine's Day a lot of times to go out their way. They can buy me a Rolex. Not everybody's ready for all of that. So whatever the expectations, maybe today we're gonna break it down. We're gonna talk about it, and I want to know YouTube do you feel like you have high expectations for Valentine's Day? And if so, what are they but joining us today? We have a sex researcher, speaker, writer dctor Jenna. How are you,

my love? All right? Doing so well? Happy to be here? Awesome, awesome some I have all the hearts on my on my shirt for Valentine's Day, so you don't have to feel bad. Sports for you as well? Thank you? How do you? How do you feel about Valentine's Are you a Valentine's Girl? I'm not a huge Valentine's Girl, because it's a made up holiday. For one, right, it's a

Hallmark made up holiday. You're right, And I personally prefer to celebrate my love every day of the year as opposed to kind of having a dedicated day that we're supposed to do something special for each other. The way I look at my relationships is I want to make every day every time that we're together special and I don't think Valentine's needs to be any more special than that.

But I understand people have different ways of looking at it, and it is certainly a good thing to have things to celebrate in your relationship and to make certain days special days. I agree to make more days special days as opposed to one day. I totally agree. So talking about you know, when it comes to a Valentine's Day, I really do believe that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of what Valentine's Day is. And by the way, let's not forget that Valentine's is not just about your

significant other. It's about love overall. It could be love, the love for your family, the love for your children, the love for many things. Obviously, we mainly focus on the love for our spouse, our girlfriend or boyfriend, whatever. But do you feel that people have like high expectations or unrealistic expectations when it comes to this day. I

think some people do. I think it's often the product of them not getting what they need the other days of the year, and so there's a lot just placed on this one day that kind of brings out all of the all of the needs that we have that are kind of going neglected throughout that that time. And but you know, again, different people will have different experiences

with that. The dynamic really depends also. Sometimes, right, some people are very excited about that and will create a really beautiful experience for each other on that particular day, and it can really be an amazing day that they spend together. But yeah, I think often the expectations for some people can be a little too high. Well I'll

tell you this much. I ain't gonna say no names, but I've been with people that on Valentine's No Man, Nothing Nothing panel during the whole year, you expect me to turn into this porn star and do all this extra stuff and be supportive and do all these things, And I'm like, the least thing you can do sometimes in life, it's not even about how expensive things are or how big the act was, it's just the intention,

do you know what I'm saying. So I understand how valentine This Day um can be a day that you expect your significant other to do something nice for you. But I also believe that now with technology, social media and everything else, we have focused Valentine's Day more on an expression to showcase and show off for other people that you don't even know on your social media platform. I know a lot of people that do the most.

They call the flower store themselves and they book themselves their own flowers and their own everything, just to show off to other people that they are loved and not really think that that's what that's supposed to be about in the first place. But for people who are single, like myself, sometimes it depends on the day. What advice would you give them? I would say, spend it with friends, have a fun singles day, dinner, party, whatever you want

to do that. And especially if you're someone who does kind of have hopes for Valentine's Day being something that is spent with a partner, then not having that experience might leave you feeling kind of you know, lonely and and sad on that day, and so don't let that happen. Do something that would make you feel like you are loved, even if it's not by a romantic partner in that moment. If it doesn't matter to you, on the other hand, just do whatever else you would be doing that day.

It doesn't have to be considered a special day. I mean literally, we made that a special day a few years ago because Hallmark decided that they want to sell more cards. Right, but what about what about it if you are in a new relationship, And that's a good question. If you start dating someone and you're in a new relationship, how soon is too soon to buy them a gift? Are you obligated to buy them a gift? And if so, like how big is it supposed to be? Are you

supposed to impress them the first time? Or it could be like anything like let's say we started dating like a week ago, not a week ago, two weeks ago? Bam, Valentine's Day comes. What is it I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to like O D on this gift? Or am I supposed to do something light or not do anything at all? I would definitely say, don't O D on the gift. That's too soon, too presumptuous. Right,

it's not a you know, that's for women. Right, you're saying that for women or for men, because for many better o D. Like, if you really want me to really like me and everything, should show me what you're working with. No, no, no, we don't have time to waste. I really want me show me from the beginning meta. Here's some pearls, here's some diamonds. We're tired of giving her as just about just to just to please. Sometimes

you do. But sometimes if you really like someone and you're really trying to settle with them and you're trying to do something, I would say that to me, it's not even so much about the diamonds per se, because I'm talking ship. I mean, it's more about the effort. You know, whatever it is that you do, just show that you put some effort. You know it could be the smallest little thing, but just put some effort. You know that that shows more and it means more to

a lot of women than anything else. It's not even so much about how much it costs. It's just the fact that you went out of your way to do something nice for someone that you love or someone that you like, or someone that you're interested in. Does that make sense? Yeah, I mean I would say, you know again, you were saying like two weeks and that's a little too soon and too presumptuous to go with a big gift.

I mean, if you're certain that this is the one after two weeks, then I guess you could make a big graind So when when do you know that they're the one? Well, I would recommend people not make those

big decisions until their infatuation has started to wane. So when we first get together, when we first get super excited about someone, the first stage of love called infatuation or in love or has a lot of different names, that shoots up very quickly when we get excited about someone, especially with their consummating, that experience, that new blossoming love. Consummating means what, like you were actually enjoying it living

it started, Well, it could be, that could be. Certainly, It's one way of consummating a very powerful way of consummating, and especially once you do bring in you start to have sex with that person, that will even more expand and explode that love and it will be very high, usually for somewhere between three months and two years, depending on how good the connection is, depending on how often you see each other, how often you consummate, depending on

how kind of intensely you're you're tied in with each other. But it will start to drop after maybe three months, maybe six months, maybe a year, maybe a year and a half. About the two year mark is usually when infatuation will start to wane, and that's when you decide.

I think the safest way is that when you decide to make big life decisions like get me married, or buy a house together, or decide to have a kid together, if if you want to make those life choices, Because when we first get infatuated with someone, during those three months to two years, one of the things one of the symptoms of infatuation. We literally talk in science about the infatuation as a as a disease almost because you can catch it and then you have symptoms. You catch

feelings and then you have the symptoms of infatuation. One of the most dangerous ones is the rose colored glasses that we have when we first get together with someone. You only see the positives. Oh yeah, like the ship don't stink. That's when you want to sit down in the bathroom with them, and you know, you smell their farts, and anything that they do is, oh, that's so cute, and everything you find it nice and cute and romantic. Exactly,

that's natural. It happens to all of us in the beginning. And then after a while, once the infatuation starts to wear off, you start to see it with regular glasses, right, you start to see the good and the bad words and all. And then if you see wards and all, and you still say, you know what, I can work with these words. You know these words are not terrible. I still like you the still the positives outweigh the negatives.

Then I would say, is when you bring in the oh, my god, is there anything that we can do to skip that part? Like you know, I'm so sick of this ship. So I just wants to know and ladies, I know there's some girls out there that can connect with my feelings and my emotion. I'm sick of seeing that. What is it, the red rose glass thing? I don't want to see. I don't want to see it no more. Okay, I just want to see the bullshit from the beginning.

Show me your true colors, that being SEP, show me that your trash, show me the good things, the bad everything, So then we don't have to waste two years being together to then realize, oh, this is not gonna work out. Is there anything you can do or do you really just have to go through that process. You can be more objective in seeing it. Look, we can see it.

We can force ourselves to take off Yeah, if there are red flags, like pay attention to what the red flags are and then try to take a step back, try to take off the rose colored glasses. It's not easy, but we can do it and have friends help you. Right, talk about, okay, this is what I see. These are some of the potential red flags, and then think through them. Is this something that one is changeable? Like is this

something that could potentially change too? Is this something your partner says that he or she would like to change, right, because they could. It could be something that is changeable. If but they're they're like, this is not changing. I love this thing about myself and it's not going anywhere. Then obviously that's a problem. And then the third thing is let's say it is changeable, your partner is willing or interested in changing. The question is how long will

it take them to change that thing? And do you have the time and patience to deal with that, because it's going to be usually a gradual will change. If we're talking about something that's more kind of entrenched in them as a person, that usually that will take some time. So then you have to ask yourself, Okay, how much time and energy and patients do I have for this particular thing. So basically Dr John and just let you know,

don't go crazy buying, buying the most. You're doing the most for someone that you're still looking at them, you know, with the lovely eyes that you're still like, you know, do something nice, but nothing that you're gonna be in debt for the next thirty years, so, you know, do something that's meaningful. Still do something meaningful. But now I'll tell you this, do you feel um that for Valentine's Day?

People feel like there's pressures to do something different when you know, in bed, like sexually like because I've seen this a lot. Oh it's Valentine's Day, So I'm gonna

wear laundry. First of all, bitch, you've never put on no damn LAUNDERI okay, you've never bought a laundry outfit in your life, but okay, they gat today you want to put it like red Lingerie, a tro and do like you know, they get your sexy stripper dance and they'll say you went and you went to the sexy freaky store and you bought waves and all types of stuff. Do you feel like people have, you know, feel that pressure that they have to go overboard sexually on that day? Yeah.

I feel like, just like with the gifts and like doing something special non sexually, there is that same kind of pressure to do something new or different or special sexually. And I really think people should think of special things to do with each other. I just don't see why that needs to be relegated to this one day of the year, because that is again, you know, last time

we talked about monogamy, non monogamy and all that. If you want to have a fun, hot, long term hot monogamous relationship, yeah, you're gonna have to bring in some of these new, different, exciting, kind of adventurous things in order to keep that hot and exciting. You don't have to step outside, you don't have to be with other people. That's one way of bringing novelty. But another way of

being novelty is doing these different kinds of things. And so I would, but I would say do it in a more consistent basis once a year on Valentine's Day, and I don't know, on your anniversary or your birthday or your partner's birthday. That's just not enough for me. Like for me, look, I like, I've done the I've done, I've done the lingerie. Are you into lingerie? I like lingerie when my partners in it. So when the dynamic, Like the current guy that I'm dating now, he loves

lingerie and I love putting it on for him. The guy I dated previously didn't care about lingerie at all, So like I didn't, you know, I didn't care much about it either. I just feel like, first of all, laundry is so expensive. Men, men that are listening to this podcast, you better listen to this that I'm gonna tell you right now. I don't get the way they

stayed laingdry is very expensive. If we buy lingerie and put it on the moment you see, oh my gosh, she's still hot, take it off, take it off all make me take it off, so enjoy seeing my lingerie put it and let me be sexy with it. That's one yes to they learn how to play with lingerie. Like actually, the guy that I'm dating now, as I said, he loves lingerie and he loves to play with it. So we the entire night. I'm still wearing the lingerie the entire night. And were yes and so many things,

but yeah, it's very fun to play with it. I agree. You should. You should, You know, experiments sexually more often, you know things more often, figure out things that work out for you. What we used to work out for me I can't do right now is I will take a couple of shots. Sometimes you feel a little bit and get more relaxed, or maybe you feel a little you know, nervous or intimidated to try something new, have a drink, you know, maybe you want to dance. Lighting.

Lighting also creates a certain mood that makes you feel a little bit more comfortable. It doesn't have to be bright, as lower the lives a little bit. You might want to turn a couple of candles, or you do, say, create your own ambience so that you feel comfortable to sexually explore, experiment, do different things. That's funny. One of my friends is also a psychology professor. She's writing a book right now called How to Train Your Boyfriend. I need that book. I think so many of us need

that book. I can't wait for her to finish writing it. But she talks about it in there, about positive reinforcement. Instead of using punishment to try to train the kind of behavior that you want in your partner, using rewards usually works better. And so things like right, sexual favors or acts that they particularly like. Trying that in clever ways, but you have to do it cleverly. Can't be too obvious right, otherwise it's not gonna quite work. You have

to do what works for you. And what you've been doing hasn't worked. You better read this book and try to figure out and look and see if the rewards and the positive affirmations work. So whatever works. Another thing that you just talked about the poco poco giving, and it's not necessarily about sort of giving them everything or them giving you everything. It's giving each other everything all

at once. Kind of shortens the lifespan of the hotness in a relationship because they are all of these things that we can do a think public stuff. This there's so many different things. If you're bringing those in slowly but consistently regularly, right as you get together with someone, instead of having anal and threesomes and you know, whips and everything the first couple of months, let it out.

Talk about those fantasies. Bring them into your relationship as a as an idea, so that you can think and fantasize and all that, but don't do everything all at once. Stag. And that's and that's the same thing that happens now for Valentine's Day. For Valentine's Day, a lot of people want to do the balloons, and you want to do the rose petals and all those things that are very romantic.

Maybe this Valentine's you might want to try to do something a little bit different, something that's not necessarily as romantic. It doesn't always have to be, uh, something that's so predictable. Try something different, explore and who cares if you can't be open with your partner to sexually experiment or not. And everything doesn't necessarily have to be sexual, to just

um play overall. If you can't feel comfortable with that person, it's already going down the hill from there, you know, and if and here's something else that's important now for Valentine's Day as well, if your partner doesn't take the initiative, you'll take it. Why And and it happens a lot of times men are waiting for women to be the one to, you know, give me an eye, or give me this, or give me something so that I know that you want it. And the same thing happens with women.

A lot of times. You may be horny, you may want to do something erotic or exotic or whatever, and you're just here waiting for him to give you, you know, the green letter. Sometimes you just have to, you know, be the one to take control of the situation, don't you agree? Absolutely? Absolutely. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that teaches us that men are the ones that always need to take the initiative when it comes to sex.

And it's really unfortunate because on one hand, they also want to feel desired, so they also want their girlfriends and wives to show them that they want them, that they want to suck them right, So you're taking something away from men when women are just waiting on men to initiate everything. And also then we don't get what we want when we want it. If we just went, we just wait on the men to initiate. So it's just so important for us to have sexual agency to

say I want this and I'm gonna go get it. Yeah, I totally agree this Valentine's Day. Be open minded. Don't wait for your partner to just do all the work. You do some of the work too. And like I said, every thing doesn't necessarily have to be about finance. Everything doesn't have to be about this was so expensive, just being creative. I know a lot of people that financially can't even afford to go out there and buy a Teddy Bear for their significant other, but they do their best.

They put effort, and effort has to come from both sides. Whether you're married, whether you're dating, whether you're just getting to know someone, whatever it is, it has to be about effort. And if you don't have anyone and you don't care to have anyone at this moment because you're too busy enjoying yourself, that's cool too. You know. It's

it's not just about sex or your significant other. It's about friends, friends and family, going out, you know with your friends and having dinner and having drinks and loving on each other in a positive way. Um, that's also an amazing and positive thing now that we were talking about experimenting and having all this fun with your partner. Is there any advice for couples who want to try something different in bed um that don't necessarily know how

to start or give the initiative. Yeah, well, of course it depends on what it is that they're trying to try. But the first thing I would say is get educated on what this thing is that you're trying to try and do. What's the best way to do it. There are some online courses that people can take to teach

them some stuff. You can read some books. You can go to a workshop and learn some of these things, especially the more kinky things that kind of require some skill, like how do you even you know, hold the paddle and where do you hit and where do you not hit? Or if you tie someone up, how do you make sure that you're doing it safely? Or you know, those kinds of things you really need to have some ore YouTube YouTube Some things YouTube can help right. YouTube unfortunately

doesn't like people being taught sexual things. Sorry, it's limited. Some stuff is on like you can learn some rope time as long as you everyone is not is dressed. But there are many things that you can unfortunately learn on YouTube. That's that's a really unfortunate thing about how we've separated porn and non porn in our world, because there's nowhere where you can actually just learn from a sexually explicit mhmm kind of materials that are not porn.

That are not right. We need more explicit so basically would be porn levels in terms of what you're showing. But it's not done to arouse, it's done to educate. And there are some online courses. My friend Kenneth Play has an amazing course for how to be a great lover to people with volves who are mostly women. Right, that is amazing, But that's not something you can get in school. That's not something you can get on YouTube. You kind of have to go and get it from

his website. And there are other courses like that where you can learn some stuff and as I said, workshops online, offline workshops. So getting some knowledge education gives you also the confidence once you try to do it, to not be like, oh my god, what are we doing here? You know know what you're but don't you already know. Do your research, study it a little bit. If you

have to watch some movies, watch the movies. If you have to take a little drink, have a little drink, If you have to stretch out a little bit, do whatever it is that you feel that you have to do in order to surprise your significant other on this Valentine's Don't feel shy, don't feel embarrassed. Don't feel like, oh my god, what is she gonna think? What is he gonna think. That's the biggest mistake you can do is thinking for somebody else. Don't overthink. Just if you

feel it, do it, enjoy it, Enjoy your body. That's another thing that I think that is also one of the issues that a lot of times, whether it is men or women, are insecurities can get in the way where we feel like we're physically not attractive, or you know, you're thinking that, oh my god, if I put on this thong, he's gonna look at my study light or my stretch marks, or he'll be like, oh my god.

You know, it doesn't matter when somebody really likes you and you, guys, whether it is that they like you or you guys have been together for a long time, or you want to do something exciting. You know, I want to do something different, something I've never done. Well, then stop overthinking it and just do it. And like I said before, everything doesn't necessarily have to be like oh, I can't afford to buy her this, or I can't

afford to buy him that. It's not about money. There's so many there's so many ways that you can show love and care that don't require any money. You can make someone a little gift, you can get them, you know, one rose or one whatever that is. It is just that it's the act right, make them feel special, do them breakfast, do them dinner, whatever, especially if she knows that you don't know how to cook, or if he

knows that you don't know how to cook. The fact that you put the effort, I would say, Valentine's Day is showing effort, show effort, show your love through effort, do something that you're significant. They can say, wow, you know, I really appreciate the fact that, Um, I know that you usually don't do this, but you went out of your way to do something special to make me feel special, to do something rememberable for me. And that's the most important part um and then do that every time you

go on a date with them. Yeah, Valentine's Day. I cannot stress that enough. Really. I know that we like to kind of celebrate and make these big things and big gestures on these days that were given to us. But relationships, if you want to have a good, healthy relationship, you have to treat almost every date as Valentine's Day. Yeah, for sure. A lot of times you feel like you already have this person secure, so you don't feel the need to put um the work that you did in

the beginning. And that's the biggest mistake, the same work that you had to put in when you first wanted to get her or when you first wanted to impress him. You need to continue doing that. You know. It happens after you have children a lot of times to you get caught up with the children and the and the lifestyle this, and now you let your body go. You don't. You know a lot of times you don't even shower. You don't even shower anymore, you don't do your hair,

You're wearing the same pajamas all day. You're not even remember when you first met all the things that you did in order to impress this person because you really like them. Don't forget that feeling, go back into that go back into that space and and feel like, don't feel so so, don't feel so secure, like this person is never gonna leave you, you you know, always fight to keep them. Um, but this Valentine's name, I don't know.

I don't know. I see myself, you know, trying to go out with friends, trying to go out with friends, or if not, just being home. You know. Um, why do you sound so sad about that? Well, because, like I said before, I'm a lover. I'm a liberal. I believe in like hopeless love, hopelessly romantic love and all that stuff. I really wish that I could be with a significant other and have all those great things that

I was talking about. But maybe not this year, maybe next year, or maybe at another moment in life, because like you said before, we don't have to celebrate it just on Valentine's Day. It could be any day during the year. Um so maybe at another opportunity. But in the meantime, for those that don't have a booth thing, it's all good because we got each other and that's what I've had. Fabulous Valentine's Days with friends and sinners. Absolutely when I didn't have someone I was dating. Yeah,

and actually this Valentine's Day, I'm flying in. I'm flying back from from from Colorado. So I don't think i'll even see my partner that day. Oh no, well when will you? Will you see him before or after? I'll see him before and I'll see him after. But there you go. So you already know, you know, you already know all the freaky things you gotta do to make him remember you till you come back. Oh, he remembers me. Dr Johanna. Can you please let them know where they

can follow you? Sure? Find me on Instagram or Twitter at doctor Joanna. That's d r z h A and A. And that's also my website, Doctor johna dot com. All Right, you guys already know I love having her on the show. I can't wait to have her back. If you guys love this podcast and this specific episode, hit me up on Exactly a Madam on Instagram, Twitter, or check us

out on YouTube. Give me your reviews, your comments. I want to hear it and I want to see if there's any questions or anything that you have for Dr Johanna. I would love to come back and do another episode where we can answer all those questions. In the meantime, Thank you guys so much for joining me, for joining us uh every week like you always do every Thursday. I'm so grateful because you guys are making this show

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