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Joe.
Well, I'm toda this episode, I want to talk about something that really hits home for me because anybody that knows me knows that my mother is everything to me. My mom has been my best friend. My mother immigrated to this country by herself, so she's everything.
You know that I know.
I met my father, you know when I was like about I don't know, ten years old. Once then I saw him again when I was like fifteen, and then I saw him again once I was an adult. You know, he's been part of my life now as an adult, but it took some time to grow into that, and a lot of people wouldn't had forgiven him for being absent in, you know, in my life, the way that he was in every single aspect emotionally, financially and all
that good stuff. But I have decided to be a bigger person and take him into my household and make him part of my family. You know, just because one of your parents wasn't a good parent, it doesn't mean that you still can't be a good son, a good daughter and show them how it's done. Mark the difference. However, accepting him in my household also comes with the responsibility of taking care of him, you know, to the good and the bad. That means, you know, through any health
issues or anything like that. For example, at one point, my father had prosted cancer. I was the one that was in every doctor's appointment. I was the one that was in you know, with him in the hospital when he had surgery. I was there for him. However, back then I didn't have any children. Now I have children, and I also have my mother who also has a lot of health issues and all those things, and it is a lot, it is a lie.
You know.
Today we're diving into the subject of taking care of our aging parents. What do we do when our parents start to fall apart, you know, meaning their health, They're tired, they no longer can do certain things like they were back in the days, even though in many occasions, in our mind we still see them with the same strength that they had when we were younger. And the truth
is they're only but getting older. You know, we often face challenges of making decisions of what to do for the well being, whether it is you know, arranging their new living you know, like, you know, maybe you should go to an elderly home. Maybe you should have someone take care of them inside of your home. Maybe you should send them to you know, their native country. What do you do? And also as Latinos, we have a
different way of taking care of our parents. We're big believers in, you know, keeping our family together, whether it is that your cousins and your brothers, your sisters, everybody comes together to take care of each other. The Latino community. Also, for the most part, we're one of those that we stay living with our parents to we're like forty and even after you're married, in many occasions you end up moving your you know, your wife or husband into the family,
into the household. So we're accustomed to being so close with each other. What do we do? You know, we have to explore different options and consider what would be the best care possible parties socomulo mani hamel. How do you make that decision of saying, you know what, I think it's time for us to have that conversation. I no longer can take you know, care of you or you may need more attention, you may need more health attention than I can provide because on many occasions, you
know a lot of us. In my case as a single parent or even as a single child, all the responsibility is put on me. How do I still move on with my career? How do I still work? How can I still become a provider? How can I be a wife to my husband eventually while still taking care of my mother and my father and my children? How do you do this? Anyways? Today I have my makeup artist, Debbie which is super weird because I would never have
her come in here. But then I see she has such a great personality and she has such a great view of seeing life that I was like, I would love to discuss this with you. Debbie, thank you so much for joining me today here on exactly Amada. And I want to ask you, so what about your parents? Do you live with your parents or your grandparents? You know, how did your mother your father deal with your grandparents or they still live. How has it been for you?
First of all, I'm super excited to be here currently. I'm not eve with my mom currently, but I know my grandfather he had cancer as well, unfortunately, and when he was debilitating in front of us, it was so hard for us. He understand, and we're also from the Islands as well. My mom took him back to his native home, which is Haiti, and you know over there is different. You know, he had like three helpers to help him, maids and everything like that, so it was
easy process for him and for us as well. So I remember every month we would go for like three to four days to go and see my grandfather because in my opinion, I wouldn't put my parents in a nursing home here because I used to be a CNA like years ago, and I remember one of the DNA
certified nursing assistant. I remember when I was doing my internship, one of the CNAs was throwing water at one of the patients and I was like, you know what, I promise Yamara the next day I wouldn't go back to that nursing home.
And I thought about it. I was like, what if it was me?
What if it was my parents, what if it was my grandparents?
Right, well, in my case, I mean, I've never been through a situation like that. However, I can only but imagine how it would feel to believe that you're making the right decision of putting your parents, you know, into
an elderly home. You never really know, like there's no way of knowing if this nurse is going to be good or she's gonna be malicious, because in many occasions, in front of the family members, they're very courteous and caring, and the moment that you know the family members leave, they mistreat them. But at some point you have to trust someone, right.
Yes, you have no choice but to trust someone because especially here when you live in the United states.
We work.
We have to work to make a living, right m hm, So we have to trust someone. I think in my case, I'll probably set up cameras in to view the person.
It's hard for me.
I don't know what I would do in that case, but I know I'll put cam in my home for sure.
Cameras are good obviously, so that you can know what's going on. Also, the thought of our parents aging, you know, in the comfort of being home, you know, with their grandkids and all those things. I know that that can to me. I would feel like it would make them live longer because it gives them hope. And I know
that in many occasions. For example, I know that my kids can be very stressful and annoying in the aspect of they wake up at night and they're screaming, and they want milk, and they want their diapers change, and it's just a lot. But I also see the happiness and the joy that my mother and my father get from, you know, seeing my daughters grow up and learning how to talk and how to walk. All those experiences are
moments that you know, make them happy, and I enjoy that. However, my mother has given me a lot of health scare. I've had to call the ambulance in many occasions, and when I've had to call them, I've thought to myself, how am I supposed to manage or handle this?
Like?
How do I go about this? Because I can't do everything. I can be the financial provider, I can't be the emotional provider for everyone. And it's not me being selfish? But is it me being selfish to want to keep them in my household knowing that I can't provide them the help that they need. Or is it selfish of me to think about myself and my children first and then decide to put my mother or my father in the care of someone else.
As for me, my dream was to get a big home right and build a mother in law suite in the back like how you have in your back.
That's a dream that we would all love to have, but financially, the truth is that a lot of us may not never have the possibility of having a big home where you have a guest house, but you get both of your parents, And what about if your parents don't get along like my mother can't stand my father at all. But because of the circumstances of life, they have been forced to have to live together. My mom makes sure to remind him all the reasons why she
can't stand him every other day. It's like a bittersweet situation. But you know, they figured out how to live together, and thanks to that, I am able to help both of them. I don't know. I just feel like it's such a hard decision to make, and also just I think it's realistically we have to talk about it. I also think this is a very taboo issue. You know, we don't want to talk about death. We don't want to talk about getting older, as if that's not gonna happen.
Eventually all of us are gonna get older. Have you planned those things out? I mean, I'm talking about from the funeral service to the graveyard, to what you want to wear, to how you want it done. If I get sick. You know I don't want this, I want it this way. Have you spoken to your health insurance? Have you separated money for that? Are you even thinking of that day? Are you gonna Are you thinking of, oh well, oh you know, God forbid? If I die, well,
then you just deal with it. What about if your children are not prepared financially to deal with that, then you see a lot of people that end up doing godfunding accounts, which anybody can go through a financial situation. I get that part, But why as a family aren't we having these conversations on what the hell to do? We don't be knowing what to do.
The thing is, I think a lot of people are oblivious and they're scared of to have that conversation. It's ironic because last week I literally had that conversation with my mom. So I had to actually go and get a burial plan for her. Yes, we had a burial plan. Like you know, listen, I'm a makeup artist. Yes I make money, but not as much that I want to make. You understand what I mean. But now we have a family plan. So what I did was I have a
burial plot for me, my mom, and my daughter. Oh okay, okay, So what inspired you to do that? And how did you go about it? Like did you do your research?
You ask somebody?
Four months ago we had that passed away and it was horrible. Nobody had money, he was not prepared. Okay, he didn't have insurance. Oh god, yeah, okay, So it was like a battle.
The parent like all our family was like, oh I gave this much. I gave this much. Oh he was there, he was making money. Why didn't he prepared?
So I don't want to go through that.
I get it.
That's why we had That's why we had an executive decision. Me, my brother, my older brother, and my daughter A street. We had a conversation. We had a meeting with like, listen, this is what we're going to do.
This is what we're going to do. This is what I say contribute, and this is what he can contribute. You understand what I mean.
So that's what we have to do because it's very expensive right now when people pass away.
Unfortunately, it's like a party. Yeah, you have to have what is it what is it awake.
Or something like that. You have to rent somewhere, you have to provide it's full and then it turns into there's a part of me show, whether it turns into a fashion show, whether it turns into a birthday party event.
Because now you're in the middle of hurting, and I know that we're going a little bit off topic, but all of this comes into the part of taking care of our parents, taking care of our siblings, taking care of our household, but specifically our parents, because a lot of our parents come in my case, you know, as a Latina, you know, the Caribbean mentality is, let's not talk about the elderly. You know, let's not talk about
getting sick, because then we're going to attract it. Or let's not talk about, you know, dying, because then you're going to attract it. No, let's attraction. Let's talk about it. So if God forbids something were to happen, we know where we stand. We've created a plan, a plan of emergency, right, whether it is that you have your health insurance, whether it is that you've created a trust for all your properties.
There's been so many occasions where people pass away then you find out once they sold the house that behind you know, behind a tile or behind the air vent, this person that's where they had their little mini safe, where they had hundreds or thousands of dollars saved. Because that's the old school mentality which I respect, of keeping cash, paid some work. So all these little details matter. And going back to taking care of our parents. I know someone who also figured out a way to the system.
Guys pay attention to this. She found out that if she were to take care of her parents, the government would provide government assistant and she could also charge. So she actually figured a way of taking a course that didn't even take that long, and she was able to become a caregiver for her parents and at the same way, she was making money. So I kind of evened it out. It's like, I don't have to sacrifice not being with
my parents. I don't have to sacrifice paying additional money to put them somewhere where they can have someone take care of them. I can actually go to school, take a little course, give my licensings or whatever it is that I need, and I could be a caregiver to my own parents and get paid individually for both. So I also think that there's ways of going about things. Just don't think about it like ask questions. There's many
ways that you can financially still make it happen. And there also is a lot of government assistant that we may not know. And I also think that minorities in the Latino community as well, we don't like to ask for help. We don't like people to know that we're going, you know, and it's through troubles. It's embarrassing to us all types of things when realistically there's a lot of campaigns, foundations, there's a lot of organizations and things like that that are willing to help and assist.
There is a lot of organizations and assistance, but we need to know there's a lot of people now talking about it.
We need to know about these organizations.
Who do we talk to?
Where do we find the information? And also too, there's a lot of people.
Well, I was fortunate that I have a brother, and you know, i'm here, I'm able to get a burial plan from my mom, right, But what about the other people that's less fortunate than me?
Yes, how do they go about doing that?
Because it's a topic of conversation, it's very important, and I'm happy that we're talking about that for real.
No, I get it, And the same way that I wanted to also point out in many occasions, if you are and I don't know because as a mother now, I can only but imagine if you are a mother or a father and you've dedicated your time, your efforts, your life into raising your children, sacrificing your youth, your body, your mental you're all types of things. You're sleep, all types of things. You'll go out and work. You make sure that your kids have the best education possible, that
they're dressed, that they're never hungry. You go through the whole process and then you get sick or then you get older and they're like, well, now you're in the way of my life, so I have to get rid of you or put you somewhere, or like I'll see you in the weekends if that maybe I'm busy on the weekends or how Because let's also not think just
about ourselves. But on the other side, how would you feel if your child, after all the sacrifices you've done for them, later on, sees you as if you know right, like you know, I love you and everything, but I
just need to live my life. Wow. What do you do then, as a parent and also as a child, as the mother, as the daughter or the son of your mother and your father, how would you feel like also put yourself in that mindset, I would say, go as hard as you can to do every single thing you can possibly think of to be there for your parents, because I always say, would your parents do that to you? Would your parents put you away because they needed to
live their life? And I know that the love that your mother and your father have for you is different than the one that you may have for your parents, because it's just different, like you came out of them manly your mother. But you know what I'm saying, Like your mother, no matter how much of a bit she may be at times, she loves you right like you. She gave birth to you. To think of the hurt
and the pain. Even if they say yes, don't worry, you can take me, because a lot of them feel My mom's been that person where she's like if for any other to wear a reason. Eventually you feel that I am disturbing your future, your peace of what you have to do in life, and you have to put me somewhere. That's not what I will want, but I want I want to see you do well in life. So you go ahead and you do that. To even think in that way, that's a whole sacrifice a mother
would be willing to do for their kid. So if you have a chance to not do that, I would say, figure it out, bro, don't don't just feel like that's your first option to just boom, get get rid of them. And damn, that's a tough one. I don't even know. Because my mother used to work in an elderly home. But she used to be a cook. Not to mention these are huge business. They make a lot of money out of insurance company and all chips, you know, health insurance and all this stuff. So yes, you know she
was working there, and I will never forget. There was this one lady once that she was dropped off there by her daughter, and I guess mentally she wasn't there one hundred percent. And every time a nurse or anybody will walk through the door, she would be like, is my daughter here? Yet? Oh, my god, is my daughter here? Every single day she would be like, my daughter is coming back for me? Right, my daughter's coming back for me. But she was like, mentally not there one hundred percent,
and she would just be like, is my then my daughter? Call? Is my daughter coming? Like all the time. I can only but imagine the pain that lady had to have all those days and months. And then, to be honest, her daughter actually never really came back. She felt she was doing her part by paying for the service and leaving her there, and then that was it. And in many occasions, we also have to remember that it's not just the financial parts the attention, it's the love is
the being there. Being supportive is the love and attention of a hug, of a kiss of you know, it's not the same when somebody else gives it to you then when your own family is there to give it to you.
I think a lot of people these days now they're desensitized. Okay, they are desensitive.
To talk about it, no seriously, because it's crazy.
Because I worked in special needs department for twelve years, Omara, okay, and I will never forget this. A dad and his daughter was special needs. The mom left them, she couldn't take it, and he would come with his daughter. I was like, how's your wife and everything? You know what I mean because I develop a relationship with my patients and the parents as well. And he was like, you know, my wife left me when our daughter was three years old. So he's been taking care of his daughter and she
was seven. She was seventeen at the time. Wow, and he did everything. Some people, unfortunately, they're selfish, they don't have the and some people also not even selfish, they don't have the mental capacity to be able to deal with certain things. You understand what I mean that a lot of people can't.
But you know what, let's also talk about this. For example, the choice to invite our parents into our homes is also a deep thought. You know, it's something that you have to discuss. Even let's say you're married, you have a relationship, you have your own household, your parents may not live with you. But now to make the decision as a couple, as your own individual family, to say, my mother, whether it's a grandmother or the father or the grandfather of your children, my mother, my father is
going through a situation. As a family, the family decision should be we need to provide assistant help and have them come into our household. That's another conversation that can get very very difficult, you know, because it may not just be yours. What about it it's the grand you know, the father or the mother of your significant other, you know, your husband or your wife's mother or father. Now you
have to bring them into your household. Moving in your parents into your household in order to take care of them and provide for them because they need of you,
they need your assistant can be very challenging. You know, you can also create precious moments together as a family, as a household, and I think that that can also bring a lot of balance, right, I mean as a way of also honoring your parents, But it can bring a lot of balance in the aspect of maybe this person may be able to help you with your kids while you're at work, right, or maybe they can because they need help themselves. It's a lot to think about.
It's a lot, but at least you have them with you. I also think and know, like I said before, my daughters have brought a lot of you know, joy to my parents' spirit, and I think it's important to also create a space where they can thrive and you know, share laughters and tears and you know, cherish moments together as a family, as a household. And I continue to say family because I feel that we have disconnected ourselves from our family values. So someone with familiar no so
someone that amilia. Family shouldn't just come together when it's time for barbecue, cookouts, for funerals, for birthday parties. It shouldn't be like that. When your family needs of you, This is the moment to prove that you are really family. And in many occasions you could be sick, but just having that laughter, that joy, having music around, having you know, someone comb your hair and give you a hug and
give you a nice compliment. All those little things can truly affect the way that you feel, even health wise. You know, there's people that have been able to live a longer life because they've been able to be around love, be around people that actually care for them and are there for them. Oh no, no, this yeah, seem one can say like this because I am not necessarily one
hundred percent in it. I do have two elderly you know, parents who both have a lot of health issues, who both are consistently in the hospital every so often, while also having two babies. You know what I'm saying, There are fifteen months and it's a lot of responsibility. And in my case, I am the mother and father of my mother and my father, and I am the mother and father of my kids, and I'm still out here
working and it's a lot of my plate. So thank god I've been able to financially stay afloat and live a different lifestyle. But for those I can't, I wonder how do they make the decision of not you guys to go, but I can't do it? You know, how do I go about it? And how can I also put you in the right place? For you, not the cheapest, because that's another thing where you're talking about someone that's
going to be taking care of your family. The same way that you would do research, you know about putting your kids on a daycare center that you want to make sure that your kids is good, the same effort you should put into figuring out what nurses this. How long have you been in the business. You know, what food are they feeding you? Are they giving you your
meds on time? All those things are necessary. And I know that there's a lot of you know, work and it's a lot of weight on your shoulders, but you got to make it happen.
You do have to make it happen. That's where the home health agencies come in and be very cognizant of your surroundings and the home health agency that you pick, you know.
Look at the ratings, look at new reviews and things like that.
Visit the facilities, speak to the nurses. You know, do your homework, do your background. Like you said, it's the same thing just like you do research for your children. So it's very important you remember they're human beings and.
Not only just thinking about human beings. I mean, now once your parents gets sick or once your parents no longer can do for themselves the way that you know you wish that they could if you were to put them in these centers. I don't know. I feel like if I had my mother God forbid, or my father and a center where they can provide and help for them, I would literally check them like I would do my kids.
Your back, I'm gonna check your butt, I'm gonna check your legs, I'm gonna check your chest, in your arms, is there any bruises, any scratches, bed sores? And many occasions. We also have to remember that there's a lot of older people that don't even remember you at a certain you know, Alzheimer's okay, they don't remember you and dementia, and it's hard for them to even speak to you and tell you. Look, they're doing this to me, this
happened to me. They may not be able to move, they may they may be scared to even tell you because they've been threatened. There's so many things to it that you really gotta talk it through and think it out and figure out what's the best decision. All I'm gonna say is pray to God, ask God to enlighten you ask God to provide the answer to guide your steps. I'm a big person in prayer, you know, ask for guidance because sometimes you may not feel that you know
you're making the right decision. I hope that this conversation inspires you to want to go home and have a conversation with your parents about if God forbid something were to happen to you, how would you want me to handle it. What would you like me to do for you? What would make you more comfortable? Do you mind? Can we have a conversation about doing a testament, all those things, you know, getting an attorney, all these things need to be spoken about. I know it's a really hard decision
to make. Debbie. I want to thank you so much for joining me today because I know that at one point you also worked as a nurse and you were able to see and be in the same space of seeing how they're taken care of. And I know that there's a lot of great elderly homes. There's a lot of great nurses out there that really, you know, take their job seriously and they make their patience, you know, their families, and I respect that and for all of those that are out there right now, going to school
to you know, be a caregiver. You know those that are currently doing it. I personally want to thank you. Thank you so much for being the best that you can be, for taking time out of your day, out of your life, out of your career to be that helping hand to a family that needs guys, guidence to a person who needs assistance. Thank you so much. All I'm going to say is, if you could take anything home, pray on it, do your research, talk as a family.
As a family, have that conversation now. Don't wait till it's too late. Have that conversation now where you guys figure out what would be the steps to take, whether it is from funeral services, whether it is finding a good caregiver, finding out someone that you know, what would be the plan financially? Can we start separating some money for in a case of an emergency. Can we start figuring out, you know, whether it is that I may get sick. If I get sick, what do you guys
do then? You know, do we have health insurance and you haven't had health insurance. That's something that's extremely important that you guys should really look into now and There's a lot of assistance out there as well. There is always somebody out there that has good intentions and that is willing to be a helping hand when you don't know what to do in these occasions. Because I personally don't know what to do, I know it's a really
tough conversation. I feel that at one point, very soon, I'm going to have to have that conversation with my mother and my father on what am I going to do? How am I going to provide assistance for you? Are you guys going to stay here? Does my father want to go back to the Dominican Republic and have his family take care of him because it's maybe cheaper out there.
This is so tough. If you're going through a similar experiences, or if you've gone through anything like this in the past, feel free to hit me up, give me some comments, let me read it, tell me where to go, how do I search it?
What do I do?
This is such a tough, tough topic, but I'm glad that we're talking about it. I'm hoping I am able to inspire or motivate any of you guys to start this conversation today and not wait till it's too late, and I want to thank you guys so much for being part of Exactly Amada. Once again, I am so grateful to every single one of you. Thank you for all the love and support, for the reviews and the subscription. Thank you so so much. Make sure to find me
on YouTube. Catch my show by searching for my Quick with a podcast on YouTube and clicking on exactly Amada. Follow me also on Instagram at Amara lanegra a l n Amada La nigra a l N. And remember that this has been a production of Ihearts micro Buddha Podcast Network. This has been exactly a Mada