Welcome, Welcome, Welcome.
Once again, you guys already know it's your girl, Amada Laira and you're listening to Exactly Amada, a production of Ihearts. Thank you guys for tuning in as usual, and don't forget to give us.
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Subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform. Today's show, it's gonna be super fun because I already had him in the past as a guest, but today's gonna be co hosting Exactly Amada with me HAARLEI.
First of all, how are you doing, Amana?
I am super excited about this topic. It's one that I know you've been wanting to talk about for a very long time. Today on the show, we are talking about masculinity in popular media that of course covers so much ground from masculinity in our culture, toxic masculinity in society on social media. For today's topic, we have a very special guest. You may recognize his voice from a
previous show. His name is Kelvin David. He's from Notoriously Dapper and he is back to bring his insights for this very important topic.
Kelvin, Welcome to the show.
Yay, thank you, Yay, thank you. Thank you for having me again. I'm excited to be here.
So there's so many things, there's so many different points to discuss when it comes to exploring masculinity in popular media. When you hear the word masculinity, what exactly do you hear? What exactly do you envision or think of?
Well, I think of a word in masculinity. I'm thinking of a man that knows who he is and a man that lives with his own purpose. I think the media and societal standards of masculinity because sometimes construe man because you have one side of the standards saying that men need to be more vulnerable, men need to open up, men need to do this and that, and then you have another side of the same. You know, men aren't
supposed to open up. They're supposed to be tough, They're supposed to be all these things that have this hard shell. So I think when a man can be both hard and soft at the same time and really be, you know, in tune with his purpose, to me, that's the definition of masculinity. I mean, you really can't get any better than that than having the best of both.
Worlds, right, And how does the portrayal of masculinity evolved over the years in popular media.
In your eyes, I think some of the keys is definitely time, because you know, when you think back like the nineteen tens and twenties and shit, like, the definition of a man or masculinity is a lot different than what it is now in the modern right, right, Like, you have men from like back in the days like the night and like the nineteen tens and twenties that just because they dressed nice, they were considered men, like they could be wife beaters, they could be obviously they
were you know, more than likely racist during that time, so there was a lot of hatred in their heart. There was a lot of you know, negative attributes. But just because dress nice and they were a part of the community, they were considered like masculine and considered like a gentleman and stuff. But in this modern day and age, the way you dress doesn't make.
You a man.
You just hit a really interesting point to me, because I feel that we're in a generation, in an era where men now have evolved from their closet to ours, right, doing certain outfits, certain looks that go into like you know what now is known as unisex, right, So let's talk about the physical aspect, the wardrobe aspect of it, the visual aspect of it. Where now which you would have never seen this before, it's a popular trendy thing to see men wearing nail polish. It's now a statement
of art. Back in the days, there was an era where men used to somewhat wear and I don't even thinks back in the day certain cultures where men used to wear like the skirt. It's like the skirt, pants, pants, skirts. We see more of that happening. We see more men now becoming more Even when it comes to colors, there was a time where certain colors define this is for women, this is for men, or this is for girls, this.
Is for boys.
Not anymore.
Colors is just colors and everybody can do the same thing. I think the same thing goes with the hair. You know, clothes, hair that when you see them, masculinity does the way that you dress in your eyes or you know, the fashion statement of these days doesn't affect the masculinity for the popular eye, should it or does it?
It shouldn't, but it does. I feel like in some societal standards, a lot of people would view a man that does those eclectic thing as not being masculine, okay in my eyes, you know, I've known plenty of men, including myself. You know that because they wear bright colors, or they get their nails done, or because you know, they wear something that's considered feminine to me doesn't make them less of a man. But that's just my personal,
you know, opinion, in my personal life experience. And I feel as though, like the societal standard you know, has to change in some way because you know, if people do their history, heels were originally invented for men.
I mean, we did have our disco day because I remember that was really trendy when men used to wear like those big platform shoes or whatever, and they weren't perceived as less masculine or less of a man because they were wearing these big ass heels that today you wouldn't barely ever see a man of rocking these you know, platform disco shoes whatever. That definitely hasn't evolved, but it was a thing back in the days.
Here's something else that is interesting to me.
As much as we have.
Grown and visually been like, you know, accept me as I am, there is certain media platforms that tend to reinforce the traditional masculinity. For example, obviously when you see the news anchors, is there in your eyes certain media platform that just reinforce the fact that, you know, the masculinity should be portrayed in a certain way, I feel like.
But then black culture, you know, there's a lot of stigma around black boys and black men. They need to be a certain way and be a certain standard, right, and there's like this, you know, there's a certain standard of what a black man should be in Black culture.
Okay, talk about it.
Latinos too, Latinos too. Let me tell you something because Latinos.
Are also portrayed for the most part, and there's this stigma, you know, the macho man, you know, a machismo thing. So definitely it goes from one generation to the other when they're reinforcing that. In order for you to be a man u, macho, masculino, whatever, you have to act a certain way or look a certain way or whatever. Emotionally you can't be vulnerable or whatever. So not just for the black people, but go ahead, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So like within our cultures, it's like it's hard for young black boys, it's hard for young black men to sometimes you know, if they're feeling different, if they feel like, you know, they want to be a little vulnerable, or they want to cry, or you know, there's something happens, and you know, they want to dress a little different.
It's hard for them to come into their own when they're in their community because within a Black and Latino culture, you know, we are so strict about this is the way a man should act this, This is the way a man should be. You need to weigh your pants this way, you need to dress this way, talk this way.
And you know, that can be detrimental to how you know, they grow up, especially when they leave that community and they go somewhere else, like they go to a college, or you know, they just go on like a field trip, or they go somewhere else and they see that, you know, other places are more accepting of who they are.
Now, let's also talk about the emotional aspect of it, because I feel that that goes from one generation to the other, and I think that unconsciously they don't realize how it does affect.
You know, we live in in a world where when a man cries, you're seen as being soft, You're seen as being you know, weak.
I think that being able to be emotionally available and vulnerable is actually it showcases how strong you are. You know, you're in control of your emotions. You are in you are in tune with your emotions. And it's usually seen in such a negative light when it comes to men.
Why do you think that is?
Like why is it not okay?
And you do see that a lot in the in the black community, where it's like stop currying, you know, men up, or even for girls, you know, suck it up like a man, or take it like why does it have to be so hard?
And so you know, there's no great area.
I think it has to go back.
To the way that the societal standard of men, the way men are viewed. I feel like, you know, men mostly fight wars, right, men mostly do all these hard and you know, tough things. So you know, there's always been a stigma attached where you know, don't cry, you don't do this, you don't do that, right. So I mean I remember as a kid, my dad telling me that it was okay for me to cry, and you know, as a black dad, like.
That was rare to be heard of, especially in.
Like the early nineties, like that was rare to have a dad say it's okay for you to cry. He probably had similar feelings but were not able to express those feelings. So I think he wanted to make it okay for me to do so. And you know, I'm really not much of a crier. You know, I'm not really much of like an emotional crier kind of guy.
Now.
I react out of like, you know, frustration, and sometimes I feel like like a little angry. But you know, as far as like crying, you know, it takes a lot for me to cry.
And what I do.
I usually cry in private because I don't like for I don't like for people to see me cry.
Why does that happen?
I'm a private c as well, you know.
I think that also, Ladies, tell me if you feel me, I don't know me. Kid is being raised by a single mother, immigrant mother, which has really you know, they have really high expectations for what they expect your future to be, because they're like, if I crossed you know, the desert period to get here, you better not cry over this little patty thing like YO about to that, you know, so they have very high standards. It's always a man up, tough enough, Ma Tito you can't cry
keep it up. And I am a private crier. It's like, I'll cry in the shower to myself. I ye me, and I'm not gonna say, oh, I give myself advice like you're doing good. I try to encourage myself and talk, you know. And it sucks that you have to do it privately. It sucks that you can't just be open and vulnerable. And I'm going to talk about it from even an entertainment side. I work on reality TV keyword work.
I will work on a reality TV show and in many occasions we touch certain topics that make me vulnerable and I'm open enough to be emotional about it and cry and be like, yo, that really hurt my feelings or that really made me feel some type of way. And they look at look at this weak bitch, look at this da dah da da dah. And I'm like, why are we in a society where when you're emotionally open like that, it's so perceived in such a negative way.
Instead of being like, damn, I can relate.
I hate the fact.
That there's so many people that are stuck in a room where they can't cry, they can't be vulnerable and then we see so many people committing suicide or stuck on drugs or you know, stuck on alcohol or just trying to find an outlet. Have you ever felt in a space of like, damn, this is so unfair, Like I have to come cry in a corner because or maybe you did bent to someone publicly, maybe a family member, and then they judge you for it.
Yeah, you know, I do feel like I have to cry privately because you know, I don't want people to see that side of me sometimes. And I know that's sad to say, because it's like, you know, I'm this guy that's like everybody should be vulnerable and do this
and that. But I do live this double edge sword where, you know, in front of my daughters sometimes when I want to cry, you know, I'll wait until they go back home with with their mom or you know why why, I don't know, because it's just like I don't want them, you know, to see me in that state and maybe possibly, you know, for some odd reason, see me as like being weaker, soft.
Than I am. Yeah, it's soft weak, you know.
And that's sad to say, because it's like I want my daughters to be like, you know, daddy has emos's daddy cries and all this stuff. Yes, I've only cried in front of my daughters once and it was only like a like three three little tears and wife them my real quick.
And it was like you you know what I mean, Yeah.
That's crazy.
But then at the same time, we expect them to feel open enough to trust us and talk to us and be like, it's okay to cry, It's okay to do this, but you can't see me do it, but you can come to me and do.
It and unconsciously, you don't know how that is damaging.
It's it's you know what, I think that my mom and I everybody admires our relationship.
It's a roller coaster because now i'f it.
Fact, no, nothing is perfect, but people that admire our relationship. I think the part of it was the fact that I saw her in so many vulnerable stages and she allowed me to see it. There's a lot of parents that they don't want their kids to see them cry. They don't want them to know that we're struggling. They don't want No, I want you to see I'm hurting, I'm human, because then like that you can connect with me.
You can connect emotionally the struggle, the pain, the sadness, the whatever it may be.
Sometimes as a parent, I think it's important for your
children to see the human side of you. Daddy is strong, but you know what, Daddy has emotions, He has feelings, like I really heard his feelings or let me not do this, Like if you can see your parent in such a not strict light and see them as a human I think that is very important, and I'm glad that we touched that because there's so many young parents out there, just people overall, that the way that we have to raise our children is different than the way
that we were raised because times have changed. Those things are important, and talking about the emotional part is important. Something I else want to talk about because I know that you've been passionate about it before and you've spoken about it. Is the physical aspect of what the world
perceives as masculine. I know that men also have a lot of pressure that for the most part, we don't hear because we always hear about women talking about how insecure they feel about their body, how TV, social media, music videos, all of this makes women feel so insecure as if we all have to go get surgery.
My body is not perfect. That da da da da.
It creates bullieve me, It creates arexia, it creates eating disorders, it creates so many other things. But we never talk about the men they go through this. So what is your perspective when it comes to when it comes to men and the physical aspect of masculinity.
There's definitely a harder standard for men to reach when it comes to reaching that physical version of masculinity because you know, we'll see these guys that have an extremely massive amount of muscle or like abs, all these things, right, and then that's what they portray as being masculine or being like, you know, ferocious and you know all these
you know, masculine beauty, I would say, right. So it's like when you have a man that doesn't fit that standard, you know, men do feel insecure, especially when you know there's a whole media platform that dedicates their time to saying this is the way men should look, this is the way you know men are supposed to look. And then you have the other aspect of you know, men should just be who they are, right. Body positivity is for everybody. It's for every size, every gender, every age,
every race. Right, I want to also talk about height because people feel short.
I'm like, mean, he's not a man.
Oh that is true.
That is true.
We always see women saying I want a tall man. I want to So what happens to all the short men? Mean, like, I never thought about that, but I'm glad that you're talking about it.
And by the way, there's gonna go out, you know, there's.
Gonna be crazy or whatever.
But then they saw on the Instagram, right, ladies, they were doing like the survey or whatever about man's penis, and they were doing it based on height, with.
All due respect, and they actually.
Saw that most of the shorter men actually had the large you know, the larger penis. And you're one of those girls that I need a man. They has Unamama reads Bay has it.
Well, you know what, you might not want to discredit the short men because a lot of them be packing.
So with that being said, a lot of the short men too, I feel like they have they feel the need of having to fight. They're like really feisty, and they have this stigma they can the shorter you are, the feistier you are, because they feel like they have to. I don't know, fight against the world for making fun of them because they're shorter.
That is so fair.
Just because the man is tall doesn't make him any better.
Yeah, and now you have this like new version of BBLS where like men are getting their legs broken to be taller, and that to me is like fucking sound like they get they really get dudes out here paying thousands of dollars the steamers broken in half to be three to six inches taller. Yeah, that's crazy, Like to me, that's really crazy.
Because no, no, no, no, no, you can't say that that's really crazy because when you see the women out here full of surgery, you think that they look fine as hell. But anyways, get your boobs done, get stabbed inside so they can take the fat out, and then they turn you around and say.
All the fact they took out of your stomach into your ass. Then you're laying there for crazy.
You're really looking that's crazy.
That's crazy, Like I mean, that's crazy. That is crazy. That like the whole societal standard has caused people to feel that way, do you know what I mean? Yeah, but society has to be held accountable in some way.
They're not. But if we yeah, they're not.
But if we lived in a world where it would be like all of a sudden, it is illegal to get surgery anywhere and everybody just had to be who they are.
Yeah, what a baby.
Let me tell you, it would be a tough world out here because a lot of the girls that you see out here looking all fine and crispy. By the way she stretched out her eyes, her she faked her eyebrows, her noses, that her cheekbels are added, her lips is not hers, her jawline is really not hers. That week that she got on, plus her tisses that her leg bulls done, her hits are not real, her ass is faked, you know when you.
Were to look at it.
And then now we're also in the world where men do the same thing, which is also kind of giving equality and fairness. Where the men are wearing lace fronts for though they ain't got no hair, they're adding on these glued on hairlines.
You know, they're getting the six packs done.
Like, we live in a world where we're so faked, but we expect so much realness from each other.
That was good. That was good.
Bars, your bars, you know, were living up.
We live in a world where we expect so much perfection from each other. We expect these perfect bodies, these perfect hairlines, these perfect skin, this that all this other craft. But we expect so much realness from each other, like be real, to be to me, be honest with me, be loyal, to be be allest.
But you're not even that to yourself exactly.
Yeah, So you know, if we really have to live in a world where we accepted everyone as they are, I don't know if well. I mean there was a time where things were like that, but it would be very hard to go back. It would be very it would be very hard to go back. And not to mention the fact that society, who needs to somewhat be blamed for it, has made so much money out of our insecurities.
For sure, you know, talk about it.
Men are responsible for the way women feel about the body, or do you think it's other women? Because there's this online debate thing that says that men really prefer women more natural and women and other women that needs to be in competition with other women?
Do you think that's true?
Are for he's looking and swimming data he's looking. I'm gonna tell you why.
Yeah, you know, why, I honestly think that we're really messes up the mentality when it comes to the physical part is porn.
I'm blaming you. I'm blaming it important because I'm gonna.
Tell you why.
When the porn that that these boys grow up as men to watch, they're looking at these perfect bodies, right.
The boobs don't even jiggle, most of them.
They're like all these perfect boobs, the ways the skin which you know, it's like they have makeup on it.
It's like a whole thing. I've been on a porno set. It's definitely not what you see in the movie.
So there's like a whole you know, production behind this, and men create this mentality of this is what I want, this is what makes me hot, this is what I've seen.
When you look out in the street, you're.
Looking like you're looking for the comfort of your mother, right with the sexiness of the peel of what you grew up watching that turned you on on these porn videos and all this stuff. So you're looking for this this mix and that mix when you go.
Out here to these streets.
There's great women out here who are responsible, well educated, financially stable, all these great things morals, values, but doesn't look like what you see.
Or what you what makes you hot, whatever. So it just puts a really.
High standard for women to fit into this this perfection. And then you have society that gives you Victoria's Secret models, that gives you photoshop images of these women all this other stuff.
And I think the.
Women naturally are competitive and we compete against each other. But between society and the men that we want, we want you to want us, and you don't want us because we don't look this way.
It makes it very hard.
If you even look at the porn for the most part, you have some fig guys, but a lot of them are not even fig.
They could be fat.
You could be fat, you could be square, you have no ass, you can have a little dingling, you have anything, and we'll still take you.
That's true.
So it's very it's very unfair. Is the standards are very uneven?
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, especially especially when you put it in that way. You know, I didn't even think about the whole porn aspect of it, and how young boys are growing up with this, like you know, with this ideal like body image of what a woman should be, and it's hard to shake that when you're like a fifteen year old boy and you view this, I'm not a porn and then you're like twenty and you're trying to get this girl, You're like, wait, she doesn't look like the girl I saw when I was fifteen.
Yeah, that's some fuckf.
And even sexually, and even sexually women, a lot of them become insecure because I've had this conversation before where they become insecure because they feel that they have to do what their men like or what they've seen based.
On what they've watched.
It's not even real because if you were to be on a sess and you see that there's five cameras, there's the hairstyles, the makeup of this that that does assist. There's a whole bunch of people making sure that this image gets created for your entertainment. It makes it unfair for women as well. So I'm glad that we reached this topic because these are the things that people think about a lot of times but don't have the guts to talk about publicly. And I love the fact that
you are willing to be open, vulnerable, honest, transparent. Maybe not with your kids, but you might want to work on that. Yeah, I work on but we need more people that are willing to be open and honest and just accept themselves for who they are and still work on themselves because things are not perfect.
It's a working process.
You know.
I'm so glad to have you working with Find you all right.
You can find me on Instagram at Kelvin Davis and then you can find me on Facebook at no Torsti Dapper at nottorsidepper dot com.
And you know you could get my book wherever you know books are sold.
It's no how to be a modern dealer maate with men or telling body confidence.
You know what I'm saying.
Strong, I know that's right.
And by the way, guys, listen, if there's anything you could take home with you today from today's conversation.
In my eyes, it's just before you go ahead and judge someone else, especially also you know a man, before you go judge somebody else, check you first. You know what I'm saying. It's it's tough out hearing this world for everybody. Everybody's going through their own struggles in different levels, in different ways. It'stop being so damn judgmental about somebody's body about the way they should dress, about the way
that they should act. Mind your own damn business. The same way that you don't want people to judge you, let other people be who they are. We were all born different and that's what makes us us, and that combination is why we're in this world.
To accept each other for who we are.
Whether a man is sure, whether he's and that's another thing, ladies, if you feel that you have a lot of pressure, let's also think that men. Men are also going through their own demons. They're also going through their own struggles with society in their household, the way that we're raised at work, whatever it may be. Some judging people for the how tall they are, what they're wearing this, and that you know where they live, what car they drive.
Today you could have everything and tomorrow you could lose it, you know, and vice versa. I've known a lot of men that didn't have nothing, and all it took was this one opportunity for his whole life to change. And you missed out on this good man because of this situation.
So just be more open minded and less judgmental. With that being said, guys, today's episode, I've really, really enjoyed it, and if you didn't get an opportunity to, you know, tell anybody about it, they can go ahead and watch it again on the YouTube channel. Just go to the search part and ready. Exactly Amada. Thank you once again
for being part of Exactly Amada. Follow me on Instagram at Amala al And amadat Latinika al And and remember that this has been a of Iheart's Microfuda podcast network.
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