Exploring BDSM: A Conversation with Mistress Damiana Chi, PHD

already hear it. I am a little bit under the weather, all this traveling, you know, around the world, and when I finally came ros in Miami, Come okay, my body getting shot and I don't know, I stand a little bit like. Okay, you remember to subscribe to my podcast, Show me some love, some support, and rate us, give us those five stars that we well deserve, because we always give you the best of us, well the best

of me. Don't forget. Go to the YouTube channel and write exactly I'm out on the search bar so you can, you know, check out our shows today I wanted to do Come okay, exactly I'm a little bit more spicy, Come a little bit more saucy, more sexy, more more free, more open minded, more let's explore. Let's let's go into this episode today with an open mind, because today, not only do I have my girl, Arlene Arline, Mommy, how are you? I'm ready? I'm mad, I got two coffees in,

I'm ready for this conversation night. Thanks for inviting me. I'm glad you picked me versus Alex. You know what, I really felt that you needed to be part of this conversation because you're always so sweet and cute and you know just well put together that I always feel like, where is the freaking Arline? Where is the sexy sexual part of you? I tanting to know how open you are mentally when it comes to today's topic. And we

also have an amazing guest meta. I really wish that Alex was here, but we're gonna tell him all about it later because he's gonna feel so bad he missed this episode. But Arline presents, who do we have today? Well, this is a conversation that you've been very curious about, and we thought why not bring in an expert to really talk us through, give us an understanding on this subject. We have someone coming in to discuss b DSM to educate us a little bit on this spicy topic. Our

guest is a professional dominatrix. She has over twenty years experience. She has a PhD in clinical psychology. M A. Yeah, she's smart. She has an m A and counseling psychology. She's also a kink centered sexologist and a kink life coach. This is the one where I'm gonna have to pick her brain a little bit because I'm interested in this kink centered sexologist and she's also the founder of the Evolutionary Dominatrix Academy. Mistress Domiana, Welcome to Exactly Amata. So

much for that intervention. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for inviting me, Damiana. Oh my god, I love that name. By the way, thank you. Okay, So here in Exactly Amada. I have always been very sexually open, always your curious. I say other things that everybody thinks about when no one has the guts to say out loud, all those things that I'm always somewhat preaching about being sexually open and not so judgmental and exploring your body,

exploring your sexuality. I spoke about so many other different things. To me, it's like that's nothing, But there's real different levels to this. There's like even now listening to you know, other things you've actually studied, like this is a profession. It's not just only the sexual part of it, the fun part of it. But this is really a profession, first of all, for those that may not know, like myself, because I'm not gonna lie. What exactly does B D

s M stand for? So? B D s M is an acronym, and it stands for bondage and discipline, Sadism and masochism. And then you take the two middle initials and that stands for dominance and submission. Okay, so it's like an acronym within an acronym. Okay, Now tell me what inspired you? What motivated you? How did you get started? Did you just wake up a name like you know what boom? I want to or you know you were curious, you work your way into it, you saw something? How

did you get into this? So I got into this by accident. I was going to I was in my graduate program, in my master's program, going for the counseling psychology degree, and one of the assignments in my program that my teacher gave me was pick a disorder out of the DSM four. So have you heard of the DSM. It's the Diagnostic Statistical Manual Mental Disorders, and the psychologists go by that whatever mental disorder anyone is diagnosed with it,

it's in that book. So I picked sexual masochism because I thought this sounds like a fun topic and all the other disorders sound really depressing. So okay, that was the one that sounded fun to me, and I was I had always been curious about it anyway, and so I started studying it. And my sister at the time had a quote unquote slave who was picking up her male you know, getting groceries things like that, just kind of like an errand boy that she was calling her slave.

I thought, okay, I'm going to interview him. You know, he's into he's into this kinky stuff. I'm an interview And when I interviewed him, it was so fascinating learning about what makes a submissive tick. That's how I got into it. I started interviewing him, I started playing with him. Well, I started playing with him by accident. When you mean playing with him, what exactly does playing with him mean?

That with that submissive, with that submissive kink that you're referring to, Uh huh, I'm going to tell you about how I accidentally started playing with him. Okay, and then I'll get into like what play means. My sister and I were living together at the time, and she said, Okay, my slave's going to come over and help us pack. And this was a guy that I had interviewed before, but I hadn't ever met him. Okay, So when he came to help us pack, I came home. She said, oh,

she said, just come home. She said, put on a pair of high heels and just be bossy. I was like, all right, I can do that. So I come home and here he is already. He's a guy in his panties only, wearing women's panties packing boxes for us in our living room, right, And this is the first time I'd ever seen anything like this, And I was like, oh, okay, and I was kind of amused. On the inside, I was feeling kind of amused, but I didn't talk to him.

And then at one point he said to my sister, miss may I use the bathroom, and she says, go ahead, but you have to sit like a girl on the toilet. So he went into the bathroom and he left the door open, cracked open a couple inches so I could see him sitting on the toilet, right. And then I walked over there and I pushed the door wide open, and I said, you don't get any privacy, and he looked at me really scared, like this is the first thing I ever said to him. And so this is

what happened that day. And I didn't say anything else to him the whole rest of the day. But the next day he contacted me and he said, because we had already been on the phone and stuff, he said, you know what, you're not just as psychologist. I think you're a dominatrix too. I think you have it in you. Would you be interested in playing with me? And by playing with him specifically him he was a domestic slave so or domestic submissive, you know, And so he was

into cleaning my house. My house, I had a studio apartment at the time, so but he paid me fifty dollars to paint, to clean my entire apartment, you know, the whole, like scrubbing my toilet and the tub and my whole place. And I would just boss him around, tell him you miss a spot right there, you miss a spot right there on the floor. And then I would take an implement from my kitchen, like a like a wooden spoon or something and and spank him on

the ass with it, you know, stuff like that. So punishments. He would get punishments for um getting stuff wrong, you know, And so that's a part of the discipline. There are different levels to this, you know. Everybody's level of kinkiness or b DSM may be different and may not all be to that extent. You know, Some may like get a little bit more intense than others exactly, you know.

And for example, just give a different a couple of examples of different levels of BDSM, because I know there's some they like to wear the latex, some like the bondage, some like to just wear the panties, some like give us some examples of the category. If coined the term called kink, kink sexuality like one word king sexuality, you know how like homosexuality head or sexuality is one word.

I've coined the term. It's not like official yet, but I'm trying to get it out there because I believe that people are born kinky, like it's your sexual orientation, you know. So, like you were saying Amara that there's people you're curious about people who are very very kinky versus very very maybe they're just curious or something like that.

So if you if you look at it like on a spectrum, very very kinky or like one percent kinki is over here on this end, and then very vanilla is over on this end, and vanilla would be something like, you like missionary sex. You don't like getting freaky at all. You just like to you know, just traditional sex, traditional sex. I love me some missionary. Hold up, some missionary can be very very nice. So you know, like somebody like you Amara might be like right in the middle, right,

you might be right fifty percent. You could be like, I'm down for exploring King, I'm down for exploring Vanilla. I'm open either away. That would be something like in the vanilla world called bisexuality. You're not all the way over to homosexuality. You're not all the way over to hetero. You're in the middle, you know what I mean. It's

like a spectrum, just like that. I think it's important to also be with a with a partner personally, with all due respect for everybody who's into orgies and you know, whatever it is threesomes. I've never had one. It's personally not my thing per se, but I've never had when I don't know, but I do like to explore with that one person I'm with. With this one person i'm with, I'm willing to try everything. Throw me from one side of the room to the other, you know, spang me

this that you want to, I don't know whatever. Let's I'm with it because it's just you and me, and I feel comfortable enough that it stays between us. It's not like a whole bunch of people. And then obviously, as a public space, you kind of also have to be a little bit more. You know, this screeks. But I do think that you should be sexually open, not be afraid. If you have it in your mind and the curiosity is there, why not explore it, don't you know. Don't take that as if you have an issue or

I mean, we'll wait. There's some things that I might be like, okay, well maybe we have to discuss this. But I still do think that you should be open enough to try and stuff. I told my mom because my mom and I my mom is my best friend and I tell her everything. And I told my mom, you know, when I'm having sex, I like to get slapped, and she's like, in your face, I'm like, yeah, slap me, spit in my face, took me, and you know, she was like, you have problems, like this is not normal?

Da da da, And I'm like, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. When you're in your sexual moment, you kind of come ok. You know, when you're done, I'm sometimes to be like, what the hell was that? That was too much? But in the moment, you're just having fun exactly. Oh, in the moment, you're right, You're absolutely right. So when we go into when I go

into scenes, I call the media sm scenes. You know, when we're in a scene, it's like you're I'm For example, a very common roleplay would be I'm I'm mistress and then my submissive is my slave. That's the most common dynamic, right there could be something also, a different dyam dynamic would be like teacher and student or um. You know, you get the mom, nurse and patient. I am, yes, I've done mom and all these roleplays. I'm always the

dominant role right um. And so when in a scene, any scene, mistress, slave, mommy, son, whatever, you're in the scene and it's real. It feels so real. It feels like you're in the moment, everything's so hot and you're open. You're more open during a scene than any other time when you're outside of it because you're in that um you're all your adrenaline and the endorphins or in all the serotonin, all your different neurochemicals are firing. So it

feels very exciting when does the scene stop. Because for example, for you, because you're the dominant, you you know when it's over, like boom, it's done. For those that maybe the slave or maybe on the other side, do they sometimes have an issue cutting it off or disconnecting or like they don't have to worry about it. The dominant is in control of everything. The dominant begins the scene, that the dominant closes the scene. It's very important for the dom to close the scene like at the end

of it. So the scene is similar to like a vanilla sex sex session where you know, there's the four play, right, there's four play so it kind of warms it up and then you get up into the peak sexual part where it's very very exciting, you know, and then it kind of like wanes down right, you get into the cuddling, you get into all that. So we have terms for all of that. We have terms for all of that.

We presene negotiation. We talk, we warm up, we get to know each other, and then scene starts, like the dom says, okay, we're in role now. You know, when we enter the other room, role begins. So world begins, and then we go through the whole scene and then you know, like whatever whatever intense stuff we want to do in the middle, and we weighed down and then it lightens up and end. At the end, I say to my slave, you know, there could be an orgasm

or something like that. There could be, there doesn't have to be. But at the end of the scene, you were such a good slave for me. You took so much pain for me. You did you know, I would love to train you again. You did a good job. Good slave. So that kind of closes a scene. You know, you don't want to beat somebody and just leave it like that. That would be not a good way to end. You know, you never want to end it like in a heightened part like that. It's not good. It's not

good mentally, bring it down. Have you ever been a slave yourself? So when I I was training to be Dominatrix, I had two mentors they were. They were famous and legendary in La Mistress Miss Sabrina Belladonna and Mistress Silsa's stricks. So I went through a whole training program with them for about a year and a half. Um And during that time, I said, I want to know what it

feels like to be a slave in a session. And so I went to one of my mentors, mister Silsa, and I said, you know, I want you to do everything to me. Treat me like a slave, beat me with me, put me in bondage. I want to feel it, you know, so so you can understand what you know, what you're making the other person feel, and how the how was the experience for you personally? So um, so it was a two hour scene. Um, and she she did stuff to me like she she wanted to treat

me like a slave, you know. But for me it wasn't really a turn on. So I realized that it wasn't. I wasn't a submissive. I am not a submissive. I could bottom, you know, I could bottom. I don't bottom very often. But what I loved about it was being flogged, and um, that was a part I love the most, was being flogged. I was wouldn't be heavy bond flogged. Um. So there's there's these things called floggers where there's um,

there's a handle and then there's a bunch of swede tails. Yeah, and it's you know like it could be it could if you did it softly, it could feel like a massage. But no, you get a little better beat it. You gotta be I've done it. Yeah, good, good, you don't am I am I getting to know it was at the time a lot of them. I am sure you've done things that you don't know the actual term of it, and you might be closer into this than you actually know.

M So there you go through the flogging. Yeah, the flogging felt amazing to me because it was like, you know, she did it at the right pace. She warmed me up. It slowly because you have to do it correctly. There's a technique. So people can't just pick up a flogger and start beating their partner. No, you can't just go hard from the beginning. That's incorrect technique. You gonna warm it up, Warm it up, Warm up the body, warm up the skin. You bring the blood to the surface

of the skin. It's usually like on the back on the ass. You could flog lightly on the front, but lightly, you know, lightly, so on my back. I was flogged very She got to a point where she flogged me pretty hard again, working it up, working it up until we got to the point where I was producing indoor fins, right, And when you produce indoor fins, oh, it starts feeling really good. You start wanting and you start wanting more. And so she flogged me to the point where I

had bruises on my back or over a week. It was nice. It was like, oh, look, I got flogged. Has anybody ever pagged? I don't know what pegging is. Pegging goes on all the time and teach Charlie what pegging is. I've only done. But it was very empowering. Well, this person requested it. I'm not necessarily like, oh yeah, let me go peg, you know, he requested it, and I was like, sure, I'd rather you to ask me

than ask somebody else, so I'll try it. It was very empowering because I had never done it and seeing that I was pleasuring this, you know, this person, he wasn't my partner at the time. Um afterwards, I did because I'm telling you when you're in the moment, it's like oh yeah. But when you're done, that's when you kind of like hmm. You can't say you don't like something too. You've done it. I tried it. It's not really my thing, but I did it. I can say,

check done that. So Arlene, UM, I don't know if you want to try this, but just check it out. Let's see what is what is it? Okay? So pegging is a term that came up. I mean when I first started, Like I said, I I've been a dominatrix. I've been a professional for twenty four years now, twenty four years, um, and so when I first started in the profession, it wasn't called pegging. It was called anal play strap on play, strap on play. They turned it

into pegging somehow somewhere along the line. I don't know, I don't remember. I don't know when, ten years ago, who knows, but um, but that's that's the term now that they used. So, so Arlene, you know what strap on? Play with that with that strap on? Yes? Yeah, so what I mean my twenties, I was more curious about that. Now that I'm getting older, I'm like, I don't know, if I can physically handle it, but in my twenties. But it's not. It's not the step for women to

give yes because oh yeah I got that part. Yes, yeah, yeah, you know telling your partner. Now listen, I have this strap on my bought. I want to try it on you.

You know, I'm kidding. I'm really curious about this dynamic about women getting into their own as far as this dominant role, because traditionally women weren't really allowed to explore their sexual feelings and desires, and so now you know, moving into this more dominant role, it can be very feel, very powerful, explore those Yeah, you tell us a little bit about how that all fits in in my dom journey.

I call it a dom dom journey. Um. So, I grew up in La but I grew up in a very traditional Chinese household, right, so it was for my parents what they wanted and to all Chinese parents, you know, when they come from the tradition, they want their children

to be quiet and demure, especially if you're a girl. Demure, quiet and so um, they kind of trained me to be a very shy child because that was seen as a you know, this is quality, this is what you want if you're boisterous and you're this and that, that doesn't that doesn't seem or lady like, you know, lady like, and there's a Chinese term for it, ladylike. Right, And so I was brought up like this where I never spoke my feelings. I didn't speak my opinions. It just

was like that I held everything inside. But I held everything so bottled up that by the time I got to teenage years, I completely rebelled. And we don't have to get into that, but I was this really rebellious teenager, okay, And then when I discovered being a dominatrix in my

early adulthood, I was like, it felt really well. First of all, when I got when I had a boyfriend, my first boyfriend, I was sixteen, I was very bossy and controlling and it felt good to boss him around because I was always this dominant person inside, but I didn't have a place to express it. And so it feels very empowering to do that. Not only to use

the implements that feels very empowering. To or the strap on, it feels very empowering, but to use your voice and to order them around, get on your knees in front of me, worship my feet, you know, stuff like that. And you know it's healthy because that is what they want. That is what they crave. It's the that's what they Yeah, they want that, it's yes, and so there's no there's nothing wrong about it. It's healthy. Healthy on both ends.

You're expressing yourself on the dominant end, they are receiving what they need on the other on the submissive end. And nobody's judging anybody. You know, um, my mom's always told me this because I've seen her and my mom hasn't had a lot of partners or relationships, you know, with me while I've been around, obviously, because my mom has that that traditional mentality of I want to give my daughter a good example. I don't want to have

a lot of men coming in. And now she's been very like that, but I've always seen that she's very bossy and she's like, your paycheck goes here on the table, I pay this, and I give you that. And I was like, mom, they're gonna leave you. Who wants to be with a woman like this? And my mom is like, when you're too submissive and you're too sweet, and you're too nice. They take advantage of you, and they don't like it. Those women, they're a little bit more aggressive.

I'm taking control, this is what's happening. They kind of do like it a little bit more to note that the woman is in control. Now. I have this question as well, whether it's been the sexual part of it or just the dominatrix part of it. Have you ever had a scene, rather better, a scene that when you finished you felt bad or guilty or said, maybe I went too hard, maybe I touched I touched a feeling I didn't know this person have, or you know, maybe I said this too strongly. Have you ever had a

moment like that? Yes? Yes, So like I run it on anatrix academy, right, so I talk about all of this stuff. Basically, I give them all along, all of the knowledge, so they have it upfront. Before when I was starting, I was kind of just feeling my way through the dark. Really. I had the two mentors, yes, but I only took classes with them to learn how to do like the flogging in the bondage and the activity right the things to the physical things I wasn't

I wasn't taught. I didn't get the training on how to treat them mentally or psychologically. So early on in my early dam years, I would take somebody who said they wanted um the degradation. So this is a king, So there's people out there who want to be degraded

and humiliated. Okay, And so somebody would come to me and say, you know, maybe this is a sub that doesn't know how to Maybe they're kind of early Maybe this sub that I'm bringing up in my example, maybe they're kind of new at it too, so they don't know how to express everything. So this with what happened was this person said I want to be degraded. I want to be degraded, and I want I want you to at me and just treat me really bad and

just all of that. So I said, okay. And so here was the guy in front of me, and he took off his cloth because the dom is always clothed in fetish clothing and then the sub is always naked usually, and so here he is naked in front of me, and I would I said stuff like, look at you, You're a fat slob. Who would want you? You know, you're just you know, look at you, You're an ugly pig.

I started saying things like that, very very these insults, right, and I started seeing him just kind of like go into this place during the scene of it wasn't a turn on. I just saw him kind of shut down, shut down, And so I stopped the scene and I said, Okay, let's do a time out here. I know I'm saying something that isn't isn't hitting your buttons? Tell me about that. He said, I don't want to be I don't want you to call me fat. He's like, that's a tender

spot for me. And so I learned that you can't just generalize degradation. You can't just generalize, you know, whatever you say, you have to ask in the beginning, Okay, what turns you on? What words turn you on? What do you want? What do you want to hear in the scene? What makes you hot? What makes you hot during the scene? And you have to find out specifics, specifics.

So when somebody says, maybe they're new and they're like, I have fantasy being degraded, then you ask them, Okay, in your fantasies, when you masturbate, whatever it is, what is the dominant calling you, what she's saying to you? Tell me what she's saying in your fantasies, so you have to find out before you get into the scene. You have to find out. So that's very, very important. I'll sell you this much. I have learned so much today.

I continue to be curious. I am glad to know that you make it in the space where one is a profession. You know, you studied this, you know there's techniques that you can't just go out there and you know think that you know because you've seen a couple of porn videos that you know how to do this. There's people that actually studied this, and there's academies for this and all this stuff, and there's podcasts for this. So where is your podcast? Where can we listen to it?

How can we follow you on social media? How can we get in contact with you? Give us all the details. My podcast is called light Workers who Play in the Dark, because I see doms as light workers. When you're doing it the right way, you're a light worker. You bring light to the person that you're playing with. You heal them. Light workers are healers. So we play in the dark. We play in the dark parts where you know people are afraid to talk about this stuff outside it's could

be shameful stuff. You know, it's shameful stuff we're not seeing. We're not seeing it is shameful. But this is the dark stuff, right. So that's the name of my podcast. You can find it everything on my I have a links page called Domiana ChipHD dot com and so on that links page you can find my podcast, you can find my academy. My academy is called the Evolutionary Dominatrix Academy. I wanted to mention also that I am doing an in person event next month in April, and I'm going

to be teaching a three day workshop. It's called the Dominatrix Archetype Workshop. It's April twenty first, twenty second, and twenty third. You can come to LA and there's only six spots because I do give a lot of personal attention, so six spots for six women. I will have six submissives for you. So that is an opportunity to work

with me in person. I also can work with you all over the world on the internet because my academy, the Evolutionary Dominatrix Academy, is a six month full program and I have students all over the world joining this well, I'm definitely going to be posting some of this on my personal Instagram because I know that there's going to be so many listeners ready to get all these details.

This has been one of the most interesting episodes I've done because you really touched topics that a lot of people, like I said before, are curious, but there's very few that are willing to talk about it openly in a way that they don't feel judged, and it's a learning experience for all of us. The world is a huge place.

There's a lot of people that like different things. I don't think that we should judge them, for we have the rights to have our own sexuality try however it is that we want to, and I'm glad that there's people like yourself that are willing to make so many people comfortable in their space. Arlene, thank you so much for joining today. I'm so grateful as usual because you also make me feel comfortable and as another woman, you know, it's not I don't have to feel awkward. It's like

what we all think about it. We all have had our little bit of curiosity, so this has been pretty fun. I want to thank all of you guys for being part of Exactly Amata once again, and don't forget to follow me on all social media platforms at Amada, La and ada and or ed exactly Amada on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, all that good stuff. This has been a production of Ihearts Michael Tuda podcast network. I love you guys, See you next time.