¶ The Importance of Sacrifice and Demolition
Alright , well , I think this looks pretty good . I'm ready to go .
I hope so . I lost a lot of time last attempt on this . Well , I mean , do you want to go first , or should I . Oh , honors all yours , dale . Alright , I sacrifice . I sacrifice .
I sacrifice , I sacrifice , I sacrifice , I sacrifice , I sacrifice , I sacrifice .
I sacrifice . How do we know if it worked ?
Well , I mean , I guess we'll just have to go check on the sacrifice , I mean the volunteers there .
Ok , let's go . Oh well , that's the red light , so let's do our show first , dale . Yeah , show first . Good morning , tritown . I'm Michael Tore Goddale , dallas , and this is Everything Matters . Good morning , tritown . Glad to be back . There's a chill in the air . Krampus growls deep in the forest as he begins to awaken .
Everyone is gathering trinkets and offerings to bestow upon their loved and unloved ones . Before long , marie stew meat monoliths will be on the shelves of your local grocer . I can't wait to slice into that beautiful , delicious block this year . Any plans for the holiday this year , dale ?
Well , it's my first Yule alone , I think , since the untimely demise of my wife . I was thinking about having one of those friends misgatherings this year . What do you think ?
I think Todd would love that . Todd , uh , a special news bulletin for you all . Today , the Tritown Neighborhood Watch reports that the evidence warehouse on Second Street in Threadington has been broken into or potentially broken out of .
The Neighborhood Watch spent many hours gathering up all the evidence of unauthorized taxidermy following this most recent blackout a couple months ago . Over 300 animals and at least 20 humanoids were reported , gathered and documented .
The Neighborhood Watch has no leads on the perpetrator and now , in this most recent development , all of the evidence has gone missing Inexplicably . The warehouse where the evidence was stored was still locked and there was no damage to any of the entrance points , and yet all the taxidermy has gone missing .
If you have any information on this shocking crime , please contact the Neighborhood Watch immediately .
And with that it's time for the Tritown Bolton Board , brought to you by Theodore Schmunkins' Meatballs .
As you likely already know , hundreds of Tritown residents were without power after the failures at the Cox Energy Power Plant . Work crews reported the rock-solid , thick Cox wiring was nearly impossible to work on and there is still no estimation for what time the outage will be resolved . Rumors of a class-action lawsuit have sprung up .
While many residents deal with life without power , the Tritown Community Center is open for residents who need access to heat and water .
Sounds like we might be getting a new Dollar General soon . We can only hope , dale . If you want healthy plans , some people say you should talk to them . If you want delicious cheese , try playing them . Hip hop music .
If you want the best baloney , you better pop some popcorn , because researchers in Pine Ridge have conducted an experiment to determine how video affects the microorganisms that give meat its taste . This fall experiment Baloney at the Cinema was conducted in various local theaters .
15-pound baloney logs were placed in each theater and each log was played a different genre of film , such as horror , comedy , action and even romance . One log was used as a control and was not permitted to watch any films . The balonis were exposed to films for 16 hours a day , giving them each 8 hours of sleep .
When the meat was produced , it was made sure everything was from the same farmers and was produced in one vat to ensure the logs were as uniform as possible . Once the balonis matured , they were analyzed by professional food technologists , who concluded that the logs exposed to films had a milder flavor compared to the control log .
The group also determined that the horror baloni had a significantly stronger aroma and was saltier compared to the other samples tasted . A panel of chefs , politicians and mothers also sampled the baloni from each log and , in a blind taste test , they all agreed that the baloni that was played romance was sweeter than the rest .
The next goal Creating a super baloni by allowing them to watch several different types of films in hopes of truly maximizing the flavor .
You know I was on that panel , dale , and I have to say I found the control log to be the tastiest . Really , that's strange . Many homes have reported they discovered large targets were painted on their home , many of these targets only visible from the air .
If you have a target painted on your home , please call to the Tritown City Council helpline by dialing 221 and first select I'd like to report a strange occurrence from the available props , then my home from the next menu , non-emergency from the next menu , corporal from the next menu and then yes , from the final menu . Thanks for your stewardship , tritown .
I haven't noticed any large bullseyes on my home , mike , but I haven't checked from the air . Why would someone pay $120,000 for a can of worms ? All it takes is the right artist to put it together . Amavis Davis' infamous can of worms has reportedly sold for just that much .
The worms exhibited at the Garlax Art Gallery in Moothaven are not sculptures , but real live worms . Surprisingly , the piece sold for just $120,000 , which is a real bargain , considering there is another piece by the same artist that just sold for $150,000 .
The art piece is named the Can of Worms and , according to the artist , the worms represent global trade and the name is a planned word with the humorous twist . However , it's hard to find the humor in a can of worms that cost $120,000 .
You know I have a few of those in my home . Dale Amavis Davis' pieces no dollars . Public Service Announcement Please stop shooting your guns into Nessie Lake . Incidents of residents shooting Nessie Lake have been reported . Save your ammunition and keep the piece . There's no reason to shoot your gun into Nessie Lake , says this statement from the Tritown City Council .
I don't know about you , dale , but I believe them .
I can't think of any good reason to shoot my gun into Nessie Lake . I've never seen anything suspicious in there , not once Same here . For years , the abandoned buildings your Thornfield Drive have loomed over downtown Thredington . They're towering masses devoid of life , but not for much longer .
The decrepit art deco buildings have been marked for demolition early next year and the city is giving you the chance to personally bring it all down .
We are selling unique experiences , from watching the buildings explode to buying souvenir bricks , including pushing the button itself says Heritage Auctions , an independent auction house hired by the city here to collect bins for the planned destructions . This will be done remotely and can be done anywhere in the city or as close to the plaza as you'd like to get .
In response to the critics , the city had this to say we acknowledge that this location holds a significant place in Thredington's history , with many of its most iconic moments having taken place here . But in demolishing this site we will honor its legacy while also creating new and exciting memories for the people of Triton .
Earlier this month , strong winds ripped off parts of the crumbling facade and sent them tumbling to the ground below , striking two local men . Demolition work began early this year and now City Council hopes to finish it off with a bang .
Yeah , I grabbed myself one of the heavy construction equipment experiences . With any luck , I'll get to swing a wrecking ball myself . That sounds like a real blast .
¶ Private Eye and Child Safety Methods
This has been the Triton Bulletin Board brought to you by Theodore Schmumpkin's Meatballs , now in cube form . Go ahead , play with your food . Theodore Schmumpkin's Meatballs Meat Cubes are a fun twist on a family favorite . In the shadows of a city draped in secrets , there's one woman who dares uncover the truth .
A dame with eyes as sharp as her whip and a heart that seen its share of hurt . A big heart that falls easily but drives her to seek justice in a world that looks the other way . This is Veranoir Private Eye .
Lorraine was a serenade , a haunting backdrop to the drama unfolding . Before me , there stood the pudgy piece of… a fella . His presence of striking juxtaposition to the sleek , sharp lines of the city's alleys . I don't know how long I stared . I realized I was spending more time undressing him in my head than trying to work out whatever nonsense he'd just spewed .
You , her keeper . I'd rolled the words , barely hiding my voice's quiver . I adjusted the brim of my hat , letting the shadow conceal my eyes . No , he rumbled , his voice smoothed like a whiskey aged to perfection . I'm her husband . You're looking for trouble Trouble . It was my middle name . My gaze shifted back to where Lila was standing , but she had disappeared .
I thought for a moment I should head after her , but who knows if I'd ever find this man again . And clues needed stripped Bear , they needed closely inspected with all five senses . That's what I'm here for . I can chase broads through the rain some other day , probably Thursday .
I marked it down in my notebook to tentatively plan to chase women through the rain on Thursday , just looking for answers . I replied . Finally , the man chuckled and shook his head . He didn't answer . A real husband's . Worried about her , I confessed . Prodding further , his expression softened , the harsh city lights casting a halo on his rounded edges .
She's not missing . Why don't you come over ? We can chat . I'll explain . I should have declined , but curiosity was a vixen , I couldn't resist . Lead the way , I said the interior of his apartment was a wreck . More beer cans than a fraternity house recycling bin . Dishes looked like they hadn't been washed for weeks . He had two couches . They didn't match .
I paused for a moment . Dirty couches are a weakness of mine , one of my greatest weaknesses . I felt the heat well , all the way up to my ears . No brim of any hat was going to hide the sweat on my brow . Now how could this fella have known ? Was this a trap To the missing and misunderstood ?
I heard him say , and I turned to see him pop the tab on a cheap beer , white can , red ribbon . He slurped the bubbles off the top before handing it to me . I cautiously reached out to touch it and it was warm . That settled it . Out came the heater , a cold M1911 . He stared me down , hand outstretched , our eyes locked .
Don't give me those puppy dog eyes , it won't work , I said . I pulled back the hammer to show I meant business . What's wrong ? He said finally , stop Vera , think . Calm down . Eyes are up there . Don't let that beautiful bulge and perfect hooch distract you .
The couches , mismatched and dirty , could have been a coincidence , but my favorite brand of warm beer , on top of that , opened exactly the way I like it the only person who knows that much about me . Wait a second .
That was about the extent of my thought process when whether it was pure instinct or luck , I'm not sure , but I hit the floorboards just in time , the apartment erupting with wood splinter and shattering glass . I heard the sound of a Tommy gun outside . I covered my head and waited it out .
After the full clip was emptied into that little apartment , I jumped up and headed to the window hoping to get a shot off before whoever was out there reloaded . But I didn't get that shot off .
First thing I saw out that window , lila , a beautiful creature , was standing there with a cigarette in one hand and the other on the shoulder of someone I unfortunately recognized , someone who , in that moment , I couldn't bring myself to put down , despite all the lead and shattered glass around me . I had him . I had him dead to rights , but I hesitated .
What kind of setup is this ? I muttered to myself .
That was a riveting episode of Veer Noir Private Eye . Who was that joker ? What's Lila up to ? Will Vera get to keep her Thursday plans ? I can't wait to hear the next chapter , but for now it's time for another segment of Taking Safety Seriously with Tritown's head researcher , Dr Daniel Leeds how you doing there , doc .
Uh , thanks for having me , dale . I'm doing quite well , glad to hear it , doc .
Hey , a quick follow-up question before we dive into this next episode . What are you supposed to do if you think perhaps you well won , if one did not like someone else did not follow proper mirror safety protocols and they think there might have been some sort of problem ? Someone else thinks there might have been some sort of problem .
Listeners have asked , and I'm asking for a friend who is a listener .
Um . Your listener friend should call the Tritown City Council immediately and self-report obviously .
Oh right , I mean , but surely there's some sort of home remedy or treatment .
No , no , not that I know . You should get professional help as quickly as possible , immediately .
Alright . Well , that's an interesting suggestion from oh , is it ?
Dale , it's not a suggestion , it's absolutely something .
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA .
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA . Understood Well , doc . Let's get on with this week's segment here .
Alright , got a little holiday music here for you just one moment , alright . Well , to celebrate the holiday season , I am pulling out a Yule Time favorite , article 703-1287 . Keeping your children over the holidays .
That's a great one , doc , a real favorite of mine . It's a classic . So how do the good people in Triton keep their children this year ?
Oh , there are a variety of great methods for people to get through the holidays with minimal child loss . We've really come a long way in our understanding of how children disappear over the holidays and how to prevent it . Of course , the safest method is signing your kids up for a Chimney Kids Playhouse vacation .
The Chimney Kids Playhouse can always use your children to take part in the exciting tradition of keeping Triton heated through the snowfall .
Tours are only six years , so you'll have your child back in no time , and the Chimney Kids Playhouse has a shocking 95% child retention rate , meaning that it is by far the best way to ensure your child does not go missing .
Help the community and keep track of your children . What a deal , it sure is Dale .
Now , this isn't an option for everyone , depending on the size , stamina , lung capacity and age of the child , so there are some other ways to keep your children through the holidays . Um , this is a personal favorite here .
I'm really excited to hear about it , Doc .
Well , children love holiday tradition , especially fun little rituals that can be like little games for the holidays . You've heard of Elf on a Shelf , right Dale , Of course , who has . Well , let me tell you about Child in the Closet .
Sounds like a real good time for the bunch kids .
It is indeed , believe it or not , one of the most common holiday traditions stems from this very problem . You've heard of stocking stuffers . Yes , of course . Right . Well , the etymological origin of stocking stuffer is stock room stuffing .
Oh , I see , Thanks for the education here .
Doc Right , this tradition stuffing children in a stock room to keep them over the holidays has been updated to a more modern Child in the Closet , which is a more festive spin on the old practice . You can decorate your closet with all sorts of fun ornaments , maybe even some snacks and treats .
Make it extra special by adding some colorful lights , which will make your Christmas-themed closet safe and festive . I love it , doc . Speaking of lights , the next method is yet another ancient Yule tradition Cover your home in bright lights from all angles for the duration of the snowfall .
You can , of course , make these colorful , but the important part is to make sure absolutely no shadows touch your home . I mean , that's just good sense , of course , but it's especially important for people who want to keep their children for the holidays . You could add motion-activated alarms for extra protection .
It will keep your children from being lured away and do double duty by ensuring nothing can get close enough to your home to snatch them .
So hold up , Doc . You're saying that putting lights out is another holiday tradition that's rooted in ancient child-keeping tactics .
I am . In fact , almost all holiday tradition can be tracked back to that very simple question how do I keep my children for the holidays ? I didn't know that , doc . That's remarkable . For instance , yule could be a difficult time , obviously , to keep your children , but specifically on December 25th it tends to be the apex of celebration for some .
Tritonis Lights , closets , alarms all of these things can be ineffectual on this day when the Yule energy seems to peak , but a great way to alleviate the pressure on your home security is a simple act of leaving out a tray of brightly colored edible biscuits in a manner that's easily accessible . Most commonly , one would do this in their sitting room .
Well , I love .
Christmas cookies , doc , as do I , but these cookies are for business , not for pleasure .
Alright , I think I got it . This is those cookies .
We've found , for whatever reason , that homes that leave out these brightly colored edible object cookies , as you called them have a much higher rate of child retention Sounds an awful lot like a sacrifice , if you ask me . Oh , technically it's an offering .
But very astute Dale , we've been doing extensive sacrifice testing this year , hopefully expanding on our understanding of keeping your children over the holidays .
Well , Dak , that's about all the time we have for today . Any parting advice ?
Uh , no , thank you , dale , for having me Just remember . None of these safety measures are perfect , but with some attention and doing them all together , they can be fairly effective .
Gives me some hope , for sure , dak .
Oh , just remember . I hope it goes without saying , I know it's obvious , so please excuse my nagging , but please , everyone remember , do not approach the nativity scene in front of the Tritown City Council chambers . Do not make any eye contact with any of the nativity figures .
Honestly , just avoid the chambers all together for the remainder of Yule if you're able to , but under no circumstance should anyone approach the nativity scene in front of the Tritown City Council .
Well , of course , dak , I think that goes without saying , but reminders are always good . Well , folks , that was Taking Safety Seriously with Dr Daniel Leeds , and that's all for our show this week .
That's right . Thank you , dale and Dr Daniel Leeds . This has been Everything Matters . Thank you for listening . We'll see you soon and remember it's all real , it all matters and it never ends . Now a parting word from Intern Todd .
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters . This is Intern Todd .
¶ Growing Homebrew Network Review Request
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