¶ Introduction
So the trick is to dig a vertical hole . Vertical Right and obvious rectangle shapes are just gonna be more suspicious .
Wow , Dale , you really thought of everything .
Also , you should bury a carcass of a dog or a cat or some kind of pet a couple of feet above it . That way , if a dog sniffs it and they excavate it , they'll find uh , oh , uh , red light Dale . Oh , alright , mike . Uh , we'll get to this later on with the show .
Good morning Tritown . I'm Michael Tor and I'm Dale Dallas , and this is Everything Matters . Good morning Tritown . Happy to be back once again with some whispers from the old world and stories from the new Hope . You're all sleeping peacefully , dale , how you doing today .
Not too great , mike . Honestly , I haven't looked at a mirror for an unconfirmed amount of time and I'm really starting to feel a little dissociated .
Well , I will tell you , Dale , I think you look great . Wow , mike , that means a lot to me . Anytime , dale ,
¶ NEWS ALERT: MARITIME WARNING
hello and welcome to the new video Residence . This is a news alert from Tritown updating you on the mysterious vessel off the Moonhaven coast . It seems the light and movement has ceased , although now the vessel is sounding some type of strange foghorn .
Residents report the loud , disruptive noise has been sounding for nearly three days straight , leading to quite a few residential complaints . The Tritown City Council has announced that they will begin to play music over the PA system to assist with this nuisance On the scene now . Intern Todd .
Hey , Mike . Wow , thanks for letting me go out on scene . That this is huge .
No problem , tim , it sounds a little crazy out there .
Oh yeah , people are going crazy . Mike , it's really loud .
And that music is not helping at all .
Not even a little bit , Mike .
So has there been any developments in attempts to breach the vessel ?
Well , there have been a few attempts , but it's super strange . It seems to go further away the closer you get to it , but there's no movement on the ship at all . It doesn't even seem to be disturbing the water around it . And look at this , mike .
Okay , listeners . Todd is now showing me the vessel . It looks to be some type of small cargo or perhaps a fishing vessel . The screen's a bit grainy , Todd . What am I looking at ?
Well , watch the seagull Mike .
Okay , all right . I see a bird flying towards the vessel . It's a little hard to describe how this looks , because the bird and the vessel appear to be moving away . Even though the bird is clearly getting closer to the vessel , it appears it's about to fly right over the ship . And oh , oh , wow , todd , it just fell right out of the sky .
Yeah , creepy , isn't it ? Well , tom , it's Todd . That's what I said . I literally cannot stand this sound for one more moment , but thank you for all of your hard work getting the story on the ground level . There you have it , folks . More news from Tritown . Stay tuned while we bring you all the latest from the Moonhaven Maritime Authority .
¶ Tri Town Bulliten Board
It's time for the Tritown Bulletin Board brought to you by Cox Energy .
In an Earth Shattering experiment . Scientists claim they have given gravity a 1% boost . Now Tritown is grappling with this event and the gravity of the situation is just sinking it . Stay tuned as we weigh the implications .
I knew there was something wrong about my scale this morning , dale . The Tritown Neighborhood Watch asks all residents to take special care to knock down any spider webs built across walkways , sidewalks or trails . Do your part in the psychological war Tritown wages against arachnids .
Knocking down these misplaced webs sends a clear message Not here spiders , we really don't need them trying to catch people . We'd make such good allies if they would just stick to the pests .
Local chef launches gourmet birdseed line . Pop culture legend and guerrilla gastronomist Amavis Davis leaves a new recipe at local dining spot Bistro Deluxe . Patrons aren't quite sure what to make of this new dish . Mike , the writer of the establishment , sidney Doddison , has had the recipe authenticated by local Amavis Davis expert and collector Scott Cooper .
Scott claims this is indeed a new , authentic Amavis Davis original .
What do you think Amavis Davis' true identity is Dale ?
Well , to be honest , Mike , I like the theories that Scott Cooper himself .
That would be quite the twist . I've always thought Amavis Davis doesn't exist at all and it's just a brilliant Marie's stew marketing stunt . She's just always so shrewd with those campaigns . She is quite shrewd . A new spinal center has opened in Pine Bridge . Are you , or a loved one , struggling with back pain ?
Has daily life become filled with aches and discomfort ? Well , tritown , there's a warm light at the end of your pain tunnel , introducing the Pine Bridge Spinal Center , your source for new or gently used spines .
From personal experience I can say the refurbished models are just as good as the new Chilling Crisis Under the Sea . Researchers in nearby Deep Sea Lab claim to have been stuck awake throughout the blackout .
After being cut off from Tritown for so long and consuming all their rations , they were left stranded with nothing left to eat but freeze-dried sardine ice cream . Due to a series of unfortunate typos and misunderstandings , the first resupply to the Deep Sea Lab was several boxes of freeze-dried sardine ice cream .
Based on my personal experience with Todd I bet there was an intern reading the correspondence . Interns aren't so bad like Todd's pretty terrible . The post-blackout return to normalcy continues . Open Mic Night is back . That's right . Open Mic Night has returned . Join us this Wednesday midnight at the Threadington Community Center .
The Threadington Autopsy Club requests everyone brings a beverage or small dish to share .
Hey , are you heading down there this time ?
Mike , I never do . Dale , this has been the Tritown Bulletin Port brought to you by Cox Energy . It only takes one screw being in of a lightbulb for Cox to become your preference too .
¶ Pumpkin Milking with Jeb Marshal
To kick off today's Everything Matters , I take a walk in the park with Jeb Marshall and learn about some of Tritown's strange wildlife . Apparently it's that time of year again . The greenery in the Threadington Nature Preservation Park is turning strange hues of red , orange and yellow . There's a crisp chill in the air and a promise of a cold , dark winter ahead .
There's many names for these times Quarter three , end of the fiscal year , back to school . But here in the Threadington Nature Park they know it by another name Harvest . I make the trip down to Threadington Nature Preservation Park to meet Park Ranger Jeb Marshall . I had a simple quest to learn more about this strange old-world substance known as milk .
Apparently , during harvest there's a strange orange organism that is milked and drained of a precious resource available all throughout Tritown . You probably know of it as pumpkin spice , but you would be as surprised as I was to learn it's not made in a factory , mixed in a lab or squeezed from a flavor packet .
Pumpkin spice is a naturally occurring substance harvested from this strange orange , bulbous organism known as a pumpkin .
Well , howdy there , Mike Nice of you to come on out of your tower .
Good to see you , Jeb , Excited to learn about some pumpkin milking . It's clear from watching park ranger Jeb Marshall and listening to him speak with a calm reverence for nature that he takes pumpkin milking very seriously .
So first things first . Pumpkins are most active at dusk , so the best time to go on a pumpkin hunt is right around 4 or 5 am . Now during the day like this is fine , where some luck will find a couple , but it can be a little more difficult . What exactly are we looking for , Jeb ? You see , pumpkins are big , bulbous and known for their orange color .
Any other time of year they'd stand out like a fish on a bicycle , but this time of year , the colors of the park change and provide them with some fairly effective camouflage .
Wow , how many pumpkins have you seen ?
Jeb oh hundreds easy , maybe even thousands . Wow , most of you town people don't come out of the park much anyway , but the Spicers and folks like me see them quite regularly this time of year .
Now you're gonna need these earplugs . Oh , what are these for , Jeb ?
The screaming could get a might be unsettling for the uninitiated .
Once we had some warm clothes and some more somber warnings from Jeb on park safety , we set out to the Threadington Nature Preservation Park . There was quite a pleasant gentle wind and the colors were quite beautiful . After a brief walk , jeb stopped us . Alright , now you see , right there .
Yeah .
Jeb I see it .
This here's a pumpkin vine . It's still a little warm . Leaves are green , probably seen use in the last few days or so . We're close .
Jeb motions for me to stop and I watch as quietly as possible as Jeb inspects the tracks . You could tell he was really tuning in to every smell and sound of the park . He was completely silent as he moved expertly from tree to tree . I realized if I hadn't already seen him , I'd have no idea he was nearby .
After a few minutes of inspection , Jeb motions for me to come up beside him .
Alright , now you see , there Underneath that pine my goodness , I think I do . Yeah , right next to the brush , yeah , alright . Now the trick is to sneak up behind him . You got to straddle him and hold on to that brown bit on the top layer that's called the stem . Go ahead , get your earplugs ready .
I watch while park ranger Jeb Marshall quietly sneaks up to the pine he pointed out and all at once , with surprising speed , jeb left toward the tree . There was a flurry of movement and Jeb disappeared into the brush . Through the earplugs I heard the most incredibly unsettling screams , albeit and luckily very muted .
I ran ahead to try and get a better view and watch while Jeb demonstrated his technique Legs straddling the pumpkin , both hands secured around the brown horn at the top . He called the stem . The scene looked like a cigarette ad from an old magazine where a cowboy was riding a large horned creature trying to buck him off .
After about ten minutes of this wild show , it started to slow and Jeb finally called out to me . I ran up to the pumpkin , now docile and seemingly exhausted , beneath park ranger Jeb Marshall . You could tell he had a practiced hand as he carefully maneuvered around the bulbous curves of its orange flesh .
Alright , now . This next part is locating the teat on this fine specimen , which can be a little difficult as the location varies from creature to creature . Alright , come here now , you little fella . Alright , oopsie daisy . Oh , here we go . Now come on over here , mike .
Uh , okay , I'm a little nervous , jeb .
Ah , don't be this pumpkin's right tuckered out in docile . Now grab this part , right ? No , not like that , between your fingers , massaging a bit . Right Now , you're gonna squeeze and pull , just like that , right , exactly . Keep it up , gentle . Now , gentle , don't need to get so rough . There it is , there it is .
Oh , my goodness , I did it . What a smell , jeb , that's just divine .
The townspeople go crazy for this stuff , mike .
I can see why , and this doesn't hurt the pumpkin at all .
Oh no , no , no , no . Milk and a pumpkin is just as good for it as it is for us .
Doesn't hurt at all . Jeb , can I have a taste ?
Absolutely . Just put your mouth right on there , it'll be fine .
This is delicious , Jeb . I see now what all the craze is for milk yeah yeah , yeah .
Well , this is one type of milk , probably not the type you're thinking of , but , believe it or not , all kinds of creatures can produce milk . Wow .
Jeb , you are a fount of knowledge .
Well , I do have some better , sweet and somber news . What's that , jeb ? Well , I was just double checking and I did some measurements while you , you know , took care of business there , and this here beautiful creature is as big as we can allow pumpkins to get for the good of the park and its neighbors . We're gonna have to put this one down .
Oh , ah , nature . How big did they get , jeb ?
Well , I don't really know what the limit is to shoot straight , but they really do start to become a danger to themselves and others around this size here . But the good news is the flesh can also be harvested and it makes a hell of a pie . We like to honor the pumpkin and use every part .
That's beautiful Park , Ranger Jeb .
Now you go on and get . If you can find your way back , I'll make sure Slash gets back to you .
And that , find Denizens of Tritown , is a story of how I learned both where pumpkin spice comes from and what this mysterious milking is all about . Next time you're enjoying your pumpkin spice , remember the pumpkin and maybe even make some time to visit the Threadington Nature Preservation Park and see one for yourselves .
Park Ranger Jeb Marshall is a trained expert , and all acts for this segment were done under his watchful supervision . Please do not try this at home .
Well , listeners , I can assure you that pie was excellent . Now a word from our sponsors over at Elkhorp .
¶ The Home of Tomorrow
Welcome , dear friends , to the home of tomorrow presented by El Corp . Step inside a world of enchantment where the ordinary becomes extraordinary and your every wish is our command , introducing our delightful household helpers , eager to assist in ways you never imagined .
Moving silently through your home , their inscrutable AI knows exactly what needs to be done , even when you don't , adding just a touch of magic to your daily life . The living room of tomorrow A fusion of cutting-edge technology with moon-age design and unmatched comfort .
Smart , energy-efficient windows produce natural light to flood in during the day , while intelligent lighting systems create unnatural light .
The perfect ambiance for any occasion , blurring the lines between what's inside and out , featuring immersive wall-sized displays serving as both the entertainment center and a virtual window to the world , offering breathtaking views and interactive experiences .
Smart , adaptable furniture seamlessly transforms to suit any occupants' needs , from a cozy family movie night to a productive , remote work environment . And , as mentioned , artificial intelligence orchestrates the lighting and also climate control and entertainment , optimizing comfort and energy usage .
The intelligent climate control system may , on occasion , manifest irregularities , thereby giving rise to temporary temperature fluctuations . It is advisable for users to exercise due diligence in monitoring and addressing such appearances , as they acknowledge risks inherent to the system's functionality .
But please don't let this minor hiccup concern you . It's more like Mother Nature having a momentary lapse in judgment . Our AI systems work tirelessly to rectify these issues , ensuring that your comfort remains top priority . Over here we find the kitchen . Why , yes , the kitchen of tomorrow is a marvel of innovation and convenience .
The appliances sometimes emit strange , discordant sounds as they communicate in a language of their own to make cooking a breeze . Intelligent refrigerators with inventory management systems help reduce food waste , while AI-powered cooking assistants provide personalized recipe suggestions and step-by-step guidance .
Sustainable practices will take center stage , with integrated composting systems and energy efficient appliances , all promoting eco-friendliness . Countertops double as a cooking surface and 3D printers create culinary masterpieces with precision .
As always , the kitchen fosters a sense of community , with virtual cooking classes and social cooking experiences , bringing people together across the globe .
The automated locking mechanism implemented on the pantry and refrigerator doors may on occasion experience minor operational disruptions resulting in a brief delay in user access .
The manufacturer and or distributor display many liability for the temporary access to leaves arising from these intermittent occurrences Are we going to let a mild inconvenience and some robotic chatter spoil the fun of cooking in this futuristic space ?
I don't think so . Now we take a trip to the far side of the home , to the indoor garden . Behold a green paradise , enhancing air quality and providing fresh produce year-round . Automated hydroponic and vertical gardening systems make growing herbs , vegetables and even fruit an effortless endeavor .
Smart sensors monitor plant health and adjust light , nutrients and humidity accordingly , ensuring a thriving indoor ecosystem that brings nature into our daily lives . Together , these spaces redefine comfort , efficiency and sustainability in the modern home .
The sensors deployed within the garden may intermittently undergo minor operational perturbations , giving rise to subtle variances in the garden's environmental conditions .
Come on now . Let's not make a mountain out of a mole hill . These are little quirks , hardly a big deal , some might say . They add a touch of unpredictability to an otherwise perfectly controlled environment , while the home of tomorrow is a marvel of modern living .
It is incumbent upon us to address a matter of significant import . A matter , though exceedingly infrequent , requires our utmost attention and caution . In the rarest of instances , a critical system malfunction can occur , resulting in a temporary loss of control over the home's automated features .
During such an event , occupants may experience disruptions in lighting , climate control , security and even potential delays in accessing essential areas like the laboratory , kitchen or even the egress to the external environment .
It is imperative to underscore that the aforementioned anomaly represents exceedingly rare at a typical event and has been subjected to rigorous scrutiny within our safety procedures . Our specialized team of technicians is suitably prepared to completely address any such contingency , thereby guaranteeing the welfare and security of all inhabitants .
It should be acknowledged that the home of tomorrow has been architected with multi-tiered redundancy framework and failsafe mechanisms , particularly as the environment should be mitigated like the order of these exceptional circumstances .
Nevertheless , we find it rude to appraise the potential buyers of the infrequent , albeit potentially consequential , matter and reassure them of our unwavering commitment to ensure their safety and contentment through all available means .
In conclusion , the Home of Tomorrow offers a vision of living that seamlessly merges cutting-edge technology with sustainability and comfort . While we've highlighted some minor issues with its automated systems , these are truly insignificant in comparison with the transformative benefits it brings to your daily life .
With the Home of Tomorrow , you're not just purchasing a house . You're investing in a future where your well-being , convenience and connection to the community takes center stage . The Home of Tomorrow is not just a purchase . It's an opportunity to embrace a more sustainable and connected way of living , where technology enhances , not hinders , your daily routines .
So step into the future today and experience the safe , harmonious and worthwhile lifestyle the Home of Tomorrow has to offer .
¶ Outro Matters
Well , that was everything matters . Remember , try town . The post-Blackout Grace period is coming to an end and the census will begin next week . Please ensure you've located all pets , persons and loved ones in preparation for the census . Be prepared to report any anomalies . A good neighbor is a watchful neighbor and a new neighbor is a suspicious neighbor .
I wish you all the best of luck in the days ahead . Intern Todd is panicking again . Dale .
You know , I still think that's just his face , Mike .
Uh , unlikely , he appears to be pointing to some more papers . He slipped below the door . Oh , looks like we have some more notes from the beautiful Tritownese .
Uh , first up we have this one from the Dragon Hermit . Congrats to Cobb for winning the lottery . Again , thank you to Dr Leeds for the safety talks . I may or may not have misplaced my protocol books , so , as always , great tips . I always look forward to Mike and Dale to know if it's safe to go outside and to know what's going on around Tritown .
Thank you , Dragon Hermit . This one's from Sketchy Squirrel Marie does it again . These tips are fantastic , but my friends and I under the bluffs are waiting to see if that deer will ever share her mother's recipe for those delightful yellow cake bomb pops .
I think you'll have to pry that with a brick , cold dead hand . Mr Sketch , mr Squirrel , this one's from AdRail over at Cox Energy . Thank you , mike and Dale , for being there for everyone after the blackout . We love listening to your show while changing the spend fuel rods from the reactor .
It's always funny when the new guy starts laughing and accidentally drops the sphere from the core and we get to spend a few weeks mopping up the puddles .
Well that woke legal up . I'm getting some strange gestures , Dale , will you get legal back to sleep ? This is from Klaus Hans . Hey , Mike and Dale writing in to say thanks for the reminder to recycle my used blood bags . I had a pile of them building up at the front door and almost threw them down the chute . What a grave mistake that would have been .
May algorithm . God bless this Tritown Looking forward to the next broadcast , as am I .
You gotta recycle those blood bags . The recycling's good for the community .
Very good for the community . Indeed , this has been . Everything Matters , remember everything's real , it all matters , and Mike , we got a caller . Oh , okay , I guess we have a little time left here .
Hello this is Harvey Nelson broadcasting on our channel , If you can hear me ?
Hello , caller , welcome to Everything Matters what news from Tritown ? Hello , come in . I can hear you , caller . Oh my God , I haven't heard another voice in . Oh , sorry about that . Folks Seems like Todd . Please don't hang up . I have just a question . Okay , caller , before your question , if you could please identify yourself and your police of residence ?
I'm Harvey Nelson .
I'm looking for my wife , sarah Nelson , and I live in Indianapolis , todd .
Sorry about that , folks . As I was saying , it's all real , everything Matters and it never ends . We'll see you next week .
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters . This is intern Todd .
¶ Review and Support Everything Matters Podcast
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