¶ Introduction
Bobby Banana battle the battalion of bouncing bubblebeats . Bobby Banana , bobby Banana , mike , you're not supposed to do that . It's bad for the vocal cords . You're not supposed to do that , mike .
Terrifying tentacles twist tween the tombstones tightly . Terrifying tentacles twist tween the tombstones tightly .
The bulbous walrus . The bulbous walrus . The bulbous walrus is back . Oh , looks like the red lights . Back , mike , we gotta get to broadcasting .
Good morning Tritown . I'm Michael Taur and I'm Dale Dallas and this is Everything Matters , flying high on the airwaves over Moon Haven , pine Bridge and Threadington . Wishing everyone in the Tritown area another happy and hydrated day in this stable era . If you can hear us , the lines are open . We are taking callers Lots of fresh calls lately , mike . That's right .
Dale , seems like Tritown has really started to return to normalcy .
Well , I wish more of them would actually talk to us . The heavy breathing is really coming up the lines .
I'll get Todd right on that , Dale . Get those screened for you . I appreciate it , Mike .
¶ NEWS ALERT: MARITIME WARNING
This just in Special notice from the Moonhaven Maritime Authority . A vessel has been spotted approximately two miles off the coast of Moonhaven . While the boat is showing visible movement on board and is illuminated with the occasional light , it has not responded to multiple hails .
Attempts to approach the vessel have proven fruitless , as the vessel seems to get further and further away the closer the Moonhaven Maritime Authority gets to it . The vessel appears to be about 100 meters in length .
What exactly is a meter ? Again , Mike .
I don't know Dale and had a red stripe running the length vertically . The lights have been of various colors and do not seem to follow a pattern of movement . Attempts to hail the vessel include VHF light signals and ESP . All have failed . All vessels in the vicinity of Moonhaven are advised to exercise caution and consider docking .
The earners are requested to report any additional observations or interactions with the vessel to the Moonhaven Maritime Authority immediately . Any vessel with communication capabilities is encouraged to continue hailing the unidentified boat and report any responses .
Stay safe Moonhaven .
That's exactly right , Dale .
I can't believe the ESP didn't work .
¶ Tri Town Bulliten Board
It's time for the Tritown Boltonport brought to you by Cox Energy .
This just in you can teach a man to fish and give him a fish . Ancient Curse .
Awakens . Nightmare's visions have been reported all over the Tritown area .
But amid all the confusion , one local pie-bridge celebrity and winner of favorite grandmother award suggests a try to true remedy Brew a pot of chamomile tea before bedtime and add just a pinch of grout mummy dust from your pantry and your nightmares will be a thing of the past in no time flat . In other news , the town's mummy supply is running dangerously low .
I've been sitting on the mail order resupply for far too long . We all know that surprises aren't always a good thing , especially for everyone who's just waking up . There can be any number of unexpected household appliance failures , pests or other hazards .
In response , the Tritown City Council is happy to announce that poison control , hazardous waste and explosives defusal hotline has been reopened . Just dial 221 and select . Help Me , I'm having trouble waking up from the available prompts .
Yeah , all my gadgets are on the fritz right now , mike . It is literally driving me insane . Fish with human-like faces spotted local pond are mutations on the rise . Local scientists are truly floundering to explain this .
One Seems these fish have decided to give evolution a finny-do-twist , but the terrifying expressions of their uncannily human faces suggest something far more threatening lurking just beneath the surface .
Subs fishy-dale . Did you wake up to a life-like stuffed dog , deer or other creature in or outside of your home ? An important notice from the Pine Bridge Constabulary Chief of Police , bradley Stockhart , is offering a reward for information on any unauthorized taxidermy .
Yeah , that happened to me , Mike . I was just getting around for the broadcast and I saw my wife standing out in the yard , but thankfully she was just taxidermy , that's terrifying Dale . In other news . Tritown celebrates National Sadness Day with tears of joy , as citizens all over the region gather to commemorate a day of unexplainable elation and happiness .
People all over town are just happy to be sad , Mike .
We will cheer up all those terrified fish Dale . We can only hope Marie Stew's canned goods announces a new flavor From the culinary minds that brought you teriyaki barbecue and original flavored canned meat . Now comes the latest development in shelf-stocking splendor Mystery bags . That's right , mixed pleasure with nourishment with Marie Stew's mystery bags .
Surprise , it's Marie Stew's canned meat . Your whole family will love tearing into these sensibly packaged and calorie-rich meals .
You know , Mike , original is my favorite . I don't know why everyone always gives me so much guff about it , but I say , give me that original meat .
This has been the Tritown Bulletin Board brought to you by Cox Energy . If you've had enough of those flimsy , flaccid copper wires dangling around your home , call your partner right now and tell them I want Cox Energy . On today's Everything Matters , dale Dallas hits the streets and asks locals about the new moving picture Galactic Frontier .
In a brand new chapter of Out and About Around Tritown , I meet with grocer and mining expert Linda Kiley To kick it all off . A brand new chapter
¶ Vera Noir: Private Eye
of Vera Noir Private Eye . In the shadows of a city draped in secrets , there's one woman who dares uncover the truth . A dame with eyes as sharp as her whip and a heart that's seen its share of hurt . A big heart that falls easily but drives her to seek justice in a world that looks the other way .
This is Varun War Private Eye .
The city was weeping , dark rain covering the streets . I was alone for the night , finally , just me myself . Two fingers and a half handled koheba . I was about to put on a record when my office door creaked open and I heard footsteps . Are you the ? Private Eye he asked what's it say on the door ? I thought . But what I said was that's me . What's eating ?
Ya , my wife Lila Gross , I thought , but he kept on before I could crack wise . She's gone missing . I need your help . Missing dames are a dime a dozen in this city . Something about the sound of his voice , all sad like that , got me to look up into these deep oceans of blue eyes .
He was tall and lean , as every subtle movement was graceful , deliberate , like a slow dance . Only he knew the steps to His suit perfectly tailored , whispered of elegance , and the way it hugged his frame made it clear he was no stranger to physical pursuits . Dark , wavy hair framed a face with a strong jaw , softened by the gentle curve of his lips .
I realized I had started sweating . I cleared my throat and did my best to stop imagining him pushing all the files off my desk , shoving my paperweight down my throat . He handed over a photograph . On the back it just said Lila . When I flipped it over , my heart almost stopped . This was a photo of the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen .
Her legs seemed to go on forever , ending in heels . I wished she'd used to gouge my eyes out . She had thighs like fleshy , moist tree trunks and I couldn't help but imagine her squishing my silly little squirrel head . Between them . She was all curves , as geometrically impossible as she was beautiful . But that wasn't the most intoxicating part .
Her eyes , those deep blue oceans of love and loss . I kept on a poker face but my lips were about to betray me with a single word Mommy . But luckily the man spoke first . Find her Money's no object , money talks . I managed between weasers . I hit the streets , starting with the blue parrot . Lila was known to frequent that joint . Talk to the barkeep .
Lila , yeah , she was here a few nights ago , left with some tall fella . The plot thickened like the fog outside . She's here just about every Thursday . It's bridge night . It was Tuesday , so I only had a couple of days to wait for the next bridge night . When Thursday rolled around , I posted up in my beater and put the seat back .
Lo started to work through a few packs of cigarettes and an old tuna fish . Sure enough , guess who showed Lila ? She was talking to the bartender . When I stepped in . He nodded toward me and she headed out the back in a hurry . I followed , of course . The back door led to an alleyway .
It was raining again and Lila somehow managed to look even more breathtaking in the pouring rain . That's when I heard who the hell are you ? I turned from Lila to see the most beautiful creature my eyes had ever taken in . It was a pudgy fella . He had the type of belly you'd curl up on in front of a fireplace , naked on bearskin .
I was sure from the way he stood he could barbecue one hell of a hamburger patty Type of burger that make you do things . The bulge in his couple of sizes , two small dad jeans , seemed to pulse . With my quickening heartbeat I wanted him to crack me open like a cold one , but I realized I had started to drool . Quickly shut my mouth .
That's my wife , he said .
That's a wrap for this week . Who is this Joker accosting Vera in the alleyway ? What's Lila's secret ? Stay tuned and find out on the next Vera Noir Private Eye .
¶ Galactic Frontier Movie Review
Hello there Tritout . I'm Dale Dallas and welcome to Sidewalk Spotlights . Today we're standing right outside the bustling Tritout multiplex where we just caught a sensational screening of the new film Galactic Frontier . The anticipation is palpable and we're eagerly waiting to hear from moviegoers about their thoughts on this epic space adventure .
Excuse me , sir , Sir , what did you think of ?
the film , I don't know . You know , it kind of made me uneasy . The aliens in the movie were just so advanced and benevolent and it made me wonder if they were setting an impossibly high standard for my life , and how am I supposed to live up to that standard ?
You know , I think I have to agree with you on that one . Thank you very much for the insights . Pardon me miss what did you think of the film ?
I'm just really concerned about this film's accuracy . What if it's a deliberate misrepresentation of aliens to distract us from real extraterrestrial activity ? I mean , who's fact checking these frickin' filmmakers ? I can't help but worry that that movie was an elaborate cover-up for actual alien encounters .
Or what if all those UFO sightings were just publicity stunts for this film ? I'm not sure what to believe anymore .
Interesting take . Thanks anyway . You , sir , can you sum up the film ? For me it was like having sex with ET , you know . You know . You know how some movies have hidden Easter eggs For like fans to find . Well , this one hid an Easter egg in my butt . Well , things are starting to get pretty lively out here in the Tritown Multiplex .
I think that's about enough for this segment . I'm Dale Dallas and next is Michael Tore . Without a bow , trite out .
¶ Exploring Underground Tunnels With Linda Kali
On this episode of Out and About Tritown . I'm visiting Threadington Grocer Linda Kali to dive deep into the world of holes . Hi , linda .
Yeah , hi .
The Egyptians had their pyramids , china had their great wall , america had their shopping malls and the reunited peoples had their containment facilities . Linda from Threadington has a complex underground tunnel system under her home . Humans have always been fascinated by what lies beneath . Linda takes that to a whole other level , a lower level .
Tell everyone a little bit about yourself , linda .
My name is Linda Kali and I have been building a tunnel system under my home for the last 13 years .
How does one go about starting to build a tunnel system under their home ?
Well , mike , as time has gone on , I've found I spend more and more time in my bunker office instead of my home . And the more I spent in my bunker office , the more I started craving to know what lay below it .
After a couple nights of sleeping here , I made up my mind I was going to create an underground tunnel system below my home 13 years ago I woke up at exactly 3.33 am , knowing the location of a cache of power tools hidden by my great grandmother . I dug them up and immediately started cutting and opening through the reinforced concrete .
When the hole was large enough for a human body , I started to carve through the solid rock at about a 30-degree angle .
What did you do with all of the excavated rock and dirt ?
I fabricated a mine cart system out of wheelbarrows and wire , the thick cox energy stuff . Nice , I was moving a thousand pounds of dirt and stone a day . I enjoyed digging so much at first I lost track of time . I found myself digging for long periods of time . My family became concerned for my health . Six years ago my husband left me and took my children .
This is a fine tunnel , linda . You've made stairs . Looks like you've run lights , all of these cute runes on the walls . Oh , is this a little bench you've carved here ?
I'm not sure . I think it might be an altar .
Linda had gone very deep . I couldn't help but be impressed , as I lost track of how long I had been following her . The sprawling tunnel system below her home seemed to go deeper and deeper .
So around here I started to have some issues with leakage , so I dug a pit to help drain it and made this custom drainage pipe system , and I have been pumping this out behind the grocery store .
What exactly is this liquid , Linda ?
I'm not sure , but I can tell you one thing Don't drop your keys in it . So we're getting near the end Around here . I started setting up ventilation and needed to reinforce the walls . I've used hundreds and hundreds of cinder blocks and started mixing my own concrete .
This is quite impressive . It is starting to get pretty hot , though . How deep would you say we are right now , Linda ?
I think we're at least a thousand meters underground .
There was that word again Meters . I just kept hearing about them .
I don't know how much longer I have to go , I just know I need to keep digging .
Unnoble pursuit , Linda . How have you been managing the grocery store while doing all of this ?
I haven't worked at the grocery store in 13 years .
Um , there's absolutely a Linda at the Thredington Grocery Store . I spoke with her yesterday scheduling this interview .
Oh , that's not me .
They let you pump the liquids behind the grocery store , though Still , uh right , linda , what's that noise we keep hearing ?
What noise ?
It's uh , grummy Whispers maybe . Maybe it's just wind Are you , Linda ?
are you feeling all ?
right , linda , linda . Well , there you have it , folks . Another heartwarming story from a hard-working Tritown-y , a reminder that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination . I wish Linda all the best in her destiny to dig . This has been Michael Thor , and another chapter of Out and About Tritown .
¶ Outro Matters
Well , dale , that felt good . Good indeed , mike , it's good to be back . In turn . Todd has been sliding these papers under the door the whole program . And now he is frantically waving at me , but I think that's just a normal wave , mike , then why does he look so frantic , dale ?
I think that's just how he looks , mike .
Oh , this looks like some feedback from the beautiful folks from Tritown via route of something called Apple Podcasts . Oh nice , let's see what we have here . Dana says thanks to Mike and Dale for their segment with Park Ranger Jeb Marshall .
I now feel 100% confident that I can navigate the grand orchestra of the Mesa Trails With a snake kid in hand and the knowledge of how to use it . I set my sight on conquering my fear of snakes . Much thanks from Dana .
Be safe out there . Dana , Don't buy any ticket-study reptilian cardinals . Here's another one . This one's from Nathan . I'll keep this brief as I'm already over my online compliments quota for the month , but it's great to have Mike and Dale back on the air after the blackout .
It really fills a void in my ever-consuming chest cavity that I've really been looking to scratch . An inch that's finally filled . Their voices are so intelligent . Their commentary is very soothing Just what I needed my day . Michael and Dale , wonderful to have you back in my head .
How eloquent , nathan . Thank you so much . This next one's from Noah . Just gotta say loving the show . You too are my favorite newscasters . Can't stay for long , as I'm just about to try and assert my dominance in the mirror . Wish me luck .
Good luck , noah . I recommend just covering the dang thing . This one's from Zinsetsu . Is that how you say that , zinsetsu ? Good enough , dale . The blackout is finally over . Great to hear your voices again . Mike and Dale . Hope you both stayed safe during the blackout , especially Dale , since I heard you scored a six on the mirror safety test .
I'll have to make sure to stock up on more Cox energy before the next blackout comes around . Almost ran out this time .
Well , I love Cox as much as the next guy , but I don't know how you'd run out of that . There are quite a few papers here , so we'll read more next week . In just a moment you'll hear from intern Todd on how to get your feedback on Everything Matters . Thank you , listeners , for tuning in and remember it's all real , everything matters and it never ends .
This program would not be possible without the support of listeners like you . Special thanks to the Waking Up team . That French guy , spaz Varen , summer Seatown , jeremy Zann , fred Grouchs , max did with an explanation point .
Sleepy Elf , known Ironbeard , keith the true paradox , orderhouse Excalibur , daniel Forrest , some nerd , scion Fate , that one joke guy , the rogue writer , twin Zip , calyx , cord Faith , sketchy Squirrel , ren Wolf , adrian Samoth , the Dreamweaver , lassius Verts , the Frisky Sloth , loomy Darkmoon , tobio Dre , andy Hustlost , hope Eretach , the Jill Pineapple , noah's Ark , adrail
the Dragon , hermit , scion Fate , ken V or Ken V , I don't know . Ken McCliver believe that's a typo . Ken Lins , e Brass , joker , joe 2.0 , papa Fenn , just happy to be here . Elf Shade , jesse Klaus , hans and the Ace of Spades . That was the Everything Matters Waking Up Team . Thank you for all of your support launching the show .
Now a word for Intern Todd .
Thanks for listening to Everything Matters . This is Intern Todd . Everything Matters is a part of the Homebrew Network . If you're listening from the 21st century , you could really help us grow by leaving us a review on Spotify and Apple podcasts . The algorithm god hungers greatly and saving him can be a full-time job , so leave us a review on Spotify and Apple .
If you leave a review as a resident of Tritown , without breaking the fourth wall , dale and Mike might read your review on the show . Just make sure you don't , you know , give anything away that you're from the 21st century or that could really , you know , break Mike and Dale's minds . Yeah , links are at EverythingMattersPodcom .
If you're listening from the 22nd and 24th century , you can review us on Musknet in exchange for one kudo . 25th to 29th century please get off the internet immediately . Using the internet poses a public safety hazard . All other centuries . Call 1-800-MATTERS if it is safe to do so . Again , that's EverythingMattersPodcom .