Chef's Kiss

So when Lucy met Tony, it was well and truly in the old fashioned way.

like very mutual. He was a year older than me, but he was also an apprenticeship, so we kind of clicked over that and talked about chefing and stuff and yeah, and that night we just went out and just it was just on. It was really cool, just like that he was like, um, like any man I'd ever met before. He was just we would talk light and dark, deep, and you know, he was really funny and witty, and we'd white stay up and watch Q and A. And it felt like a really mature relationship to me, and

that is what grabbed me. But he could also be a massive dicker like me, and we could take the piss out of each other and it was just a really fun It was just exciting. It really excited me being with him. We'd only been together for like six months and we just started to move in and it was perfect. We had this little home. We were like all set up. My parents loved him, his parents loved me. It was cool. He was like, obviously the first man I'd ever lived with. So he was very domesticated, which

I was really impressed with. He would always put the toilet seat down, like what, just little things like that. I just thought he's emotionally mature, and that's for me, was a big thing. Yeah, he was just yeah, really, it was a really cool guy. It was a really

beautiful little love that we had. After about six months of living together, I started getting restless at the restaurant that I was at, so I applied for a role in the city that was closest to us, and it was like the top restaurant at the time, and I got the job. So we moved into the city and started a new life. For me, it was a dream come true. Like I was just a small country girl who had big dreams and I went for the big

one and I got it. And yeah, he was super supportive, but he didn't want the relationship to suffer or to lose the relationship, so he kind of followed me in and yeah, he ended up getting a job at another top hotel, and so yeah, we were kind of like just cruising this insane wave. It was like, yeah, I was so young and our dreams were so big, but nothing could stop us. And it's just really good times.

So going to bed early is not a problem. You're just like, yeah, let's keep going, let's whatever. And yeah, you formed some really great relationships, really great friendships. We both made new friends, and we got to a stage where we were so comfortable with each other and so happy with each other that we didn't really need to look outwards, if that makes sense. We were just kind of cozy in our home and our bond and all the other noise around was just that it was just noise.

We didn't kind of if that makes sense, Like, I yeah, you know, like there was a lot of with all the partying and stuff, there was a lot of gossip. I guess you could say. That would go around and we would just laugh at it and get back to our own thing. You know. People would describe us as tight and probably unstoppable. I would say, just very in love, you know, really in love with each other, and yeah, happy.

We were just so happy. It was just so exciting, and we both would meet up after work, we talk about service, and then all of our friends would come and then it would just get rowdy, and but I would always look over and he would always be watching, not a stalker, but just lovingly like you know, and vice versa. It was like everyone knew that we were

in love. And he worked at this one and I worked at that one, and just yeah, it was it was just so cool, like, you know, it was a life that I didn't actually dream that I would have, and here it was. You know, it was a lot of fun. There was a group of us. There was probably like up to ten people, and a lot of them I'm still friends with. There was one girl, Holly, and she was she was so vibrant and she was, I would say, a people magnet. So she was always

on the scene. And it wasn't even if she wasn't with us, she was with another group of hospay people, but she was always around and she was always hooking up with different dudes. It was this confidence that she exuded. But I was like, she's cool, Like I want to hang around her. And she was a lot of fun. She actually got an apprenticeship at the same restaurant, the Shiny One that I was working at, and we just clicked from day one. She brought this warmth about her.

She was very, very confident, very beautiful, but not in an obvious way. She yeah. So we just started hanging out, and then over time we just became best mates. I'd say, actually saw sisters, and you know, my family were obsessed with her, and it was like I'd never really had

a girlfriend like that before. And there's something about female friendship that just kills my heart dead, like it's just so special, and you know, the relatability of everything, and we just take the piss out of each other all the time, and it was okay. It was just fun and banterish, and she very quickly became one of my best mates. She introduced me to so many other people.

She was from there, so she would take me horse riding and would just show me new beaches and it was like we're the little girls that had found each other and we were playful and fun, just so much fun. Like I just loved being around her. She had the personality that everyone just wanted to be around her. The amount of times that we would be just close to on the floor laughing, you know, just that joy, that real joy. I think That's what got me the most

was the joy that she brought to me. All three of us were like peas in the pot, same sense of humor, same kind of outgoing nature. We loved anything active, snowboarding, bodyboarding, bodysurfing, riding, pushes around the beach, skateboarding, like you name it, we would into it. And the three of us did have a lot of fun together. And mainly it was Tony not mocking, but you know, taking the piss out of her for all the dudes that she would sleep with.

She had a bit of a routine, I would say, where she would massage guys with her own massage oil and if she had that in a bag, you knew it was on. So, yeah, the three of us were just really good mates. He definitely was the third Whell.

a storage container and spent the first three months. We flew into the East coast, bought a three point fifty gmc hotted up car, and we drove from Toronto up to Montreal and then across the coast to Whistler. I remember when we were on the plane and we like looked at each other and we had the biggest grins on our face, like we are actually doing this, Like we talked about it for so long, and we were just like stoked to little kids, you know, just like

ah shit, we're here. We made a really tight group of friends over there, another couple, and these were all in the same restaurant that we worked at, the same restaurant together. There was about twelve of us and we would yeah, just go snowboarding every day and cooking and then partying, and then it was just on repeat.

pre Canada. I took over a restaurant in the original town that we were at, and over time he eventually became my soux chef, so second in charge, and then after a little while, Holly became my line chef, one of my line chefs, and so the three of us were just back on dick as thieves. She'd been out of town, so she'd come back and we just reformed that connection we'd had years ago, and man, we just started having fun again and it was all great, but it wasn't.

a bit more drawn back. He retreated to the pubs to play the pokeis a lot, which was really concerning for me. But I couldn't control it. I couldn't control him.

were still so young. If we traveled some more and kind of got that travel bug out of his system, maybe that would suffice. And I truly believed that it was all going to be okay and that we were going to stay together and make that family and have that life by the house, you know, the whole dream that you know a lot of women want. And I thought, I think to myself, well, what am I going to do with my life? There was definitely an undercurrent within me that was swelling through me that I wanted to

travel by myself before I had a baby. And yeah, I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't do it. So that's when I kind of patched this idea to do a little bit of around the world by myself and then meet Tony over there after three months in the UK. So I planned a trip to Mexico by myself. Three months Mexico, Central America, New York, London. It was decided that he would come and meet me in London. We get our work visas we do to use there

take it from there. I always wanted to do some kind of travel by myself, and I just I knew that if I didn't get out of my system. I would never forgive myself. It was just an important thing for me to do. So what happened is he became the head chef and Holly became his soux chef, and we all thought that was an awesome plan, just because they worked so well together and she knew what she was doing and I could trust, you know that they'd

be fine. We'd been together about seven and a half years at this point, and I was really worried about how he was going to be because he'd never really been alone. I said to her, please look after Tony because I'm really worried about him, and she was like, of course, of course, and then you know, we gave our hugs and it was a hard goodbye because I wasn't sure when I was going to see her again.

It was a Saturday night and there was a group of English backpackers, the lads, and they wanted me to go and watch the football and then the girls are like, yeah, come on party, and I don't know what came over me or what had happened. I was like, no, I'm just going to go to bed, which is not me. So at seven point thirty on a Saturday night, I went to bed. I woke up the next morning and lent over to get my phone and I couldn't feel anything on my bedside table and I was like, what

is going on? And I like opened my eyes and it was empty. And then I looked under my bed when my backpack was and every single thing that I've when overseas with was gone. I was surprisingly calm. I fell on my mom's birthday back in Australia, so I was like, I can't call home. I don't want to ruin her day. So Doris gave me five hundred paces, the boys gave me beers, and the girls gave me

some clothes. Obviously, I phoned Tony and he was like, you've got to come home, like that's crazy, and I'm like, look, no one hurt me, it's just stuff. And I don't want to ruin this trip because of one bad incident, you know. So yeah, I left it a couple of days and then called the parents get home now. I's like, no, I'm not gonna you know, same thing with Tony. It's fine. So I jumped on a bus back to Mexico City

with not a shred of IDA on me. They issued me an emergency passport and I stayed in Porto for I think close to four weeks, just because I had to order stuff, you know, backpack, you know, clothes, everything. And then when I was there, I met this girl and we became really really good mates, and she ended up coming with me down through Honduras and down to

Costa Rica. And then the whole time though I was yearning, really yearning Tony, and so I decided to skip New York and go straight to London so that could like speed up the time that he would get there. And over the time that I was in Central America, I recall like a distinct pulling back almost not as many emails, not as many, and I put it down to him just kind of trying to get on with his life and stop because he would always tell me how much

he'd miss me and stuff. I got the job in a bar, and I met beautiful people and we had, you know, a lot of fun, but I just wanted to be home with him, or him with me over here. And one day I said, look, I think I'm just going to come back and surprise you one day. And he was like, don't do that. You know, I don't like surprises. Do not do that. And I said, look, why aren't you excited about this. He's like, I can't afford it.

I can't really remember much more about that except to say that it was a weird hello for us. Anyway, went into the lund room and his mattress was on the floor out there, and I was like what He's like, Oh, I've just been watching TV out here. It's just easier. And the place looked it was just a mess, and I'm like, what is going on? Like just all the pieces of the puzzle just weren't fitting. And so he wouldn't kiss me, definitely was not going to have sex

with me. He just wanted to talk about my trip the whole time, and I just was like, I don't understand. Like in my mind, I was like it was like there was a ghost in the house and he was the ghost, Like he was just a shell of himself. And I didn't I didn't know how to even approach

it because he was just so down. And so we lasted like that for two days, and then one day I went into the bathroom to find a find some moisturizing cream and I opened up the bathroom cabinet and it was like my head rolled off my body and I was blind, like it was like being bludgeoned. And I saw one of Holly's massage oils. So I picked it up really calmly, which for me at that time was not a thing. And I walked out and I said, you've been fucking holy haven't you? And he just burst

out crying and he's like, yeah, yeah, I have. I knew straightaway there was no other scenario that that would be in that shelf, you know, there was just no reason, and I just knew. And then I'm like, oh, that's why the mattress is out there. He doesn't want it in the bedroom. That's why you won't kiss me. That's why I went up sex with me. It was all very like, oh, it's like the dominoes just crashing. I said to him, had this been going on before I left?

And he swears no, but really only they would know. I don't know. I'll never know, but it's really doesn't matter. It happened. And for two days it was back and forth, me trying to understand what had happened and how and when and why, And you know, when you're in it, you want all those details, which are very bad for you, but you just want to know as much as you can.

And it just got to the end of the two days and he just said, look, we're going to be together, and I'm going to move to NUSA, And that's kind of it. She had moved to NUSA because she found out that I was coming home. Yeah, so I didn't know that until I got home, and she'd changed her number, so she was well aware that there was going to be a very upset person coming back to Australia. So I basically begged Tony to give me the number and I said, I just I just need some form of closure.

I just need to speak to her. And so I called her and I just said, what the fuck? How could you do this? And she's like, but you guys were in trouble for a long time. And I'm like, but it was never your place to jump in and take it. It was never your place. And she just said, you know, it just happened, and you know all the bullshit. But I do remember the last thing that I ever said to her was I know that you believe in karma. She just went really silent, and then she hung over

with me, and that was that. It was brutal. I left that day and I had my sister's car and I sat in that driver's seat for thirty minutes, and he was up at the balcony and I just looked at him for thirty minutes, crying, and he just was shaking his head and driving away. Obviously was I didn't think that was going to be the last time I saw him, but it was. I feel like that day tilted my world on its axis just by one degree, that nothing would ever be the same again for me.

I understand that we had had our problems, but what I couldn't understand and I never will, was Holly being able to do that, like literally allowing herself to do that to her best mate. I retreated to my mom's for six months, and I was a mess. I was drinking too much. I felt like I was going crazy because Tony and Holly were both kind of playing it off like it's just happened, just you know, and it consumed me. It was just sucker punch after suck a punch.

It's like, you don't just lose one person, you lose two. That I You're everything, and the whole in my heart was just so big. It changed me for sure. It consumed me for years, this feeling of how could you do that? I truly felt like I had an arm amputated, and I was learning to live without that arm. You know,

it's your best mate, you confident, you go too. And there was that element, But then there was also the element of the other arms missing too, and those arms are holding hands together like bad metaphor, but that's what it was like. I'm like, they've got each other and they're talking each other through all of this, or they're ignoring it and pretending that nothing's wrong, and I'm here just cocooned in this bubble of pain. Like it was truly truly painful, the heartache where you can feel it

in your chest. It was horrible and it stayed with me for a very long time, lost a piece of me, and I didn't know how to function without it. He was all I knew. We got together in such formative years, and we grew into adults together and not having him part of my life and part of my family was just truly devastating. And it's a pain that I never ever want to feel again ever, And I would not

wish it on anyone. I mean, what happened. It's so cliched, the friend and the partner, but until you truly walk it, you can't describe to people. There are so many different layers. You know, there's shame, there's embarrassment, there's hurt, there's jealousy. You know, I was jealous of her for a long time. The list is huge. When Tony and I were in Canada, we traveled for a while with really good twin friends

of our and they knew Tony very well. One night we all cried and they were like, we just can't believe he did this, you know, like we've lost a really good friend too. And you know, breakups aren't just about the individuals, you know, they're far reaching. And it was sad. I have my sister and my mom and the friends like the twins, but they weren't her, And it's like the only person that I know would make me feel better is her. So I did a lot of crying alone. I also went through my laptop and

deleted every single picture I ever had of her. I didn't want any evidence of her. I just And it's funny, because I'm usually quite a nostalgic person. I keep everything, you know, notes and letters and which there was heaps of from her, but I just I didn't want any reminders because the other thing that happened was I compared myself to her so much that it became, I think a little bit sick for me.

brain was being used and I felt valued. So I built this really cool little life in Sydney. Had a great group of friends, very social, got at gigs all the time, just do really cool stuff. And even though I loved it, they were always there. They were always sitting on my shoulder. I was always thinking about them, and I would watch over the years on Facebook, and over time she stopped really posting about him or their marriage, and I just put that down to him being very

not into social media. So the day that I found out that they got married, I went onto her Facebook page and saw their wedding photos. You ever get that feeling where you feel like your heart's dropped into your stomach. Yeah, it was gut wrenching. They got married on the eighth of the eighth of the eighth, a very auspicious good luck date, which at the time I was like, yeah, she's trying to protect herself from karma. We as a couple had our problems. That was ours, but I will

never get over the pain that she caused me. I'm really big on female friendship and the power of sisterhood, and I just I'll never get my head around it. I never will, And unfortunately I'm never going to get those answers because obviously I don't want anything to do

with them. I have thought over the years about reaching out, and just because over time I did a lot of work, obviously many therapists, and I was like, I need to get to a place where I can forgive because I don't want to hold onto this bitterness, because that's just so unhealthy in my eyes. So I worked really, really, really hard, and I got to a place where I was like, you know what, they were obviously meant to be together, and even though it sucked that I was

the conduit, at least they found each other. And I had thought, you know, several times reaching out to her and just saying, look, I know it was really shitty and it was a horrible time, but I hope that you're really happy. I never did. I think I just chickened out because I was I don't know. And then you know, of course my girlfriends are like, why would you do that? Just leave it in the past, Leave in the past. But for someone who thinks the way

that I do, it's always there. It's always just you know, haunting, like caspar just around the corner.

to slam on the brakes. I was so shocked, and there was a part of me that was sad for them, and a part of me that was, huh, maybe that's the karma. I don't know how it happened or what happened. And she's like, you okay, and I was just bawling my eyes out and I said, I just can't you know. For years I was waiting to hear this, and now that it's here, I feel so confused about how I feel. I am genuinely sad that they broke up because I

did think that they would last. And I said, you know what happened and she said, yeah, So they spent ten plus years in the minds both of them big money, and he had gambled it all away. And then I just got so sad, you know, so sad for him. He'd be what forty eight this year, so his wife has walked out at me him. He's got no house, he's got a job, but no money. I'm like, you don't work that hard for so long to have nothing. And so that was in the August, and then in

February this year. It wasn't pre planned. I hadn't thought about it, but I picked up my phone and I searched him through Messenger and I sent him a message and I said, hey, Tony, I heard that you and Holly had broken up, and I'm really sorry to hear that. I really hope that you're okay. Lucy. Anyway, the next day I got a message and it said, yeah, I heard you. You've gone through hard things too. Life's tough. Hey. I said, I'm really sorry to hear that, but I

genuinely hope that you're okay. And he said, well, Lucy, she was my best friend. And I was like, I have no idea what that feels like. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. And he said, so, I guess we should catch up for a beer sometime and I just left it and we never spoke again.

affair with like two weeks later dumped. I know it's also messing and gross, but there's part of me that's like, girlfriend, I told you, Carma will get you full circle. Feel like I've got my closure. Now there's no weight on me in terms of what happened. I really tried hard to show some grace and forgive and reaching out to him, and what he said just made me think, Wow, you have not grown one iota, and nor has she clearly, which is sad for them, But I mean that's where

it goes. I'd spent so many years picturing them being so happy and almost having to ret that in my brain just to put the picture right, if that makes sense. She wasn't perfect, he wasn't perfect. You know, when you break up to I think you idealize things. It's not actually like that, but I think your brain does it

because it's trying to hold onto some good memories. So yeah, I mean, I just despair for both of them, to be honest, there are some things that happened I'm like, oh, she would crack up at that, or you know, certain situations that I've been through, and I do miss her. But maybe the way that she was supposed to evolve as a person and the way that I was supposed to evolve as a person just weren't aligned. And that's just that's just the way life goes. It was my

first friend break up. Like you know, you lose friends through life for whatever reasons, and there that was pretty brutal throughout this whole journey. It put a spotlight on female friendship for me and how devastating it can be when you lose them. It's an emotional relationship that you have and it's emotional intimacy, and just because it's not physical does not mean at all that it doesn't feel

the same way when you lose it. Breathing of her it took me years, years because you know, you know, back in the day we would talk about having kids at the same time raising them to be like great little humans, and it was just a given that we're going to be in our lives each other's lives forever, which again went back to how you could do that, you know, just you know, I could get back on the circle of why and how, but it's all just

for me. One huge lesson for me. My lesson is about being resilient and trying to accept that not everyone will act or behave the way that you want them to, and you have to make choices. I guess about who you let into your life and who you don't. And sometimes they just lessons that you don't see coming, really

just just life. I was very lucky in that when I went to Sydney, I did have a good group of friends around me, and they were fully aware of the situation and they cuddled me and took me through some pretty rough nights, and yeah, I mean, that's the thing about heartbreak is when you're in it, this is the forever. But when you walk through it, like walk through the fire, and you get to the other end, there is such a sense of oh, wow, like I did it. It's satisfying in a weird way. You know.

It's like proving to yourself that yeah, I'm okay. I've spent so long trying to get closure that I think the more I think about it moving forward, it's just counterproductive. So I'm like, I just that's the story. Let's just move right on. And if anything, you know, I just hope that for anyone that's listening really really knows, for any heartbreak that you're going through, you're going to come out of it and you're going to come out of it stronger and better. And that's kind of what I

really hope people feel. Because it's possible, you just have to really do some hard work.

And yeah, I had our two little girls. So I split from turning in two thousand and seven and didn't meet my fella until twenty thirteen. So I was single for quite a while. And it was in those years that were really defining for me in terms of my mental health and learning how to deal with everything that had happened. Very formative, very formative. But you know, I look at my girls and I always think I've got so much to teach you. If you ever need it,

I've got like a suitcase full of it. Life is good. Life is really good. So the fella and I split up, which is fine, and the three of us have this beautiful of life. I own a home, we've got a pool, we're close to the beach. Their healthy, happy, Their dad and I and his wife are all good friends. And I'm satisfied. All I've wanted to be was happy, and I finally got there, and I look at those two girls and I'm like, man, have I got some stories for you?