For the Nice Guys reading and listening to this - I feel you. Because I’ve been you. 100% self-confessed recovering nice guy here. With honest reflection, feedback, clarity, and some sobering acknowledgements I saw that some overarching motivations were because I needed to be liked. Insecurity yearned to feel like I was important to and valued by others so I could convince myself of the same thing. What a shit-sandwich that was! One I kept making and eating. Yuck. This is ...
Feb 27, 2022•45 min
For those unfamiliar with New Zealand - we are a small country in the arse end of the world, as we tend to call it. We have some sheep. Probably not as many as you might think. It’s very green. Quite beautiful, really. We can claim to Middle Earth, but that’s really a minority of the population. We currently love shutting ourselves off from the rest of the world (much to this author’s frustration - Hi Cindy). And we love the All Blacks. While there certainly is a wide range of humans in this cou...
Dec 15, 2021•59 min
There is one thing that comes up more than most when it comes to working with men; PURPOSE. Sure, many guys want to 'get confidence' and some want to simply get out of the frustrating place they are now, stop the sabotage and spending a vast majority of their time caught in their head. But even for those guys, at some point, the work turns to 'finding purpose', Which, when you talk to them - as I do all the time - the idea we have gleaned from the world of personal development, self-help, and 's...
Dec 12, 2021•31 min
Name one thing people avoid probably more than most other things. The plague - definitely. Not really Covid - although, we have become a world of attempting to avoid that at all other costs. I mean, it is the new plague, really. I digress. I suppose you could say walking into traffic. Perhaps putting metal in the microwave. Things like these do have undesirable consequences, no doubt. But what I’m talking about is more mundane yet wholly impactful on our lives. Conflict. Tell me you’ve never avo...
Oct 05, 2021•1 hr 3 min
Welcome back to the show a good friend of mine and the first guest to appear twice - Mark Groves. For those who don’t know Mark, he is a human connection specialist who delivers content, courses, and no BS advice on relationships. Right now I’m talking a lot about relationships and being a - *cough* great partner - so the first person on my list to have a conversation about this stuff for you guys is Mark. So, I gave him a shout, and here we are - a conversation that wanders through many aspects...
Sep 16, 2021•1 hr 9 min
I grew up hearing many different things that were presented to me as ‘fact’. The thing about growing up is that what we witness, by in large, is what we see as truth in the world until we somehow learn differently. I thought professional wrestling was real for a good while until I had the dream shattered. Many of these truths we take on and form part of our lens of the world, and in other ways often part of our identity. One of those ideas and stories perpetuated around me, especially in my twen...
Sep 06, 2021•56 min
It’s been a belief of mine for a while now that many of the most messed up and avoidable issues we have on a global scale are the result of dysfunctional, disconnected, and discontent men. To expand upon that, even more, I think we have a problem with how we portray what a healthy and mature man is, and we lack adequate passages and initiations into true grown-ass mature manhood. As a result, we have many men, through no fault of their own, going about life still running some outdated and adoles...
Sep 01, 2021•1 hr 6 min
One of the things I’ve often seen in the world of personal development is men coming in to do some work on themselves and to ‘grow’, but a lot of that is being driven by a desire to become more immune to judgement. We get into the work so that we can become more approvable to others, therefore, less open to some kind of hurt, rejection, judgement, wounding. This is not and cannot be the aim - for that is just attempting to create a shinier veneer, a more presentable and approval armour that we s...
Aug 18, 2021•1 hr 6 min
It was 2015 and I started to realise over many conversations with many men about their challenges and things they were facing in their lives that I was answering their pleas for advice and support with the same answer (thereabouts) - ‘ Have you tried having a conversation about that?’ What became apparent to me was that something that had become pretty bloody normal and easy (easiER) for me - to connect to the conversation I needed to have despite the discomfort the idea of that conversation mig...
Aug 11, 2021•20 min
Here’s something we STRUGGLE with as men - anger. We shame it, we stuff it away, we shambles it and explode with it inappropriately. We just don’t know how to deal with, express and DO anger. Many men have never learnt how to manage and effectively express anger, some learnt incredibly unhealthy and shitty ways of dealing with anger - to explode, to be violent, and to essentially have other people deal with our vomiting of it onto them and into our relationships and interactions. If nothing else...
Aug 01, 2021•48 min
I am always learning many things, all the time - still learning. Some things I keep learning over and over - kind of implying I’m not bloody learning them at all. And then there are ones that I learn again and again but in a new way or on a new level, almost. One of those is this: man, as individuals and as a society we need the wisdom, experience, insight, and practises of elders; those people advanced in age (perhaps) but sage in themselves and experienced in those years. For the longest part ...
Jul 20, 2021•1 hr 18 min
There is an increasingly common theme with some men who reach out to me and that I work with. Not all, but the numbers are steady. And that is men who have either divorced or separated from their children’s mother and now living in a whole new set of experiences. Not only is there the man wanting to heal old relationships and potentially the wounds and mechanisms that played out in that relationship, but there is navigating fatherhood with a new and challenging set of parameters. Co-parenting me...
Jul 13, 2021•1 hr 5 min
There are many things men are often terrified of being and/or terrified of being seen as. Being or being seen as - sometimes the reality doesn’t seem as daunting as other people thinking the reality is true. Being wrong, incapable, weak are a few of the big ones that I’ve mentioned on this podcast before. And then there is another, one that carries with it so much social stigma it really only gets put in the darkest of corners for the saddest of people. What is it that we fear being and being se...
Jul 05, 2021•1 hr 18 min
An often asked question and butchered answer based on a set of beliefs we grow up with or learn along the way - this question is one I’ve been asked and seen play out in tremendously ignorant, immature and just plain stupid ways. All of which understandable. Can men and women actually be friends without messing it up with sex and attraction? Well, I address it in today’s punchy solo episode taken from (and expanded upon) a previously filmed Q&A video on my social media. In this Episode: I ad...
Jul 03, 2021•12 min
I often get asked the question “How did you get into this work with men?” - with a commonly preconceived idea that it was some kind of obvious rock-bottom or really traumatic event that led to me turning my life around and then getting into the work to help men in the same situation. While that might be a sexy story, it’s not the case. What is true is that my story like everyone’s, hold crucial events that are vitally relative to their own life experiences. So, what I did go through eventually l...
Jun 12, 2021•1 hr 16 min
In my work, I get asked many questions about men, what it means to be a man, about understanding men, and about supporting men. One that pops up now and again is something like this: “Have you ever thought about working with young men and doing this work in schools? Man, it would be so powerful!” I agree. It would be. But I’ve always said and still stick by the point that I work with grown-ass men because, fundamentally, I’m working with me from about 12 years ago. I work with the men who resona...
Jun 02, 2021•1 hr 9 min
We have many narratives that we see, hear, experience, and take on board as boys, adolescents and now as men. They range from innocent, to important, to powerful and positive, to powerful and outrageously negative. We have narratives and messages we receive about being respectful of others, about treating others how you want to be treated, about elbows on the table, about talking with your mouthful, about the importance of getting an education and getting a good-paying job, about success and wha...
May 21, 2021•44 min
The realm of personal development has a few different worlds in it. One of those is the idea of just being better ‘ #liveyourbestlife - which tends to focus on just following your dreams and passions and being positive all the time. Unfortunately, for many of us, this sets unrealistically high expectations and ultimately encourages by-passing of shit we actually need to learn, sit in, process, and move through. As a result, we often spin in feeling like a failure, beating ourselves up and trying...
May 02, 2021•43 min
Getting out of $500,000 debt & turning your life around I’ve been working with men for a long time now. Specifically in the realm of helping them mentally and emotionally to get their shit together for 9 years. Before that in the physical sense - but always essentially mental and emotional sense - for 8 years. That’s 17 years and counting in working with men to understand and overcome their shit. There are common themes, no doubt. Relationships are a huge one. Career enters a lot. Body stuff...
Apr 26, 2021•1 hr 2 min
I have worked with many men over the last decade. I have worked intimately with many and spoken with, answered questions, supported and given requested advice to many more. There are themes that arise and remain across numbers like this - certainly in the ones that seek me out (or have the courage to do so, at least). One of those themes is a desire to get more from life - knowing there is more available but not necessarily knowing how to access it. What accompanies this for so many guys is a cu...
Apr 18, 2021•1 hr 8 min
There’s this saying “ If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room” . While that might be tentatively attributed to Confucius originally (from this author's Google search) and many people thereafter, I like it but wouldn't say I take it as gospel. Cognitive Intelligence is one thing, emotional is another. I suspect we can always learn something from other people, be it something in them that creates a reflection and learning about ourselves, or some unique piece of informa...
Apr 11, 2021•1 hr 23 min
Human’s evolved to be in community with others, to be supported by and be in support of other humans, to build relationships, to problems solve, to hunt and cook and sing and dance and share stories and experiences. We are social creatures. You are a social creature. Yet, when it comes to the stuff that challenges you, the things that hold you back, that keep tripping you up, there is a universal truth that actually negates this point for a very important moment; no one is coming to save you. No...
Jan 24, 2021•17 min
It would seem now more than perhaps ever, or certainly in recent history, we as a society, are faced with our shadow; the parts of ourselves, as individuals and a collective, that we have shamed, shunned, and hidden away into a dark corner. When we reject or shame something it goes away into the dark, and we try to convince ourselves that it’s not here, not around, simply because we’re choosing not to see it. But that is very far from the truth. In the dark those things are gaining power, they g...
Jan 12, 2021•1 hr 12 min
Here’s a common desire in so many men - “I want to be more confident” which, if not obvious, follows the proclamation “I’m just not confident enough” - or words very close to that effect. They’re the words of men focused on a story they have around confidence - that they don’t have it and they need to find it. But it goes beyond that, it extends into this idea I have that some people have it, they're doing things I’m not, and because they have it and I don’t, there must be something wrong with m...
Dec 31, 2020•30 min
Today’s episode is a bit different. My guest is Traver Boehm. And also I’m his guest. Traver and I are colleagues and (internet) friends with a deep respect for each other and each other’s work. When Traver asked me to appear on his podcast, I responded with ‘of course’ and then “I’d like to have you on mine too. He initially responded “Of course” to then reflect and suggest “ Why don’t we simply do a two-way conversation and both publish it instead of doing one interview then changing and going...
Dec 18, 2020•1 hr 4 min
There are a few terms that make their way around the personal development world and become common vernacular. Some become tired and worn, such as ‘authenticity’ or ‘vulnerability’. Then there is men’s work in particular, which it’s own nuanced cliques and terms. To me, some of it doesn’t connect or resonate, while some of it seems tired and inaccessible. Then there are terms which I think every man would benefit from understanding and knowing how to apply to his life for the better. One of those...
Dec 11, 2020•57 min
There is this consistent thing that happens with so many of the men I work with - a journey in understanding and processing their emotions. For some guys, it’s because they’ve shut off that side of themselves for so long - hearing terms that shame tears, emotions, or any kind of sensitivity will do that. And anything we shame and hide away will atrophy, it will die off. For these guys, it is a whole new and terrifying thing to connect to their body, to their emotions, and to their heart. For som...
Dec 07, 2020•54 min
What is it to be & feel successful as a man This topic sits central to basically everything we do. It’s the one thing - not, one of many, actually - that we tend to have a ‘just part of life’ that we don’t even question. SUCCESS. But what is it even? To be a successful man? The unspoken cultural agreement in the West looks something like: He earns ‘good’ money, has a ‘good job, has nice things as a result, such as a house and car. Bonus points for power, status, and happy marriage but can al...
Nov 29, 2020•27 min
Extreme initiation rites of passage & growth I was first introduced to Tim and his work via his TV show ‘Boy to Man’ back when it initially aired in Australia 2016. A show in which he travelled to 12 extremely remote locations to spend time with people still living in their traditional ways and partake in a series of coming of age boy to manhood rituals. I remember being captivated by the first ad I saw on TV, for two reasons; one. I am deeply curious about rites of passage rituals and the j...
Nov 21, 2020•1 hr 7 min
This is a conversation from a few months ago - smack bang in the middle of one of 2020’s major global offerings - a look at race. Black Lives Matter exploded with fervour in the US after the police killing of George Floyd. A powder keg was ignited both in the US and in many places across the globe, leading to one giant and multifaceted conversation on race, racism, and how people of colour have been treated and marginalised in a lot of society. Here in Australia was no different, as protests amo...
Nov 15, 2020•1 hr 4 min
