42: Build a Thriving God-Centered Marriage | Beth Sri

And it was such a wonderful book to allow us to have good conversations around what is a good God centered marriage really supposed to look like, you know, what are areas we can grow in, um, as well as just some good laughs. You had some good stories in there that definitely brought us some, some laughter and joy to our conversation. So welcome Beth. I'm so excited to chat with you today.

That part has just been fantastic. So, um,

Um, yeah, and then bring those regularly to mind, I think is a great practice with with anyone, whether it's our spouse, you know, our, our children, our friends, our parents, our siblings, um, to really just honor the goodness that is there and and know that the person standing in front of us. Is fully human, which means coexists with lot of absurdity and a lot of woundedness and a lot of other things and that doesn't, that doesn't lessen the goodness of the person with us.

In our humanness, like you said, we're always going to encounter, uh, brokenness and sin and in our own selfishness in so many ways. And marriage reveals that to us for sure. But what would your advice be, you know, to kind of what are those common pitfalls and how can you work on them? How can you grow?

We can just name vulnerably and honestly what's going on here, that that in itself is like next level, because in order to say it, you have to what's going on in your body, in your heart, in your mind, in your soul, and be familiar enough with your own movements sense Oh, that's grief. Oh, that's fear. And then to have the, the safety in your relationship to say it. and I'm saying this now in my late forties, and this is a new skill for me.

So I, I wouldn't want to put this on someone who's like newly married. Um, because I think there are natural progressions that happen one first gets married. I mean, there's the newness of it all and the excitement and your whole future. out in front of you. Don't know which way it's going to go. I mean, I like in marriage to, um, space mountain does coaster in the dark at Disneyland. You buckle up, you get in that little car and that's your vows, your wedding day.

And then you don't know which way you're going.

Now, one thing if you want can touch on it a little bit, I feel like where people struggle with this is a lot of the times I find people struggle with this. Like real honesty, you know, either with other people or with their spouse. And I think a lot of times the misconception is that if you're brutally honest, it automatically leads to conflict and people want to avoid conflict.

So how can you, you know, grow in this skill of honesty, or maybe like, what can you, can we do to receive our spouse when they're being honest to kind of encourage this practice of just like transparency, um, without there just naturally being a defense that lines up. With that, does that make sense? Mm hmm. Ha ha ha. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Ha ha ha.

And so it's a sort of template that we see the world through. so when we get in similar situations without us even thinking about it, we will react in ways as if what's happening in front of us with our beloved is in the past. Um, and so it can take a whole hot to say, okay, time out. That's not where we are. am actually safe here. are my husband, my wife, we are sacramentally married. We are together before God. have chosen you before all others to be with me in this lifetime.

You have made a commitment of your life to me and I want to be honest with you. And I know because I know you, it could hurt you. And just feel so much for anyone in that spot. I mean, I've been in that spot. It's, that is a really tough place to be. And if we really want to grow, then, then we will say the thing, but in a way that we can hope it would be heard.

Um, and if, and again, sometimes we need support around us, not our spouse, but maybe a therapist, spiritual director, mentor, good friend, somebody that can hold space for us that maybe we take the feelings to first. To like, as a check, Hey, is this legit? Should I be feeling this way? I don't know. Um, am I off base here, know, and then have them be a sort of, um, mirror to us and say, yeah, that makes sense. It'd be good to bring that up.

But I think sometimes when we tiptoe around conflict, it really doesn't serve us. We may have peace.

You know, like I know you love me but why do I for some reason not feel loved and I feel like in my husband and I we've been married three and a Half years and we've absolutely had these conversations where we're like, I know you love me, but I don't feel loved you know and I It is brave to say that, first of all, to really come to that conclusion of just like, why are we missing each other? And I think it's so helpful to name that, especially in conflict.

Um, just to remind each other of that, to kind of like, almost like bring your guard down and like lessen those walls of like, I know we're in a heated discussion, or I know we're talking about something really painful. Let me just remind you, like, I do love you. Or, you know, if the other person, like, I, I know that you love me. I'm, like, trying to hold on to that, you know. But, here's how I feel.

And I think those first few years of marriage, you know, can be, Um, you know, beautiful and exciting, but also like messy as you're learning to love each other. And part of the selflessness of marriage is learning to love each other in the way that your spouse receives love best. Not the way, not always the way that is most natural to us. And so while you're like really learning to do that, well, I think it's always good to, yeah. To just do what you were saying of just like.

Coming to each other in transparency and just always giving each other that reminder of like You know, I do love you, you know, and this is what i'm feeling or like I know I know you love me But yet I think we're missing the mark here Like can we just have a conversation about it and just being really open to like receiving?

Whatever your spouse is feeling even if it is hurtful to hear That they're not being loved because in the end like we're always trying our best to love our spouse And it, and it hurts when you hear like, Oh, wow, like I'm trying, but like, it's not being received that way.

Um, this just reminds me of one of the, one of the stories in your book that I, I really loved was, uh, you were talking about gift giving and how that is like a love language that you have and how your husband noticed that you really liked the gift. This certain type of maple syrup. And so for your birthday, he like bought you all these cases of maple syrup. And he was like, yes, like I nailed it. Like I'm so intentional. Like I finally got the gift right.

And, oh, we all laughed when we read and you're like, but I'm your wife. Like, you know, like maple syrup, why would you get your wife maple syrup? So talk to me a little bit about that. A little bit about maybe like love languages. I think that's something that is such a growth, uh, has been for us, like a growth spur in our marriage, like learning to love each other in each other's love languages. Tell, talk to me a little bit about that. What kind of pasta is it?

Okay. I've never heard of that. Yum. Yes.

He loves. Like really well prepared home cooked meals, especially Italian ones. There's a particular pasta he wishes I made more often. Um, I usually make it for his birthday and other specialties. My son in law has actually started asking for it because he knows he likes it as much as my husband does. It's not that I don't like making it. It's I don't have a good recipe. And so it's a stress thing because I combined two recipes. You never know how it's going to turn out. It's called Norchina.

It's not, it's really not that hard. It's basically, um, a sausage without fennel, but with cream and then caramelized onions. It's pretty, pretty basic, but there, there are certain things that are just a lot for me to pull together. So, so when we joke about, Oh, are you making Norcina? I'm like, no. But I am thinking something that, you know, your mom's soup or a matcha or carbonara, you know, all these different things.

So, so anyway, like there are certain things that I can do for him that he communicated, he's expressed and I received that he feels loved when, as soon as he walks in the door coming home, light up and smile and go over to him and give him a hug. Even if I'm like having the worst day, even if like, I just.

You know, did something really dumb or I'm in feeling something when he's home, if I can just take that the 30 seconds to stop, smile, engage, that can really set us on the tone for, you know, having a really beautiful evening together, don't you, that it's not the end of the world. It's just, you know, it's like an, a missed opportunity. And then there are things for him as well, that I just need him to, to do. For instance, when we first were married, um.

be in bed talking at night before we're about to doze off. And we had a custom of always saying our prayers together at that time. And we'd be talking and then all of a sudden he would just say, in the name of the father, son, and he would just start praying. And I'm like, oriented. And then I finally said, are you ready to pray? Sometimes I'm still thinking we're talking and you've decided we're done. And you go to pray. And he was like, Oh yeah, totally.

People are going to come to our wedding and have these conversion experiences because there's so palpably feeling that God is present here. And I, I love that desire. It's noble. know, it's, it's countercultural. It's really making a stand for God and the beauty of the sacrament. Fast forward, those same couples that have this beautiful vision and hope and desire, um, start to struggle and it can be really easy to just. feel intense shame over that. You know, I'm not good enough.

We just aren't enough. We couldn't hack it. We thought we were this and look, we're just as bad as everybody else or something like that. Um, and I would just, I would just encourage any couple that's thinking that or any spouse that's thinking that to just really consider. The sacraments working, you know, when God looks down on, on the couple, he sees a unity. He sees one, um, that word cling in the book of Genesis can actually be translated to mean glue you are glued to your spouse.

And so the fact that you're, you're not perfectly getting along and perfectly growing and having perfect bliss means that the sacrament is working. It means that God is working to, to chisel the two of you down so that you fit better together and that you fit better into the plan that he has. for you. It's a part of the process. It's not something to say, Oh no, what have we done? Or we shouldn't have done there.

So maybe we just weren't meant to be, or we're not cut out for marriage or I'm not this way. It's actually no rather God is here. He has drawn us together and he is drawing us to himself through these difficulties. It doesn't make them less hard and you still may need outside help and that, that is totally fine. It makes sense. We can't do this Christian thing alone.

Um, but it's not a sign of that needs to be turned into shame fear or anything else that's going to keep us from the heart of God and what he has for us.

That was something I hadn't encountered before. Um, I really got involved as a missionary and it was encouraging and beautiful, but I. I think anybody who's really involved in those kind of communities can relate to what you're saying. Like there is this like beautiful zeal of like, we are going to do this. Like we are going to be that God centered couple, like in our community, you know, in our culture and like, and it's all going to be great.

And it's almost like you feel exempt from, like, the difficulties of marriage because you have, like, God so, so prominently in your personal life. And you're like, oh, my gosh, like, because we're these faithful, faithful Catholics, like, we probably won't struggle with these things in our marriage. And, um, I just think it's, yeah, just encouraging and refreshing to hear the words that you had to say.

And always to remember that it's not a place of shame, um, because I think that's so often where the enemy wants to take us of like, Oh, you thought you were going to be a good Catholic couple and, and you're struggling, man, that's, that's shameful, you know? And, and we know that that's not of the Lord. Um, so, yeah, I think, um, One more thing too, if you could just speak into, yeah, into like couples that really want to have a God centered marriage.

What role do faith and prayer play in navigating just like all that there is in marriage and how can we really set a foundation of Christ at the center of our marriage?

But then flexibility, know, so I think primarily praying individuals, there are times where, and this is something we wrote about as well, where Ted and I, his name is Edward, but he goes by

And I mean, it's, my prayer has evolved over many years. Many different ways. Um, but I think, I really think that just the faithfulness to up to meet with our Lord each day to have that conversation with him, um, to really seek him first, um, really just gave us the light and, and the fullness and the grace and the capacity to then encounter and serve one another. then our children and the other people that were in our lives.

Um, it's almost like if you, um, if you have a lamp next to your bed, if it's not plugged in, it's not doing much of anything.

Um, and I can't, I have to say like full, full disclosure, our prayer was not beautiful, fantastic, con consoling, like just awesome every single day. There were many times for both of us that it was. It felt rope. felt like we were just, you know, punching the clock and checking the box God still used that. And God still works that, um, sometimes through our, our failures and difficulties.

There's times where I remember talking to, um, an old spiritual director and I'm like, I had the horrible day, this happened and this kid, and then my husband and, and dinner and blah. And she's, and I'm like, well, did you pray? And I'm like, yes. And that's what makes it crazy. Think about if you didn't pray.

And I'm like, I would have been even more off the rails, you know, and not that have good days or we pray and everything's great, but there is something about to it, being faithful to it and showing up that God has something to work with that. And he does, he does come to us and he does give us more of his life

Either things magically get done or even if they don't, there's still like a stillness and a peace about my heart of just like, okay, it's not going to fall apart and that's fine. And those are just like the graces the Lord gives us when we, when we meet him in prayer. Okay. You mentioned that your prayer has evolved over the years and that in different seasons of life, I'm sure with children and as you have more kids, um, yeah, it looks differently.

Can you just share maybe like what has prayer looked like in different seasons? Cause I think that's a conversation, um, People really need to hear. People hear a lot about prayer, but a lot of the times we don't know what that looks like in different people's lives. And I think when we go from one season to the next, maybe newly married to one kids to two kids, um, there's a lot of questions around like, what is, what could my prayer life look like right now?

So can you just shed some light on like, what does it look like in different seasons of your life? What are some different examples of why people can be praying? Yeah.

You know, and the ideal time to pray again, ideal, not like only, um, is first in the first thing in the morning, you know, you've got your coffee and you are in the scriptures or the mass ratings or your devotional, whatever it is, but you are connecting straight out of the gates. Physiologically, it's a great time to pray and then mentally waking up. It orders your day. You're seeing with the vision of Christ and you're ready to go.

as I grew in my motherhood, there is no way because if I were to go downstairs, um, it could be game over before I even start. And sometimes, you know, when kids were little, they're waking me up or I'm up all night with a baby.

Like what am I going to do with this pocket of time that all of a sudden I have. And that became my first fruit. Now I'm going to claim this time. I don't know how long I have, but I'm going to, you know, take out my, my devotional or the Bible or whatever it is, and really attempt to encounter God in prayer. Um, it's definitely something that. That is evolved. There have been times where I made my coffee the night before and literally rolled out of bed and chugged it and prayed.

Um, that works really well until I was so sleep deprived. I had the flu, the worst I've ever had in my life, a little bit overdoing it there. Um, there were times where I had to keep my devotional book, in the bathroom because I knew I would visit there several times a day. Generally by myself

but it was a very sweet little time to be in my chair, my place, you know, and just kind of meeting Jesus. In a place where I'm normally not connecting with them in an intimate way because the bodies of people I love being all around me. So

I feel like I'm a different person now, honestly. So I don't know what I could have gone back to tell myself that I would have believed, you know, and maybe that's just a, a witness to the transformational power of Jesus Christ and the sacrament.

And when we really give him space to work and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with him and bring to him all of our, our deep feelings, our grief, our anger, our shame, our fear when we can really just be brutally honest with him and allow him to show up and he does.

in our pain, like that is where all of a sudden he stops being just this caricature or this person on a crucifix or someone that I, I believe in my mind is the God of the universe and I endeavor to love and serve, but he becomes so much more real and powerful and just. Yeah, everything. So I think I would have gone back to like, when I look at pictures of my younger mom self, self, I just would say like, you're so good and I don't think she would have heard it.

She'd be like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. You're saying that. What do you want? You know? But I think I would just say, you know, what you're doing matters and it's hard. won't always be this physically taxing and you are building something that's lasting and that's not nothing. It feels like nothing. Um, especially being in the home, being isolated, being insulated. It feels really heavy and really hard and I get it and I see you and that makes sense and there's more for you.

keep staying faithful and flexible and rolling with it and showing up, whether it's prayer or in loving your spouse or loving your children. Yeah.

But the reality is like we grow and we evolve over time. And as we enter into new seasons and that's inevitable. So how, if you could just let us in a little bit, like how has marriage changed you and what, in what ways do you feel like you see yourself now? And you're like, wow, like, yeah, I'm a different person. Like in what ways? Yeah.

And so I really entered into a. A time of deep healing of introspection of prayer, um, started going to therapy regularly, not just like, Oh, a little bit here. And, Oh, I think I'm okay here, but really just dove in. And, um, it was when I finally said, okay, I need help. I don't want to feel this deep heaviness in me. Ache in this raw anymore that I want to enter in. Um, but that's when, that I feel like Jesus was like, okay, awesome. We can do this now.

You know, now that you're here, that you see it, that you want it too. Yeah, that he was able to really show up and, um, show me new things. Take, I feel like I had to Marie Kondo, my soul. Remember that Netflix?

my own giftings, my charisms, you know, the, the things that I'm starting to realize even more, um, have always been there though they weren't safe to be seen for a long time. So yeah, it's more just growing in confidence in him and confidence in how he's made me and confidence that he's still with me and fashioning me and more