24: A Therapist's Advice To Deeper Connection In Your Marriage | Melissa Tablada

Just expertise perspective from, um, or for these topics of marriage and family life fertility. Uh, she has so many beautiful things to share. So Melissa, welcome to every beat. Can you just give us all a little introduction about yourself?

Um, before having the kids, we walked through our own season of infertility and thank God with the support of Creighton and NAPRA technology, we were able to work through that and find healing and have our children. Um, and so I've been always super passionate about fertility care. So I am a fertility care practitioner with Creighton, which I love so much and could talk endlessly about.

Um, but before that, my primary education training and professional focus, um, is that I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. So actually I work. I work primarily with individuals. It's a very common, like, misunderstanding with my license title, but with couples as well, but, um, mostly I'm working with individuals and couples from a Catholic worldview, Catholic lens of the human person and what it means to be human and find healing and wholeness.

and also looking within the context of the family system, which is. what it means to be a marriage and family therapist. I'm looking at an individual or a couple from the systemic point of view of the family that they're part of, what they learned in their family of origin, growing up, what their experience is now and how we can just, yeah, um, live out the calling that God has for us each individually and in our marriages.

And so right now I'm in a season of raising babies and running businesses

I love just the way that you just described that whole system because there's so many different things that go into How we approach our marriage how you know our relationship thrives or hurts um, depending on our own experiences and what we're bringing into marriage, so it's much more complicated than Um than we think um, so today we are going to be talking about marriage Um advice for marriage couple married couples, but also just diving a little bit deeper into the idea of building a strong Um

Beautiful, healthy connection with your spouse. And I think that this can be something that people desire more of in like a, like a wide range of however many years you've been married. It just because you've been married one or two years doesn't mean that like you never need improvement in your connection. It could be something that newlyweds are looking for as well as people that have been married for a long time.

So I'm excited to dive into kind of like your tips and tricks, especially from your perspective as a marriage therapist. So I guess. Um, first question to start off, um, as a licensed marriage therapist, right? From your expertise, what do you feel like are common difficulties that people struggle with or couples struggle with? Um, do you have any tips or advice to remedy or avoid them?

Six years from the time that they notice a problem until the time that they seek professional support, which is way too long. And at that point, usually one person is completely checked out and unwilling or uninterested in doing the work that therapy takes. And so my first tip is don't be average. That's the average. Don't be average. Be proactive. We all have issues. I am a marriage therapist with a very healthy marriage. And my husband and I both go to therapy individually and together.

We need it. It's good for all of us. We all have stuff to work on. We all have stuff to improve. I will say, um, because I am the specific population that I work with. I'm primarily working with Catholic young adult women and Catholic young adult couples or younger couples. And so something I love about this community is that we tend to be a little bit more proactive about seeking. Healing and wholeness and personal growth and development.

So many of the clients that I'm working with in therapy are in the early stages. They're not waiting six years. They're like, we're not even married yet. And we want to work on our relationship where we've been married for 10 days. And we want to work on our relationship, which is. Such a gift to themselves and to their marriages. So, um, that's so good. It's not across the board that people are waiting far too long.

And even if they are like, let's say you've been married 20 years and you're listening to this and you're thinking like, oh my gosh, it's too late. It's never too late. You're never too disconnected for God to bring, um, reunification and, and reconnection, but the sooner that we can work on our issues, the better. Um, So specifically, I would say some of the more common problems that people are coming into therapy with are regarding communication and conflict resolution.

Those are like the top two things that people are telling me every single day communication. As far as that goes, there are a few really simple communication skills that I teach almost all of my clients because they're so simple and so basic, but unless we learned them, unless our family of origin, taught us really healthy communication, then we're just modeling and repeating whatever we learned. And so sometimes that's not the most healthy forms of communication.

I'm actually working on a resource right now to, um, compile these like really simple communication skills and do that. Share it with everyone. So stay tuned for that. Not sure if it's exactly ready when this is launching, but at some point, that's just like really simple, just a few things, but to give people something to work on right now, I would say when it comes to communication, people are often thinking about what they're going to say.

And if we were to shift into actively listening and really understanding our spouse, that's going to change the entire dynamic of the communication. If we. Learn how to truly listen, listen actively, listen to understand, ask good questions, seek to know why they think what they think, why they feel what they feel. It's going to solve so many of our communication issues. Um, and so a simple tool for that is to just start asking after your spouse has shared something.

me make sure I'm understanding you correctly and then reflect back what you think you heard because chances are, especially if there's a lot of conflict in your marriage, you probably didn't hear what they meant to say. And they maybe didn't even say what they meant to say. There's just so much misunderstanding that we can clear up if we're actually seeking to understand what the person is saying and really listen. So that's like something so simple.

If you just start saying Let me just check and make sure I, I get you. Let me make sure I heard you correctly. It's going to clear up so many of our communication

Argument or a thing that you like can't both agree on in the last like six months to a year in your marriage and use it for this and we like at the retreat used it and it was like We just got to a whole new level of understanding It's not like it was resolved right then and there but we got to a whole new level of understanding just in the first time Of using that especially when you both I think it's so important when you're in conflict resolution Like in, in conflict resolution mode, when

you're like in the middle of it to kind of just be like open and candid and like, okay, let's try doing this. You know, like you can just say like, let's try this strategy. Cause I want to be able to understand you and just like outline it right there in the conversation. And so even just both of us.

Sitting down knowing like we're gonna try this and we're gonna try once again to like face this issue and see where we land It was like this like armor Was able to like come down a little bit because you both know that you're coming from a place of like seeking to understand each Other and you both might know like I might not get through to him or he might not fully understand what I'm saying But I know he's at least in a place where he's like Trying to and like actively listening and he's going

to repeat back and I have a space to actually clarify Instead of everybody trying to talk over each other trying to like be like, that's not what I said. That's not what I said So it's been really helpful

I asked him to grab me the peanut butter and he was like, let me make sure I hear you correctly. You want me to grab you the peanut butter? And like, because we intentionally went through like. Okay. This is a skill that we want to get really good at. And in order to get really good at it, we need to practice it in neutral, calm, like happy moments. And so I just remember him practicing it in that moment and being me being like, you're nuts.

But it was so helpful because then we've been able to use it so often in a

But if we are feeling disconnected across the board or just day to day, it's going to be so much more difficult to resolve conflict when it comes up, when it's like a bigger issue that needs management versus if we are putting energy into connection and intimacy and we have a healthy, holy relationship. Positive foundation to stand on when a conflict arises.

We're just going to naturally be a lot, um, have a lot more skills and ability to work through that conflict if we were already connected to start with. So I would start with building the connection so that conflict

Um, I know, especially for us, this is kind of a personal situation, but like we spend so much time together because we work together, we live together, we have the same friends, like. Pretty much the only thing we don't do together is work out because we go to different gyms. And so a lot of the times we'll sit down at a date night and be like, so how was your day? It's like, well, I was with you. Like, I already know what you did today.

And even for couples who don't work remotely from home together, I know a lot of times I've heard from friends, like we go to date nights and it's like, what did you do? And it's like, I just kind of hear about work or. You kind of just talk about the kids and you kind of lose a little bit of that. Like, how are you individually? Or like, what else can we talk about besides just like the day to day? Do you have any advice? Let's just start there with the conversation.

Do you have any advice on what to talk about or like how to spark interesting and good connecting conversations with your spouse?

He will almost a hundred percent of the time be like, Uh, you know, the same stressful, like just a very generic, very like, okay. I don't want to talk about work kind of response, there's so many better questions that we can be asking. is something huge. People are asking all the time. I have a free download with 25 conversation starters. That I will give you the link so you can share it with people. Um, but basically things like, how did you see God today? What's one thing you learned today?

Because even if you were spending the entire day with your spouse, you don't know the answer to those questions. So, you know, practically what he did, you know, he was working, you know, he was at the gym, but you don't know how he saw God. You don't know how he felt loved. You don't know one thing he wished he did differently. So things like that we can just open up the floor for a more dynamic, more meaningful conversation if we

You have a real that's like, Top 10 conversation starters or something like that. And I'll be like, Oh, Melissa has this reel. Let's go back. So I'm sure I'm excited to download the full, the full guide. Um, okay. So let's just circle back to my first question. Cause I asked it in like three parts. Basically first question I asked was.

Within this whole bigger question was just like in general, now that we talked about, like, what do you feel like are the biggest struggles people have that are inhibiting that connection? Like what are practical ways to actually increase and deepen connection with your spouse?

So SPICE is an acronym for intimacy. Looking at a whole person because intimacy is not just. Physical. It's not just sexual intimacy is our whole selves and in marriage we need to be focusing on intimacy in many different ways. So SPICE stands for spiritual, physical, intellectual, communicative, and emotional. And it's so practical. There's so many times my husband and I have felt disconnected that we've been like, okay, let's sit down, let's assess. Which of these areas are we doing well at?

Are we connected in? And which of these areas are we doing poorly at? Are we disconnected in? And then we can talk about, okay, so let's say if we're feeling spiritually disconnected, we haven't really been connecting in a spiritual way lately. What does that mean? How do I appreciate connecting spiritually? And how does he appreciate connecting spiritually? Are we going to mass together? Can we go to mass more together? Is that possible? Are we praying together daily?

How do we each appreciate praying together daily? Because for my husband and I, that's different. And I. Connect most through God, most with God through the rosary. And he connects most with God through the divine office and the office of reading. So that having that conversation and like, okay, so maybe some days we can pray the rosary together.

Maybe some days we can do the divine office and then we're both going to be growing closer to God while growing closer to each other, even as simple as asking your spouse, how can I pray for you today is incredibly connecting because. You're getting to know the inner workings of their heart in a deeper way and understanding what's on their mind, what's on their heart, what are they praying for, and it's going to help you know them even more.

When we think about physical, I could talk so much about each of these, but physical is so much more than sex. Although of course for married couples, that's incredibly important. Um, it that's so much more dynamic, we need to be, you know, kissing. Are you kissing for more than point three seconds. Um, and just in passing really quickly. Are you actually spending time giving each other a long hug? Should never be underestimated. That's so connecting for couples.

There's so much research on a hug that's like long and significant or a kiss that's long and significant. Um, more than just a couple of seconds can be so connecting. Sometimes couples are just like passing shifts in the night, not even talking to each other. not spending time with each other. Just like, there's so much going on. There's kids and there's work and there's taking care of the home. And there's so much going on.

So just setting aside time to spend time together, have a meaningful conversation, share what goals are you working on? What are you dreaming of where, you know, just life conversations. Yeah. Is so helpful. So spice is one tool really useful, really practical, really tangible.

The second one, everyone, I don't think there's anyone at this point in the world that's not familiar yet with the love languages, but it's again, one of those like really practical tools that can sometimes be disregarded as like too simple, but it's really the simple things that make the most difference on a daily basis. And if you haven't taken the love languages quiz in a while, they definitely change over time. So I would revisit it if it's been a few years.

Quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts. Um, at this point in our marriage, I am for sure physical touch and AJ, my husband is for sure acts of service and we're complete opposite. Most of the time when we were dating, it was different. He was words of affirmation. I was, um, I think quality time.

And so we just always have to know what is The love language of my spouse so that I can be intentional and they can feel connected because I'm going out of my way when, if AJ will just like just his hand on my leg, just hands, just a long hugger kiss, like I said, him playing with my hair while we're, he's watching a football game. Like the simplest thing makes me feel so connected to him and

Cause I'm like, Yes, these are so freaking good and I love revisiting the spice because I feel like that's like a Nuance that like people haven't heard but also always love driving back the five love languages because I agree I think people have heard a lot about it and just kind of dismiss it as like, oh, that's just like Level one basics and it's like actually it's really hard to master in our experience We are the same as you guys.

I'm physical touch trey's acts of service And our natural disposition I feel like is to just initiate love in the way that we know best so like if i'm like feeling a moment of like butterflies in my stomach i'm like Oh my gosh, i'm gonna go hug him or like i'm gonna go kiss him or like We're on the couch and like literally my foot could just be under his knee and i'm like so content and for him he's just like You Like trying to love me by like getting up and filling up my water or like doing the

dishes or like making breakfast while I get ready And it's easy to miss each other sometimes if we're only loving each other in the ways that we receive love best So it's never too simple. Like you said it's the simple things that I really feel like drive at home. I

It's like, okay Yeah, sure I feel like you are loving us and loving our family and loving me by doing all these like chores for us But I feel most connected when you hug, kiss, rub my back, whatever it is. So that's a really good distinction.

I am a marriage therapist and still, I am generally terrible at loving him through acts of service because it's so hard because it's not my love language and it's not my natural thought. And I have to put so much energy and effort into doing that. Okay. So last. Practical, um, tool for increasing connection on a daily basis. there are four points of connection generally, like this will be different. And especially for you, who you and your husband work together.

So it'll be a little bit different, but generally I think about four points of connection throughout the day. One, when we wake up one, when we like part ways in the morning, one, when we come back together at the end of a workday or whatever was going on that day. Um, and then bedtime when we're going to sleep. And if we, we can either, those four points of connection throughout the day can make or break a relationship.

If you are at each of those points of connection, if we think about making eye contact, greeting each other in a warm way, like that, we actually are interested in each other. We actually like each other. We like, look forward to that connection moment. Um, and then embracing in some way, a hug, a kiss, a hug.

Just the acknowledgement of the presence of the other person where it's so easy that the alarm goes off and you grab your phone and you go on your way and you haven't acknowledged each other or, um, somebody walks in the door. And I remember like early in our parenthood experience, I would be just so tapped out by the time that AJ got home from work. I'd be literally standing in the driveway. He would walk, drive into the driveway. I would.

Essentially toss him a baby and then run away because I needed some time to myself. And at some point he was like, I, that doesn't really make me excited about coming home. And I was like, you're totally right. And I need to figure out how to spend the last hour of my day before you get home in a different way so that I'm not just like sitting, waiting, counting the seconds until you get here. But I'm like actually looking forward to seeing my husband, who I love and miss throughout the day.

And it's not just about what I need, but it's about, you know, Again, making this a moment of connection. And so that makes such a difference if we can master like those four points of connection, doing them well, when we wake up, when we part ways, when we come back and when we go to sleep.

So when I was in grad school, I was in a very liberal, very non Catholic, very non NFP friendly university, um, studying to be a therapist. And I did a whole project to present and like make my case for NFP to our couples counseling class because people didn't know about it. And I wanted therapists to be equipped with the information of something that's incredibly supportive. for married couples.

So first, for couples, married couples who use NFP, um, use family planning, natural family planning in their marriage, the divorce rate is 58 percent lower than couples who don't. Okay, of course, this is not causal. So it's not like use NFP and then, you know, you have no chance of divorce. That's not what I'm saying, but it is significant. It's compelling. It's a very significant statistic and number to pay attention to.

There's something about couples who are practicing natural family planning that make their marriages so much stronger and so much more. Um, long lasting life, lifetime lasting who use NFP in their marriages also report better communication, increased intimacy, um, and many other things. So the research shows that using NFP is supportive to our marriages, how Okay. This is something that couples are learning together.

So going back to spice that we mentioned earlier, the I stands for intellectual. This is a form of intellectual intimacy, couples, learning something together, learning a new skill together. It opens the door for daily communication about fertility, health, family planning, and communication is also another form of intimacy, good communication, having good, meaningful conversations. we're using NFP, couples are supporting each other by going to sessions together.

Even often, I'll have the man doing the charting, um, which is a great way for couples to work together. And it'd be a couple's responsibility as opposed to birth control pills being a woman's responsibility or like condoms being a man's responsibility. But this is something a couple is working on together and being a team. Um, Um, as far as taking care of it. So that makes such a big difference. And then as far as you mentioned, like the spark goes.

when we, my husband and I give the marital sexuality talk for our arch diocese marriage prep, um, retreat. And my husband always describes this honeymoon effect that NFP gives, especially for couples who are using NFP to avoid pregnancy. That means that there's a time, which is the fertile window in the cycle where the couple would be avoiding intercourse.

And so during that time, we have the opportunity to be intentional with loving each other and connecting with each other, um, in a way that maybe we did more of before we were married. Before sex was happening, we were more intentional in different creative ways of connecting.

Then it gives this opportunity to come together again and reunite and, um, have this like wedding night experience all over again, every cycle, which is so beautiful because if we use it that way, this like anticipation and time of looking forward to being together again, it can be so beautiful for keeping that spark alive. Um, and just, yeah, having this honeymoon effect every

greater like emotional. Um intimacy as well within a couple Would you would you say that that's true?

I think young moms, especially with little kids where it's maybe like harder to escape for a little bit with your husband and find those like maybe more intense. date nights. Uh, what advice would you give to them to kind of find that reconnection in their marriage?

And we didn't even really realize it for a little bit, but I think about a month or a month and a half into it at some point, AJ said to me, like, we're doing a great job working as a team to take care of our baby, but I think we're working so much like side to side, looking at the baby, taking care of him. We haven't actually turned towards each other and looked at each other, like basically since he was born and he was right. And that was really helpful to just name that that was happening.

And then to come up with a game plan of Like what can we do to reconnect and maintain our connection as parents now with especially with a little baby who Everything feels urgent because a little baby, a newborn or young kids are fully 100 percent dependent on you and your spouse isn't. They're an adult. They can feed themselves. They can go to the bathroom themselves. They can take care of themselves. And so it's easier to neglect your husband or your wife or your kids.

marriage you can get by, you can live where your baby can't. And so, um, dr. John Gottman, if anyone is not familiar with him, he's a psychologist specifically focused on marriages and has done over 50 years of research on marriages, super great resource for married couples, but he found that 67 percent of couples experienced a decrease in the quality of their relationship in the first three years of marriage. Um, after a baby was born. So just all of this to say, you're not alone.

This is such a common experience. And this was the number one thing that people were coming to me with. Like, this is a problem. How do I manage this? How do I reconnect with my spouse? And so because of that, because it was such a common question last year in October, I launched my marriage connection challenge for new parents specifically.

And. Actually, like it applies to all the challenge applies to all couples, but the examples and the way that the languages is just specifically geared towards that time of life. Cause it's such a time of life, but it's a 14 day challenge with short videos Every day Every day has a theme scripture and like just a really simple challenge that you're able to, um, put in, you're able to have the capacity to do these little challenges. Even if you have a baby that's.

two weeks old, you can spend two minutes of your day connecting with your spouse in a certain way. Um, and the feedback from that was so beautiful. I was hearing from couples that after the first day, they felt more connected than they had in years. And for example, like the first day, the challenge, and I'll share here, the challenge for the first day is just to make eye contact for two minutes. But when we have a newborn, eye contact is not happening at all.

And are we spending quality time together? Are we looking at each other? Are we having these meaningful again, like going back to the basics, but it's just so easy to get away from the basics when we have a newborn. Um, so yeah, going back to the marriage connection challenge. I have a code 15 percent off. They can use the code ever be, um, to join that if that would be helpful for them.

But. Things like date nights, things like eye contact, things like holding hands, like really going back to the basics. How did you feel connected to your spouse before having a baby? Have you done that since having a baby? That's like a question I would start with because

Like when you're doing all these like wonderful things to woo each other and sweep each other off your feet and then you get married and then your points of connection are so much more frequent, but less special, you know, in a way like, you know, we're brushing our teeth together or we're making dinner or we're eating or we're just driving to the next place or whatever. It's just more frequent points of contact, but less. Butterflies are happening.

And so can you talk a little bit about date nights? Why are they important? Maybe some tips on how people can make it a priority if it's something we struggle with right now.

Connection just by existing in each other's presence. We need real quality time and date nights not only offer the opportunity for that quality time, but also encourage us to put in a little bit of extra time, energy, effort into preparing ourselves for our spouse and presenting ourselves. Well to our spouse. So yes, we love each other at baseline.

We love each other as we look when we wake up in the morning, all grungy and everything, but it communicates such an, it's such an active love and communicates love and that the other is important to us, that we care about how they see us, that they're an important person in our life. When we put in a little bit of extra time and energy, um, into preparing ourselves for them, which often happens with date nights, whether it's a date night out or a date night in.

But it's easy to stop doing that when you've been married for some time or just busy or distracted. And,. The other thing with date nights is especially like think about a date night and anything can be special. We just have to make it special. It just means we're turning towards each other and we're intentionally spending time focused on our marriage. I remember something I heard at a marriage retreat when we were first married and it really impacted me a lot. This woman who was.

A more seasoned wife had been married for many years. She said early in her marriage. She just got really comfortable and um, you know, into the rhythm of daily life. And she was a stay at home mom and a stay at home wife. And she was taking care of the home and she just got really comfortable. Like she would go to the gym and she would stay in her workout clothes. And like, maybe she wouldn't get around to showering that day. And at some point her husband made a comment about that. Like, what?

You never get dressed anymore. You never, you know, and she kind of got offended by that first, like,

Who's she loved most in her life who she knew would accept her and love her no matter what she looked like But she was also treating him as if he was the least important. He was not worth, only other people were worth her putting in the effort for. So even looking at a date night that way of like a date night could just be us having dinner together at home, but it just means I put care and energy into. Being here with you and I care about you and there was a little bit of extra

It's, it's not going to feel the exact same, but we can also make that intentional decision to do something a little bit. Out of the ordinary to make it special like we would when we were dating or to even receive it in a special way of just like, Hey, he put his stuff down and like kissed me like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to choose to be like excited about it instead of like, Oh yeah, it's my husband. I get a kiss from him every day. You know what I mean?

So even changing the, the, the mindset on both ends of like, I'm going to make an effort to do something special and make an effort to like receive the intention in a special way as well, I think is, is a helpful tool there.

And the more we pay attention to the little things and appreciate them and express gratitude for them, the more our spouse is encouraged to continue doing more of that. So we should romanticize every

And, um, one thing that I think is a really helpful lens, and maybe I'll just leave everyone with this, is when we go through challenges and difficulties and conflict, In a sacramental marriage, all of that can be used for our good and is so important. is meant for our good. Um, so when challenges come up, we're meant to grow through that and find greater levels of healing through that experience and become more connected to our spouse and to God through that experience.

And so it just brings, I find that brings like, even for me, a lot of hope into, um, my experiences when I'm struggling on my husband and I's worst days together in marriage. It just helps me have hope that of knowing that God is in this with me. He hasn't abandoned me and he's going to find a way to bring goodness out of this because he brings goodness out of everything. So I think that can help us when we're just in the thick of

So if anyone's interested in those services, emailing me is the best way to get in contact, Melissa, grace, a lot of at gmail. com. And then lastly, the resources I mentioned, the marriage connection challenge for new parents, which I'll share the link with you for, um, and the code ever be, we'll give them a discount questions for a better, a better conversations that's the free download and then coming soon. Basics on communication skills, because I know