Victor's

Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about the fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people is completely.

Cool, incidental, all right.

So if a child is lost in the store, they probably just got separated from their parents. Don't assume that it has something to do with human trafficking.

Oh.

Also, if you see a blonde woman back here in the back who's not in uniform, that's my wife.

Okay, you got a white.

What kudos to you, Jerry. I'm surprised, but heck, if I had the money, i'd order somebody from Eastern Europe too.

Stakes to bis nothing, we don't say everything.

Okay, she's not from Eastern Europe, definitely.

She's actually from Georgia.

Okay, so now we know why you have to make one hundred k year.

She's not after my money. Actually, she manages the Joeanne fabrics, so she's doing fine for herself.

It's probably sending most of it back to her family in Tbilisi, the capital of Georgia.

I meant I met Georgia, of the state she's from, making.

I have a.

Picture of her right here.

Look, this is Bethany, whoa who.

Hurt with you something?

He looks like she should be dating an Argentinian soccer player or something.

Jerry, what can I say? I got game?

You tell me not to be weird, but your wife is a full on smoke show. Absolutely smashed that at the first off.

Don't talk about smashing my wife. Okay, I'm gonna draw the line there, and frankly, I'm starting to get a little mad. So guys, let's please keep it professional, okay.

Jerry, I, for one, I'm just happy that you found love. Okay. Honestly, I've been a certified bachelor for will I guess my entire life. I'm still looking for missus right. I'm on all the dating apps, Tender Hinge, Bumble, Women behind Bars, Lady Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Jade, Date, Coffee meets Bagel, plenty of fish. That's one hold up getting a message. Oh my lord, Oh my lord, I have a match. I got a match, y'all, and she messaged me names Darla.

My wife is real by I was kind of hoping that there would be a government shut down, seeing as how all governments are just a form of mind control.

I was kind of looking forward to it all coming to a screech and haul.

Yeah, And I can't believe that Kevin curthy guy barely stopped the government shut down and then Matt Gates got him voted out of the position of Speaker of the House. I mean, what's going on with the Republicans?

You know?

Listen, man, Kevin McCarthy managed to prevent a shutdown and he's still got fired. That just shows you what the government's about. Hey, hold on, we do not do our job here. This dude must have a humiliation fetish. He went through fifteen rounds of vote and to be confirmed, then had his job stripped away by his own party.

This is his own fault. When they elected him speaker, he let them put a clause in that anyone could initiate a vote to fire him. That's bad business. This guy is bad app business. When I got hired at Bywell, I put in a clause that they can't fire me, and I wrote it on the back of my application and permanent marker.

That's why we have to understand and learn what is written on the back of the constitution. There could be all kinds of awesome laws we have no idea about.

That's what I'm saying. We don't know what's on there right like, and it's probably what the secret founders wanted the country to really be.

Like exactly like, instead of thirteen original colonies, it should have been thirteen zones that lived in a state of perpetual war. Or perhaps they had forged and accord with the Atlanteans and we could have states right now out in the Atlantic Ocean.

Hell yeah, and they're all out there with like beach shell bikinis, looking hot as hell, and they're just like going at it there. You know what I mean.

You think it's water World meets Little Mermaid.

No, it's way hotter than water World. I guess it's. Yeah, it's as hot as that first scene in Little Mermaid where Triton's like the live action one, no, no, no, the cartoon Triton's like, here are all my daughters and then this crab's like, I know what's up, and then you never see the daughters again. What's going on with all those daughters.

It turns out that our founding fathers both had to throw off the yoke of King George the Third in Triton, the King of the.

Sea Kevin McCarthy fifty eight.

This means this might be the first time Matt Gates has screwed someone I could legally vote.

It's a circular firing squad and they're just willing to kick a civil servant off to the curve. This is like when all those parents voted to remove me as the school crossing guard just because they quote didn't like my vibe unquote.

I was one of the parents, and you helped a child one at a time cross the street. My children were a half hour late.

Safety is my primary concern.

And you don't hold the ninth grader by the hand crossing the street.

You know, in retrospect, I can see how I lost the War of optics. Did you know you don't even have to be elected to the House of Representatives to be Speaker of the House of Representatives. What a country. Probably because they assumed they wouldn't need a rule for that, much like how the Golden crowd I visited assume they don't need a rule against people adding more food to the buffet. I still maintain that my cricket protein balls

You just brought food in a left buffet.

Yeah, I got a ziploc bag full of cricket protein balls that I added to the buffet somewhere between the chicken fingers and the soft serve machine. I also gave protein balls to the kids that I would bring across the street as a crossing guard, much to the parent's criticism.

Yeah, they probably got you fired protein balls. The kids should never be said in the sentence.

Needless to say, these protein balls will give you the power and self assurance that our friend Kevin McCarthy lacks.

Do you know who would be a great speaker of the house Joe Rogan, because there's literally no one on the planet who's better at speaking, and if people were going to like vote the wrong way, he'd just be like, I guess you don't want to smoke blunts with Chappelle check may everybody wants to smoke blunts with Chappelle.

It's all very complicated, but I can explain what happened with the help of some visual aids. Okay, so imagine this bottle of ketchup is Kevin McCarthy, in this lunchbox is the House of Representatives, and this jar of mayonnaise is Matt Gates. And this claw hammer is the motion of vacate. Okay, see, now that's a huge mess.

Are we just smashing stuff in this room now? Because I'd love that?

Well, now now that I realize I'm the one who's going to be cleaning it up, I regret my decisions. Ah, dang it, Timbo, that was the one chair that didn't wobble.

Who the chair recognizes getting smashed on the floor my.

Guy by Well, oh damn it, y'all. Jerry just gave me a paycheck again. I told him I don't believe in banks and would only like to be paid in cash or precious metals.

Well, then you better go to Costco.

They're selling gold now, like for real, Seriously, they have one house gold bars for sale and.

They keep selling that one. Really.

Yeah, that's crazy. I'm glad I don't work at Costco. Instead of shoplifters. Now I'm gonna have to be dealing with George Clooney in his Ocean's eleven Gang are twelve or thirteen?

Well, I guess if they do it, is it to be fourteen.

It's hard to imagine the Ocean squad like a George Clooney and Brad Pitt trying to swag out in Vegas with some Kirkling signature brand gold bars.

I hate that they put the logo on it. How are you supposed to show it to chicks and pretend you're an international treasure hunter.

And you know it's gonna be at least one guy that's gonna be waiting for the samples. Like when the Gold Lady coming out, they not giving gold samples.

Bro, how would you even sample gold? What are you gonna do? Lick it? Like everybody gets the liquor corner.

To bite the edge like an old prospector.

Man, I would love to be a treasure hunter, just going to like other countries and like taking their shit and be like, man, this is mine.

That's just called being British.

It does make owning gold a little less cool, Like rappers like to have gold and diamonds. But you know if you got it from the wrong place, they'll have something to say, like, bitch, you got Costco gold. Your diamonds are cloudy as hell. Where you get them?

Diamonds from Walmart diamonds?

Yeah, you got Target diamonds. Your point is ain't hitting man, Your diamond's cloudy. Your gold came from Costco, Your baby mama, ain't shit. I can't wait till the disc tracks come out. Man, I'm not getting no Costco gold. You won't see me with Costco go.

It's a volume business, and I understand they're technically a competitor, but it's the best store to shop at if you're trying to supply an underground nuclear bunker. Also, I mean think about it. One hundred pack of toilet paper, ten gallon can of baked beans, a gold bar you can use to barter with gangs of mutant raiders from the outlands. Yeah, Costco is the one.

Gold isn't the only investment opportunity Costco has either. Don't think that, Like I just diversify. I invest in crab legs. The price fluctuates frequently. I freeze them, I peel the sticker off, and I take them back, and I sell them back at a premium every Sunday.

I think Costco has a good business model. Maybe we should be in membership only club as well.

Well.

That way that lady who doesn't wear pants will stop coming in and making deep eye contact with me.

Yeah, normally someone comes in without wearing pants. I'm like, Okay, you're just trying to get right to the point, but there's something else going on there.

Yeah, I mean she wants you to look. That's her whole thing.

You can't sell gold bars if we wanted to. Here, we can't keep people from stealing the goldfish, the crackers, and the actual fish.

Like it's a lot of people.

That come in and try to walk out with an actual goldfish in their mouth.

I thought it was stupid that we started selling goldfish in the first place.

I think our whole aquarium section is fucking wild. I'll be the first to say, we.

Don't sell turtles. How do they take over every tank?

I mean, I found turtles in my lingerie section. You ever want to see turtles in lingerie?

No, I do, but only in a very specific Reddit forum. And the turtles walk on two legs.

Don't you desecrate the dinger turtles?

Where the lady turtle? That's all I'm saying. Why are they all?

He had one? It was Venus de Milo and it was very disturbing, right.

And her color was like light blue or something.

It was very disturbing.

You don't like turtle titties.

At at all, Like, how do they even work?

That's what's so cool about them. They shouldn't work, but they do. Bye Bye, Victor. Victor, My dude, I just wanted to check in before you go on this date, like what's your strategy? Looking like you got this or you need some pointers.

Honestly, Timbo, it's been so long since I met any one. I'm I'm actually a little nervous.

Yeah, yeah, that's okay. So what you need to do is you need to go in there and like nag her. You know what that means. Umm, Basically, you say really mean shit to her to make her feel bad about herself, and then she's like, then she has something to prove to you. You know, you want to go in there and be like, God, you're stupid. Okay, So here's neist watch here, check up.

Gosh, anyone else find a cold in the store.

No, it's so hot. I can't believe your skin is so weak that it makes you feel so cold. Also, that top doesn't go with those shoes.

Nia, I'm wearing my uniform, you dummy. Are you trying to neg me? Are you trying to neg me?

Victor? When she called me dumb, I was like, hold on, am I attracted?

Oh?

That's right, you have your date. First off, do not listen to Timbo Victor, listen to me. I'm a woman, I know how to date. So when you first go out, make sure you get some drinks, but you don't get too drunk, because then you're gonna start mouthing off about the NBA and how you could have played ball. You could have been balling harder than Steph Curry if you hadn't torn your rotator cuff. And Victor, whatever you do, do not piss all over her bathroom, all over the

Okay, well yeah, these are very specific notes.

But if she has kids, make sure you really watch them, you know, don't just say you're going to watch them and you're watching the sports and one of them sticks a corner in the nose and has to go to the er, like take her on a date, really treat.

Her right, extremely specific advice. Thank you, niya, and don't worry. As a custodian, I'm i'm I'm well aware of the dangers that the bathroom can can reveal. Nagging and clean bathroom victim.

Man.

Look, just come over here, my lock. I got a few things I can Okay, yeah, put that up to you. Yeah, you see it.

So it is this sort of a sort of a distressed jacket. Now what does fu boo mean?

Exactly?

Yeah, no, see is for us, by us, So you can wear it, but like, don't get crazy. Don't think like you can say the N word or nothing like that. Hold on, look, check this out. Try this all right here?

Look at this, lord, don't I don't think i've ever seen pants this skin Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's what it's about. Skinny jeans and fat shoes. It shows you got money right here, lord.

Look at all these zippers to nowhere.

Oh yeah, those zippers are not real. You're just gonna touch your thigh every zimple you open. It's gonna be straight to them. But you can get kind of freaky with it too. So that's the thing. The access all right, Yeah yeah, zipped you at the knee and she crept up. Yeah you see all right, you go all right, you're gonna be all right, You're gonna be all right.

Check this out, Check this out. The these glasses, you got to put these on.

Man.

You gotta put your shades on. Man, don't take off of nobody.

These are yeah, now I blacked them out. Put them on.

Once you're sitting down like like like like, look where you're going by looking over them.

I gotta say, I'm really only seeing really just the fluorescent lights are making it right.

I wanted to come in and just say, before you go on your date, Victor, we believe in you and we know you can do this.

Well.

Well, thank you, Jerry, thank you every much.

Why I had Liz set up this two way microphone so we can listen in on your date and tell you exactly what to say so that it all goes perfectly.

Hold on, am I some sort of joke to y'all? Are you sending me to this date with a two way microphone so you can do some sort of covert ops listening in on me? Jerry that is outrageous, so outrageous that it just might work. Well, got another one, just caught a woman with a dog in the store and had to kick him out. Well, Feller was wearing a don't pit me, I'm working jacket. Yeah, as if victory.

That woman was blind.

Oh so maybe she didn't know the dog was with her.

This is a C and I dog man.

Joe, did you surely just kick Biden's dog Commander out of the White House because he kept biting Secret Service members? That's like whatever the opposite of a service dog is. That's like an anti service dog, anti secret service dog.

But let's be honest. All German shepherds are Republicans, all of them. Maltese though those are liberal bitches.

It's kind of their own fault for naming that dog commander, Like, how do you expect him to know that you're in charge? His name is commander.

You salute the rank, not the dog.

So I don't know. Maybe Biden has one of those racist dogs. Are any of these secret Service members black? You know how people like the dog will bark at you and they'll be like, oh, he never does this, and I'm like yeah, because you're never around Black people. That's why he never does this. He's from that lineage of people that was down there during Jim Crow. He's a Boycott German Shepherd breed. Like do they trick that paperwork? Twenty three and meter this dog? Let's get his background.

And we know how those German shepherds vote GOP GOP.

Can can German severers vote. I think the dog's probably just angry, which I would be too. If someone had cut my nuts off, that anger would never fad. There's no statute of limitations on the ball's ectomy. You cut off my balls. I am biting everything with two legs until they take me down.

Did you know there was a second dog that has left the White House for biding people? What the hell are these bidens doing with these dogs? Is Hunter giving them crack?

I'm telling you it's the names right. The older dog was major, the younger dog is commander. So the younger dog outranks the older dog, which is very confused. We need a dog. We need General the dog, and General the dog shows up and they'll play down the law. And then we need President dog, and the President dog will keep the general dog in line.

Well, it's all chemical really, like you're saying, it's hormonal, and some people give off a pheromone that dogs just instinctively dislike. They can't help it. I mean, I had a dog trying to buy me as I walk to work today. It's no one's fault. It's just that the dog.

The dog.

Stop, make eye contact, Bye.

Bye.

I just got to take off these shoes. After I'm done here, I have to do the dog walking gig, and then on the weekends I drive for greb Hub And when I have time in between all those three jobs, I work on my ETSYT.

Yeah, it's like a hustle economy out there, like that that cop in Minneapolis who got recognized at a traffic stop because she also has an only Fans where she has sex with her husband, and.

I give a whole new meaning to the phrase fuck the police.

She'd better not be using that night stick on her only Fans page. That's government property, and my tax dollars shouldn't have to pay for your butt stuff.

Do you think that happened, because like, okay, maybe first she was a stripper. They used to dress up as a cop, but then it turned out when she like put on the uniform. She was like, oh no, I'm actually qualified to be a cop.

The stripper of the cop pipeline is very slam. Not a cop with a strip pipeline is a little bit more feasible.

Okay, okay, I mean my batch the Red Party, I employed at least three stripper cops.

It's really tricky where you don't know if someone in a uniform is a stripper or a cop. And pornography is only promoting unrealistic expectations because like the other night, a cop pulled me over and she was like, er, licensed registration please, And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, officer. Have I been a bad little boy? She was like, you were going seventy five and a forty five and

You know, all you want to do is spend a few minutes engaging in some intimacy with yourself, just some whole, some marital intercourse. And now the police state has my credit card number, I mean your credit card number. If you were the hypothetical person in this made up story.

I think you need to feel shame about this, Victor, and I don't see why we as a society can't celebrate her body and her ability to do her job.

You know, I support her though.

I mean, we finally got an officer that doesn't turn off a body can when she does, I'm dirty.

That's refreshing.

Bye, Okay, Victor. The mic is set up. We can hear everything you too are saying in the coffee shop. We believe in you, Victor. Just say you what we tell you to say.

Copy.

Yeah, Victor says something anything.

Nobody's talking, So, Darla, how's your coffee? You know it's a natural laxative.

Okay, maybe don't talk.

Coffee's good, Victor?

Thanks, Okay, you got a nick be like, Oh man, this is what you look like. You're hot. Your picture is garbage, but you're hot.

You're awfully sweaty. You must be quite hot. Maybe it's just the atmosphere of the shop, but just glowing like.

A horse, uncomfortable.

Hey, Victor, is she looking for some new fall clothes? Because you could tell her about by Well's special with Women's Crew next sweaters twelve dollars.

No one should wear those sweaters.

No, don't, don't, don't.

Don't.

Just be honest with them, Victor, tell us something you really care about.

Okay, you know, Darla, I recently had COVID.

Oh yeah, that's probably not the way to go.

Bud, And having experienced the virus, I no longer think that it was created as a means to lower the population and instigate the Great Reset. I'm now convinced that the Deep state's real end game was the vaccine. They wanted to in plant hit so their quantum computers could monitor our conversations.

Okay, everyone, that was a good try, But it looks like Victor started talking crazy stuff and the date is probably over somehow.

I'm just going to go hells and shut this off. Here.

By deep states, I assume you mean the lizard people who I'm referring to as the archons, and they're not just monitoring our brainwave patterns. The batteries of their starships are actually fueled by our neuro activity. They're literally draining our intellect to power their technology. So if you've been feeling tired lately, that's gotta be it.

Well, Darling, that is an interesting theory.

Excuse me, Victor, I actually have to go take a tink.

Oh uh, bathrooms right back there.

The coffee exactly. This one's number two. I lied the first time.

Wow, Victors, she's perfect.

You or.

Just wow, that is definitely gonna be a pass from me. No, y'all, did you hear that bologney about the lizard people? The batteries of their spaceships are fueled by our brain's neural activity. No. No, they are cultivating our population so that they can dine upon the flesh of our young. I mean, where is she getting this stuff?

Victor? Is it the Jerry situation? She is way harder than you. You need to lock this down now.

Also, I gotta say she didn't bring up how I look in my foboo jacket once. Anyway, there's a few other fine damsels in this coffee shop. Perhaps I can come see who else is available. Hello there, miss, the name is Victor. I've been glancing at the screenplay you're writing over your shoulder. I have a couple notes. Would you care to exchange your dresses?

Victor? Is this in front of yours?

I think it's best if perhaps some uh go uh coffee's doing a number on my inards.

As well.

Okay, yeah, I'm up for a walk.

Okay, I'm gonna walk very quickly.

Have you seen these legs. I'm basically a daddy long legs. That's what he's to Carmen Jim.

Really keeping up with me, y'all.

Let love win.

She's got spider legs, just like on your vision for.

I'm not gonna be able to outrun them.

I was gonna turn off the mic, but now I want to see where this goes, saying help, I'm being tackled.

Oops, I fell. Now that I've got you in my clutches. It we do like a little role player. I'm a priangmantis and you're my husband.

Huh oh lord, they kill after they mate, it's all happy. Oh my gosh, boy, this for a freeway embankment. This is very comfortable.

Wow, that's a really tight grip.

I've actually steen here over night.

What a woman?

Oh my pillow is still here?

Bye? Well.

Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia.

Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes.

It is executive produced by Ron Howard Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed.

By Alloy Tras.

Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Roneller.

Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by James Odomier. Nia is played by Keisha Zler.

Shilah is played by Suba Argiwaal, and Darry is played by Jared Logan.

Bye Well