Smoking

Attention Shoppers.

Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about a finitional big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people is completely coincidental.

Okay, well, I have y'all in here in the break room before we open the store. I'm gonna do a couple of announcements to get us started off here. And remember there's no feed up on the tables here in the breakroom, especially without your shoes on. But just in general, and hey, Victor, we got this wet spot here. I think we need to put out the caution wet floor sign right here, thank you very much. And how come all the chairs are all at this one table? Guys, we need to evenly distribute the chairs.

Okay.

I don't want like a popular click that I'm not in all hanging out at one table. Okay, Like we can all hang out together, in fact, even after hours, if anybody he wants to like hang or like just go to the bar or chat or just you know, straight out chill, like hit me up, because like I'm around.

Lewis nothing We don't say everything by.

Okay, y'all, I thought it would be really fun if we played a little game today, okay, And what I thought we could do is that each of us could state a goal that we have for our work here at Buy Well.

Today, I'll start to give you an example of what I mean. Okay, I want to make at least three customers smile today.

By completely leaving them alone.

All right, that's Robert. Do you have a goal that you'd like to share? Yeah, okay, go ahead, Yeah, I'm gonna find a better job.

All right.

Well, if you're gonna find a better job, please do that on your lunch break, Liz.

I mean, on a personal level, I really want to try to get down to four diet cokes a day, down from six, if I can do it. Fingers crossed. But I think I'm also going to send my store manager an article about loneliness so he can see that some of these woo woo activities he plans for us are really just a cry for help.

Well, I think this has been really fun and really useful.

And oh hey, Arnold, Hi, Hi, everybody, so nice of you to join us.

Where were Arnold?

I just added the loading dock smoking my morning cigarette.

Okay, Well, although you are allowed to smoke on the loading dock, you really miss out on a lot of the fun we are having here in the break room now.

Jerry, I'm hearing all of it. I leave that door cracked open. I can hear everything y'all are talking about.

So if we go smoke on the loading dock, we don't need to be here for this morning meeting. Team building garbage is what you're saying.

You onto something. Oh, I gotta go, Yeah, I do that.

I probably have a couple of old cigarettes. I'm just gonna go check my laun.

No, I guess I could have tea tea, a couple more guys.

Hey, guys, are you okay? Okay?

Oh lord, Robert, there are too many damn blue haired old ladies in the store today. I tell you, looked out there and it looked like a damn bowl of Frankenberry cereal.

This country too old as it is. Did you see Mitch McConnell at the press conference? He just went blank. They asked him if he was running for re election, and he just shut down and just started staring at the wall like he was looking off in space, like he was here and kill bill, Sirren's.

You don't have to steer it back to him. He is overwhelmed. He's not like these old bitches driving around with nothing to do but slow people down at the checkout. He's in charge of making sure Congress doesn't do nothing.

Yeah, Republicans are so worried about the woke ma. Meanwhile, their minority leader can't stay awake.

You know what.

Honestly, Liz, maybe he just thought it was a stupid question, all right, And then fact that is a power move.

All right.

Next time you ask me if I'm done with the coffee machine, I'm just gonna stare off into space for thirty seconds.

I love this.

I love it too. I don't get to hear you talk for thirty seconds. The Republicans won't let this guy step down because they don't want to lose his seat in Congress. They'd rather that seat be covered in urine.

Oh, y'all so quick to jump on Mitch McConnell. He's only a year older than Biden, y'all. When Mitch McConnell gets light headed, maybe he stops talking. Biden, However, he'll just keep running his mouth, yammering on about malarkey and whether the dead people are there or not. He is out and proud with his dementia. I'll give him that.

Ms McConnell. I see why he's slowed down Congress. He's got a turtle face. It's just manifested. Is coming out Oo's works in mysterious ways. I just saw that new teenage mutant Ninja Turtles. You don't know how it affects people.

I've been a Mitch McConnell hater for years, and I will say that of all the shitty things Mitch McConnell's done, making me feel sorry for him has got to be the worst.

Wait a minute, isn't Mitch McConnell from Kentucky. That's the state that was fighting to keep up them Confederate statues, right, it only makes sense he wants to beat a statue hisself.

Oh, he's trying to replace the statue.

Yes, he is gonna freeze.

They are gonna dip him in bronze and stand him up in the middle of some square somewhere where they used to sell black people.

By Bright.

Check it out.

Got a package deal from a family trip. I'm excited. We're going to SeaWorld. Can't wait to go to sea World. They have a one part of the park where my kids can ride a dolphin like a jet ski.

You right wingers love your trips. I mean, did you see where Clarence Thomas just admitted he took three trips on a private jet owned by Harlan Crowe.

Hey, Harlan Crow, that's that donor guy right. I heard he took Clarence Thomas on like a whole trip to Indonesia on a yacht. It amazes me how bad some people want a black friend.

I will say I am jealous of Clarence Thomas. I used to get offered vacations like that from the old rich gentlemen, but they were always working vacations, if you know what I mean. They would take me on a trip, and there is no ocean view that can't be ruined by a geriatric ball sack just dripping down.

They do get longer with age, I've noticed, Oh honey, I know.

They said, Harlan Crow pay for two years of private school and bought Clarence Thomas's mama house. And then this man just said that's what friends do. If that's what friends do, my friends ain't shit. I got terrible friends. They don't even pitch in when we go to Buffalo Wild Wind.

I think that the gay Republicans and the Black Republicans have got to stick together. We are mythological creatures, unicorns and leprechauns. Baby, we can rub each other's bellies for good luck, you know it.

Sometimes you could just tell if somebody evil man's name is Harlan crow That sounds like a John wickvillein Tim Bucks says, if Harlan Crowe saw Clarence Thomas without his judge rob On, he'd hand him his luggage. He's gonna find out. It's like when they treated Oprah crazy because she didn't have her hair done.

Those damn meth heads just walked in the store again. Oh now, somebody better call over to pharmacy and tell him to lock up the pseudo fed baby.

Well, don't blame me. I turned my location off when I come into work now because these damn tweakers follow me everywhere.

Wow.

But you know it's not just that, it's everything else in this country. They're making marijuana llegal everywhere, and it's the gateway I read where the Department of Health and Human Services just this last week they're trying to change the legal status of that damn marijuana, making it a schedule three instead of a schedule one. Drug changing that damn schedule more than they do down here at Bye.

Well.

I'm just concerned that marijuana is a gateway to other stuff, you know, you know, like anime, fish concerts.

Oh lord, you tell me about it. I had some younger fella over one time. You put on fish for me Fish It sounded like somebody took three old guitars and dropped them down a waterfall.

Whatever you guys. It should be legal, but it needs to be used responsibly. I mean, it can be both creative or destructive. Marijuana brought us Bob Marley, but it also brought us Russell Brand and I use I'm a cool mom, Okay. I sometimes have a little puff on a joint after the kids go to bed, or when I'm driving them to soccer practice, or maybe just like a little toke in the bathroom at the PTA meeting. I'm cool.

We needs to be legal.

I just hate that I can't buy it from the people that used to buy it from. I hate going to dispensaries. That's not how I like to buy drugs. I don't buy drugs with all the lights on. That's weird. You're supposed to buy drugs in a dimly lit trap house with one light on in the kitchen, and you can't really see what's going on, and you just stick your money in the light and then somebody hand comes out of the dark, grabs your money. It gives you

Some of those trap houses sound familiar for different reasons to me. Where it's dark, there's one light bulb, you give somebody the money and they give you what you want.

Good God, I never went that deep in there.

Well neither did I, but it got that deep into me.

Listen, weed is a soft drug, Okay, it's a Schedule two, Schedule three. Harder drugs are called schedule one drugs. And I get that cause, like, if you're smoking crack, it is like the only thing in your schedule. It's like the one thing, you know, Like every space in your day planner is like do crack, new crack, new crack, you know, like that's the one thing you're focused on.

Hey, ronold girl, what you're doing out here? I didn't know you spoke?

Well, I go in and out based on you know what's happening politically. But Jerry's always in the break room. So if I'm out here smoking, I'm not in there with Jerry. See how that works. See Timbo out there.

The lord, Honey, why do you think I've been out here puffing on them all day?

Damn, it's been years since we had a hot fork left operator out here.

They usually come in here looking like a waffle house special. I don't know where they got him from. They dragged him from twenty four hour fitness. Maybe he's got an extra eight hours in the day.

Lord, huh huh, yes, queen, go.

Off now, girl, don't you go trying to make me your gay friend.

ARNOLDA.

I got enough of them down at the slapping dime, and I don't need none others that have long hair and don't got any whiskers.

Please, Arnold, come on. There's like nobody fun in Harrisburg. I need you. I have so many opinions about drag racing. No one to talk to, honey.

There's message boards.

I can be fun.

I'm looking for three things between the legs, honey, and you ain't got not one of them.

Uh, little man drapped in here.

The word we are just going out, Rich, m oh yeah, anyway we go love cigar?

Yes it is. I love a QB after a hard day's work, one big fat qb.

Well, first of all, it's ten am, and second of all, this is like the most offensive smell. Rich, Can you stand down wind of me? That thing is so gross.

We're in a loading dock, there's no wind, liszt.

We're not on a boat.

Oh God, watching you suck on that thing is going to give me nightmares.

I can't believe y'all out here smoking. It's bad for you. It destroys your lungs. It shortened your lifespan. That's why vight. Yeah, it's a lot safer. It's like the blue tooth of smoking, instead of inhaling smoke.

You download.

Hey, y'all, y'all aure Jerry, you damn fool you let the door.

We had that propped.

Now we got to walk quarter mile back to the front.

Yeah, it is a big stort. Anybody wanna give me one of those cigarettes, Liz? Can I have one of those Virginia slims off you?

Yeah?

Here you go, Jerry, you could take my last one. I'm gonna start the walk around to the front. I'll let you guys in see you.

Oh man, what a conundrum? Stay out here with Jerry or walk with Liz? Is this what hell is?

Well, there's a short cut. There is a short cut. Y'all aren't gonna like it. If somebody can help me move this trash bag out of here. We can crawl in through the meat department trash chute and get in that way. But you're gonna be covered in pork all day.

We just take a nice long pull off of this Virginia slim.

I may have yeah, thank you, Robert. I may have let the wrong end.

That's it. I'm gonna crawl in through the trash chute. I'm not sitting through this ship.

I'll just walk around.

Guys, they got.

Anybody's still out there? Hello, God, damn it. I'm stuck in this damn thing like Lenny the pooh Me squeezed in here with a bunch of pigpeckers.

Holy shit, bye.

Bye way.

This memo says our biwill has too much shrinkage. That's what they call shoplifting. Why they gotta make it a penis thing?

Well, honey, don't come complaining to me. You know, if they were gonna make it a boob metaphor, they'd have to call it saggage and baggage. You wouldn't be happy about that either. But you know, also, unfortunately crime is up all over the damn country with Biden in charge. I don't know if you want to hear it, but just this last week in Chicago, there is a news crew reporting on a robbery and they got robbed themselves

Yeah, I saw I saw that story too. Who were these guys gonna sell a stolen TV camera?

To?

Like? Are there criminals out there filming reality pilots? Are the gangster disciples trying to get a Bravo deal? What's the market for that?

You know?

I'm just gonna point it out. Obama spent a lot of time in Chicago.

Mmm.

I'm not sure how that's exactly connected with the robbery, but just want to point it out.

A guy tried to rob me one time, but I just started talking about all of the socioeconomic injustices that had brought him to that point. In his life, and he decided it wasn't worth it and he just walked away.

Clearly what this comes for as arming cameraman.

All right.

Luckily they're already familiar with the terms aim and shoot and the boom mic guy should have nune chucks. You can call him boom boom sticks. We make the whole thing work.

I really hope they make their own news in it. That would be great. The criminals covering the crime. We're on the scene first because we did it.

Did I just hear hip hop playing over the bi well Pa system.

Yeah, they playing the Musac version of like all the like two thousand rappers. I heard like Muzak Diddy. They had a Musak Snoop. The other one they just played was Musak fifty cent.

So ugh that guy, did you hear? He just threw a microphone into the crowd at a concert and he hit a woman in the head. She had to go to the hospital. Brandy Carlisle would never throw microphone into the audience. I mean one time I saw her chug and toss a plastic kombucha bottle, but that was thrilling. On the other hand, you went to a fifty cent concert you had to know it was going to be painful.

You know.

Fifty cent and I actually have a lot in common, you know, because i've I've I've taken a bullet before, you know, although in my case it was because of another hunter mistook me for a deer.

And having sex. I ain't making love. I remember that, I remember it. Remembered. It played in the background for two years every time I was hooking up with somebody, that was the song. And let me tell you, he looks good. Fifty cent looks good for a man who's almost fifty cent years old. They say black don't crack. It's not my place to say it, but honey, I know something about the cracks, and it doesn't happen in his case.

I didn't know you were a fifty fan.

Man.

Now you wearing that G unit tank top makes so much sense.

I get it now, dude, dude, dude, but I do.

Hey, Arnold, why are you out at the loading dock?

Mmmm?

Oh yeah, we were just having a little smoke break altogether.

Well, y'all can enjoy that, Arnold. What you're doing in here, man, You gotta see this. I brought a pre roll joint out there and Jerry smokes.

So yeah, he.

Keeps saying he's seeing colors. It's crazy. You've got to get out here, Arnold.

Well that is for y'all to enjoy. I will see. I'll hear your stories about it.

What are you in here?

Well? I quit smoking. Thank you for asking. I was waiting for someone to bring it up. I quit smoking.

Do Come on, man, are you what you like puffing? You said it, Arnold?

You can't quit, honey.

I can quit whenever I want to quit, seventeen damn times. Mm hmm, yeah, y'all. Look at this. I got nicotine patches covered me up from crotch to crown. I'm covered in nicotine patches. It's almost like an undersuit.

You know what that's?

This is how many boxes and nicotine patches?

Is this?

At least take the ones off your nipples.

Those aren't nicotine patches. Those are electro cardiogram patches that I keep on there. I don't need y'all. Wherever y'all are is where I'm not gonna be. You're gonna be teen building out there doing your corporate bullshit, puffing on your cigarettes. I'll be here by myself.

All right. I tried I'm out of here. I'm gonna go look at Timbo for a few more minutes and have a smoke. Robert, you want to come with?

Yeah, I think I got it a little time before I got to be back on the clock.

At least enough for one more.

I'll come.

Mm mm hmmm mmmm mmm. Look at them ruining their lives.

Hey, what's up, Arnold? I'm going man?

I thought I had the room to myself for a second. Hello, Jerry, Well you do have.

It to yourself, because I am not anybody?

Really?

Am I? Am I someone to you? Or am I someone even to myself?

Oh? What the fuck? Very few people.

Can decide who they am if you think about it, because there's too many ways to look at it.

Your identity?

You know, Jerry, you are squinting like somebody at burning Man with the dust storm, and you're sounding like cheaching song.

Did you get hi hunting man?

I always wanted to feel what it would be like to put your hand in fire.

Well, you can come try out the toaster in the meat section if you want to. You would do that for me, honey, I would do anything to get you out of my face.

Well I'm not in your face.

Man.

Okay, because you're on your little track. Man, everything is made of circles. You're a circle.

Don't you come at me saying I look like a circle.

Honey, I'm a circle. Look at all these circles. Look at this. Look at this plate.

That's a circle. These tables are circles.

Ah, good lord, you know what. I am gonna go take my break in the car.

By Employees Only. Is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Farnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Kloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Pealisi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Broneller. Victor is by Ross Bryant, Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold

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