Revvy

Attention Shoppers.

Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about the fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people is completely coincidental.

By all right, everybody, Judge Jerry is calling this breakroom to order. While I have you all here before we open the store. I got a couple announcements. We are instituting a new policy and sporting goods. All right, We've got a couple of guys that come in and they want to just hold the gun, aiming it stuff.

They kind of.

Finger the gun and then they don't buy it. Right, So I'm putting up their photos here in the break room. Tell these guys they can only hold the gun if they're likely to buy it.

Jerry, Hey, Harry, how the hell are they supposed to know what they want to buy?

The damn thing? If they can't feel the shaft of the gun in their hand.

Well, they can hold it. They just they have to buy it if they hold it. I had to buy everything I held.

Lois nothing we don't.

Say by everything. By and finally, uh, we are gonna be wearing these badges going forward here. If everybody would just take one, could you please put these on your your uniform top.

And just what the hell is these badges?

Say?

Ask me about Revy?

What?

What is REV? Revy is?

Uh?

You know, it's a new program that uh that the store will be implementing.

It is a customer initiative.

I don't know what it means. This could be some white supremacy stuff, y'all could get me canceled.

Well, I don't know about that.

But revy is what we used to call it when you'd sniff coke right out of a fellow's tush.

Yeah, Revy is not a sex thing, Jerry?

What is REV?

You are the king of too much information and too many details, and right now you're just asking us to wear a button that says ask me about REV.

But you're not telling us what Revy is. What's going on?

Okay? I don't know what REVE is? Okay?

Is that what you wanted me to admit? REVE is a national bye well initiative. Okay, there's gonna be a couple test stores to try it out, and it's very important that our store.

Do well with REVY. Whatever REVE happens to.

Be great, I will put the badge on as soon as you find out what reve is.

I will find out and then when people ask you, I will know and I will share that with.

You will Honey, I'm too old to be doing any damn rev unless it's a Saturday night down at Crystals.

Bye.

Well, Barbie did it, first movie directed by a woman to break a billion, But honestly, for me, it wasn't feminist enough. I thought it was going to be more like women talking. You know, call me when you make a movie about the American girl dolls. Okay, those girls survived slavery in two world wars. That is strength and adversity. Cellulate, that's Barbie's biggest fears, Cellulate.

I mean, of course it made a billion dollars. Like Barbie's been the number one girl's toy for what five six generations. Look at all the boys toys that got movies before we even got one. I mean, like, come on.

What are we on?

Like Transformers?

Twelve file that Anniontorio Barbie's last year. For Christmas, they got a book of essays by Friendly Woitz and I got them some Lilith fair merch.

You know then, did I'm sure they loved that?

You know? Oh?

Well?

I would not go to play with a doll that if it was life size, it would topple over by the size of its humongous tits.

That's not happening, not in Liz's house.

Liz, you are complaining that Barbie isn't far left enough. If it was any further left than what I saw, it would have been a ho g minh trail. I played with Barbie's.

I played. Don't get me wrong, I love the damn toys. Ma. Mama said that she knew I was gay, not because of plagued with them my.

Sister's Barbie's, by the way, but because I cut her hair like Betty Davis. I thought it looked classy. I gave her a cigarette, I gave her some magazines. I would put her out by the pool. I'd fill up the sink and pretend that Barbie was out by the pool with a long telephone on a cord, gossipin. And you know, after my mama and my sister went to bed, that's when I started playing with Ken. I had Ken sucking on g I Joe's like he was a lollipop.

Well, then, I'm.

Sure you love the movie because there were all these Kens. The Ken's got a dance number. The Ken's got a whole plot line. I mean, the movie might as well have just been called Ken.

Now now she's jealous a Ken.

They had that Hurley Quinn girl up there yapping about how hard it is to be a woman.

Honey, that may be true.

But the one thing that is harder for me to sit through then watching someone be a woman and is having to hear another monologue about how hard it is to be a woman.

I can't believe I'm about to agree with Arnold on this.

Well, you know, there was some very sexy stuff that happened in that Barbie movie, despite the liberal communist Poul what. I love that Seemulu, I love that Ryan Gosling, I love the two of my I loved all of them Kens.

The movie was incredibly heteronormative. Did you not have any feelings about that? There were no Kens together, there were no Barbie Barbie's together. There was just boy girl Barbie Pears.

Honey.

I lived in Atlanta ten years. I am perfectly fine in the heteronormative world. And you could put me in a Mojo Dozo Casa house. Even though Ken doesn't have anything down there, He's gonna have a fun time, Arnold.

I feel your Mojo Doojo Casa House would be very sticky all services.

I would be scared to go in.

Well, honey, then you can meet me at a third location.

Doesn't it feel like Hollywood is regressing?

In the nineties, we had movies about adult issues, and then it was all superheroes, and now it's Barbie. In ten years, it's going to be like and the Oscar goes to this Little Piggy went to Market, directed.

By Ann Coulter, bye Way.

Well that's four for four for Trump indicted number four quatro quatroll.

I just cannot.

I know all y'all hate Donald Trump, but you must admit skipping that debate was a stroke up genius. Don't ever stand on a debate stage with five goons who don't know what the hell they're doing. Only one of them that looked any good was Vivek Ramaswammy. I would consider him as a candidate and anything else if he wanted to. He's young, dark and handsome.

That's what I watch it for. It's not about politics no more. It's about what is Trump gonna say? Imagine what he was gonna say to Ramu swammy. He probably said your name sound like a Harry Potter spell. I'm not listening to you.

He would have went crazy, you know.

He called Christy Krispy Kreme one time and act like it was an accident.

He was like, Krispy Kree, excuse me.

I was like, Yo, this dude is crazy. I can't wait till politics get all the way to the point where it's just wrestling man. Like I think Trump might say he not coming to the next debate, and he gonna come up from the ground like the Undertaker with fire and sparks coming out.

Why is he allowed to run four indictments If you have one indictment, I don't even think they let you rent a car. He could actually win the election and pardon himself. Like I've started.

Smoking again, Virginia slims. Those are disgusting. I'm eating all these transvats. I might start macro dosing mushrooms. I don't know what to do.

I can't.

I don't want to rain on your parade, but you're going to have to take them floats and drive them back to the garage, because you know, these indictments are bullshit. There ain't no way that one man could break that many laws at the same time. It's physically impossible. They are trying to railroad him, and I know something about that.

Whatever you say, Arnold, but I just think four states, four different charges. There's no way he's getting off scott free on all of them.

Do you think that the first prosecutor is mad everyone else is stealing his thunder these other indictments like wearing white to a wedding.

I don't know.

I never thought I'd be taking this side of Georgia. You know, there's Confederate flags down there like welcome matts. But here I am go Georgia.

How are you gonna say, go Georgia when you they're having us believe that Georgio went for Joe Biden.

That doesn't make no sense.

Republican governor, the Republican lieutenant governor, and the Republican Secretary of State said the election wasn't stolen. That's people on your team. That's like that commercial where that dumb ass kid tells that the ball was out on him.

Go ahead, Robert, put him in jail.

Y'all realize if you're gonna indict him, you're gonna give him another million votes.

If he goes to jail, he's gonna be good. The Arian Brotherhood is gonna love him. They already getting tattoos of him with a Hitler mustache. And then the Black dudes. They just want to know about Snoop Dogg and Omarosa and what's Lil John really like in his real life? And can you get in my mixtape?

He's pretty charismatic, you know.

I hate to say it.

I don't want to think about Trump being popular in jail.

You're right, though, it's getting his numbers up. Every time he gets indicted, his numbers go up.

Robert's right about that.

If you throw him in prison, he's gonna be like our Nelson Mandela. He's gonna be exactly like our Nelson Mandela. But for people like us who watch Yellowstone.

By look at this. The Biden administration is getting rid of junk fees. Junk fees, you know, like the extra fees they text you on stuff for everything.

Joe Biden thinking he can get my vote just by saving me sixteen dollars and ninety nine cents out of the twelve month calendar year. Honey, you're robbing us bond. You think I can't read the news about bitcoin. What's happening to the US dollar? They're sinking it like a rock into a swamp. Hell, you saw that song. Dollar ain't worth shit.

You know how many junk fees I done paid in my life for everything? Ticketmaster? Come on, man, ticket Master is a plantation. That's why Master's in their name. They take money from you from shows you don't even go to. How how to Beyonce affect my pockets? I have never seen her? What am I paying for? It was a behive feed I ain't getting no honey.

Yeah.

It's like when you show up to Great Wolf Law for a romantic weekend with your estranged husband, trying to make things work, and you get this seventy five dollars resort fee and I'm like, is this for the huge champagne glass shaped bathtub because I thought that came included.

Yeah. I don't go to hotels no more. I just go to Airbnb.

Well, I will tell you Airbnb is a fine place to get some AIRPNP.

Airlines can't charge you to sit by your kids anymore? Why can't they do them like the dogs? When did dogs and kids start being allowed on planes? Bring back cigarettes on planes? And put kids and dogs up under that bitch like they used to in the fifties.

I agree with you on all of that, Robert. They got the seat squished so far damn together. You can't even cross your legs at the knee like you should be able to if somebody, If somebody sets me off, I will start kicking that seat like a four year old.

I'll drive them nuts too.

I'll start kicking that seat and singing baby Shark, Bye.

God, damn it, Cherry, Liz, can you believe you put me on the schedule for Labor Day? Like that's my family's tradition. We don't work on Labor Day. It's called labor Day. So annoyed.

Yeah, we should be completely closed on Labor Day. And every year I try to get you guys to form a union. Every year we have an impasse when we try to decide on the logo. I think it should be Rosy the riveter in a biwall uniform holding a can of diet Coke.

I'm happy to model for.

A right Honey, Listening to you is like watching MSNBC. If there is anything I'm less interested in than just unionize it in general in the first place, then it's doing it under some kind of Rosy the Riveter shirt. If you want me marching in that parade, you better make it Ricardo the Riveter. And I want to hear his economic plan, and it better be free market, you know what.

Making it a non binary person is a great idea, Arnold. But listen, you are happy with the way things are, You're going to be just making pastrami sandwiches on Labor Day when.

You should go, Honey, I'm not working. I'm not.

I have let everybody at Crystals know that I will be doing absolutely no work on Labor Day and that includes any kind of topping or even versatile topping. So if you want this, honey, you can better understand that the only sweat on my body this weekend is going to be yours.

Well that's what I said to them, not to you, of course.

Yeah, of course we knew. We knew what you met, Arnold.

Okay, I'm back, Hello, everybody. I have found out what Revey is.

Oh good, it's a Labor Day miracle.

And what is it, Jerry.

It's a new program that they're trying out at only a few stores. Are store is one of the stores, Lucky enough to try it out, and if I can make it a success at this store, they're gonna put me on the company website.

So that's exciting.

Wow. On the website, my face will not be on the front page of the of the website. But you go to the front page and then there's a news page, and then you have to there's a map. You have to click on our region of the map, and then that is going to take you to a list people.

Will see it.

Jerry. What is rev.

Rev is a new system where customers can get an app where they pay a little extra to go to the front of the checkout line here at Buywell.

Oh my god.

It's not enough that we are price gouging them every day, but now we're taking their dignity as well. One of the only ways I can stomach working at this place that is a corporate overlord is the fact that at least all of our customers are equal. You come in to buy a twelve pack of diet coke, you come in to buy tampons, you come in to buy a leaf blower. You're all the same as one another. And now you're creating a cast system.

Well, honey, if there's a cast system. I got an audition for that.

I know.

I love auditioning. Arnold, have you ever done a play?

Honey, do you know who you're asking?

Well, I mean, honey, you are talking to the music man seventy six trombones right here.

Oh my god, that your famous.

Well people, now that you know what reve is gonna be wearing the badges, that is happening.

Okay, So here are the badges.

I want them on the uniforms or there's gonna be repercussions.

Okay.

I've been trying to get on that company website for a decade and it is happening.

All right.

That is my final word and my final say. I'm putting my Revy badge on. Ask me about Revy bye way.

Oh my god. Beyonce needs to get it together, child, because like she's flip flopping, Like first she cuts Lizo out of the song in her concerts and then she turns around and shouts her out. It's like, who could keep up? Beyonce is a millionaire and she's just siding with another millionaire who is actively going against her workers.

I mean, yeah, I think harassment in the workplace is a despicable crime and there should be zero tolerance, but when the music is good, we gotta let something slide.

You know, Normally I would not be about it, but Beyonce does make it look pretty cute.

I mean, I saw where it said the dancers said Lizzo took them to a strip club and made him touch one of the dancers. That's a great boss. They took you to the strip club until you go grab a handful the smortgage board of booty.

Well, of course, you know Beyonce is gonna be on Lizzo's side. They're kind always sticking together.

What they're kind Arnold.

Honey, I don't mean black people. I mean popstars.

Pop stars are always famously sticking together.

All right, Arnold, I'm gonna let it slide this time, Honey.

I love you, and I love your people. I love every blessed black person I see in my life, and I see a lot of them down at Crystals and here at the store and when I go to church. I have a heart full of love, honey, And I would never say something like that to you or about you.

Now.

I think that some of the social justice warriors have gone too hard on the white people, that's for sure.

I feel bad.

I mean, I'm just not good at canceling people like Michael Jackson still comes up atop on my Spotify. It's bad, but you know what, I do draw the line at R Kelly except for ignition and I believe I can fly and bumping grind. I mean, I can't go back and edit my college mixes.

What do you want me to do? Throw the CDs away? I can't?

Bye bye.

Man.

Look at this? Did you see this? In California? They saying a flash mob ran into a high end store and ten to twenty people grabbed like one hundred thousand dollars worth of top end designer clothes. They're calling it a flash mob. That is a crime syndicate. That sounds like the foot clam.

Yeah, flash mob dances to a Bruno Mars song when someone gets engaged, right different do you think that?

Like one guy was like, oh flash mob what?

Oh dang?

I thought I thought we were just gonna be doing the Chatras slide. Like I thought we were just gonna TUTSI roll. There's probably at least one guy like that, right.

I saw the video and honestly, it looked just like Black Friday at this store.

They sprayed the security guard bear spray. How do you even make bear spray? That's white people's inventions. Why would you even need bear spray? Get from out there where the bears are at, and you wouldn't need the spray. Y'all want to gentrify the wood so bad. You got a degree in chemistry to figure out how can I make a bear have an asthma attack?

You're right, Robert, the bears were there first.

I am not gonna shed a tear for the bears. And I will say this for these young hooligans that are bursting into stores, they better I don't care if they try it here and by well, but they had better not try it by my deli counter because they will be in for a surprise any flash mobs come in here with that damn bear spray. I got a fifty gallon tube expired djon A's just for this purpose. Surprise, bitch, you're blind. The problem is these damn children don't have

Yeah, you don't have to worry about anybody coming in here running wild, trying to steal our products, because I've rigged the whole story with home alan traps. You come at me in hardware, I just pull on the third rake in a kid's bathtub full of paint cans falls on you from the top shelf.

You can only get away with stealing fancy designer clothes in a big city, because if you do that in a small town, everyone knows your salary in every piece of clothing you have. The cops are going to be like, oh is that birdberry? You better come with us.

By no, no, no, no, no, no, no stand back. Okay, then this is the break room and his employees only stand back.

I said, quick, someone get a chair. We gotta we gotta wedge a chair under the doorknob.

Here, come on, Ohney, Okay, I never want to hear that word revy again.

After what they've done to me. We're to bed.

It's talking about asked me about revy. Almost got me killed.

Yeah, I mean, all these people are realizing at once that you can't all be first in a capitalist system.

It's a zero sum game.

I think it actually turned ugly when the people without the app formed that barricade in front of the checkout line.

That's what happened is when you push people to the back, Yes, they rise up. Yes, okay, so you know I set all my booby traps right. The paint can swung down, hit that dude in the face. The iron fell on that one lady, and then the bowllet ball rolled off and crushed the one dude.

Robert. We are so happy that you're okay. I don't know if that old man is okay.

Well, he was coming at you. He was coming at you very aggressively, and I think you did the right I'll testify, Robert. I'll testify it with self defense.

You had to do it. No jury in the country would convict you.

All the same, Robert.

I'm gonna get you the name of my friend who's a lawyer, because I feel like you're gonna have some questions to answer.

I know I'm not supposed to smoke in here, but I am afraid to go outside with all those people swarming around like hornets.

I'm lighting up bright here. You would not believe what.

Just happened to me, y'all, are you okay? I was quartered by two men and they kept a man, and what is reavy?

What is bravy? I want my revy.

Put me at the front of the Revy line and we were right next to men's room, and they backed me into that men's room and I had to show.

Him what it was.

Okay, lord, honey, it was my idea, but I didn't know what I was getting into. They were playing me from two sides like a Tennessee tuba.

I just got a text here. It's from corporate you guys. Oh.

It says that Revey has officially been canceled. Apparently a manager at one of the other test stores was badly injured.

They had to airlift him out of the store.

There are riots nationwide at all the different tests by Wells.

That could have been you, That could have been your ass. Yeah, so gung ho about rev Yeah.

I mean, Jerry, I know that you were really looking forward to being on the website, but you know, maybe this is.

For the best. Yeah.

You know. The ironic thing is Marsha that they're going to put him on the front page of the website.

Wow, so now you know what you have to do, Jerry.

You're right, Liz, I'm going back out there. Everybody stand back, Okay, everybody here, I am. I'm here to answer your questions about Revy.

By Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Kloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Sujit Argowall and Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, Casting by Sherry Henderson.

Original music composed by Alloy Tracks.

Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Broneller. Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by James Odomian. Mia is played by Keisha Zoler, Shilah is played by Suba Argowall, and Darry is played by Jared Logan by Well